Sorry, am I boring you?

Welcome back to The Dynamics of Everyday Life! In this episode, I dive deep into the art—and myth—of “perfect listening.” I reflect on my own journey in coaching, challenging the classic belief that being told you're a "good listener" means you actually are one.There’s no such thing as a perfect listener, because listening is always relational—not technical. Being “good enough” is more authentic and meaningful than striving to check all the boxes. It’s okay to get it wrong sometimes, own it, and show up as your real self.00:02:12 — I explore listening behaviours, mentioning stereotypes like "the nodder" and "the paraphraser," and how these habits impact conversations.00:03:18 — I expand on the “saintly listener” stereotype and describes how these behaviours can leave people feeling unseen.00:04:20 — I shift into the psychodynamic reasons behind wanting to be a perfect listener, such as desire for approval, fear of conflict, and boosting self-esteem.00:04:55 — I describe how aiming for perfect listening can be self-defensive, and outline common defense mechanisms in listening (e.g., intellectualization, identification with the “good listener” role).00:06:17 — More defense mechanisms are discussed, including avoidance, reaction formation, denial of countertransference, and pseudo-containment.00:07:24 — I connect these mechanisms to the emotional impact on relationships and the importance of finding the right balance in listening.00:08:02 — I touch on the downsides of both under- and over-listening, and the importance of authentic reaction in relationships.00:08:54 — I caution against becoming a mirror rather than a person in coaching, emphasizing the need for resonance and genuine engagement.00:09:33 — I reference Winnicott’s concept of “good enough,” applying it to listening, and argue that being authentic is better than aiming for perfection.00:10:34 — I offer a reflective challenge for listeners to evaluate their own listening habits and motivations.Don’t forget to subscribe, and check out additional psychodynamic resources atThank you for listening to The Dynamics of Everyday Life!Connect with Julia:WebsiteLinkedInInstagramABOUT THE PODCASTThe Dynamics of Everyday Life explores the psychological patterns shaping how we think, work and relate to others; bringing psychodynamic thinking into coaching, leadership and everyday life.If you're a coach interested in learning more about psychodynamic approaches to coaching, you can explore Julia's training programmes on her website.FOLLOW THE PODCASTIf you're enjoying The Dynamics of Everyday Life, follow the podcast on your listening app so you don't miss future episodes.