0:19
so that Torque Tiger wouldn't run Gary and I over with his monster truck.
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0:23
Anyways, I was able to nap myself a good amount of new ones just last week.
0:28
Some bus full of tourists came through town and I laid out some tire spikes, bus tipped over.
0:34
And I went in there cracking them over the heads with a hammer.
0:38
Both survived, some didn't.
0:40
Got them down my cellar, set them up in their cages.
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0:43
Now I don't like to feed my interns too much.
0:46
Got to make sure they're alive enough to work but too weak to escape, you know.
0:50
So I usually just feed them sugar cubes and not much else.
0:54
Thing is, turned out that Torque bus was for some sort of a group of diabetics.
0:60
And since they all have that their diabetes, well, the sugar cubes didn't exactly
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0:67
And now most of them are starting to lose their toes and feet to the beatis.
0:71
Hence why I'm sharpening this hair hatchet.
0:73
Got to go about hacking off those gangreness feet.
0:76
On the bright side, they're going to have one heck of a time trying to run away now.
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0:81
Happy little accident, I guess.
0:83
Sometimes life just gives you a little bit of what you need.
0:87
I'm Squatronson and you're listening to the backwards radio show.
1:09
Asc, STD is ravaging the sexually active residents of dogs now, county.
1:44
What started out as a simple outbreak of crabs, has quickly transformed carriers into
Continued...
1:49
actual giant mutant crab monsters.
1:53
Farver Dr. Whalen Walker has been analyzing samples and his thus far been unable to pinpoint
1:58
the cause of the outbreak.
1:60
He's hoping that his research might lead him back to patient zero, which may allow him
1:65
to find a cure for the ailment.
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1:67
In other formication related news, the succubus has returned to dogs now, county.
1:73
And sexual deviance couldn't be happier.
1:76
Now, let me back up.
1:77
The succubus is not just one succubus, it's a bus full of succubus's, a succubi.
1:84
I don't know the proper term.
Continued...
1:85
Once a year, the succubus rises up from the depths of hell, ignite in the town with
1:91
eerie green headlights, spit and fire from its muffler as it travels around dogs now, county.
1:97
To fulfill the most depraved fantasies of the deviance here in town.
2:02
If you're in detentical porn and want to experience the sensation of being penetrated by
2:08
a giant slimy appendage to the point of it ripping out the top of your skull, the succubus
Continued...
2:15
Or maybe you found yourself watching that there, Morgan Freeman flick.
2:19
Seven, and you got to the lust scene where the one guy sort ofizes the other guy with a
2:24
strap on made out of knives and thought to yourself, well, that looks like fun.
2:29
Then the succubus will be right up your alley, a rather razor sharp knife attached to a
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2:35
strap on will be right up your alley.
2:37
Or say you're a twink looking to get plowed by a big old bear, but the leather
2:46
thus has demonic grislies that are sure to give you the Timothy Treadwell treatment with
2:53
Upon entering the succubus, your deepest darkest desires will manifest before your eyes and
Continued...
2:60
proceed to part in my French, fuck the life out of you literally.
2:65
I should probably have mentioned that tidbit at the start.
2:68
Once you step onto the succubus, you never come back.
2:72
The fair to ride may not cost you a dime, but it'll surely cost you your life.
Continued...
2:79
The succubus is not for the faint of heart.
2:82
It's specifically designed for those with the most sadistic of sexual desires.
2:87
In French, the word for orgasm is late petite more, which translates to the little death.
2:94
Now you just think about that.
2:96
If an orgasm in the sack is a little death that feels so good, imagine what the big death
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3:03
Residents have been lining up outside the succubus and droves, clad and leather and chains,
3:09
seeking to end their lives on the highest of notes.
3:12
I was lucky to interview one such fellow who was on the brink of both death and climax.
3:18
As he sat on a massive chainsaw that just so happened to be the genitalia of a giant
Continued...
3:25
I asked him how his experience was, and as he slowly slid down the length of that chainsaw,
3:31
he looked at me with a twinkle in his eyes and said with a smile,
3:35
Jesus' way before he was promptly split in half.
3:41
And now, here's everyone's favorite half-man, half-alligator weather mutant,
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3:47
Gator Gary, with the forecat.
3:53
I'm from today's 54, with the long-for-canite of 46.
3:58
Springtime is upon us in the flowers of dogs now calling you starting to blossom,
3:64
but don't be set to aspire to beauty as radiation levels and dogs now soil or extremely high.
3:72
When as a result, the flower has become sentient.
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3:77
It's a common mistake people make in these birds.
3:81
When spotting a beautiful flower and a lion, folks will lean in to take a sniff.
3:86
Home leader help their nose chewed off by the little peudies.
3:91
While others might snatch some up to make a bouquet for their significant other,
3:96
Home leader come home to find their significant other laying beside a broken vase
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4:01
with their body ripped to shreds.
4:04
If I could chime in, Gary, when I was a kid my family used to make dandelion wine,
4:10
and with all this home room nonsense being all the rage right now,
4:14
I would highly advise against making any dandelion wine with the dandelions from dog-snout county.
4:20
I tried a couple years ago and while it did make for a fine wine,
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4:24
it turned anybody who drank it into a beast straight out of little shop of horrors.
4:29
The same goes for vegetables too.
4:31
I had a little veggie garden going, not for me, for the interns.
4:36
Strictly human flesh for me, for the record.
4:39
Anyways, the tomatoes look normal, but once pulled them off their plan,
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4:45
they would start beeping and promptly explode.
4:47
I'd pull in the pin out of a grenade.
4:50
There are two words, watch.
4:52
So friends, remember, while springtime is a beautiful time of view,
4:58
it's especially hazardous here in dogs now county.
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4:62
So just enjoy the sunshine and warm weather, and be sure to enjoy the flowers from a distance.
4:73
We're going to take a quick break here, folks.
4:75
I picked some strawberries from my garden and, well, I'm not quite sure what will happen
4:80
if I were to eat one of them, because as we just said,
4:84
stuff grown in dog-snout soil tends to have odd mutations that would put
Continued...
4:88
on Santos' best GMOs to shame.
4:92
So, I figured I'll test them out on my interns and see what happens.
4:97
They're going to be so excited to be kitten real food.
5:00
Boy, are they in for a surprise?
5:03
I can't wait to see how this turns out.
Continued...
5:05
We'll be back in a jiffy, but in the meantime, here's a little tomb for you that felt
5:10
especially fitting for today's episode.
5:13
This is with The Evil Dead by Haunted Garage.
6:78
Welcome back, listeners.
6:80
I'm sure you're wondering how things went with the interns in the strawberries.
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6:84
Well, I'm sorry to say it was pretty anti-climac.
6:88
I brought in a bowl full of strawberries, and as you can imagine,
6:92
they were pretty rowdy to be received an actual food rather than just sugar cubes.
6:96
So I gave them each a handful and sat back to watch as they pop them into their mouths one by one.
7:03
And I gotta say, I was really expecting something crazy to happen,
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7:07
but it was pretty underwhelming.
7:09
Upon eating the strawberries, their heads began to vibrate and their eyes liquified
7:13
with their faces following soup, meltin' up their skulls like that seam from raiders of the
7:19
Pretty standard stuff, nothing I've been seen before.
Continued...
7:22
Maybe I'll try feeding them one of my tomatoes next time.
7:26
Anyways, we're about halfway through the show, and now's about the time when I like to
7:30
take a call from one of our final listeners from Dogs Now County.
7:34
Let's see what we got on the horn today.
7:37
Here on the backwards radio show, and who do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?
Continued...
7:52
Well, I'll be tilde, tilde winters is that you, but what a pleasant surprise.
7:61
Tilda used to be one of my babysitters.
7:64
We used to have a blast together.
7:66
She used to take me down to the crinketries river where we'd sneak up on fishermen and cut their
Continued...
7:71
Remember how we would hire this derro organ and sell them on the black market together?
7:79
Every Sunday was the highlight of my week.
7:82
Do you remember how you taught me on a carved their kidneys out of their backs without damaging
7:91
You see, if you go in the street, you might puncture a kidney or something.
Continued...
8:03
Well, would you be right?
8:06
She would listen, be more worthless than a bare laugh sack for the 7th and 7th and 7th and 7th.
8:14
That's sad full of severed, pinky toes, that's right.
8:17
I always loved when you used to say that.
8:20
So, wouldn't you been up to Mr. Tilda, what's new?
Continued...
8:24
Mr. Tilda, I'm still here, Mr. Tilda.
8:32
Thank you, Mr. Tilda.
8:34
I asked you what you've been up to as of late.
8:42
Watching the world go by, I need that what they used to be.
8:47
I'll see egg me so, I'm not the woman I once loved, I'll bury, and I'll talk to
Continued...
8:57
me back from doing the things I love.
8:60
Like what, Mr. Tilda?
8:63
Bashing people with a head with a syndrome lock, carving out their eye,
8:72
making a head of their snagging, actually a beam-buseted mess, some jellovers with this,
8:83
and well, I can be nice.
Continued...
8:87
They keep you company, huh?
8:89
No, no, no, not that, you see, I'm mostly housebound.
8:96
Even when someone comes to nagging at my door,
9:00
takes it a lot, he had some mud at them.
9:05
I invite my house, some tea, which of course, that is fun,
Continued...
9:16
is getting down, and the mug, and it's a life of them,
9:24
but it can be a music to watch them scream in agony,
9:34
up up, and just them up in my old gowns, and they have-
9:48
Well, that sounds lovely, Mr. Tilda, just lovely.
9:58
So, so, what are you doing right now, Mr. Tilda?
Continued...
9:64
I'm just telling you this.
9:71
And how's horse doing these days?
Continued...
9:82
I didn't have the strength to bury him,
9:85
love having him around some capacity.
9:90
Even if at this point, he's just a skeleton
9:93
with a few bits of blessing,
9:97
Mr. Mitten is a most of them to be honest.
Continued...
10:01
See, well, I'm sorry to hear that, but uh,
10:04
who's Mr. Mitten's now?
10:06
Well, I'm Mr. Mitten's is my kitty cat.
10:10
Well, Mr. Mitten's, that wasn't calling for you.
10:13
I'm talking to Squats, Ronson.
Continued...
10:25
Going on there, Mr. Tilda, you all right?
10:28
Oh, the men in the started eating my face.
10:33
Not that, Mr. Mitten's not.
Continued...
10:36
I'm Mr. Mitten's still the shit I sent you,
10:39
if I were over there to get Mr. Mitten's off of you.
10:43
Mr. Tilda, I'm sorry to hear that you can hear me.
10:60
I'm sending you the blame over.
Continued...
10:62
Right now, I didn't dare cut the music.
10:71
I'm sorry, Mr. Tilda, but I got to get back to the radio show,
10:75
but it's been nice talking to you.
Continued...
10:78
And I hope you'll call again soon.
10:83
Well, what a treat that was.
10:85
It's always nice to connect with old friends.
10:88
Maybe I should pay Mr. Tilda a little visit.
10:90
Bring her some candy kidneys for old times sake or something.
Continued...
10:94
She always like those.
10:95
I just hope she still has a face when I get around to see you.
10:99
We're going to take a little break here, friends,
11:00
but don't you go nowhere, when we return,
11:03
we'll be giving you the traffic report.
Continued...
11:05
In the meantime, here's a word from our spawn.
11:09
Living with pubic life can be a hassle.
11:11
Every time I had an outbreak of crabs,
11:14
it felt like it took days out of my life.
11:16
But then, I talked to my doctor about Stalk Plexo.
Continued...
11:20
Just one pill a day helped reduce the number of my outbreaks.
11:24
Now, I've been crab free for almost three weeks,
11:27
and I feel like I've not been...
11:30
Sorry to interrupt folks.
11:32
Quot here, we just received a word
Continued...
11:34
that there has been a recall on Stalk Plexo.
11:37
As it would seem, the medicine that was meant to reduce pubic crabs
11:40
is actually the culprit that has been transforming folks
11:43
into mutated crab people.
11:46
So, Stalk Plexo has rebranded their product
Continued...
11:48
and has asked us to air their new commercial
11:51
instead of the original apologies for the interruption.
11:57
Now it's time to be crabs with doctor-class stations,
Continued...
11:62
Scratching your nettle regions wrong
11:64
because of a crabs that are prone
11:65
into your pubic mound as a result of having
11:68
unprotected sex with barnyard animals can be
Continued...
11:72
But it doesn't have to be,
11:74
nope, no it doesn't.
11:76
As they say, if you can't beat them, join them.
11:80
And by then, I'm talking about the crabs.
11:83
There are dozens of good reasons to become a mutated crab person,
Continued...
11:87
but being a human being, what a hassle.
11:90
Walking on on and even sand on outdated human feet can be dangerous.
11:95
But after one step of doctor-class stations
11:97
last mutation, you'll be steadily down the beach with ease.
12:01
Don't care for the beach?
Continued...
12:03
Well, there's plenty of other real-world applications
12:05
that come with being a crab boy or crab lady.
12:10
Tired of having to get up from your desk and walk all the way
12:13
over to the bathroom every time you have to poop.
Continued...
12:16
That's like you can use a poop thing
12:18
conveniently located in your back.
12:20
It's perfect for storing your experiment.
12:24
After I'm all cutting pork chops with our cane
12:26
cut Marie like forks and knives,
Continued...
12:28
when I grow a razor sharp pincer.
12:31
Worried about being stabbed in death while scrolling through a dark alley,
12:35
thousands of you need a rock hard exoskeleton, my friend.
12:39
Being human is a bore, a thing in the past.
12:43
Why not try being a giant crab for a change?
Continued...
12:47
Dr. Christation's matricutation is irreversible.
12:50
Pleased to down and talk with your loved ones,
12:52
before taking the next big step towards
12:54
permanently becoming a crab person.
12:56
Dr. Christation's matricutation is strictly for people
Continued...
12:59
who want to become giant crabs, not lobsters or crayfish.
12:62
In rare cases, some people have been known to transform into
12:65
tiny, normal-sized shrimp and were mistakenly served as food at cocktail parties.
12:69
If you wish to become a different type of prawn,
12:71
please consult your doctor for other options.
Continued...
12:74
Side effects include itching,
12:75
loss of speech, numbness, and tingling in your human appendages
12:78
they rot off, excruciating, and unrelenting pain.
12:81
Barricle growth, and spontaneous combustion.
12:84
If you feel as if you're about to explode,
Continued...
12:86
please contact your doctor immediately.
12:88
Or better yet, the fire department.
12:89
Don't miss out on the hot new trend that sweeping dogs now
12:92
county. Join hundreds of other young crab people as they
12:95
evolve from mundane homosepience into giant,
Continued...
12:98
beautiful humanoid crustaceans.
13:00
Contact your primary care provider to start your
13:02
anthropotic journey today.
13:04
Dr. Christation's not responsible if you event that you accidentally
13:06
may end or do you have to hit your loved ones for gunpinsers?
Continued...
13:08
Welcome back, folks.
13:10
It's just about quit and time, but before I sign off for the day,
13:13
here's a quick traffic update.
13:19
The only road in our one-rowed town is currently experiencing high travel
13:24
times as the sucky bus has finished making its rounds through dog
Continued...
13:27
snout county. The sucky bus is currently parked on
13:31
Main Street and the demons they're in have begun discarding the bodies of its patrons.
13:36
Main Street is currently riddled with piles of corpses with
13:39
ton of swords sticking out of their butts, barbed wire,
13:43
wrapped around their weeners, and circular saws wedged into their
Continued...
13:46
snatches. While the traffic is definitely an inconvenience, judging by the
13:51
state of the bodies tossed out by the sucky bus, we can take comfort
13:55
and knowing that the sucky bus's customers definitely got their
13:59
money's worth. Figured, if we speak in, of course,
13:62
because as I said, the sucky bus don't cost the dime, and it'll just
Continued...
13:65
cost you your life. To make the matters on Main Street worse,
13:68
it appears that the demons from the sucky bus have suddenly gone
13:72
rogue, and have taken to ripping off the doors of commuters
13:75
and Sodomizing them with chain saws, and baseball bats with nails hammered into them.
13:80
While many dogs not residents have died as a result,
Continued...
13:84
at least we know that they died doing what they love,
13:88
engaging, and depraved sexual DV&C. Well friends,
13:95
that you're just about to do it for today's show. I've been squashed ronson,
14:00
and you've been one heck of an audience. But before I go,
14:03
here's a little nugget of wisdom. Don't chain people for what they're into.
Continued...
14:08
We all have our kinks, and there's nothing wrong with getting your rocks off,
14:13
while being penetrated by a giant goat demon with a chainsaw for a penis.
14:34
The backwards radio show is produced by me, Michael Aruso,
14:39
and shout out to our guest stars this week. Adrian's unbrownl played Miss Tilda,
14:43
and has his own Spanish speaking comedy horror podcast called Viad de Cielo Gris,
Continued...
14:49
and Andrew Parker is the crab person. He also has a hilarious podcast called Crypto,
14:55
which stars some of your favorite faces from the last podcast not work. If you enjoy the
14:60
backwards radio show, please share with your friends and family who also have a fucked-up
14:65
sense of humor. I'd really appreciate it. As always, thanks for listening.
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