Should We Get Married? with Maxson and Emily

We talk to Rabbi Ben Spratt, Emily's beloved family rabbi, about the Jewish idea that restriction is what makes something sacred: that you haven't really made a choice until you've also chosen what you're not going to do. He also tells us about some "Epic Jewish Stuff" like Onah, a 1,600-year-old Talmudic law obligating husbands to sexually pleasure their wives. At the end of the episode, Rabbi Ben puts Maxson and Emily on the spot, asking each of them how the other has called them into a better version of themselves.

We talk to Archie, a substance abuse counselor, nationally ranked yo-yoer, and the son of Isabel from Episode 4. He has eight divorces in his immediate family, including his own parents'. He tells us about going through addiction and recovery programs, and how lucky he was to have all of his parents and step-parents showing up for him during treatment. At the end of the episode, Maxson and Emily ask each other: do we think we would have a nice divorce?

We try out getting married to each other with a ceremony - vows and all - put together by Nico Raineau, professional wedding officiant, who we first spoke with back in Episode 8. At the end of the episode, Maxson and Emily reflect on how the experience changed how they feel about getting actually married.

We talk to Rhaina Cohen, author of The Other Significant Others, about the importance of "platonic life partners" - friends that you love with a depth and domesticity that mirrors romantic partnership. She tells us how she and her husband structured their life to include communal living with other couples, and her advice to anyone considering marriage: to stop worrying about convention, and figure out what you actually want together. At the end of the episode, Maxson and Emily try to figure out what actually makes the two of them more than just really, really good friends?

We talk to Bridget, Emily's freshman year college roommate and the show's first listener-turned-guest, who reached out after hearing the couples therapy episode and had notes. Bridget has been with her husband for 12 years, and her take is direct: if you're not sure you want to be together forever, don't get married. She also drops a spicy opinion - that couples who “need” couples therapy while just dating are not going to make it. At the end of the episode, Maxson and Emily debate whether making a whole podcast about this question is an act of love, or proof that they’ve already lost the plot.

We talk to Nico Raineau, a professional wedding officiant, who takes notes on our love story as he prepares a mock wedding ceremony for us. We learn about the unusual world of wedding officiants, we describe our weird and distinctly un-vibey first date, a surprise kiss in the rare books section of a bookstore, and Hinge-gate: the first big moment where we had to really assess our relationship. At the end of the episode, Maxson and Emily muse on if going through a fake ceremony might make us feel closer, or further, from wanting to get legally married.If you liked Nico's vibe, you can learn more and get in touch here.

We talk to John J. Lennon, a self-taught writer who has been incarcerated at Sing Sing Prison for 24 years. John has been married twice to women he fell in love with through handwritten letters. He tells us what conjugal visits are like, who gets access to them, and their surprising origin. At the end of the episode, Maxson and Emily ask each other if they’d stay in a relationship if one of them went to prison.If you liked what John had to say, you can get more information on his new book, The Tragedy of True Crime, here.

We talk to Karen Gordon, our couples therapist, about the health of our actual relationship. We've been seeing her for over three years, and in some ways, she knows us better than our friends and family. We talk with her about our conflict cycle, specific issues we've worked with her on in the past, and the issues we are working with her on now. At the end of the episode, Maxson and Emily ask if we need to "fix" everything before we should get married or have a child.

We talk to Miles and Elektra, a legally married polyamorous couple, about what marriage means when it's not grounded in sexual exclusivity. They make the case that non-monogamy actually strengthens their commitment: loving others keeps their lives fresh, and building their marriage on shared values instead of exclusivity gives them a sturdier foundation when conflict arises. We also learn that Elektra is planning a "fourgy," aka, a fortieth birthday play party, for Miles at their favorite venue. At the end of the episode, Maxson and Emily reflect: what values do we ground our own relationship in?

We talk to Julia Funke, an immigration lawyer, about if getting married will help Emily get Maxson's EU citizenship. We also talk about the "love test," which is how the government figures out if you have a real relationship and sometimes involves sending more-than-intimate texts from your personal life to an immigration officer. At the end of the episode, Maxson and Emily go through the primary sources of their life that they would share with the government to prove the legitimacy of their love.

We talk to Isabel Gillies, a mother of two whose first husband fell in love with someone else, about whether marriage actually prevents couples from breaking up. She shares her theory that everyone has multiple soulmates over the course of a lifetime, and you are going to meet some of them after you get married. At the end of the episode, Maxson and Emily get real: what's our actual game plan if one of us starts developing feelings for someone else?

We ask Deb, a trauma nurse, if it's true that you can be blocked from entering the emergency room to visit your partner if you aren't legally married. We also talk about who gets decision-making priority if you are on life support. She tells us a heart wrenching story from her early days in the ER that prompted her to reverse her take on marriage with her then-boyfriend, and they went that same week to get a domestic partnership, and then later, get legally married.

We talk to Esme, a 12-year-old, and her dad PF, about their unusual family structure. Esme’s parents were never legally married, so we get to ask her: what was that like? Did you feel like your parents were more likely to break up? Any issues while traveling? And are you, Esme, interested in getting married yourself one day? And much more.

Maxson and Emily are four years into dating, and our love is the real deal — we want to have kids and a family together. But getting legally married? That’s not as obvious to us, so we’re making a podcast where we figure it out with friends, family, experts, and ultimately, each other.