S2 Ep 7 Words That Calm or Trigger Navigating Aggression in Dementia Care

Welcome back. I am so pleased you decided to join me today for another episode of Caregiver Secrets, where we share practical advice, research, emotional support, and resources for caregivers of loved ones. For those of you who are new to the podcast, my name is Reggie, and I am glad you are here today. To my longtime listeners, I say thank you for listening and I am happy that we can spend this time together. As a fellow family caregiver for over 10 years, I am here to share experiences and insights that have kept me moving forward through the good times and the challenges.   Today we are continuing our 5 part series called Navigating Aggression as a Dementia Caregiver. If you didn’t listen to yesterday’s episode, please consider checking that one out after you listen to this one. I believe it will really help you. Before we go any further, please note that this is not medical, financial, or health advice. Please seek out a proper professional for any matter you are dealing with. My goal is to inform you as best I can, but you and you alone are totally responsible for doing your own research and taking the appropriate action. Let’s dive in. Imagine this: your loved one is having a moment of forgetfulness. They’re looking for their car keys, but you know they haven’t driven in years. Frustrated, you blurt out, “You already gave up driving, remember?” Suddenly, their expression shifts—anger flashes across their face, and they snap back at you. What just happened? Words like “remember” or “you already” can be landmines for someone with dementia. These phrases might seem harmless to you, but for them, they can feel accusatory or belittling. Memory loss isn’t something they can control, and being reminded of it can evoke fear, embarrassment, or even anger. So, how do we approach these moments with empathy and care? Let’s look at a few phrases to avoid and what to say instead. One of the biggest offenders is: “Don’t you remember?” This question, while innocent on the surface, is like shining a spotlight on their memory loss. A better approach might be to gently reframe the situation. For example, if they ask about a family gathering that already happened, instead of saying, “Don’t you remember? We went last week,” you could say, “That was such a nice day, wasn’t it? Everyone enjoyed seeing you.” Another phrase to avoid is: “You’re wrong.” Correcting someone with dementia, especially when they are already confused, can escalate tension. Imagine a man with dementia who insists his deceased brother is coming for lunch. Telling him, “That’s not possible—he passed away years ago,” can cause heartbreak and confusion to resurface as if it were new. Instead, try validation. You might say, “Tell me more about your brother. What was he like?” This keeps the peace while redirecting the conversation to something comforting. And then there’s the classic: “You just asked me that.” Repetition can be frustrating for a caregiver, but remember, it’s not intentional. Responding with warmth and patience, even if it’s the tenth time they’ve asked, helps avoid unnecessary conflict. You could say, “Let me tell you again—it’s at 3 o’clock.” Hypothetical stories can illustrate these points further. Imagine a caregiver named Laura helping her mom prepare lunch. Her mom insists that her long-dead mother will be joining them. Instead of saying, “Mom, Grandma’s been gone for 20 years,” Laura gently asks, “What do you think Grandma would want for lunch today?” This small shift diffuses potential aggression and keeps the interaction calm and connected. Why does this matter so much? According to the Alzheimer’s Association, many aggressive behaviors in dementia stem from emotional triggers like fear, frustration, or a perceived threat. The wrong words can amplify these feelings, while the right words can create a sense of safety and trust. This is where prevention comes in. Pay attention to your tone, timing, and even body language. A calm voice and open posture can soften your words, while impatience or frustration can make even the gentlest phrases feel harsh. In Get Risen, I shared this affirmation: “I am creating every day, and I am seeing what I say.” The words we speak shape the reality we create for our loved ones. When we choose words of kindness and validation, we’re not just avoiding aggression—we’re building a bridge of connection. If today’s episode resonates with you, I encourage you to practice rephrasing in your daily caregiving interactions. Pay attention to how your loved one reacts to different approaches, and don’t be afraid to try again if something doesn’t work. Caregiving is a journey of learning and adjusting. And as always, remember, you’re not alone in this. Join our Facebook community at bit dot lee forward slash Caregiver Secrets On Facebook dot com, to share your experiences, ask questions, and connect with others who understand what you’re going through. If this episode was helpful, please share it with another caregiver who might need to hear it. Together, we can navigate this journey with love, patience, and grace. Until next time, take care of yourself, dear caregiver. You are doing incredible work, and you are not alone.