Deliver The Profile

Keep on Truckin' "Month" keeps on truckin' with "Solitary Man", a story about a man who just wants a mother for his daughter and is willing to abduct and kill to do it. This is an uncharacteristically short episode, please forgive us, but there really isn't that much to say about a guy who reframes his serial murder as fairy tales for his daughter. 

This week Ronnie and Jazz have some sad news about a beloved cast member of Criminal Minds, some sad news about the continued existence of Criminal Minds: Evolution, and some sad news about the episode "Compromising Positions", mainly that it sucks. It's about swingers and for that reason numbers among the grossest of Criminal Minds episodes. It's about swingers and for that reason numbers among the grossest of Criminal Minds episodes.

Ronnie and Jazz deal with truckers, truck stops and the way of the road in "The Bond", a show about a serial killer who lives to please his mother. Don't think it's too much like Psycho; it's not because Psycho is great and this sucks. Starring Bullseye from the Daredevil show and Veronica Cartwright, "The Bond" asks the pivotal question: would you kill your girlfriend if your mom said so? The answer will not surprise you.

Here's your fucking slop about slop. Enjoy it.

As a vacation from ourselves, the boys at Deliver The Profile dispense with Criminal Minds for the week in favor of an episode of S.W.A.T., the CBS procedural starring Criminal Minds muscle man Shemar Moore. "Never Again" has the team trying to foil jewel heists with a twist that you will not see coming unless you've been huffing the same freon the writers room has. Also, Chris the bisexual S.W.A.T.ter is offered a spot in a poly relationship. Remember: every S.W.A.T. is the most insane episode of S.W.A.T.

In "Demons", Season 9 comes to a close and so does Jeanne Tripplehorn's character. The Bible Pimp is getting away, Reid has been shot, a conspiracy is afoot. Who is the unsub, really? Find all that and more in this episode of Deliver The Profile, delivered directly to you, the listener.

The show celebrates its 350th episode in style with "Angels", a Season 9 two-parter that closes that season. Who is the culprit behind these prostitute murders? Is it a fake preacher or some real sheriff's deputies? Perhaps it could be both. The boys try to reason their way through what is some pretty egregious nonsense.

How do you make a sexual slavery Ariel Castro story compelling and, uh, not gross? You hire Daniel Roebuck and remind Ronnie and Jazz of that time he portrayed Jay Leno in The Late Shift. "Hostage" is basically what would happen if instead of holding late night television hostage Leno did it to three girls. Ronnie kept kicking this one down the schedule but Criminal Minds should've just led with "unsub Jay Leno". 

Criminal Minds throws us a curveball with "The Edge of Winter", a format bender that mostly takes place in flashbacks. That doesn't make the episode good, of course, just different. Morgan and the gang try to prep a witness for an upcoming court case; already this is an outlier because in 85% of cases the team just shoots the unsub before anyone can go to trial. Does the witness know more than she's saying? Look, this show isn't difficult to predict. This show delivers the twist in the narrative like it does everything else: poorly. Join Ronnie and Jazz as they embark on, I guess, Sexual Slavery Month. Ooh, that doesn't sound right now does it.

"Distress" time: Holt McCallany has gone native and it's up to the inteprid profilers of Criminal Minds to stop him before he kills again. Ronnie and Jazz discuss Black Hawk Down, the crime rate in Houston, and how annoying Reid's drug arc is. "Distress" caps off our Season 2 sojourn; hope you survived the experience!

Criminal Minds covers race relations...or do they? "Fear and Loathing" feints at that but instead is about how men will lure women into being murdered with promises of music stardom. Also, Reid continues to deal with his onset of drug addiction, bringing to mind that season of 24 where Jack was hooked on heroin or The French Connection II. Ronnie and Jazz will make it make sense for you as always.

The Deliver The Profile boys are back in 2026 to cover Season 2's "Revelations", which obviously is part 2 to "The Big Game"'s part 1. James Van Der Beek has Reid captive and the kid's having tragic backstory-relevant flashbacks amidst the torture. JJ freaks out on Morgan, Prentiss is a cool cucumber and Hotch definitely doesn't put himself in front of the team. Find out if Reid survives the wrath of JVDB in the latest DTP!

It's "The Big Game", because for legal reasons CBS cannot call it the Super Bowl. We can though, so fuck it. After the Super Bowl, a couple is murdered for having too many possessions. The culprit is someone named Raphael, meaning either an archangel or a ninja turtle is committing heinous crimes. This episode also shows what the BAU does in a party setting, and it's vaguely pathetic. (Reid does Star Trek trivia!) James Van Der Beek stars, Don Swayze co-stars, and Mandy Patinkin looks at drawings of birds during the Super Bowl. What more could you ask for in the HIGHEST RATED CRIMINAL MINDS IN SHOW HISTORY? Nothing, that's what.

In this episode of Criminal Minds, the BAU goes rat hunting in "Internal Affairs", even though it's a different branch of government and all the conflict about policing your own is lost. Didn't we see The Departed, anyone? This is all part of the Season 11 Dirty Dozen we are obligated to cover it eventually, but we're so darned annoyed by this storyline that we'll only give 100% instead of 110% like usual.

Criminal Minds, in "Full Tilt Boogie" from Season 13, addresses the opioid epidemic plaguing America's (white) communities the same way it addresses every societal issue in its purview: poorly. Learn what an Mhm is in the latest episode of Deliver The Profile, your stalwart defense against the forces of bad procedural television.

Here it is: the LAST episode EVER of Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders. Don't worry, we've still got like five episodes left to do, but this is chronologically the last one. It has everything: an evil clown, William Forsythe, Russia, ballerinas, an agent shot in the line of duty, and, of course, an "Everything's Okay" dinner. This was a television show that aired during prime time, and we are all lesser for it.

Deliver The Profile celebrates its 10th year on the air with "Dorado Falls", a paranoid thriller about an ex-soldier who thinks his family has been replaced by impostors. Also, Morgan makes Prentiss do extra training because he's a dick. Thanks for listening, if you're a longtime fan or if this is your first time.

An episode so not rife with incident Ronnie and Jazz couldn't even squeeze an hour of podcasting out of it. Just because it's the shortest podcast in years does not mean it's without its merits as DTP covers "Target Rich", an episode in which Rossi's long lost daughter comes asking for a favor. Thankfully, the favor is "find a serial killer" and not "be an active father", so Rossi is up to the job. Also, JJ returns from maternity leave, meaning now sometimes a blonde actress spouts exposition in scenes.

What if you did Die Hard, decades after we were assaulted with a slate of Die Hard ripoffs, on a network television budget, starring the guy from The Wheel of Time? You get "Ex Parte", a hostage situation made all the more perilous by one of the captives being Simmons' wife. Come for the derivative plotting and stay for the confusing politics. Also, will Simmons get a new cell phone? He will if his freakin' wife has anything to say about it!

A witch hunter in Utah tries to kill witches and other sinners in "In The Blood", which is also the opportunity for Garcia to throw a Day of the Dead party. We meet creeps, volunteers at the library, secret drug addicts and finally learn which dead comrades the BAU considers worth celebrating. If you guessed Nikola Tesla and not Blake's dead son, you'd be right.

A vacation from ourselves as Daniel slots in for Jazz in this episode of Deliver The Profile. "Open Season" is about men hunting other men, including girls. It's an early episode of the second season vintage, so that means Mandy Patinkin is there full assing what Joe Mantegna would later quarter ass. Ronnie and Daniel give the show the lampooning it deserves.

Ronnie and Jazz discuss the Josh Stewart (Criminal Minds' own Foghorn Leghorn) starring serial killer thriller The Collector.

It has been almost 100 episodes since we checked in on S.W.A.T., Shemar Moore's post-Criminal Minds show, and we thought it'd be a good time to do so in the afterglow of Criminal Minds Season 18. Vacation for Deliver The Profile involves watching Shawn Ryan's dumbest show bedevil us with incomprehensibly awesome and stupid storytelling. Land mines, someone named Torque Vaughn, a stalking subplot: "Ride or Die" and "Return to Base", the final episodes of the series, have all that and more.

It's over! It's finally over...until the next season, that is. "The Disciple" finishes up the Voit's Disciple arc of the show, and boy is it underwhelming. We never expected to be whelmed but Jesus. The boys vent their spleens over the stupid shit in Season 18 and the series generally. It's almost two hours, folks! Strap in and feel the Gs.

The penultimate episode of the season is upon us with the confusingly titled "CollateRal". No, we never learn with the R is upper case. This furthers the gang's investigation into The Disciple, who wants Voit back as a killer and will do anything necessary to accomplish that, including Halloween IIing a hospital. Also: Coffin Kyle returns! It's the year of Aaron Stanford, folks.

Things like "plot progression" grind to a halt in favor of a coma fantasy about Tara Lewis' committment issues. Gag me with a fucking spoon. "Tara" is not the worst episode of the series or even the season, but the paucity of inspiration is palpable. 

Do not watch this episode if you hate spiders like a little girl hates spiders. Do listen as Ronnie and Jazz try to make sense of the latest episode of Criminal Minds: Evolution, which does end with Evan Delray and a slightly more important character SHOT IN THE PARKING GARAGE LIKE DOGS. "...All The Devils Are Here"? You said it, Criminal Minds.

This week on The Minds, somebody is burying people in coffins and allowing them a phone call before they reach their demise. There's also some relationship drama betwixt Tara, Rebecca and Rebecca's ex who is the new DOJ liasion to Voit. Man, who fucking cares. Ronnie and Jazz try to.

JJ and Voit's doctor talk at length about life, the universe and everything. All doctors are every kind of doctor, apparently. The BAU also encounter The Brutal Man (hence the episode title "The Brutal Man"), some jamoke wearing a Japanese Noh Theatre mask who murders families because he hates stickers. It's stupid. We're stupid for talking about it. Everything is stupid. 

In a break from Criminal Minds: Evolution protocol, "I'm Fine, It's Fine. Everything is Fine" almost tells a complete story like the good old days when the show was a bad procedural instead of a bad serialized show. Someone posing as an EMT is abducting women and taking their skin, and readers of Ronnie's Night Man Nights column may recognize the unsub. Also more Voit shit, because there's more Voit shit every fucking episode. JJ is still grieving her dead husband and it takes her some dark places. Not actually dark, but it's funny to see AJ Cook try to act tough. 

Hit the road, Will, and don't you come back, no more, no more, no more, no more. "Time To Say Goodbye" covers Will's funeral and everyone is very sad. Which is weird because this episode marks a blink and miss it return from none other than THW GUBE himself, Spencer Reid. Witness his 90 seconds of screentime and marvel at his delivery of one line. Was he paid by the word? Probably! Also: more Voit bullshit. This time he's confronted by one of his still living victims. Remember Ramona? You do not.

The second episode of Evolution Season 2 introduces an unsub called The Zookeeper. (Hence the episode title "The Zookeeper".) Those wishing for Kevin James will be sorely disappointed, because it's a different fat guy altogether. Voit continues to (pretend to?) be simple, Rossi makes promises he can't keep, and at the end SOMEONE DIES. Other than the unsub. It's a thrilling hour of television if you've never seen television before.

We're crossing the streams with a Deliver the Profile/Thrawnderdome coproduction! Speaking of referencing other, more famous media, Ronnie and Daniel discuss Joss Whedon's ill-starred X-Men ripoff superhero ensemble drama HBO-to-Tubi original series The Nevers. Sparkless writing, dodgy special effects, weak load-bearing premises, behind the scenes disgrace, The Nevers had it all! So how did it go so wrong? With two preeminent scholars of garbage television on the case, answers can't be far behind!

NEW SEASON! NEW SEASON! NEW SEASON ALERT! That means the Boys are knee deep in Evolution; "Swimmer's Calculus" is about a drowning unsub. Voit is also recovering from his stabbing at the end of last season. Tyler Green doesn't get to have a gun. All that and a trigger warning makes for a definite hour of television.

It's the last episode of Deliver The Profile...until the new season of Criminal Minds, that is. Don't think you got off that easily, kids. In "The Forever People" the BAU uncovers a cult that freezes people to do...something. Walt Disney? Ted Williams? Whatever. Also, JJ relives her torture from last season by hallucinating guys and getting aggressive during boxing.

In "A Place at the Table" the BAU have to solve a dinner massacre by interviewing suspects and finding out who is the most sus. Is it the son's boyfriend, the daughter's boyfriend, or DILLON? Meanwhile, Hotch runs afoul of an elderly man as he is tasked with taking care of his infirm and Alzheimer's riddled father-in-law, played by Ed Asner. It's all that and a lot of stupid shit this week on Deliver The Profile.

Ever wanted to know Garcia's origin story? Too bad, you're hearing it anyway. In "The Black Queen", Garcia must regress to her past persona to help solve a case of someone killing prostitutes and the computer world is involved somehow. In the midst of this we get to meet Garcia's ex-boyfriend, aka the worst person alive. (Worse than Nicholas Brendon!) Come for the origin, stay for Jeffrey Combs. Is he the unsub? Would Criminal Minds ever be that predictable?

Deliver The Profile takes on the apocalypse in "The Bunker", wherein somebody's kidnapping women based on the...proximity to the doomsday clock? That can't be right. Yet it is, and it results in one of the dumbest episodes ever, with some of the dumbest dialogue ever. Wait for it and you'll know.

Jazz is back in the saddle to discuss "The Witness", a Season 11 'winner' in which a guy unleashes a sarin gas attack on a Los Angeles bus and framing someone for it. He almost gets away with it too. Listen to Ronnie and Jazz tear apart Criminal Minds' attempt at homaging Arlington Road same DTP time, same DTP channel.

Daniel Daughhetee takeover fortnight concludes with a look at "Hero Worship", a bomb of a bombing episode that sees a man rescue a pregnant woman from sheer doom and then face a bombing of his own. Who is this man, and what does a dead troop living room shrine have to do with anything? All this and the Thrawnderdome banter you've grown to know and love.

Daniel appears on DTP for the 8th (!) time as we discuss "Perennials", a Season 8 episode of the show broadly about a guy killing people reborn into other people. Yes, reincarnation. How long before the BAU tracks down ghosts and goblins? Well, Ghost Whisperer's Jennifer Love Hewitt DOES enter in Season 10...

In "Amelia Porter", a bunch of dumb shit happens and the Criminal Minds crew loosely adapts the real life horrific crimes of Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka. Poorly, of course. More importantly, though, Hotch cut those strings loose and is now a swinging bachelor, ready to get down and fuck. All because Beth's actress was gonna be on Prodigal Son or something.

What do you get when you combine the JFK assassination, a guy getting Todd Mulcahy'd and memory palaces? You get "Final Shot", a Season 9 Criminal Minds that is pretty bad even by Criminal Minds standards. 

Beyond Borders time. In "Lost Souls" come for the reductive trip to Tanzania by way of Los Angeles, stay for the cartoon animals. Ronnie is dosed on Valium so don't expect the highest energy performance. What do you expect, it's a show too racist for the Trump Administration.

The promised Kraven the Hunter podcast is finally here, as Ronnie and Jazz provide an epitaph for the Sony Spider-Man Minus Spider-Man Cinematic Universe in what may be its worst installment yet.

Ronnie and Jazz discuss the smash box office hit Sonic the Hedgehog 3, featuring Keanu Reeves as Shadow the Hedgehog and Jim Carrey as multiple Robotniks.

The boys discuss Season 10's "Lockdown" and mostly talk about how much they miss Oz.

Here it is: Criminal Minds' effort to interpret creepypasta in "Hashtag". Who is the Mirror Man? If your photo has him poorly Photoshopped onto it are you marked for death? Find out in one of the dumbest Criminal Minds yet. You might recognize the line "fear this, mirror bitch" from the show's opening theme!

A real humdinger of an episode this week with "All That Remains", a show so memorable Ronnie thought the podcast had already covered it. But actually there's a lot going for it: Ken Olin (thirtysomething) wakes up to find his daughters missing...on the anniversary of his wife's disappearance. Is he the culprit? Probably. Or is someone framing him for the crimes? Probably not, but keep in mind this show is really, really stupid.

Lois & Clark superfan Chris Ludovici (Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie) joins Ronnie on the podcast today as they discuss "Risky Business", perhaps one of the most maliciously stupid episodes of Criminal Minds. The BAU is called in to investigate suicides that are actually the culprit of a choking website compels kids in nowheresville Wyoming to choke themselves competitively. Why would someone make such a website and how does it work? Ronnie and Chris discuss that and other topics, as talking about Criminal Minds for too long is hazardous for one's health.