The PNW Dog Mom

For those familiar with my story, you might surmise a little bit of the baggage I’ve been carrying with me my whole life. I’ll be sparing you the details lest I burden you with the emotional weight, and focusing on my experience + what led me there.Just prior to leaving for Arizona, where this healing retreat was held, I felt like I had a metaphorical ticking time bomb inside me, just waiting to detonate.Despite my best efforts to “self help” my way into a balanced mental state, I was continually facing despair due to my earnest desire to “be the change” I wished to see in the world - and not having those efforts reciprocated in some of my closest personal relationships.This combined with my hyper empathetic instincts and betrayal towards myself to avoid “hurting feelings” kind of led to the perfect storm of mental, emotional, and ultimately physical instability.One thing that surprised me the most when I was finally isolated from the world in the desert, no phone, no internet, no distractions from the work we were doing - was reviewing one of my journals I had brought with me, hoping for some clarity by reading words from my past.I thought that what had led me to S.T.A.R. was recent developments in my life - inauthentic relationships due to my noble efforts of being a positive influence (spoiler alert, this well meaning idea backfired miserably), instinctual habits or obligations I felt chained to.Despite my VERY strong convictions about telling my loved ones to live life on THEIR terms, abandoning any feelings of obligation & guilt shown by others for “stepping out of line”, so to speak - it turns out I haven’t been following my own advice. I came to S.T.A.R. feeling trapped in a prison made of my own decisions, with no escape due to the fear I held of letting other people down.Just earlier this month of April, I was experiencing panic attacks due to anxiety, inability to contain my emotions & a lot of hopelessness considering “healing” has been my number one priority for the past year. I thought it was all due to the decline of empathy & common sense in the U.S. brought out by this god-forsaken government, but it turns out the root cause came from a much, MUCH deeper place - one that all the self help books, YouTube videos & trauma healing modalities would have unfortunately never unpacked for me.As I mentioned, I brought along a journal that I’ve been jotting down entries in since 2019. Upon reviewing my words, I was surprised to read how unstable my mental state has actually been, all throughout the last almost DECADE. Another piece of the puzzle was my intentional skipping of processing my late husband Alex’s sudden death in 2017.After learning via lecture at the beginning of our week at STAR how deeply trauma affects you mentally & physically, things were starting to click fast.No wonder fatigue has been an issue I’ve dealt with my whole life.No wonder I don’t have memories of my early childhood.No wonder I feel the need to please others in order to receive love.No wonder betraying myself in order to build a community has caused such a disruption in my emotional state.No wonder despite living my dream life (as so stated in my journal!!), I was still not “happy.” Footnote: two things can be true. I have been very happy, and I have been very sad, angry, and empty. For many, many, many years now.Honestly, the lecture part of STAR was eye opening enough to where I thought I was able to review my life & piece together why I was feeling like such an emotional hot mess.But something you may not know, and may not even KNOW you don’t know, is how much MORE there is to processing, understanding, and overcoming your trauma. Coming to peace with it. Letting it go.It doesn’t happen in the brain.It happens in the body, and in the heart.And for some people, like myself, we’ve either been raised to avoid any expression of emotion, or “negative emotion” (ex: anger, sadness) and therefore it truly took an exhausting amount of inner & outer work with my classmates, my facilitators, and myself to unblock the emotional dam I built & fortified over 34 years in order to survive. Breaking down the barrier within my body to express emotions in the company of strangers of sadness and anger was something SO FOREIGN to me that I was a little nervous at first whether I’d even be able to do - despite my desperate desire to do so, after learning that there was a way out of my emotional prison.This is where I want to give all the kudos & gratitude towards the STAR program, my fellow STARmates, & the incredible facilitators who helped to unlock within me what I desperately needed. I won’t spoil the details of the work done inside the program, because going in to it a bit blind yet wholly receptive & open minded is what I’d recommend to anyone considering it. When you know details, you have the time to talk yourself out of it, or THINK your way out of it…and I’ve now learned that the magic happens when you stop thinking, and just do the work.Like jumping into a cold body of water, I came into this experience knowing it was not going to be pleasant, and I was going to need a LOT of encouragement & support. But I’m so glad I did.“Lose your mind…and come to your senses.”The STAR program, created by baddie diva forever hallowed be her name - Barbara - is the result of decades of research done on how our thoughts, behaviors, actions, everything - is consciously and subconsciously affected by EVERYTHING we experience since conception, birth, upbringing by our parents / caregivers.An excerpt from the STAR website here, describing the work we were led through during the process:“Along the path to your true self, you will be gently guided through cognitive exercises, integrative breathwork, emotional release work, journaling, guided imagery, intensive writing assignments, and more, all designed to reveal patterns that may directly or indirectly affect how you live today.”After attending the program and working through these exercises myself, I smile as I continue to write, because that single sentence does technically sum up what we all did together over 8 days, but it’s impossible to convey the profound enlightenment, clarity, and peace that came from my work at STAR.How do you put into words the feeling of finally understanding WHO you are, why you do the things you do (especially when those things HURT you), receiving validation for the pain you’ve carried deep in your core since childhood, the closure of finally knowing that it wasn’t your fault - and learning why & how to care for yourself & your inner child that is still within you - back in your “real” life?That’s a trick question. It’s not possible. One of the most impactful takeaways for me, that came from STAR, was about how emotions, feelings, connection, and imperfection are what make us human. They are impossible to convey via lecture, via conversation, via intellectual analysis. And that’s not a weakness.That is beautiful.In our modern times where computers are where society is driving reliance upon, occasions for authentic human connection are dwindling in favor of cheap dopamine hits compounding exponentially due to capitalism & (in my opinion) the insistance that we are sooo different from our indigenous ancestors…jumping into the deep end of the emotional & philosophical pool was the glass of water so many of our souls are thirsting for.Looking into others’ eyes, and therefore hearts, hearing their darkest fears & heartbreaks, hopes and dreams, witnessing their tears and screams and feeling our collective efforts to complete the assignments that would unveil who our innermost selves are - it was something I will never forget, in this lifetime or the next ones we will forever be experiencing.Attending the STAR program helped me to uncover my past traumas, & connect them to why I was engaging in behaviors that, however noble, were serving to poison myself from the inside out.“We are every age we have ever been.”I was guided and prompted to physiologically feel the searing, painful emotions and feelings those memories caused me, by reliving them and dissecting every part of them with the safest, kindest humans as my parachute.I was taught to recognize and release those physical emotions from my body, in order to keep them from taking over & driving the car that is my life - and to prevent them from being bottled up so deeply within me. You don’t want to do that. Trust me. They will find a way to come out some way….and it likely won’t be in a way that serves you.I was taught to recognize the different parts of my psyche, the good and bad. And how this is also the beauty of our humanity, and how we have the power within to acknowledge and refrain from affirming the harmful parts of us we all contain. And how we are not defined by them, no matter how it feels.We learned the importance of creativity, curiosity, wonder, and play.We practiced using our newfound skills in scenarios we’d likely experience when back in the “real” world, with our new friends to help us test out new phrases, actions, and choices aligned with the people we now want to be.We received encouragement & recognition for our sorrows & struggles that led us each to STAR, & found support from strangers that re-instilled in me some hope for humanity.I learned how being true to myself & doing what I need to feel loved & in alignment is no one else’s responsibility but my own, and how that’s actually a beautiful thing to fight for.I was guided through ways to let go of past & present injustices I’ve faced, to relinquish guilt or responsibility for the habits I’ve held as a means of emotional survival.We learned how everything we learned was just the beginning, albeit a foundation I wish every human on Earth could build for themselves.Now as I begin anew, truly feeling reborn & at peace with what I’ve learned & with motivation to move forward by protecting my inner child, I know there will still be many more challenges to face. There will be new scenarios & relationships to test me, and I’m going to have to truly practice communicating & enforcing my emotional boundaries without shame. My relationships with certain people will be changed forever, & they’ll never be able to understand why (unless they choose to go through STAR themselves!) - and that’s simply not my problem.Although it was for good reason, I’ve spent the last year emotionally investing in humans who don’t fill my heart the way that I need, and now I know that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me.I now understand the full extent of the baggage I’ve been carrying with me, consciously and subconsciously, and by processing it and finally feeling it - I have released it from my heart.I now know how important it is to have relationships with people who understand me, make me feel safe, and allow me to express the full extent of who I am in order for me to flourish in this life.I know now to release judgements of others due to just how absolutely innate our behaviors & actions can be as a result of our past traumas. But I also know now that it’s not my responsibility to put myself in the receiving end of those who don’t know any better.I thought I knew this before, after dealing with the loss of my soulmate at such a young age in a traumatic way, but life is too short to harbor such pain and responsibility for others’ happiness.All we can do is focus on ourselves, and by understanding ourselves and the duty we have to our inner children, we can become a force of positive change in this world.A side effect of this realization is that I felt a slow digestion of understanding that it is not my duty to force others to realize the pain and suffering they are placing upon others due to their ignorance, biases, and ingrained harmful worldviews.Since my identity has grown to include the passion for activism and raising awareness for how severely the political environment of our country has been increasingly affecting me and my loved ones, I’ll admit that I’m currently uncertain how to proceed now knowing that such a large part of my identity is, ultimately, something I now know triggers me far more than I ever thought - and therefore is a harmful area for me to spend my precious time focusing on.This is a nuanced topic, and something that doesn’t require an answer or explanation past this at this time. But it is an interesting development as our country continues to fracture.Before attending STAR, I had been grappling with the question of whether my purpose in life was to help enlighten others & procure empathy in those who may not have been reached due to my very random assortment of life experiences, and therefore some authority to speak on certain topics that are relevant in the lens of “America Today”…but after STAR & experiencing the beauty of life when lived among others who “get it,” feel safe to be myself around, and are equally passionate about continually evolving into their authentic, mature, loving selves………I think I know what my answer is now.I’m still uncertain what the future holds, but now I have a compass I trust.I plan to invest even MORE time and energy into exploring who I am as an artist, spending more time on play, figuring out how to find humans who show love the way I long for, and who have a passion of their own for introspection, philosophy, and living life to the fullest. And now I know how to set boundaries along the way.To end this piece, I’ll spell it out for you in case it wasn’t yet clear - I cannot recommend attending the STAR healing retreat enough. It changed my life, and very well could be what saved my life moving forward. I’m not sure if the world will ever know the full extent of the darkness I’ve carried within, that I shared pieces of with my STARmates, but it has been heavy.If any of this information has resonated with you and your story, I encourage you to trust the process and attend a STAR retreat on your own. I’ve seen now the difference it makes to receive curated, 1 on 1 guided trauma support and processing compared to general self help books & methods - those are like trying to place a bandaid on an amputated limb.In order to introduce feeling back into your heart safely, to dissect, work backwards & determine the root of the pain - it takes a group of VERY special people, holding your hand through a very special & intense process that will take a LOT of work and introspection.And I can without a doubt, say that STAR is an incredible way to do it. ❤Signing off until next time, angels.🦋 E.S. ‍Thank you so much for taking the time to witness my work ✨ I would love if you joined me in this journey by subscribing to these broadcasts on this platform.The main distribution channel for My Work is via my website, on thepnwdogmom.com. You’ll find human apparel, dog hoodies, and fine art prints available for collection beginning February 14, 2026.To receive email updates about DBDM & other works, you can join my mailing list on my website, or via this link.If this piece made you think, I’d appreciate if you shared it on a platform of your choice or sent it to a loved one directly to raise awareness of My Work.I encourage you to check out my work on the platforms below & subscribe to the channels that resonate most. ✨Shop human clothing, dog hoodies, & fine art prints at thepnwdogmom.comApple PodcastsSpotify PodcastsTikTokInstagramPinterest This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thepnwdogmom.substack.com

As I’ve grown more confident in my understanding of the world & of the way every single thing is connected - when I came across the term “artist of consciousness” (I’ll admit, I don’t recall where I came across this term, but it clearly resonated with me)It felt like the appropriate title for myself, and to encompass my work & vision.Let’s set the scene.Erase everything you thought you knew about the modern world, the concepts of “good” and “bad,” the expectations that have been placed upon you by society, family, religion, & the monetary definition of “success.”Science, physics, and philosophy have shown us that every action (or thought) has the power to affect reality.When you look back at your own life, I’ll bet you can draw the lines between the butterfly effect of a decision you made or action you took that changed your life forever - whether you expected it or not.Stay with me here -The last idea I want to share with you about the idea of “consciousness” is one that will really turn all you knew on it’s head, especially if you’ve been programmed with a traditional religion as your way to understand “life.”The thing is, we’re all little bits of the one consciousness.There isn’t really a man up in the sky, pulling the strings - punishing some people for doing “wrong” and bestowing others with salvation because they lived the “right” way.We are all the universe. The saints, the janitors, the convicts, the animals, the wind, the earth.And when you understand that we each hold the power to use our own mindset, and therefore actions, to influence the environment & interactions with others around you - you might realize that you have a lot more power to change the world than you might think.Have you ever received a random compliment from a stranger & it sparked something lovely in your heart? They were an artist of consciousness, influencing your state of mind & perhaps inspiring you to also spread some cheer by way of a compliment.Have you (like myself) been influenced by the atrocities happening currently (and that have been happening since the dawn of humanity…..but that’s a rabbit hole for another day.. but I’ll give you a hint - patriarchy!)and as a result fallen down into a pit of despair? Yeah, I know that’s putting it lightly.Unfortunately, even the billionaires & corrupt people in power are also artists of consciousness.I hope I’m getting my point across while trying to simplify these concepts as much as I can.The funny thing about language is that when you become more open minded about words, you begin to realize the importance about not taking things so literally. You might begin to understand that things written in the Bible, religious preachings - can also be taken as allegories, and metaphorical stories meant to bestow certain mindsets. Not facts. Not literal historical occurrences.So the moral of THIS story is - we are ALL artists of consciousness.We are all parts of a greater consciousness, we are all interacting with our world which is also parts of the same greater consciousness, and this cause & effect of everything happening simultaneously across our universe is this greater consciousness evolving.When Shakespeare said “All the world’s a stage”, it’s the same concept. All of us are actors in this play, but unlike what your parents, your peers, your church, modern society, & your habits have ingrained in you - you have the ability to walk your own path. You can change what you’re doing and who you are any time. You can live your life on your terms.This doesn’t have to mean crazy examples that may be coming to mind.It can mean dressing a way that may be a little funky. It can mean listening to different music. It can mean smiling at strangers instead of ignoring them. It can mean not using social media, making friends with elderly, volunteering at a mutual aid organization, or boycotting a group that’s causing harm to others.It can mean choosing not to continue to be a part of the religion you were raised with, it can mean dyeing your hair crazy colors, it can mean marching to the beat of your own drum.By making small tweaks in the way you live - embracing things YOU like and that give YOU peace and joy - you will be living as an artist of consciousness, too.The art (your life) that you create is up to you. Your art will influence others whether you realize it or not. Your art will influence how you feel about yourself whether you believe it or not. Your art has power. The way you live has power.As someone who has grown up with many, many unconventional and non traditional experiences and mindsets programmed & deprogrammed out of me, and someone who has lived through the unexpected death of a spouse at a young age, and someone who spent all of 2025 trying to understand how the US is where it is now - being a self proclaimed artist of consciousness & sharing my explanation of it is how I am empowering myself to make change while still soaking up every bit of happiness and love I am lucky enough to experience - guilt free.Because terrible things ARE happening. And I’ll be vulnerable, because the world could use more of it - the hurt & sorrow that our corrupt government is inflicting upon myself & my loved ones drove me to a very unstable place that made me feel like there was only one way out.My unexpected response to this feeling of being cornered is to take my power back, and to zoom out to look at the whole picture. I may be just one particle of the collective consciousness, but the action I take could have the domino effect of spreading positive change.So I will take my privilege of having the ability to receive inspiration from source & produce my physical artworks in order to financially support myself to further distribute My Work. I do not take the ability for granted, whatsoever.The surface level explanation for My Work is creating “cool dog mom merch” and “pretty affirmation posters” - but if you read between the lines, My Work (and yours) is the way I do everything - the words I write, the way I dress, the way I interact with anyone I meet, the choices I make - all of these things combined create the fabric of the reality I live. It may not make the horrors stop. But I can die at peace, knowing I did what I could.To finish, I’ll share a message that came to my mind out of the ether:if all the world’s a stagethen i’ll create a realitywhere i will be able to play the part that Iwant to playI am the alchemistPeace & Love,E.S.Thank you so much for taking the time to witness my work. ✨ If this piece made you think, I’d appreciate if you shared it on a platform of your choice or sent it to a loved one directly to help my mission of resistance through my art works ✨I encourage you to check out my work on these platforms to see if maybe my other projects strike your fancy, too 💖Shop human clothing, dog hoodies, & fine art prints at thepnwdogmom.comApple PodcastsSpotify PodcastsTikTokInstagram This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thepnwdogmom.substack.com