You Don't Have to Hold All of This Together

Have you ever felt like you're the only one keeping everything running — at home, at church, in your relationships — and you're exhausted but can't stop? This episode puts a name to that feeling: over-functioning. Kia unpacks it through a psychological, relational, and theological lens, tracing how it starts in childhood and ripples outward into every relationship we have — including our relationship with God and the church.This episode draws on themes from three earlier conversations:"Jesus Remembers" with Christine — developmental trauma, attachment theory, and how Jesus's own humanity changes our relationship with God."Returning to Eden" with Kia and her husband — Genesis's original design for marriage and how assuming we know our partner's needs leads to ongoing conflict."Church Size Matters" — Timothy Keller's framework on how church size shapes the relational experience of a congregation.Kia defines over-functioning as a long-term pattern of thinking or being that requires more of your body, mind, and spirit — or of a relationship — than it can sustainably provide. Drawing on the work introduced in "Jesus Remembers," Kia explains that humans have two core needs: attachment and authenticity. When childhood resources are limited, the body typically sacrifices authenticity to preserve attachment. One result is anxious attachment — doing more and more relational labor in hopes of staying connected and safe. In Marriage — Assuming what a partner wants (rather than asking) is a small but telling example. Scaled up, it produces cycles of unmet expectations, quiet distance, and exhaustion. Kia also addresses the cultural myth that marriage should be a source of complete happiness — a "savior" dynamic that sets both partners up to constantly over-function and still feel like they're failing.In Parenting — When parents over-function to shield children from all pain and disappointment, they unintentionally deprive their kids of the struggle needed to build resilience. Kia offers grace here too: every generation of parents will fail in some way, and the goal is to fail forward — making new mistakes rather than the same old ones.With God — Over-functioning in faith often looks like a works-based theology, even when someone intellectually knows they're saved by grace. If your attachment wound is deep enough, it's hard to believe God loves you as you are. You'll either try to earn connection with Him or treat Him like a parent you have to perform for.In the Church — Ministries often begin as small, organic gatherings and grow into systems that take on a life of their own. When the ministry becomes the identity of the church — rather than connection with God — a works-based culture can quietly take root. Serving becomes the currency of belonging, and over-functioning gets praised as generosity, patience, and faithfulness. The key question Kia offers: if you can't articulate what the church's identity and purpose is apart from its ministries, you may be over-functioning.Kia points back to Genesis — specifically God's first words to Adam and Eve after they sinned: "Who told you?" She invites listeners to sit with that second question.If the answer isn't God, then the voice driving the over-functioning deserves to be questioned.She also reframes pain — not as something to avoid, but as a gift that surfaces unmet need and drives us toward God. Over-functioning keeps us too busy to feel that pain. Slowing down will be uncomfortable, possibly terrifying. But that discomfort is the doorway back to authentic connection — with ourselves, with each other, and with God."The church that I dream of steps out of over-functioning... so confident and secure and authentically ourselves in the presence of God and each other that we will return to Eden once again — naked and unashamed."