All Episodes

"I love nuns! They're the best."

"Squirrels hate the Irish."

"Would you like to look at your poop? I see that it floated."

"He was a walkin' joystick."

"Tell me more about the withering leg."

"Are you pinching a loaf? I am."

"Keeping her ta-tas and hoo-ha to a PG-13 rating."

"Nazis always have wavy haircuts."

"You can see one ball peeking out"

"Hey Yeshua!" Where's a great place to get deli?"

"It's a va-jay-jay day!"

"If you want to eat your teammates, you go for it."

"You walk on the bones of my ancestors."

"Sweat is the peoples' choice for lubrication."

"I don't know what I'm doing right now."

"Can you catch your own worm?"

"They're cooling their testicles."

"People can't afford hitmen anymore."

Ooops! All Talking! #14: "A half naked lady with clown makeup on."

Ooops! All Talking! #13: "Once it gets onto your chest, it won't let go."

Ooops! All Talking! #12: "We're going to throw apples at their heads."

Ooops! All Talking #11: "The monkey... what was he peeing into?"

Ooops! All Talking #10: "Toothbrush. Flip-Flops. Shiv..."

Ooops! All Talking #9: "Evil has gotten a bad name."

Ooops! All Talking #8: "There's nothing funny about a topless woman."

193: "Billy, put that back in the toilet."

192: "Around the world with potato salad."

191: "All the Nazis were breast feeders."

190: "Now son, this is a scrotum."

189: "When I met you guys, I was a stunt driver."

188: "There's a big bear ass sticking out of a hole."

187: "I'm sittin' there with a giant diaper on."

186: "I don't want to know what your dad looks like naked."

185: "Feel free to yell at our waitstaff."

184: "Furries can have their own club."

183: "Kidnapping is not a big deal."

182: "Head cheese... I don't even know what that is."

Ooops! All talking: "Every kid wanted sausage."

181: "I smell like comedy."

180: "You been to a lot of orgies?"

179: "It isn't cheating unless you get caught."

178: "They called me Carrot Head."

177: "See what your taint's been up to."

176: "I'd let her check my pH."

175: "A 20,000-year-old porta potty."

Oops! All talking #6: "My grandfather's got pigs."

Oops! All talking #5: "There's a raccoon in my beard!"

Oops! All talking #4: "Go for the ribs!"

Oops! All talking #3: "I think something's growing in your brain."

Oops! All talking #2: "Jesus was the original Long John Silver."

Oops! All talking #1: “You don’t want a bent carrot following you.”

174: "The traditional William Shatner film festival."

173: "I fed a banana to a goose."

172: "There's no telling where my penis will end up."

171: "That's exactly how roast beef sounds."

170: "We were getting along but we changed our mind."

169: "I had a music teacher named Mr. Fluff."

168: "The ass-less chaps were a nice touch."

167: "They're like furries but with pigeons."

166: "As long as the bat wears a teeny, tiny condom."

165: "Their poop is very nutritious."

164: "It's starting to look like a drug den."

163: "Who's going to give me a ride home?"

162: "Up and down all day long until he pukes."

161: "He farts cuz he's happy."

160: "Another episode of 'Jim Talks to Children.'"

159: "I don't get artificially inseminated. I get inseminated."

158: "Don't talk to anybody named Manny!"

157: "Time to break some commandments, ladies!"

Season 8 Teaser: "Is that the bone I'm tickling?"

Extra Stuff 5: "The Stalin jockstrap runs about $20."

Extra Stuff 4: "Chocolate makes me more stupid than I am already."

Extra Stuff 3: "Our proofreaders don't pussyfoot around with punctuation."

Extra Stuff 2: "I like the plush velour and a little plastic on the furniture."

Extra Stuff 1: "Who’s gonna lay this gaffer’s tape? Who’s gonna drink all this free beer?"

156: "That's how they make people sing in prison."

155: "There was Canoe, Aramis, and Toxic Masculinity."

154: "Hi there! It's Sailor Jack, everybody!"

153: “Familiar characters who never really acknowledge my existence.”

152: "Mister Gut Leakage."

Season 4 Teaser

151: "Wimpy watches from the chair in the hotel room."

150: "A fine array of toilet wines."

149: "That guy should wipe his ass once in a while."

148: "Talk about your poo poo poopy poo poos."

147: "While you're there, why don't you donate sperm?"

146: "I've seen your bread. It's not worth buttering."

145: "Smell like you mean it."

144: "Are you gonna eat that?"

143: "Condoms hanging from tree branches."

142: "Pope goes bonkers over Outback's Bloomin' Onion."

141: "It's a lovely homoerotic musical."

140: "Nobody does vaginas like Georgia O'Keeffe."

139: "Your fecal matter matters."

138: "Swimming naked in gym class, revisited."

137: "I'm not the one who married a stripper."

Season 7 coming soon!

136: "Taunt passing tourists with an array of colorful hand gestures."

135: "When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you."

Oops, skipped a show!

134: "Your sidewalk smells your feet every day."

133: "You'd be amazed at how many cotton swabs I had."

132: "We also have free coffee and lanyards."

131: "I eat, drink, chain-smoke, and breathe (with the help of a machine) the carnival world."

130: "Time to use my fake British accent."

129: "I am, once again, completely in love with bears."

128: "Is your butt keeping you up at night?"

127: "The inner workings of the mind of a Jell-O wrestler."

126: "I've been suckin' on tree sap for 17 years."

125: "Peas. Peas. Peas. Try 'em if you please."

124: "If it's Boeing, I'm not going."

123: "It's a Dave, Dave, Dave world."

122: "The only thing to fear is fear itself... and clowns."

121: "The fun doesn't stop until the authorities intervene."

120: "We've disappointed people before and we can do it again."

119: "They're barfin' in the back seat."

118: "A whoopee cushion filled with hate."

117: "Honey, are you worried about your butt crack?"

116: "The government limits the amount of rat hairs I can contain."

Season 6 coming pretty soon! (new show trailer)

115: "Close that bathroom cuz I pooped all over it."

114: "An iron fist in a red, woolen mitten."

113: "It's your uncle Bosco! I bet he's an angel or something."

112: "I want to shove walnuts in me cheeks."

111: "We sure could use an antagonist in this story."

110: "Hey little Scotch tape, you friendly fellow."

109: "Football and Thanksgivin' go together like Thanksgivin' and football!"

108: "Would you like a butterscotch candy or a penny?"

107: "Lawyers make money and they're also funny."

106: "It raises the hair on my, uh... I'll say neck."

105: "Wanna buy some shrimp? They're fresh."

104: "Jerry and Frank find out the truth about girls."

103: "I'm gonna go squeeze off a few rounds."

102: "I feel that tighty whities help me as an actor."

101: "Put the pizzazz back in your patootie"

Labor Day Around the World Bonus Bits

It's The Real World (After All) uncut version

It's The Real World (After All) Dr D version

100: "Where have all the Goth Gurlz gone?"

99: "Where are the bowls of fruit?!"

98: "A few simple jokes that won't disturb your digestion."

97: "Got a tackle box, a red face, and a fryin' pan."

96: "I thought everyone was into floor licking."

95: "I can almost smell the cabbage boiling"

94: "There're a lot of basements in China."

93: “I can zap your energy faster than a PTA meeting.”

92: "Someone must've spiked the Moscow Mules."

91: "We should've come back loaded with STDs."

90: "I am somebody. In fact, I might be two people."

89: "Find many wives. As many as there are moons in winter."

88: "Those Duck Logic pinheads kept giving me their usual BS."

87: "I try to bring a bit of what I understand is... funk."

86: "Get to know your poop."

85: "He's the guy who makes sure the thing doesn't fall out."

84: "Held back by silly superstition."

83: "Bigger than a goiter on your grandma."

Joe on Brandmeier, Live #5: Special Extra

82: "Do you like cheese? Yay, we're friends!"

81: "Come for the chew. Stay for the spittin'."

80: "25 exciting things you can do with a potato."

79: "Nobody goes to the movies to see a maggot."

78: "Someone who can do the job ju-u-ust a little better than you."

77: "A man's strength originates in his winky."

76: "Tell me about your day. Be brief."

75: "The dog ate the part we didn't like"

74: "A duck's butt is just a romantic thing"

73: "A two-week long botulism-paloosa"

72: "Balloons and clowns and weird little guys on motorcycles"

71: "When Godzilla Met Sally"

70: "A long look at buttocks implants"

69: "I thought of you as a sexy Doughboy."

68: "Quail eggs and infertile bee honey"

68: "Quail eggs and infertile bee honey"

67: "I kissed a lot of old ladies."

66: "I've seen it all before."

65: "Cheese sandwich!"

64: "I wrote Kumbaya."

63: "Your habits define you."

62: "By guys. For guys. About guys."

61: "Win a date with Señor Wences' fist"

60: "Swimming naked in gym class"

59: "Chockfull of bacon-y goodness"

58: "Let's agree to agree on this one"

57: "Deeply appreciated by almost no one"

Fowl Memories: Duck Logic Clubhouse Extended Cut

56: "Death takes a long lunch"

55: "Arnold Schwarzenegger had enough"

55: "Arnold Schwarzenegger has had enough"

54: "Letting the listener sculpt his own space."

53: "Don't leave without a casing on your bologna."

52: "The possibilities are endless... on stilts"

51: "When you feel like crap"

Joe on Brandmeier, Live #4: Special Extra

Edie, the Breakfast Fairy: Special Easter Extra

Barbeat for Easter #2: Special Extra

Barbeat for Easter #1: Special Extra

50: Our 50th Anniversary 1 year early, pt 4

49: Our 50th Anniversary 1 year early, pt 3

48: Our 50th Anniversary 1 year early, pt 2

47: Our 50th Anniversary 1 year early, pt 1

46: “Give me a beer that’s made far away from here.”

45: “What did he smell like to you?”

44: “Pope goes ga-ga over square dancing.”

43: “When you want the best but can only afford a cheap substitute.”

42: “2,700 male bladders straining for relief.”

41: “Your one-stop hotspot for communicable diseases.”

40: “They’re talkin’ ‘bout the hair on my mole.”

39: “You just sucked those stink molecules into your lungs.”

38: “The high-priced, classy feel of urinating in a swank public restroom.”

37: “It’s kind of fun to overreact.”

36: “4 out of 5 doctors recommend food to their patients who eat.”

Joe on Brandmeier, Live #3: Special Extra

35: “We poked them with skewers that hold turkeys together.”

34: “I’m figuring fifty seconds of all this is useful.”

33: “It was like Charge of the Light Brigade with 6th graders."

32: “Baldy Sour, Baldy Sour! Let’s ostracize him cuz he’s unique.”

31: “Sam, you can’t burn a witch every holiday.”

30: “I’ve only got the starter gut right now, but I’ve got dreams.”

29: “Goodnight my boy, my little tax write-off.”

28: “You’ll get a heaping dose of real life.”

27: “The choice was obvious--- produce a parody of War of the Worlds.”

Joe on Brandmeier, Live #2: Special Extra

26: “Spend the evening with people smacking their lips in time to Vic Damone records.”

25: “Dickeys are acceptable although shirts must be worn over them.”

Joe, the Love Potato on Brandmeier, Live #1: Special Extra

24: “Worms split apart and reform just like the Doobie Brothers.”

23: “It’s the 1st annual Sheri Lewis Labor Day Telethon!”

22: “Who pinched Pat Nixon on the vvvvvvvtt last night?”

21: “Fred’s Quarry, home of the world’s largest manmade canyon.”

20: “Johnny ripped out the throat of the polo pony with his small, sharp teeth.”

19: “If it actually did anything, we’d have to charge more for it.”

18: “We’ll have to do the show locked in a storage room.”

17: “Flood Plain Estates, where a man’s home is his island.”

16: “I’m apathetic and don’t really catch on very fast.”

8: "Under every great mall there's a custodian."

It's the Duck Logic Comedy 1/2 Hour teaser