“You’re Better for It” — Why This Phrase Hurts Abuse Survivors

A well-meaning person recently said to me, “You’re better for it,” while I shared the ongoing challenges of my abusive marriage—even a decade after leaving. My gut reaction? I certainly don’t feel better for it.I know they meant to highlight my resilience. But here’s the truth: Survivors don’t owe their strength to their trauma. And phrases like this, however kindly intended, can erase the raw, nonlinear reality of healing.Why “You’re Better for It” Misses the MarkWe don’t feel “better for it” when:* PTSD symptoms hijack our bodies years later.* Betrayal wounds make trust feel impossible.* Triggers turn mundane moments into minefields.* Self-doubt lingers like a toxic ghost.* Guilt sticks, even when we know we did nothing wrong.* Flashbacks ambush us in broad daylight.* Anxiety convinces us the progress was a lie.Healing isn’t a trade-off (“suffering for wisdom”). It’s a daily reckoning with scars that don’t disappear—scars we learn to live alongside.What Is True About Post-Trauma GrowthI won’t deny the ways my life has expanded despite the abuse: leaving corporate America, becoming a trauma coach, earning my master’s in social work, building a healthy relationship, traveling freely, raising kids with fierce love.But these victories aren’t because of the abuse. They’re in spite of it—fueled by my own grit, support systems, and privilege. The abuse didn’t make me stronger; I chose to rebuild.What to Say Instead (If You Want to Support a Survivor)Replace “You’re better for it” with:* “I see your strength.” (Acknowledge the fight, not the fallout.)* “Healing isn’t linear—I’m here for wherever you’re at today.” (Validate the messy process.)* “You’ve survived so much. That’s not fair, and I’m proud of you.” (No silver linings required.)To My Fellow SurvivorsYou don’t have to be “better” for what happened to you. Your worth isn’t tied to your growth. Some days, just getting through is enough.Your pain matters. Your anger matters. Your exhaustion matters. And so does your joy—when it comes.This isn’t about staying stuck. It’s about refusing to let anyone else define what “better” looks like for you.💜 Need support?* Join my email list for trauma recovery tools.* Explore 1:1 coaching: Book a free discovery call.* Watch my interview with Janet Fugate on overcoming abuse and addiction: [Bliss Beyond the Buzz](insert YouTube link here).P.S. If this resonated, you’re not alone. Drop a comment or reply—what’s one phrase you wish people wouldn’t say about your healing? Let’s rewrite the script together. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit swendel.substack.com