This Thing Rules

This episode, we’re extrapolating on the joys of the most functional souvenirs with magnetic properties, our favorite short-form fiction, and one of the more wholesome settings to legally imbibe beer. Intro contains clips from Stranger Things, the trailer for Maximum Overdrive, The Simpsons (again) and Beerfest

You know! Those things that are like gumball machines, but for little toys! Growing up in the USA, they usually dispensed a sticky hand, some slime, maybe a lil Homie, but in Japan they’ve been in another league for decades. We unpack (or perhaps unbox) the charm of randomly distributed toys and trinkets, some of our greatest gets, and the backwards order that we’ve become aware of them.Intro contains clips from a Gashapon machine, Dragon Ball and Se7en.

We’ve got another grab bag episode here, or rather, three very different bags: one’s a big paper bag full of dead leaves and grass clippings, another from a shoe store, and the third is from a bakery. This week we’re unpacking our love of gruelling manual labor in the hot sun to make our yards look nice, the timeless appeal of wearing athletic shoes all the time for completely unathletic activities, and cookies. Which are like crackers, but sweet, or cakes that are small and flat and hard. Look, you know what all those things are, just listen to the show.Intro contains clips from King of the Hill, a shoe store commercial, and Friends.

Ah, hitting the open road! A timeless rite of passage and quintessentially American adventure, unless of course you’re stuck in the car with your whole family, taking the bus or making unexpected pit stops so your driver can hook up with random dudes. We recount some of our most memorable, or in some cases mercifully forgettable automobile journeys.Intro contains clips from National Lampoon’s Vacation, The Simpsons and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

This week, it’s our most politically-charged and divisive topic yet: Carrot Cake. We’re joined by Alex “Kozibear” Kozina, long time friend of the show and culinary adventurer, to discuss the history and appeal of this vegetable-based confection. If you have any doubt of Kozi’s expertise on the matter, he further demonstrates his familiarity of the matter while making Snake Quake: The Official Cake: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wk8nwCMpAkIntro contains clip from Looney Tunes

It’s another grab bag of odds and ends that we love: lizards, those dogs of the reptile kingdom, tunnels, those underground bridges, and Bubble Bobble, which is sort of about lizards in a tunnel, among other things. Which is your favorite thing?Intro contains clips from Daylight, a David Attenborough nature film, and Bubble Bobble.

Easily one of the top 5 best dark rooms you pay money to sit inside for several hours, movie theaters make for a singular experience, where people flock together to sit in silence and social interaction is generally frowned upon during the proceedings. We’ve seen this form of entertainment undergo some pretty major changes in our lifetimes, in some ways for the worse, but many for the better. Still, as increasingly expensive and sometimes distracting and occasionally tedious as the theater experience may be, we hope it’s still a thing long after we’re dead.Intro contains various clips from old movie theater promos and the 1976 film “Murder By Death”

Roald Dahl’s child-endangering chocolatier is one of the most beloved literary characters, turned into an iconic film character by Gene Wilder. We’ve gotten a Timothée Chalamet prequel that’s better than it should be and a Johnny Depp remake that we don’t need to talk about, but let’s unwrap this weirdo. Sure, he’s immensely problematic, but he also makes some cool candy, and he also happens to be rooted in some real world confectionary history. Intro contains clips from various films in which Willy Wonka appears.

This episode, we’re joined by our most Santa Claus-like friend, Jared Petty, to discuss the night before Christmas. Like, the actual night, not the poem. We share some of our favorite memories, traditions, weird trivia, and learn a thing or two about the less family friendly ways it’s observed in some other parts of the world.Intro contains clips from Tenacious D & Sum 41’s “Things I Want,” Bad Santa, Norah Jones’ “Caga Tio,” and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

This week we’re taking a little off the top, and tipping our hat to the age-old ceremony of lowering one’s ears. Or, in laymen’s terms, getting a haircut. We recount some of our proudest coiffures and worst folicular debacles, and lament the challenges of not knowing what to do with the stuff on top of your head as you grow older.It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] contains clips from Paddington 2, “Devil’s Haircut” by Beck and “Cut The Mullet” by Wesley Willis.

Almost the weekend! Friday is technically a weekday, but it’s not like the other weekdays: it’s a COOL weekday. We discuss the origins, pop cultural significance, and our own personal feelings about this weekly light at the end of the tunnel.It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] contains clips of Ice Cube’s “Friday,” Loverboy’s “Workin’ For The Weekend” and The Aquabats’ “Pizza Day”

Or wait, is it fall? Whichever, it's great, and not just because of Halloween. You know, aside from our vestigial back-to-school anxiety, rapidly approaching seasonal depression, the looming threat of bad weather, and the fact that we have no idea what time of year at any given point anyway because California barely has seasons. In any case, it’s a chance to talk about changing holiday traditions, pagan rituals and our kids’ classmates with stupid names. It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] contains clips from Over The Garden Wall, “November Has Come” by Gorillaz, and The Simpsons.

This week, Max has a surprise grab bag for Brian! Will he think these things rule as much as Max does? We discuss everyone’s favorite flying rodent that isn’t a flying squirrel, gum of the chewing and blowing variety, and the thrill of getting a nice new writing implement. It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] contains clips of actual bats, a Fruit Stripe Gum commercial, and Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas.

This week, Brian prepared a special surprise variety pack grab bag of things that he thinks Max might be a big fan of. Gingerbread Houses, those once-seasonal edible wiccan domiciles that have since become a year-round architectural novelty, Snaggletooth, who is one (or two) of the most iconic cantina aliens from Star Wars, and Stegosaurses. A dinosaur, that probably had feathers but almost definitely didn’t have long flowing hair like a beautiful woman or a show dog.It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] contains clips from The Simpsons, Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes hit song “Mad About Me,” and a toy commercial for The Lost World action figures.

How music looks isn’t as important as how it sounds, but it certainly plays a role. This episode, we talk about our relationship with album covers, which sometimes look like the music they’re promoting, sometimes look like something else entirely, and sometimes don’t look like anything at all. Huge thanks to Patreon backer Thijis Van Sise for suggesting the topic.It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] contains clips from This Is Spinal Tap, an interview with Iron Maiden cover artist Derek Riggs and Saturday Night Live.

At one point, using fire to cook stuff outside was part of daily life, but now it’s just a way of microdosing caveman life. Whether you’re using gas, charcoal, or a hot sidewalk, there’s something wonderful about preparing food outdoors, so crack open a cold one and join us as we discuss our favorite recipes, methods, anecdotes, near-disasters, and questionable tips about this great pastime. It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] contains clips from Fenslerfilm’s GI Joe Porkchop Sandwiches PSA, National Lampoon’s Vacation, an Australian tourism commercial hosted by Paul Hogan, and King of the Hill.

This week, we’re delving into a very special sort of generational brain damage that we can specifically blame/thank the Reagan administration for: toy commercials! Growing up the 80s and 90s, children’s programming was practically indistinguishable from advertising, so why shouldn’t we have equal amounts of nostalgia for this particular type of bite-sized marketings? Let’s take a look back at some of the most infamous toy ads, the most famous people who popped up in them, and of course, Judge Reinhold’s Weenie Whistle. This episode’s topic was suggested by Patreon backer Matt Schottroff. Good call!It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] contains clips from Mighty Max, WWF, and GI Joe toy commercials, Vin Diesel’s infamous viral Toy Fair video, and The Santa Clause.

This episode, we tried something new and recorded on location from a restaurant in Düsseldorf, Germany. We sampled the local beer and talked about some of our adventures in Deutschland, including regional varieties of gummi candy, museums, kiosks, cities in which you can actually get around on foot, bees, yellow jackets, and other stuff. Apologies for the background noise, this was an experiment! We’ll be back to normal next episode.

This week, we’re tackling a few extremely unrelated things that rule: fire (the element), Keith David (the actor) and bread bag clips (the clips that come on bags of bread.) Why, you ask? Well, it was your idea - specifically, the suggestions of our Patreon members Mikhail Kaban, Krystal Stewart, SuperMecha, Bruce Wayne Brady and Jack Peterman. It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] contains clips from a YouTube short about bread bags, The Prodigy’s “Fire (Sunrise Version),” Beavis & Butt-Head, Disney’s Gargoyles and They Live.

Comic-Con! What was once a niche gathering of outcasts has become a massive pop-culture spectacle, and even with the infusion of blockbuster media franchises, it’s still a wonderful time, whether you’re in San Diego, New York or somewhere in between. This episode, we reflect on the rise of comic book and sci-fi convention culture, our first exposure to it, some of our most bizarre adventures there since.It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] contains clips from an 1972 San Diego newscast, The Simpsons, Dexter’s Laboratory and Mission Hill.

Come on in, the water’s fine! This week, we’re talking about one of the most simple, possibly primordial, occasionally deadly pleasures in life, which is traversing a body of water for recreational purposes. Y’know, swimming! It’s an essential survival skill, but also just a nice thing to do when it’s hot out, whether it’s in a pool, ocean, lake, river, pond, watering hole, crick, spigot or some combination thereof. But, that’s assuming there’s not an abundance of mud, trash, weeds, slime, or scary creatures impedling your paddling.It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] contains clips from Jaws, National Lampoon’s Vacation, Anchorman and Adult Swim’s original bumpers

Concerts! One of the most expensive and exhausting ways to lose hearing and form lasting memories, this week we’re discussing our own histories seeing live music. From Brian’s countless hip-hop shows in New York City to Max’s repeated accidental patronage of Jefferson Starship, we have plenty of anecdotes. Are they more entertaining than attending an actual concert yourself? No. Is the audio quality better? Eh, debatable. Would we charge you 23 dollars for a beer? Never!It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] contains clips from Fast Times At Ridgemont High, Heavy Metal Parking Lot, Aqua Teen Hunger Force and The Simpsons.

Hot dogs, dogs,  frankfurters, franks, wieners, weenies or tube steak, whatever you call these silly cylinders, they’re a good time! Whether you’re eating them in the backyard, at a ball game, on the street, or hunched over your kitchen sink, stupid dudes like us would have starved to death ages ago without their questionable sustenance. Join us as we discuss some regional varieties, questionable practices, fan theories, controversial opinions, and a classic column from The Onion that was definitely not penned by Christopher Walken.It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] contains clips from Led Zeppelin’s “Hot Dog,” an Oscar Meyer commercial, The Irishman and Superbad.

Last week we talked about our love of trucks that have ice cream inside, and this week… we’re talking about all the other kinds! But hold on, what’s a truck? A pickup? A steamroller? The Power Loader from Aliens? What we lack in expertise or first-hand experience, we make up for with an appreciation of wheeled wonders that also sometimes have big tank treads. Little trucks, big trucks, old trucks, expensive trucks, monster trucks, and other modern dinosaurs of the road, whatever they are, we love them!It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] contains clips from a Tonka commercial, Sisqo’s “The Thong Song,” Over The Top and various truck sounds.

Easily the most beloved vehicles exclusively designed for selling dessert on the street, ice cream trucks are a staple of childhood, a beloved tradition, a lucrative side-hustle and a pretty hilarious human invention. Brian has prepared a short presentation on ice cream trucks, but not ice cream bikes or ice cream boats, as well as some of the better delicacies served by them.It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] contains clips of an ice cream truck, The Simpsons, Hey Arnold, a Popsicle commercial and "Ice Cream" by Raekwon.

Ya-hooooo! Mountain Dew! This week, we’re joined by good friend, esteemed colleague, and X-treme Dew-ficionado Seth Macy to talk about the history of a highly caffeinated, neon yellow soft drink. From its bootleg backwoods origins to its role as a pseudo-sports drink, to a staple of nerdy all-nighters, we have some fond memories slamming various flavors of Dew - and there have been a lot over the years. It’s probably worth noting that this episode is in no way sponsored, paid for, endorsed, encouraged, or officially recognized in any way by Mountain Dew or PepsiCo.You can find more of Seth Macy on Instagram @sethgmacy or on Tiktok @major_beeflord, where he regularly posts some very entertaining content, Mountain Dew-related and otherwise.Intro contains clips from Mountain Dew commercials from the 1960s and 1990s, a 1996 Dungeons & Dragons sketch from Dan Harmon’s comedy troupe Dead Alewives (better known as “Summoner Geeks,” thanks to an easter egg from the Volition PlayStation 2 game), “The Rare Auld Mountain Dew” performed by The Dubliners and Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.

This week, it’s a bit of a grab bag. A grab bag full of beach sand, cinnamon rolls and sharp objects! This week, we’re a bit fried, so we’re trying shaking things up and doing scatterbrained variety pack episode on sandcastles, one of the most fun things you can legally do with a bucket, breakfast pastries, those glorious desserts of the ante meridiem, and pocket knives, a timeless must-have accessory of handymen, ne’er-do-wells, and wannabe tough guys the world over.It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] contains clips from Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the You Already Knew That, a culturally insensitive Pillsbury Toaster Strudel commercial and Season 5, Episode 8 of The Simpsons. 

You’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy (and quaint charm) than a dive bar. But what makes a good dive bar, aside from underwhelming decor and moderately-whelming beverages at an equally moderate price? Let’s discuss the charms of the American pub, tavern, watering hole and/or dank pit. It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] contains clips from The Simpsons, Hot Fuzz, The World’s End and Star Wars: A New Hope.

Oh boy! The original portable gaming device may not exactly fit into most pockets, but it sure found a warm and cozy place in the hearts of countless gamers, from young children to important Tetris-addict businessmen. We take a look back at Nintendo’s original grey, AA-battery devouring brick, and its place not just as an important part of our childhoods and gaming history, but as a landmark piece of technology that was way ahead of its time. It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] contains clips from a Game Boy, classic Game Boy commercials and King of the Hill

Whether you’re crying, hungover, a spy, a Terminator, trying to see if aliens are running society, or if it’s just really bright out, sunglasses are a must-have item. This episode, we don our rose tinted glasses of nostalgia (which are prescription, making everything in hindsight 20/20) and look back at the history of light-blocking eyewear. From the earliest iterations in the 12th century made of whalebone and geodes, up through modern marvels like BluBlockers, Pit Vipers and the immortal Ray-Ban dynasty, there are a lot of cool kinds of eyewear to, y’know, make you look COOL.It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] contains clips from Cory Hart’s “Sunglasses at Night,” They Live, the BluBlockers rap, and the original Mortal Kombat movie.

Of all the stuff human beings have figured out, the ability to travel by air is definitely one of the most impressive. Even more impressive, this stunning achievement has become such a ubiquitous form of travel that it’s actually a little boring! But let’s take a moment to appreciate just how cool it is that flying machines exist, but that we’re allowed to go on them as long as we briefly take our shoes off before we get on board and don’t tamper with the smoke detectors in the lavatories. If anyone’s curious, the book Max got his Wright brothers trivia is “Made in America” by Bill Bryson, and it’s full of all sorts of delightful trivia.It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] contains clips of an ancient newsreel, The Simpsons, and Airplane!

Not just part of a complete breakfast, but a complete breakfast in and of itself, the quintessential blue collar morning meal is an American staple to rival the noble cheeseburger… But what makes a good breakfast sandwich? Eggs, cheese, some kind of meat, stuck between some sort of complex carbohydrate. Surely no one could screw that up, right? Well, you’d think so. Join us as we discuss the merits of various mystery meat, from the controversially named Taylor Ham/Pork Roll to its weird Amish cousin, Scrapple, and our personal do’s, don’t’s, tips, tricks, and misadventures with this sumptuous morning delicacy.It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] contains clips of Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem, and Superbad.

From Cadbury Creme Eggs to Peeps to the ubiquitous egg-adjacent jelly bean, Easter candy is one of the sweetest parts of springtime. The vaguely pagan animal-centric traditions that come along with it really don’t make a ton of sense, especially in relation to the main event’s significance in Christianity, but we’re not complaining. So, let’s talk about oviparous lagomorphs, marshmallow baby chicks, and some of our fondest pastel-colored memories.It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] contains clips of Cadbury Creme Egg and Peeps commercials, and Mallrats.

Whether you love labyrinths, mystery meatballs, funny sounding words or great deals on housewares and modular furniture, IKEA has it all. Join us as we follow the arrows on the floor through the history, charm, quirks, and shockingly dark side of the world’s largest furniture chain… that also sells cat leashes and hot dogs.It would totally rule if you helped support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, You can also show your support by following us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] contains clips from a commercial for IKEA’s first American store, Fight Club and Deadpool.

Arcades, as in a place where a bunch of arcade cabinets, pinball tables, and other assorted large and loud coin operated distraction units were collected to entertain people, started in the late 70s/early 80s. For the sake of this episode we’re gonna skip to this era and not dwell on the penny arcade/nickelodeon era of old timey crank machines you can still find at Disneyland or Fisherman’s Wharf or whatever. So yeah not, the ones you fed chump change to that showed a horse running or other stuff that used to make your grandfather lose his mind when he was eight and there was only one company making peanut butter. No, we’re talking about those dim, laser lit halls with the sticky neon carpets and maybe a counter where you could exchange tickets for prizes.Intro contains clips from Terminator 2: Judgment Day (The Movie), Altered Beast, Pac-Man, Killer Instinct and Mortal Kombat 3.

Do you know the definition of insanity? Well, doing the same thing over and over again, but especially when that thing involves using a grenade launcher to blow the door off a wild animal cage, simultaneously freeing the dangerous beast, but also setting it on fire and pissing it off so much that it runs around biting bad guys in the neck while also setting them on fire too. And that’s a thing you can do (and which we’ve done) in numerous Far Cry games. Ubisoft’s long-running open world first-person shooter slash stealth action series has taken us to a lot of crazy places, literally and figuratively. Join us on a whirlwind tour of the highs and lows of this series, where it got its start, our favorite moments, and some tidbits of trivia and personal anecdotes about causing virtual mayhem in beautiful places. Also, friendly reminder you can help support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, follow us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] contains clips from Far Cry 3, Far Cry 4 and Far Cry 3 Blood Dragon

The most iconic cat and mouse duo have been ruthlessly trying to kill each other for almost a century, and there’s something timeless about good old fashioned slapstick animal violence. Join us as we dig into the history of this timeless, hilarious, often messed-up, and occasionally flat-out problematic cartoon.Also, friendly reminder you can help support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, follow us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] contains clips from Full House, The Simpsons and of course Tom & Jerry.

What? They do! They let us chew our food, smile, grimace, and give us something to floss in a literal, non-Fortnite dance fashion. Join as we marvel at those fascinating, slightly creepy lil’ pearly whites, their place in popular culture, and various anecdotes involving dental professionals, tooth fairies, and everything in between. Special thanks to A.C. MacKenzie for writing in and suggesting such a mundane yet bizarre subject for a podcast. Also, friendly reminder you can help support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, follow us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] includes clips from Lady Gaga’s “Teeth,” Batman (1989), Looney Tunes, Del The Funky Homosapien’s “If You Must,” Yoshi’s Island and The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Extended Edition, obviously)

In this 1:1 scale recreation of a conversation between two friends, Max gives Brian a crash course on plastic model kits, something he had a passing interest in as a kid, but which escalated into a full-on obsession in adulthood. We discuss the origins of the hobby compared to what it’s like now, from pre-WWII models of planes that would eventually wind up in WWII to intricate replicas of very boring objects. Of course, we don't gloss over the timeless frustrations involved with cutting, building, gluing, sanding, and literally glossing over tiny plastic things, and how the desire to assemble a fun little trinket can devolve into a very weird compulsion to assemble absurdly complicated miniature realistic facsimiles of large real-world objects.Also, friendly reminder you can help support the show on Patreon atpatreon.com/thisthingrules, follow us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners [email protected] contains clips from the Frank Grimes episode of The Simpsons, some model kit commercials, and Parks & Recreation (who is technically talking about claymation, but close enough)

In what’s possibly our most divisive and controversial episode to date, we tell you why we both enjoy a particular time of day that a whole lot of people would rather spend being unconscious than doing anything else. Ironically, two guys who used to host a show called “Up At Noon” are, in fact, “morning people.” But wait, let’s talk about how we got this way, what’s keeping us this way, and why we don’t really mind that much. Also, friendly reminder you can help support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, follow us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] Intro contains clips from The Tick (the original Fox Kids animated series), a 1990 Folgers coffee commercial, an episode of Friends (The One With All The Haste) and probably The Beatles’ worst song off Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart Club Band.

Who doesn’t love stickers? Colorful, cool, funny, shiny, informative and occasionally stinky little pictures or messages that can be used to decorate objects and surfaces, giving a personal possession (or public property) a little more personality. We run down some of the more novel places stickers have come from and where they’ve wound up, from Ray Avery’s original “Kum Kleen Price Stickers” in 1940, to the earliest political bumper stickers, to the origins of using “Hello My Name Is” labels to introduce oneself to strangers and mailboxes and of course the sudden sticker explosion in the 1970s and 80s of brands like Lisa Frank, Mrs. Grossman and Sandylion. Plus, some of our personal favorite stickers from throughout our lives and where we put them. Special thanks to Thijis Van Sise, longtime patreon supporter and friend of the show, for suggesting this week’s topic. Also, friendly reminder you can help support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, follow us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] Intro contains a bunch of sound effects and clips from Eminem’s “My Name Is,” a 1996 Lisa Frank commercial starring Mila Kunis, a Circle K commercial for scratch-and-sniff mother’s day stickers starring a bunch of live skunks, and The Simpsons.

Schwing! This episode is all about the S-word: SWORDS. Over the course of the next hour, you may learn a thing or two about the history of bladed weapons, but we spend most of our time goofing off and talking about our favorite swords in popular culture, from iconic movie blades in films like Lord of the Rings, Highlander, Kill Bill, and uh, Blade and also Brian’s favorite video game swords, from Ocarina of Time’s second-coolest sword to the Elden Ring sword that does bleed damage like they do on the Discovery Channel. Despite the topic at hand, we might not be the sharpest tools in the shed when it comes to rational analysis of melee weapons, but we still had a lot of fun this week. Also, friendly reminder you can help support the show on Patreon at patreon.com/thisthingrules, follow us on Bluesky and Twitter @ThisThingRules, or find our little corner of our old podcast’s Discord at discord.comedybutton.com - and of course, we’re always happy to get email from listeners at [email protected] Intro contains clips from Highlander, Home Movies, a disastrous QVC sword infomercial and Kill Bill Vol. 1.

In space, no one can hear you scream, but in this episode, you can definitely hear us get real excited about Alien, the original 1979 film that started it all. Enough has been said about how it’s an undeniable classic that revolutionized cinema, etc, but it’s also a miracle it ever got made. Did you know that bringing the various forms of the iconic Xenomorph to life required actual human bones, a pile of rancid shellfish, and an industrial size oil drum full of KY Jelly - and only one of these things was at the request of H.R. Giger. Join us as we frantically gush like malfunctioning synthetic science officers about how much we adore this movie, and really try not to talk about the sequels too much (but it’s hard, because they rule too.) We also discuss our first exposure to this series, how our perspectives have changed since growing up. Also, Max would like to apologize for blanking on the names of Veronica Cartwright, who plays Lambert and falls backwards off a couch, and John Hurt, who plays chestburster victim Kane in Alien AND Spaceballs. Intro contains clips from an H.R. Giger in a DVD special feature, Alien (duh) and “Hello! Ma Baby” by Howard & Emerson as featured in Spaceballs.

“Monsters!" by Brian, Age 42(?)Monsters are fictional (not real, we think) things that have existed (or not?) through basically all of human history, primarily as a mechanism to scare children or to provide cool things to torment or kill people in books, movies, TV shows, video games, comics, and campfire tales. There is not one under your bed or in your closet right now, probably, but the way the light hits at night, it might seem like it. Also the way your radiator sort of sounds like it's growling. Monsters usually sort of look like a guy but real fucked up like, as in he’s got horns or talons or a big tail or something. Sometimes they’re real huge and don’t look like a guy at all, like Godzilla or the monsters from Cloverfield or Nope. Sometimes they’re just awful little fuckers like the Gremlins, the weird walking things from Tremors 2: Aftershocks, or Mike Wazowski from Monsters Inc., a movie about monsters that start a company, or maybe just work there, or something. In 1990 a toy line called Monster In My Pocket launched and they were a collection of 200 different brightly colored little beasts, ghouls, demons, dinosaurs, and other assorted horror men that were small enough to fit in your ratty little jean jacket or hoodie. Those were easily some of the smallest monsters. They weren’t very scary but they were occasionally boxed in a way where you couldn’t see exactly who you were buying which was kind of a jump scare on its own. Some of the most famous monsters are the Universal Monsters which can be mostly broken into two groups: regular dudes with a weird thing (Dracula, Invisible Man, Mummy, Frankenstein’s Wife) and absolute freaks who look like shit like Frankenstein and Creature From the Black Lagoon. Wolf Man is the perfect bridge between these two groups because he’s a dude but he’s also an ugly fucker once a month so he is the glue to the whole gang, I imagine. The Munsters are also sort of monsters but they’re mostly just people, although they have a dragon living under their stairs and that’s an actual monster. Eddie Munster is mostly just an Italian kid. Speaking of TV monsters, there are also the Aaaah! Real Monsters from their show, but they’re actually not real even though they’re monsters. They’re drawings. Speaking of which, lots of monster stories are about a guy becoming a monster and that’s bad or they’re about a monster who has to become a guy, which is good. Shrek explored these themes. Speaking of Hollywood, monsters is also a term people use to describe a real man who did monstrous things, like Harvey Wienstein and the Menendez Brothers who have their own documentary with the word “Monster” in the title. Beauty and the Beast is the story of a guy who becomes a monster and then doesn’t and it’s also the story of singing furniture. Charlize Theron was also a monster in the movie Monster where she killed guys. Every three years a different movie comes out called Monster and they all have nothing to do with each other. Sometimes monsters stay monsters the whole time but it’s ok, like Chewbacca, a monster who drives with people in their space cars and sometimes rips arms off of bad guys. Half of the things on Sesame Street are also monsters, like Grover. Gonzo from Muppets isn’t really a monster but he’s sometimes in the same movie with a large monster creature muppet who has hobo shoes. Monsters in video games are great because you can train them, capture them, become them, or kill them, usually thanks to a large glowing weak spot on their bodies. Monsters in movies don’t really have those, though. Monsters get tired a lot but don’t worry, they actually have their own energy drink called Monster Energy drink which is made from guarana and taurine and other words that sound like monster names. Anyways, monsters are cool and we like them, mostly because they’re not real (we think) The EndIntro contains clips from Dracula, The Monster Mash, Frankenstein, Monster In My Pocket, and The Monster Squad

In honor of the holidays (and us being pretty fried because of the holidays, and the entire year that preceded them) this week’s episode is even more laid back and conversational than normal, and we hit record without any specific topic in mind. After some muttering and grumbling about getting older, and also how we were friends with Dash Rendar without realizing it, the conversation turned to what we’ve been listening to this year, music-wise. So, something along the lines of Max and Brian’s Spotify Wrapped: The Radio Drama, but with some of our usual detours and tangents. For anyone who prefers a more cohesive, less shoegaze-y audio product, don’t worry, This Thing Rules will return to its regularly scheduled programming in 2025. Thanks for bearing with us during these trying and festive holiday times.Here are the albums, artists and music-adjacent media we mentioned (or alluded to) in chronological order: Alli Goertz - Peeled back LL Cool  - The FORCE Rome Streetz - Hat & garden hold up Griselda Records (Conway The Machine, Benny The Butcher, Westside Gunn, Daringer) HEALTH - RAT WARS ULTRA EDITION Pixel grip - ARENA / Stamina Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross - Challengers [MIXED] by Boys Noize NIN - Add Violence NIN - The Fragile The Sparks Brothers (2021 documentary) Sparks - No. 1 in Heaven Sparks - Exotic Creatures of the Deep Abba - Gold (greatest hits record, but also 33 ⅓ book about said record) Beastie Boys Book by Ad-Rock and Mike D (book and audiobook) Beastie Boys - Hello Nasty Madonna: Like an Icon by Lucy O’Brien (book) The Prodigy - Fat of the Land (and its album art by JAKe Detonator) Rage Against The Machine - Evil Empire Rage Against The Machine - Renegades Beck - Sea Change Nirvana - Nevermind Nirvana - In Utero Nirvana - Unplugged

‘Tis the season! From wholesome feel-good classics like “It’s a Wonderful Life” and “A Charlie Brown Christmas” to vaguely off-color classics like “National Lampoon’s Christmas” and “Love, Actually” to flat-out misanthropic filth like “Bad Santa” or “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York,” there are are a lot of movies about, or at least, involving Christmas. So, let’s talk about some favorites, some less favorite, and some movie franchises set in universes where Christmas doesn’t exist that we’ve somehow forced into our holiday rotation. Intro includes clips from It’s a Wonderful Life, Bad Santa, Die Hard, A Christmas Story and Angels With Filthy Souls (the fake gangster movie from Home Alone, not to confused with Angels with Dirty Faces, which is an actual film)

In 1996, Star Wars was in a weird spot. The Original Trilogy was a long time ago, and the Prequel Trilogy was still far, far away, but thanks to the rapidly expanding Expanded Universe in the form of books, comics and games, fans had plenty keeping them busy. So, to capitalize on this, and test the waters for interest in a new movie, Lucasfilm did the next best thing to making a movie: making everything BUT a movie, with Shadows of the Empire, a multimedia project that took the form of a novel, a comic series, a Nintendo 64 game, a score, multiple toy lines, scale model kits, and even a pop-up book. Filling in the blanks between The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, it was the most coordinated assault Star Wars fans had seen since the Battle of Endor, and it arrived just as we were getting into that galaxy far, far away in a big way. So, let’s look back on why this was so special, what worked, what didn’t, and what’s made its way back into the official canon. Intro contains clips from Clerks, a Kenner Shadows of the Empire action figure commercial (voiced by Mark Hammil), a promotional video for Shadows of the Empire and an Arakyd Viper Imperial Probe Droid.

This week, we’re joined by our pal Scott Bromley to discuss one of the most beloved fantasy realms ever created by a fast food restaurant’s marketing teams: McDonaldland. Okay, so, maybe the food isn’t healthy, and the play structure is a deathtrap at best, and the Happy Meal toys and packaging are a blight on landfills, but at least Ronald McDonald, Grimace and The Hamburglar are pretty cool, right? Intro contains clips from various creepy McDonald's commercials. In case it's not abundantly clear, this episode is in no way sponsored, affiliated, endorsed, or approved of by McDonald's in any way shape or form.

This week, we're tackling something that's probably too broad of a subject to fit in one episode, and which is something of a moving target, but which definitely rules. We share some personal anecdotes, as well as various trials, tribulations and existential dilemmas posed by creating another human being. (Sorry if this episode description is a little scatterbrained, while writing it, my kid needed help going to the bathroom, then insisted I let her brush my hair, and then wanted me to look up how to say "high five" in German. Apparently, it's "gib mir fünf," but also not really a thing people do in Germany. -Max) Intro contains clips from The Empire Strikes Back, Kindergarten Cop and the trailer for Mr. Mom, which hasn't aged very well.

Slime has existed for all of time in some form, probably. The first slime ever was primordial ooze which many believe was made of random earth slop that came together to form life. Slime as a toy was first introduced by Mattel in 1976 and it was literally just a plastic garbage can full of slime for kids over 5 and was labeled as “gooey, drippy, oozey, cold, ‘n clammy” It was mostly made of guar gum and PVA glue. Mattel went on to put all sorts of shit in this stuff, like fake bugs, eyeballs, and other small horrors. Since then, practically every action figure line has incorporated some slime-related playset or feature, and in more recent years, it underwent a surprising renaissance among a whole new demographic, other than disgusting little boys. Let’s wax (and ooze) nostalgic for our favorite gelatinous substance.` Intro contains clips from a late 70s local news clip, Ghostbusters, Nickelodeon’s You Can’t Do That On Television, “I’m The Slime” by Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention, and commercials for Mattel’s Masters of the Universe Slime Pit playset and Playmates Toys’ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Flushinator playset.