Am I A Mess?

Ya know.. you’d think with as much as I think about and am constantly “noting down in my head for later”….or “wondering if anyone else feels the same as I do”… that I’d be here all the time sharing, expressing, and just ranting on day after day.But that’s just not how feelings work… well, not how mine work anyways.I’m in a constant “battle” within my own mind between thinking about the ifs and the whys... and just trying to enjoy the right now. This game of tug of war where I’m lost in thoughts of memories of people I miss and “the good ole days,” just for a few hours later to remember that I’m living in the good ole days right now.Life is a b***h, absolutely… but it comes with its own set of family members too… I’m trying my best not to start quoting Lil’ Wayne right now, but just know… I’m thinking it. (IYKYK)One of those members being Perspective, who often gets lost in the shuffle. (I think it was married in or something, but family nonetheless! 😆) Perspective has been able to remind me of two things:Number 1: Keep Moving ForwardI’m currently living in so many answered prayers and blessings over the years… some from me.. some not from me.. but answered all the same. I’ve spoken on this before, but sometimes we need to remember the times where we “swore” we didn’t see an end to a tough day/week. We “knew” there was nowhere to go after losing a job or relationship. We couldn’t even give up, because we didn’t have anything else to give… (see what I did there?)But what happened after that? Time kept going, you kept going, and before you knew it, everything you were worried about was long behind you.My point is: Perspective has shown me that there’s only one way to go… forward.* When it’s hard & you want to quit, move forward.* When you want to go hide & cry, keep moving forward.* When you achieve your goal, you celebrate, feel accomplished, pick the next target, and start moving forward again!Number 2: Know when to look backI wouldn’t classify myself as a “runner” by any means. Can I run? Sure. Will I run? Depends on who’s asking and why. But anything that remotely includes a “mini,” “(number)K,” “whatever marathon,” or “Spartan, Roman, American, Alien, etc. Race”, count me ALL of the way out. I mean 3 strikes, red card, penalty box OUT.Sorry… however, now you fully understand me…Something I imagine veteran runners would advise new runners on would be to always focus on what’s in front of you & not to worry about what’s already past during the race. You can look back on your progress/success once you pass the finish line. The same logic can apply throughout life, I think.Now, I’m obviously not saying don’t cherish memories or keep them close to your heart. Clearly, I just started this thing talking about how I’m constantly fighting between being present and thinking about the past.However, what I am saying is if you have a goal (say it’s to put on 20lbs of muscle for my fit journey/New Year’s resolution peeps) the journey feels a whole lot harder if, at the end of every week, you’re weighing/comparing yourself to where you started, then beating yourself up because you feel like “you aren’t seeing progress a month in.”But I can guarantee you that if you went back and the only thing you did differently was not check the scale and worked hard every day the same as before, you’d see that difference instantly.How I think about it is like climbing a mountain (which I also would never do in person most likely.. just not my thing). While you’re mid-climb, hanging from a rope, probably isn’t the best time to take a look back at your progress, is it? No, you want to look back at the Summit… the peak, when you know you’ve conquered something not many have done.The Big PictureSo I know #2 was super inspirational and now you’re ready to go run a Spartan Marathon up Mt. Everest after you put 20lbs of muscle on… BUT you might be wondering, how does this tie in with remotely anything you said before?Well, since you asked… like I said, it’s all about perspective, right?As you move forward through life you have your ups and downs, your starts and stops, your wins and losses. But through it all, you move forward. Eventually, along the road, you’ll get to a point, similar to where I am now, where you realize that you’re now somehow past those days you never knew you’d get through, and you realize it made you, for better (hopefully) or for worse, who you are today.This isn’t a “goal achieved” story… I haven’t climbed a mountain, ran a race, hell I’m honestly not even sure I’ve walked 5K steps today… BUT, none of us can get to the finish line to enjoy the view without staying focused & moving forward.Thanks, Perspective. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit catchcortez.substack.com

Hey... welcome to “Am I a Mess”... I’m Ricky.If you found your way here you can probably tell that the appearance of my page on Substack is a little lacking and not ascetically pleasing by any means.. I mean I’m not even on video for goodness sakes who does that anymore right... but I decided not to let that stop me anymore...Ive got a bad habit of “thinking everything needs to be perfect before I start something..” but this couldn’t be put off any longer...I felt today was the right day considering some news I received today around a friend of mine no longer being with us...which is eating me up inside right now... But what that has to do with this is when I came up with the name/idea of the podcast I was super excited and I needed to make sure I told someone before I forgot.. because my ADHD brain will do that.....a lot..So she was the first name who text me when I picked up my phone and the first person who knew of this idea... I don’t even have anything to talk about but... I just want to talk about grief.. and heartache. It sucks knowing that you can wake up one day and someone you’ve spoken to so much and has become such a part of your routine is just gone... It’s like your brain and body instantly feels a whole not only in your heart... but throughout your day... like all this afternoon I was just sitting doing nothing...just thinking.. I bet this is when I’d check my phone and have a goofy IG video to watch or a video on snapchat telling me about her daughter being hilarious.... But instead... nothing. silence...It’s the silence that kills you. The silence that hurts almost as much as losing them in the first place. The finding out is awful no matter how it happens... but then the constant irrational... “what could I’ve done” over and over just repeats regardless if it was even possible you or anyone could done anything... So you just... try to go on...?Go on with your life with a new hole, a new sadness.. this weight you never can - or really want to get rid of. You do your best to keep their memories alive and love on the people who are also hurting... You’re stronger together than alone.So you just get used to it. It becomes a part of you. My advice you didn’t ask for: Avoid the silence when you can, especially on the tough days... But don’t be afraid of it either. It’s not bad to sit in silence, it’s bad to STAY in silence. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit catchcortez.substack.com

Well I mean lets see where this goes right?I’ve always wanted to have my own space to share my thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc and have done it through multiple platforms over the years. Substack, which I was just randomly introduced to by one of my friends, seems like it may be the best place to share them in all the many different plays I’d like to in one place!So yeah… let’s see how much fun (trouble) we can get into… RC This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit catchcortez.substack.com