This is Healing — Untethered and Still Falling

This is not a self-help podcast. It is a documentary of grief — field notes from inside the aftermath. Ninety-nine days after my husband Patrick was murdered in our home, and nearly two weeks after a psilocybin journey, I speak about what it feels like to survive and still try to make language for it.I talk about sleep returning for the first time in ninety-nine nights, and why grief hijacks rest. About the guilt of getting further away from the last time I saw him, and the rebellion against “getting better.” About doomscrolling as a way of reaching for a ghost, and the shift into new rituals — Cleopatra baths with goat’s milk and oats, fiction returning in the tub, imagination opening again after trauma shut it down.I talk about Patrick as a warrior, and the eagle that keeps appearing — in paintings, in dreams, in the sky — carrying him, guiding me. I talk about the hawk’s first shaky flight, the snake shedding skin, my sister Rae in stillness, and what it costs to molt.This episode is not clean or linear. It moves between the body and the spirit, sleep and wake, grief and fight. It is about love as a vow even after death, and about what it means to free-fall without a net, trusting the wind to bring me home.