The 100 Word Stories Podcast

Lisa Lizzie Richard Serendipidy Tom Norval Joe Planet Z The next topic is PICK TWO Twaddle An owl Stable A tin of beans Crossing RICHARD Price tag It’s not often the Antiques Roadshow comes to town, so when we heard they’d be recording locally, we had to go along. The question was, what we were going to take to be appraised. Certainly not the ‘Dogs playing poker’ print – a cultural icon maybe, but hardly an antique. There was little of interest in the china cabinet; just chipped and mismatched plates and cups. Then granny turned up with her jewellery box and produced a huge, antique gemstone in a gold setting. What did the experts say it was worth? You’ll have to watch the programme to find out! LIZZIE The art installation Gemstone featured a naked mannequin with a television for a head, holding a megaphone. Its right arm was missing. Find meaning mode activated. Broadcasting television slogans while the body suffers the pain. Pleased with his interpretation, he approached the artist and shared his view. The artist looked at him, puzzled. He nodded, trying to prompt the artist to say something. The artist said “No, we got the mannequin on sale. They had lost the head and an arm, so they gave us an old tv and a megaphone.” Gemstone?! They should’ve named it Lacking a Gemstone, then. LISA Finders Keepers Derek’s dream had led him to a secluded glade. He’d had a vision of a buried chest full of jewellery there: gold pendants and rings with precious gemstones. The ground looked quite disturbed but it was a popular spot for youths to drink and besides his dreams were never wrong. Unperturbed, Derek started sweeping the ground with his metal detector. On the way home, empty handed and despondent, he listened to the radio. An exciting local news story interrupted the broadcast: that evening a gang of teenagers had found treasure worth millions in the very spot he’d just been searching. TOM A bridge too far It was called Project Gemstone. Personally, I thought it was a dumb code-name, but I didn’t get to make the call. It is pretty random, so others in the Alphabet black ops community don’t all get the cool ones. It equally pisses off everyone, like when D.S.T. got Robot Chicken. Gemstone dealt with the thorny issues of college students. Students of history known university students are the engine of revolution. Having eyeball on even the least likely camp was the goal of Gemstone. This was how I became a spook and ended up in Hanoi carrying paperwork for the Professor. SERENDIPIDY My engagement ring features a black gemstone. It’s not a diamond or sapphire, a spinel or tourmaline. It’s not even precious in the conventional sense: it’s just plain old glass crystal. In point of fact, if you look closely, it’s not even black. It’s actually deepest, darkest red. The colour comes from an inclusion: real human blood, injected into the stone and sealed there forever. The blood is that of my first husband. A reminder that he will never bother me again. Also, a very visible warning to my future husband, that there are some lines you just don’t cross. NORVAL JOE Patrick and Bobbi’s friend, Candy, joined the others in the messy front room. Sabrina shot hateful glares at her former captor, as Joan explained about CPS coming in the morning. Bobby looked around the squalid room in panic. “Mom’s on night shift. She won’t be home until seven.” Joan put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “Don’t worry. We’ll have the house shining like a diamond by morning.” “A diamond?” Bobby asked, clearly skeptical. Joan chuckled, “Well, a semi-precious gemstone, at least.” Bobbi doubled down. “But how?” “I have a special talent for organization.” Joan closed her eyes, breathing deeply. PLANET Z Harriet’s birthstone was a lump of coal. Nothing ever went right in her life. At the school dance, her classmates tied her up, put her in a circle made of salt, lit candles, and performed ritual rhythmic gyrations, an attempt to summon the dark Lord to take her away. It didn’t work. But the principal tried to blame her for the incident. Her foster parents couldn’t be bothered to show up to the inquiry. Eventually, she graduated and took the first bus out of town. No one knows where she wound up, and she never attends any of the reunions.

The first time Joey saw a salad bar, he was overwhelmed by all of the things laid out and arranged at the table. He loaded up his plate with croutons and a small pudding dish of ranch dressing. From that day on, all he would ever get from salad bars were the croutons and ranch dressing. His mother would scold him, set the plate aside, and make another plate for him. Keep with a variety of vegetables. But Joey would just sit there and stare at it until it was time to leave. And he would dream of his croutons.

The Guinness Book of World Records does not recognize the tallest column of Kraft Parmesan cheese canisters stacked, but if it did, it still wouldn’t recognize Maurice Flambo of Antwerp. At a public exhibition, he stacked 174 of the green canisters. He used a fire truck ladder to achieve the great height. The column stood for five minutes before a gust of wind brought it down. And then the uproarious applause died down and was replaced with shots of anger when it was discovered that the ends of the cylinders were coated with adhesive. Maurice never attempted the stunt ever again.

Sigrid was a pretty good troll hunter. He wasn’t the best, but when John the Bold wasn’t available, or the patron was on a limited budget, Sigrid was a reasonable choice. Sometimes his work took a little longer, and there would be collateral damage, but Sigrid got the job done. His online reviews weren’t as positive as John’s but when Sigrid hunted a troll that troll stayed hunted. John kept a dungeon full of trolls, and if he got a bad review, he would threaten to let those trolls loose again. Sigrid had more honor than to violate a contract.

Unlike other demons who required fancy rituals, sacrifices, and strange geometric patterns drawn on the floor, Agarro Darkshade had an ad in the yellow pages. Forgoing the traditional fireball, he preferred to knock on the front door. He also didn’t require souls or other rare artifacts for payment, he just traded in cash. No checks or credit cards, he wasn’t set up for that. He also didn’t practice dark magic. There was enough of that going about. Most of the time he’d snap his fingers to clean a house, fix a clanky air-conditioning system, or get a car running again.

Hampton Maddox drew the short straw and earned the role of getaway driver for the heist. The thing is, he didn’t know whether he should wear a mask or not. I mean, sitting there in a car in a mask is kind of suspicious, but if there are cameras on the street, they’ll clearly identify him. So he split the difference and put on nose glasses with a Groucho mustache. A cigar completed the ensemble. However, when the gang ran out of the bank, he forgot how to unlock the doors. He rolled down the windows though. That’s sorta worked.

Sixgun McGinty had an itchy trigger finger. Thankfully itchy trigger fingers are covered by the gunslinger union medical plan. Doc Walker gave him some pills and a cream and advised him to wear thin gloves for a few weeks. His condition significantly improved and instead of prematurely blowing away deputies and sheriffs and Marshalls, he shot them at a more reasonable and decent pace. Not that the law men ever felt like that. They felt like they were shot and bleeding out, which they did. McGinty then complained of a sore throat, but they still put a rope around it.

Frederick maintained the boiling oil over the entryway at the Duke’s castle. But he used the finest cooking oil of the kingdom, and he had a side business of making skewers of tempura, vegetables and chicken. It was quite the lucrative venture. On Thanksgiving, he would deep fry turkeys. The Duke really enjoyed deep fried turkey, and he gave Frederick a promotion. Frederick‘s assistant, then took over the oil duties, but the next Thanksgiving he forgot to thaw the turkey and when they were dropped in to the cauldron, the ice flashed to steam and scalded everyone in the tower.

When it came to jobs at the castle, a lot of the guards were jealous of Frederick. He was in charge of the night shift for the boiling oil that they could pour over enemy soldiers coming through the main entrance. with the castle being in northern Denmark, and it’s cold climate, Frederick was warm in winter while the archers on the parapets had to wrap themselves in multiple elk skins. Then the Duke remodeled the entrance to use interchangeable archers to fire through murder holes. Frederick was not so good with a bow and arrow, and he was downsized.

More and more football players are suffering the effects of multiple concussions and brain damage. Despite tougher rules and tougher helmets, weak schools and brains still end up damaged. Thankfully, there’s an endless supply of guys willing to make millions at the expense of their long-term health. Scientists look to nature for Solutions. The woodpecker has a tongue so long, it wraps around its brain while it’s bashing its head against a tree. Genetically engineering a football player with such a long tongue might be difficult, but I’m sure that the cheerleaders and the players baby mamas would approve.

Jenny saw the silver picture frames at an estate sale. There weren’t any pictures in them. Which meant the family wanted the photos but not the frames which is strange, I mean, they’re silver, but maybe they just needed the money. Or maybe they bought the frames but never got around to putting pictures in them. Or they took the pictures out to put into a photo album. Her mind raced with possibilities, telling stories and stories about stories. She bought them for really cheap, went to a jewelry store, and sold them for their silver. For a good price.

The Robo corporation releases new models every year. The latest, Trixie, is a rather versatile model that can handle most tasks. Unlike their Heather or Yoko, it can handle domestic housework, babysitting, offshore oil rig maintenance, and some surgical procedures. The Eloise, which was recalled recently, was only in limited release and despite several firmware updates, never quite could get the hang of yoga or crochet. And the less said about Cynthia, the better. When I last heard, the class action lawsuit had been settled with the victims or their families. What a nasty piece of work that Cynthia was.

A pair of Jehovah’s Witnesses girls were at the door, asking me if I wanted to go to church with them to learn about Jesus Christ. I told them that they’re at the wrong house. Jesus Christ lives next-door. They didn’t believe me, so I walked over next door with them and knocked, and Jesus opened the door and said hey. The two girls were absolutely stunned. I said hey dude. Can I get my lawnmower back? Jesus shrugged and told his voice assistant to open the garage. The girls just stood there, I went and got my lawnmower back.

Lisa Lewie Lizzie Richard Serendipidy Tom Norval Joe Planet Z The next topic is An empty cup LISA The Case of the Missing Baggage Have you seen online where someone buys unclaimed baggage and then livestreams the opening to show what they got for the money? I tried it! The gamble of Rolexes and Gucci belts or dirty pants and leaked suntan cream. My case was well travelled with a Tokyo sticker on the side. Oddly light when unpacked because it had a false bottom! Heroin: street Value in the millions. I thought that was my fortune made; except I’d livestreamed it so had to give the heroin, case and contents to the customs team that called round shortly after the video went viral. RICHARD Tokyo Drift Tokyo isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, believe me. Sure they have pedestrian crossings, trains that run on time, cherry blossoms and ramen… lots of delicious ramen. And let’s not forget the maid cafes! Those are a whole lot of fun. But there’s a downside to it also. The working hours are long and you’re obliged to do them, and you don’t get extra pay for extra time. The houses are small and prices are high, and don’t mention the traffic. Not that any of that really bothers me much. Being a Yakuza has its perks, get my drift? SERENDIPIDY The name’s evocative, isn’t it? Bullet Train. Two simple words that speak volumes. Speed and efficiency, punctuality and the striving for excellence. If I were in Tokyo; but I’m not. I’m in a quiet backwoods location, alongside a railway line; the rest of the gang are a little further along, waiting to rendezvous. And the train is no passenger express, it’s the mail train, loaded with cash and gold. I’ve changed the signal to red and the train is coming slowly to a stop. I emerge from the shadows and take aim, as the driver steps down. Bullet… meet train! LEWIE Title: Everything But the Tea “I need to grab a bottle of tea”, the tourist said. They stepped into a konbini. A selection of 30 rice balls caught their attention. After five minutes, they panicked and grabbed the only flavor they couldn’t identify, deciding to live life to its fullest and take a chance. The little store in Tokyo had a better life organization than they did. They picked up fried chicken, pudding, socks, and a phone charger. “Would you want chopsticks, a spoon, a bag, a receipt, and heating?” the cashier asked. So many questions, and overcome with a fear of forgetting something. “Yes” LIZZIE He booked a trip to Japan. He wanted to visit Kyoto, Osaka, Kobe. He wanted to just sit and enjoy the beauty of the cherry blossoms. So, he landed in Tokyo. He was hungry. He went to a street vendor and sat down to eat. And he stayed. He ate and stayed some more. The food was so good, Kyoto and everywhere else would have to wait. A few months later, he moved to Tokyo, and his life changed. Strange guys with massive tattoos hired him to be a bouncer. He’d do anything for that food, even go to jail. TOM My Woman From Tokyo Uncle Bob loved to tell tales of his time in China during the war. His job was to guard high value Japanizes prisoner. After VJ day he continues this work in Tokyo. This is how he met Iva Toguri the voice of Zero Hour, Tokyo Rose. Uncle Bob was her guard and they become good friends. When Iva was released from prison she settled in Chicago. She and my uncle remained friends until his death in 1981. He always spoke highly of her and thought the government had treated her unfairly. I think he might have had a crush on her. NORVAL JOE Pinkerton turned to Joan. “Where do you think they are?” Joan shrugged. “Last we saw, Mr. Yaan was being carried out to sea by a tornado. He’s probably halfway to Tokyo by now.” Ms. Pinkerton’s face went bright red. She snarled, “Don’t mock me.” “I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking,” Joan said, recognizing only her superpower might save them and a veil of efficiency spread around them. “Patrick and Bobby Yaan can verify this.” “Okay, bit it’s late,” Pinkerton said. “We can meet at the Yaan’s house tomorrow morning, say 9:00?” Joan nodded and shuttled Sabrina back to her car. PLANET Z Just as I was waking up and making a cup of coffee, I knew that my coworker in Japan was coming home from a night out in the Tokyo clubs. He usually left an encouraging message and a stack of code changes that I needed to test and document. However, this night there was a ransom note and a photo of a bloody finger. They wanted access to the code base, but my coworker refused to enter the password. Company policy is to notify our security team so I did. I finished my coffee, sat in my chair, and prayed.

The art institute sent out invitations to artists every year to display their works at the annual Queen’s Show. Submissions came in to the dock around the clock. The curators cataloged each piece, then the head curator would determine where it would go. To “sky” a piece meant putting it high up on a wall, while “on the line” put it at the visitors’ eyeline. The best art went into the front hall at the eyeline, while the worst went up into the sky of the backrooms. Well, the ones that didn’t disappear from the dock and into the night.

Most superpowered individuals register with their respective governments. Some governments are more open about their members than others are, but all of them hold back a few names. Whether you call them heroes or villains, it all depends on the circumstance, I guess. And some individuals prefer the vigilante track. There is no global registry, so sometimes there’s two or three records for the same person or different translations of their name. So, what you have there is Captain Cyclone from Sri Lanka, not Captain Hurricane from old New Orleans, we can bring you in peacefully or not. Your choice.

A friend of mine has been having hip problems for years. Still, she has to pick up after her husband and grandkids, because they never clean up after themselves. She’s finally gotten surgery for her hips, and they hurt like hell, but they will feel a lot better with painkillers, rest, and physical therapy. Her family got her one of those grabber arms that she can use to pick things up from her temporary walker and wheelchair. Instead, she uses it to point at things for them to pick up. And if they don’t, she whacks them with the grabber.

I put vibration sensors on my trashcan and recycling bin so I know when they have been collected. That way I can go out and wheel them back up the driveway. I set the sensors only to go off on the mornings that they’re supposed to be collected. However, if I have a late bag of trash or collection of cans to recycle, dumping them in the bin that morning will set off the sensor. The only person that bothers is me, so I should probably just disable the sensors and relax a bit. Life isn’t graded on a curve.

When I go for my walk in the morning, I can choose between turning left and turning right at the main road Left allows me to take the short path through the trees and I’m done in 15 minutes. Or I can just keep going and head out to the Main route for another 5 to 10 minutes walk. If I turn right, I can walk the path through the abandoned golf course that was turned into a park. But that takes me about 30 or 40 minutes. In the end, it’s just important that I get up and walk and get my ass moving.

Now that colleges can’t use standardized tests because they’re racist or sexist or something, they have to figure out if a student GPA of 4.7 is legitimate or just inflated bullshit from the football factory high school. This is why colleges write no refunds on the admissions form. And to add to the turnover, they gave up an offering remedial math, remedial English, and pretty much remedial everything else. The few people who managed to graduate did so with useless degrees in psychology, sociology, gender studies, race studies, and other worthless pieces of paper in the job marketplace. Society collapsed.

Lizzie Richard Serendipidy Tom Norval Joe Planet Z The next topic is Tokyo LIZZIE Dear You, Here’s an unrequested update that will cause a sudden flare-up of indigestion, I know. He took everything. The jewels, the money, even the hand-painted dishes no one liked. He did leave a rather offensive note behind that I’ll refrain from copying here. Now, how do you want to roll? Shall we hunt him down or simply ignore him? Crazy question, I know. I can hear your swearing from the future. I know your answer. I’ve gathered a team. I know where he hangs out. Meet you at the usual place. Tomorrow, midnight. Bring the meat grinder. Yours truly. RICHARD Wish you were here I was clearing out the loft. The usual rubbish collected over the years, most of it useless; some bound for charity shops, one or two items worth salvaging and the rest destined for the tip. Amongst some old newspapers, I rediscovered the relics of a childhood family holiday, including an old postcard. It was the typical British seaside affair, a cartoon of a busty babe in a bikini, buying an ice-cream. “I’d like a large one, please. I do like a good long licking!” Harmless fun, back in the day. But, I’ve no doubt, hugely offensive to modern sensibilities. TOM From the Lost Room For many years I have been on a great scavenger’s hunt. It was connected to the tv show “The Lost Room”. One of the items of the collection was a painting of an old oak tree. In the fore-ground of the painting was on odd shape stone. After much searching, I learned the oak in question had been on the U of C campus in Berkley. Figured the paint might have some source image. So, I found an old postcard from 1915 which pretty much matched the painting. Written on the card was an update about a trip to Oakland. SERENDIPIDY I was struggling with the latest Windows update. For an hour I’d watched the spinning wheel on the screen: buffering constantly, without a care in the world. I was in a hurry. I had work to do, I was up against a deadline… But the technology didn’t care and it was taking its own good time to mess me about. With each circle of the wheel I could feel my stress levels growing. This was exactly what the shrink had warned me about. I glanced at the semi-automatic at my side. Anger, or the update; which would it be? NORVAL JOE Old Doris Grindlebomb was 92 when her family took her keys away. No, they weren’t the keys to her Cadillac convertible. There was no way in hell they were gonna take those away from her no matter how blind she was. Or, blind drunk. It was the keys to piano that they took away. For 70 years, she had been the music teacher at the local elementary school, and they would’ve retired her long ago if anyone else had wanted the job. She switched to the saxophone. She was so bad at it, they gave her the piano keys back. PLANET Z Old Doris Grindlebomb was 92 when her family took her keys away. No, they weren’t the keys to her Cadillac convertible. There was no way in hell they were gonna take those away from her no matter how blind she was. Or, blind drunk. It was the keys to piano that they took away. For 70 years, she had been the music teacher at the local elementary school, and they would’ve retired her long ago if anyone else had wanted the job. She switched to the saxophone. She was so bad at it, they gave her the piano keys back.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate. The rare times his captain gave him a mission, he’d fail it miserably. But when the entire crew came down with a plague and George was the only man spared, the captain begrudgingly sent George out to obtain a rare flower to brew a tea to cure the malady. George set out that day in the longboat, landing on a tropical island. He found a clearing with many flowers, and he brought them back to the ship… too late. He made wreaths of the flowers and held many funerals.

The mayor never liked it when people called Centerville, a one traffic light town. So he had the traffic light removed and replaced with a four-way stop. And the accident rate didn’t change that much, considering that there were never any accidents in the town. You thought about putting in a traffic circle. Things that he read on the Internet said that traffic circles were safer, but it was a small intersection already and didn’t need all the ruckus to build up the traffic circle. Although putting some flowers or a flag pole in the round would’ve looked nice.

Lisa Lizzie Richard Lewie Serendipidy Tom Norval Joe Planet Z The next topic is Railing LEWIE The newspaper described John as an idiot. Frustrated, he threw the paper down in his lap. “That editor is a complete idiot,” he said. His wife, well aware of the outdated clinical classifications, asked, “How does that compare to an incomplete idiot?” John stared at her, irritated, trying to understand her point. “He called me an idiot,” he explained. “The last I checked, both you and he had PhDs.” she replied. “I don’t think that word means what you think it means.” John grumbled behind the newspaper, “As you wish”, and continued reading the article written by a complete idiot. RICHARD Qualified Opinion Correct me if I’m wrong: it seems to me that these days that to hold a position of leadership in politics, the primary qualification is to be a complete idiot. Gone are the days when integrity, honesty and the capacity to hold one’s own in a debate without resorting to crudity and insults were key qualities of one in such positions. Neither do you need to champion, listen to, or otherwise care about the people you represent. Maybe it’s time we made them wear the red noses, make-up and giant shoes, and fool around like the clowns they clearly are. LISA A Subscription Kit It’s something I can’t miss out on. The first collaboration with Lego and a subscription provider. A weekly lego delivery offering the chance to build a limited edition piece over a year. I sign up immediately. Initially, it’s reasonably priced. And then it doubles. And then the cost doubles again. And I can’t back out because although it’s only one tiny block I’m getting a month I need to finish to see the bigger picture. By Christmas I’ve built a small frame. The last issue contains a little mirror and a tube of glue. My complete idiot lego kit done. LIZZIE The ticket booth was empty. “I guess it’s free today.” When he entered the fairgrounds, a man chasing him yelled, “Ticket, ticket!” He explained that he did try to buy a ticket. The man waved his hand dismissively. “How many?” He replied, “One.” The man looked at him. “Now you must pay for two.” “Two?! Why?” “Because I say so.” Wrong answer, he thought. “Do you have a death wish?” The man blinked. “Give me one ticket.” The man gave him one ticket and charged him for two. Good thing there was a loose plank right next to the booth. SERENDIPIDY Only a complete idiot would leave their fingerprints and DNA all over the scene of a crime they’d just committed, right? Naturally, I don’t consider myself to be an idiot, so I always take particular care to avoid contaminating the scene with any evidence that might incriminate me. Paper overalls, gloves and a face mask are essential; hilariously, I employ exactly the same approach as the forensic investigators who come after me! However, you will find plenty of fingerprints and other evidence all over my handiwork. It’s stuff I’ve kept from my previous victim: call it, recycling, if you like! TOM To long a list to even index by topic. Complete idiot is my default state. Rushing head long into some enterprise way out side my skill level. I would not be so bad if it didn’t impact someone counting on the success of the final effect. Once someone ask be to build a two feq. dome in their bedroom. I used a tight grain pine, beautiful warm brown. And the miters prefect, edges chamfering. All had to do it put a clear seal, but no I decided to paint it Robin Egg blue. Yes, Complete Idiot, client rejected it. Lost major coin on that project and a second commission. NORVAL JOE Billbert held up his hands. “Now I’ve got a ring on each of my hands. No one else at school wears even one. I’ll feel like a complete idiot.” He started to pull the ring from his finger. Mandi blurted, “Don’t take it off.” Billbert’s hand, reaching for the ring, obediently dropped back to his lap. He had a sinking feeling. He stood up and exclaimed, “Does this ring make me do whatever you tell me?” She waved her hand at him. “Oh, be quiet. Of course not.” Unable to speak, Billbert mouthed the words at Mandi, “I can’t talk.” PLANET Z Saint Mathurin is the Patron Saint of Idiots. Not to be mistaken for Saint Simeon Salos, who looks after fools. He himself was not a fool, he only pretended. But between idiots and fools, there’s a difference. Not that you’d notice, being an idiot. Although Mathurin also looks after clowns, jesters, and plumbers. I’m not sure how plumbers fits in with them. They’re pretty smart, charging so much, while you’re the one standing there like a fool, staring at their asscrack as they fix a leak under the sink. Speaking of which, here’s my bill. Cash, please. I’m no fool.

Doctors called Jeremy‘s fear of sundials irrational, but he had a perfectly valid reason to fear the diabolical contraptions. His father was found speared through the heart by a sundial in the families front yard. The strange thing was, they didn’t own a sundial. Perhaps that explained how his father wandered into the thing fatally. His fear extended to other yard bound timekeeping devices, such as orreries, Astrolabes, and even more arcane mechanisms. He only had a slight aversion to classic yard decorations, such as ceramic lawn gnomes and plastic pink flamingos. He eventually moved to an urban high-rise.

Dan Hammond was the ham king of the Pacific Northwest. For years, trucks would bring pigs to his factory, and out came refrigerated trucks and rail cars full of pork products. One day, he announced a once in a lifetime opportunity for five kids to get an exclusive tour of his factory and a lifetime supply of pork products. But unlike Willy Wonka, nobody was buying up his bacon and ham and pigs knuckles and mass for the golden tickets. So his business went bankrupt and was bought by ConAgra conglomerate. Hundreds lost their jobs to automation and union busting.

Kaseem counted out the barley for the harvest and prepared a clay tablet in the frame. Poking marks into it with a reed, he noted that there were 17,000 measures of barley in the harvest. he then marked the inventory with the seventh year of the reign of King Marduk. And he signed his own name below it all to mark this inventory as official. He left the tablet out to dry, and the next day he had it sent to the regional Palace for collection, processing, and forwarding on. Marduk would be pleased with this harvest and bless them.

Under a cloak and bandages soiled by his leprosy-torn body, silver mask on his face, King Baldwin lay dying on his bed. Somehow, he had kept Jerusalem in Christian hands, but who would rally the troops like he had? His sister’s husband was a insubordinate knight. Their son was far too young, and his own former regent was far too old and exhausted to rule. An advisor suggested wrapping someone else in the bandages, cloak, and mask. “We’d wash them first, obviously,” said the advisor. The young boy took over, but soon died. And the foolish knight fell to Saladin.

Blake was a knife-thrower. He could throw any knife with deadly accuracy. Not just balanced throwing knives, like other assassins. Any knife. Even butter knives thrown by Blake were deadly. I saw him go through a whole box of plastic knives and take down an entire movie theatre full of people. “I said shush,” he said, settling back in his seat and picking up his popcorn and soda from the floor. When a priceless knife collection vanished from the museum, the police blamed Blake. But it wasn’t Blake. He didn’t need those knives. Knives need him. To kill people with.

When I was little, I wondered why the moon would fill up and then empty. And when it was full, what stuff was it full of. “It’s just how it appears,” said my mother. “The moon is full and solid, it’s just that the shadow of the earth makes it look like parts cut out from it. Only when I moved South did I realize the angle of the shadow was different in different locations. At first, it seemed a bit off, but after a while, I got used to it tipped like that. Unless it was full, of course.

Lisa Lizzie Richard Lewie Serendipidy Tom Norval Joe Planet Z The next topic is Complete idiot LISA A Family Portrait We were playing at grannies. A raucous game of ball: when it hit a frame on the mantelpiece that fell with a clatter on the floor. Nothing had broken. We all felt that relief but as I picked up the photograph I uncurled it: it had been folded to hide two more people. The mood in the room changed. The man looked like Daddy. He was set apart a bit from the others, emphasised by the crease. I wished that the glass had broken so we could pick up the pieces, so we had something else to focus on. RICHARD Brushoff I commissioned a painter to do a family portrait. It was one of those crazy, spur of the moment decisions that seemed like a good idea at the time. I thought everyone would get into the spirit of things and be totally up for the sitting, but half the family just weren’t interested. Most of those who were, changed their mind when they found out how long it would take. As for the rest, they all made excuses, and come the day, I was the only one who bothered to turn up. I got him to paint me as Superman! LIZZIE Everyone stood, side by side meekly. Four generations. The photographer tried his best, but no one smiled. Back in his studio, he decided to reinterpret the concept of a family portrait. The grandmother’s face looking like a flowerpot, no top of the head, chopped horizontally above the nose, twigs around it (each twig representing a family member). At the last minute, he added, “We are all a part of this mess.” Why? No idea why he did it. He’s still waiting to be paid. The photo, however, was sold for a million to a multi-millionaire. Nothing happens by pure chance. TOM 1044 Can’t just brush it off. The town was deadly silent. A number of white vans glided up to the center of town. Slow crews of hazmat researchers exited into windswept streets. Methodically they gather items from every structure anyone may have spent even the shortest amount of time. Numbered and bagged mountains of items were collected. After days of collection members of the sorting teams had found one object evenly distributed across the city. On further inspection the shocking truth weighed in. The objects were not of this earth, so to the death they brought. The report on the president’s deck read: Hairbrush Fever. 1045 C.L.W.P In a family someone is always the designated photo-take. A truly thankless job. And only possible if your baseline personality is sneaky. Sadly, even with the will to record your family over the year you just get wore down by the sour faces warding off the casual portrait. In my case I didn’t declare my with draw from the familial fray. So it took year before they notice a lack of Family portraits. Now the complaint were why I wasn’t sticking lens in their faces. Want to hear a secret: all photo will one day be images of dead people. SERENDIPIDY I guess it’s not your usual sort of family portrait. Certainly, you can see us all stood in a big happy group, (I’m the one at the front, in the middle), and we all have big smiles on our faces, caught just at the moment we said ‘cheese’. Of course, apart from me and my sister, you can’t tell that anyone is smiling; mainly because I’ve scratched their faces off. My sister’s next on my list, and once I’ve slit her throat, I’ll be scratching her face off too. And my smile will be even bigger than in the photo. LEWIE Title: Prompted Royalty Secret Service agents entered the studio and informed Nancy, the photographer, that someone important was about to arrive. More agents swept through the back room, upstairs, and secured the building. Snipers could be seen on a nearby roof outside the windows. The King and Queen soon arrived for a family portrait. “Where is your family?” Nancy asked. The King turned to her and said, “Probably off saving the world or something. Can’t you just Photoshop them in?” “No worries. I can use ChatGPT,” Nancy replied. “Done.” The Queen asked, “Don’t you need to take our picture first?” Nancy replied, “Nope.” NORVAL JOE Still confused after his fainting spell, Billbert muttered, “Your grandparents rings?” “Sit up,” Mandi said. Though Billbert’s head was spinning and he felt terribly weak, he was suddenly sitting. Mandi pointed to a picture on her bedroom wall. A young couple with flowers in their long hair and love beads around their necks were holding a baby. “My grandparents were hippies,” Mandi said. “They were given these rings by a Romanian fortune teller. She said that if they wore the rings faithfully, they would never fight. My mother said it was true. My grandfather always did whatever Grandma told him.” PLANET Z I used to keep a photo from my childhood on the shelf. The Salmon Seeker, a Lake Michigan salmon trolling boat my grandfather would hire now and then. He, my brother, and I in foul-weather coats, sea pants, and boots, holding up a fish rack. Everyone smiling, but me. I get sick on boats, and had vomited continuously all throughout the stormy trip. On the back of the photo, I had written “Never get on a boat again, never trust family.” Now that most of my family is dead, I’ve burned the photo, all the photos, everything from those days.

The first permanent lunar base wasn’t named after Neil Armstrong as we hoped. Instead, it was named after some Chinese God. Despite years of planning and designs and technological development, NASA got bogged down in bureaucracy and politics to the point where the Chinese sent thousands of students and researchers to universities to steal the plans and technology, and they made it work. The finger pointing went on for years in Congress and online and on news shows while money continued to pour out of NASA into illegal immigrant fraud, schemes, and paying for sodas and candy on food stamps.

Cell phone service is really gotten bad around here. The company sent me out to the tower, and I went up the ladder, clipping to the safety wire, and when I got to the top all of the antenna and modules cables are fine. But there was a big hawk nest up there. So I put a camera up there and sure enough later in the day Signal strength went into the toilet again, and right there on the camera was the hawk. And it had an identification band on one of its legs, which seems to interfere with signal.

Some people get really cool superpowers like flying or invisibility or invulnerability, but Rose always knew which direction north was. And not just magnetic north. She knew all the different norths. The map north and the magnetic north, and all the other norths. However, she couldn’t read a map for shit. She never knew where she was half the time. She pulled out her phone and bring up the map application and the GPS would find her and say there you are and she not didn’t say ok. Five minutes later, she’d be asking for directions again.. kinda useless.

I loaded up my cart with olives for the run to Caeseria. The Roman roads made the trip so much easier. “Let’s go, boy,” I said to my mule. After a morning of passing olive trees and rocks, we came to the first of the roadside crosses. Counting dozens… hundreds lining the road. “Must have been a big rebellion,” I said. I recognized a few customers among the dead. And a few fellow merchants. “I hope the market is open today,” I said. “Would be a shame to have to turn back.” And we continued down the road to Caeseria.

Mindy kept a switchblade in her purse. The walk from her office to her car in the parking garage wasn’t the best. On some nights, the lights were out. Was it a power issue? Or did someone smash the lights and hide around a corner to wait for her? Carrying mace or pepper spray could work, but masks and goggles make them ineffective. A gun? Hell no. In the end, she got a laptop and worked remotely. A few weeks later, her boss, who worked on site, got killed in a robbery. Mindy took his job. And still worked remotely.

Alarms went off almost daily in processing plant seven. It was an orbital asteroid rendering facility that had seen better days. Demoted to a training facility, instructors ran the orbital base. Sometimes the alarms were just drills, but other times the alarms were real. Either way, it was good practice for the future miners, engineers, processors, and administrators. When seven had a full blowout, the company retired the facility. They wrote off that crew, designated the next oldest facility as a training base, and launched a new processing plant for improving production volume and efficiency. Next quarter’s profits will rise.