The Closure Trap

The topic of closure seems to be one of THE most discussed needs and desires when I’m coaching my clients through endings. I, myself, have struggled with wanting meaning and understanding, a perfectly tied bow to go with the unknown, the ambiguity, the loss, the abrupt ending to something. We seem to want to know why something happened the way it did. And this desire is triggered from experiences like: the unexpected death of a loved one, a layoff that you didn’t see coming, an unexpected diagnoses, your partner coming to you after 25 years of marriage to tell you they want a divorce. It can show up as estranged siblings or family members at odds with no apparent path forward for healing and reconciliation. We grasp for it when our partner abruptly blindsides us with a breakup or betrayal. We have questions, naturally. Our brains want to process the threat. The root of all of this is our ability to self soothe and nurture that place within us that is afraid and seeking to be in control.I’ve also struggled with why we are so wired to need to really “GET” that something is over, closed, done, gone, kaput, no longer open for business. From an evolutionary standpoint, I think it is tied to our survival. If you are anxiously attached, you may find you seek it because it gives you a sense of nervous system regulation, the validation that you are not flawed or unworthy of love and connection. It can give us the illusion or the idea that we are in control and that we will be okay. It fundamentally messes with our attachment bonds to others for our very survival and stability. It is no secret that human beings are community oriented. We need touch, connection, and our tribe to feel alive, to survive. It seems the common thread in all of these instances is thinking we are “not in control” and until we feel “in control,” we will ache, long, chase, pursue, tiptoe, to finally get the peace we think we need to be happy. It’s our nervous system begging us to “See me! See me! Breathe into me! I’m here! Turn inward! Pull your power back into yourself!” It’s when we misplace our need for closure and certainty in something outside of us that creates a challenge. Because if we rely on the ever changing external world or people to give us the very thing we already have, we most definitely will always be disappointed. It is a lie to believe that you are not in control of your own perception, thoughts, and behaviors. It is a lie to think that you do not possess agency to stop giving power to someone else to dictate your worthiness. Your closure cannot be found in the external or in another. It can temporarily relieve your sense of feeling unlovable, unworthy or even out of control, not good enough, but what if the closure you ultimately want is found within YOURSELF?In this episode, I’m diving deep into the myths of closure—why we chase it, the pain of holding onto potential, and how waiting for someone else to give us peace keeps us stuck.✨ If you’ve ever waited for a text, replayed the breakup, or believed they just needed to change to make it work—this one’s for you.This is about giving yourself the closure you’ve been waiting for.Because it was never about them.Insightful. Healing. A little spicy. I hope you enjoy it! Please leave me a comment or a “like” so I know how this episode landed with you.✨ You’re amazing. Remember that. Get full access to Savanna's Substack at savannanoelle.substack.com/subscribe