Swordboys - Cut x Cut

The Swordboys await their sentence at the end of their time with the famous fanfiction movie Braveheart. As they do, they dig deep into such topics as who their guy is, doing or throwing mushrooms at a public event, how to kiss with a mouthful of liquid, locking eyes with weird kids, and something about a Juicy Jerry? Hey listen, every man dies. Not every man really podcasts about sword movies. But does this movie get our sword? And what does Rick have up his sleeve for our next series?? And how soon before Jonathan and Robin cry FREEDOM!!!!!!!Runtime: 2:31:11 - END

Join the Swordboys as we sit catatonically by a river and contemplate Cut 7 of Braveheart. RSVP Campbell. And there is so much death, but on the plus side, there are so many free swords! Bobby Junior spirals emotionally as William starts literally dropping bodies. And against the advice of his closest allies, our hero steps directly into the Taint of High Treason! Will this be the end of William Wallace? Tune in next cut! Same Swordtime! Same Swordchannel!Runtime: 2:09:53 - 2:31:11

Swordboys returns unkilled by the heathens, but we do look back...at Cut 6 of Braveheart, that is. Eddie Senior decides to use William's love of the French to trick him. But, faster than you can say New England Clam Chowder, Chef Wallace leads his Soupboys into battle yet again. But a mysterious Buckethead has joined the British ranks. Could this be William's undoing?Runtime: 01:50:58 - 02:09:53

Time for a medal ceremony! Sorry Chewie. With no help from his sodomite cousin the prince, Mork from York is sacked and beheaded after the Riders of Rohan arrive. Meanwhile Longshanks throws Bran Stark out of a window, and Princess Isabelle and Nicolette pitch a tent for William.Runtime: 01:33:00 - 01:50:58

Soup's on! The Swordboys gather around a fire to sample some of William's audition for The Bear, seasoned from mysterious herbs hidden under his kilt. Enter Stephen: a man with God's ear, an island to himself and possibly a podcast. They stick their faces in chemical toilets and ride to Stirling for an epic battle not meant for Softboys. Is Campbell okay? Maybe we should ask Hamish's mother, amirite? Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity, to seize all the TCBOOs you ever wanted in one moment. Would you subscribe to it or just let it slip? Yo. Because you may take our free feed, but will you ever take....OUR PATREON!?!Runtime: 01:07:27 - 01:33:00

In this cut, William rides in farming aura, threshing faces with Scottish nunchucks, and leading his dirty boys in taking down Fort Shit and avenging the death of Maid Murren. Meanwhile, Lady Cluck tells tales of romance and Robert the Bruce Senior is just falling to pieces. MacAulish!!Runtime: 00:46:03 - 01:07:27

In Cut Two, the Swordboys are back in Shrek's boggy marsh, to welcome the adult William Wallace, with his clean-shaven face, perfect teeth, and stolen Highlander wig. Old William has returned to get into some good ol' rock throwing with McCloy, flip his old "house" and make a play for his childhood sweetheart. But, of course, the British cutthroats show up to destroy the vibe. Runtime: 00:21:03 - 00:46:03

Welcome back to the Highlands, er Lowlands! The Swordboys strap on their best kilts and their best Scottish accents to ride into battle for 1995's BRAVEHEART! In Cut One, young William Wallace is drafted into the Weapon X Program for his skills in the kitchen. Later on, Longshanks assembles his cabinet to Make Scotland England Again, while Robert the Bruce arrives in Edinburgh (not pronounced how it is spelled). Runtime: 00:00:00 - 00:21:03

Is everybody Hydrated and ready to bone? It's time for the final cut of Jason and the Argonauts and finally we get to the long-awaited skeletons-with-swords scene! But before that, Jason finds the Golden Fleece, just in time for the holidays and battles the Hydra, a creature with wasted potential. Then, after one boring miracle and some gardening with Johnny Appleseed, Jason and his two men (the rest didn't get shore leave) find out what the skeletons use for money! Finally, we decide if this movie deserves our swords, and announce what is coming next! Runtime 01:26:17 - 01:43:48

Happy Baby Argus New Year! Medea’s Family Shipwreck gets Jason’s personal attention. The two other survivors are being looked after. Meanwhile, Acastus gets tied up in knots and ends up betraying them all. Euphemus shows up dead as a doornail. After public shaming by King Aeetes, Jason and the Argonauts are captured but luckily Medea Goes To Jail to help them escape! Muster Your Men, Captain! (There better be skeletons next time…)Runtime (01:08:43 - 01:26:17)

Happy holidays! Tune in as the Swordboys make topical and timely references that people love! The Argonauts dress for dinner and help a questionably-blind former Time Lord net some questionably-hot screeching bird women. After that, they sail the Argo into Nick Nolte's bathtub and Zeus insults Hera. Please send us your pictures of Charlie Starkist in a bowtie or your favorite Beastmaster nativity scenes.Runtime: 00:51:55 - 01:08:43

We're starving on a boat and need to stop off on the Island of Bronze. Hercules is told the rules but just like that little monkey from Aladdin, he steals something and all hell breaks loose as a giant man tries to slowly kill the Argonauts.Don't worry, he has a bunghole. Timestamp: Uh, does anyone even read these?

Happy Thanksgiving Swordboys! Here is a special patreon only episode for your holiday weekend. Go watch The Warrior and the Sorceress on Youtube and then listen in. There are a lot of boobs in this. Nuff said! (It also has David Carradine scowling around...)

Grab your kudookus and head on down to the Mount Olympus food court, because Yabba Dabba Zeus has got the games on - the Olympic Games, that is! That's because Jason is assembling a crack team of absolute dickheads in diapers to head down to Georgia and we have "trivia" about every one single of them. Two Poops, Castor Oyl, Podcastus, Euphemism, Spyro of Skyland, Timothy Olmundson and Jack Dawson all get a shoutout. Then we head to the Isle of Bronze to just grab food and water. Right, Hercules? Right, Hercules???Runtime: 16:30 - 34:37

Greece is the word! By way of Southern Italy that is. Hey, how depressed is Ray Harryhausen? Could a depressed person make this? Because we are setting course on an epic adventure filmed with Dynamation in cut 1 of 1963's "JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS"! Pelias and his soothsayer smoke a bowl and get directions from Fred Flintstone Zeus, but my guy cannot stop defiling Hera's temples! We mere mortals are just chess pieces for the gods to play with (and also actively have sex with), so now Pelias is marked for death! But 20 years later, a man with one brown sandal returns to kill Pelias and retake his rightful throne. His name is Jason and today is his birthday. However Pelias instead sends him on a quest to retrieve an itchy golden fleece with magic powers (cue harp noise). But first, the soothsayer turns into a giant toga-wearing Michael Palin and it's two to beam aboard the USS Olympus!Runtime: 00:00:00 - 00:16:30

In our final cut, our intrepid swashbuckler races to stop the dastardly plan to give General Santa Anna back his own gold to buy California, and murder all the peasants that mined it! This time we have dual duels because, while Al is here to set several fires and explosions off in his fight against Captain Love, Don Diego picks up his sword to take down his evil baby-abducting archenemy Don Montero! Along the way, we learn about sword gleams, sword banter, sword scars, exploding animals and kisses from Hollywood royalty! Who will live to spend their lifetime loving the beautiful Elena? Will this movie get all our rapiers or will someone be the foil?? Find out as we wrap up “The Mask of Zorro”!Runtime: 01:52:05 - The End

We are feasting on swords and neighplayers this week! Zorro escapes with the map and is surprised by how properly instructed Elena is! They play a game of flirty swords before Elena is vigorously undressed! After that, Clompy and new friend Tad team up to deliver one of the last old school horse stunt spectaculars! But now it’s personal for Don Diego as he faces off with Don Raphael like it’s an episode of Maury Povich! Will Elena find out who the father is? Saddle up and don’t forget where your hat is! "Robin's Lil Swordloops" is a registered trademark of Swordboys Dot Biz. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use, reproduction, or imitation of this trademark is strictly prohibited.Runtime: 01:36:18 - 01:52:05

At last! The legendary Zorro arrives and we get a spectacular swordfight to talk about this week! But first, we have to discuss: Brazilian steakhouses, Clompy's favorite scene, horse tunes, Elena Origins, Head Jar, removable mustaches, flaming Zs, the sounds of swords, Gymkata, and the literal Mask of Zorro! Get comfortable, grab yourself a glass of isopropyl alcohol, and let the sound of our voices calm you. Only Patreon members get their hair brushed though. Runtime: 01:20:51 - 01:36:18

Welcome to Hell’s Outhouse! No swordplay this week, but something is unsheathed! Fire up the Tango! Al and El hit the floor while Don Diego hits a guard. We learn about Don Raphael's sinister plan and see how massive his secret operation is. So that obviously means that our conversation is mainly about oral histories, Epcot Center, lobby dumps, the Macarena, Dirty Dancing, minor miners, and Three-Fingered Jack's awful disgusting feet. Forgive us, dear listeners. A shameless podcast at your expense... and we hope it won't be the last...Runtime: 01:04:59 - 01:20:51

Banditos! Senoritas! Caballeros! This is a house of God! The Swordboys follow the new Zorro into a confessional booth that has both Al and El looking for any (glory)holiness between them. After he escapes both lust and Love, Al gets a dressing-down from Double D and his whip, before getting a dressing-up for a bougie fiesta where he faces scrutiny from a rouge-y Don Montero. Merry Whipmyth!Runtime: 00:51:49 - 01:04:59

Cue the training montage! The very sexy Don Diego decides to sober Alejandro up after finding him drinking whiskey with limes and salt. But how "Miyagi" are his teachings? Once trained, Zorro Begins by setting his sights on a Black Beauty with hair that matches his own. Will Al be able to claim Torna-dos as his own, and how many soldiers will he accidentally blow up in the process? Los Muchachos Espada are here to break down every moment of this swashbuckling Looney Tune in cut 3 of The Mask of Zorro!Runtime: 00:33:32 - 00:51:52

We meet the grown Murrieta brothers and their pal Tres Fingers Jack as the pull a scam on a group of Californian soldiers. But their plans are cut short by the appearance of Captain Love. A very ironic name, although he does love killing so I guess he never works a day in his life.Don Diego slinks out of jail as the evil Don Rafael comes back to California with his daughter, Elena. Don't lose your head in cut two of The Mask of Zorro!

Time for a proper movie! Roberto, Ricardo and Juanathan are back to discuss the ONLY Zorro movie, despite what Legend says: THE MASK OF ZORRO! In this first cut, we are denied Antonio, but the real Zorro arrives first, played by a very agile 61-year-old! We talk Zorro origins, its ties to real history, what sword he uses and of course his gentle steed Clompo! Jess...Runtime: 00:00:00 - 00:18:03

We come ARMED to our last cut of CONAN THE BARBARIAN! Conan, Subotai and the Wizard prep the beach Home Alone-style to ambush "Tulsa" Doom with the Princess as bait! With a final prayer to Jobu, Conan dispatches Thorgrim and is nearly killed by Rexor but is saved at the last minute by a tall blonde angel! And finally, Conan takes one last trip to Snake Mountain to get his vengeance. CROM!!!!!!!!Runtime: 01:43:53 - 02:10:16NEXT UP: THE MASK OF ZORRO

Soup's on! Conan, Valeria, and Subotai make their way into the sunken living room of Thulsa Doom's lair and there are so many questions. How does the fornication room work? How does it smell? What's the secret of the ooze? Why is Thulsa turning into a snake? How many penises does a snake have? And how much gasoline is needed for an Amazonian corpse to explode into flame? CROM!!!Runtime: 01:29:37 - 01:43:50

Happy belated Easter! Get your Tree of Whoa talk here at Swordboys where the crucifixions come with some tasty crucifixins'! Then the Wizard half-asses some sort of spell to attack Conan's corpse with some ghosties. And finally, after some flexin' and sword kata, the trio head to Thulsa's Temple of Doom to help them get their kitchen nightmares in order. Yes Chef, I mean, CROM!!Runtime: 01:15:50 - 01:29:37

Conan is alone now, and meets a wizard, adorned in felt skins, trading Clompy in for a couple of humps. After that, he uses his mime skills and attractive pecs to infiltrate the snake cult cast of 100s! But a pointy white hat isn't enough to disguise the enormous barbarian, and so finds himself face-to-face with his greatest enemy! CROM!Runtime: 00:59:59 - 01:15:50

Enter Valeria! Team Coco picks up another warrior to help them infiltrate the very smelly Snakehole Lounge. After that, it's time for booze, breathable gruel and boning! Finally, Conan, Subotai and Valeria are given a fetch quest to the Mountain of Power which might actually be the very place Conan was going to anyway! CROM!!!Runtime: 00:40:20 - 00:59:59

Warm yourself next to the fire of Swordboys this week as Travis of the Bow returns for Cut 3 of Conan the Barbarian! After Conan gets some d-erection from a wolfwitch, he meets a surfing thief named Subotai and together they go on a black lotus-influenced rampage through Zamora's livestock. This had better not be Haga! CROM!Runtime: 00:29:46 - 00:40:20

WHAT IS BEST IN LIFE? Having a Bowboy like Travis to stop by and discuss Cut 2 of Conan the Barbarian! We start with Young Conan strapped to the Wheel of Pain, where his sisyphean struggles turn him into Arnold Schwarzenegger! Eventually he's tossed in a Thunderbowl to fight for his life against various emissaries of Skeletor. He's trained as a fighter and is rewarded with the pleasures of a woman. Eventually his best friend and slaveowner Tormund releases him and he finds a mysterious cave with a great sword. CROM!!!Runtime: 00:14:57 - 00:29:46

Let me tell you of the days of high adventure! The Swordboys return to the Hyborian Age and dust off their Arnold impressions for it is finally time to discuss CONAN THE BARBARIAN! Do we even need to say the 1982 version? Even if it opens with a Kelly Clarkson quote? Of course not, because Jonathan really needs a win this time. Topics discussed are the tragic tale of the father of the sword and sorcery genre, swordmaking, our favorite Nietzsche quotes, the patron saints of Swordboys, who is your favorite hench, Young Conan's Dad, Young Conan's hot mom, James Earl Jones's wig and how this all ties back to Skeletor. CROM!!!Runtime: 00:00:00 - 00:14:57

You and I have unfinished business. Baby, you ain't kidding, because the Swordboys have finally reached the conclusion of KILL BILL: THE WHOLE BLOODY AFFAIR! Jonathan is on edi-Bills, Robin brings some not-so-fun facts and Rick praises Bill's parenting. They also discuss the infamous car crash, sword songs, thumbsuckers, Superman's secret identity, more reasons why Harvey Weinstein is the worst (is he dead yet?), whether there is streaming in the afterlife, what kind of ending was expected and finally: does this movie get our sword? After that, Jonathan reveals his pick for the next movie! How do I look? You look ready. TWBA Runtime: 03:01:53 - 03:58:18Volume Two Runtime: 01:21:15 - 02:16:00Confused? Just watch Last Chapter - Face to Face

The Swordboys celebrate their two-year anniversary as the now-named Beatrix Kiddo crosses two names off her kill list. Robin acts like a hot mess, Jonathan continues to be a lovable scamp, and Rick figures out a way this movie could have been better. Still, we give Daryl Hannah some props for being a crimefighting activist, and Elle Driver some props for writing all her fun facts and jokes down. Finally, we rattle off some scary facts about sneks. Hisssssssssss!!TWBA Runtime: 02:43:46 - 03:01:53Volume Two Runtime: Confused? Just watch Chapter 9 - ELLE and I

The Swordboys travel to China with young Beatrix to undergo the "cruetelage of paella", which just may be the training she needs to escape her subterranean cell! Along the way, they discuss important topics such as their favorite pies, double knots, Dead Poet's Society, the best part of a rat, Quentin's nearly-disastrous casting, breakaway flutes, whooshy ponytails, MythBusters, Brian Burgers and, of course, WikiFeet. After so much banter, may we have a glass of water please?TWBA Runtime: 02:19:53 - 02:43:46Volume Two Runtime: 00:39:15 - 01:03:07Confused? Just watch Chapter 8 - The Cruel Tutelage of Pai Mei

Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey! The Swordboys head to the strip club for Budd's shift as we finally get into some Madsen Facts. Michael Madsen - actor, poet, hot sauce maker, and Tarantino staple - plays the most conscientious DiVA, Budd, who is now living a humble life with a satisfied mind. But The Bride is here for a payback that will leave one of them six feet under. Along the way, the Swordboys discuss our stripper names, cowboy hats, balaclavas vs shiesties, and the efficacy of a blast to the chest with rocksalt. Come for the strip club buffet, stay for the Carradine film reviews. My Oh My! TWBA Runtime: 01:58:49 - 02:19:53 Volume Two Runtime: 00:18:10 - 00:39:14 Confused? Just watch Chapter 7 - The lonely grave of Paula Schultz

Come hang with the Swordboys as we start the Volume 2 half of the Whole Bloody Affair in desolate El Paso where The Bride and The Groom do a dress rehearsal of death. Arlene’s daddy, a silver miner from Perth, has arrived, flute in hand. But will he give The Bride away, or will this turn into a bloodbath? Give Daddy a kiss as he helps tie the knot. TWBA Runtime: 01:42:53-01:59:00 Volume Two Runtime: 0:00 - 18:10 Confused? Just watch Chapter 6: Massacre at Two Pines

Woo hoo! Time for the Swordboys to drift over to Tokyo and discuss Chapter 5 which is full of gallons and gallons of blood! More blood than a human could realistically geyser out of their body but, hey, Morbius is happy. What else does this chapter contain? Swords! Lots and lots of swords! So many swords that you might not wonder where The Bride pulled hers from. We do know that she's a real blood flicker. Other topics discussed are what's your Liu View, are there actually 88 crazy people, and are you a sword person or a mall ninja? At the end of this podcast, those of you lucky enough to have your lives, take them with you. However, leave the limbs you've lost. They belong to the Swordboys now. TWBA Runtime: 00:59:00 - 01:42:43 Volume One Runtime: 00:58:40 - the end of Volume One Confused? Just watch Chapter 5: Showdown at House of Blue Leaves

The Swordboys invite you to Okinawa, home of Mr. Miyagi, so make sure to bring your Japanese tongues. The Bride is here for a sword so turn that frown upside down. Topics include subtle restaurant names, Wolfguys, Morbius, the power of strong sake, the importance distinction between bald and shaved heads, underwear and TiVo in the shower, and how Hattori Hanzo created Reddit. Do you understand? TWBA Runtime: 00:45:36-00:59:00 Volume One Runtime: 00:45:13-00:58:40 Confused? Just watch Chapter 4: The MAN From OKINAWA

We're in Cartoonland this week as we explore Chapter 3: the "O-Rengin". O-Ren's background is brutal and bloody, as we see in media revenge. But, is it real or is it legend? Also discussed are hiding under porches, Weekend at Bernie's, The A-Team, Burn Notice, Pretty Woman, the importance of bulletproof glass, and how The Bride got from the hospital to the airport. Also, as a bonus, Jonathan shares some one-star Amazon reviews. Hard part’s over. Now, let’s get these other piggies wiggling. TWBA Runtime: 00:35:57-00:45:36 Volume One Runtime: 00:35:58-00:45:13 Confused? Just watch Chapter 3: The Origin of O-Ren

Good gravy, Marie! The Swordboys (including a sleepy Jonathan) turn to Chapter 2 of KILL BILL as we encounter some timeline shenanigans with our heroine outlined in chalk on the floor of an El Paso chapel. We are still trying to trace the trajectory of Bill's magic bullet, and get some help from Earl and Edgar McGraw, familiar faces to fans of Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez. At Perdido Hills Hospital, Elle Driver accessorizes her eyepatch, and prepares to twist some nerves and kill The Bride in her sleep, but is stopped by Bill, wielding our first sword of the movie. Four years later, The Bride wakes up in the coma ward from hell, run by the disorderly orderly Buck. We feel queasy about his bedside manners but it does lead us to discuss knuckle tattoos and the effects of a severed Achilles tendon. Soon enough, she finds her way to the Pussy Wagon and we get all into feet. Grab a hairy tub of Vaselube, wiggle your big toe and kiss your Dixie cup full of toothpaste, our last bit of advice is to avoid Italian restaurants with no windows or Italians. Also, the D is silent. Cling clang! TWBA Runtime: 00:16:10-00:35:57 Volume One Runtime: 00:16:08-00:35:58 Confused? Just watch Chapter 2: The blood-splattered BRIDE

Do you find us sadistic? The Swordboys open the book on KILL BILL with Chapter One: 2. We discuss some of the changes and deleted scenes from The Whole Bloody Affair (but you can still keep up by watching the theatrical cuts). There are so many fun facts and font facts about how Doo Doo Run Run ran Shaw Brothers Studios, our first Umas, how to pronounce "The RZA", how well Dimples hold up a vinyl collection, and what our snake names are. What's yours? Join us as we also add so many referenced movies to our TCBOO list, consider getting into feet, and pray for Harvey Weinstein's death. You can take our word for it, he has it comin'. When you finish listening, if you still feel raw about it, we'll be waiting. TWBA Runtime: 00:00:00 - 00:16:10 Volume One Runtime: 00:00:00 - 00:16:08 Confused? Just watch Chapter One: 2

For this final truncated cut, we discuss our wishes for a Jade Fox origin story, some of the best acting we have ever covered so far, and how we would have ended the movie because the way it ends is pretty baffling to us. Also, Robin is incensed by the purple yin, Rick is stunned at how deceitful 8-year-old girls can be, and Jonathan remembers why he never liked this movie. Finally, as always, we discuss at length about whether this movie gets our sword, and some of the criteria we look for to determine that. Runtime: 01:39:20 - 02:00:05 NEXT UP: KILL BILL: THE WHOLE BLOODY AFFAIR"

In this cut, the Swordboys finally get to the best 20 minutes of the movie! After experiencing some ear-piercing trills that natively are known as "music", Jen brings her Karen energy to a restaurant where you get the best cod by fighting the toughest person there. Legends like Iron Arm, Ring Sword, Abacus Guy and Fiststick Man try their best to take the girlboss down, and the establishment ends up in ruins as a result. Speaking of girlbossing, Shu Lien shows us the difference between a boss and a leader when Girls Night at Sun Security ends up deteriorating into the swordfight that made this an official Swordboy selection! But after Obi-Wan Mu Bai interrupts the rumble, the Swordboys are forced to rationalize wuxia flight skills as Li and Jen film a Nestle Symphony commercial amongst the bendy branches of the bamboo trees. Runtime: 01:20:08 - 01:39:20

Comb one, comb all as we continue the flashback to Dark Cloud's Mountain Spa, where we find out what happens to falcons that can't deliver messages correctly. Jen is on her eat pray love journey with Lo, where we return to a Swordboys staple: the pre-coitus stabbing. Yup, this is a kissing movie and Jen and Lo meld each other's cultures so much that Jen could eat a whole horse. Back in the present, Lao Che Longfingers is the unwilling participant in a wedding processional that is secretly a Trap. But instead of luring out the Fox, we are left with a sadsack Hound: Bad Rufio - who is brought Lo by his pathetic behavior. Soon enough, it's Runaway Bride time as Jen escapes to a KOA Kampground. Finally, we learn when China got Windows. Join us as we ponder three questions that we would love your input on: is Bravestar bigger than Trap, who is the crouching tiger and who is the hidden dragon, and what is your badass name? Wait, is that four questions? Runtime: 00:59:39 - 01:20:08

Welcome to The Most Talking Cut, which would probably be better with either Sean Connery or arm wrestling. In this cut, you've got Sir T (who pities a fool), Karen Yu and High Energy Action Star Li Mu Bai trying to figure out what to do with a Jade-pilled Jen. Just when Li thought he was out, some flying wuxia and skadooshing brings him back in. We also flashback to days, months or years ago (who knows), when Jen's caravan was raided by Dark Cloud and the Heartbreakers, but it turns out to be quite the beat-cute when Jen gets Lo. But it leads the Swordboys to an important question: are you a Lo Boy or a Bo Boy? En garde! Runtime: 00:40:12 - 00:59:39

If you're bored, you'll be so happy to hear from us as we get into another cut of Crouching Talking Hidden Drama! Mr T pities the fool that stole the Green Destiny, but could Governor Yu be behind it all? Maybe not, but that wanted poster sure looks like his daughter's governess! Speaking of, Jen and Shu Lien become like total besties and Jen is shipping #ShuLiMu on her Tumblr. But Shu Lien is conflicted because of the death to Meng. But enough about them, because the best part of this movie is Deputy Bo who is such an idiot but also our favorite character. He bumbles around Inspector Tsai (chief head-puncher and Glaive aficionado) and his daughter Mai (wielder of the ancient butter knife) to take down Jade Fox, who steals all her moves from Wudan Mountain and Miyagi-Do. But an awesome fight turns into a crazy awesome fight when Jen and Li Mu Bai join in from nearby trees. Runtime: 00:21:10 - 00:40:12

The Swordboys are here to say that they know kung fu (movies)! They take a major step down in quality from the last movie to discuss CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON! Buckle up, everybody - they’re about to get everything wrong - from Chinese history to basic pronunciation. They jump aboard the Li/Yu ship. What, Li? No, Yu! Jonathan talks about the time he joined a meditation cult, Rick discusses Shu Lien’s gaslighting/gatekeeping/girlbossing and Robin delivers some audio swordporn. It’s their Green Destiny to talk this film, which brings up topics like Mr. Sword, Swords & Sensibility and the sounds of a sword wiggling and wobbling. Wiggle wiggle wobble wobble! Runtime: 00:00:00 - 00:21:10

Sexy Skeletor is now Master of the Universe and we are so happy for him! He has a huge staff, a costume change, a pig nose and a winged helmet that he stole from a Jun warlord. He gloats to Eternia ( Population: 8 ) but now that he is at the top, he is so lonely, something he shares with arch-nemesis, the very greasy He-Man. The Earthlings arrive and blasters and shotguns are a-blazin'! A moment of silence for Skeletor's most loyal servant, Blade, who can't even die the death of a true Swordboy. He-Man finally has The Power and nothing changes except the room empties out for a budget-friendly fight! It's the unintelligible jock that everyone loves versus the sexy bad boy your parents warned you about! Who will win? And, as we say "Good journey!" to this movie and hoist our Skeletor impersonations into the rafters (yeah right), we determine finally, did this movie not have enough sword to get our sword, or does it get a pass because of how much fun we had discussing it? Runtime: 01:27:26 - 01:45:31 NEXT UP: CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON

Oh gosh, this one is a doozy! We have arrived at the Last of Earth! Cut-out He-Man flies his pizza stone and finally pulls his sword out while Man-At-Arms and Teela shoot questions first and ask blasters later! We learn about Sexy Skeletor bits and the origins of Snake Mounting. Julie Ackbar gets her leg manipulated while Skeletor reminds Evil-Lyn to blast his cache. We take the space butthole back to Eternia where there’s a really rude robot announcer and Blade gets to be a Whip Boy. Robin starts his Earth First campaign, Rick explains all the technobabble and Jonathan announces his epitaph in Cut 5 of Masters of the Universe! Runtime: 01:10:09 - 01:27:23

Welcome back to the quiet desolate streets of Los Angeles, where the only place open is Charlie's Music Store. After Kevin autotunes his way out of the Collar of Al Jarreau and Gwildor tries on Julie's clothes (because comedy!), it's a race to Charlie's to find out the secrets of the cosmic key. You see, the universe is music and---boring! Time for a shootout after Evil Lyn's swampboat pulls up. Woman-at-arms Teela shows us her blaster skills and a Ghost Mom makes Jonathan declare that the movie is now officially off-the-rails. But the Superman IV effects bring in more hoverboards, another Space Butthole and Skeletor's Dick Ship! Runtime: 00:53:04 - 01:09:52