"Surviving the Stench: My Journey Through Life’s Crap”

A MUST LISTEN TO : THE SUBTLE ART OF NOT GIVING A FUCK BY MARK MANSONLEARN TO LIVE YOUR LIFE ONLY GIVING A FUCK ABOUT WHAT REALLY MATTERS

Well I made it to lucky 13. I have been incredibly busy with being my own lawyer in a bankruptcy to taking care of 6 cats and 2 dogs. And getting ready for surgery, trying not to be evicted, watching grand daughter full time, figuring out my replacements for dope, Trying to keep a schedule right now is almost impossible with everything in play. But you know what they say about impossible.. "I'm possible" at everything. It is in the choosing of what I want to do......by far the easiest decision of my day is still a cold shower. Repetition does become habit...One of the best things i really took to heart this week is Anna Lembke talked on making changes. She says if we wait for the day when we feel like doing something that we are trying to change, that day will never come. So just start doing motions to make the change and the feelings will follow. RIGHT ON POINT!

https://youtu.be/OC8eA8rNqp8?si=_YZQK9njlq4D-rGL-Dopamine nation and the neuroscience of addiction with Anna Lembkehttps://youtu.be/yU2TythwzLI?si=cfQfwrTMuyBG1AAJ-50 Universal Laws That Affect Realityhttps://www.youtube.com/live/u3papaX85MA?si=WtSgLKZhi4QXob41432Hz- Alpha Waves Heal The Whole Body and Spirit, Emotional, Physical, Mental & Spiritual Healing

As my podcast takes shape, things change.... Like the title, description and my 70 personalities. Ha Ha. I have no idea from episode to episode what is going to come out. I do not plan it. I trust the process and what's meant to be will be. I hold nothing back, except my hair somedays. So this topic touches on being a teenage mom, abortion, and a briefing of the years from 16 to 18 all important as to what has got me here. I will never spend a lot of time in the past because i now focus on the now. I personally think its ok to go back and have the memories but don't live there as it will take you away from everything in front of you. I think very soon I am going to start doing a live once a week and having some guests! I think so many people out there have powerful stories that never get told. So I am inviting you to share your story anonymously. If interested email [email protected]. Please share a little about yourself and what you would like to share. I already have a few people lined up but would love more as we go!!!Here is another amazing podcast from Dr H I have been listening to !Dr. Casey Means: Transform Your Health by Improving Metabolism, Hormone & Blood Sugar Regulation - Huberman Lab

So as i was editing to post episode 10 I somehow managed to delete the entire thing and i cannot get it back:/ So as the universe wants, the universe gets and I will be recreating and posting later tonight! Gotta love technology some days. Such a love/hate relationship

“That which we do not bring to consciousness appears in our lives as fate.” (Carl Jung)Borderline personality disorder is a mental health condition that affects the way people feel about themselves and others, making it hard to function in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable, intense relationships, as well as impulsiveness and an unhealthy way of seeing themselves. Impulsiveness involves having extreme emotions and acting or doing things without thinking about them first.People with borderline personality disorder have a strong fear of abandonment or being left alone. Even though they want to have loving and lasting relationships, the fear of being abandoned often leads to mood swings and anger. It also leads to impulsiveness and self-injury that may push others away.The 2 are one....looking at the not so fun parts of ourselves is hard , but the clarity that comes from it is so worth it. Links to my listening today, and note some will be repetitive. Its how i role:)https://youtu.be/rgLQWutNxKc?si=XYEoSRWC5ji2Zjbk - Carl Jung - The Power of Knowing Your Dark Sidehttps://youtu.be/H-XfCl-HpRM?si=cbtXlAZo3LKanI8NHow Your Nervous System Works & ChangesAndrew Huberman

So I have switched to episodes because as much as i would like to say I'm keeping a schedule i am not. Having my grand- daughter full time again changed things up. So I will do episodes and try my best to do daily but as you can see sometimes it does not work out. I have my surgery scheduled in a month finally and I am so ready. Let me tell you not using for a couple days and I can barely move. And I mean barely. IT SUCKS!!!! More on the next episode about that,

When I started transforming, I started to see my past in such a different light. I stopped blaming people and situations on the choices i continue to make. I started seeing that only I was responsible for who i was and i was the only one to change it. I was a rebel and did what i wanted when i wanted for 46 years...I am still doing this but in a whole different light. This is the last episode i am using a different voice. It just does not catch my dynamic personality at all. So say goodbye to sleepy sara because she will be no more.

I am creating a schedule little by little...but always adjusting. I am starting to feel and think differently about things in my life. So all these things I am doing are working. Giving myself permission this time to take this on my terms has made such a big difference because i know I am making these choices for me and no one else. That is the strength i have been looking for and needed, I still have so much to learn and I am sure this wont look perfect but i am ok with that. This time feels so much different to me, This time i want to live a better life and I can actually picture what that looks like. And frankly i look forward to that day. Its coming......And for the things and people in my life that are not on that level. Poof be gone. And just like that I vision it. And it happens.

It was one of those days, so this one is a little shorter. I actually cried this morning. I don't do that very often anymore, But hey, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON even if we don't see it.....that I do trust in.

Today was a day for internalization and looking at what is working so far and what things I need to change. The first words I said getting up was "I think I am going to take a day".. to me that means my intention was to rest and take it easy..my body tells me I need to rest and my brain says.."the fuck you are".. . So today I changed the meaning of OCD to Obsessive Cat Disorder. Because I have 7 of them and a lot of my time is spent making sure my house doesn't reflect it. My brain is chaotic enough with my ADD and OCD , that a messy house is something I cannot do. It compounds everything by a million....so this is what my "rest" day consisted of... and once you listen this is my Adhd at its finestI started with one topic and ended up on another tangent. Welcome to my world

As you can guess, my intention was to finish up with Day 3 last night after my grand daughter went to sleep. Well, that did not work because she was ready to party all night! So this episode may be a little shorter , and sometimes they will be. That is one area I am not stressing on until I have some other things situated. I apologize for the mundane voice and will use my own as soon as i get noise canceling headphones:)Here is the link to the video I went back over today..https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLRCS48Ens4&t=4858s

FIRST OF ALL..PLEASE BEAR WITH ME AS I EXPLORE ALL THIS TECHNOLOGY FOR PODCASTING! I I USED A VOICE CHANGER TODAY SO YOU ALL KNOW! Day 2 , I didn't get the sleep I needed and I felt horrible all day. I notice that sugar right before bed and/or lack of sleep almost give me a hangover feeling. I definitely feel my age after 40. The area i succeeded in today was pushing through the positive habits I am forming to replace the negative. I did not want to take a cold shower at all this morning but I told myself that it is pushing through these things that will give me more personal strength and power back to kick the things I no longer want or need in my life to the curb. It definitely did not make me feel better for long today though and I had to make myself push through working out my software for these episodes ect. By noon I was so dead tired that I fell asleep for a short cat nap. I have paid attention to the times I am wanting to use and started to push it out a little even when i do. For an example, I needed to get the dishes done and I will usually take a few hits before engaging in chores of any kind. Part of what I am trying to do as I go is stop associating certain activities or situations with my use. I do not want my brain to keep thinking my body needs dope to clean. So I chose to do the dishes first and a few other things before i let myself take a hit. I also look at this as taking back control. I have let this control me to an extent for awhile believing that I could not do certain physical activities with out it due to the pain. While there is some truth to that, I am flipping the script so that my brain will eventually no longer register these things as a partner/trigger to use. So more than anything today was a lot of just being aware and changing the script in my head when certain things came up like that. Another super important and powerful technique I have started is to think throughout the day on what Picture my life looking like on the other side of this. When the pain has decreased after surgery, when I have started replenishing my dopamine supply instead of depleting it, and when I am traveling the country spending a week in each state. Dr H talks about meditating on the certain outcome you want. I call this manifesting. When you do this, it greatly increases your chance of being successful in creating that new habit or putting one away that you no longer need. Check out this podcast from Dr H on Habits! https://youtu.be/Wcs2PFz5q6g?si=TDD5iAfWiv9RdCAn

This first one was a little rough ACTUALLY THE QUALITY OF RECORDING DOWNRIGHT SUCKS! ...Just like everything in life, I am finding what works and what doesn't. I am relinquishing control over this podcast and I am going to see how it forms. i overthink everything to the point I will not do it. So if things seem a little choppy or not smooth it is simply because I had to make myself get it posted before I talked myself out of it or told myself it needed to be better. Sometimes it is just taking that jump. And that is pretty much what I am doing here. I have always been a perfectionist in life to the point it is not so healthy sometimes. I know the power of my brain as I can talk myself into or out of ANYTHING! So why haven't I used that power for bigger changes? I ask myself that question as I begin to visualize what life is going to look like for me soon. Thank you to Andrew Huberman for sharing all your amazing knowledge!!! I encourage everyone to check his podcast out!https://youtu.be/jSqCL7Npln0?si=2MAMo8VlcItIha6N