The Smell of Music

Ladies love him, men fear him. For tonight's episode, our own Dirty Deacon takes us on a quick ride through five of the more insufferable missteps in Michael Bolton's career. Unbeknownst to the rest of us, Blake Collier has amassed a frightening file of Bolton knowledge (and not in the ironic hipster way). Join us, as we hop on the Blake bus for a bumpy ride through Bolton's entire 40 year career. We may just find us the worst song ever recorded.

Tonight, we venture where few dare as we wade in the shallow end of a vast and endless ocean of musical compositions. For #TSOM23, we discuss on-hold music. We are joined on this episode by the talents of Eli Sanchez from the YellowCity Podcast of Amarillo, TX, which aims to tell the stories of Amarillo, uncenscored and unfiltered. So, get ready to be here a while as the TSOM panel put your life on hold.

For tonight's episode, a special treat to wet your whistle. We present our first official TSOMposium. If you're not familiar with a symposium, in Ancient Greece, Plato and his boys would spend all night drinking and listening to poetry. While that'd be cool, we set the bar much lower tonight. As always, we're pursuing the worst music ever, but tonight, we're pairing it with the very poorest sampling of beer we could find which, frankly, led to some pretty miserable findings. So, belly up to the bar, pour a cold one, and immerse yourself in some of the worst sounds and suds on earth.

In celebration of Holy Week here at TSOM, we found it fitting to celebrate our Bible Belt roots, get drunk on the Holy Spirit, and find the worst children's gospel records ever recorded. The history of gospel music targeting children goes back long before "Jesus Loves Me," but the modern spectrum of these recordings has taken on some disastrously turns for the worst. This small assortment gives us a brief, but varied survey of children's gospel music of the modern age. As much as we tried to find it in our broken selves the ability to forgive them, we simply couldn't.

Happy Leap Year Birthday to the great Ja Rule, who turns 40 this year on February 29th. Rare is the occasion we can sit down and celebrate a leaping musician's birthday so, naturally, we had to do it. Before Ja became a big movie star or reality TV celebrity, he was a top-selling, no-good, foul-mouthed rapper. Tonight we explore his four worst recordings from his rapper career. Despite attempts to contact Ja to celebrate this birthday with him, we are unfortunately left to celebrate it on our own. Happy Birthday, Ja. We're praying for you.

Valentine's Day is right around the corner and, for this episode, the TSOM panel readies their playlist in pursuit of the worst hip hop slow jams of all time. The slow jam, "ballad," or "hip hop love song" has been a mainstay in hip hop ever since raucous and rowdy LL Cool J shed his rough veneer to record "I Need Love" in 1987. It showed a vulnerable LL getting in touch with his sensitive side and resonated wildly with a new audience and proved hip hop's ability to jump into new audiences and markets. From there, labels leaned into this new opportunity to seize marketshare. The results varied and, here, we dive toenail polish first into six especially painful examples of the ballads gone wrong.

For this episode, the TSOM panel prepare for the AFC and NFC Championship games with a critical listen to the 1990-something Deion Sanders record, Prime Time. Long, drivelous, and completely self-indulgent, Prime Time marks a day and age where athletes were making risky and daring moves with their careers off the field and the lure of making music was real. But, so then, was the lack of talent and creative vision. Deion's foray into music is a paralyzing and mind-numbing listen. We're joined by the wonderfully talented Clint Carroll to play Monday morning quarterback with one of the more unfortunate athlete-recorded albums in the history of modern music.

To start off 2016, we decided to reward you, our listener, with a pick. A Walla Walla, WA pick asked how come it's taken so long for a "Rap Rock" episode. Naturally, we took this as a challenge. But because we were so damn busy searching for higher ground in Missouri or shoveling snow in West Texas, we consulted the talents of Californian Sean Duregger of Screamcast and AXPX (Armchair Philosopher) podcasts to guide us through his worst Rap Rock songs of all time. The sounds contained herein are the result of his search which, apparently, took him into some really dark places in his history. This episode brought to you by star tattoos and JNCO.

By design, hosting a New Year's Eve party can be a long-winded affair. There'll be drinking, it'll last until at-least midnight, and no one has to work in the morning so there's no hurry to leave. For that reason, TSOM built the ultimate party-ending playlist to end the night without being an ungracious jerk of a host. So, put on some comfy house shoes, turn it up, and watch them flock for the out-door. These songs will guarantee you a good night's sleep after clearing the house of all drunk party-goers. TSOM, tonight, is joined by the incomparable Sarah After Midnight.

For this episode, TSOM helps you ring in the most wonderful time of year with the First Ever Mistletoejam. Destined to be an annual event, the TSOM Panel brings for discussion four truly intolerable Christmas recordings.

For this episode, TSOM remembers the late Texas rap legend DJ Screw, who died 15 years ago this month, leaving behind a legacy that is still felt in today's rap scene. Unfortunately, he also left behind a legion of wannabes and imitations. Tonight, we screw ourselves by exposing our eardrums to four of the most difficult screwed and chopped recordings. So fill your cup with some of that purple drank, take tomorrow off, and join us for the worst screwed records not from DJ Screw.

For this episode, the TSOM panel gets pummeled by a five fingered death punch of metal. They are joined by Jeremiah Wehler who speaks fluent metal. In fairness to the genre, we understand that finding five songs that truly capture the worst of the metal genre is a lofty goal. For this reason, we are currently contemplating further chapters to make sure we are doing our due diligence in our journey. All in due time, our dear friends. One can only endure so much at once.

For this episode, the TSOM panel search deep and wide, and sift through hours of terrible mashups to bring you the five worst mashups we could find. A “mashup” is when elements from multiple songs (typically vocals from one and instrumental from another) are mixed together to create a new song. Different from a “remix,” the mashup is largely absent of any original material or artistry and relies almost solely on the creations of other musicians. They were brought to popularity by the work of Danger Mouse, who nearly a decade ago, mixed the vocals from Jay-Z’s Black Album with the chopped up elements from the Beatles’ White Album to create, cleverly, the Grey Album. But, alas, not everyone is Danger Mouse. So, we present to you, our five worst mashups. Guest Carl from Impossible to Say (now defunct) joins us. To hear more, visit thesmellofmusic.substack.com

The TSOM panel inundate themselves with selections of the worst music recorded by young children (12 or less-ish). Borderline references abound in the episode and not just from the tracks themselves. Every type of music is covered here from 90s country to yodeling to late-stage R&B and yet we try to decipher what truly makes a child artist bad, not merely immature in their musical experience. Needless to say, TSOM has no shame in taking down these “yutes” a notch and giving them a good talking to. To hear more, visit thesmellofmusic.substack.com

For this episode, the TSOM panel venture deep into the stinky world of Butt Rock, which gets its name from the radio stations that support it, claiming to play "nothing but(t) rock." As it would turn out, three quarters of the panel sound fairly well-versed on their Butt Rock, making for compelling 30-ish minutes of, often, painful admissions and uncomfortable soul searching. So, journey with us through the bowels of Butt Rock, in what might be our most painful hemorrhoidal experience yet. To hear more, visit thesmellofmusic.substack.com

For this episode, the TSOM panel get their soul flattened by Chip Davis, creator of Mannheim Steamroller with the worst from Chip Davis and that classic Mannheim Sound. From his young days as an entrepreneur using his gifts for advertising jingles to his more ambitious creations under the wildly successful Mannheim Steamroller name, we have selected three of the disheartening Chip Davis compositions to help celebrate his 68th birthday (9/5). Happy birthday, Chip! To hear more, visit thesmellofmusic.substack.com

For this episode, the The Violent Ambassador, the Foolish Professional, the Thunderous Beggar, and the Erratic Assassin are joined by Unkut.com's Robbie Ettelson who has brought with him four selections he picked from the Wu Tang catalog (including extended affiliates) that he believes represent the very worst from the Wu in our Steamy Pile of Wu Show. It's really steamy and truly stinky. To hear more, visit thesmellofmusic.substack.com

For this episode, the TSOM panel are joined by the wonderfully elegant Matthew Linder as they search out the worst recordings by fictional artists. Spawned by a brainstorm that involved doing an entire episode on the California Raisins, it turns out the California Raisins were way too damn talented for this show. Tonight, we're joined by ghosts, aliens, monsters, an evangelizing rabbit, and, naturally, Jenna Elfman. No singing fruits or vegetables and, sorry, no MC Skat Kat. To hear more, visit thesmellofmusic.substack.com

For this episode, digs deep into the seedy underworld of tribute-to records. Tribute-tos have become common in the modern musical space because it allows nameless musicians to re-record popular favorites to make a fair living. They are joined graciously by friend of the show, Clint Carroll from Episode #1. As a change for this evening show, Jeff decides to surprise our panel with his selections as, normally, they would've had an opportunity to listen to them beforehand. This leaves our panel generally speechless and dumbfounded. Enjoy. To hear more, visit thesmellofmusic.substack.com

For this episode, the crew dares to listen to multiple selections from the Psychopathic Records catalog with a specific focus on the recordings of Insane Clown Posse. They are joined graciously by a gentleman named Nemo, who is a contributor and writer at Faygoluvers.net, a fan site devoted to all things Psychopathic. He brought four songs that he believes represents the very worst of the Psychopathic catalog. Faygo is a midwestern soda that has been popularized by Insane Clown Posse against the wishes of Faygo. It's customary at ICP shows that members of the crew will shower the crowd in multiple flavors of Faygo. We're pretty sure it's not as good as Dr. Pepper. To hear more, visit thesmellofmusic.substack.com

The panel suffers through some of the truly worst patriotic music ever recorded and invite you to join them in their suffering. To hear more, visit thesmellofmusic.substack.com

For this episode, the crew takes three selections from Hulk Hogan’s 1995 release “Hulk Rules” and subjects themselves to the atrocity of this record. They are joined by Clint Carroll, who is sickeningly well-versed on the record as well as other albums recorded by wrestling stars. He is an old friend of TSOM’s Jeff. He met him searching for a CD at a music store back in 2001. To hear more, visit thesmellofmusic.substack.com

Our journey begins. To hear more, visit thesmellofmusic.substack.com