Cell U.R. - A Sci-fi Musical Comedy Radiodrama audiobook of Vampires and Human Cellphones

In this Earth-shaking climax, Vampire Elvirus suggests Gnathal get an education with the song "Bong Hits for Jesus." He Who Never Forgets announces peace, while his haploid daughter Louise agrees to wed confirmed-bachelor and vampire-to-be, Gnathal. He separates himself from Christopheles Rex to become a family man with one big, 'happy ever-after' kiss of passion heated by a burning secret deep inside...

The Dragoons attack, Gand nathal finds himself the central vortex of a sea of amulets in the night. The doctors aren't sure it's a baby. The Alien Spaceship enters Earth's Time-space, and Vampire Elvirus reveals her true self with timeless tales of modern, politically connected vampires that re-examine the nature of sex and masculinity in a world where technology allows human females to clone themselves to the song "Kiss and Tell Eternity."

Gnathal, along with Vampire Elvirus and her huge dog Wolfie, must try to rescue Louise from the gangbangers, the Imp Udents. Spaceship Rambler gives its final podcast to a planet that fails to respond in kind.

The Children of the Greatful Dead of Night flood the Metroplex with purple foam to hide the invasion of yellow school buses. A plague of Dragoons darkens the skies, and invading denizens of the DevaState occupy Metroplex property. Fearful Metroplexuals, unused to disconnects from the Central Server, flee into the DevaState. The perimeter of the Metroplex explodes in programmed fury against the illusion of a siege. The Imp Udents kidnap Louise.

They torture Gnathal with the song "Whiplash" to psychologically prepare him for Confession to the Warden in his Last Words, just before he serves his life sentence of Civil Death. Rescued by the over-heated Louise, he helps her father, a Super-user, initiate a top-secret terabyte transmission that gives the Metroplex a new Computroler. The State clears the thunderstorms so all can watch the warring spaceships orbit the earth, but a reflected nuclear blast destroys the Twin Bong Towers and the resultant electromagnetic surge renders all electric circuits, and thus all transponders, useless.

After the followers of Christopheles kill the imposter, Gnathal becomes Public Enemy Number One, and the gangbanger Impudents threaten to kidnap Louise. During the song "Metroplex Anthem," Gnathal gets hit by a TASESOGSV weapon and captured. He finds himself incarcerated in the Pleasure Coma, where a computer virus infects him with the song "Cell Udot Rdot."

Dizzy in his transporter driving through a night rain, Gnathal ponders his future as either Christopheles Rex the Warlock Vampire, or married to the filthy rich, well-connected Louise as her doting husband. He wakes up confirmed that his destiny awaits as Christopheles, and begins life as the uber-vampire that glimpsed God's impenetrable plan, and swore, an oaf to serve Him, by the Way of Podcasts of Truth to the world's disenfranchised.

Gnathal recognizes himself in one of Vampire Elvirus's dark Gothic animalist minimalist videos. She regains his sympathy with the song "Santa's Lapp Dance" and begins to ready him for his Vampire Awakening with tales of vampirism as a stage of life, a primal condition of the human experience, linked to Judaism, God and Angels, proto-humans, carnal fulfillment, instincts, and other non-essential parts of life.

Jilted Gnathal falls into despondence, indolence, and impotence which motivates him to join in the revelry in the Metroplex underbelly. He receives a gift of twinner Love Dolls and reconnects with Louise, so that her dad, the Super-user, can train Ganthal in the improper use of his Transponder on the eve of President Duroc's announcement of war.

A wet dream of Vampire Elvirus in the coils of a serpent deep in a a cave in the Grand Tetons inspires Gnathal to return to Walloon Pond with beer and toilet paper to confront his inner self, and self-actualize. After he returns to his seedy job in the Pornopolis, his ex-girlfriend Louise flames him with an awakening ping of seething hatred. Much later, she surprises him with a nice message about a dead rabbit, and the song "In Trouble."

Vampyric belly dances around the campfire- the adventures of a Goth foursome on a long-term camp-out in an agrarian organic commune. Song "Weird Beautiful."

Chaperoned by gender-indistinct Hedonitus back to the Metroplex, Gnathal works monitoring workers in the seedy underbelly of the Metroplex and takes weekend bike trips into DevaState in preparation to hook up with Louise on the Solstice.

Louise takes Gnathal on horseback to her father, the Super-User, to restore his Transponder functionality. Poem: Cristopheles, Songs "Viennese Vamp," "Desert Ride," and " Wiccan Moon."

A Dragoon chases Gnathal up the cliffs onto a high plateau of windswept grasses. He lives as a hermit in an encampment on the shores of an alligator infested lake until he meets the equestrian Louise, who will love the virginity out of him to the song "Meet Your Expectations."

Sheik Cano's men kidnap Gnathal and take him deep into the DevaState to sell to the Muck People, who banish him to work the mushrooms in Growhouse tunnels. President Duroc announces his Political Theory. During the mating song "Onda Beach," Gnathal escapes into the terrors of the DevaState.

In the drunk tank, Gnathal guards the lingerie-clad sleeping vampire all day. When Vampire Elvirus awakens a trifle before sunset, she uses the worst torture known to man to escape from jail. Later that week in boot camp, Gnathal, a DevaCop trainee, will sing along to the song "Border Line."

Gnathal recieves his piece of pink electronic paper that details how he loses his job, fired, and laid off, and then immediately hears the Prezident's podcast to the world as a member of the Revolutional Leaders, that the Metroplex will "Preepair faor Suicide Wah." Gnathal agrees on a date with busty Vampire Elvirus, to meet her in SpaceTime Square, New Year's Eve, for a Wilding of public innoculation to the Song "Mother's Milk."

Gnathal wants to buy Vampire Elvirus to whine and dine, but on who? Their romantic evening of food, wine, and intellectual intercourse overshadows a bed of music and poetry that includes such classics as "The Vampire's Kiss," "Cell-UR," and "Vampire's Bolero."

After Gnathal overloads on podcasts, he test-drives his new Personal Customizable Transporter and runs into Cyberspace call girl Vampire Elvirus. She hitches a ride and virtually propositions our virginal hero, but her two thugs have other, more permanent, ideas that might be harmful to others.

As he works at his Wallscreen, Gnathal listens to podcasts such as President Maximilliano Duroc's thanks for his re-election to another four years, the Spaceship Rambler reality show's virgin crew boinking and hotwiving, and a brief History of the DevaState.

Gnathal obsesses over the multi-media business card of the tattoo-artist, fortune-teller, professional escort "Vampire Elvirus" which inspires him to buy a Personal Custom Transporter.

Replaying the nano-recorded memories of his kidnapping the day before, Gnathal discovers clues. Duncan attempts to prove his lost innocence with thirty-seconds of a cheesecake-in-extremis video he claims he shot during the act of telling Gnathal both Goths and residents of the Devastate exist as "holes in the great tapestry of humanity," easy to round up as the usual suspects.

Obese urbane gameboy Gnathal, a human cell phone from the Metroplex, works an assignment in the Devastate, where two scruffy men force him into a rendezvous with Vampire Elvirus.