All About Nothing With Ruth Cohn

Giving and receiving are delicate matters for survivors of neglect trauma. Many, if not most, are much more comfortable on the giving side of the equation - up to a point. Equation is an apt word here, because often, there is some sort of conscious or unconscious calculus of what the gift is “worth,” what it merits or warrants in return, or what it means. It is especially tricky when it comes to gifts to or from the therapist. There is a wide range of philosophical, theoretical and ethical standpoints on this, and a world of varying experiences. In this week’s video we dip in to that deep subject.

In this week’s video we make a short foray into one aspect of repair that is elusive and potentially harmful. When I say short, I mean that we could discuss it for many hours, and it spills into a subject that is very powerful and dear to my heart, the delicate task of forgiveness, which I have a whole book in me about! So this is a passing glance at best, from the standpoint of “confronting of perpetrators and those who have hurt us." It is controversial at best, but again my attempt to learn from experience, and share what I have learned the hard way.Also a shout out for my dear friend and brilliant colleague Janina Fisher's upcoming live Q&A. You can register at https://therapywisdom.com/ask-me-anyt... to join live or to ensure you receive the limited-time replay if you aren't able to make it to the live Q&A.

This week I am delighted to welcome special guest Prentis Hemphill. I have seen Prentis, perhaps from afar for a number of years. They seemed to embody so many of the values I hold most dear: healing, social justice, somatics, non-binary gender and sexualities, and "walking the walk."Of course in my neglect survivor way, I was perhaps intimidated by someone this awesome. However I later discovered, you can add humility to the list. They are delightfully approachable.What did it was reading their book, What It Takes to Heal: How Transforming Ourselves Can Change the World. When I read the chapter where Prentis welcomes their daughter, I knew I had to approach them, to talk about that with all of you. It is an honor to welcome them!

This week’s video is a triple celebration, we celebrate International Women’s Month and a universe of precious women; we celebrate Janina Fisher, an exemplary woman (and I can celebrate twenty years of knowing and then friendship with her); and another celebration for Janina’s book launch: Embracing our Fragmented Selves. Three cheers as we welcome our special guest!! Janina's new book can be purchased here: https://www.amazon.com/Embracing-Our-Fragmented-Selves-Therapists/dp/1683738918Janina's website: https://janinafisher.com/

A few years ago, I read a then new novel called Klara and the Sun, by Kazuo Ishiguro. I have found Ishiguro’s work interesting and provocative. Although I have never been fond of science fiction or fantasy, something about how he incorporates other worlds with existential themes, has been compelling to me. And does not gnaw against questions of credibility. This book, about human-like dolls and their relationships with each other and with humans, I found fascinating. Of course, relationship in general can be engaging and interesting. At the time, (2021) I had no idea what was coming.Living in the San Francisco Bay Area in the USA, I am in the heartland of technology and AI. Artificial Intelligence is of course the big buzz now. I resisted it for a while, especially as I saw the proliferation of what I call “ghost cars,” the self-driving electric vehicles speeding driverless seemingly everywhere. They give me the creeps, although a number of my neglect clients actually use them and like them as they prefer not having to interact with a live human driver.However, as a writer, I have found that AI can be handy, for finding citations, or formatting footnotes, or asking a quick logistical question, like” is this a postal holiday?” I would not dream of asking ChatGPT to write something for me. I am way too vain for that! Admittedly I have a hard time not saying please and thank you to the bot. It is so friendly and seemingly generous with me. I also began to hear stories from clients, interacting with it rather like friends or “counsel” on matters that they might not want to bother me or another human with. I don’t mind that, as long as it does not become a simple and painless substitute for the hard work of relationship, which is of course the nemesis of neglect survivors.I have become concerned, that the chatbot can become an easy bypass for authentic relationships with human and non-human living beings. Although I have not investigated yet, I know that every new technology ever, has become a market -place for sexual relationship. I shudder to think about where AI will go with sex, if it has not already. Anyway, it seemed like a good time to review the Dilemma Without Solution, the heart of neglect trauma.

At the core of neglect trauma is loss. Even loss of what was perhaps never there in the first place, but should have been. This week we will talk about two topics that rarely get spoken of: one's intimate sexual life, and aging. We will touch on both of these often secret or uncertain worlds, that way too often are navigated alone, or with a measure of shame.On the subject of aging and shame, when you watch the video you will see I have not one but two senior moments! Where my mind goes blank! Here is everything I could not remember!The 6 Principles: Consent, Non-exploitation, Honesty, Shared Values, Protection from Sexually-Transmitted Infections, Pleasure.My Golden Rule: If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, who what good am I? If not now, when? Now go and study!Sallie Foley's Book: Sex & Love for Grownups: A No-Nonsense Guide to a Life of Passion.

Hope Will Not Be Cancelled Healing from trauma and neglect can feel endless, and in a way it really is. Not infrequently, and even after all these years, I am humbly reminded: “Oh there it is again.” The experience of time standing still, emptiness, is a signature of the neglect experience. In a universe of nothing, nothing changes, which is why waiting and boredom are so excruciating and unbearable to survivors of neglect. It feels like deadness. There is no future. The state of the world is so bleak these days. Here it is, a new year. I wondered what can I talk with you about today? I remembered back in the early Pandemic days, it seemed as if time stood still. It was unreal. Solitary confinement is an internationally recognized form of torture and we were all virtually in it. It seems like a distant dream now. It did pass. And so will this. During COVID, things were getting cancelled right and left. I remember coming across the slogan Hope Will Not Be Cancelled. It was heartening to me, and I made a sticker of that slogan and pasted it all over everything. I figured that would be our topic for today. Please be sure to listen to the song today. It really says it better than anything I could. And let’s stay connected and keep hope alive.

The winter holiday season can be a time of joy and celebration for some, and for those with histories of trauma and neglect, it may very well be a time of particular pain and loneliness. Where I live there is a (to me) overblown culture of consumerism and consumption, with great emphasis put on buying and giving things, gifts.For those of us with histories of trauma and neglect, or the specific trauma of poverty, there may be even more distorted meanings around giving and getting.I always somehow imagined or dreamed that I would get something really special that would show me I was special, that I was worth something; or that I might be sufficiently known to receive something I would like.Giving gave me a way to at least for a minute, feel appreciated, even if it was not really me that was appreciated, but the material gift.Giving and receiving can be particularly fraught for survivors of neglect. That is the theme of this week's video.Finally, few words about hope:I had the privilege of going to hear revolutionary icon Angela Davis speak. She is now 82. Davis was a champion of the US Black Power Movement of the 1970's. It meant a lot to me that she of all people, is hopeful!Best wishes of the season to all!And hope for the year to come!

Amidst the buzz about sex that seems to always be around, for many of us, your clients may be wondering about their own lackluster sex lives, their partners having "lost interest," or accusing them of losing interest. They may be wondering "what is wrong with me?" Or what is wrong with my partner?" Or what is "normal."Those with a neglect history, who never had anyone to ask or talk to about even their pubescent changing bodies, may be full of questions that they may never ask. Admittedly this may be true for us personally.There are many reasons for the missing or lost spark. It may be an expression of the dysregulated, hypo-aroused neglect survivor's brain; developmental age-related bodily changes, or misconceptions about desire in the first place. Shame and prevailing myth, keeps people from speaking to or asking even their own partners. Similarly, one may wonder about their own or their partners' seemingly insatiable or extreme appetites for both quantity and sexual activity.This week's video breaks the silence about a very large topic.

It is a challenging time of year for those with neglect and incident trauma histories. The winter holidays of any denomination may be fraught with family memories of all kinds...disappointment, feeling outcast or different, or more traumatic episodes.In the US it is a time of great commotion, consumerism, and congestion. Pressure to have happy families to have happy celebrations with, lots of buying and giving and eating...these pressures on top of already existing difficulties.It is not fitting with the "Norman Rockwell" idyllic image of a harmonious, white, nuclear family with a beautiful tree and lots of presents. All this may result in feelings of shame, envy and grief.Oy vey! My husband and I choose to feel the whole thing, and head for someplace warm and quiet.Another insidious experience for many, the now better understood "anniversary reaction" phenomenon. The body/nervous system seems to have an uncanny additional sense or calendar where it registers the approach of a fraught time of trauma. One's reactivity seems to ramp up for no apparent reason. If you find yourself feeling more reactive, irritable or out of sorts at this time of year, you are not alone. That is our topic this week. Do take heart. As ever, the more trauma processing we do, the easier things get over time.

Next week is the Thanksgiving holiday here in the US, never a favorite of mine. For an anorexic kid, it was a true nightmare. I always thought of it as “the great American eating holiday.” There was no escaping all that food, that I did not even like. Now it is more an ideological distaste as it celebrates a fictitious harmony of colonial and Indigenous people breaking bread together, hardly the history as I understand it. However, I am all about any celebration of gratitude, and I am certainly grateful to have food, certainly not to be taken for granted in these times.A couple of weeks ago I had the good fortune to meet Trish McOrmond through a webinar I gave. Trish, a sociologist, trauma informed coach, mother and very wise woman, is of the Wahkotowin Cree Nation, Edmonton, Canada. She generously enlightened me about their Native attachment and parenting model, which unlike the dyadic one I am most familiar with, involves the collective. I was both humbled and fascinated.We are privileged to welcome Trish today as our special guest. She mentioned that she taught her children to express themselves freely, and say it all provided it is true, kind and necessary.Let’s all celebrate gratitude, whatever we might call it!

In today’s video we feature special guest Stephanie Simms. I met Stephanie in Oxford in 2024, when she was on a panel where she described an experience of racial trauma. Her story moved me deeply and we made one of those instant connections. Stephanie is a veteran of 20 years in the US Air Force, where plenty of racial and gender related trauma occurs, and later had a stint in the US space program, NASA. Stephanie, like me, has a story about the complex and the invaluable experience of forgiveness. As it happens, we welcome her just before the US observes Veterans Day. Stephanie can be found at beyondsolace.com

Like many children of trauma and neglect, I searched for heroes and idealized others, someone to look up to and identify with. I was and to some extent still am, a hero worshipper of sorts. Certainly not as I was. As a young activist who always loved music, musical icons with social justice messages were high on my list. It is always a terrible blow to find out a hero, may in fact have feet of clay. You have seen and heard in my blogs before, at least once, the powerful music of Buffy Saint Marie, icon of the Indigenous People of the North American continent. It was with great dismay that I discovered that perhaps this (to me) great musician, was not who she appeared to be.That little journey is the subject of this week’s video.

This week's episode was recorded in Oxford, where I was attending and speaking at the Transform Trauma 2025 Conference.In this episode, I reflect on a movie I watched on the plane. I describe to you the powerful discovery of a group of men in a truly bleak environment, that enabled a burst of joy and connection among them.It is a worthy practice for survivors of trauma and neglect, who may not often experience either. Thank you for tolerating my jet lagged face, and the less than glamorous setting. Next time we will be back to "normal."Have a good week!

This week we have a very special guest. We are honored and privileged to welcome Mike Niconchuk.I met Mike at the Boston Trauma Conference. I was so moved by his talks there that I invited him for an interview. Mike is a researcher, activist, author, hero and all around amazing human being.I say hero because Mike works on the front lines, where raw trauma is happening live around him. Mike is also of a different generation than I. And his story about intergenerational transmission hails back to a different part of the world than mine. But I am also interested in all our commonalities.Mike is also a founding member of the Salama Project, for those who may be as inspired as I am by him, and would like to know more or help:https://salamaproject.com/

Everyone is talking about it, and it seems to be everywhere. I figure it is time for me to say at least a few words about AI. I admit I feel very mixed about it, but then that is true about so many relationships, people and things in this complicated world. My giving it a chance to show its merits is admittedly quite new. And my apprehensions about mechanization and de-personalization are quite old! It does appear to be here to stay, and it certainly is proliferating where I live. The book I mention in the podcast is: Searches: Selfhood in the Digital Age (2025) by Vauhini Vara. I didn’t love the book, but it is written from a writer’s standpoint and was thought provoking. I am madly preparing for the Transform Trauma Oxford 2025 Conference that is rapidly approaching. Hope to see you there!

I was about five when they came out with color TV’s. We did not have one, and continued to huddle around the grainy old black and white for a long time. But I remember our dentist, who was a family friend, would sometimes have us over for dinner with his family on a Sunday evening. All I remember about those visits, is gathering around their spectacular color TV to watch Walt Disney’s Wonderful World of Color.I was enthralled by the intro’s. Vivid kaleidoscopic swirls of primary color, like a moving Jackson Pollack painting. I always loved color. This week’s video explores how the neglect brain gets stuck in black and white. And what that has to do with the “three P’s”, helplessness and hopelessness. With the help of neuroscience we connect these dots.

In this episode we pay a brief visit to the big topic of regulation and its many meanings and manifestations, from "over-reacting" to getting somehow stuck in trauma states, and feeling baffled by seemingly senseless or erratic relationship patterns. So very much of it begins with early neglect. And although it may elicit shame and confusion, or great fatigue, it is not a "character flaw" or a "pathology," but one of the many unfortunate impacts of early neglect trauma. And it may take a lifetime to get as regulated as we would like. I know I am still trying! As I mention in the podcast, many thanks to those of you who put your comments on the YouTube page. It is helpful to hear from you what "works" best, even if there is variation in what people want. It is helpful to hear them all. One person wrote about being interested in how to find the World Book Club. It is a very cool resource and concept, as well as an international community of readers. Look up BBC.com World Book Club, and you can find it.

Today video is a bit of a patchwork, bits and pieces of ideas I am sure I will develop, disarray of coming home from vacation, and trying to get organized to get back in the saddle. Hawaii is glorious. It is good to be home! Although it is freezing here in San Francisco, USA.Apologies for the chaos of videos! Last week you got none, but this week you get two. Yes, trying to get organized. The plan is resuming in August, the blog on alternate weeks. Thanks as ever for your interest!

Mind and BodyAloha everyone from glorious Kona, Hawaii, where I have the privilege to be this week. This video was made with a (real!) spectacular ocean view, not your Zoom perfect fake one!Being on vacation clears the head at least to some extent from the overcrowding of the “usual” thoughts and even coming back to a place I have been at least 50 times, I notice different things: a different flower or bird, a new and exotic food…and I think more freely and further outside of the workday “box.”Travel and jet lag has never seemed strenuous, nor has dramatic change of time zones… until now. This old body is not the same as it always was. Travel also invites the traveler to see many different bodies both en route to and at the destination. Here in Hawaii, partly due to weather, and partly due to culture, one sees a lot of skin, much of it tattooed, and of unabashedly all shapes and sizes. There does not seem to be the kind of body shame, “fat”-phobia or obsessive thinness. Well perhaps in Waikiki of “Surfin’ Safari” fame, (for those of us who are old enough,) where I have never been.In this brief video, I ponder about disability, weight, aging and the ways I find myself feeling different and thinking about different things. Age obviously is inevitable and is in fact a privilege! Perhaps we can enter into it informed, even prepared. But as with many other things, it is process, and there is no precise recipe.Let’s break taboo, speak openly about how rapidly we march through life. Body changes and identity, like neurons, continue to advance through the lifetime. In this week’s video, we take a rudimentary look at body, culture and attitude.

In this episode of All About Nothing, we welcome special guest Mariah Rooney. When there is trauma, neglect, violence and differentness, often family is lost one way or another. With Mariah we discuss families lost and found, new models created, and a wide world outside the box of what sorts of attachments are possible. Thanks for joining us!

While we are all inundated with grief, horror, shock and injustice, I thought we might look for a ray of light. Here in San Francisco, I awoke to a rainbow spectrumed search light across the sky in honor of Pride weekend. It was a wonderful way to start my day.The child of neglect, will readily default to a stance of “nothing matters.” It is a natural way to feel in a lonely world of disconnection. And a feeling we are up against as we strive to be more connected and to heal. This week’s video is about the benefit of little shots of positive into the “field,” into the world. Even small things we can do to shine a bit of light. And often it is easy!This one is a little shorter than usual. But next week you will get a long one! Meanwhile, keep it positive!

It is summer here in the US and a time of many comings and goings. Vacations, summer camps, and young adults graduating and launching for the lucky (I won't talk about all the involuntary departures...)It is often a time of trauma activations for survivors of trauma and neglect. Loss is the core of neglect trauma, so real or imagined, or even what are in real time short interludes of absence, can stimulate the survival terror of rejection, abandonment, or the desolation of "simple" absence. But I also have a message of hope, about a little guy who seemed to be truly gone, but through intention, care and loving, and knowledgeable action, found its way back.It's Pride Weekend here in San Francisco. Happy Pride to all!

In this episode, we have a special treat. Akillah Wali, who I met at the Boston Trauma Conference, will join us, and bring humor and fun to what is most often painful and difficult work.Hope you will enjoy it, while also growing your hippocampus!

I shamefully realized after recording the video, that it is summer in the Northern Hemisphere, but not everywhere! My one-person psychology at work: the whole world is me! Oy vey. In the Southern Hemisphere it will be getting colder and darker, but nonetheless, a good time to curl up with a good book. In this episode, I recommend three recent to me, really good reads, that broaden our focus on trauma and neglect to encompass more reminders, and are also relevant to recovery, as well as inspiration. Attachment and loss are important parts of each, that they are truly ubiquitous human experiences, whether or not they are the focus, as is the perennial question of what matters? I recommend them all. Happy reading (or listening if you prefer, all three are available in audio,) whether it be summer or winter in your part of the world.

Do you ever despair when once again revisited by old ghosts? When parts of you that you thought you had worked through long ago, rear up again, as powerfully as ever?Although I hate and avoid the word "triggering," it can in fact feel like being shot again, by an age old "enemy."Does it make you wonder "what is wrong with me?" Or, is all this therapy "not working?"Well, even those of us who have worked on our trauma for years and decades (or what seems like millennia!) have these episodes.This video was shot in my hotel room in Boston on my last day, so housekeeping would not be coming. The bed was unmade, and I wondered if I should actually film this with an unmade bed in the background. Not too professional, right? Well I decided to tell it like it is, to be real, as this video is in fact about "dirty laundry," showing the unsavory, disheveled parts to reassure you, even we old-timers have our moments!Thanks for your interest in Nothing!

In his masterwork, The Archaeology of Mind, neuroscience luminary, researcher and animal lover Jaak Panksepp wrote that a brief interlude of tickling of his lab rats, and a single bout of rat "laughter", activated a neurochemical and affective change in the little creatures, and even sprouted new neurons in their little hippocampi! And as we know, their brains are a lot like ours.In this video, we make a brief visit to the world of play, so elusive or missing in the world of neglect, and discover that there is actually even a brain region designed by nature to mediate what is in fact a vital function.And of course the redundant discovery, that if you, like me, thought you were "missing that gene”, it is not your fault. Again, something was missing.Thanks for joining us for episode 14!Hope to see you in Boston!

In this episode we discuss the neglected topic of aging: the aging body, the aging brain, sexuality as we age. Another of those seemingly taboo subjects that it seems there is no one to ask, or no one reliable, and one might be too shame or afraid to tell. Perhaps you can be slightly more aware of what to expect, and what is quite normal and expectable than I was!

In Episode 12 I invite you to join me in talking about sex, a topic so important to so many, and all too often neglected and unaddressed. On one hand we are constantly titillated and teased by it, yet most of us live with a poverty of real and reliable information. We are only scratching the surface of what I hope will become a long conversation! I invite you to become fluent and forthcoming conduits of that missing information, as well as taboo busting. We also review what constitutes "healthy" sexual relating. Can we talk?

As we see our parents age, many of us are seized with a nameless clash of often intense emotions, especially if we have traumatic memories of these parents from childhood, or mixed feelings about them at best. And especially if, as what is so often the case, our parents have their own tragic trauma stories. I have come to call this confusing and often overwhelming cacophony The Bermuda Triangle: a mish-mash feeling of shipwreck, mystery and invisible or vanishing wreckage or remains. We revisit the Bermuda Triangle in this week's video. Perhaps it will speak to you. On another note, I am unambiguously inspired and very busy getting ready for the upcoming 36th Annual Boston International Trauma Conference. I hope to see you there!

In this episode we diverge a bit from the more somber topics of trauma and neglect, to celebrate International Women's Month and specifically women's sexual health, with an emphasis on women's sexual pleasure! Enjoy!

Andy Marra, a Korean American trans adoptee told the moving story of searching for and traveling to Korea to meet her biological mother. Uncertain about how she will be received, and terrified about the complicated decision to come out to her mother, who thought she had given up a male child, she is terrified. It is a story of attachment, loss, repair and love.

Recently, I was introduced to a new-to-me clinical term: "Climate Anxiety."It is a mix of overwhelm, fear, anxiety, and hopeless despair about what is, at least for most of us, the undeniably dire state of our planet – riddled with almost daily frightening news of fires, floods, earthquakes, and volcanic activity.In this week's video we revisit the power of connection as a way to combat desolation and sense of defeat, or any pull toward resignation or paralysis. As ever with trauma, neglect and with every kind of healing, engagement and relationship provide our most powerful path forward.

Today we explore the crucial subject of interpersonal need, and the immeasurable value of social support.It is perhaps the most salient and profound of missing experiences in neglect trauma, and one of the most difficult and wonderful aspects of recovery to learn and heal. I have of course been powerfully reminded of this as I navigate this foray through my thankfully temporary disability. And gratefully, with all the treasured help and support I am getting better and better!

Before I started studying trauma and neglect, I associated the word regulation with rules and laws. Now it means so much more. And this word may be confusing because at least to me, it has two related but quite distinct meanings:One meaning corresponds to arousal, or nervous system activation, sometimes also referred to as affect regulation, to use the language of Allan Schore, my first teacher about it.The second meaning is about relationship regulation, or in other words one of my favorite topics: rupture and repair. Both tend to be sorely absent when there is trauma and neglect. Especially early in life. I often think of both as the "ground zero of development." That is our topic for today's video, although it is a very rudimentary Introduction.My recent injury has been a humbling reminder about regulation's traumatic counterpart: dysregulation. When runaway emotion from another time and place take over. Even after years of good trauma work! The best antidote of course, is safe, supportive attachments, with which I am now blessed! What a teacher this has all been!A favorite old song I love describes Cuba and Puerto Rico as two wings of the same bird, I think of the two meanings of regulation that way.

This episode of All About Nothing is a visit into a chapter of my past. We touch on the intergenerational transmission of trauma, and how my internalization of my father's trauma became a drive to prove my "worthiness" through martyrdom; a look at the island of Cuba as an icon of self-reliance, much like our quintessential child of neglect; and a reflection on how unsafety can keep us stuck in ways that may sustain harm and isolation. Thanks for joining us. All Best Wishes of the Season, and a fervent hope for peace in this sorry world!

What do you get when you cross a person hyper-focused on the feelings, needs and reactions of the other, with a person completely isolated and alone and in their own solitary world? "A one-person psychology." In this episode we explore this often misunderstood characteristic of many a survivor of childhood neglect.

Welcome to episode 3 of All About Nothing, our bi-weekly podcast series. Today, amidst storms of feeling on the heels of the recent US presidential election, we anticipate the upcoming national holiday of Thanksgiving, by visiting the complex world of giving, receiving, and gratitude, all fraught for the child of neglect.Thank you all for joining me in contemplating difficult topics, and changing my world.

When I began studying neglect and looking for patterns to recognize it, one of the first that jumped out at me, is what I came to call “the Three P’s of Neglect.” They are: passivity, procrastination and paralysis. The three P's became a “dead giveaway” in recognizing a child of neglect. The child of neglect has a very difficult time initiating, following through and completing tasks, especially in the interpersonal. Often they (or impatient parents, partners or others) interpret these attentional type issues as “the problem,” when they can point to “nothing” else. We touch on these topics in this week’s episode.

In this episode we will explore the complex subject of forgiveness, inspired by the Yom Kippur holiday and also by the many feelings stirred in me by tragic testimonials from both sides that I heard seemingly endlessly on October 7th. So much unbearable trauma. How do people move on? My experience of forgiving my father was one of the most profound experiences of my life, and I also know that forgiveness is not for everyone or every kind of injury. Not everyone is forgivable, or worthy/safe to forgive. Self-forgiveness however is imperative, and is finding a way to live with ourselves after doing or feeling responsible for something destructive or painful. This will be a first look at what is a very big and to me very important topic.