Here's the Tower

Episode 119 I’m the kind of rapper who likes to rapAnd I’m rapping to my rap songs when I rapAnd everybody knows that I like to rapAnd now you’re the one listening to me when I rap And I’m the kind of rapper who likes to rapAnd if you listen to me then it’s because I’m rappingAnd if you want to listen to the songs that I rapWell, just listen up cuz here’s how I rap Everybody likes the way that I rap andAnd I am very popular on account of my rapsI purchased many fancy items that I paid for by rappingAnd lots of pretty women like me due to my rapping Well, I’m the kind of rapper who likes to rapand I’m rapping to my rap songs when I rapAnd I use lots of slang words when I rapI say fart and mother scratcher when I rap It’s also really fresh and it slaps when I rap I’m the kind of rapper who likes to rapAnd if you’re rapping along to thisThen it’s because my rap songs are catchyJust stand up and rap cuz here’s how I rap Everybody likes the way that I rapAnd I am very popular on account of my rapsI purchased many fancy items that I paid for by rappingAnd lots of pretty women like me due to my rapping I’m the kind of rapper who likes to rap! Credits:Henri Williams, rapperScott Ritcher, music and lyricsNov. 17th Music BMI

Episode 118 KitKat is a pretty good candy bar. It’s certainly not as great as anything in the Reese’s Universe – and we’ll discuss that – but it also certainly isn’t as bad as your neighbor’s mom’s candy bars.  It doesn’t have shredded coconut in it. Thank the stars for that. They could do a lot worse. Yikes. Please note that no market research was performed during the creation of this episode. The views and opinions expressed here are purely based on taste and culture. They may not necessarily represent the views of your neighbor‘s mom. Happy Halloween and I hope you all enjoy – at the very least – some pretty good candy bars.

Episode 117  At the end of the long 2024 campaign, Donald Trump gives a late night speech to a crowd of his weary supporters. Scott Ritcher as Trump, with the help of voice-altering software.

Episode 116  As a very lucky adult, I have toured the US and Europe many times, singing and playing guitar for people. But in my younger years – when I was the handsome young man you see in this photo – the music I made was keyboard based.  When I was a senior in high school, I was in a synthesizer band called Pink Aftershock. We released a cassette tape of some of our originals songs on this date 35 years ago, November 17, 1986. That tape was the first release from a small indie label I operated called Slamdek which issued more than 40 releases by Louisville artists over the following decade.  I have always loved the way all the notes are just laid out in front of you on a piano or synthesizer. It makes more visual sense to me than the way they are stacked on a guitar. You can see all the notes at once and choose the colors you’d like to blend.  For today’s episode, I used some sounds and techniques that reminded me of the music I loved while growing up, and had a lot of fun combining them with some of the approaches I have been using in music since then. I hope you enjoy it.  Music: “Throwback Wednesday” by Scott Ritcher Nov. 17th Music BMI  Associate producer: Betsy McClimans 

Episode 115  After a long summer’s day on the countryside, two special friends lie in the grass at look at the stars. As their slow, sleepy conversation winds along, some important questions are discussed.  Special guest voice: Sararose Willey  Music used with permission: “This Is Where He Went” by David Celeste  Associate producer: Betsy McClimans 

Episode 114  In the middle of the supermarket, the protagonist of today’s 44-second audio drama comes to a painful realization.  As omniscient observers, we know he shouldn’t be so hard on himself. Despite what the product’s name might suggest, Bisquick can be used for much more than quickly making biscuits. Pancakes, quiches, and pizza crusts can also be found in its wheelhouse.  Music: “Ipanema Daydream” by Bird Creek  Associate producer: Betsy McClimans 

Episode 113  From the producers of the groundbreaking documentary “The Greatest Events of World War II in Colour” comes an all new documentary experience: “The Greatest Speeches of the 20th Century in Stereo.”  Experience the century’s greatest orators as you’ve never heard them before.  Music: “American Frontiers” by Aaron Kelly  Associate producer: Betsy McClimans 

Episode 112  The charming and affable Chattahoochee River Strangler stops by with a personal message for listeners of Here’s the Tower. He doesn’t care for the nickname the media has invented for him, nor is he a fan of the way he was portrayed as evil and mysterious on an earlier episode of this program. He’s so likable and easygoing, the least we can do is give Terry Wayne MacAnaulty a few minutes of our time to set the record straight.  Music: “Blue Creek Trail” by Dan Lebowitz  Associate producer: Betsy McClimans 

Episode 111  Today we’ll take a look back at some pivotal moments in American history as they unfolded on YouTube… and we’ll enjoy some of the lowest hanging fruit in the world of impersonations.  If you take anything away from this episode, I hope it is this catchphrase: What you want to do is just go ahead and jump out of the dirigible.  Associate producer: Betsy McClimans 

Episode 110  Here’s the Tower investigates a coordinated effort by food packagers to make the lids on jars increasingly tighter. This worldwide strategy has resulted in trapping delicious salsa forever inside unopenable jars, as well as a growing stockpile known as the Fort Knox of Pickles. That’s what it’s coming down to, folks. That’s what it’s coming down to. Associate producer: Betsy McClimans  Music used with permission: “Minimal Meaning” by Marten Moses  

Episode 109  The weather is getting warmer and if you’re like a lot of folks, you’re thinking about buying a new bike.  Thankfully, your bro Todd is here to answer all your questions on his Legitimate Bicycles Review Channel.  Associate producer: Betsy McClimans  Music used with permission: “Dainty Day” by View Points “Buckle Up and Break Free” by Harper Rey “Next to You” by Elijah N “Don’t I” by Swif7 “Beach Memories” by Sum Wave “Team Effort” by Earle Belo “Can You Catch Me” by LEL 

Episode 108  Just my luck, I found the real text after I already recorded my dramatic reading…  Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. But in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion — that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. Associate producer: Betsy McClimans Original text: Abraham Lincoln  Music used with permission: “An Ode to All Mothers” by Howard Harper-Barnes “I Will Return” and “A Life of Devotion” by David Celeste

Episode 107  I had a dream last night about how it was tropical and breezy on the island. Dammit! If I could only focus and put it into words. Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

Episode 106  It is a snowy winter night at the Tower’s mountaintop manor as Lord Chutney responds to a desperate rasp upon the door. A weary guest is brought in from the cold for a private audience with the Tower. But on the way down the twisting hallway and through the library, the visitor is advised to be careful. The Tower is a most curious fellow who exhibits all manner of eccentricity. Associate producer: Betsy McClimans Music: “Only With the Utmost Trepidation” by Scott Ritcher

Episode 105  Standup comedian Chekhov Foxworthy made his debut in episode 63 back in 2019. Now he is back with more bits from his classic routine. If your photos look like a Barbie doll and you have that fuzzy face filter… you might be a Russian spammer. If the background of your photos looks like the furniture in a funeral home… you might be a Russian spammer. If you tell me I might be the big money winner… you might be a Russian spammer. If it is after 1994 and you have a piercing in your tongue or eyebrow… you might be a Russian spammer. Guest voice: Евгений в Голове as Chekhov Foxworthy Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

Episode 104  It’s hard to believe, but it was 24 action-packed episodes ago that we started playing Fantasy Cabinet. As you may recall, for about six weeks leading up to the presidential election in 2020, Here’s the Tower listeners were invited to submit brackets containing the names of people they thought would be in the next president’s cabinet. Eight players competed for 31 weeks and, finally, today it’s time to award the winner with a well-deserved Here’s the Tower novelty coffee mug. That coveted mug and the other desirable items mentioned in this episode can be purchased in the K Composite Shop at kcomposite.com/shop. Associate producer: Betsy McClimans Photo: Betty Ford dances on the Cabinet Room table during her last full day as First Lady, January 19, 1977. (Gerald Ford Presidential Library, National Archives) Music used with permission:“News Theme 1 & 2” by Audionautix“Newsreel” by Max Surla/Media Right Productions“They Called Her Cinnamon” by Lionel Quick“Daily Coverage” by Marten Moss“We Just Gotta Get Together” by Wanda Shakes“In a French Bar In Stockholm” by Franz Gordon“Feriado” by Cornelio

Episode 103  Bertrand Benoit looks back on his long life as a Cajun grifter.  He spent years walking town to town along the swampy roads of Louisiana. He passed his days doing card tricks, hustling people out a few bucks, running afoul of the law, and breaking a few hearts across the bayou.  Now he feels at home just about anywhere.  Here’s the Tower presentsDEM CAWDSScott Ritcher as Bertrand BenoitMicah Touchet as the Sheriff of Terrebonne ParishJasmine Weatherby as Miss PaulinePat McClimans as Beauregard Fontenot Original music:“Bertrand’s Theme” by Pat McClimans Other music used with permission:“Jambalaya Stomp” by The Fly Guy Five“Infiltrator” by Christopher Moe Ditlevsen“Crawdad Stomp” by Josh Kirsch“Something of Value” by Kenzo Almond“Mississippi Ramble” by The Fly Guy Five Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

Episode 102 It’s time to warm up those rusty pipes again and sing along to your favorite television theme songs. If you can believe it, our first Theme Song Sing Along was just 70 short episodes ago. Don’t sweat it if you can’t perfectly hit all the notes like I can. I’m a semi-professional singer who has sold literally dozens of records. Just open those windows and sing like you’ve never been watching people get hurt. Or something like that. I can’t remember how it goes. Here’s what’s on the menu today: Entertainment TonightThe A-TeamSanford and SonThe Late Show with Stephen ColbertDays of Our LivesThe X-FilesHill Street Blues Music in this episode might be covered under the fair use clause. We’ll find out soon enough. Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

Episode 101 It all started innocent enough. We were just kids, knocking around, having fun. But then the money started rolling in. Alternate titles:We’re Too Far Into This To Back Out NowThe Phone Stays In the BoxKeep Those Breadsticks Coming Music in this episode: “Palermo” by Trabant. Used with permission. Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

Episode 100 Enjoy the warm, crackling sound of vintage vinyl, and know when to take a sweater. Guest voices:Mark Brickey from Adventures in Design as the record collectorWichita’s own Emmy-winning reporter Annette Lawless as meteorologist Jenn Webber Yes, that’s right. An actual Emmy winner participated in this. Happy 100th episode, everybody. Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

Episode 99 Previously on The Price Is Right: Sometimes I wish my favorite television shows had crossover episodes. Music in this episode:“Foliage” by Bladverk Band“Let This Be a Lesson” by Eludent“Destiny Rising” by Formant X“On the Franches Mountains” by Jura Orchestra Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

Episode 98 It’s December 1941. The scene is the main room of the Café Americain in Casablanca, Morocco. It’s late at night as Ilsa finds Rick drowning his sorrows at the bar. She walks in and pulls up a stool. Starring:Sararose Willey as IlsaHumphrey Bogart as Rick Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

Episode 97 Everybody knows the formula for making a hit record: sing about life hacks for household chores. I have a simple rule I like to live byIt comes in handy in lots of situationsAnd it’s called… Put it on the bottom After you wash the dishesAnd you’re putting them awayPut the clean ones on the bottom of the stackIf you put the clean ones on the topThe same dishes get used over and overIf you put the clean ones on the bottomYou’ll eventually use all the dishes equally Put it on the bottom Well, now, this can be a painIf you have a lot of dishes and really tall stacksBut I don’t, I’ve just got a fewI don’t, I’ve just got a fewIt also works really greatWith stackable glassesStackable glassesStackable glasses Put it on the bottom You can do this with anythingThat you use over and overAnd keep in a stackLike t-shirts or socks or underwearWhy wear the same clothes over and overWhen you can cycle them through like dishes?Cycle through them like dishesWhen you… Put it on the bottom Try the bottom with your breakfast cerealTurn the bag over and open it from the bottomTry it with your chips and other snacksSome settling may occur during shippingAll the little broken piecesGet redistributed through the bagAnd you won’t end up with so much dustWhen you get to the bottom of the bag Put it on the bottom You know what else works great from the bottom? BananasA lot of people open their bananas from the stemBut you know who doesn’t? MonkeysMonkeys eat more bananas than anyoneAnd they open their bananas from the bottomUnless it’s an old mushy bananaOpening it on the bottom is like magicIt just pops right open Put it on the bottom Well, now, I hope you learned a thing or twoAbout stacking your dishes or opening your snacksMaybe you’ll use some of these tipsWhen you’re putting away your clean underwear or socksTake it from a monkey about how to eat a bananaBecause they should knowOr maybe you’ll think of this time we sharedEvery time someone says stackable glasses Associate producer: Betsy McClimans “Put It On the Bottom” by Scott Ritcher, Nov 17th Music BMI

Episode 96 During the long winters in Sweden, cozy weekend parties in friends’ apartments are a big help in making cold darkness more bearable. I have missed those parties this year, since getting together like that hasn’t been possible* during the pandemic. Stockholm’s apartments are fairly compact and the refrigerators are also small, so there’s not a lot of space to keep beer and bubbles cold for your guests. Instead, it’s quite common for people to stack their beers outside on their apartment balcony. Out there it is usually very cold indeed. You’d think that keeping the beers on the balcony would deter partygoers from congregating in the kitchen, but it doesn’t. The kitchen is still a great place to hang out. In that same respect, this solitary COVID winter hasn’t deterred me from writing songs suitable for parties. So in anticipation of the winter parties that may return to Sweden next year – or when it is safe to gather again in small spaces – I am happy to present “Beers on the Balcony,” the first party song of 2022, or whenever. If this pandemic goes on much longer, I just might have an entire album of party songs finished before the next party. Get ready to sing along and raise your glass. Featuring:Sararose Willey as DebbieGuitar lead by Pat McClimans Beers on the balcony…If you want a beer (Yeah!)There’s beers on the balconyIf you want a cold one (Yeah!)There’s beers on the balconyIt’s really cold outside (Brrr!)We keep our beers on the balconyWhy is everyone standing in the kitchen?There’s beers on the balcony Beers on the balconySkål! Beers on the balconyProst!Beers on the balconyCheers!Beers on the balcony Associate producer: Betsy McClimans *Disclaimer: Parties have not been possible for people who are not morons. This song is intended for use at post-pandemic parties only, attended by vaccinated and certifiably healthy people. Please don’t let the excitement of the singalong put you or your friends at risk. “Beers on the Balcony” by Scott Ritcher, Nov 17th Music BMI

Episode 95 Small town radio host Lester Hopkins is happy to share his knowledge and advice on any topic his listeners might need help with.  If you have any questions for Lester or his listeners, just jot them down on a postcard and send them to Lester’s Mail Bag, Karin Larssons väg 16B, Lgh 1401, 128 63 Sköndal Sweden, and he’ll try to get to them on the air. That’s what the show is all about – answering your mail! Music in this episode:“Leaning on the Everlasting Arms” by Zachariah Hickman“Dixie Outlandish” by John Delay and the 41 Players Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

Episode 94 Join us for a very special dispatch direct from the Moscow Bureau. Our reporter sits down for an exclusive interview with the president of Russia.  Guest voice: Pat McClimans Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

Episode 93 Today we ponder the vastness of the universe and the many unanswered questions it holds. There could be life on any one of the planets in our solar system, or perhaps on similar planets around a distant star. Music: “Stark Goes Dark” by The Whole Other Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

Episode 92 Controversy surrounds Tom Selleck and Blue Bloods, according to Randy who is calling in to share some research he has been doing online. Apparently, the Tom Selleck who appears in Blue Bloods every Friday night on CBS is not the real Tom Selleck.
 Although Randy’s wife agrees, our host Gary seems a bit skeptical about the existence of a plot to replace Tom Selleck with a replica. While Gary attempts to poke holes in the story with some counter points, he ultimately suggests a possible culprit. Associate producer: Betsy McClimans (Programming note: This episode was recorded in October 2020 and scheduled to appear today, January 13, 2021. The idea of a bunch of big dummies believing absurd online conspiracy theories seemed funnier a few months ago than it does today, in light of what happened at the Capitol. Nonetheless, I stand by my brave decision to make fun of these damn fools who seem to believe pretty much anything.)

  Episode 91 Things are beeping everywhere. I mean, seriously, what is that beeping sound and where is it coming from? We’re counting down the greatest, hottest beeps in the nation. Associate producer: Betsy McClimans Music in this episode:“Move It Or Lose It” by Silent Partner“Take Your Time” by Dan Lebowitz“Love Now” by Eveningland“The Rap” by Crazy Calls“No Parking On the Dance Floor” by Midnight Star“Betya” by Lauren Duski  

  Episode 90 At Davidson’s Sausages, we put our heart and soul into what we do. Though you may have heard about a few unfortunate accidents on our assembly line, in which some of our employees gave their all… they put their entire bodies in. But every cloud has a silver lining and that’s how we discovered our proprietary blend that tastes like no other sausage you’ve ever tried. Don’t worry, there aren’t actual humans in our sausages – far from it – just the meat from clones of our old employees. Perfectly safe and perfectly seasoned. We think you’ll agree, at Davison’s Sausages, our employees are the wurst. I have made plenty of fake commercials on Here’s the Tower. Many of them have undoubtedly been inspired by years of growing up watching Saturday Night Live. For this end-of-year episode, I felt it was only appropriate to go all-in on an SNL tribute. The effect wouldn’t be the same without the song at the end. This is “Chances” by Silent Partner, a tribute in its own right to “Waltz in A” by Howard Shore, better known as the closing theme to Saturday Night Live. Thanks for listening this year and making this crazy year a little more bearable for me. Plenty more Tower is coming your way in 2021. Happy new year. Associate producer: Betsy McClimans Music in this episode:“Hickory Hollow” by Dan Lebowitz“Chances” by Silent Partner

  Episode 89 The excitement is palpable tonight at the Dirty Ol’ Opry as luminaries from the world of dirty country music are on hand for the 44th Annual Academy of Dirty Country Music Awards. A hush falls over the crowd as dirty country legends Farty Stuart and Travis Fucking Tritt take the stage to announce the nominees for the night’s biggest prize. Who will take home this year’s award for Dirty Entertainer of the Year? Will it be Shameless George Strait, Handsy Travis, The Dirty Statler Brothers, Loretta Foreskin, or Hank Williams, Jr? Tune in to find out! Guest voices:Pat McClimans as The Dirty Statler BrothersRachel Matchett as Loretta Foreskin Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

  Episode 88 Long-time listener Randy is on the line. He’s fired up and having a hard time keeping it clean while discussing the price and quality of Adobe’s software applications. Co-written with Pat McClimans Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

  Episode 87 In March of 2020, I began using a sleep monitor app to track and analyze my sleep patterns. Each morning when I wake up, I can see data about my previous night’s sleep and how it was affected by any number of factors including what time I got into bed, how many steps I walked the previous day, the weather, the lunar phases, and more. I can see trends and insights over time as well, like that I sleep better when I have cleaner sheets, when my sleep schedule is consistent, and when I don’t read the news before laying my head down. The app makes short recordings when it detects sound or movement, so I can hear what it sounds like if I have been tossing and turning or snoring, which is typically 5 to 20 minutes per night. All that stuff is pretty crazy and it has given me a view of myself that I have never seen before. But what’s most insane for me to hear are the rare instances when I talk in my sleep. I have saved some of the best moments and I have compiled them here for you. I’ll warn you, I have no idea what I’m talking about in these clips. There’s something about “true favorites” or how “it’s the wrong instructions or how “the news is still the same” or how you should “take your gloves, now.” The point is that I am very dedicated to making great episodes of this show – I never stop – and the following episode was recorded entirely while I was asleep. Associate producer: Betsy McClimans Music in this episode:“Tonight Is Nothing That I Can’t Handle Tonight” by Scott Ritcher

  Episode 86 Today’s episode will transport you to a busy airport where you can sit back and imagine yourself suffering the punishment of air travel way back in precedented times. Guest voice: Tanya O’Sullivan as the ticket agent Associate producer: Betsy McClimans Music in this episode:“Argentina Tango Bandonian” by Doug Maxwell“Accordion” by Andrew Huang“Summer Symphony Ball” by Sir Cubworth

  Episode 85 For today’s episode, I’d like to invite you to connect your best headphones or speakers and turn them up. I have explored a few different musical experiments with you on Here’s the Tower. Whether it has been a piano piece that requires three hands to play, an unusual set of beats that somehow fit together nicely, an acoustic guitar adaptation of my favorite Rihanna song, or a singalong chorus that relentlessly doesn’t stop modulating up to higher keys, I have tried a few new things musically and I’ve asked you to come along… everybody. Today’s episode is a dive into musical notes and how they make me feel. I explored how the different notes I chose can weave in and out of each other to create different combinations, and how can different instruments and melodies can twist together and spread apart. I have always been a big fan of dissonance and the unease it can create or convey. I especially appreciate how liberating it can feel when that dissonance subsides into harmony or resolves into opening itself up. This musical experiment is nearly 10 minutes long. With more than 20 instrument tracks, it has more tracks than any episode I have done before. I began writing today’s music on my iPad in mid-October, outside on a balcony, when the weather occasionally allowed things like that to be done comfortably. This was just days after I returned to Sweden, after spending all of the rather unique year of 2020 – up to that point – in Louisville. I didn’t have the joy of working with actual cellists, violinists, drummers, et cetera, on this – like I did back in 2016 on my record Simple Orbits – so to complete this piece I moved the original phrases out of the iPad and then on to two Macs with input devices that were more capable of enabling me to do what I wanted to do. A lot of listening to revisions and note taking for this episode happened during walks to and from three different lakes near my apartment in Stockholm’s south suburbs. The accompanying photo above shows the crystal clear water and forest-lined shores of Flaten, one of these nearby lakes. The sounds I put together here capture the way I have been feeling since returning and being essentially isolated from society, as we all have been. I was not crazy about my south Stockholm apartment when I took off last year for America. I really didn’t expect that I would come back and live in it again. I expected to perhaps return to clean out my belongings, transport them to Louisville, build the next phase of my life around my bourbon business, and let the apartment go. But 2020 threw all manner of unexpectedness at all of us. I find myself now somewhat content in this apartment. It is quiet, close to nature, and fairly well suited for everything from recording to keeping one’s self away from other people and their aerosol transmissions of a certain virus. I have been lucky (and annoyingly diligent) enough to stay healthy and fed through it all so far, as has my family, and I hope you have had the same good fortune. Being isolated from physical contact with the world doesn’t have to be all bad. The isolation has given me time to invest in things like this. Who am I if there is no one around? What will I create if I have only blank pages and sounds to work with? Which notes will I choose and where will I put them? I can’t imagine that I would have been able to build a piece of music like this during the hustle of what we now fondly recall as normal life. So for that, I am thankful and I hope you enjoy it. Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

Episode 84 Your hands are everything and you need dexterity to live your best life, but arthritis pain can get in the way. Whether you’re a concert pianist or a senior who lives alone – or an exciting new character we’re welcoming to Tower Nation this week – Moticillin gives you back the flexibility you had years ago. Guest voices:Narrator: Dawn McLelland Concert pianist: Kim Wood Senior citizen: R. E. Harter Music: “Hopeful Freedom” by Asher Fulero Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

Episode 83 Coming up in the next hour, Gary’s guest is Dr. Ron Dean Silent who will answer your tough questions about how to prepare your pets for when you eventually leave the house again. But first, Randy is calling in with some straight talk about the coronavirus. Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

Episode 82 One of my favorite bookmarked websites is a very uncomplicated page called howmanypeopleareinspacerightnow.com. This site simply displays a number, usually between 3 and 6, that tells you how many people are in space at the moment and it provides links to the Wikipedia pages of those people. As I record this, right now there are three people in space. Since NASA’s Space Shuttle program ended in 2012, most of the people in space at any given moment have been living and working at the International Space Station. This research outpost hangs 250 miles above the surface of the Earth (that’s 400 km) and orbits the planet once every 93 minutes. That gives its occupants more than 15 sunrises and sunsets every day. Assembly of the Station began in space in 1998 and the first resident crew arrived in late 2000. Because the International Space Station has been continuously occupied for the two decades since then, that date twenty years ago – November 2, 2000 – is generally considered to be the last time that all living humans were on Earth. If you’d like to get technical about it, that first resident crew left Earth on October 31st, 2000, two days before they arrived at the Station. They were already in space on October 31st – so technically not “on Earth” – but most people who care about things like these start counting from their arrival on November 2nd.  Regardless of which particular day you’d like to mark as the beginning, sometime around this week is the twentieth anniversary of the last time that all the living humans were on Earth. In those past 20 years, 241 people from 19 countries have visited the Station. 129 of them have been more than once, including 44 who have been three or more times, and two people who have stayed there five times each.  There’s so much crazy shit going on in the world that it’s easy to forget that people are capable of incredible things together. It’s easy to take it for granted, but some of those bad ass motherfuckers pass over our heads 15 times a day.  Here’s a toast to this milestone anniversary: Twenty Years Since Everybody Was On Earth.  For more information about the International Space Station and life on Earth, visit your local library. Associate producer: Betsy McClimans Music: “Walking” by Scott Ritcher

Episode 81 Today we’re talking with some wide-eyed children from the 1950s who have a lot of questions about life in the future. They want to know if there will be flying cars and home computers in the year 2000. Let’s find out. Guest voices: I would love to credit the kids who appear in this episode because their performances are fantastic, but for their protection, they should remain anonymous. In case there is any doubt, I should make it clear that they are voice actors who performed remotely, were recorded by their parents and worked from scripts that contained only their own lines. I went to great lengths to protect them from this hilarious nonsense. Music: “Gaiety in the Golden Age” by Aaron Kenny Associate producer: Betsy McClimans Source photo: Bell Telephone’s Picturephone on display at the 1964 World’s Fair

Episode 80 (Looking for the scoreboard? It’s right here.) This is a special audience-participation episode of Here’s the Tower. It’s a game that you and all listeners can play and it’s called Fantasy Cabinet. If you’ve ever filled in a March Madness basketball bracket or bet on a horse race, you kind of know how to play the game already. What would you say if I told you we are about to combine all the thrills of college basketball with the exciting world of executive branch politics? This is Fantasy Cabinet I’m inviting you and all my listeners to compete in this game to guess who will be in the Cabinet of the United States next year. You may have heard something about this – there’s a Presidential election coming up in the United States on November 3, 2020. When such an election happens, it almost always means that the Cabinet members will change shortly thereafter. The Cabinet consist of the Vice President, the Secretary of State, and 14 other people who are the heads of the federal executive departments. These are agencies such as the Department of Defense, Department of Education, and so on. A new President typically picks new people to head all of these departments. When a President is re-elected, current Cabinet members often use the occasion to move on to other work, or the President uses the opportunity to bring in fresh faces. So in this case, you’re competing to try and guess either who Joe Biden will nominate to Cabinet positions, or who will be in the Cabinet in Donald Trump’s second term. Here’s how it works The game is simple. Starting September 23, 2020, you can go to kcomposite.com/cabinet to fill in your bracket. If you think Biden will win the election, you can fill in your bracket with the people you think he will nominate to be in his Cabinet.  If you think Trump will win the election – or refuse to leave office, or seize power like Stalin, or somehow otherwise remain in office – you can fill in your bracket with the people you think he will keep or nominate to his second-term Cabinet.  Or you can play it both ways, choose a Biden pick for Secretary of Commerce and a Trump pick for Secretary of Energy, something like that. You’re basically just trying to get most of them correct, so you can play any strategy you like. You can even play the strategy that someone else will become president. Here’s how the scoring works Cabinet members are nominated by the President and then either confirmed or rejected by the Senate.  If the Senate confirms their nomination, they are sworn into office and they start working (or in Trump’s case, they begin enriching themselves, or they start collecting damaging information so they can make money writing books about it instead of standing up to the corruption).  For each person you correctly pick, you’ll get one point when they are nominated by the President.  You’ll get an additional 2 points if that person is confirmed by the Senate. And you’ll get 4 more points when they are sworn into office. So for each person you pick, you have the possibility of earning 7 points.  As a bonus, you’ll also get one point for each person you pick who is nominated for a different office in the Cabinet. (For example, if you pick Frank Davidson as Secretary of Labor, but he is actually nominated as Secretary of Commerce, you’ll get one point for that, but not for any of the subsequent milestones.) Final score after the President’s first 100 days Fantasy Cabinet is a long, long game that will last into spring 2021. You need to submit your bracket before the election, but the final results won’t be tabulated until the end of the President’s first 100 days in office. We expect that to be April 29, 2021, but anything can happen lately, so if Inauguration Day does not occur on January 20, 2021, the first 100 days will end later. And because anything can happen this year, as another bonus, the position of Vice President is worth double points. That is, we presume Mike Pence or Kamala Harris will be the Vice President next year, so most players will pick them for their brackets. However, if you think someone else will be Vice President 100 days after inauguration – because of some scandal or illness or whatever – if you think someone else will be Vice President 100 days after inauguration and you’re correct, you will collect those extra points that maybe no one else will. However, if you are wrong and everyone else played it safe, you’ll miss out on those points. It’s incredibly unlikely that someone will correctly guess all 16 Cabinet positions, so the winner will be the player with the highest score. Are you ready to play Fantasy Cabinet? Fill in your bracket at kcomposite.com/cabinet before Election Day. That means all entries must be received by 11:59 PM Eastern Time, Monday, November 2, 2020. What can you win?  Not only will you have street cred in Tower Nation, but I will announce your name and the results on the show. The top point earner will also receive a very special Here’s the Tower coffee mug. Holy shit. After Election Day, as the Cabinet nomination process moves forward (hopefully), I’ll update the scoreboard at the same address where you fill in your bracket so you can see how you’re doing. Fill in your bracket today at kcomposite.com/cabinet and share this episode with your political junkie friends and family and get them to play. Point values Cumulative points1 point: Nominated by the President2 points: Confirmed by the Senate4 points: Sworn into office7 points total possible per office Bonus pointsDouble cumulative points: Correct pick for Vice President1 bonus point: Your pick nominated for a different office Associate producer: Betsy McClimans Photo: Betty Ford dances on the Cabinet Room table during her last full day as First Lady, January 19, 1977. (Gerald Ford Presidential Library, National Archives) Music in this episode:“News Theme 2” by Audionautix“Newsreel” by Max Surla/Media Right Productions“Go Go Gadget Rockstar” by The Whole Other“Castlevania” by Density & Time“Grut” by Patrick PatrikiosJam version of “Theme from Snuggling With the Enemy” by Scott Ritcher and Magic GarageBand

Episode 79 Far out, man! It’s the finale of Here’s the Tower’s third season. Let’s celebrate this beautiful life we’re living. Our wonderful world just grows more glorious with each day we share together. But please be advised: The management accepts no responsibility if your head explodes while attempting to process this celebratory song’s ever-escalating exuberance.  Today’s anthem was inspired in no small part by the Barry Manilow hit “I Can’t Smile Without You.” If you’re familiar with that song, perhaps you’ve noticed that it has a silly number of key changes. It keeps going up, higher and higher, and it just won’t stop getting brighter and wider. Not only that, but Manilow seems to have put all those key changes in there for his own personal amusement, or at least that’s how it appears in the video linked above. Can this type of key-change abuse be pushed even further? Starting with that song as a base, I dumped it in a blender with additional inspiration from songs like “Sowing the Seeds of Love” by Tears for Fears and “All Around the World” by Oasis, and added dashes of Polyphonic Spree, Youngbloods, ELO, and the Beatles. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of any of those turkeys, but my song is way better than anything any of them ever pooped out and dared to call music. With no fewer than ten key changes in 2 1/2 minutes, “Come Along Everybody” is a fitting conclusion to the season that was, and it leaves Barry’s handful of comical modulations in the dust. Stay tuned! A whole slew of great new episodes are in the works. The fourth season of Here’s the Tower is coming your way in October 2020. Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

Episode 78 Gather ’round the smart speaker for an old timey radio play. Frank has just purchased a new digital smart home system that has the voice of country music legend Merle Haggard. Merle can set the thermostat, start the coffee maker, update Frank’s calendar, and assist with other tasks around the house. But soon after the device is plugged in, Merle begins complicating Frank’s life. Here’s the Tower presents“Smart Home Merle Haggard”a radio play in three short acts Starring Ed Nash as Frank Davidson and Scott Ritcher as Merle Special appearances by Mark Brickey as the delivery driver and Chris Reinstatler as the Hört Original music score written and performed by Pat McClimans Written and directed by Scott Ritcher Based on characters by Chris Reinstatler, Pat McClimans and Scott Ritcher Associate producer: Betsy McClimans Hidden references and Easter eggs in this episode: In the opening scene, Frank’s radio is playing “And the Hits Just Keep on Coming” from Here’s the Tower episode 5, June 20, 2018 The voice of the delivery driver is Mark Brickey from Adventures in Design Frank Davidson is played by Ed Nash, who you may know as the narrator from NBC’s Vets Saving Pets Some of the cardboard sounds you hear when Frank is opening the box are the packaging of an Apple HomePod When Merle wakes up, the interface sound is a low bitrate version of a guitar riff from Merle Haggard’s “Mama Tried” When Merle confirms a task, appointment or order, the device’s response tone is a low bitrate guitar strum from the beginning of Merle Haggard’s “I Think I’ll Just Stay Here and Drink” After Frank asks Merle to put on his favorite playlist, the song that plays is an instrumental version of “Heads Up, Phones Down” from Here’s the Tower episode 43, March 13, 2019 The voice of Frank’s friend who yells “Later, man” is Metroschifter drummer Chris Reinstatler When Frank turns on the TV to watch the news, the show is “The New Walkman” from Here’s the Tower episode 74, July 8, 2020

  Episode 77 Here’s the Tower’s team of investigative journalists continues digging into an unsolved case from four decades ago. Residents in the quiet town of Haniston, Kentucky, were left reeling after three masked criminals pulled off a daring robbery at Pleasant Valley Savings Bank. Suspicions and theories still surround the case 40 years later. In this episode, our team runs into a little frustration while collecting firsthand accounts from people who were on the scene, including Haniston’s former chief of police Larry Parsomn and DJ Spellchecker. Associate producer: Betsy McClimans You can hear The Heist, Part One as Episode 49 of Here’s the Tower, released April 24, 2019.

  Episode 76 What in the world is Tower doing in Debbie’s apartment? Seems like they’re both up to their wacky antics again!  Guest voice:Sararose Willey as Debbie Catchphrases in this episode: “That was my nickname in high school.” “You don’t like having fun or…” “All this!” “I would love to laugh, but your humor is so juvenile.”“Don’t bother” courtesy of a tour guide in Amsterdam years ago who meant to say “It’s not a bother.” “Joking off” courtesy of Stan Doll and Sam Sneed  Music in this episode: “Theme from That’s So Tower” by Scott Ritcher “Timed Out” by Jingle Punks “Hear the Noise” by John Deley and the 41 Players

  Episode 75 If you’ve mastered the previous lesson, it’s time to move on to the next level. Today we’ll be learning more useful Swedish phrases to help you prepare for your trip. Are your bags packed? — Är du helt jävla puckad? That’s delightful! — Kors i taket! You have been very helpful — Du har inte alla hästar hemma. You are doing a really great job — Vem fan tappade dig när du var en bebis. Let’s sit down – Sätta på mig pucko. Would you like something to drink – Sug på den här fuljävel. We are going to be good friends – Jag kommer inte på din begravning. Special guest voice: Smutsorm Sommartjej

  Episode 74 We’ve been hearing rumors for weeks and now it’s finally here.  Sony announced their new Walkman models with a lot of new features and a sleek design for playing your tapes on the go. But it’s the absence of a headphone jack that may cause the biggest commotion. Most people expected Sony to introduce wireless headphones, but industry experts say Bluetooth won’t be invented for another 16 years, and even then, it won’t work. Guest voices by Mark Brickey of Adventures in Design and Carla Jacob.

  Episode 73 Today’s scene is a concert hall. We are with two friends who are anticipating what the orchestra might have prepared for them. Guest voices: Pat McClimans and Jasmine Weatherby.

  Episode 72 About the size of a US half dollar – and painstakingly minted in solid, brilliant, uncirculated Cooper nickel – the Coin Commemorative Coin is a beautiful souvenir reminder of when people used coins.  Guest voices by Mark Brickey of Adventures in Design, Carla Jacob, and Armond Pastore.

  Episode 71 My longtime friend Curtis Mead tells us a cautionary tale about answering the door at a famous person’s house. He joins the program from Los Angeles for this special 9 1/2-minute episode. Music in this episode: “Vanadislunden” by Scott Ritcher “Yellow Rose of Berkeley” by Rondo Brothers “Trapped” by Quincas Moreira “Darling Ranch” by Jingle Punks “Dude” by Patrick Patrikios “Destination Unknown” by Ugonna Onyekwe “Impending Doom” by Doug Maxwell “Haunt” by Silent Partner “Great Hope” by Vibe Mountain 

  Episode 70 Just when you thought the president couldn’t get any more petty in his personal attacks, now he has his own straightedge podcast and he’s calling out the posers. So-called “hardcore” bands like Chain of Strength and Four Walls Falling? “Not that classy.”  Donny Edge lays it on the line, talking some serious smack about the “fake youth crew.” He is disgusted by all these Victory bands with barcodes on their CDs.  No one is safe, including Snapcase, No For An Answer, A Chorus of Disapproval, Earth Crisis, or Mean Season. Well, he does give a shout out to Face Value. “Tremendous guys.”  Special guest voice by Dan Jovanovic as Donny Edge. Photo by Matt A.J.