Why We Have Sex We Don't Want (& How To Approach it)

Sometimes low libido doesn’t look like avoiding sex. Sometimes it looks like having sex you didn’t really want in the first place.In this episode, I talk about something that’s far more common than most of us realise: saying yes to sex in a committed relationship even when you’re not really in the mood.It's about the kinds of moments where you agree because it feels easier than arguing, because you don’t want to disappoint your partner, or because you hope you’ll “get into it” once you start.We look at what the research says about why we do this, when it’s more neutral, and when it reduces desire and closeness further - or becomes harmful. Toward the end, I share a simple reflection exercise to help you understand your own “yes” — and whether it’s something that it's helpful, or costing you something. In this episode, we explore:Why saying yes to unwanted sex is incredibly common in long-term relationshipsThe difference between saying yes because you want connection — and saying yes to avoid conflict or guiltThe subtle forms of pressure that don’t look like pressureWhen and why sexual compliance can sometimes lead to positive outcomes, and why it more often leads to negative outcomes. A ​guided, free exercise to work out your own 'yes'02:20 - What Is Sexual Compliance?05:37 - Today's Research Paper: How Common Is Unwanted Sex?07:03 - Why People Say Yes: Approach vs. Avoidance Motives09:35 - It's About Power11:29 - The Mental Load & Desire Connection12:31 - The Two Types of Pressure: Explicit vs. Implicit14:20 - Monogamy & the Unspoken Contract16:21 - What Are the Consequences?18:23 - My Sex-Therapist "Neutral at Worst" Stance & What it Means19:36 - Avoidance Motives & Long-Term Harm21:48 - Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire22:29 - Free Exercise: Identifying Your Pattern28:52 - Breaking the Cycle & Finding SupportThe study discussed in this episode is Sexual Compliance in Finnish Committed Relationships: Sexual Self-Control, Relationship Power, and Experienced Consequences by Himanen & Gunst, published in The Journal of Sex Research.Interested in my services? Check them out hereJoin my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link