Life and Love in La Ville

Gavin didn’t want to come. He was the one who had bought the tickets, so it surprised me.This was very early on and I hadn’t quite absorbed yet the extent of his people-aversion. You would have thought my kink Master would be into an entire kinky weekend, but (are you beginning to see the pattern?) he preferred to stay at home and watch television.So I went by myself, in pig tails and a skirt; latex has never been my jam. It was fun to be out in public, in the metro, surrounded by my people.I probably wore my collar, although to be honest I can’t remember anymore. I must have, though.I think there may be a picture of me somewhere, perched on the escalators of the metro St. Laurent.I was full-on Baby Girl and I didn’t even know it yet. It would be two more years before I met Mommy and she taught me what a “little” was.After that, she would teach me what “consent” was. What “boundaries” were. What “being treated properly” meant and what “getting the hell out” could do.

August 17th 2024I’m pretty sure I know where my digestion problems are coming from. And, come to think of it, my respiratory issues. Who knows, maybe even the inflammatory response to that wasp bite would be…Image credit: Yours truly

August 6th, 2024:I texted Mommy this morning. I was in bed, waiting for my phone to tell me what was going to happen with the day. Yves had already said good morning. I hadn’t yet said anything back. What happened…

June 21st, 2024: ...But I kept my cool! And my calm, and my collection! And I even avoided weed for two of those days, which may not seem like such an accomplishment, but believe me, it is. I have a bruise in my inner…

I walked to Mizan, though, and I replenished my supply of basmati rice (a year and a half, the last bag lasted me!) This felt like an accomplishment, especially when I managed to acquire wine on the…

Of course it does.This was never a Jasmine-scented stink bomb, and it was never Gale’s true fight to begin with. How naive could I be? Well, I’m still learning the depths to which people will stoop. I am still constantly surprised, every goddamn time.No, this was not a stink bomb. This was a Jasmine-scented DICK bomb.

“Have you spoken with your sister?” my mom said, only she sounded less curious and more accusatory.“You sound accusatory!” I said, proud of how even-keeled I was presenting.My mom sighed. “You’re going to have to talk to her eventually, you know.”“Mama,” I said, and now I could feel the blood rising, “Please don’t blame me for the fact that Mindy and I are on the outs. She is a narcissist who abuses her children and leaves me feeling depleted and sad every time I speak to her. She has ninety thousand problems she won’t solve, most of them of her own causing, she will drain you asking for advice she then won’t take, and when was the last time she was there for you? Not in a long, long time,” I spat out bitterly.

Hello to my dear sister,Thank you for this note! I am back now from my sunshiny travels, as you called them, which did mostly treat me well, except for one particular narcissist who managed to be quite terrible. Oh well. We live and learn, and the good news is that when vacation is hard, regular life feels almost manageable!

On my wall is a quote that I have kept with me for…oh I’m not sure how long, but maybe over two decades.It reads:Woe to him who teaches men faster than they can learn.Google credits that to Will Durant.Woe to me, man. Fucking woe. To. Me.

January 16th, 2024:Her voice was almost gone by now. These assholes, so insecure, so dumb, they dont even see the disaster they leave in their wake. All of us here shaken, activated, triggered.Good thing we are artists.We will make MOTHER FUCKING ART.

Holy shit, that’s it. I’ve checked my email for the last time, the last-last time, and the last last-last time. And a few more after that.My assistant is going to handle everything else while I’m gone. Thank god for her, seriously. I’ve left her a million notes, and I know she will read them carefully and only reach out if she absolutely has to.I told her not to let our developer boss her around. Somehow, I’m paying her money in order for her to rudely…Never mind. I’m on vacation.I’m on vacation, I’m on vacation, I’M ON VACATION!!!!When I’m back, I can fire the developer. But right now, I’m. On. Vacation.Image credit: Robert Zunikoff on Unsplash

“I’m so tired of it,” I wailed on the phone to Mommy. “I don’t WANT to be in charge anymore! I want a 9–5 job where somebody ELSE tells me what to do!”Mommy laughed and said, “I kind of doubt you really want that, kitten.”“I DO!” I argued emphatically. “I want a 9–5 job where somebody else tells me what to do. THAT way, instead of getting annoyed at having to be in charge, I can be mad at them for how much they SUCK at being in charge!”Image credit: Yours truly

Saturday, November 10th, 2023:Today I visited the Customs building in downtown Montreal. An enormous entryway occupied the first wall. Glass-paned counters ringed the other three walls, forming a semi-circle with a wide open space in the middle. The ceiling arched up high above. The room seemed to remember a grander time.Image credit: Yours truly 

Dear one,I have about 5 of those chocolate eggs you loved, still left over in my fridge from post-Easter chocolate sales. I feel guilty every time I eat one…I’m dragging it out as long as possible just in case I can get one to you before they all run out.Image credit: Yours truly

Hello to my beautiful, crazy intelligent, super wonderful eldest niece,I MISS YOU! How the heck are you? I miss you more than the stars and the moon. My happiness palace pines for your presence. When are you going to come back and visit me?????Image credit: Yours truly

November 9th, 2023: I would like to start by saying that my heart goes out to you for how you felt that whole weekend. It was never my intention to hurt you and it pains me that you were hurt. I am also sorry that the…Image credit: Yours truly

“Papa…what is your goal weight, exactly?” I asked on speakerphone.“My goal…is to reduce down to a singularity and disappear,” he said. This did not reassure me. He continued, “I can understand why some people become anorexic.” He already is anorexic.“Papa, you need to pick a lower limit. And also read a book on nutrition,” I added bravely. He seemed to be a in a good enough mood not to say something snide about my unsolicited advice.“I’m shooting to win Mr. Universe in the Almost Dead category!” he informed me, and we all laughed.Image credit: Yours truly

Mommy looks a tiny bit like a ghost.I don’t think the Oracle Tree was very nice to her. Not one bit!!!I told her and Matt that we’re going to follow Baby Girl Rules and that will mean NO LEAVING and NEVER EVER GOING again.I also told them they were very rude for going to all the hospitimals.Image credit: Yours truly

The first time, it went to voicemail. But I persisted and Joseph picked up the second time. “Joseph speaking,” he said all professionally, as if he didn’t know who was calling, which, he didn’t. “Gah gah,” I said.My brother did not sound resoundingly thrilled to have heard from me!Photo credit: Yours truly

Thursday, September 14th, 2023:...All that said, I would absolutely love to be there for you and your feelings. BUT NOT if it feels the way that last weekend felt like for me: like a passive aggressive blame game. It sucked and it made an already difficult week much harder. Image credit: Yours truly

August 23rd, 2023:I feel sorry for the hijabi girls in the heat waves. Although their faces never betray them, so, maybe they’re somehow immune? Doubtful. It’s fucking hot even when you’re dressed slutty like me.Image credit: Yours truly

July 16th, 2023:“Why? You don’t like babies?!” asked Willow, sensing resistance to The Narrative that has been washed into her brain.“I love babies,” I said slowly, weighing my words with far too much care. “But I also know that usually there’s more than one way a person can feel about a situation. Babies are wonderful but they are not easy, and it would make sense to feel mixed emotions about a new one on the way.”Image Credit: Yours Truly

 July 1st, 2023:I figured I’d give a local store some of my business instead of always going to the dollar store. I felt very virtuous…until I reached the counter, where there was a tip jar. Which I ignored, except on the credit card machine…it also asked if you wanted to tip. Who tips people at boutiques?! Is this a new thing???Image Credit: Yours Truly

Sunday, June 25th, 2023:It was freakily apocalyptically hazily reddishly smogged today in Montreal. An alien spaceship could have descended at Place des Arts and it would have blended right in.The winds must have shifted.Image by Peter Hoogmoed on Unsplash

June 24th, 2023:The problem is, I realized later, I didn’t tell him that. I didn’t say “Please hold me, because I’m hurting.”Instead, I tried to argue unemotional facts.But we don’t have all the facts, and he’s friends with these people too.Image Credit: Yours Truly

I’m literally scared to be at a festival where a known, multiple-time offender of inappropriate touch is wandering around invisible in the crowd. It triggers me to the core. It’s already hard to meet strangers and ask them to be safe with your body in crazy-ass moments and protect whatever triggers you may have, but this has made it much, much harder. I have felt, to put it somewhat dramatically, alone in a sea of smiling faces. Image Credit: Yours Truly

June 18th, 2023:“Why didn’t you just say something?” asked Patrick. I almost retorted, wow, that’s very victim blamey.Instead I said, “Have you ever been harrassed and gaslighted by a narcissistic boundary-breaker?”He shook his head and gave an honest “no.”Image Credit: Yours Truly

As Mommy’s Baby Girl in chastity for healing and sexual liberation, I’d like to dial our physical relationship down to the beginning, so that I can approach my body and my sexuality from a fresh slate. My hope is that in the long run, it will allow you and I to have a path toward pleasure that is without pressure for either of us. So that we can simply learn each other, and enjoy, however that feels right.Imaged Credit: Yours Truly

One of the biggest problems with issues of interpersonal violence is that nobody wants to be branded “the bad one,” as though the only person who can break consent is a villain in a Hollywood movie. The truth is much more nuanced than that; we are a product of our experiences. Consent is complex, and varies from person to person and moment to moment. Sometimes even with the best intentions, we cause pain to other people.Image Credit: Yours Truly

So. Roo and I have been talking, and he says I shouldn’t be giving you unsolicited advice. I said, “Yes, but aren’t you worried about Papa not being able to get out of his chair one of these days?”…Image Credit: Yours Truly

June 5th, 2023: I just got my hair cut. Only the tips are a reddish-orange still, the lingering remains of my purple hairdo for Greece two summers ago. I’m recovering from my weekend. Too many things all at once…Image Credit: Yours truly

May 15th, 2023: In which I argue with the weather channel, care for my garden, and consider how to fix my flawed explanation of BDSM so my mother will love Dee again.Image Credit: Yours Truly

Monday, April 24th, 2023:I gave my mom the link to my Medium stories. This link specifically. I figured it was a pretty safe place to start. Before I did it, I told her that I call Dee “Mommy.” Image credit: Yours truly

May 13th, 2004:Isaac [11 years old at the time. Now a molecular engineer] has become very concerned with making “good time." He got really upset when we stopped to eat for only some of the group while others weren't hungry. This would necessitate another stop, which would be, he informed us, "extremely inefficient."Photo by Jake Nackos on Unsplash

April 2nd, 2023:In which I pine over the cute boy (i.e. The Man Orbit), deal with my dysfunctional family and try to enjoy my birthday monthPhoto by Emma Dau on Unsplash

April 3rd, 2023:At first, he was all the way at the other end of the table, which was fine with me because I had forgotten how to talk. Also, Imadake is fricking loud. Like, unnecessarily loud, so loud you have to…Photo by Pierre Bamin on Unsplash

Friday, March 31st 2023:If that show really wants to know whether or not Love is Blind, why do they get all dolled up for the big reveal?? Seriously. They get to know each other behind a wall, propose marriage sight unseen…It’s got nothing to do with lack of physical attraction and everything to do with Can we survive a massive dating clusterfuck. And then they all live together, guided by some kind of Catfight Maximization Algorithm. The show should be called, “Can Love Survive Non-Monogamous Monogamy?”Image by Bundo Kim on Unsplash

August 28th, 2021Dear Family,I'm a great lover of dialectical discourse and free speech, but in an effort...In which I try to prepare for a family reunion by offering some creative non-violent communication.Photo by Art Rachen on Unsplash

Saturday, March 11th, 2023:All winter, the mountain of snow has been accumulating as the plows pile all the extra snow into a gigantic mound reaching high into the air, clearing the streets and the sidewalks. But the snow is…Image credit: Yours truly

Saturday, February 25th, 2023:I need boundaries with my massage therapist. In other news, Mistress Me bought me mango popsicles. Also, maybe one day I'll be able to be kinky again. Image credit: Adam Bartoszewicz on Unsplash

January 22nd, 2023:"I want to see you manage your feelings in a way that they do not pose a threat to the people around you. Please stop the abuse. Please stop hurting my friend."(In which I write a very long letter to Richard, and in the process, lose my Montreal home.)Image credit: monkeyoutside on Unsplash

Tuesday, February 21st, 2023:My stomach just yowled at me so I’m feeding it this yummy banana bread I found. It tastes faintly of burnt walnuts. Willow called me today while I was doing yoga. I had ignored my body…(In which I try not to go crazy while Willow tells me fake news stories and my sister is...my sister. I teach Willow how to channel her rage.)Image credit:  Jeff Siepman on Unsplash

February 19th, 2023:In which Gale and I discuss Richard's admission of emotional manipulation. I try to convince her that his feelings are not her responsibility. I'm not very successful.Image credit: Zohre Nemati on Unsplash

February 11th, 2023:“Can we trade places?” he asked me from under his fringe. He looked tall until I realized that he was using my muscle-roller as a skateboard. I say goodbye to felix and ponder puppies and abuse...Image credit: Nik on Unsplash

February 2nd, 2023: In which I fly away from the blazing sun of Panama and land in Montreal winter, to contend with emails, chase some sunbeams, and live as the mad artist I am. Image credit: Yours truly

Friday, January 13th, 2023Friday the 13thCosta Rica. Panama. Transparent circus pants and a thongs. This is the story about slutty clothes, suitcases, and Central American taxi drivers.Image credit: Yours truly

Circa 2011I thought my speech for Dajuan and Juliette's wedding was funny, and maybe it was? Image credit: Yours truly"You meet your destiny on the road you take to avoid it"-Carl Jung

December 24th, 2022: I dreamt about his wife the other night. I remembered the dream vividly, from beginning to end. How pretty she looked. How pregnant. How proud...Image credit: Yours truly

May 22nd, 2022:Oh yes! I thought I’d open up with a very dramatic start. That’s how we do it in this family, isn’t it? We do things VERY dramatically. THIS IS OUR FAMILY AND WE COULDN’T BE PROUDER. IF WE WANT TO…Image credit: Deon Black on Unsplash

December 17th, 2022:I'm waiting at home in a blizzard to see if Mommy will come, since Mistress didn't. All my drawbridges are up. I write about family dysfunction an fitbits.Image credit:  Colin Lloyd on Unsplash