Deeper Still

Janice started dating at fourteen. Dating consisted of sex. She got pregnant and parented her baby. However, she started dating the father of her baby again and got pregnant again three months later. She knew nothing about abortion but felt like it was a way out of the pregnancy. She went to the Planned Parenthood at age fifteen and had a surgical abortion without parental permission or supervision. She left the clinic alone and rode the bus home. She got pregnant the following year and had a saline abortion, without her parents' knowledge. "I was really messed up".

This episode is in Spanish. Maria, Cata, and Luz talk about how abortion impacted them and how they found healing. This is the story of a daughter, mother, and grandmother.

This is the story of three women: a daughter, a mother, and a grandmother. All three experienced abortion, and all three experienced healing from the Father. They each tell their story (in Spanish), giving glory to Jesus.

Maddy was angry with God and the church because of the years of abuse at the hands of a "Christian" man at a Christian college. No one at the college addressed her abuse. She turned her back on God for years until she met a man who really followed Jesus. Through him, she met his mother, who is a Deeper Still team member. She was invited to a retreat and found that God was there and his people, but this time she felt safe.

Maddy's abusive and controlling boyfriend made it clear he did not want to be a father, but out of fear, she kept the abortion from him. Yet, when he found out about the abortion, he beat her to the point of needing hospitalization. She was completely traumatized in many ways. She had not been going to classes and was expelled from school. Even though the school counselor knew about her abusive boyfriend, he ended up graduating from that school. Her parents didn't know how to help her. She required years of therapy after this experience. She felt ungrounded for more years and angry with God and the church, until she met a man who challenged her beliefs.

Maddy grew up in a Christian family, but one of frequent transitions. Her sheltered home life and difficult transition to college left her very vulnerable to predatory behavior. Her college boyfriend was charismatic and drew her in, but ultimately, he became very controlling and abusive. When she got pregnant, she went to a Planned Parenthood, and the doctor told her she was not healthy enough to carry a child. She felt she had no choice but to follow his recommendation of abortion.

Deena experienced physical complications after the abortion she had at age twenty. She also experienced depression and coped by drinking alcohol. As a result, she nearly didn't get into the program that prompted her to seek the abortion in the first place. In her senior year, she found the man she would eventually marry. Each time happy things would happen, she felt like, at some point, something bad would happen because of the abortion. She had three children on earth but couldn't acknowledge that she actually had four children, until her Deeper Still retreat. She also saw the men at her retreat who had lost fatherhood due to abortion and realized how her decision to have an abortion must have hurt the father of the baby, who did not want her to have it. She expressed how sorry she was that she took away his choice to be a father.

Though Deena grew up in a Christian home with loving adoptive parents, she still wondered about her birth family and why she wasn't wanted. As she grew up, she had a poor self-image and wrestled with memories of sexual abuse she experienced when she was five by her older brother, who showed her pornography that he had. She remembers having feelings at age five that she was not mature enough to process. She lost her virginity at age fourteen, and that sexual permissiveness continued into her college years, which led to a pregnancy and then an abortion. She had a complication after the surgical abortion and had to go back and have another D&C.

Jamie tried to commit suicide after the abuse from her boyfriend and the abortion he pressured her into. The counseling she received in the hospital and after helped her learn about what abuse was, but the abortion wasn't addressed as intentionally. After her relationship with God grew, she felt safer to heal from her abortion. She felt she was healed until she went to a Deeper Still retreat and got a profound healing from God.

Jamie's early childhood was idyllic, but after her parents divorced and a move when she was a teenager, she became very lonely. In her desire to fit in, she did what her peers did in high school and ended up in a sexual relationship. That boyfriend became abusive. She got pregnant by him when they were in college, and he coerced her into an abortion.

Maddy left her abusive boyfriend when he went to jail. She returned home to her parents' house, but her life was still full of substance abuse and loneliness. Although she grew up in church, she did not have a personal relationship with Jesus until her 22nd birthday, when her life changed dramatically, and she began to follow Jesus wholeheartedly. She got married to a wonderful man, but experienced infertility. Maddy felt like she was being punished by God. Only after going through intentional healing did forgiveness from God move from her head to her heart.

Maddy is a pastor's daughter who was abused by a member of her church as a child. This abuse and the need to try to be perfect as a pastor's daughter led to seeking love and attention when she was a teenager. She ended up in an abusive relationship, which led to pregnancy. Her boyfriend and his mother pressured her for an abortion. As a pastor's daughter, she did not want to be a disappointment to her family. She left the abortion clinic a changed person.

Dr. Donna Harrison from the American Association of Pro-life Obstetricians and Gynecologists (AAPLOG) discusses the protection a full-term pregnancy (especially the first pregnancy) provides for the breast tissue. She explains the mechanism whereby abortion can leave the breast tissue in an abortion prone state and the importance of careful monitoring for early detection if you have an abortion in your past.

Mike and David talk about the ways that abortion impacts men and how men can become the men God always intended them to be through healing after an abortion. Be strong and of great courage!

Mike and David talk about how abortion impacts men and why it is so important for men to pursue healing to restore their manhood.

Charlie had an abortion in his past that he kept secret from his wife. At first, he suppressed it and also became full of rage and shame. Even years of therapy did not help him connect the dots from his abortion history to his emotional and marriage problems. When he finally told his wife, he began to heal and eventually attended a Deeper Still Retreat, where he went through a deep healing.

Charlie grew up very self-protective and felt like he was raising himself. He never felt like he had any guidance and saw coping through drinking. So, as he grew into adulthood, he followed that pattern of drinking and looking down on women. When his girlfriend got pregnant, there was only one thing he wanted her to do- get an abortion.

Priscilla Coleman has been published in a multitude of research journals, studying the impact of abortion. In this podcast, she addresses her meta-analysis published in the 2011 British Journal of Psychiatry, the pushback against it, and the way that some research on abortion is flawed, leading to misleading outcomes.

Robin Atkins is the chair of the mental health subsection of AAPLOG: the American Association of Pro-life Obstetricians and Gynecologists. Through this podcast, Robin describes the lack of informed consent common in the abortion industry and how women are impacted.

This interview with Pastor Mike Spencer is outstanding. He is the President of Project LifeVoice and Author of the book "Humanly Speaking: The Evil of Abortion, the Silence of the Church and the Grace of God". His Vision: "I believe elective abortion is the defining moral issue of our time. As the president of Project LifeVoice, I have dedicated myself to equipping pro-life ambassadors to speak intelligently and redemptively to the injustice of abortion." 

It may feel easier to avoid this subject in sermons, but women and men in your congregation need to hear you preach on this. This podcast addresses why it is important and how to approach the subject of abortion in truth and love.

Four men share about common signs of a man whose heart needs healing from a past abortion.

Dawn's life escalated into two bad marriages, an eating disorder, substance abuse, and a mental block after her abortion. Through her sponsor, she found Jesus, and her life began to get better, but she didn't process her past abortion fully till she attended her Deeper Still retreat.

Dawn grew up feeling unwanted. After being abused by her brother, she acted out sexually and got pregnant. She hid the pregnancy from her parents till she was five months pregnant with the intent of getting emancipated. However, her parents took her out of state to a late-term abortion clinic, and she was forced to abort her baby. This set her life into a downward spiral.

Tonya's life continued on after her first abortion, but she made the same choices with men and had two more pregnancies that ended in abortion. She was so traumatized by the abortions that she couldn't remember very much about the last two. She didn't want to believe that she had three abortions, but through therapy, it was confirmed. She has accepted responsibility for her abortions and repented, which has ushered in much healing. She also attended her own Deeper Still retreat, which brought even more healing.

Tonya Bailey-Jones is the author of "Pearls in the Pews: Bringing Post-abortion Healing to the Church(ed). She grew up as the youngest child in a loving family with a single mom. Her older sister had two babies when she was a teenager, and Tonya saw all the challenges that the babies brought into the home. Tonya wanted to be the good girl that did everything right, but she too became pregnant at seventeen and tried to hide the pregnancy from her Mom. She didn't want to cause the same turmoil in the home that she saw growing up, and ended up having an abortion.

After two abortions, I married the father of the babies, and we had two more children later. I was a fearful, helicopter parent. Additionally, I was an angry person, and my marriage was volatile. For twenty-four years, I was such an angry person and disgusted with myself, until I started the healing process.

Growing up in a blended and broken household, Liz was anti-authority and started living a wild life. She ended up as a single Mom and was partying a lot, so her father took her son from her to keep him safe. She kept partying and connected with a guy, getting pregnant after a month together. She was full of fear and thoughts of what her son would think if she had another baby, so she ended up seeking abortion with the support of the father of the baby. The abortion clinic was dirty and in disrepair, and she would have left, but she felt desperate to get out of the situation she was in. She did not feel prepared for the procedure at all, and the clinic sent her out the door afterward with no recovery time or observation at the clinic. This set her on a downward spiral where she partied more and got pregnant again- only to seek abortion yet again.

Savanna tried to suppress all thoughts about the abortion she had at age 17. She lost all joy, she abused alcohol for the first time in her life, and was angry. Her anger carried over into her marriage and parenting. She needed answers to why she felt so bad, and she poured her whole story out to a counselor. The counselor recommended healing her abortion wounded heart, and Savanna found a Save One Bible study. Even though she received a lot of healing at the bible study, she was surprised by even deeper healing she found at her Deeper Still retreat.

Savanna got pregnant at age 17. Her boyfriend pressured her to have an abortion, and his parents paid for it. Her mother went with her to the abortion clinic, and so did her boyfriend. The only person who told her not to have an abortion was the woman outside the clinic who was yelling at her and calling her a murderer. She felt trapped and had the abortion. She was forever changed.

Carole's life began to spiral out more out of control with each abortion. Even though she went to counselors for her severe anxiety, alcohol abuse, marital conflict, and anger problems, they did not ask about the possibility of past abortions, and she did not volunteer the information. She felt safe to confide in her AA sponsor and began to get some healing. She got sober and started to develop a growing relationship with Jesus. After some time, she found profound healing through her Deeper Still retreat.

Carole grew up with alcoholic parents, and as an adult, she started following in their footsteps. Her first pregnancy ended in abortion after her boyfriend declined to marry her and wanted her to have an abortion. The relationship soon ended. Her second pregnancy also ended in abortion, but she eventually married the father of the baby and had more children with him. However, they also became pregnant with a son who was diagnosed with Down syndrome and some other anomalies. They followed the medical advice to abort the baby. Carole said after that she "felt like a total monster" and a "shell of a person". ***Trigger Warning***

Amanda's abortion at age 14 left her broken, but her brokenness led her to Jesus. She ended up married with five children, but she never forgot her baby lost to abortion. After joining a post-abortion Bible study and then joining the leadership, she knew it was her mission to bring awareness and healing opportunities for others. She attended a Deeper Still retreat and found even deeper healing and now serves on the Mississippi Deeper Still team.

Amanda got into the wrong crowd at school after leaving a Christian school and going to a public school after her parents divorced. At 12, she began dating a 15-year-old. At age 14, she was pregnant. She was taken to an abortion clinic when she was 17 weeks pregnant and was shown a grainy ultrasound picture. The clinic staff told her that it was "only a blob of tissue". She was taken to a late-term abortion clinic but ran from the building in an effort to avoid the abortion and save her baby. The adults around her convinced her to come back in to have the abortion. Her life was forever altered. 

After his son's serious illness and ultimate recovery, Matthew couldn't stop thinking about the abortions in his past. A mentor gave him the book by Karen Ellison, "Healing the Hurt that Won't Heal," and Matthew began to intentionally seek healing for his past. He found deep healing for his abortion wounded father's heart at a Deeper Still retreat. What he thought he would always keep secret is now in the light.

At age 18, Matthew's miracle son, Noah, became seriously ill. Matthew and his family were in crisis. This experience created a deep well of grief for Matthew, and he realized he was feeling the tremendous weight of two abortions from his past before he was married to his wife. These memories came flooding back as he had a spiritual encounter before the throne of God.

Matthew and his wife thought they would never have children, but God had a different plan. After the birth of their miracle baby, Noah, Matthew experienced great love for his son, and his life was enriched more than he could ever have expected. He wrote letters to his son several times a year, and when Noah graduated from high school, Matthew gave him the letters- letters full of love and encouragement. Then, Matthew and his wife found out that Noah's health was at great risk. Matthew's journey with God was going to take a deep detour.

Annette went through addiction recovery, but her abortion wounded heart, still had her bound. Then she went to her Deeper Still retreat and received a deeper healing and freedom from her abortion wounded heart. She now serves as a Deeper Still team member, comforting others with the same comfort that she has received from God.

Annette's childhood sexual abuse changed her and made her anxious, depressed, and she began to act out sexually. This culminated in an abortion at age 14, and an abortion which only made things worse and more acting out sexually. This led to two more abortions before she was 16. The abuse and abortions led to years of loss of trust, anger, substance abuse, and parenting struggles. It took decades for her to heal. 

Colette was involved with pro-life outreach for many years. As she researched how abortion impacted women, her heart changed from seeing abortion as primarily a political issue to seeing it as a heart issue. She realized all the damage that abortion can do to a woman's body and soul, and her heart was deeply grieved. After years of helping women through post-abortion bible studies, she felt led to help with Deeper Still retreats.

Marlene felt that God was punishing her for her abortion because of the difficulties in her life afterwards. She kept her abortion secret from almost everyone and carried shame and self-condemnation for many years until she started to commit her relationships to the Lord and later found healing through Deeper Still and the healing that continued after the retreat, and a special way that God showed her through His Word that she was redeemed and that she no longer needed to punish herself.

Marlene was a young, new Christian engaged to be married to a future pastor. Her marriage was not healthy, and she ended up leaving the marriage. She began to wander from God and ended up in a relationship, and discovered she was pregnant. She was told that she was probably miscarrying by her physician and had an abortion without confirmation of viability. The abortion led to feelings of worthlessness and secrecy.

After Kennie's abortion at age 18, she later got married and had a daughter, and then discovered she was pregnant with twin boys. She refused to consider abortion at the suggestion of her doctor when one of the twins experienced problems in utero. Although she had a fulfilling life, thoughts of her abortion plagued her. When a missionary told a story of child sacrifice in Africa, memories of her abortion came flooding back, and she knew she needed help. She went through a post-abortion healing study and then realized she needed deeper healing and went to a Deeper Still retreat. She now knows she is forgiven and is free of shame.

Kennie didn't feel safe after being sexually molested by a cousin. She didn't tell anyone. After her parents divorced when she was 13 years old, she was so emotionally shut down that she didn't even feel sad. She became very rebellious and her mother couldn't control her, so she lived with other relatives. She started partying later in high school, which led to clubbing after high school and a pregnancy. Though her boyfriend wanted to marry her, she felt her only way out was abortion. He found out about the abortion later, and she could see the hurt in his eyes. She also hemorrhaged after the abortion, but didn't feel safe going back to the clinic.

Randi had a very traumatic, broken life with three abortions when she attended a Christian Retreat, and she began to get some healing and freedom. She learned about Post-abortion Syndrome through volunteering at a Pregnancy Resource Center. She later went to a Deeper Still retreat and found deeper healing and even received physical healing. 

A history of sexual abuse, a legalistic church background, and then her parents' divorce when she was 11 started a lot of trouble in Randi's life. She rebelled as a teenager, though she came back to the Lord as an older teen. A friend persuaded her that abortion was no big deal after Randi's marriage broke up. This led to a slippery slope of bad decisions and a hard heart, substance abuse, unhealthy relationships, and more abortions.

Barb's anger continued years after her abortion. Her children moved out of her house early because she was a self-described "horrible person". She drove off her second husband, which broke her and caused her to cry out to God. Later, she found out about a post-abortion Bible study at a PRC, which brought healing. After that, she found deeper healing at her Deeper Still Retreat. 

Barb talks about her abortion at age 18 after she was newly married. She states, "Abortion broke my marriage". They regretted the abortion and tried to move on, but she developed alcoholism, and Barb became very angry. Their relationship became chaotic and violent, and eventually he left and died four years later. They never saw him again. Barb's life continued to be unstable. Even after years of therapy, she still struggled with a lot of anger and instability. She never told her therapist about her abortion.

Dr. Donna Harrison from the American Association of Pro-life Obstetricians and Gynecologists (AAPLOG) discusses the protection a full-term pregnancy (especially the first pregnancy) provides for the breast tissue. She explains the mechanism whereby abortion can leave the breast tissue in an abortion prone state and the importance of careful monitoring for early detection if you have had an abortion in your past.

Kristina was a single Mom of two when another pregnancy led her to feeling very overwhelmed and like abortion was the only way out. Abortion made her more depressed and even suicidal. She felt like the worst mother ever. When she started to grow spiritually, she found a Bible study for healing after abortion and then went to a Deeper Still retreat in Pennsylvania. A heavy weight was lifted, and her depression lifted. Her life was completely changed.