5 Words with Sean Patton

Hello dear legends! Nice to reacquaint you with one of our favorite guests, making his return in this episode, it’s Raanan Hershberg. He’s one of the top up and coming comedians here in NYC and always a great conversationalist. Like Santa Claus who only gives the gift of gab. We really get into the upcoming battle between Amazon and Disney for full control of every human on planet earth. Here are five words to describe this episode: always trust your new stuff. 

Holy smokes this is a hot one! This week's guest is a good friend and up and coming NYC based comedian Wilfred Padua! He’s originally from Seattle and we had a real humdinger of a conversation. Wilfred is smart, funny, and the perfect level of narcissist. You’re gonna love him as much as I do. Here are five words to describe this episode: turns out ghosts are real. 

I met this week’s guest whilst filming an episode of Ari Shaffir’s This is Not Happening. He immediately stood out as a great storyteller and overall good human being by the name of Gastor Almonte. He co-hosts a great podcast called The War Report (with 5 Words alum Shalewe Sharpe from episode ). We really chow down on some conversation here, and I believe we lay the foundation for our own religion—one where no one ever dies unless they’re an asshole. It’s a great episode, and here are five words to describe it: just buy a fucking house.

Hello dear legends, and welcome back! And I’m saying that to myself, as we are returning from a slight hiatus. Gotta get back out on the road! Vaxxed up, of course. This week’s guest is an all around top-tier gentleman named Tanael Joachim. He’s a comedian from Haiti now living here in NYC and is one of the true up-and-comers in the city and soon the country and then the world. He released his first hour special called January 3rd this year on Amazon. It’s great! We have a conversation about the old adage that women are crazy, men are stupid, and every other gender should find different role models. Here are five words to describe this episode: your ass can save you. 

Way back in 2019, this week’s guest and I dropped our albums on the same day. So obviously, she was destined to be on the podcast. It’s Prairie Home Companion’s own Erica Rhodes! And yes, you read that right. She’s been a voice actor since she was 10, so using her vocal skills to entertain the masses was a natural transition. After you listen to this episode, you’ll be hooked, so be sure to download her album Sad Lemon everywhere albums are downloaded! Here are five words to describe this episode: ask for their address first.

Coming at you from the greenroom of The Comedy Fort in Fort Collins, Colorado, this week’s episode not only features the return of my co-host but also the return of one of our favorite guests. The guest? None other than the sultan of Hot 97 turned Hot 97% approval-rated comedian himself, Cipha Sounds! We were doing shows in Colorado and decided to have a reunion episode, and I couldn’t be happier with this one. It’s a great conversation, and Cipha hit us with a story that is pure lunatic fertilizer. Here are five words to describe this episode: get the money up front. 

Comedy can be a tough business, and there are so many great comedians who go unnoticed for far too long. They keep grinding and get so good that when their time comes, they leave quite an impression. This week’s guest has done just that. She’s toured clubs, colleges, cruise ships, and now she will be making her Netflix debut on Tiffany Haddish Presents: They Ready. It’s Erin Jackson! I have admired Erin for years now, and you’ll definitely be able to tell by how much of a stumble-mumbling buffoon I am for most of this conversation. Erin has been everywhere from interning at CNN during George W. Bush’s inauguration to now performing on the largest streaming platform on the planet. Here are five words to describe this episode: Josh Harnett pays your rent. 

Seans of the world, unite! Shawns and Shauns, go get your own club! This episode is for those of us who spell it the Irish (correct) way. Friends are important, now more than ever, and this week’s guest is a good one (both a friend and an episode). It’s Sean Donnelly! He’s got his own show on SiriusXM and is a stalwart of the NYC comedy scene. We’ve known each other since 2007, so there is a lot to discuss here. We bounce around from BBQ to bar fights. Here are five words to describe this episode: when in doubt, act crazy.

Have you ever heard of Competitive Erotic Fanfiction? Do you think I’m making it up? I’m not, but the guy who actually did make it up and then bring it to life is this week’s guest, Bryan Cook! He’s a hilariously wonderful curmudgeon of a man who I’ve spent many a nights after shows, floating down a river of booze on a four-way kayak with. We get to jabber-jawing in this episode (WARNING: his story has a mention of someone ODing). He’s a redhead with the temper of a blondie, and these days he’s a writer for Jimmy Kimmel Live! Here are five words to describe this episode: roommate's boyfriend should wear pants.  

Fly high, dear legends! Comedy Central is still filming shows for the network, outdoors and all. Meaning they can’t do as many so the comedians they choose are fewer, and thus, the top of the food chain, a la this week’s guest Eagle Witt! He’s a big time up-and-comer here in NYC, and an all around interesting and insightful person to have a conversation with. We run the gamut over our chat. Here are five words to describe this episode: never trust your friend’s bike.

What do the TruTV game show Comedy Knockout and the Amazon Prime Emmy award-winning show The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel have in common? This week’s guest! It’s Noah Gardenswartz! He’s a hilarious comedian who’s currently a writer on the aforementioned megahit series. He and I met back in Atlanta a decade ago. Now, he’s nominated for an Emmy, and I’m the king of my own podcast kingdom! We really chew the fat. Here are five words to describe this episode: Nyquil is the real deal.    WARNING: apologies for the audio on my end, it’s a bit raspy because I had my settings slightly wrong. Noah, however, sounds like a perfect angel. 

WARNING: Discussions of suicide. Holy cannoli, this week’s episode is a barn burner! I met our guest a decade ago at the Nutt Street Comedy Club (now called Dead Crow Comedy Club) in Wilmington, NC. We’ve gotten bender-level drunk in every timezone in North America since, and now she’s sober and living it up as one of the funniest comedians in the country that you haven’t heard of yet. It’s Ali Clayton! From the hills of North Carolina to the streets of Chicago and the boroughs of NYC, Ali has been on quite a journey. We dig deep in this episode: Ali got through a very dark time and is in a much better place now. We are very happy to still have her voice in the world. Here are five words to describe this episode: don’t trust your dad’s girlfriend.

What an episode we got for you right here! A wise man once said, “It’s not about arriving at the destination, but experiencing the journey.” And this episode is the epitome of such wise words. My guest? Myq Kaplan! He’s been everywhere comedians can be, and he just dropped another album called A.K.A. (get it here http://myqkaplan.com/buy/). Myq and I talk about everything from the NYC comedy scene back in 2010 to how you can get good at taking ayahuasca. From dealing with hecklers to getting to know your shaman, this episode is a wonderful journey, and we arrive at this conclusion: Myq is a hilarious comedian. Here are five words to describe this episode: your ringtone can save lives.

Happy 2021 to you all! It has been a bit since the last episode, so welcome back! We’re kicking this year off with the real deal himself. If a slam dunk were worth three points, it would be this week's guest Sam Morril! Sam is one of the absolute best in the game right now, dropping two specials last year (I Got This and Up on the Roof—both on Youtube, check ‘em out!). We really go big here, talking about everything from Spike Lee to elder sex. Here are five words to describe this episode: choose your friends very wisely. 

Good day, dear legends! We’re sure many of you have thought, “This podcast is not only great, but also really appreciates the art of storytelling. I wonder when they’ll have another published author as a guest…” And the answer to that is RIGHT NOW! This week’s guest is the spectacular Sam Tallent. Sam is not only a force of nature onstage, he is also the author of the novel Running the Light. It is an awe-inspiring piece of literary masterwork. Here’s what Doug Stanhope, the jedi road warrior himself, has to say about it: “had to stop so many times to read passages aloud to people that I feel like I'm doing the Audible version. Brilliant writing. Astounding.” It’s amazing from start to finish, and you can buy it at www.samtallent.com (do this instead of going to Amazonk, this way Sam makes more money and Jeff Bezos makes less). You know what else is also great from start to finish? This episode! Give it a listen! Here are five words to describe it: your mom can throw hands.

Hello there, Legends, let’s dive right on in! This week our guest has achieved a feat very few people have, and pretty much no other comedian has: she swam on the US National Swim Team. Twice. And now she’s a comedian living in NYC! It’s Laura Sogar! We talk all about her swimming career—which spanned 20 years—how she once trained with Michael Phelps, how Baywatch would’ve played out were it set in Rhode Island, and the most harsh “Welcome to New York!” moment of her life. Here are five words to sum up this episode: don’t cut off your ponytail.

Howdy, Legends! Good on you for tuning in this week as we get down ’n dirty with Atlanta boy, Mike Rowland. He’s an up-and-coming comedian here in NYC. You’ve seen him several times on Comedy Central’s This Week at The Comedy Cellar. We talk about the insanity of your average sports fan, being a belligerent dipshit in front of your comedy heroes, and why Moe’s just isn’t as good as Chipotle. Here are five words to sum up this episode: pine needles equal ass whoopings.

Goodness gracious are you legends in for a good one this week! Our guest is none other than Emma Willmann. You’ve seen her on Netflix’s Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and from her multiple stand-up appearances on TV. A native of Maine, we waste no time in getting right to it, discussing everything from voting for the first wrong candidate to which former president would be the best stand-up to “fuck health” parties. Here are five words to sum up this ep: don’t eat the street salt. 

Welcome back legends! This week’s guest is a grand slam: (1) He’s tremendous, (2) he’s our first live guest in six months, and (3) he’s our first repeat guest! It’s Shane Torres! From 64 episodes ago! He’s been on the road with Bert Kreisher; he’s been on Conan, Comedy Central, and Netflix; and he will be on the upcoming hit series (along with Sean) This Joka on Quibi. We have a great conversation, where we discuss Shane’s hatred of The Irishman and how much of a rapscallion he was in his younger years. Here are five words to describe this ep: fire escapes can’t be fat.

Welcome back legends! Yes, we did take a week off (due to technical difficulties) but we are back with a vengeance, and by vengeance, I mean this week’s guest Pete Lee! (His nickname was “vengeance” in the boy scouts). Pete’s a wonderful comedian who’s been all over the TV, Comedy Central, The Tonight Show, Pornhub, as well as having his own podcast Snugglestorm. Here are five words to sum up this episode: just do the right thing. 

This week’s guest is fellow podcaster and co-host of Roomates for Life: the ever-charming M.K. Paulsen. This man is complex in a good way. He’s like a cross between Season 3 of Game of Thrones and this upcoming season of Drag Race personified.  He hails from deep Texas and was a senatorial aide in DC before moving to Germany to pursue a career in comedy. See? Good complex! Here are five words to sum up this episode: know yourself before meeting others.

This week we welcome the Prince of The Bronx: Vladimir Caamaño! You’ve seen him perform on Jimmy Kimmel Live, have a guest starring role on Brooklyn 99, and play the lead on the short-lived CBS drama, Tommy. Now, hear him talk with us about bicoastal life, relationships in quarantine, and much more. Here are five words to describe this episode: always trust your dad’s cool. 

On this podcast, we occasionally like to have guests with at least three full-time names. This week, we have that guest: the great Adam Cayton-Holland. He’s the co-creator and star of Those who Can’t (formerly of TruTV and soon to be on HBOmax) as well as a published author and nationally touring comedian. We were supposed to be doing shows at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe this month, but since we can’t, we decided to do something even better: have him on our podcast! Check out all things Adam Cayton-Holland, and thank us later. Or thanks us now if you’d like. Here are five words to describe this episode: always listen to the villagers. 

Remember the 90’s? Specifically the show Family Matters? Do you think Steve should’ve told Laura to fuck off? How about late 90’s rap from New Orleans? Do you too think Juvenile is underrated? Well then this may be the perfect podcast episode for you. This week’s guest is comedian, actor, and podcaster Derek Gaines. Fresh off his appearances is The Last OG And the Judd Apaotow directed, Pete Davidson vehicle King of Staten Island, We get into the 90’s. From The Fresh Prince to the Patrick Duffy helmed Step by Step, this episode is a journey. Here are five words to describe this episode: soap don’t go in there.

We have great comedians as guests every week, but this is the first great comedian AND sideline reporter of Cannonball on the USA network we’ve ever had. Welcome Simon Gibson! Hailing from Portland, Oregon, Simon is an LA based comedian who “dazzles, frazzles, sizzles, and sazzles every time he’s onstage! He’s a one person personification of hoolarity!” (Owl Quarterly). We have a great conversation about life, comedy, and being a sideline reporter on a show that is essentially American Ninja Warrior for people with type 2 diabetes. Here are five words to describe this episode: jump or be eaten alive?

All the way from Houston via Atlanta, but before that Corpus Christi… and eventually a stint in LA before putting down some roots in NYC. That’s the journey of this week’s guest Matthew Broussard! Matt is one of the best joke writers in New York, performing regularly at The Comedy Cellar, The Stand, Eastville, and pretty much every other club in the city. He’s been on TV, he’s on the internet, and right now hear him with Sean and Caitlin! He’s got a very unique past and a very crazy story. Here are five words to describe this episode: don’t buy cats in Florida.

If you’ve ever lived in Los Angeles and been a part of the comedy scene, from fans to famous comedians, you’ve heard of the Super Serious Show, which was created by our guest Mandee Johnson (and her husband, the wonderful Jodel Mandelkorn). If you haven’t heard of the Super Serious Show, don’t worry ‘cause it’s still happening, and now there’s a book! Yep. In addition to being a fantastic photographer and booker, our guest Mandee Johnson is also a published historian! You can get her book here: https://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/book/super-serious/. This is a super seriously good episode. Here are five words to describe this episode: animals are better than us.

If John Candy, Wayne Gretsky, and Alf were hanging out in a laboratory and unknowingly stepped into a coalescence chamber to smoke a bowl and accidentally turned it on, you would get this week’s guest Glenn Wool. And he got him indeed! Glenn is one of those special people who can just make you smile and laugh whilst drinking at a bar, and make you smile bigger and laugh even harder whilst onstage. He’s performed on every continent except Antarctica. Numerous times! He’s the Beethoven of road dogs. Here are five words to describe this episode: be careful when you applaud.

Everyone loves making new friends, but the older one gets, the more we appreciate old friends. Seaton Smith and Sean are old friends, and it just so happens that he’s this week’s guest too! Seaton is a marvelous comedian, writer, and actor. You’ve seen him on many things, including the tragically short lived Mulaney. We discuss the current state of the world, as well as the current state of our own minds. This is not one to miss. Here are five words to describe this episode: ideas plus girlfriends equal haircuts 

What a special guest! A good friend and even better comedian by the name of Chris Garcia! He’s got a story on another podcast you may or may not have heard of called This American Life, as well as his own six part podcast on WNYC called Scattered. He and Sean go way back to the first time Sean visited the city of San Francisco back in 2010. It was quite the time, and we discuss how much the Bay Area has changed since then as well as hear tale of his insane story. Here are five words to describe this episode: keep your dukes way up.

This week’s guest is the personification of a laugh with a slight belch at the end (which makes you laugh harder, and thus opens up the possibility of more belching). He’s a truly unique comedian who’s appeared on NBC’s The Good Place and has his own HBO special The Golden One. Whit’s also from the south, proving that good people come from all directions. We had a wonderful time talking to Whit and really diving into what it means to “check yourself.” Here are five words to describe this episode: when lying, lie really big.

Being a storytelling comedian is a challenge, because you have to completely engulf the audience in your words and have them breathing in your every syllable. Being a great performer also helps. This week’s guest is all of the above. Aside from his hour special on Showtime (which is a hilarious special), you’ve seen him on Netflix’s Disjointed, Fam on CBS, and have heard him on Bojack Horseman. We have a all around discussion of the protests of the murder of George Floyd and the state of racism in the US, as well as a brighter look at what the future may hold for us all. Here are five words to describe this episode: be careful what you sign.

Some of the best comedians in the world perform at The Comedy Cellar. Did you know that some of the best managers of comedy clubs also work there too? This week’s guest is the Queen of the Night herself, Liz Furiati! She’s around stand up every night and has not only seen some of the best there is, she’s drank most of them under the table. When people think about great comedy clubs, they rarely ever think about the people behind the scenes keeping it all running and preventing the liquor license from being revoked. It was an absolute pleasure to have her on and discuss the future of comedy clubs and the madness of the lifestyle of those of us in comedy in NYC. Here are five words to describe this episode: open hand slaps are loud. 

Hello Legends! Here we go again, as we do every week—with another fantastic guest! This week is the King of the Nipple Ring himself, Ian Fidance! We don’t actually know if Ian has any nipple rings, but he has the aura of a person who is more than meets the eye. He’s a favorite all across NYC, and he’s a regular opener for Dave Attel. This episode is like your fitbit sleep chart. It starts off light, then gets deep, then jumps up into crazy, then light, deep, and crazy all over again. Here are five words to describe this episode: be careful befriending while drunk.

Every now and again, we have a guest who Sean used to be terrified of. This week’s episode is that now and again! The wonderful Jen Kirkman joins us. She is a top-tier, hilarious comedian and author who Sean became a fan of back when he was doing open mics. She was a big dawg then and is a straight-up wolf now. She’s got two books, three Netflix specials, and was a writer on the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. In this episode, we have a great conversation about overcoming anxiety. These days, everyone could use an extra pointer in those regards. Here are five words to describe this episode: always trust your airplane coach.

What a week! What an even better guest! There are few certainties in life, and one of them is that involving Aparna Nancherla in your day is bound to make it more enjoyable. She’s not only great at stand up comedy, writing for scripted TV shows and cartoons, acting, writing a book, teleportation, and living in Brooklyn, she’s also a Queen! In the chess piece sense. While most are one directional, she can and does do it all. Here are five words to describe this episode: don’t stare for too long 

All aboard! This week's guest is a favorite at the Comedy Cellar in NYC, as well as the host of his own podcast where he doles out dating advice to his followers. It’s the one, the only, the J-Train himself: Jared Freid. We had a hilarious conversation about life in the most congested city where everyone is trying to avoid becoming congested, and his opinions of it all are a breath of fresh air. Here are five words to describe this episode: wax is holier than thou.

What if you were a comedian and your legally given surname was Rimshot? Now imagine being a musician with the last name Funk. This week’s guest lives it. Chris Funk, you may know him from the Decemberists, Black Prairie, or his many other musical endeavors. Sean and Chris met in Portland back in 2014, and they proceeded to drink memory fuel together for a week straight. Chris is a wonderful musician and a wild storyteller. Here are five words to describe this episode: get your driver's license renewed. 

Most Americans have three names, but very few of us have the jimmy-jacks to use all three. Nicole clearly gives -3 fucks. She’s a wonderful writer and comedian based in LA. We met her while Sean was performing with her at the Comedy Cellar in Vegas. She has opened for Dave Attel, toured with Bobby Lee, and is a paid regular at the world famous Comedy Store (Happy 48th anniversary, by the way)! Here are five words to describe this episode: never trust rich people’s parents. 

Most people have never been to Alexandria, Louisiana nor opened for Trevor Noah at Madison Square Garden. This week's guest has done both. The wonderful Josh Johnson joins us to talk about everything from writing on The Daily Show, MMA, being robbed, what happened to Shoney’s, and much more. Here are five words to describe this episode: is a “dump” dress wrong?

Sometimes, in this business, you luck out and get to be friends with a person like this week’s guest, Jenny Zigrino. She’s the love child of the angel and devil on your shoulders, both telling you the right thing to do, whilst simultaneously daring you to put your foot in your mouth. She has a pure zest for life which—in these crazy times—is important to hold onto. She’s been on Conan, Comedy Central, a ton of other things, and now, this podcast. Here are five words to describe this episode: acid won’t help you sleep.

Maybe you’ve ever heard of Cullen Ryan, and that’s okay. Often, the best people stay behind the curtain, running around and making sure everyone has what they need to be themselves. Cullen is the producer of Clearwater Comedy, an exceptional live comedy production company in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, which is the best kept secret in the United States. It’s the Asheville, North Carolina of Wisconsin. It’s a wonderful place where fantastic shows are produced by a wonderful human being named Cullen Ryan. This is a great story wrapped in a hilariously personal episode.  Here are five words to describe this episode: remember to hug your enemies. 

Yeah, we know there’s a global pandemic, but there’s no one better to take your mind off of things than Raanan Hershberg! He’s got a fantastic late night set on James Corden, a killer album out called Downhill Ever Since (that Caitlin designed the album artwork for), and an amazing story that involves horse racing and hand raising. We recorded this album before COVID-19 really changed the game, so thank goodness we got this hilarious story here to truly take your mind off things. Here are five words to describe this episode: don’t rip up the check.

Who doesn’t love Springfield, Missouri? The home of cashew nut chicken and possibly where the Simpson’s live is also the birthplace of this week’s guest Kenny DeForest. Every now and again you meet someone and think, “I hope you run for president one day because I would vote for you… and probably end up hating you because presidents are just puppets on strings being jerked around by clandestine world powers, but I think you’d win a general election cause you got the goods!” And to us, Kenny is that guy. Intelligent, funny, and just fucking real as they come. He’s got late night killer sets on Seth Meyers and James Corden. Here are five words to describe this episode: ghosts are sexier than mushrooms.

You wanted more international guests, and we’ve responded! This week, all the way from somewhere in Scotland, is the REAL Daniel Sloss (not to be confused with his arch nemesis Slaniel Doss). Spending an hour with this fine gent is like washing down a bowl of tonkotsu ramen with a LaPhroaig on the rocks: flavorful and stimulating. He’s got specials on Netflix and HBO, and neither are as good as this episode! (That’s not actually true he’s a brilliant performer). Here are five words to describe this episode: always take the later flight.

If Benjamin Button only aged in reverse in his mind, you would have this week’s guest John F O’Donnell. Year by year, he is bursting with the wonder of a child who has seen more than any of us. He’s a brilliant comedian, podcaster, and humanitarian who has performed around the world and back. We talk about his journey and his battle with… well, listen up to find out! Here are five words to describe this episode: we are all so human.

This week we have Sam “The King of Swing” Evans. He got that name in his home state of Ohio, where his comedy was known to sway municipal elections. He’s crushed every show in every time zone in this country and now you get him here on the podcast! We talk about all things Midwestern as well as why neither Sam nor Sean are very good at weed (Caitlin on the other hand is the LeBron James of being high on a podcast). Here are five words to describe this episode: never trust maids in hotels.

His jokes have abs, his jokes have lats, his jokes can do crossfit. It’s Josh Gondelman! You may know him from his Emmy award-winning stint as head writer for Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, his current stint as head writer for Desus & Mero, his book Nice Try: Stories of Best Intentions and Mixed Results, or any of his late night appearances. We’re talking about everything from rap songs covered by singer-songwriters to being somebody else’s proxy to classic moments at the Comedy Cellar with Tracy Morgan and Dave Chappelle. Here’s five words to describe this episode: give somebody a good story.

Jo Firestone: Mouth Trombone. What a goddamn gem. You may know Jo from Fallon, Joe Pera Talks With You, High Maintenance, Shrill, The Chris Gethard Show, her own podcast Dr. Gameshow on Maximum Fun, her album “The Hits” on Comedy Central Records, and much more. We’re talking about everything from spoons to forks to how to give a proper compliment to why it’s bad to read the comments to warm vs. cold energies. Here’s five words to describe this episode: tread lightly when you’re matchmaking.

“If these balls could talk.” That’s what every guy thinks about his own genitalia, and this week’s guest Louis Katz was bold enough to make an entire album about it! He’s been on Comedy Central, HBO, and regularly opens for living comedy legend Dave Attel. He’s seriously one of our favorite people, and he has no problem answering Sean’s annoying questions about Judaism. And seriously, after you listen to this episode, check out that album and his own podcast Road Heads, because they’re great too. Here’s five words to describe this episode: Schlomo is a real name.