The Story of Heidelberg

Elmer gets some storytelling help from three anonymous witnesses – Ludvig, Dominic, and Gary. Heidelberg reels from an explosion that burns two of their own. The Allies join forces with terrorists to take down a greater evil. Milo and Ilsa take advantage of the chaos and hatch a plan.Download the full transcript. 

Elmer puts a bow on our report with the post-Heidelberg lives of our surviving characters.

It’s show day. Klaus stresses about last minute arrangements and executions. Meanwhile, Herman meets his hero, and Carter enforces his wristband-only policy. The spies make one last ditch effort to hit their target. Download the full transcript. 

A new Obersturmbannfuhrer rules shakily over an unstable Heidelberg. A death in the camp sparks vengeance from a dangerous group. The spies catch a break with the return of an old partner. Klaus deals with National Socialist Healthcare.   Download the full transcript.

With a certain special guest now firmly set on seeing the show, Klaus’s mental fortitude wears thin – and he turns to self-medication. Felix and Maximilian develop a surprising bond. Ernestine suspects insurgence. The afflictions grow worse.Download the full transcript. 

Elmer shotguns a beer and deep dives into the origin story of Finance Minister Carter Newport. Later, tumult at the camp has Klaus’s father doubting the progress of their production, so he sends a theater critic in to review – and a rather famous one at that. Carter and Ernestine have a few visitors themselves who have chosen to invest in their new financial venture. Meanwhile, the camp experiences some notorious, familiar…afflictions. Download the full transcript. 

With the new Camp Commandant at the helm, Klaus considers his future at Heidelberg. Meanwhile, Mrs. Ullengaard and her partner make a stunning discovery about the enemy. Restrictive protocol measures with the same name as a famous a Hollywood actor are enacted. A deadly theater game is played.Download the full transcript. 

The German Army has been losing, and the Nazi high-command believes it could be coming from a leak – in Heidelberg. To evaluate, Klaus’s brother Major Felix Schnoodlenoodle, “Ze Falke,” is sent in. Download the full transcript. 

Elmer explores the origins of Prisoner Maximilian Epstein – the camp’s lone quadruple threat. Later, Klaus holds auditions for an ambitious new musical and is wowed by a performance. Mademoiselle Ernestine Fluff, the Camp Clown, holds a financial brain trust meeting to boost camp capital, where Finance Minister Carter Newport has an idea. Mrs. Ullengaard makes an important discovery.Download the full transcript. 

Mrs. Anna Ullengaard begins her mission at Heidelberg, where she is ushered in by Camp Commandant Obersturmbannfuhrer Klaus Schnoodlenoodle – the eccentric son of the right-hand man to Joseph Goebbels at the Propaganda Ministry. As she meets a few guards and prisoners and learns of the theatrical history of the camp, Klaus himself learns of some devastating news. Meanwhile, the arrival of a new prisoner sends shockwaves through the camp.Download the full transcript. 

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CHAPTER 1 - CHAPTER 1 ENTRANCE SONGMUSIC AND VOCALS BY BEN CAPLANLYRICS BY HUNTER KLEIN-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Uh funf, Uh sechs, Uh funf-sechs-sieben-achtHeidelbergWhere Every PrisonerHeidelbergIs a theater prisonerHeidelberg/It’s a drama! Heidelberg/POW Camp!Heiiiiiiiiidelberg.It’s Drama, Entertainment, and Liberal Arts For ze prisoners we corral!At ze end of ze year, we do our production,To boost SS morale! Vat’s important, at Heidelberg Camp,It’s theater that we choose! (or you die!)It’s Entertainment, Camp DetainmentSo yes, you’ll see some Jewwwwwssssss… (Shield your eyes!)HeidelbergZe express purpose,Heidelberg,Is a theater purpose,Heidelberg/It’s a drama!Heidelberg/Nazi War Camp!Heiiiidelberg.Heidelberg!/We are Nazis!Where Every Prisoner Heidelberg!/We are thespians too!Is a theater prisoner, Heidelberg/It’s a drama!Heidelberg/POW Camp!Heiiiiiidelberg. Heiiiiiidelberg. Heiiiiiiiiiiiil Hitler!

CHAPTER 2 - CHAPTER 2 ENTRANCE SONG AND RECAPMUSIC AND VOCALS BY BEN CAPLANLYRICS BY HUNTER KLEIN-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------HeidelbergWhere Every PrisonerHeidelbergIs a theater prisonerHeidelberg/It’s a drama!Heidelberg/POW Camp!Heiiiiiiiiidelberg.ObersturmbunnfuhrerSchnoodleNoodleHas his 3 month Passover plan,Ilsa Von Hammerstein’s mad at Milo,For not killing Uncle Sam (vat a douche!)Our hero Grandma Ullengaard,Is fighting for our cause.The dawn was darker, but she found a partner,Herman never found his swastiKAAAA!!! (where is it? I don’t know! HEY!)Heidelberg!There’s no resilience,Heidelberg Like Maximilian’sHeidelberg!/He’s a spy too!Heidelberg!/If you forgot zat!HeiiiidelbergHeiiiiidelbergHeiiiiiiil Hitler!!!!!!!

CHAPTER 2 - HAIL, HAIL PHARAOHMUSIC, LYRICS AND VOCALS BY BEN CAPLAN-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------When my father died, the pharaoh before.He gave me one command. He said to me, “Son, it’s your turn to rule And rule you must with an iron hand.” So I took his words And took them to heart. Enslaving the Jews Is how I did my part Now each way you look a pyramid grows As giant and pointy as each Jewish nose. Hail, hail Pharaoh our king. Kiss, kiss his glorious ring. Each, each, Egyptian will choose The leader of us and enslaver of Jews I consider myself quite good at my work.I’m powerful, but fair. (He’s so fair!) I listen to all of the Hebrew’s complaints, Then order the guards throw them out by their hair! They whine, “We can’t carry These bricks. It’s genetic! We’re lazy and weak And not very athletic.” So to all of the Jews, I give them this tip It’s do what I say or here comes the whip! Hail, Hail, Pharaoh the great All the Hebrews, we hate. They’re lazy, we all can agree! But you get what you pay for when labor is free. Oh oh oh, is it hard to be the Pharaoh? No no no, so long as you keep your focus narrow: Build your empire using slaves Work them into early graves. And as long as they’re not underfoot Then everything will be ser güt! Now Moses approaches with all his demands To let his people go He threatens Egyptians with all kinds of plagues But I think it’s garbage, and so I say “No.” The Hebrews may thinkThat they’ll overtake me But there is no number of Plagues that will break me And if they keep up this behavior so vile! It’s not just their babies I’ll drown in the Nile! Hail, Hail, Pharaoh our God All his words we applaud Oh, obey him you must! And if you do not, he will turn you to dust! Though Moses supposes I’ll set the Jews free, It will not be long ’til he’s bowing down to me! 

CHAPTER 3 – CHAPTER 3 ENTRANCE SONG AND RECAP3MUSIC AND VOCALS BY BEN CAPLANLYRICS BY HUNTER KLEIN-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------HeidelbergWhere Every PrisonerHeidelbergIs a Theater PrisonerHeidelberg (It’s a Drama!)Heidelberg (POW Camp!)HeiiiiiidelbergAuditions at ze camp for ze Pharaoh role,Put Max and Milo at odds,Jealous suspicion led to Milo’s decision,To help Herman Hamburgers’ cause We heard of Max’s, love and loss,Ze taking of Marmalade (with some sex!)Und Ze finance plan, to help American brands,Got Carter out of his cage!!!!!! (Ze US did deals with the Nazis? YEAH!)Heidelberg!Our heroes inspiring…Heidelberg!Found Klaus’s diary!Heidelberg! (It’s a clue to!)Heidelberg! (SchnoodleNoodle!)Heiiiiiiidelberg.Heiiiiiiidelberg.Heiiiiiilll Hitler!!!!!

CHAPTER 3 – A-LAD-IN AN SS UNIFORM (A WHOLE NEW REICH)MUSIC BY JOHN PREATORVOCALS BY ROBERT JOHNSTONLYRICS BY HUNTER KLEIN-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I can show you ze Reich,Strong and handsome, with biggggg hands,Blond and blue-eyed, its bulging pecs burst through his Nazi garb.We make eyes at ze bar,Giant biceps, those new lands,We share a Hofbrau, and laugh and dance, I call my mom to say,It’s a Whole New Reichhhhh!”A New World Order in my bed,It came and laid me down,Made my Lebens-raum!And then I went downtown…“To a Whole New Reichhhhhh!”A place for Hitler and his friends!Everyone’s cool and tall!No Jews at all!And now I’m in a whole New Reich with you…Now I’m in a Whole New REICHHH!!I wake up in his bed (Fredericks: What is this song about?)I turn over, he’s notttt there.I bawl my eyes out, the same old song and dance,Until I see!A Whole New Reich!! (Fredericks: Is ze Reich like a guy?)Holding coffees in his big hands (Schulze: He just said it got coffees )No it’s not Weimar Law!Or Alcohol!Yes mom this new Reich has got it all……… (Schulze: Zese are weird lyrics)There’s no way this new Reich’s gonna fall.

CHAPTER 4 - CHAPTER 4 ENTRANCE SONG AND RECAPMUSIC AND VOCALS BY BEN CAPLANLYRICS BY HUNTER KLEIN-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------HeidelbergWhere Every PrisonerHeidelbergIs a Theater PrisonerHeidelberg (It’s a Drama!)Heidelberg (POW Camp!)Heiiiiiidelberg.Obersturmbunnfuhrer’s Diary Breach,Led to serious German loss,To fix ze leakage, they sent Brother Felix,To lend some gravitas.But after inspection of Heidelberg Camp,It’s Klaus he stood against,His brother’s hurting, and with camp clown Ern-stine,It’s definitely sexually tense!!!! (I hope we find out why HEY!)Heidelberg! Will Max and Grandma?Heidelberg!Uncover Felix Plan now!Heidelberg! (He’s a stage man!)Heidelberg! (He’s an RH man!)    Heiiiiiiidelberg!Heiiiiiiidelberg!Heiiiiiiil Hitler!!!!!!

CHAPTER 4 - SUMMER DAYS DRIFTIN’ AWAY (IN BETWEEN THE WORLD WARS OF THE REICH)MUSIC BY JOHN PREATORVOCALS BY CANNING ROBB AND ROBERT JOHNSTON LYRICS BY HUNTER KLEIN-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mademoiselle Ernestine: Summer lovin.’ Had me a blast.Felix: Summer Lovin.’ Happened so fast.Mademoiselle Ernestine: I met this German boy, crazy for me.Felix: I met zis tiny clown, cute as could be.Mademoiselle/Felix: Summer Days! Driftin’ Away! In between, the World Wars of the Reich! Grandma Ullengaard: Tell me more, tell me more. Did he keep things unseen?CHORUS OF SOLDIERS: Tell me more! Tell me more! Was she almost so mean!Felix: SHUT UP! SHUT UP!Felix: Jesus Christ, I’m doing an interview here!Fredericks: I’m sorry, it’s just, Mademoiselle Ernestine was doing one earlier, and it seems to really sync up rhythmically with the one you’re doing now!Schulze: Yeah, and lyrically.Felix: Vell I don’t care! Everyone get back to work!Felix: [to Grandma] Anyway, Mrs. Ullengaard. About my brief affair with Mademoiselle Ernestine when she was an exchange student at my greaser high school...Mademoiselle/Felix: [perfectly harmonized] Summer days...Fredericks: See I bet you this harmonizes with Ernestine’s!Mademoiselle:/Felix: “Driftin’ away, In between, the World Wars of the REICH!”

CHAPTER 5 - CHAPTER 5 ENTRANCE SONG AND RECAP (EDM Mix)MUSIC AND VOCALS BY BEN CAPLANLYRICS BY HUNTER KLEIN-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Heidelberg Where Every PrisonerHeidelbergIs a Theater PrisonerHeidelberg (It’s a Drama!)Heidelberg (POW Camp!)Heiiiiiiiiidelberg.Milo stumbled into our grandma’s world,To her and Maximilian’s cause,With Felix ze head-he made ze camp more deadly,By bringing in Jude Laws (not ze actor!)They did some improv, it wasn’t great,So awkward they were shot, (I can’t watch!)But Klaus uncovered, his Falcon brother’s,Theatrical Terrorist Plot!!!! (He also fucked the clown, HEY!)HeidelbergYou get what you pay for!HeidelbergWhen you’re a Rita Hayworth!Heidelberg (They’re aggressors)Heidelberg (Theater-obsessors)Heiiiiiiidelberg!Heiiiiiiidelberg!Heiiiiiiil Hitler!!!!!!

CHAPTER 5 - LENI RIEFENSTAHLMUSIC AND VOCALS BY BEN CAPLANLYRICS BY HUNTER KLEIN-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Leni Riefenstahl-stahl-stahl,She’s got it all-all-all,Who do I call-call-callFor Leni Riefenstahl-stahl-stahlI’m up ze wall-wall-wall,For zis Nazi doll-doll-doll,Oh Lord, I’ve fall-fall-fallFor Leni Riefenstahl-stahl-stahlWOP, oooooo,I met a girl named Riefenstahl, tonight!And mama, she’s the one for me (I met her at the NSDAP)It was the Triumph of My Will tonight, ooooAH!When I asked if she was free (she looked me in the eye and she told me)You’re cruisin’ for a heartbreak, boy (oh boy!)Are you a Nazi man? (oh man! Oh man!)Girl I’m the Lusitania…And I think I’ll sink if we don’t DANCE! 7-8!Leni Riefenstahl-stahl-stahl!She’s got it all-all-all!Who do I call-call-callFor Leni Riefenstahl-stahl-stahlI’ll bite and claw-claw-clawAt her beck and call-call-callI’m tellin y’all-y’all-y’allIt’s Leni Riefenstahl-stahl-stahlIt’s Leni Riefenstahl-stahl-stahlLeni RiefenstahhhhhhhhlMrs. Riefenstahl-stahl-stahl, WOO!

CHAPTER 5 - WE'RE BREAKING FREEMUSIC BY JOHN PREATORVOCALS BY CANNING ROBB AND ROBERT JOHNSTONLYRICS BY HUNTER KLEIN-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------We’re soarin’Flyin’There’s not a man in Egypt that we can’t flee.If we’re tryin’ So we’re breaking free.They told us he was Pharaoh,They told us he would tear you and me apart,But you and big bro Aaron,We knew Hebrew heartAnd now we stand on desert sand,Past a parted sea…WE’RE BREAKING FREE! Soarin! Flyin! There’s not a slave in Egypt that we can’t free! We’re Reclining!Yeah we’re breaking free,Matzah making spree…Torah!Diaspora!To- 

CHAPTER 5 - HITLER, KLAUS, IS COMING TO TOWNMUSIC BY JOHN PREATORVOCALS BY CANNING ROBBLYRICS BY HUNTER KLEIN-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------You better watch out,You better nein cry,You better eat kraut I’m tellin’ you why!Hitler Klaus is coming to town!Hitler Klaus is coming to town!Hitler Klaus is cominggggg to town….He’s making a list,Checking it zveice,Gonna find out who’s Nazi or Scheisse!Hitler Klaus is coming to town!Hitler Klaus is coming to town!Hitler Klaus is cominggggg to town….He strikes you when you’re sleeping,Just ask Russia, und ze West, (zose swines!)But even if you’re Nazi, you best be good,Because a naughty Nazi, is Not-ze best!(A naughty Nazi, is not ze best!)Hitler Klaus is coming to town!Hitler Klaus is coming to town!Hitler Klaus is cominggggg to town….Ze Fuhrer, Klaus, is coming…to TOWN!!!!!!

CHAPTER 6 - ENTRANCE SONG AND RECAPMUSIC AND VOCALS BY BEN CAPLANLYRICS BY HUNTER KLEIN-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Heidelberg Where Every PrisonerHeidelbergIs a Theater PrisonerHeidelberg (It’s a Drama!)Heidelberg (POW Camp!)Heiiiiiiiiidelberg.A shootout at ze stage left Felix shot,Und Ze camp got hit with ze plagues!Max is nervous, is zis God’s purpose?But he’s typically cryptic and vague! (Damn he’s cool!)A Ritual Sacrifice, went awry, With Americans in ze crowd, (zere also bros!)Despite ze dead, Leni’s letter said,Zat Hitler’s coming to town!!!! (Santa Fuhrer Kristoff Kringle HEY!)HeidelbergIt’s 3 weeks from ShowTime,HeidelbergBut 3 weeks is no time! Heidelberg (Will Klaus break down?)Heidelberg (Deal with zose plagues now?)Heiiiiiiidelberg!Heiiiiiiidelberg!Heiiiiiiil Hitler!!!!!!

CHAPTER 6 - I SAW THE REICHVOCALS BY CANNING ROBB, ROBERT JOHNSTON AND RYDER KLEINLYRICS BY HUNTER KLEIN-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dah-Dah-Dah I, I got a new Reich,You would hardly recognize it, it’s so (NEW),It ain’t the fourth Reich,Or the Second, OooooooWhy did I bother, with any ol Reich for me,Adolf Hitler’s Reich…Baby it’s the third one.I saw ze Reich, and it opened up my eyes!To-be-clear-I’m-not TALKIN’ bout Reich #5 or 6, The Third Reich, is the one we’re on!I saw ze Reich, it’s ze one with the hairy chest!I saw ze Reich! (reich-reich-reich-reich-reich-reich…)I saw ze Reich! (reich-reich-reich-reich-reich-reich…)I saw ze Reich! (Yeah I like number 3, number 3 is the Reich for me)I saw ze Reich! (No thanks 2 or 4, not to mention like 8 or 9)Ze Reich I Like!

CHAPTER 7 - CHAPTER 7 ENTRANCE SONG AND RECAPMUSIC AND VOCALS BY BEN CAPLANLYRICS BY HUNTER KLEIN-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Heidelberg Where Every PrisonerHeidelbergIs a Theater PrisonerHeidelberg (It’s a Drama!)Heidelberg (POW Camp!)Heiiiiiiiiidelberg.Newport Beach closed and ze money’s gone,So Carter’s back in his cage!Plus ze coming Fuhrer-n’ ze plagues unfurlin’,Have caused a mental break! (Plus lots of drugs!)Milo and Ilsa, planned to flee,But our heroes stopped zeir plan.They fought and brawled, and Klaus caught it all,But he snapped and left ze camp! (He found Herr Tippers skipped and ran, HEY!)HeidelbergDid ze Falcon’s day fall?HeidelbergAnd has Klaus gone AWOL?Who will save them?Or overtake zem?Heiiiiiiidelberg!Heiiiiiiidelberg!Heiiiiiiil Hitler!!!!!!

CHAPTER 8, PART 1 - CHAPTER 8 ENTRANCE SONG AND RECAPMUSIC AND VOCALS BY BEN CAPLANLYRICS BY HUNTER KLEIN-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Heidelberg Where Every PrisonerHeidelbergIs a Theater PrisonerHeidelberg (It’s a Drama!)Heidelberg (POW Camp!)Heiiiiiiiiidelberg.Felix’s group ze Rita Hayworth Men,Came back to get revenge!You may remember zeir violent theater agenda,And transatlantic accents! (like Cary Grant, sort of)Milo was kidnapped! Which led Herman To sing of a secret love (in Spanish),When ze men returned, it was Hamburgers’ turn,To show zem vat he’s made of!! (He shot zem dead while Ilsa krumped HEY!)Heidelberg!Our Max and Grandma,Heidelberg!Found a plan and Joanna!Heidelberg! (They’re on track in!)Heidelberg! (Klaus is BACK in!)Heiiiiiiidelberg!Heiiiiiiidelberg!Heiiiiiiil Hitler!!!!!!

CHAPTER 8, PART 2 – THIS IS THE ENDVOCALS BY CANNING ROBBMUSIC AND LYRICS BY BEN CAPLAN-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Another Eye. Another tooth.Another reason to believe the broken truth.That righteous revenge is what God should allow.How does it end?Another baby in the Nile?How does it end? Another body on the pile?No.It ends right here. It ends right now.This is the end. I lay my armor downWhere the sea, meets the sand.For we are marching hand in hand.To the promised land.As God as my witness, we shall live, again.Another death.A stolen soul.Another martyr born of murder takes its toll. Did God shatter our chains, so we use them as a sword?How does it end?With another needless war?How does it end?And what is any of it for?With my tongue, from the Lord, I say blood shall spill no more!This is the end. I lay my armor down.Where the sea, meets the sand.For we are marching hand in hand.To the promised land.As God as my witness, we shall live, again.At the end of the sea, I see hope and light!And the ghost of a chance at the end of the night!We’re the chosen ones. Chosen to do the right thing!And to the ones, who did not make it all the way.Standing with God, whom we shall see with you one day. Give us pride, and your guidance, for the struggle ahead,Help us cast of the killing and live for life instead!This is the end. I lay my armor down.Where the sea, meets the sand.For we are marching hand in hand.To the promised land.As God as my witness… (As God as my witness…)In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And it was…good. And so must we be too.WE SHALL LIVE AGAIN!AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

CHAPTER 8, PART 2 – ARGENTINA!LYRICS BY HUNTER KLEINMUSIC AND VOCALS BY JOHN PREATOR-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Argentina!Here I go again!Deutschland, I am gonna miss you!Argentina! Where we’ll show again!My, my, it’s not cowardice to…Flee in a losing battle!Si, I’m un poco rattled…But in Argentina…you can’t extradite me no!Buenos Aires,Salta or San JuanFly fly, free from Nazi loss now!Darling Eva, (Vassup!) Where did we go wrong,Eva: “Probly, shouldn’t’ve gone to Moscow…”Eva: (you) Left us on Russian shit’s creek,Hitler: But like a lightning Blitzkrieg,To Argentina, nobody will have to know! Herman: “Oh mein Gott, Herr Himmler, Goebbels, please do something!”Argentina,Hitler’s on his way,My my, Germany is grieving!Well, we won’t see him…His flight leaves TODAY…Fine, fine, now zat you are leaving…You’re erratic! (vat ze hell??)You just bitch and wine!You throw, tantrums like a toddler!(also) You’re 5’7! [oh mein gott…]You are NOT 5’9!You wear, boots zat make you taller!Hitler: Argentina! (Men: We’re not finished!)You think you’re ze brains!You still, think you didn’t start this!Well even If you,Took all ze Jews away,You’d still, fail at being an Artist!Wow! Fuck you Himmler!You’ve all gone insane!Sorry, I am an auteur now,Corporal Hamburg, (yes, what!)It’s Auf Wiedersehen,It’s your turn to lead the world now!Turn to be ze Fuhrer now!Deal with all these jerks now!Dream won’t be deferred now!....In Argentina!

“This is the real story.”