All Episodes - The Dunce Caps
Rob and Chris are dumb. In an effort to become less dumb, they started a podcast to relearn everything they were taught as children. Listen to us be dumb so you don't have to be. We are The Dunce Caps.
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The Viking Spirit: Chapter 45
This week Rob & Chris finally finish the book with the greatest viking story of all... RAGNAROK! Rob preps for Ragnarok in the office, Chris saves cats in the apocalypse and Loki rides a fingernail ship. TLDR: "This is my personal Ragnarok"
The Viking Spirit: Chapter 44 (part 2)
This week Rob & Chris learn about the best Chinese food for funerals, the games vikings used to play and a Nitro Circus styl engagement. TLDR: Who cares, we're brothers now!
The Viking Spirit: Chapter 44 (part 1)
This week Rob & Chris learn about a great dragon battle, Raiden Odin, and get into some horse dick math in part 1 of, The Saga of Sigurd TLDR: Regin & Kathy Lee
The Viking Spirit: Chapter 43
This week Rob & Chris learn about an Otter man who is killed by Loki and has his skin filled with the cursed gold of Andvari shipped to his family. TLDR: He was as big as a beaver!
The Viking Spirit: Chapter 42
The week Chris & Rob learn about the cruel punishment of Loki and his insecure wife. TLDR: Imitation crab and whore algae
The Viking Spirit: Chapter 40
Chris & Rob learn about the 2nd version of Balder's death... and you know what... just as bad as version 1. TLDR: Make my wife cum. I'm moving to the woods.
The Viking Spirit: Chapter 41
Chris & Rob learn about the time Loki ruined a dinner party for the other Viking gods. TLDR: (Signaling to the waiter) "Can I get a refill?"
The Viking Spirit: Chapters 39
Rob and Chris learn about the death of Balder, version 1. TLDR: Make Valhalla Ragnarok Again.
The Viking Spirit: Chapters 37 + 38
Rob and Chris learn about Thor cock blocking the dwarf Alviss, then Balder has a bad ream. TLDR: Wake up junkie pill head.
The Viking Spirit: Chapters 35 + 36
Rob and Chris learn about Odin's wisdom contest with Vafthrudnir and Thor's cross-dressing exploits. TLDR: beanie teenies.
The Viking Spirit: Chapters 34
Rob and Chris learn about Thor's challenge with Utgarda-Loki. TLDR: More trickery, less death.
The Viking Spirit: Chapters 32 + 33
Rob and Chris learn about a classic father son story involving Thor and Odin. TLDR: What were YOU doing?
The Viking Spirit: Chapter 31
Rob and Chris learn about Thor's duel with Hrungnir. TLDR: lotta stones.
The Viking Spirit: Chapter 30
Rob and Chris learn about Gefjun, but mostly just talk about Disney. TLDR: Annoying phone calls.
The Viking Spirit: Chapters 28 + 29
Rob and Chris learn about Frey's wooing of Gerd and another story of Odin wearing a disguise. TLDR: Undercover Odin.
The Viking Spirit: Chapters 26 + 27
Rob and Chris learn two stories about the thot goddess Freya. TLDR: Toxic Relationships.
The Viking Spirit: Chapters 25
Rob and Chris learn about Thor and Geirrod. Chris tells a story of hypothetical cannibal questions. TLDR: Broccoli Rabe.
The Viking Spirit: Chapters 23 + 24
Rob and Chris learn about the kidnapping of Idun and the marriage of Njord and Skadi. TLDR: Pitmaster Odin.
The Viking Spirit: Chapters 21 + 22
Rob and Chris learn about the binding of the wolf Fenrir and Thor's fishing trip. TLDR: The birds, the bees, and the tentacles.
Political Bonus
Rob and Chris give their take on the storming of the Capitol building. Also, fast food time machine scenarios. Unedited, Unflitered, RAW stupidity. TLDR: We love you, but you have to go home.
The Viking Spirit: Chapters 19 + 20
Rob and Chris learn about the discovery of the runes and how Odin lost his eye. TLDR: You would never be Odin.
The Viking Spirit: Chapters 17 + 18
Rob and Chris learn about the treasures of the gods and how Asgard's wall was built. TLDR: Hammer rave.
The Viking Spirit: Chapters 15 + 16
Rob and Chris learn the stories of The War of The Gods and The Mead of Poetry, TLDR: Odin goes undercover.
The Viking Spirit: Chapters 13 + 14
Rob and Chris learn about the creation of the first humans and the Viking class system. TLDR: The middle spoon in the drawer.
The Viking Spirit: Chapter 12
Rob and Chris learn about the Viking creation of the Cosmos story. TLDR: Merry Viking Christmas!
The Viking Spirit: Chapter 11
Rob and Chris learn about what constitutes Norse mythology and how it will shape the remaining chapters of the book. TLDR: CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES.
The Viking Spirit: Chapter 10 (Part 2)
Rob and Chris learn more about Viking magic and shamanism. TLDR: A pile of rocks.
The Viking Spirit: Chapter 10 (Part 1)
Rob and Chris learn about Viking magic and shamanism. TLDR: It's time to strut.
The Viking Spirit: Chapter 9
Rob and Chris learn about Viking holy places, festivals, sacrifices, and personal devotion. TLDR: Very lax dog laws.
The Viking Spirit: Chapter 8
Rob and Chris learn about a Viking funeral as well as their conception of the afterlife. TLDR: Throw it on the boat.
The Viking Spirit: Chapter 7
Rob and Chris learn about the norse conception of the self and discuss various spirit animals. TLDR: Pick up the axe.
The Viking Spirit: Chapter 6
Rob and Chris learn about the norse conception of morality, honor, and sexuality. TLDR: Grass is always greener.
The Viking Spirit: Chapter 5
Rob and Chris learn about the norse conception of fate and destiny. TLDR: Tainted mead.
The Viking Spirit: Chapter 4
Rob and Chris learn about viking cosmology, the otherworld, and time. TLDR: All purchases are final.
The Viking Spirit: Chapter 3
Rob and Chris learn about giants, elves, valkyries, and land spirits. TLDR: Look under your bed.
The Viking Spirit: Chapter 2 (Part 2)
Rob and Chris learn about the rest of the more popular Norse gods. TLDR: I'm a Balder guy.
The Viking Spirit: Chapter 2 (Part 1)
Rob and Chris learn about some of the Norse gods, beginning with Odin and Thor. Turns out Norse mythology is eerily similar to the plot of "Dazed and Confused". TLDR: Is this canon?
The Viking Spirit: Chapter 1
Rob and Chris begin a new journey with the book "The Viking Spirit" by Daniel McCoy. In Chapter 1 the guys discuss a fictional story about a young viking named Sverrir as he goes on his first raid. TLDR: I've seen that face before.
Coronavirus Bonus (Part 18)
Rob and Chris give an important update regarding the Coronavirus outbreak from their respective bunkers. The guys discuss 10 common myths from movies. Part 18 of an ongoing series of stupidity in a time of uncertainty. TLDRL: More paperwork.
Coronavirus Bonus (Part 17.2)
Rob and Chris give an important update regarding the Coronavirus outbreak from their respective bunkers. The guys discuss 5 more jobs that disappeared from history. Part 17.2 of an ongoing series of stupidity in a time of uncertainty. TLDRL: Release the hens!
Coronavirus Bonus (Part 17)
Rob and Chris give an important update regarding the Coronavirus outbreak from their respective bunkers. The guys discuss 5 jobs that disappeared from history. Part 17 of an ongoing series of stupidity in a time of uncertainty. TLDRL: Get Pepper on the line!
Coronavirus Bonus (Part 16)
Rob and Chris give an important update regarding the Coronavirus outbreak from their respective bunkers. The guys get a new email from Jordan, discuss Russian bots and other terrible things from the internet. Part 16 of an ongoing series of stupidity in a time of uncertainty. TLDR: Paying for death.
Coronavirus Bonus (Part 15.2)
Rob and Chris give an important update regarding the Coronavirus outbreak from their respective bunkers. The guys discuss 5 more of the worse jobs in history for boys. Part 15.2 of an ongoing series of stupidity in a time of uncertainty. TLDR: I'll raise you 7 cobs!
Coronavirus Bonus (Part 15)
Rob and Chris give an important update regarding the Coronavirus outbreak from their respective bunkers. The guys discuss 5 of the worse jobs in history for boys. Part fifteen of an ongoing series of stupidity in a time of uncertainty. TLDR: Free crumbs.
Coronavirus Bonus (Part 14.3)
Rob and Chris give an important update regarding the Coronavirus outbreak from their respective bunkers. The guys discuss another 5 of the loneliest people in history. Part 14.3 of an ongoing series of stupidity in a time of uncertainty. TLDR: Space pudding.
Coronavirus Bonus (Part 14.2)
Rob and Chris give an important update regarding the Coronavirus outbreak from their respective bunkers. The guys talk about buying and doing fireworks leading up to the 4th of July holiday. Part 14.2 of an ongoing series of stupidity in a time of uncertainty. TLDR: Live Free or Die.
Coronavirus Bonus (Part 14)
Rob and Chris give an important update regarding the Coronavirus outbreak from their respective bunkers. The guys discuss 5 of the loneliest people in history. Part fourteen of an ongoing series of stupidity in a time of uncertainty. TLDR: Always alone.
Coronavirus Bonus (Part 13)
Rob and Chris give an important update regarding the Coronavirus outbreak from their respective bunkers. Part thirteen of an ongoing series of stupidity in a time of uncertainty. TLDR: Trinkets 2020.
Coronavirus Bonus (Part 12.3)
Rob and Chris give an important update regarding the Coronavirus outbreak from their respective bunkers. The guys talk about 5 more grisly deaths during the American frontier and give an update on youtube rapper AJ Andrews. Part 12.3 of an ongoing series of stupidity in a time of uncertainty. TLDR: Reverse gangbang.
Coronavirus Bonus (Part 12.2)
Rob and Chris give an important update regarding the Coronavirus outbreak from their respective bunkers. The guys discuss the murder of George Floyd and the ensuing protests/riots. Part 12.2 of an ongoing series of stupidity in a time of uncertainty. TLDR: Do better, be better.
Coronavirus Bonus (Part 12.1)
Rob and Chris give an important update regarding the Coronavirus outbreak from their respective bunkers. The guys talk about 5 different grisly deaths during the American frontier. Part twelve of an ongoing series of stupidity in a time of uncertainty. TLDR: BEAVERS!
Coronavirus Bonus (Part 11)
Rob and Chris give an important update regarding the Coronavirus outbreak from their respective bunkers. Part eleven of an ongoing series of stupidity in a time of uncertainty. TLDR: Let's go back.
Coronavirus Bonus (Part 10)
Rob and Chris give an important update regarding the Coronavirus outbreak from their respective bunkers. They guys get an email update from their favorite listener, Jordan. Part ten of an ongoing series of stupidity in a time of uncertainty. TLDR: Simple house projects.
Coronavirus Bonus (Part 9)
Rob and Chris give an important update regarding the Coronavirus outbreak from their respective bunkers. Chris discovers a new underground hip hop artist on youtube. Part nine of an ongoing series of stupidity in a time of uncertainty. TLDR: I would do pills to this.
Coronavirus Bonus (Part 8)
Rob and Chris give an important update regarding the Coronavirus outbreak from their respective bunkers. The guys discuss ten cryptids/creatures you most likely have never heard of before. Part eight of an ongoing series of stupidity in a time of uncertainty. TLDR: We did the Monster Mash.
Coronavirus Bonus (Part 7)
Rob and Chris give an important update regarding the Coronavirus outbreak from their respective bunkers. The guys continue their discussion of some bizarre diseases you may not have heard of before. Part seven of an ongoing series of stupidity in a time of uncertainty. TLDR: Get kinky America!
Coronavirus Bonus (Part 6)
Rob and Chris give an important update regarding the Coronavirus outbreak from their respective bunkers. Part six of an ongoing series of stupidity in a time of uncertainty. TLDR: No one is safe.
Coronavirus Bonus (Part 5)
Rob and Chris give an important update regarding the Coronavirus outbreak from their respective bunkers. The guys discuss some bizarre diseases you may not have heard of before. Part five of an ongoing series of stupidity in a time of uncertainty. TLDR: Bring out the dentist robot!
Coronavirus Bonus (Part 4)
Rob and Chris give an important update regarding the Coronavirus outbreak from their respective bunkers. Rob and Chris talk about anything and everything regarding the most popular dressing in America, Ranch. Part four of an ongoing series of stupidity in a time of uncertainty. TLDR: Wishbone is for garbage people.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 15 (Part 2)
Rob and Chris finish the History of Western Philosophy book and end it with a special message for the author, Anthony Gottlieb. TLDR: foodies for god.
Coronavirus Bonus (Part 3)
Rob and Chris give an important update regarding the Coronavirus outbreak from their respective bunkers. Rob and Chris return to listverse and discuss the top 10 weird alchemists of history. Part three of an ongoing series of stupidity in a time of uncertainty. TLDR: So much piss.
Coronavirus Bonus (Part 2)
Rob and Chris give an important update regarding the Coronavirus outbreak from their respective bunkers. Part two of an ongoing series of stupidity in a time of uncertainty. TLDR: Wash your ass.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 15 (Part 1)
Rob and Chris learn about philosophical pursuits after the middle ages. TLDR: Real men.
Coronavirus Bonus
Rob and Chris give an important update regarding the Coronavirus outbreak from their respective bunkers. Part I of an ongoing series of stupidity in a time of uncertainty. TLDR: More bread for us.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 14 (Part 6)
Rob and Chris end this chapter with some more christian philosophy. TLDR: Spirit and weights.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 14 (Part 5)
Rob and Chris are still learning about philosophy. TLDR: It's a mechy situation.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 14 (Part 4)
Rob and Chris can't stop/won't stop learning about philosophy. TLDR: GOD AND DUBSTEP.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 14 (Part 3)
Rob and Chris continue to learn about philosophy during late late antiquity and the middle ages. TLDR: Noodles with butter, NO SAUCE.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 14 (Part 2)
Rob and Chris continue to learn about philosophy during the Middles Ages and are joined by their friends, the Romans. TLDR: You want to do some tabs?
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 14 (Part 1)
Rob and Chris learn about the lack of growth in philosophy during the Middle Ages. TLDR: RIP Kobe Bryant
History of Western Philosophy: Bonus
Rob and Chris catch up with each other after a short hiatus. They'll be back to doing some book learning next week! TLDR: Too many pork chops.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 13 (Part 6)
Rob and Chris learn about Sextus in the thrilling conclusion to Chapter 13! TLDR: Bread and rocks.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 13 (Part 5)
Rob and Chris learn about Pyrrho and the Sceptics, but mostly just tell stories. TLDR: Terrible Podcast Makes Terrible Move.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 13 (Part 4)
Rob and Chris learn about the Stoics. TLDR: Shut up Dr. Steve!
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 13 (Part 3)
Rob and Chris learn about the Epicureans. TLDR: Friends and ice cream.
Bonus: Episode 250 Celebration
Rob and Chris celebrate episode 250 of the podcast. We did it!!!! TLDR: Too much learning.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 13 (Part 2)
Rob and Chris learn about Epicurus aka "the pig". TLDR: The Beach is underrated.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 13 (Part 1)
Rob and Chris continue their journey into the philosophy abyss with the Stoics, Sceptics and Epicureans. TLDR: The SpikeTV of Philosophy.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 12 (Part 4)
Rob and Chris are finally done with Aristotle. TLDR: CLEAN SLATE.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 12 (Part 3)
Rob and Chris learn some more about Aristotle and make some logical deductions. TLDR: The equations don't lie.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 12 (Part 2)
Rob and Chris continue their discussion of Aristotle and the forces of motion. TLDR: Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 12 (Part 1)
Rob and Chris learn about Aristotle and his unique approach to asking the right questions. TLDR: Dead animals.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 11 (Part 3)
Rob and Chris wrap up their discussion of Plato, the Republic, and god. TLDR: It's lonely up here.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 11 (Part 2)
Rob and Chris learn about Plato's utopia and why it will never actually exist. TLDR: You'll never be a philosopher king.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 11 (Part 1)
Rob and Chris learn about Plato and his crust punk school for crust punks. TLDR: Does anybody have a dollar?
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 10 (Part 4)
Rob and Chris learn how Socrates' influenced other lesser known philosophers. TLDR: Might as well start cumming.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 10 (Part 3)
Rob and Chris learn some more about Socrates, but mostly get distracted. TLDR: Really bad poison.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 10 (Part 2)
Rob and Chris learn about the trial of Socrates and the four men he considered friends. TLDR: I loved that pig.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 10 (Part 1)
Rob and Chris learn about Socrates, his band the Socratics, and the art of talk fighting. TLDR: Come get some slop!
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 9 (Part 2)
Rob and Chris learn more about the Sophists and get a glimpse of the trial of Socrates. TLDR: Chocolate has the room.
4th of July Post Show (Bonus)
Rob and Chris recap the 4th of July weekend they spent together in NYC. TLDR: Tired AF.
4th of July Pre Show (Bonus)
This week Rob & Chris celebrate freedom together... actually together because Rob is in NYC! The guys get ready for Washington Heights 4th of July and have a special surprise guest, friend and comedian, Nanie Mendez! (IG: @naniemendez) TLDR: "Who's buying that? Its Chris Metcalfe "
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 9 (Part 1)
Rob and Chris learn about the Sophists who were really into dinner parties, especially the kind that end in masked sex orgies. TLDR: Let the orgy begin!
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 8 (Part 2)
Rob and Chris learn some more about Democritus and why he was the last to laugh. TLDR: Rad Dad!
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 8 (Part 1)
Rob and Chris learn about the philosopher Democritus and the atomists. TLDR: Magnets!
History of Western Philosophy: Bonus II
Rob and Chris respond to a listener email from the show's #1 brain surgeon photographer, Jordan! TLDR: In other words...
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 7
Rob and Chris learn about Anaxagoras and his obsession with the mind's relationship with matter and the physical world. Also, retarded animal brains. TLDR: Bones up!
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 6
Rob and Chris learn about love and strife with everyone's favorite philosopher/skateboard founder Empodocles. TLDR: the big crunch.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 5
Rob and Chris learn about the philosopher/incel Zeno and his famous paradoxes. TLDR: Wait, are these paradoxes??
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 4 (Part 2)
Rob and Chris continue to learn about Parmenides and what exactly "nothing" means philosophically. TLDR: You can call me Al.
History of Western Philosophy: Bonus
Rob and Chris are joined by Ashlynn Salzano (Comedian, host of the podcast "Ya Know What I Mean?") and try their best to understand the philosopher Parmenides. TLDR: Goodbye.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 4 (Part 1)
Rob and Chris learn about Parmenides and struggle to explain what "nothing" is and why it's so hard to talk about. TLDR: Technical difficulties.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 3
Rob and Chris learn about the first true social media influencer and master riddler, Heroclitus. TLDR: Number 5, every time!
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 2 (Part 3)
Rob and Chris learn some more about Pythagoras weird, but cool, math cult that continued on long after his time. Johannes Kepler gets freaky with the cosmos and face painting. TLDR: cosmic sluts.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 2 (Part 2)
Rob and Chris learn more about Pythagoras and why numbers are so important. Music makes the people come together...or something. TLDR: Can we get back to the numbers?!
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 2 (Part1)
Rob and Chris learn about the famed philosopher/mathematician Pythagoras. Pythagoras may very well have been the first motivational/inspirational speaker/philosopher who also really liked math. The guys discuss the plight of the poor sushi chefs forced to cook for Americans. Zeus has sex with someone he probably shouldn't have as was tradition. TLDR: Everybody loves bang bang shrimp!
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 1 (Part 2)
Rob and Chris learn about the third of the first know pre-socratic philosophers. Anaximenes was known as the wind guy who was mostly wrong as hell. What's on the other side of a black hole? Find out now! TLDR: Everyone's got claws.
History of Western Philosophy: Chapter 1 (Part 1)
Rob and Chris learn about two of the earliest known western philosophers in the first chapter of a BRAND NEW BOOK. Thales gets stuck in a hole and can't get out. Anaximander digs deep and builds a cool diorama. Also, humans might've begun life by sucking on fish tits. TLDR: Case closed, Hail Thales!
Interim Series of Random Topics: No Topic
This week Rob & Chris have nothing prepared for this episode. Chris goes to jury duty and Rob gets too high at church. TLDR: "I've been the victim of multiple muggings."
Interim Series of Random Topics: Historical Controversies
This week Rob & Chris review a list of Historical Controversies! England has a legit pedophile cup, but its a knockoff. Jack the Ripper fans have some slit throat cos play fun. And archeologists debate about which mummy is hotter. TLDR: When the apocalypse happens. Not if.
Interim Series of Random Topics: President Facts (part 2)
This week Rob & Chris are back to finish their list of presidential facts! They cover George Washington's philosophy on drinking, Dwight Eisenhower's squirrel problem and Calvin Coolidge's Vaseline breakfast. It gets weird as hell. TLDR: Parrot Andrew Dice Clay
Interim Series of Random Topics: President Facts (part 1)
This week Rob & Chris break down yet another list! But this time we visit some of our old patriotic friends, the US Presidents! Plus new friends like Abe Lincoln's alcoholic business partner William Barry, John Quincy Adam's murdering buddy "Hangman" Jack, and "DUMBO" LBJ's penis. TLDR: "No Mr. President I have not seen one that big. I did 2 tours!"
Interim Series of Random Topics: Military Animals (part 2)
This week Rob & Chris pick up where they left off last week with Military Animals Part 2! The middle-east becomes very suspicious of squirrels, ancient Rome had a spike collared dog army, and some country used turkeys as parachutes. TLDR: Couper has an Italian style Halloween.
Interim Series of Random Topics: Military Animals (part 1)
The week Rob & Chris learn about the various animals that worked with the military. Some were used as helpful tools to carry messages or move heavy items, but mostly they were strapped to explosives, then released on the enemy. All this and more on Part 1 of Military Animals! TLDR: Pigeon Pilot
Interim Series of Random Topics: The Bone Wars
This week Rob & Chris learn about "The Bone Wars" of the 1800's! A time when dinosaur bones were bountiful and archeology was exciting! So exciting that this guy Cole & Marsh were constantly fighting over bones and paid hillbillies to find more. Then one of them died. TLDR: J.P. Morgan named all the dinosaurs.
Interim Series of Random Topics: Strange Foods (part 2)
THis week Rob & Chris cover part 2 of Top 10 Strangest Foods people used to eat. There is only 3 spots left, but the guys bullshit so much it takes a while to get through. Its fun. TLDR: Toast Sandwich
Interim Series of Random Topics: Strange Foods (part 1)
This week Rob & Chris go through yet another list, Top 10 Strangest Foods people used to eat. Turns out, not all that strange to the guys since they'd eat half of the items on the list anyway. TLDR: Who wants some skin!?
Interim Series of Random Topics: Pharaoh Stuff (Part 2)
Rob & Chris are back to finish out the second half of their "Top 10 Weirdest Pharaoh Stuff". Now the pharaohs are masturbating into rivers. Cleopatra's getting rolled-up in rugs surrounded by a bunch of honey covered slaves and of course... Kanye. TLDR: "I'm sloppy but I'm fun."
Interim Series of Random Topics: Pharaoh Stuff (Part 1)
Merry Christmas! This week is part 1 of Rob & Chris discussing a list of weird things pharaohs used to do while in charge of Egypt. TLDR: Get this mummy a passport and a scotch.
Interim Series: SOUND CHECK(BONUS)
Rob & Chris have taken another sound check way off the rails. Now its an episode. TLDR: Rob loves Guy Fieri non-ironically now.
Interim Series of Random Topics: Weird Ancient Medicines
This week Rob & Chris explore another list of click bate bullshit and dive deep into the world of strange ancient medicines. TLDR: Rub poop in that cut and eat some of this mummy dust.
Interim Series of Random Topics (NO BOOK): Samuri (part 2)
This week Rob & Chris finish out their list of Japan's 12 Coolest Samurai Part 2 and its even FAAAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBERER! TLDR: We botched the intro, its Samurai, not weird medicines. whoops.
Interim Series of Random Topics (NO BOOK): Samurai (part 1)
This week Rob & Chris go through a list Japan's 12 Coolest Samurai Part 1 and its FAAAAAAAAAAAAAB! TLDR: "That's just 2 guys painted black on some shoulders. Get this bullshit outta here!"
Interim Series of Random Topics (NO BOOK): Wizards
This week Rob & Chris dive deep into the world of wizards! From the most reliable sources on the internet! TLDR: "Dimitri Diablo can sometimes be seen driving his purple Lamborghini Diablo"- Mystic Investigations
Interim Series of Random Topics(aka NO BOOK): Dunce Cap
Now that Rob and Chris have finally finished the Ancient History book; they've decided to take a break from books all together and dive a little deeper into some topics they've brushed over in past. That and whatever other dumb stuff they decide to look up on the internet. To kick off this textbook interim the guys learn about the origins of the Dunce Cap. TLDR:
Ancient History: Chapter 85 (part 2)
The final episode of the this book! Its the end of old school Rome for Rob & Chris. Rome realizes people follow their local lacrosse coach more than some random dick king. So they divide the power into sections after 9 kings get murdered in a row. After a bunch of confusion, Constantine finally comes out on top as the ruler of Rome, but with the help of Jesus who came to him in a dream. Supposedly. Regardless, Christianity takes over and ends the fun, orgy having Rome we all know and love forever. On the bright side, Rob & Chris come up with a great new Jamaica themed restaurant idea called, Sean Paul's Grill. Jah Dust anything on the menu for $2.99! TLDR: "...and she that apple. That's as far as I got. That book is bad."
Ancient History: Chapter 85 (part 1)
This is it for Rob & Chris... almost. Part 1 of the last chapter of this long ass book! Rome is weak and barely hanging on. Meanwhile Persia aka the Sha, is making a comeback...but these DOGS WON'T SHUT UP! Also a bunch of Goths arrive in swarms to destroy Rome... not American goths, Nordic goths; the kind who listen to black metal and burn down churches. 'Forgettable' Phillip, the king of Rome, pays off the goths, but runs out of goats, so they get fucked up. Zoroastrianism comes back in a big way and they turn Valerian, a different Roman king, into a human step stool. Things are not looking good for Rome. TLDR: "Jay-Z's always looked weird, but he looks extra weird now."
Ancient History: Chapter 84 (part 2)
This week Rob & Chris are doing half China and half Rome. In China the Yellow Turbans claim to have magic that no one can actually see and the eunuchs are stirring up the government by putting hits out their officials... until they're slaughtered, leaving the eunuchs extinct. Rob & Chris go for a hike with a cool priest and we find out that the show's producer, Couper, has a hidden chryo vault filled with his seamen. Meanwhile in Rome...2 brothers rule until one murders the other, but doesn't want to talk about it. So stop! But soon after he gets murdered while shitting his pants from a tummy ache and a new emperor "Black Hole" takes over. But, he ends up worshiping a rock he found and cuts his own dick on purpose. The Romans don't like that, so they murder him and drag his dead body through the town square, a race track, the sewer, and then tied to a pier. That's how it ends. Its dope. TLDR: "We're not called wizards! We're sorcerers dammit!" -Chinese Wizard
Ancient History: Chapter 84 (part 1)
Rob & Chris are getting closer to the fall of Rome after a stint of peaceful years comprised of grown men adopting other grown men so they can be emperor as their son heir... the plan was working flawlessly. Until this one sensitive emperor Marcus Aurelius, sold all his shit and moved into a tent and elected his actual, "greek" dickhead, son Commodus the next in line; all cause his co-king brother Lucius had a seizure. Meanwhile Rob brings some cheese wiz to a kosher deli and Chris just wants a juice box. Also Rome gets super sick with small pox for a long time cause they elected another guido wannabe mobster, Septimus as emperor. Who also hires his sons to be co-emperors... and, unsurprisingly, are dicks too. TLDR: Make your friend king, not your son. Don't be like the China.
Ancient History: Chapter 83
This week Rob & Chris are back in China. The Hans don't molest their royal kids like the Romans do, but they do kill them.. a lot. While all these these dead kid kings are happening, the dickless servants, Eunuchs, starts adopting son recruits and form a secret society called the Ten Regular Attendants. Outside the royal walls, the rest of China is forming miniature dynasties, but then all of it gets shut the fuck down with a plague, a flood, then a bunch of bugs, a barbarian invasion, and then everyone gets super sick again. Luckily these young magic enthusiasts called the Yellow Turbans, bring hope to the sad/poor/sick people. TLDR: "All I've got is holes bro!"
Ancient History: Chapter 83- The Shorts (sound check bonus)
Rob & Chris have a long sound check, so now its an episode. TLDR: The Shorts
Ancient History: Chapter 82
Seems like Rob and Chris are stuck in Rome and Jerusalem, which is kind of apart of Rome... anyway. Vespasian is dead and his son Titus takes over Rome but gets hit with a volcano, city fire and epidemic killing thousands. Then he dies of the flu. Then the guys ask the age old question; Do you need to sleep with boys to become powerful? You know who doesn't care; Domitian, cause he follows the rules and buries virgins alive if they screw to early. But soon after his family murders him. So now Nerva becomes king but then he dies after his pool boy's wiener gets cut off and shoved in his mouth by the Roman soldiers as a message, who then elect the garbage man Tarjan! Who actually ends up being dope. Rob suddenly gets philosophical and Chris has plans for kid island...spoiler: no kids get didded. Rome takes over Parthia, but they leave cause its too hot. Titus dies, now Hadrian is ruler of Rome and he is super medium at it. TLDR: "Are you gay right now?"
Ancient History: Chapter 81 (part 2)
This week Rob & Chris learn about Claudius and his great victories in Britain, that he didn't actually lead cause he's to delicate. But not too delicate to marry his cousin, who eventually poisons him so Nero can be ruler of Rome...spoiler alert. Then Nero banished his mom from Rome, cuts off his wife's head and uses it as an engagement ring to marry his friends wife. But he kicked her to death and found a boy replacement instead. But people got really mad when he sang Billie Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" on his roof while Rome was burning down, so they forced him to commit suicide, but he was a pussy and needed his friends help. Then after a short old guy stint with Galba, Rome ends up with Vespasian, but he has to finishing fighting the Jews first. TLDR: Pass The Old Bay
Ancient History: Chapter 81 (part 1)
This week the Rob & Chris meet up with Jesus again! But this time he's rolling into town with his Apostles and ruins a poker tournament run by a bunch of Jew Wizards. Meanwhile back in Rome, Tiberius kills a bunch of people and runs off the island of "Kid" Capri, where he sings to his "Minnows" on a boat looking at his "Mermaids"... But he dies and so does Jesus. Caligula in now in charge and becomes a spider. In doing so bangs his sisters, elects his horse governor of Rome and lays eggs inside people as punishment...only one of those is fake. Finally Jesus comes back from the dead and sends a doubtful Thomas to India. While in India Thomas does magic for good ole' Gondophernes and turns him into a gentile. Also there are wizards everywhere. TLDR: Smoke bomb!
Ancient History: Jordon-sode 3 (bonus)
Jordon wrote in to Rob & Chris so they did another Jordon-sode! TLDR: hot dogging and grand standing
Ancient History: Chapter 80
This week the guys are back in China with Wang Mang, this new temporary ruler of the Hans who poisoned a bunch of kids. Meanwhile the wizards are back and more disgusting than ever. Turns out they are super poor and no one appreciates their real magic. Then half of the population of China dies cause Wang Mang said it was from heaven. The people get angry and revolt as the Red Eye Brows, so they can tell each other apart... for real. And finally we learn about the origins of the great Kaplan standardized tests! TLDR: "Who's into wizards!? Raise those hands ya freaks."
Ancient History: Chapter 79 (part 2)
Still in Rome and it's looking like Rob and Chris will be there until the end of this book. Octavian is now sole "king" of Rome even though no one knows that cause everyone thinks he's a Hero named Augustus. So they make Augustus TIME magazine's Man of The Forever Infinity Forever guy formerly known as Octavian. Rome get 4 of Parthia's royal son's in exchange for one slave chick and ends up being ruled by a mom and son incest duo. Augustus shakes things up at the senate meetings. Wanting an heir, Augustus then starts marrying off his daughter until she meets a weird Sci-fi goth named Tiberius who ends up ruling Rome cause Augustus couldn't find anyone better before he died. TLDR: Augustus gets bad diarrhea and gets pretty before he dies.
Ancient History: Chapter 79 (part 1)
This week Rob & Chris are still in Rome. Caesar is dead, but his dressing and undetermined title of leader of Rome live on! Brutus wanted to throw Caesar's stabbed up dead body in the river, like the Romans have started doing. But Marc Anthony steps in with his Hispanic rhythms and takes over. First decree, funeral party for Caesar's body! But then there is a riot. After, Octavian comes home to avenge his (technically not) dad, Caesar, and rule Rome in his place. Like all great (not technically) son's, he follows in his dad's footsteps and creates a second Triumvirate with Marc Anthony and his dinky friend Lepidus. But like all the Triumvirates before them (only been one before them), it fails. Marc Anthony gets sucked dry by Cleopatra and kills himself like a shitty samurai. Lepidus gets sentenced to a lifetime of house arrest, and Octavian keeps the (not technically) family business alive... for now. TLDR: More Marc Anthony talk.
Ancient History: Chapter 78 (part 2)
This week the guys pick up where they left off in Rome with Trifecta-Team or whatever is still in charge. Caesar accidentally finds England (pre Big Ben) Crassus's beheaded, head gets used as a prop in a Parthian play. Pompey gets his head cut off by a bunch of Egyptian birthday booze cruise employees. And Caesar gets stabbed a lot, but shittily, and slowly; HOWEVER HIS DRESSING LIVES ON AND TOTES BANGED CLEOPATRA! ASK SCOTT. TLDR: Deputy of Rome & Ex-husband of JLo; Marc Anthony!
Ancient History: Chapter 78 (part 1)
This week Rob & Chris learn about the first wrestling Triumvirate, with Pompey, Crassus and Caesar! Also a bunch of gladiators escape and almost over thrown Rome, but they tricked by a bunch of pirates, when really Spartacus just wants to go home. After the Triumvirate take the Roman belt in the ring, Caesar begins his dressing empire! TLDR: "That's my kind of salad."
Ancient History: Chapter 77
This week Rob and Chris are in Rome, but also China...They're kinda connected at this point, anyway, this guy Marius becomes the new hero of Rome then retires, but comes out of retirement because he's jealous of this guy Sulla, who's way younger and insaner then he is, but in a different way, cause he ends up burning down Rome to restore order with his new side kicks Pompey and Crassus; the three of them are what you call a Triumvirate. Also China is in there somewhere too.... its complicated to say the least. TLDR: These Chinese guys sleep under their horses and get away.
Ancient History: Chapter 76
This week Chris and Rob learn about Romes never ending slave problem. Meanwhile the Greeks and Carthage get shut down once and Scipio starts losing it after burning down to many villages. But then his men cheer him up by pooping on the ashes. The guys also learn about some interesting jobs in Rome, like the dead body tour guide and the cliff guys. TLDR: "Don't you matter what happens there." Sicilian slave owner
Ancient History: Chapter 75
This Chris and Rob are back in ancient China, but also Greece kinda too. Worlds are finally colliding! Chou Zou doesn't care if you used to fight him, or hate, but if you cursed him...that's where he draws the line! Then some kids crazy mom takes over China, but the people kill her so China is leaderless for a while, and THINGS ARE GREAT! But per usual barbarians show up with their Tim Ferris audio books and China must regroup to form a government. Finally the guys get to dive deeper into the life of a nomad by learning about their skull mugs, what its like working next to one of these nomads in an office and their armored woodland friends. Did you know that Wizards always have leaves on them? All this and more on this episode of The Dunce Caps! TLDR: "Bring bread-sticks & a wizard with you."
Ancient History: Chapter 74
This week the guys watch everyone fight for Greece because they have jet-skis and good crabbing. Rome pretty much dominates everyone, but all they really want are some new elephants. Meanwhile Hannibal has some tough interviews with fellow anti-Roman DJs. This guy Perseus eats to many benzos and kills people. Plus the Jews seek revenge while hiding in the trees. TLDR: The Bear Jew
Ancient History: Chapter 73 (part 2)
This week the guys watch Carthage terrorize Rome with whatever Elephants they have left, lead by Hannibal, the king who once slept on a dead dog cause is father asked him too... for real. Also Rob shares his love for TJMaxx! TLDR: Elephants love zeppoles
Ancient History: Chapter 73 (part 1)
This week the guys are back in Macedonia, but this time its super confusing cause all the important people have the same names with different numbers next to them and there's a dramatic slutty sister slash wife involved banging all the brothers. Meanwhile the Gauls slowly start to figure out that they need to sleep away from their poop and there are a bunch elephants stuck on Sicily. TLDR: Powerman 5000
Ancient History: Chapter 72 (Sound Check Bonus)
Sometimes the guys get caught up when doing their soundchecks. This is one of those times. TLDR: Chapter 72 soundcheck
Ancient History: Chapter 72
This week the guys are still in ancient China, formerly known as a cluster fuck. First they meet young Cheng, the Justin Beiber of Chinese government, who grows up too burn all of China's historical literature and DVDs... except for any renditions of Annie cause it's his favorite. Cheng organizes has the biggest 'team building exercise' known to man called; "Building The Great Wall of China! (Stop! China Time!)". Also the guys pay off a health inspector with classic Ben Franklin hoagie with extra LETTUCE (wink wink) TLDR: "We don't have a lot of time...I hear them."
Ancient History: Chapter 71
This week the guys are in old school India but this chapter is short so who cares about a description. TLDR: Trump turns Buddhist
Ancient History: Chapter 70 (part 2)
This week the guys learn about the secret death of Alexander the Great. First his unborn fetus son and "special" son, Phillip, are in charge. But then they get killed and Alex's best friends kept things "business as usual", by splitting up the kingdom. TLDR: I need my Bud Light girls almost falling over.
Ancient History: Chapter 70 (part 1)
This week the guys are hanging with the Macedonians again. Except this time with Alexander the Great...who just wants to be popular, but no one cares. Athens bends over and hands Greece over to him. Then Alex destroys Persia after Darius deserts his family. While you'd think that be enough for Alex, its not, and so he makes his soldiers continue onward and upward, even though they all wanna go home. TLDR: "War first.. then pussies and assholes."
Ancient History: Chapter 69
This week the guys learn about a bunch wars between Rome and the Samnites, but don't forget about the Latin League with their dangerous dance fighting...Ole! Just when you thought children sacrificing was over... its back! TLDR: Rob's Dad has never eaten spaghetti because its not Sicilian.
Ancient History: Chapter 68
This week the guys meet Phillip from Macedonia. TLDR: Don't let Phillips name fool you... he's crazy.
Ancient History: Chapter 67
Hurray. The guys are back...in ancient China...again. As always they're in a constant state of battle to stay happy. But then this rich kid's tutors die and he seeks revenge, but then becomes just another shitty king. Also the guys discuss the logistics of the 4 horse-pull-apart death and more about Confucius bull shit. TLDR: It's the same goddamn time every WEEK!
Ancient History: Chapter 66
This week the guys are back in Rome and its ball sack tap simmer. The poor people go camping, then they go to war to not be poor, but when they get back, they're still poor and a bunch of barbarians show up. TLDR: Hail Rome
Bonus Chapter: "Jordan-sode"
Special "Jordan-Sode"! Jordan reassures Rob and Chris that Xerxes was in fact crazy... but Rob's not so sure. TLDR: Shots out to the Neuro IR wing of Michigan University yo!
Ancient History: Chapter 65 (part 2)
This week the guys are still in ancient Greece. First the Spartans are fucking each other to prepare for battle. Next the Greeks encounter Al, a flamboyant trickster, who stirs up the pot. Then finally the Greeks fight each other, but really its Persia? Who knows. TLDR: Who wants to suck Al's dick!?
Ancient History: Chapter 65 (part 1)
This week the guys learn about Peloponnesian Wars, which is just fancy for Athens VS Sparta. But then our new favorite friend Themmy, has some tricks up his sleeve! Also Persia shows up to get involved, but DOESN'T CARE. TLDR: Native Americans can blow smoke on anything they want anywhere they want... that is their right.
Ancient History: Chapter 64 (part 2)
The week the guys pick up where they left off... The Persian Wars or whatever...WE DON'T CARE BRO...part 2. Lot of people getting stuck in the marshes, discussions of Olympic rule changes like allowing knives in all water sports, and we learn about the greatest mercenary ever... Mike. TLDR: "My name's Mike and I am Mike."
Ancient History: Chapter 64 (part 1)
This week Rob and Chris learn about the Persian War! But as always they get distracted with discussions of Persian robots, the loose Hill People of Athens, and secret gay lover affairs that lead to death! TLDR: Initially I thought I was in the buying position. Turns out I'm in the selling position.
Ancient History: Chapter 63
This week the guys are back in Persia land. First they have dinner with a dead guy, but only after they solve an ancient history conspiracy theory...its a real "who done it". Meanwhile India is fighting like a guests on the Jerry Springer show. TLDR: "Get on the boat! We gotta go babe!"
Ancient History: Chapter 62
This week the guys are unenthusiasticly learning about ancient China again. The guys find out that priests need tripods for their side short film, Chinese nerds like Confucious, and breaking free from the distractions of life. TLDR: Monday is when I'll become ascetic... but right now, lets party!
Ancient History: Chapter 61
This week Rob and Chris learn more about a familiar subject... Buddhism and Sikhism! But mostly talk about weird old school priest sacrifices, the joys of having an on-hand sandwich maker, and the life lessons from the pigeon lady if she was still alive, post Kevin McCallister. TLDR: "Dammit...I mean I don't care...FUCK.........stop."
Ancient History: Chapter 60
Rob and Chris learn about the ancient Roman civilizations and just how obsessed they were with their mother's meatballs. TLDR: JUST PUT THE TIN IN THE BOAT.
Ancient History: Chapter 59
Rob and Chris learn about Cyrus the (not so?) Great as he takes over the Medes, the Persians, and the Babylonians. TLDR: One man's dead baby is another man's gold.
Ancient History: Chapter 58
Rob and Chris are back in Babylon talking about that crazy Marduk and how everyone was not super happy with the Jews. TLDR: BABYLON RUDE BOI MURDOK
Ancient History: Chapter 57
Rob and Chris learn about ancient Rome, but not really. They also catch up with the Assyrians and Chaldeans. TLDR: Does anyone got percs?
Ancient History: Chapter 56
Rob and Chris continue to learn about ancient Greece, specifically the crazy Spartans. TLDR: I will show you how Spartan I am!
Ancient History: Bonus // Jordan Files
Rob and Chris are set straight about ancient garbs and BFF statues by Dunce Caps super fan Jordan in this special bonus episode. TLDR: duncecaps666@gmail.com
Ancient History: Chapter 55
Rob and Chris learn about the Persians, Medes, and the greatest library of ancient civilization. TLDR: Are you wet?
Ancient History: Chapter 54
Rob and Chris learn more about the Assyrians, Babylonians, and mountain people. TLDR: Make Marduk Great Again!
Ancient History: Chapter 53
Rob and Chris continue to learn about ancient China and the 12 major center of power. Also, Rob has a cold. TLDR: China is consolidating.
Ancient History: Chapter 52
Rob and Chris learn more about the swamp people aka the wizard people aka the Chaldeans. TLDR: Ancient MTV Cribs.
Ancient History: Chapter 51
Rob and Chris learn more about Sargon, Tiglath-Pileser and the Assyrians. TLDR: Pink eye needs his drops!
Ancient History: Chapter 50
Rob and Chris learn about the decline of the Assyrian Empire and Tiglath-Pileser. TLDR: Let's go to Babylon, baby!
Ancient History: Chapter 49
Rob and Chris learn more about ancient Greece, the first Olympics, and the importance of dips. TLDR: Give me a salsa verde margarita, right now.
Ancient History: Chapter 48
Rob and Chris learn more about the Assyrians, Babylon, and the the singular cultural identity of the Greeks. TLDR: I brought wine, suck my dick!
Ancient History: Chapter 47
Rob and Chris learn about the last Assyrian Renaissance and the mountain Jews. TLDR: Hail Beavers!
Ancient History: Bonus III
Rob and Chris talk about baptizing Couper on this special bonus episode. TLDR: I just want to make sure he gets into heaven.
Ancient History: Chapter 46
Rob and Chris continue learning about ancient China and this time they are joined by their very special guest, Jude. TLDR: History keeps repeating (there's a fucking song about that)
Ancient History: Bonus II
Rob and Chris get introspective with special guest Jude on this bonus episode of The Dunce Caps. They'll get back to book learnin' next week, but for now enjoy listening to the guys discuss everything from blockchain technology, morality, motivation, and just who the fuck our audience is anyway with THE JUDE. TLDR: Fuck Thomas Edison.
Ancient History: Chapter 45
Rob and Chris learn about the original Jews and some weird fish god. TLDR: They're gonna remember this strong freak!
Ancient History: Chapter 44
Rob and Chris learn about the Burratta War with special guest/hunk Hayden Quinn. TLDR: If you don't care how I smell, sure, I'll have se with you.
Ancient History: Bonus
Rob and Chris get nostalgic and discuss walkmans and compact discs on this mini bonus episode. TLDR: Gotcha fuckers, more content!
Ancient History: Chapter 43
Rob and Chris learn about Wu, the first Zhou King, and the Mandate of Heaven. TLDR: City pussy, that's your name.
Ancient History: Chapter 42
Rob and Chris learn about the fall of the Shang Dynasty in ancient China. TLDR: Throw 'em on the rack!
Ancient History: Chapter 41
Rob and Chris learn about ancient Mesopotamia during the "dark times". TLDR: No more instruments / beating off.
Ancient History: Chapter 40
Rob and Chris learn about the dark age of Greece when the Doreans attempt to takeover the Mycenaeans. TLDR: We're due for a dragon infestation.
Ancient History: Chapter 39
Rob and Chris learn about the first real Woodstock back in ancient Egypt. TLDR: Let us in! Let us in!
Ancient History: Chapter 38
Rob and Chris learn about the Hittites, again. TLDR: Secret grains.
Ancient History: Chapter 37
Rob and Chris learn about the earliest Indian civilizations, except that that there's only one early book and it doesn't really say much. TLDR: I don't want to go back to Utah.
Ancient History: Chapter 36
Rob and Chris learn about the Wu-Ting clan out in Asia. TLDR: Jude, listen to this one. Also, still waiting for the dinner invite.
Ancient History: Chapter 35
Rob and Chris learn about one of the most well known Greek myths, The Trojan Horse. TLDR: Heterosexual and proud.
Ancient History: Chapter 34
Rob and Chris learn about the great general Pharaoh and his soldier protege. We're still in Egypt, but things get heated up when being ruled by a warlord. TLDR: They have holes.
Ancient History: Chapter 33
Rob and Chris learn about ancient civilizations. TLDR: Worst description ever.
Ancient History: Chapter 32
Rob and Chris are back in Egypt learning more about Amenhotep III. Amenhotep was a true ladies man and had a harem of women that would party on his lake boat. Amenhotep IV takes over and claims himself as the child of Aten, son of the sun, and things get real hot. TLDR: If mummies could talk, right?
Ancient History: Chapter 31
Rob and Chris learn about the Mycenaeans of Greece. This is a weird and short one. TLDR: Greek style.
Ancient History: Chapter 30
Rob and Chris learn about the Shang/Tang Dynasty of space beverages. Once again turmoil disrupts the Chinese and they are forced to move multiple times. TLDR: Oh man, don't go near that cage.
Ancient History: Chapter 29
Rob and Chris learn about the Mesopotamian three-way competition. After years of inner turmoil, a new pharaoh makes his mark by promising his people fidget spinners. Sauce tater steals a door and links up with other fellow Egyptian haters. TLDR: I’m chunky milk man, I’m a hero!
Ancient History: Chapter 28
Rob and Chris are back in Egypt learning about the Pharaoh Boy and his mother/wife. It's super hot and there's snakes everywhere. TLDR: More incest!
Ancient History: Chapter 27
Rob and Chris learn about Ahmose and his overwhelming need to avenge his father. The Nubians show up to help, but show up at the most inconvenient time. TLDR: Get off my damn lawn!
Ancient History: Chapter 26
Rob and Chris learn about the Hittite and their little boy king. The curmudgeon king Hattusilis has a little fun with his closest family members while on his deathbed. His grandson, Mursilis, takes over as king after Hattusilis death and shows his people that he's actually kind of a young asshole. TLDR: Wretchedly unhappy.
Ancient History: Chapter 25
Rob and Chris learn about the Harappan civilization in this very special (re: short) episode of The Dunce Caps! They also talk about a strange traveler who always needs just one dollar. TLDR: Does anyone have a dolllllaaaarrrr?!
Ancient History: Chapter 24
Rob and Chris learn about the ancient Greeks and their weird obsession with bulls. Archeologists go crazy when they find an entire society preserved in volcanic ash. They also talk about all the weird stuff you see on the sidewalks in Brooklyn. TLDR: Juicin' it!
Ancient History: Chapter 23
Rob and Chris are back in Egypt learning about what it's like to live in a desert with no rain. They also talk about dental dams and how to have a proper crab fight. TLDR: It's sooooo dry.
Ancient History: Chapter 22
Rob and Chris learn about Hammurabi's Empire. Shamshi-Adad and his two sons, Ishme-Dagan and Yasmah-Adad, do their best to get along by not trying at all. Hammurabi builds his empire and comes up with a cool list of rules everyone must follow. TLDR: The disappointing son.
Ancient History: Chapter 21
Rob and Chris learn about the overthrow of the Xia Dynasty. They also talk about the Chinese language, President Trump, and what could have been if Bill Clinton had become the first man of the White House. TLDR: Our asian accents return!
Ancient History: Chapter 20
Rob and Chris return to Ur and the Mesopotamia MIxing Bowl, where they decide they're gonna take it back to the moon god. They also talk about retro video games and suicidal thoughts. TLDR: 30 seconds left to get free lids!
Ancient History: Chapter 19
Rob and Chris learn about the worst pharaoh of all time, but mostly just talk about winning shitty prizes at an arcade. TLDR: The shit hits the fan (hippo farts).
Ancient History: Chapter 18
Rob and Chris learn about the first environmental disaster and just how bad salt can be for you. The fall of Ur can mean only one thing... vultures! TLDR: WHERE'S NANNA?!
Ancient History: Chapter 18 Bonus
Rob and Chris talk about selling out and getting a timeshare. TLDR: Bonus Episode!
Ancient History: Chapter 17
Rob and Chris learn about Abraham and Sarah, former moon people, who now speak to "god" and are on a journey to find their promised land. Abraham whores out Sarah a lot to save his own skin. After a long journey Abraham finally finds the promised land and cuts his dick to show he's really committed. TLDR: eleven out of TEN!
Ancient History: Chapter 16
Rob and Chris learn about the first Barbarian invasion. The Gutians only care about one thing: destruction. And rape. And Pillaging. But mostly destruction. TLDR: Parodies of men.
Ancient History: Chapter 15
Rob and Chris learn about the Pharaohs of Egypt, incest, the pyramids and slave labor. TLDR: Let's do it slaves!
Ancient History: Chapter 15 Bonus/Intro
Rob and Chris start Chapter 15 only to be distracted by people with dumb names. TLDR: Bonus!
Ancient History: Chapter 14
Rob and Chris learn about the Harappan civilization and go off the grid. TLDR: Tag it and bag it!
Ancient History: Chapter 13
Rob and Chris learn about the mysterious Sargon. They learn about some other stuff too, but that is also a mystery! TLDR: Mystery Episode!
Ancient History: Chapter 12
This week the guys learn about some new cities they can't pronounce and the crazy war freaks that ruled them. The guys decide to write a children's book. The guy's ice swords break in battle and they sell their kids for a new 4K TV! TLDR: It gets political?
Ancient History: Chapter 11
This week the guys learn about Egyptian pyramids and the lame pharaohs that enslaved people to make them. Check out Chris and Rob's new show HGTV's House Flip Into a Pyramids! Apparently the dead ancient kings ate food smelling steam through eye holes in their grave. And this one pharaoh wanted a smooth pyramids, but it took him a few times to get right. Then this one king guy whore'd his daughter to help make money on the side, GROSS! TLDR: "This is where my dead body will live. This is not a skate park!"
Ancient History: Chapter 10
The week the guys are hanging out with good ole Gilgamesh and his friend Kid Rock, as they wrestle each other and a giant from the woods. But when Kid Rock dies, Gilgamesh has to go beat up some gods to find a plant that makes you live forever, but he lost it, so no one lives forever. TLDR: "I'm a cowboy baby!"
Ancient History: Chapter 8 (Bonus Ep)
Warm up track from Chapter 8. TLDR: Uber drivers from outta town
Ancient History: Chapter 9
Longest episode ever... A Team, T-Bone, A1 Steaksauce. Also a bunch of stuff about dead Egyptians. TLDR: Yar yar yar yar yar
Ancient History: Chapter 8
This week the guys discuss war! But its shitty ancient war, so a lot of sword building and not a lot fighting. The guys discuss a new business idea called "Huge Caulk". Gilgamesh wants it all especially Kish, his people don't, but he gets it, but for like a day or something. TLDR: Huge Caulk
Ancient History: Chapter 7
This week the guys learn about early form of written communication, but Rob wants it to be over faster. At the core of all language is phonics, the easiest class in grammar school. Then ancient people get tired of making rock bags, so they write things down instead. The hieroglyphics are still a mystery, but not in the north east. Catfish man is back and some dicks are too powerful to write. TLDR: Are finished yet?
Bonus Ep: Intro Chapter 6
Sometimes the guys get carried away-ed with the sound check, so now they're gonna start posting them! TLDR- Yoo-Hoo for breakfast
Ancient History: Chapter 6
This week the guys are back in China, even though those people probably didn't call it China. The guys figure out what their ancient Chinese names are. Turns out the first Sandals was in ancient China next to the "Yellow River mon!". There were also the Eight Sticks of doom, and the people who followed them. Shredder stops by to tell the guys about how he actually really loves pizza. Did you know in ancient China there were a lot of sad sons. Sad rich sons. But fuck em right? TLDR: "Who wants bracelets!?"
Ancient History: Chapter 5
This week the guys travel to India...ancient India. More rivers, more deserts, and more Manu, the drunken fish king! Oh yeah and his Rishi boys. Then a bunch of old wise men tell all the youngsters how we don't appreciate life or whatever. TLDR: The shortest episode...so far
Ancient History: Chapter 4
This week the guys talk about The Scorpion King and what he's cooking... which they still don't know. Then the conspiracy about wet leaves is argued by many. The red kingdom, the white kingdom, the falcon people, the vulture people, will they ever unite and get along? who cares they're all dead. The guys meet a catfish king, who is then eaten by a hippo. Then Chris explains to Rob how get your Starbucks sexy style. TLDR: Sexy Style
Ancient History: Chapter 3
This week the guys talk about Kish and their king... The King of Kish aka GAAAAAAAAARRRR! They were rich with corn and ripping people off on the river. Turns out the river city of Kish is just like New Jersey? Then the guys meet Etana, this dude who can't have kids, so he starts cutting goat throats. Finally, the Kish version of the "birds and the bees" or as they say the "Ponies and Eagles". Who will be their overlord? TLDR: The Pony King
Ancient History: Chapter 2
This week Rob and Chris talk about the greatest flood of all, The Great Flood! Ohhhhhh scary? The guys attend a "death feast" thrown by their boy Atrahasis before everyone drowns. Chris tells Rob about his new full-time, part-time job as a mass consumer. And finally the guys get wasted with a bunch of fish brothers and meet Manu. TLDR: "Remember the mud?"
Ancient History: Chapter 1
Finally the guys get into the meat of ancient world history! Lots of mud, mud and more mud. Constant rivers breaking up farms and their shitty mud cities. Also the complex language of the Sumerians, FISH! FIRE! LOVE! And finally the story of a poor dirty shepherd who picks up a sun goddess with some milk. Way to go shepherd guy. TLRD: Plow my damp field
Ancient History: Preface
The guys are finally back with a new book! Ancient History, you know when people painted themselves like race cars and ate mud. Listen as Chris tries to get Rob through this episode cause well...Rob is drunk and find out what mysterious new things the guys we'll be learning about. TLRD: "I dunno man. Its a lot of words."
World Religions: Best Of Volume III
It's another clip show! Listen back to our favorite moments from Chapters 12-13. TLDR: Ugh!
World Religions: Best Of Volume II
Rob and Chris are still taking a break while they figure out the next installment of The Dunce Caps. While they do that, you should listen to this! Relive some of our favorite moments from World Religions: Chapters 7-11. TLDR: Another clip show!
World Religions: Best Of Volume I
Rob and Chris are taking another break so they can figure out the next installment of The Dunce Caps. While they do that, you should listen to this! Relive some of our favorite moments from World Religions: Chapters 1-6. TLDR: Clip show!
World Religions: Chapter 13 / Part III
In Part III of Chapter 13, Rob and Chris learn about the different types of Muslims and what’s in store for modern Islam. The plotline of the new Guardians of the Galaxy sequel is revealed by the Sunnis and it is not what you expected. Two groups of Shi’ites known as the Seveners and Twelvers believe there are divine imams hiding somewhere in the galaxy and they could be literally anywhere. One of the most influential muslim scholars, Abu-Hamid al-Ghazali, decides to abandon his job and family in an attempt to get closer to God through poverty and his wife says good riddance. Sufis began to organize themselves into spiritual fraternities and their pledges, known as fakir or dervish, were put through some pretty degrading tests. Islam suffered for a while by not accepting Industrialization while the rest of the world passed them by, but then saw a resurgence at the end of WWI as the rest of world’s powers became more and more dependent on their large supply of crude oil. The Muslim calendar is extremely confusing, but that’s just how they like it. TLDR: I don't bet on much, but I always bet on Hanifites.
World Religions: Chapter 13 / Part 2
This week we discuss Part 2 of Islam. After much training Chris and Rob take a trip to Mecca to become the next Muslim American Warriors, but fist they must jump across the 5 pillars. They also break down Chris's New York uncle, Bob, aka Rochester's Hank Hill. Disney or Universal? You decide, meanwhile Rob is going to start riots at both, with or without you! "Bart! Bart! Bart!" The guys finally understand Muslims as whole, except for the women stuff, that takes a hard left. TLDR: Religion? I'm here for the space rock!
World Religions: Chapter 13 / Part I
In Part I of Chapter 13, Rob and Chris learn about the roots of Islam and it’s founder, Muhammad. Like most modern religions, Islam began with the worship of many idols, the most important of these though was a black space rock. Muhammad grows up as an orphan and gets the opportunity to work on the various caravans coming in and out of Mecca, which is how he eventually meets his sugar mama wife. Since he no longer had to work Muhammad takes some personal time in the hills where he either spoke the angel Gabriel or played games with his imaginary friends. At first Muhammad has some difficulty spreading his new found religion, but eventually he builds a following that upsets everyone else. Some Jews invite Muhammad over for a dinner party and try to poison him with tainted lamb, ruining the dish for Muhammad for the rest of his life. TLDR: Hail Mohammad! (Jews 3.0)
World Religions: Chapter 12 / Part IV
In Part IV of Chapter 12, Rob and Chris learn about Modern Christianity. Coming off the Protestant Reformation, Roman Catholics agree they need to make some changes but to keep it within the family. Just as it is on Earth it is in heaven, the cable package is the way to go, but you’re gonna have to pay a little more for the NFL package. In an effort to seem more hip and cool, the Pope holds the Vatican II and makes some changes to the Catholic Church to make them a bit more modern. Lutherans, Presbyterians, Anabaptists, and Quakers all decide to carve up their slice of the Christian pie, though they are some pretty small slices. TLDR: Pizza Bagel Friday or Church.
World Religions: Chapter 12 // Part III
In Part III of Chapter 12, Rob and Chris learn about Medieval Christianity. There is a divide between the western and eastern Christians that mostly happened because of food. In the west, the development of the papacy leads to some shady dealings between the church and it’s clergy. Facing some hardships in Rome, the Catholic Church takes a short holiday to France where they definitely had lots of weird, kinky sex. At one point the church had 3 Popes, which wasn’t awkward at all. After years of being mobbed up, the people finally revolt against the Church in what’s known as the Protestant Reformation. TLDR: Ride the lion!
World Religions: Chapter 12 // Part II
In Part II of Chapter 12, Rob and Chris learn about the earliest Christians. Turns out Jesus’ half brother James was the one who really spoke to god and then taught his lil bro the way. Early Christians believed Jesus would come back sooner rather then later and therefore didn’t write down anything about him. Paul realizes that without structure, Christianity will turn into a bunch of different things it’s not supposed to be. Things get a little weird and hard to understand once the Holy Trinity gets introduced. On his deathbed, Constantine finally gives into his wife’s incessant nagging and converts to Christianity. TLDR: Paul and some other guys.
World Religions: Chapter 12 // Part I
In Part I of Chapter 12, Rob and Chris learn about Christianity and it’s weird magician leader, Jesus. Although there are many different sects of Christianity, there’s one thing that typically differentiates them: snakes. Rome unifies most of the Mediterranean area with roads, politics and infrastructure so long as everyone payed their monthly tribute. The apostles have a falling out after Jesus’ death, but 40 years later they reconcile and finally write that book they used to talk about. Not much was known about Jesus except that he loved magic and telling stories. One of Jesus most famous stories, the good Samaritan, leaves out a few important details about just how “good” he was. Jesus has one last meal with his pals before being betrayed and sentenced to death by crucifixion. TLDR: Jesus and his pals.
World Religions: Chapter 11 / Part III
In Part III of Chapter 11, Rob and Chris finally finish learning about Jews. After the Dreyfus case, the French become suspicious of the Jews and question their reasoning for not making love as often as they should. Meanwhile, in America, Jews realize that if you just like the Mets and are good at math you can have a nice life. After WWI, the British notice some brown people that may need their help and set up shop in Palestine. Looking for someone to blame for losing WWI, the Germans pick on the Jews and become so obsessed with exterminating them that they forget about winning the war and lose yet again. TLDR: Do you want some chicken with that schmear?
World Religions: Chapter 11 / Part II
In Part II of Chapter 11, Rob and Chris are still talking about Jews. While the rest of Europe is busy raping and pillaging, the Jews take detailed notes and preserve the old texts before they get destroyed. The Jews and Arabs have a big reunion party in Spain. Tired of being pushed around and mistreated, a bunch of Jewish geeks attempt to find the Messiah using only numbers, words, and dance. Seeing that the Jews were starving for a Messiah, a bunch of false prophets try to fill the role. TLDR: Jews 2: Electric Boogaloo
World Religions: Chapter 11 / Part II of Part I
In Part II of Part I of Chapter 11, Rob and Chris learn more about the chosen ones, Jews. David, possibly of David and Goliath fame, builds the first Jewish Teen Center. Prophets begin to show up in the Old Testament and with them comes poisonings and night murders. Rob and Chris try to learn, but instead share tales of their time working in restaurants. TLDR: Good Shabbos!
World Religions: Chapter 11 / Part I of Part I
In Part I of Part I of Chapter 11, Rob and Chris learn about Jews and all their fun Jew stuff. After a series of blunders, God decides to take a step back and focus on one group of people, beginning with the OG Jew himself, Abraham. As a sign that they are the chosen ones, God asks all male Jews to cut their dicks to show just how down they are with this Jew thing. Moses frees the Jews from Egypt and gets some important rules from God himself, famously known as the 10 Commandments. TLDR: Jews/The Chosen Ones/The Tribe
World Religions: Chapter 10
Rob and Chris learn about one of the oldest living religions, Zoroastrianism. Not much is known about the Zoros, but they did love Mazdas. The Fonzie of Zoroastrianism, Zoro, was admired by all the greatest philosophers of the time and was featured on many of their mixtapes. Zoro hell is a very detailed and dark place. Zoros didn’t believe in burying their dead, so they just left them in their vulture filled football stadiums. TLDR: Hail Mazda! (Zoom Zoom)
World Religions: Chapter 9
Rob and Chris learn about Shinto and the way of the Samurai. Feeling the pressure from other religions entering and spreading throughout Japan, the Japanese ban together and declare themselves Japanese, er, Shinto. Fed up with all the outsiders coming into Japan, the Samurai and the warrior code, Bushido, play a prominent role in the development of feudal Japan which was great for nationalism but terrible for Japanese police television dramas. Shinto temples are popular tourist attractions even though no one is allowed to go inside. TLDR: Make Japan great again!
World Religions: Lunch Break
In this “bonus” episode, Rob and Chris take a break from learning and instead get distracted by their favorite topic of discussion: food. Learn everything you didn’t want to know about wraps, fried chicken, burritos, chicken fingers and more on this very special episode of The Dunce Caps. TLDR: It's all hot dogs!
World Religions: Chapter 8 // Part II
In Part II of Chapter 8, Rob and Chris learn about Confucianism and the fall of the feudal system with special guest Hayden Quinn. A gigantic warrior saved his sperm for 70 years to conceive his son Confucius. The Duke of Lu, founding member of the Wu-Tang Clan, gives Confucius his first break into big government and Confucius ends up being too good at it. After Confucius’ death, Mencius carries the torch of Confucianism and gives it a fresh coat of paint. The origin of Chinese fortune cookies is finally revealed. TLDR: Now with a 20% larger brownie!
World Religions: Chapter 8 // Part I
In Part I of Chapter 8, Rob and Chris learn about Taoism and the chaotic mess that is China. Though we don’t know much about the origins of Taoism, we do know that they eventually turned into wizards that almost certainly hate Halloween. Archaeologists are still digging for nothing, but they’re now joined by one of the most famous archaeologists of all time. When a Taoist reaches the age of 60, their family must do everything they say and give them the utmost respect. Modern Taoist wizards only care about extending their lives for as long as possible by snorting rhino dust and rubbing balls on their face. TLDR: We love you Pop Pop! (200 years of chaos).
World Religions: Chapter 7
Rob and Chris learn about Sikhism and just how little they care about anything. Nanak, the founder of Sikhism, is unable to hold even the simplest of jobs and decides to leave his family behind to become the ultimate slacker. In his final prank, Nanak covers himself with a sheet, dies and disappears to a far away island to live out the rest of his days eating appetizer samplers on the beach. After Nanak’s “death” his followers create the Adi Granth, which is a best of compilation of all the Sikhist hymns. As the Sikhs grew in number, they started listening to heavy metal, pumping iron, and eating large amounts of meat in order to fight back against their enemies. TLDR: Free Ranch?!
World Religions: Chapter 6 // Part II
In Part II of Chapter 6, Rob and Chris learn about Mahayana Buddhism and the various sects that splinter off from it. Bodhidharma (aka crazy eyes), a local monk legend, retires to a cave and spends ten years meditating in front of a wall until his legs fall off. Zen Buddhism is all about patience and giant tires on your BMW. The leader of the Nichiren sect introduces the idea of Buddha hell as well as a version of hell that is rarely discussed, sexy hell. TLDR: Hail Buddha, now with 50% more Buddha!
World Religions: Chapter 6 // Part I
In Part I of Chapter 6, Rob and Chris learn about Buddhism and that “karma thing”. A soothsayer sexily tells Raja the 4 sights responsible for turning his son, Siddhartha, into the founder of Buddhism. After witnessing the 4 sights, Siddhartha rolls with a crew of ascetics for 6 years before becoming the Buddha. When explaining the proper conduct for a Buddhist to the Sangha, Buddha has some trouble getting them to agree on all 5 rules. After the Buddha’s death, his teachings get reinterpreted and two major factions of Buddhism emerge. TLDR: Hail Buddha!
World Religions: Chapter 5
Rob and Chris learn about Jainism and how crazy hardXcore they are. Mahavira is not fulfilled by his R/C speed boat and firecrackers and becomes enamored with the ascetic lifestyle. Fire ants, lice and crabs all thrive in the Jainist pubic economy. Some Jains make their way to Hollywood and have short, but successful careers as stunt men. Less hardXcore Jains only fast for a day or two, unless they sneak in some crackers. TLDR: Rot it out.
World Religions : Chapter 4 // Part II
In Part II of Chapter 4, Rob and Chris learn about post-classical Hinduism and what is now modern Hinduism. The three major Hindu gods are a lot like the Soprano family from the critically acclaimed HBO television series “The Sopranos”. The Hindu female goddesses seem to get the short end of the stick when it comes to defining characteristics, but that’s all about to change. Eventually the British show up to India and bring their gross puddings with them, which lead to some of the deadliest outbreaks of religious violence. British missionary William Carey exposes India to the delicious Fig Newton, but it came with a price. TLDR: AND FOR WHAT!?!?
World Religions: Chapter 4 // Part I
In Part I of Chapter 4, Rob and Chris learn about classical Hinduism and all their kooky gods. When studying Hinduism, Aryans are not the well-read propaganda hate mongers you might think they are. Once again archaeologists prove that they have no purpose in the modern world. Horse murder was so rampant amongst the Aryans that they had a horse sacrifice lifetime challenge. Things get confusingly vague when discussing Brahman, but you should get it if you’ve ever seen The Matrix. TLDR: Sick Cows.
World Religions: Chapter 3
Rob and Chris learn about African religions and definitely don’t do Jamaican accents. The Mozambique legend of Nyambi and Kamonu explains why god left Earth and how much man loved killing animals. The Nuer of the Sudan believed the Higher God wasn’t interested in us boring humans because he’s too busy trying to cum. Some Africans would sacrifice women to appease certain gods, but they had to have a certain body type. No one knows why, but some Africans wait until a boy is 13 years old before cutting their dicks. TLDR: Hakuna Matata!
World Religions: Chapter 2
Rob and Chris learn about the religions of Native Americans and their customs. Most Native Americans respected nature and some even became friends with rocks. In some Native American cultures women on their periods were considered to be all powerful, and thus they had to stay away from everyone else (especially their husbands). The most important items for a vision quest according to Moon Bear “the shotgun king” are an Xbox and corn products with cheese. TLDR: Dorito Nachos.
World Religions: Chapter 1
Rob and Chris learn about the religions and customs of the most basic of basic bitches. We only know less than one half percent of human history, or at least that’s what Bush and those guys want you to believe. With no more holes to dig, archeologists look to the stars and reminisce about better times. The earliest hominids were either Neanderthals, Cavemen, Vikings, Asian hunters, Guidos, or a combination of all five. Primitive societies looked up to their Magicians, but not the cool kind. TLDR: Basic Bitches!
World Religions: Preface
Rob and Chris are back to learn about Religions of the World and hopefully don't get jihaded. Raised as good Catholic boys, the guys get into what they think of religion and how to properly sneak some extra items in when getting Burger King with your mom. TLDR: Religion!
Physical Science: Best of Part 2
Part 2 of your favorite moments from The Dunce Caps Physical Science. Laugh and become dumb all over again with Rob and Chris. TLDR: Good-bye forever physical science. You dick!
Physical Science: Best Of Part 1
The best of episode is here! Remember the laughs, stupidity, and wacky voices from your 2 favorite "geniuses" Rob & Chris. TLDR: Almost done with Science!
Physical Science: Chapter 23
The final chapter! It’s done! Joining us for this joyful occasion is our lab assistant Don! Chris and Rob didn’t read the chapter. Don did. TLDR: “Teach me teach! Slam!”
Physical Science Chapter 22
This week the guys read about The Nature of Light, but per usual they learn NOTHING! OH no! The guys freak out about pop quizzes. Why would you do this to us teacher? Everyone gets upset for Xio Yin, the smartest kid on class. You know he does the teacher’s taxes? Magnets are thing, but they’re not, except when getting goth blow jobs. The guys get a little too mean with all of their smart people fans, sorry scientists. Chris and Rob teach everyone how to perfectly fuck with your science teacher…”Factor in the Wind!” Turns out the book loves the movie Radio. Ahhhh sexual bees attack the guys! Rob develops a new Instagram idea, while Chris tries to see night vision with his new Predator mask. Then finally the guys talk about sandwiches, more specifically what you wrap them in; aluminum, plastic wrap or the Christian wax paper? TLDR: "Shine my spurs and gimme a hand jibber to go."
Physical Science: Chapter 21
This week the guys get off to a confusing start when trying to learn about sound. When getting fired the guys find out that giving out jibbers in a vest is the next best thing! Then the guys take a vacation with ‘Vibrations! Vibrations!’ with all the traditional chicken fingers you can handle mon! Did you know that there is a techno festival in your ear, similar to The Gathering of the Juggalos. Nothing gets the guys off more then the sound of children slapping water, just the sound though. Then the guys go back to New England to feed the whales chicken fingers, ice cream and weed. The guys ask the age-old question to a preggo woman; “Is it a hot baby or a block of cheese.” Noma kid! The greatest fatha figya evah! TLDR: "Vibrations! Vibrations!"
Physical Science: Chapter 20
This week the guys learn about waves. But first they go to a Persian nightclub to hear their favorite DJ, Anges Riley and eat mozzarella sticks. Rob talks to his dead cousin from Boston through a “medium”. This fat kid Bill rides the crumblies and wants another ice pop. Chris talks about his dream job as a video game voice over guy. We also learn that pools aren’t fun if you’re wet. The guys might be getting sued. What is the whitest instrument to play? We’ll never know. TLDR: “Keep ya dick up!”
Physical Science: Chapter 19
This week the guys are supposed to learn about electronic technology. But they don’t. First the are introduced to a self aware gremlin robot. Be careful, though he’ll bathe in your blood. No body beats the WIZ when you’re making your dick medium girth with Zenith Dick pills! The guys go to the dopest bachelor party ever with their micro dick stripper. Chris gets mad when the ice cream man doesn’t sell him fries, movie tickets and music requests. Swiss army knife is the only thing you need to live. And they discuss their favorite game show, To Catch a Predator! Wow that’s how a CD is made… who cares. And the plasma TV industry is conspiracy man! TLDR: I will bathe in your blood
Physical Science: Chapter 18
This week lab assistant Don shows up for some non-scientific scientific discussions about magnets. First the guys meet Pete Perez an electrician who eats a lot of mushrooms. Don then tries to convince Chris and Rob to produce his million dollar show idea. The guys also learn about Don's history as a vendor for scientists and metal heads. We hear from some of Pete's nails and they're fallen brother. Turns out tourists in NYC are fun... to fuck with! Rob quits his job once he finds out that our belly buttons and assholes are just human sausage clip ends. TLDR: Cut the magnet real thin with a razor. Like in Goodfellas
Physical Science: Chapter 17
This week the guys are supposed to learn about Electricity, but instead they get into army cowboys, wiring their homes with spagetti instead of wires and AC/DC, the band, sorta. The guys also reminise about high school gym class and their gym teacher, who was also the ultimate football coach. He was also the highest paid employee at the school, supposedly. Sock-em-cock-em-boppers. Then Chris picks up a new hobby, electricity! But not in the cool way. Once again they make fun of Evanescence, the worst band alive. TLDR: "I'm a military cowboy!"
Physical Science Chapter 16
This week the guys cum way too much and become Power Rangers. Enough said. TLDR: Goldar can't stop cumming!
Physical Science: Chapter 15
This week the guys try to learn about Chemical Compounds, but as always learn nothing. Rob didn’t even read the whole chapter this time, so. First the guys work their way up the construction ladder, from clean up crew to wrecking crew. The guys get interrogated by a fire cop and his partner, aka his dog. The bean weevil is a tricky bastard, also stupid. Turns out certain hobbies like making glass bowls isn’t for Rob or Chris or anyone really. The guys also discuss the problem with this science book and why its ruining their fun. The book told us not to drink acid or base substances too little too late. Chris tells Rob how to drink properly that idiot. Oh no, the meatheads have been eating wrong this whole time! They need lipids, not protein! Get those lipids bros! TLDR: Don’t drink the acid fire cop!
Physical Science: Chapter 14
This week “Robo of Tuson” and Chris are supposed to learn about chemical bonding. First they read about Roberta Jordan. Known for her dunking skills and testing out Ikea furniture. Chlorophyll and The Sun go on a crime filled rampage. Rob tells everyone about the mysterious Jurassic Park hole in Antarctica. It’s 100% true. Chris and Rob attend the first lettuce burning ceremony and get new jobs, which requires them to write as many words they can think of ever. These Colors Don’t Run shirt guy sues Chris and Rob for burning him. Then the guys travel back in time to a middle school dance, its awkward, and that has something to do with chemical bonds. Disclaimer: Asian Eel porn is on this episode. Late Dine dils, Straps, fings, rings, dings, and clams. TLDR: Robo’s anal Eels
Physical Science: Chapter 13
This week the guys are supposed to talk about chemical bonding, but first they dive into the life of Glen T. Seaborg. He was a Californian scientist who took all the credit for his discoveries despite having a team of assistants and blonde pubes. He also uses the fact that an element was named after him to bang chicks. The writers of our textbook start counting word in the English dictionary. The guys realize that when you drink water, you’re just drinking dead people. Chris and Rob bond over killing snails and bumble bees. We meet the local grave digger in the area who recently had to bury his brother in the core of the earth. Then the Dunce Caps start to relax with some goth techno and ASMR porn, which Rob listens to while at work. Check out www.balloonsluts.com, but not Lady Sophie, she’s the worst dominatrix EVER! And Bill made out with all the copper. Smart Bill. Smart. TLDR: ASMR Balloon Rave
Physical Science: Chapter 12
This week the Dunce Caps are supposed to discuss the periodic table, but instead they talk about Melissa Franklin. She is a Christian Dominatrix Experimental Physicist who likes to tell jokes and operate huge butt drills. But despite her hard work in the lab no one respects her, so she must play bar trivia. But beware of the Science Bro’s who come in every week to win that Itunes gift card. Rob breaks the bad news to Chris that mini carrots are a lie. After all that they finally get to the science! As we all know scientists are smart when it come to math, but did you know they suck at indexing? Russia was never as nice as this books makes it out to be. Russia was never nice and they’ve always eaten winter corn, the worst of all the corns. Chris teaches Rob a new way to eat Little Debbie brownies, then play match maker, by introducing Big Ben and Little Debbie. TLDR: I’m not gay, but I’d fuck him.
Physical Science: Chapter 11
This week the guys are supposed to discuss atoms. Instead they are bored by this dumb science book and discuss dumb super-heros, the idiots that “discovered” atoms, and pudding! So much fucking pudding! Not Cosby pudding, British pudding, like the weird wet bread filled with dried fruits and shit. They also bow down to the all mighty Big Ben. Also we meet a bunch of devil worshipers who follow the ultra lord Carbon, the most evil of all the elements. TLDR: Pudding Party
Physical Science: Chapter 10
This week The Dunce Caps talk about heat and heat energy. Rob and Chris get mad at their grandpas. They also don’t appreciate the way this book talks down to them. The guys consider getting nipple piercings, like their favorite actor Guy Fieri. An agreement is made about what the first real experiment will be; jarring a fart. We meet a sad family, who is missing their mother. They all speak Italian, except they’re Irish. Who the fuck eats fruit bar!? We want fudge-pops! Yoohoo versus Nesquick. Yoohoo always wins. Rob was raised on Choco-Tacos and the ice cream man. Chris and Rob are fucking genius inventors! Shredded cheese bag and the to-go butter thermos. The guys reminisce about eating snacks at the movie theater. Rob is a master cheese chef, with hundreds of Velveeta recipes. Chris opens a white trash, all American bar restaurant. TLDR: “I go to the movies for the snacks.”
Physical Science: Chapter 9
Lab assistant Don is back! With no book or prepared experiment of course. This week the guys are supposed to talk about energy. The guys talk about business monkeys and how they run the world. A quick ad from our sponsors, Kegal Rings!, not be confused with the bagel store across the street. Don makes fun of jugglers and would rather play video games. The lineage of the magnet family and their space themed diner is pieced together. Somehow the announcer from the X-Games showed up to the Mustard Cup, and commentated anyway. The guys learn about old roller-coaster and how they were run on lube. Don doesn’t understand what a nub is on an amputated person…so annoying. Rob and Chris become the biggest fans of Chinese basketball, where only retired NBA centers are used as Ton-Tons. The guys also decide to donate their dead bodies to shooting ranges, instead of science. TLDR: Chinese NBA
Physical Science: Special Announcement
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT! TLDR: SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!
Physical Science: Chapter 8
This week the Dunce Caps enter a new unit: Work and Machines! So many machines! Unfortunately not the cool ones like the Terminator, more like the ones that make you cum. The guys also talk lube, because thats what you need for machines… and jerking off. A handicapped girl crawled out of bed using a machine she made fro a K’NEX, that’s so illegal. Rob’s co-worker can never play soccer again, but Rob consoles him with the idea that hell have to use cool canes now. No more hover boards in NYC! Chris develops a new wheelchair diet, but it only works when you do down the ramp, not up the ramp. Rob gets his seated lawnmower ticketed for illegally parking it on the street. The guys also go the gym, in 3 piece suits, looking for friends, not to workout. Rob calls his rich father to explain why the car is broken, so just come pick him up, thanks. Now that the guys are jacked, you can call them “The Tools” cause our bodies are the only tools we need. Also how do Asians get out of the restaurant? TLDR: Canes are badass
Physical Science: Chapter 7
This week is Forces and Fluids aka the Christmas Special! Chris and Rob start a porn site called Forces and Fluids, sexy. They also invent a new way to run cars using live bees. Turns out they sting. Santa Clause stops by to talk about his Elf rape and the breeding of his reindeer. They also meet Steve Okimoto, famous roller coaster inventor and disappointment to his parents. Rob gets caught with a samurai sword on the subway, even though its for suicide. The guys throw a ninja star party, but on Christmas, which is confusing, but fun. Alien want our butts!!! All those hillbillies weren’t lying! Chris blows on two pieces of paper for an experiment out of the book, but he fails. The guys also talk birds, Rob’s scared, while Chris is enthused. And the book gives yet another baseball example. TLDR: X-mas Episode
Physical Science: Chapter 6
This week Don stops by for some intro action. Then Rob and Chris are on their own to talk about the power of emojis. Apparently the guy who invented them doesn’t like science or the podcast. The greatest emoji combo ever is officially announced, shrimp donuts, and Chris teaches the world how to incorporate Coolio into their texts. The guys find out, while learning about vacuums, that there is a difference between dirt heaven and regular heaven. Galileo throws food off the leaning tower of Pizza, when really he should’ve been just listening to Coolio. Unlike Coolio, Tom Petty writes non-factual hits, like Free Falling, which you can’t do TOM! We also hear from the local police department and their plethora of shrimps and donuts to snack on all day. Oh yeah, the chapter is about forces and motion., but they mostly talk about Coolio.
Physical Science: Chapter 5
This week the guys interview Masshole specialist and son of 2 librarians, Dan Crane, aka Don Crane, to be their new lab assistant. Cause if you all remember Lauren shit the bed. I guess they learn science too. Something to do with force, motion and gravity or some shit. Emperor Palpatine stops by, but the guys don’t give him any respect. The guys give Don a bunch of hypotheticals for their hypothetically failed experiments. Then out of nowhere, Don flips the script on Chris and Rob, and no one can tell who’s interviewing who. Turns out the modern day paper deliveryman is creepier then we thought and everyone wants a air hockey table bed. The guys perform their second experiment with Don and discover a new planet, Cat Planet! Will Don get the job? Will Rob get that air hockey table bed? Will Palpatine be in the new Star Wars movie? Does Chris care? All these questions and more on this episode on the The Dunce Caps.
Physical Science: Chapter 4
This week the guys talk about elements, compounds, and mixtures. Everything is a mixture, literally. Learn about Chris’s new business, Break It Down Company, where he breaks any and everything down. This includes lawns; marriages, and elements, even know the book says you can’t. Rob tells us about the train guy and how much happier he is then the rest of us. The guys also look back to their rap rock days with Linkin Park and Evanescence, which gives them the idea to record their own rap rock album and hand them out at real metal shows. Terriers! So many terriers, but before the terriers the guy’s must make a Soap video of them grinding rails at their favorite CD store…Coconutz. Also the most evil villain in the world can’t get his threat across because he didn’t make a PowerPoint so we’re going to Arby’s. TLDR: Robcaine
Physical Science: Chapter 3
This week the guys learn about the states of matter, but realize "It Doesn’t Matter", which is the name of one of their two new TV shows! The other show is about two poor guys that live together called, The Poors. The guys also come to find out that they love to talk about hot chocolate (from the packet) and the poor dumb people that make it with water, not milk. Rob farts in Chris’s mouth, for science, to test out pressures of gas. Sometimes when you eat too many Swiss Miss marshmallows you turn into Tyrone, fact. Science. With the help of pressure, another science term, the guys break out into song about hot chocolate PRESSURE! Rob leaves behind a shitty will for his future family and gets his dead body turned into rice necklaces. Much like the dried fruits of Hollywood. Rob also finds out that Chris fights crime, but only in the woods. TLDR: Hot chocolate episode
Physical Science: Chapter 2
This episode Rob and Chris learn about matter. They run their first experiment, but its shitty, so they fire their first lab assistant, Lauren, and hire a new one, Don. Don’t fuck this up Don. The guys figure out that Mr Orville abducted them and that all things are made of matter, especially Carl Winslow. Turns out Tony Hawk hates physics, despite the fact that’s what skateboarding is. They guys also correct their drug dealers terminology. As the guys trudge through matter, they end up playing 21 Questions as an experiment. But along the way they get hungry and decide to stop for a “second harvest”. Turns out we love “second harvest” but hate 21 Questions. Rob would rather get hit with a brick then feathers, cause he’s an idiot, but still has a trill lake. They reminisce about Mind Erasers, hair spray blow torches, farting fire and the science behind them. TLDR: Way to much butter bro.
Physical Science: Chapter 1
This week The guys learn about the Scientific Method. First they touch their meniscus's while observing models, not the science kind, but the coke kind, all while figuring out what catering supplies can be swapped out for science tools. Turns out there is a huge difference between regular science and physical science, like dragons versus SOAP shoes. And did we mention that we are ALL scientists!? Matter, energy, density, mass, volume and weight don’t mean what you think they mean, wrap your head around that shit. Apparently everything is science, like you reading this right now is fucking science! The guys follow the journey of two MIT freaks who fuck like penguins in the name of science. Rob and Chris see how many fingers they can stick in their butt, publish their results, then lose them. Back to the lab I guess. TLDR: Penguin Boat Fucking
Preface: Physical Science
The guys are back and they're talking Physical Science! Well at least the stuff they remember anyway. TLDR: Another Prefix
American History: Best Of Volume II
Rob and Chris are still taking a break from getting smart, but enjoy part two of the best of American History. Brand new episodes start next week with our new subject, Physical Science. This week's episode collects our favorite moments from American History: Chapters 17-31. TLDR: Ugh, another clip show!?
American History: Best Of Volume I
Rob and Chris are taking a short break as they gear up to bring you the next installment of The Dunce Caps, Physical Science! While they do that, take a trip down memory lane as we revisit our favorite moments from American History: Chapters 1-16. TLDR: Clip show!
American History: Chapter 31
Rob and Chris learn about modern America. President Reagan gets all up in those clams and spreads them around our justice department. With too much time on his hands in president heaven, George Washington becomes obsessed with the QVC channel and nutella. Russia suffers from a lack of soap and shoes, ruining the sex lives of thousands of married couples. President Clinton does a lot of good things, but lies about one blow job. George W. Bush becomes president, surrounds himself with his father's friends, and everything goes to shit. TLDR: The End.
American History: Chapter 30
Rob and Chris learn about President Nixon and a bunch of other Presidents. Nixon takes a peak behind the iron curtain for the first time and is disappointed that there's no circus. The US and China play a friendly game of ping pong and realize that they're not that different after all. Nixon has a dark, secret fetish that no one knows about. The Soviet Union taste salt for the first time and it blows their minds. Watergate forces Nixon to admit his secrets and resign in shame. Gerald Ford goes from third place to first and is clearly not qualified to be President. Jimmy Carter solves a major hostage crisis in Iran and newly inaugurated President Reagan takes all the credit. TLDR: Way too many Presidents.
American History: Chapter 29
Rob and Chris learn about the Vietnam War. JFK urges Americans to hit the gym so we can build up our arms. The Bay of Pigs is thwarted by several blunders. The Soviet Union builds the Berlin Wall and the Berlin Wall Ball Association (BWBA) is born. Americans get bored with the Cuban Missile Crisis and decide to go home and smoke some weed. JFK announces his plan to go to the Moon to find some cheese, or whatever. The counter culture shows it's opposition to the war by wearing yellow circle shaped glasses and eating a lot of LSD. Nixon gets America's best egghead, Henry Kissinger, to try and strengthen and rebuild our relationships with China and the Soviet Union in an attempt to end the Vietnam War. TLDR: Welcome to Vietnam, the rubber capital of the world!
American History: Chapter 28
Rob and Chris learn about the Civil Rights Movement. White people drop off a bunch of soaking wet textbooks to the African American schools. Martin Luther King Jr. invents the car pool and African Americans unanimously decide he's pretty smart and should be their leader. MLK takes a page out of Gandhi's playbook and decides to kick white people's asses with peace. A young and handsome John F. Kennedy defeats an old and gross Richard Nixon in the 1960 Presidential election. Harvey Oswald just happens to be in the right place at the right time to assassinate JFK, ensuring any future presidents would never ride in a convertible again. African Americans stage sit ins and fight the temptations of the delicious aromas surrounding them. Women, Hispanics, Native Americans and the disabled all do some civil righting of their own. TLDR: Come on and take a free ride.
American History: Chapter 27
Rob and Chris learn about the Cold War Era. After Roosevelt's sudden death, second string President Harry Truman has to step into the game and he is not prepared. The Soviet Union decides it's time to do a little redecorating. Americans become increasingly paranoid that communists are secretly running the country. McCarthy ruins tons of innocent American's lives and faces no consequences whatsoever. The Republicans come back into power and Rad Thad steps out of the shadows. General McArthur has a solution for the Korean War, but it's the same solution he has for everything else: the atom bomb. America and the Soviets take their dick measuring competition to space. TLDR: Anything you can do I can do better.
American History: Chapter 26
Rob and Chris learn about World War II. Italy is all pissed off that the Treaty of Versailles left them with nothing but crusts. Hitler gains the trust of his people with schnitzel propaganda. France gets ready to help Poland, but Poland is defeated before the French can even get hard. FDR decides he's gonna break from tradition and serve three terms as President. The US Navy is forced to put their volley ball tournament on hold as America prepares for war. After having a long run of clubbing across Europe, Hitler sees the end is near and kills himself. FDR rounds up the country's best eggheads and creates the atom bomb. TLDR: World War II, we win again.
American History: Chapter 25
Rob and Chris learn about the Great Depression and the New Deal. Pete takes America's hard earned cash and causes the stock market to soar to dizzying heights and then crash and burn on Black Thursday. President Hoover controls the country's soup supply with an iron fist. Franklin Delano Roosevelt steps in and challenges Hoover, who is still preoccupied with soup. FDR urges Americans to be more experimental both in their thoughts and in their sexuality. Strikers get sick and tired of standing and finally take a seat. TLDR: The Great Soup Depression.
American History: Chapter 24
Rob and Chris learn about the Jazz Age. Once again, America is bored with war and their crappy above ground pools. Anarchists threaten the country's desire to return to normalcy with their leather jackets and spiky hair. Black gangs fight white gangs in Chicago to see who can swim in Lake Michigan. Marcus Garvey does his best to explain the growing problem of lions in Jamaica. Calvin "Silent Cal" Coolidge becomes President and is consumed by darkness. With a surge in nationalism, the Ku Klux Klan rebrands itself to include even more hatred as well as fried chicken. TLDR: America uses it's indoor voices and turns off the lights.
American History: Chapter 23
Rob and Chris learn about World War I. The most powerful countries in the world are competing with one another to add the most weapons to their dicks first. The French are pretty much turned on by everything and believe the war can be won using only sex and wine. The Germans make some sneaky deals and cement their reputation as the creepy guy you can't trust. President Woodrow Wilson gets jealous of all the culinary varieties of Europe and creates the most American sandwich of all time, the Woodrow Wilson World War I or the WWWWI. After the war America goes back to being a giant sausage party. TLDR: World War I aka The Great Sandwich War.
American History: Chapter 22
Rob and Chris learn about the Age of Imperialism and the Spanish American War. George Washington looks down from President heaven with disgust in how America is changing. William Seward takes a risk by purchasing Alaska and it pays off in both gold and polar bears. Sugar farmers say aloha to Hawaii and push their queen into a volcano. The US and other world powers arrive to the Samoan Islands, but are disappointed that all the huts are not Pizza Huts. Teddy Roosevelt invites the leaders of Russia and Japan to go bar hopping in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. TLDR: America, freedom bullies of the world!
American History: Chapter 21
Rob and Chris learn about the countless reforms put in place in America in the early 20th century. Boss Tweed forms a tweed circle where powerful men get together to discuss and trade tweed. Political cartoonists lead the way in taking down the biggest criminals by drawing pictures of them with giant heads and tiny bodies. Undercover reporters due their share of exposing corruption, but by using deception and elaborate disguises. Hot dog steaks and meat trains portray our bleak future. The "hippie cowboy," Theodore Roosevelt becomes President and does a little bird watching. TLDR: No justice, no meat.
American History: Chapter 20
Rob and Chris learn about the new wave of immigrants entering America during the late 19th century and the struggles that they faced. America asks for the worst of the worst from the rest of the world without thinking it through. Jobs were both very difficult and long, but the pie was pretty good. Being an Asian dad in the rural South isn't as bad as you'd think it'd be. Major cities have to deal with an over abundance of disgusting children and orphan gangs. TLDR: There goes the neighborhood.
American History: Chapter 19
Rob and Chris learn about the Industrial Age. Trains are still a thing and they're still being talked about. Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone and immediately turns into a pompous prick. Although he was described as "a dull boy," Thomas Edison goes on to light a whopping 40 light bulbs at once! Crude oil was first used as medicine until people realized it was disgusting and made them feel worse. Before the telephone people were into telegraph sex, though it was a bit awkward. TLDR: Inventions that no longer seem that great!
Movie Break: Wild Wild West
Rob and Chris watch the 1999 film "Wild Wild West," starring Will Smith and Kevin Kline. Jim West is a guns-a-blazing former Civil War hero. Artemus Gordon is an inventive U.S. Marshal who excels in disguise. When the United States is threatened by psychotic Confederate Arliss Loveless, President Ulysses Grant teams the duo up to bring him to justice. On a hazard-packed train journey from Washington D.C. to Utah, West and Gordon must combine their skills to best Loveless and his diabolical machines. TLDR: Spiders are so goth.
American History: Chapter 18
Rob and Chris learn about the development of the West. The gold rush out in California has run dry so everyone scatters throughout the Midwest in search of the next best thing. The new immigrants that most Americans despised so much build the first transcontinental railroad, connecting the East and the West. Despite theirs tears, we once again force the Native Americans to move and eat our rancid meat products. The Plains survive a grasshopper plague only to be hit by severe droughts and then getting snowed in for most of the winter. Farmers are sick and tired of being poor, but sadly they have no other skills. TLDR: The Midwest becomes America's best/worst place to live.
American History: Chapter 17
Rob and Chris learn about the reconstruction of the South following the Civil War. President Lincoln gets assassinated and shuts down for the last time. Rad Thad and sound engineer Mike take a more radical approach to reconstruction. Andrew Johnson has his own plan for the South, humiliation. Congress forces the South to play a grueling round of musical chairs before ultimately not letting them sit down at all at the House of Representatives. KKK AM radio is chock full of useful information on how to use ropes and knots. Rutherford B. Hayes steps into office and everyone gets sweaters! TLDR: We win, you cry. Forever.
American History: Chapter 16
Rob and Chris learn about the Civil War. The South sits back and plays defense while the the North tries their best to bring this family back together. Soldiers on both sides write home expressing their disappointment in how boring the war is. The 1st battle between two iron clad ships takes place and it was pretty sick. Edward Everett gives a boring 2 hour speech before being completely outdone by President Lincoln's now infamous Gettysburg Address. The Union declares total war on the Confederacy to wrap things up and ensure the South never forgets how much they suck. TLDR: Civil War ain't no carnival ride.
American History: Chapter 15
Rob and Chris learn about the events that led up to the Civil War. Henry Clay takes the temperature of the slavery debate and keeps it at a nice simmer. The South demands all fugitive slaves be returned to them by the end of week, or else! The border ruffians mount up and head to Kansas to vote with their pistols. Dred Scott waits several years before receiving confirmation that he is indeed a slave. Steven Douglas, the "little giant," goes up against the "real giant" Abraham Lincoln for Senator. TLDR: America is coming to a boil!
American History: Chapter 14
Rob and Chris learn about the abolitionists and the all of the various reforms in the US during the mid-1800s. The temperance movement guarantees "ruff scruff" if people don't stop imbibing alcohol. Our schools and prisons suck, but maybe we'll try to fix them. The Quakers are still a thing and just want to be everyone's friend. A bunch of women get together, but not for a bake sale. TLDR: Meaningless reform!
American History: Chapter 13
Rob and Chris learn about the differences between the North and the South during the Industrial Revolution. Peter Cooper gets embarrassed by a horse. A bunch of American innovators change a couple of things in the smallest of ways and become rich. The Irish and German show up and quickly realize no one wants them here. TLDR: Everything is better now!
American History: Chapter 12
Rob and Chris learn about Manifest Destiny and the war with Mexico. Mountain Men capitalize on the fur trade and share stories of trapping and jerking off beavers. Stone Cold Steve Austin opens up a can of whoop ass on Santa Anna and stunners Mexico to death. Joseph Smith and the Mormons schlep their wives all across the country before finally finding a suitable home in Utah. TLDR: California knows how to party.
American History: The US Presidents With JP
Rob and Chris are joined by special guest JP as they invite their listeners to get a little more intimate with the first ten US Presidents. Join us in learning everything you never wanted to know about the first ten US Presidents.
American History: Chapter 11
Rob and Chris learn about Andrew Jackson, aka Old Hickory, the king of beef jerky, racism, murder and pop. Jackson throws a party at the White House to celebrate his inauguration and everyone is invited. Van Buren is falsely accused of being an interior decorator. William Henry Harrison shatters a previous Presidential record, but not the good kind. TLDR: The people's President, don't be ignorant.
American History: Chapter 10
Rob and Chris learn about the Industrial Revolution, capitalism, free enterprise, and other white people stuff. The first census takers make a shocking discovery down in Georgia. Early pioneers establish the first time shares in the west, with promises of wrestling, quilting, and corn husking. Henry Clay tries his best to keep the band together and return to the Era of Good Feelings. TLDR: The Good, The Bad, and The Clay.
American History: Chapter 9
Rob and Chris learn how America is maturing and blossoming into a beautiful, young nation confused by new feelings and pubes. Double Down Jefferson can't quite get his new nickname to stick. Lewis and Clark captivate the President with their tales of adventure and tiny scissors. Aaron Burr takes his frustrations out on Alexander Hamilton and scuttles off, never to be seen again. TLDR: We're going on an adventure!
American History: Chapter 8
Rob and Chris learn about the first batman/wrestler president, George Washington, and the political parties that angered him so deeply. Washington has a dinner party with bff Ben Franklin and Alexander Hamilton. Native American Little Turtle, AKA Lil' Turts, shows up at the club and invites Washington to come get turnt. All this and more on another (somewhat) educational episode of the Dunce Caps. TLDR: The first president wins our hearts.
American History: Chapter 7
Rob and Chris learn about America's first attempts at a unified central government. Delegates Metcalfe from NJ and Passaretti from MA present their poorly conceived arguments both for and against taxes. Alexander Hamilton and James Madison form and bizarre friendship and become the country's first odd couple. George Washington body slams the articles of confederation and professes his love for Ben Franklin. TLDR: Patriotic love is in the air.
Movie Break: The Patriot
Rob and Chris take a break from all that learning and watch the 2000 film "The Patriot" starring Mel Gibson. Peaceful farmer Benjamin Martin is driven to lead the Colonial Militia during the American Revolution when a sadistic British officer murders his son. Get some popcorn and put on your most patriotic garbs as the Dunce Caps go to Hollywood! TLDR: Don't you dare murder Mel Gibson's sons!
American History: Chapter 6
Rob and Chris learn about the Revolutionary War and the obstacles that the Colonial Army faced in their fight for freedom. George Washington and his men face a harsh winter, but they have the last laugh when they surprise the British army on Christmas morning with the most patriotic gift of all: death. France and Spain unite with the Continental Army in their shared hatred for Britain and their bland food. The war ends with a romantic trip to Paris where Britain finally realizes that if you love someone, you must set them free. TLDR: America has it's first victory in a long winning streak of war.
American History: Chapter 5
Rob and Chris learn about the taxes imposed by Britain on the colonies that fueled their desire to declare independence. One too many massacres leads to a tea party, but this ain't your oppressive tyrant's tea party! A motley crew of colonial delegates form the Continental Congress and prepare for war. Is Rob secretly a British sympathizer and American traitor? Will Chris ever get a chance to tar and feather someone? You'll have to listen to find out. TLDR: If you want taxes, you best represent.
American History: Chapter 4
Rob and Chris learn about what early colonial life was like and what lead to the French and Indian War. A moving sermon of Fireball and New England clam chowder leaves us quite full and sleepy. A young surveyor by the name of George Washington gets punk'd by the French, but will he have the last laugh? TLDR: It's a Colonial Life.
American History: Chapter 3
Rob and Chris learn about Colonial America and all the religious baggage that Europeans brought here. The colonists in the North put on a fashion show to distract the Native Americans while they steal their land. Meanwhile in the South, Georgia forms a human buffer separating Spain and their sculpted, tan bodies from the rest of the flabby, pale colonists to the North. Also, Brazilian Jews make a surprise appearance! TLDR: Sorry Native Americans, here come the colonies!
American History: Chapter 2
Rob and Chris learn the real reason why Europeans came to America: spices! Is Jay-Z a direct descendant of Mansa Musa? Will Henry Hudson every shut up about that stupid road? All this and more in another thrillingly educational episode! TLDR: Europe comes to America in search of spices, leave disappointed.
American History: Chapter 1
Rob and Chris learn about the first Americans and what scholars refer to as "Prehistory". The Asians won't stop Tokyo drifting all over the place and farmers markets establish their place fondly in American consumers' hearts. The Aztecs then proceed to eat those hearts. All this and more in a chapter that covers close to 40,000 years in only 16 pages! This is The Dunce Caps: American History Chapter 1. TLDR: Asians come to America and confuse us thoroughly.
American History: Preface
Rob and Chris explain the origin of the idea for the podcast and how they "don't know anything about anything". Yes, they're that dumb. Listen along as Rob and Chris relearn American History at a 6th grade reading level, acting dumb while getting smart. Well, less dumb. This is The Dunce Caps: American History. TLDR: We're dumb, but want to be smart.