Unwrapping Grief

Hello, and welcome to the Gifted Life Podcast, where we have conversations about organ tissue and ideonation and transplantation. You can always find us at thegiftedlife.org. I'm Laurie Steele. I'm Nyla Schwab, and I'm Joy Poutreras.

I was so hoping you'd do that. We miss you, Joe. We do, Joey. We look forward to having you back.

Yeah, Joey's not doing important things. We'll pick his brain when he returns. In the meantime, coming up on this episode, can I live with Joy ever again? A donor's wife joins us to explore this topic with us here on the Gifted Life.

And Laurie, I'm going to be talking about what is self-compassion, and it's something that I think most people are very compassionate to other people. But sometimes we forget to do it to ourselves. Good thinking. All right, all that and we're right here, guys.

Hang on. Here on the Gifted Life Podcast, excited to introduce you to one of our newest friends, Miss Patricia Cameron. Hey, ma'am. Thanks for coming here on the Gifted Life to show your story to help us learn.

I was on Amazon, and yeah, a little something on there, don't you? Yes, I do. All right, tell us about it. Well, I have a book called Grief Unwrapped Discovering Joy in a Season of Sorrow.

I released it late last year, and I've also put together a study guide that goes along with it. I did not know about that. I did find it on Audible. So, yeah, study guide.

I think chapter, there's a list of questions just for further thought and reflection. And so I have that in the book already. But the study guide is kind of summarized the chapter and does a little bit deeper in questions that people can think through and answer and have some time with those questions to help them along with the pre-process. So more questions than just the book, is that right?

Yes. Individual reflection, it could be used in a study group or a book study group, something like that as well. So let's tell everyone what we're talking about. Grief Unwrapped.

You can find it on Amazon. We'll also tell you about Patricia's site where you can go and learn more. This was a great tease. I thought, can I live with joy ever again?

I think that's something that resonates with a lot of our families that we deal with in the OPO or Organ Procurement Organization world. So Patricia lost her husband suddenly at 45, and it says that was her burning question. So that traumatic life experience, can you take us there and then tell us how this book to help others grew from that pain? You know, I had experienced loss before, but nothing prepared me for the age in my heart as I said goodbye to my lifelong friend and husband.

But during that time, after he passed away, God put people in my life, scriptures in my path and play songs in my heart that spoke to me, encouraged me, and lived to me from a deep darkness that was my life for a time. It was a very lonely time. And some days, as most people know, it still is. But there was a point in time that God moved me forward in my journey.

And that was a turning point, so to speak. So I walked and then listened to it. So it was really beautiful to be outside and just hearing your voice, which is now in my head. So I knew you immediately when I heard you say hello.

But you know, you were so honest about your experiences. And I think that's so encouraging for anyone who is going through a loss because we don't know how to do it. It's so unique. And that's really what prompted, you know, I would have heard things in my journal and help again through my grief.

But there just was a steed that was planted at some point. I actually attended a women's retreat with a local church, not my church, but some friends of mine had remembers there. So we don't have to retreat. And what I learned there was that everyone has something or has had something devastating going on in the lives and no one's exempt.

But that seed began to grow and eventually God led me to use my story. My lessons learned so to speak to help us. I really want to help others who are walking the same road as I have walked. And I finally felt a sense of purpose in doing that.

And in fact, someone told me recently that she was glad God had given me a purpose for my kind and I believe that is what he did. And you share that so beautifully. But it's almost like you have to back that up because Patricia, you didn't have just one loss. You've had an experience with losses.

Is that right? Yes, that's right. My nephew was murdered when he was six years old. I had a daughter who died at birth when he was an Ashen.

And she had this age, our diagnosis of Potter syndrome, which meant that her organs did not develop and she could live as long as she was inside of me and living off of my organs, but she could not live once she was born. And so that happened about six years into our marriage. Later, my best friend died of breast cancer. And then I had to, of course, his collapse in death in 2015.

Yeah, I experienced loss before. But this experience with three young boys in her home was a lot more than I ever thought I would be able to. And no matter what I remember thinking before Matthew passed away that if something ever happened to me, he'd be fine. But if something ever happened to me, I just would be able to handle it.

And truly without the grace of God and friends he couldn't in my life, I don't know how to survive it. Well, I love this part. You can move from survival mode to thrivel mode and just reading a little bit more in there because it really got my attention. It says this book, grief unwrapped, discovering joy in a season of sorrow.

We'll show you how to laugh again, celebrate again, find a courage to step once again into true joy. I mean, you've walked the walk and now you're helping others. So what have you heard from people who have read this book, maybe done the study guide? What are you most proud of?

Well, I don't have to think about that one for a moment. I do want to share what the driving force behind me wanting to have joy in my life again. I did not want to live a life where I was just surviving. I came to a point in my life where that was, I didn't want to be doing anymore.

But I can't tell you that without telling a little bit about my husband. He was a man who worked hard. He played hard. He laughed often.

He was farming his beliefs. He was fiercely protective of his family and he was constantly in motion. He lived life to the fullest and he lived life with no regrets. Matter of fact, the scripture that the book is based on is John Tiantan, which says that Jesus came that we may have life and have it to the full.

That's not an ordinary life, but a life full, a life where there are no regrets. And so that's how he lives. And I want to really live that way and feel this point in my life. I've worried too much and dependent on other people more than I probably should have.

But he lived that way and I knew he would want me to live that way too. So that's kind of the thing that really, I guess, inspired me or helped me to move forward is to not get down, to involve down in the worries and struggles and the grief because there is, of course, bitter grief and heartache after the loss of the loved one. But also there are people, there are loved ones I have here today in my life that I need to invest time in. So I live too, a life full of life because I want my children to also see that and to live that way.

As far as what people are saying, what's interesting, I wrote the book to other widows, but I have had many people read the book who just have enjoyed it from just life, encouraging things from life in general. There's all kinds of grief. There's grief of a job, there's divorce, there's grief over the loss of a dream. And so there are other things that I believe and I hope and pray that the book will encourage people in those ways as well.

So I had a lot of comments, not from someone who lost a loved one necessarily, but just to found nuggets of encouragement in it for other reasons. And I've also had a lot of very positive comments from men, which I did not expect, expected women to be more drawn to it. So I thought that's been very interesting. And so I just hope that, again, it will be used to help others.

One of the things, as I was writing the book, sorry, maybe I'm a little bit honest. I heard as I was writing the book, actually I was on a plane and I made a lady who was a recent widow and she told me she had joined this widow's Facebook group. And I never did that. I just, I'm not as kind of trying to survive for a long time.

But she had joined this group and she said, there were ladies in that group who had been widows for five years or more and they still couldn't get out of bed. If they would go to work, come back home and go straight to bed. And I thought, you know, that is no way to live. And they're still, they're still lost in their sorrow.

And I believe that God has more for us than that. And that's what the book is about is how we can experience that. You know, when I was, well, I did laugh when you were explaining your husband and I laughed because you said something that he was always moving. And I remember you said in the book that even if he took a phone call, he would pace while he talked on the phone and that just I had such a great, well, I had such a great image of him in my head.

So thank you for introducing us to him through your book, a question I had, and maybe I just haven't gotten to it. But did you always have that faith throughout your life? Or is this something you developed through your grief process? Well, I have always, I said always, but for most of my life, I have had a strong faith.

I would say I learned early on that overcoming obstacles was just something you did. And I do talk about this in the book as well. As a young girl, watch my dad, learn to thrive again, effort to build a tank accident that left him with two prosthetic legs. So he was a picture of overcoming me and he has seldom let anything stop him from doing what he wanted to do.

Right. One time I convinced him to walk because he steps up to say capital on crutches, just because I wanted to show you something. And one day, for some reason, and not a very smart one, I talked to me to getting on to a movie walkway at the Memphis Airport. I'm not quite sure what I was thinking, but just getting on work pretty good.

Close to me, guys, you have a lot of time. I'm not going to get off, you know, but so I've learned a lot during those growing up years and I've been to church all my life. And so, and accepted Christ as my savior as a teenage girl. And so I have had a strong background of faith from my particularly my mother.

So, and then early on in my life, I had a divorce that I had not planned or wanted. And then I, as you know, I mentioned the other other deaths that I have experienced in my life for people who are close to me. So I guess each time, you know, you have to, I've always drawn closer to the Lord as opposed to letting bitterness take over. And that's not easy because sometimes it's just that the bitterness is easier around, but I have found that God has always been by my side.

He's always helped me from every difficulty I've had in my life. And I'm grateful for that. Like you said, I hope that people, you know, take things away from this book that can help. And that you had written with intention of, I guess, working through your grief as a widow.

But I took so many notes just on the first few chapters. I just saw it reinvent versus healing. I thought that that's what you're doing. I mean, you had to take your losses or it sounds like you're taking your losses and figuring out how do you move forward and you never can move forward the same because you become a different person after a loss.

We never stopped missing them, but we can learn to move forward with hope, healing and peace. And I think a lot of that comes through our memories early on with my boys. And I don't get it wrong. I made a lot of mistakes on boys.

I was so, I was so, I did not know what to do. But I had a 13 year old who was closest to his ad, of course, and then I had a 10 year old and eight year old and it was just hard. But one of the things I did early on was we always talked about Matthew. We shared stories.

We never kept him out of conversation. He was always part. I mean, we would talk about familiar places as we would go somewhere to a familiar place. We talk about him or we heard something.

It was a little phrase. We talk about it. Just sometimes the smell of his cologne taking a moment to remember to reflect and heal. I would tell them stories about him, of course, they may or may not remember.

And they would tell me stories of things he did too. And I don't believe he would. I think they were making it up. They say, I'm going to bring a sip of beer.

I'm like, he did not. But they told me he did. So I have no way to confirm it or deny it. I love that story.

I was, as you and I were speaking, that was was on my heart where the boys, I lost my mom when I was 17. So very impactful, but I'm reading and it says that you embrace a venture and forced her sons on many adventures. So talk about that. Yes.

Well, I love traveling. I love going. My mother told me she should have named my middle name, go because that's all we want to do. And so I would drag them along.

There are sometimes we want to stay home, but we've we've done hiking trips and skiing trips. And voting trips and, you know, just where I could come up with. And now they're older. And it's sad because they don't have them all to go with anymore.

But we, you know, one of the one of the things I really want to do was that first Christmas and this is in the book too, but that first Christmas that I could be passed way past way in September. And we took a more ski trip. They had never learned a ski yet. And so I decided we were going to go adventure, which we went to my sister's house in Oklahoma Forest after Christmas just to visit with the family.

And while we were there, we got a notification that the weather was going to start to turn bad. We were driving to North Carolina, New Mexico. And so it was starting to sleep in Oklahoma. But I said, you know what, we're going to go.

And so we ended up outside of Amarillo and wide out conditions. And I could not see where I was going. It was it was crazy. But we made it and the boys, you know, we had a good time.

We had a good memory. Yeah, I was going to say memory. Yeah. Kind of we have a memory.

We have lots of those and I'm grateful for that because, you know, things will pass away. But those memories we can hang on those to those forever. And that's what I tried to do with my husband because he was just such a fun person to be around and such a loving person. And I want them to remember him that way too.

You know, Patricia, like, I know a little bit more about your story that has in to donation in Louisiana just because you and I have spoken. I know that we connected you to coming on this podcast because your book is beautiful. And Leah introduced you to me. But would you share any part of that story now with us?

Of course. Yes. I I remember the day Matthew told me he was going to sign up to be Oregon donor. And I remember him talking about, you know, I was a little nervous about it because he was like, I might take his audience too quickly.

And I was not I'm sure y'all heard that before. Yes, that we fight. Yes. I'm sure you do.

And of course that was not our experience and with love at all. Everybody was so kind and just loving and amazing toward us. You know, I may have mentioned that Matthew was he loved to give gifts and he was such a creative person and he always would come up with the best gifts. And I like to think his last act was an active generosity.

He his staff, which of course is our loss brought life and hope. And you know, I can find joy in that that warms my heart. Other people were held because of his back to generosity. That is beautiful.

And you know, I'm glad that you brought up that about, you know, his concerns to be a donor. Like I know him better now. So thanks for sharing that. Like, seems like a pretty cool, cool dude.

Yeah. And all three of my boys just got their license. My last one is 16 now, like all, you know, because we're donors as well and proud to do it and what to honor him in that way as well as do what's, you know, what's right. You know, your book has so much to offer to so many people on so many different levels.

And I am listening to it every time I get in the car or I go for a walk and I'll be recommending it, especially to widows who are going through this journey and not sure, you know, how to do this because you do have beautiful words of wisdom and then bringing your faith into it in your own journey. So I just appreciate you coming on and talking to us because I remember when we spoke, you said, Oh, I get kind of nervous talking, I think on a podcast and sound nervous to me, Patricia me either. It was just a conversation, right? Yeah.

And you know, if you could give us three things to take away for your book, what would they be? Three things to take away I would say would be you can live a life, a full life in Jesus Christ. You can experience joy even through trials and malls because of faith and you can live in joy in spite of awful circumstances. Beautiful.

Patricia Cameron writes Patricia Cameron, W.R.I.T.S. Learn about her get to know her. You can get the book there or on Amazon. It is called grief on rat discovering joy in a season of sorrow.

Patricia, thanks so much for coming on the gifted life. Thank you for having me here on the gifted life podcast. We're taking a moment for mental health. What is self compassion?

Tell us it is something that that we are hearing more about and it just it's there's research behind it and we're finding that self compassion does some really wonderful things for us. Self compassion is just turning inward and being kind to ourself. So I would say, hey, Lori, what would you say to a friend that made early? I don't know that left their child at the dentist office.

What would you tell them? Go get the kid. Yeah. Number one, we all make mistakes.

Yeah, it happens. Learn from it. There you go. Okay.

So if I'm the person who left a child at the dentist office and maybe I did. Maybe I did not say, but I would be very critical to myself and say, well, are you thinking I'm an awful mom? What mom does that? Probably no other moms do that.

But then there is a story behind that if I did it. But here's the thing, we need self compassion because we all are human and we all make mistakes. We all have weaknesses. We all have strengths, but sometimes we just need encouragement and we're the one who can do it because we're the only one that knows our thoughts.

So self compassion increases self kindness. It connects us to humanity and it creates mindfulness. So it just really brings us back to let's slow down, let's be gentle with ourself. Let's incur it.

Let's be our best friend. And then it all cut ourselves and slack. That's what it sounds like. Yeah.

Yeah. And also they found that it decreases self judgment and it also decreases isolation because we're seeing more and more of that. So if we just sit in our own head all the time and we're not being kind to ourselves, that's a lot of space to just spend with yourself. And if you're there, do not, you're probably not being kind to others.

If you're like so into this could be, you're right. But a lot of times people are really kind to other people, but they're not kind to themselves. And then as I talk to people, it's interesting what they'll say, like, and ask them, how can I ask your children? Like, do you say nice things to yourself?

And some of your kids might be like, yeah, but the other ones might be like, no, not always, not always. And then it's easy to do. Like you can do it in private. You can you can step out of a room, you can go into the bathroom.

You can just it's self talk, but it's turning it inward. And we need that because if, like you said, I don't know if we're not being kind to ourselves, then maybe we're going to take that from someone else. So let's fill ourselves up with some love and self care. And it's always there.

Like we're always with ourselves. So why not be kind to ourselves? Still early in the new year. Learn and move forward positively.

I like that. Well, right. You have a topic you'd like us to cover here on the gifted life, email us info at thegiftedlife.org. Our question and answer segment, can I register in the National Registry?

If I'm already registered in Louisiana or another state. So great question. We're glad you're thinking about it. Oh, yeah.

Lori, jump in because I don't leave anything out. But yes, yes, register both. I mean, it's not going to hurt anything. If you're in Louisiana, you can go to donate life LA.org or you can go to the national registry, register me.org.

And I'll tell you, if someone were to die in the state of Louisiana, our OPO, our Organ Procurement Agency, we would check the registry because it just helps us start that conversation with the family. We only get to have access to see if they are registered or not. If they are from another state, we'll call that state OPO, Organ Procurement Agency, to see if they have any information about the family that we could share. So we work together, but you can always go to that national registry because it crosses state lines and it's just in lots and lots of great information about donation.

You want to add anything to that? Yeah, just to clarify. So two separate registries. Yeah.

And the state registry can be found by contacting your donate life state team. So you can check that out. Right. And I'll say we told you Louisiana how to do that.

And both your state going to registry in the national donate life registry or check by donation professionals at the time of your death. But the most important thing to take away is to have those conversations and let your loved ones know your wishes for always pushing for conversations. Some of our families say it was a 10 second conversation we had while we were at the DMV, are we watching Grey's Anatomy and they let me know their wishes. So conversations are so important.

You know, Google's it's your friend. So check out those trusted sites and yes, please register, move forward and make life happen. Maybe have another question for us. You'd like us to cover here on the gifted life.

Give us a call 50464834. 46483477. Every episode we honor a hero and this episode we honor Caleb Easterling. I mean, learn about Caleb from his family.

Caleb was killed by an impaired driver on July 13th, 2023. He was 19 years old. He left a fish, play volleyball, and he was a college baseball player. Caleb always had a smile for anyone who crossed his path and was a light in the life of anyone who knew him.

Our world is a darker place without him in it. When he was getting his driver's license at 17, he asked me if I was an organ donor. I said, yes, I am. Do you want to do that?

He said, what does it mean exactly? I explained how it worked and he said, yeah, I'm going to do that too. He saved numerous lives and the loss of his life. If there is any one thing that comes from this tragedy, it is that I hope his recipients know what a gift they received, especially his heart.

It's bigger than anyone else's. I know he is our hero and will forever be missed. We pause and say thank you to Caleb for the gift of life. And that is a wrap for episode 232 of the gifted life.

Thanks for listening guys. And remember, you can register as an organ, I and tissue donor anytime, register me. Org, Patricia, which is enjoyed learning from her listening to her story. And her just sharing her experience.

Oh, and that courage to share that to write a book about our personal experience to help others. One person making a difference. Thanks for being here on the gifted life. The best place to find us guys.

Tell your friends at our website, thegiftedlife.org. Listen there and find links to listen on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify, iHeartRadio, Pandora, wherever you listen to podcast. And if you listen on Apple Podcasts, please leave us a five star rating. It really helps others to find us on social.

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Until next time. This is a production of the Louisiana Organ Procurement Agency or LOCA. The Gifted Life is hosted by Lori Steele, Joey Buetro and Malishwaab. Our executive producer is Kirsten Hines.

Producer is Shalom Caraway and we are recorded, engineered and mixed in our Covington Louisiana studio by Troy Perez.