Building Confidence

Our theme for May is negative self-talk. This is the first of four posts.Growing up, I firmly believed two things:* I was not clever.* I had nothing interesting to say.I have no idea exactly where or when these beliefs started. I thought I should be clever like my younger sister, and I was a shy introvert. Those feel like the starting points.After that, my brain seemed to collect “evidence” that these beliefs were true.Any time I was ignored, told to be quiet, or criticised, it counted as proof. Over time, those beliefs became part of who I was.Some memories are still so vivid they could have been yesterday, rather than over 50 years ago.* A teacher criticising my painting when I was about 10.* A friend of my uncle telling my father he “couldn’t get a word out of me,” prompting my father to say I had embarrassed him.* Freezing and being unable to say my lines in a classroom play, even when they were held up in front of me.Those moments were painful. And my mind decided they were good reasons to stay quiet and avoid taking risks.No matter how much I longed to be accepted, a voice in my head kept telling me I would never reach where I wanted to be, so why even try?For a long time, I believed that voice was telling me the truth.It sounded like me.It used my words.It knew exactly where to aim.“You’re not interesting enough.”“You’ve said too much.”“They don’t really want to hear from you.”It didn’t feel like a thought; it felt like a quiet knowing. For years, I thought this was just part of who I was. I thought it was guidance, so I listened.In a way, it was.What was really happening?As I built my confidence and self-trust, I noticed that these nasty comments were still playing out in my head.My confidence was improving, but whenever even something small went wrong, or I was slightly criticised, the same thoughts would be triggered. It felt like a lever was being pulled.You messed up because you are stupid.You never get things right.Don’t say that, you’ll sound boring.That was when I began to really hear how harsh the voice was.Why would I speak to myself like that?And then I realised something important.This voice wasn’t trying to hurt me.It was trying to protect me.Not in a calm or supportive way, but in a fast, automatic, deeply conditioned way.My brain recognised the feeling of being judged, dismissed, or not enough. The feelings it had learned in childhood.It had learned to pay close attention to anything uncomfortable and to try to prevent it from happening again.This is what the brain does.Over time, it builds a system designed to protect you.But that protection can start to sound like criticism.Why negative self-talk feels so convincingNegative self-talk isn’t random.It’s built from your memories, your experiences, and the meaning you gave to those moments.The voice feels familiar.You recognise the language.What it says feels true, so you don’t question it.You respond to it.You might:* Replay conversations in your head.* Second-guess what you said.* Hold back from trying anything new.* Try to get everything perfect.* Procrastinate and leave things unfinished.Not because you lack confidence, but because something within you is trying to keep you safe.This is the part that often gets missedPeople think they are failing because they can’t silence the voice.Trust me, this is not your failure.You’re responding exactly as your system has been trained to respond.It’s not the voice that is holding you back.The problem lies in how it is understood.When you believe that voice is you, you follow it without question.But when you begin to see it as something your mind has learned to do, something created to protect you, a small space opens.And in that space, something very important becomes possible.Awareness.You begin to notice the voice without immediately believing it.You hear the thought without letting it define you.You recognise the pattern without needing to fight it.A gentle place to startFor now, you don’t need to silence the voice.And you don’t need to force yourself to think positively.You only need to begin noticing.Over the next few days, see if you can become aware of when this voice shows up.There is no need to change or challenge it, just pay attention. You might be surprised by what you hear.Confidence begins to grow when you realise that not every thought you have needs to be followed.Something to reflect on this week* When does your inner voice feel the strongest or most convincing?* What does it tend to say to you most often?* Can you begin to notice what it might be trying to protect you from?* What changes, even slightly, when you observe the voice instead of immediately believing it?If negative self-talk is something you struggle with, we will be exploring it more deeply together in a live workshop later this month. Much loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

For the first half of my life, I needed people to understand and agree with me.I wanted to be sure my words were acceptable.If someone said, “I don’t agree,” it would have felt crushing.They didn’t even have to say it; I would always scan faces for permission to speak.We started April with a simple idea to explore:Confident communication naturally develops when you feel safe, grounded, and connected to yourself.My intention was to go beyond just improving your conversations. Because knowing how to have a great conversation doesn’t help if you feel anxious while you’re speaking, as I did.So instead, we explored something deeper:Why it can feel difficult to speak at all.For me, it was always the same fear.The fear that people would realise I wasn’t clever.That I wasn’t interesting.Beneath the surface, there was another question:Will they like me?My childhood belief that I was neither clever nor interesting held me back for a long time. Even now, it still surfaces at times. That familiar voice warns me of rejection when things don’t go as planned.The difference is that now I understand what is happening.Confident conversation comes from believing that what you say is enough. The other person is allowed to agree or disagree.You don’t have to explain your reasoning to make it acceptable.You can, if you choose to, but it’s no longer something you feel you have to do.And when you begin to trust yourself in that way, the message you give yourself is simple:I am enough.It’s not about always feeling at ease. It’s about knowing you don’t need to control the conversation.You just need to stay with yourself as it happens.The goal isn’t to remove discomfort; it’s to remain grounded while it’s there.Sometimes, simply pausing and taking a breath is enough to bring you back.Beneath the conversationBeneath everything we’ve explored this month, something deeper has been unfolding.This hasn’t really been about communication.It’s more about your relationship with yourself.When you begin to feel safe being yourself and start to trust that your words are enough, something shifts.Not just in how you communicate, but in how you live.The shift* You stop second-guessing everything you say.* You no longer feel the need to explain yourself so often.* You stay a little more grounded, even when things feel uncomfortable.And slowly, almost without noticing, you begin to feel more like yourself.You didn’t become a more confident version of yourself; you became more of you.For me, this didn’t happen overnight. Not even close.It was a quiet transformation. The change happened when I said something and didn’t replay it afterwards.In conversations where I didn’t feel the need to explain further. In silences when I didn’t rush to say more than needed.They were small changes, but they felt different because in those moments, I wasn’t trying to be someone else.I was simply allowing myself to be.Living in alignmentWhen you begin to trust yourself in how you speak, you start to trust yourself in other areas of your life as well.* In what you say yes to.* In what you say no to.* In how you show up.You stop shaping yourself to fit what you think others expect, and begin to live in a way that feels more natural. More natural and aligned.Self-confidence isn’t about becoming someone new.It’s about believing in who you already are.Something to reflect on this weekAfter following this series through April, take a moment to notice:* What has changed for me over the past few weeks?* Where do I feel a little more like myself?* Where am I still learning to trust myself?There’s no pressure to have this all figured out, because it isn’t something you achieve.It’s something you return to again and again.The theme for April has been confident communication, and this is the final post in the series. If you missed the other four, here are the links: Week 1 - I Thought I Needed More Confidence to Be InterestingWeek 2 - You Don’t Need Better Words, You Need More Self-TrustWeek 3 - Why We Over-Explain (And What It’s Really About)Week 4 - It’s Not the Conversation, It’s What Happens Inside YouIf you want to go deeper, consider upgrading to paid and joining The Confidence Circle.Confidence Matters by Sue Reid is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Our theme for May will be negative self-talk.See you then.Much loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe