Dating on High Alert

Send us Fan MailYou Can’t Love Well From a False Map | Dating on High Alert with Ilja AbbattistaWhat happens when the information you’ve used to understand yourself was never built for the full picture?A major new study has found that over half of ADHD and autism content online is inaccurate or misleading - and honestly, I think a lot of people can already feel that.Because so many people are trying so hard to heal.Learning the language.Doing the work.Trying to understand themselves and their relationships……and still ending up confused, overwhelmed, heartbroken, or exhausted.In this episode, Ilja Abbattista explores:🧠 AuDHD misinformation online🖤 trauma, masking & nervous system survival⚡ why so much relationship advice misses the mark🧩 the complexity of late diagnosis & self understanding🌿 and what changes when you finally start working from a more accurate map of yourselfBecause maybe you were never failing.Maybe the map was incomplete.If this episode resonates with you and you’d like support navigating your own patterns, relationships, self understanding, or healing journey, you can find ways to work with Ilja in the show notes, including 1:1 coaching and Dear Ilja voice note support.And if this podcast is helping you feel seen, understood, or less alone - please consider supporting the show by sharing the episode or leaving a review. It genuinely helps keep these conversations going.Links are in the show notes.Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailWhat if the intensity you’re feeling… isn’t connection?In this episode of Dating on High Alert, we’re looking at something that doesn’t get talked about anywhere near enough - the way ambiguity, inconsistency, and mixed signals can feel like chemistry.Especially for ADHD and AuDHD brains, where dopamine is driven by uncertainty, not stability. Ambiguity can be particularly activating, exhausting, or destabilising for many autistic people.That pull you feel? The constant thinking about them? The high when they show up and the drop when they don’t?It can feel like meaning. Like something important is happening.But sometimes, it’s not about the person. It’s about what the situation is doing to your nervous system.We also go deeper into what happens when you ignore your internal signal for too long - how self-abandonment doesn’t happen all at once, but slowly, quietly, and reasonably… until you realise you’ve lost yourself inside something that no longer fits.And then comes the question so many people sit with:Do I stay, or do I go?This episode breaks down why that decision feels so difficult, especially when you can’t visualise a better future, don’t feel confident, and are waiting for clarity that never seems to arrive.And more importantly… what actually moves you forward when none of those things are in place.This isn’t theory.This is lived experience, pattern recognition, and truth, without the fluff.If this episode resonates with you:• Listen to the full episode via the link in the show notes • Share it with someone who needs to hear it • Follow the podcast for more honest conversations around dating, ADHD, trauma, and relationshipsWork with me:If you’re stuck in patterns you can’t seem to break, navigating neurodivergent relationships, or trying to make a decision you keep avoiding - this is exactly the work I do.→ Coaching, support, and contact details: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/ → Support the podcast: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supportImportant Support Resources:If you are in a situation where you don’t feel safe, please reach out for support:• Refuge (24/7 helpline): 0808 2000 247 • Women's Aid: womensaid.org.uk • Men's Advice Line: 0808 801 0327 • LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0800 999 5428 • Samaritans: 116 123You don’t have to navigate it alone.Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailYour Body Already Knew. Your Mind Just Didn’t Want to Know.Have you ever had a feeling about someone that you kept explaining away?It wasn't because you were naïve, or because you “missed the signs.”But because the connection felt stronger than the warning your body was giving you.In this episode of Dating on High Alert, Ilja Abbattista explores the difference between gut feelings, intuition, and trauma responses - and why so many of us learned to override ourselves long before we ever entered a relationship.This episode is for:• Neurodivergent people navigating relationships, masking, emotional overwhelm, and self-trust• People with trauma histories who struggle to trust their own knowing• Partners wanting to better understand trauma responses, intuition, and nervous system patterns• Anyone who keeps finding themselves overriding what they already knowInside this episode, Ilja explores:• The difference between gut feelings and intuition• Why trauma responses can blur clear thinking• Why strong feelings are not always true feelings• How childhood experiences can disconnect us from our own signals• ADHD, object permanence, and internal imagery• Why visualisation and manifestation advice often fails neurodivergent brains• The difference between thinking an image and seeing one• Why masking, survival, and self-doubt make complete sense• The real reason we override ourselves — and why it isn’t weaknessThis isn’t an episode about blaming yourself for the times you stayed.It’s about learning to hear yourself sooner.⸻CONTENT NOTE:This episode includes discussion of trauma, abusive relationships, dissociation, nervous system responses, and survival adaptations.⸻💬 WORK WITH ILJAIf this episode resonated with you and you’re looking for support that actually works with your brain and nervous system - not against it - you can explore support, coaching, and resources here:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/🖤 SUPPORT THE PODCASTIf Dating on High Alert has helped you feel seen, understood, or a little less alone - you can support the podcast here:Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailYou don’t keep choosing the same person.It just feels like you do.Different face. Same pattern.Different relationship. Same ending.Different version of you… somehow still stuck in the same place.And at some point, you start asking the question that quietly eats away at everything:What am I doing wrong?This episode answers that. Directly.Because the problem was never you…It’s the starting point you’ve been given.Most advice tells you to wait for motivation.To visualise the outcome.To believe before you move.But what if none of that comes first?In this episode, I break down the actual sequence that creates change, the one I’ve been using my entire life without realising it:Feeling → Decision → Action → Build → BeliefNot theory. Not fluff.A method that explains why you’ve felt stuck, and exactly how to move.We also go deeper into:Why cycles repeat (even when you’re self-aware)Why “just try harder” makes things worseWhat’s really happening when your brain stops instead of movesHow relationships get stuck in the same loopAnd the one shift that changes everythingIf you’ve ever felt like you’re doing everything right… and still not getting anywhere, this is the missing piece.If this episode landed for you ... don’t sit with it and overthink it.Tell me where you’re stuck.Send me a voice note through Dear Ilja.Just talk. No structure. No pressure. That’s your first step.And if you already know you’re ready to go deeper -my 1:1 sessions are open.You don’t need to wait until you feel ready.You just need to move.Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailWhy are you late… even when you care?In this episode, we’re talking about ADHD, autism, and time blindness, and why AuDHD brains experience time completely differently.This is not an episode about excuses or apologies. It’s an explanation.Because when you understand what’s actually happening, everything changes.We’re unpacking the reality of the now and not now brain, where time doesn’t flow, it switches. Where something can matter deeply to you, and still somehow… disappear until it’s too late.Why you can be on time for a job interview, but late for dinner with someone you love. Why waiting mode can quietly take your whole day. Why changing a plan by ten minutes can feel like everything just broke. And why safe relationships, the ones that matter most, don’t always trigger the urgency your brain needs.And we’re also talking about the other side of this.What it feels like to be the person waiting. The pause before someone says “it’s fine.” The way lateness can land as I don’t matter, even when that isn’t what’s happening at all.Because both experiences are real. And most people are trying to navigate this without the language for what’s actually going on.If you’ve ever called yourself lazy, disorganised, careless, or unreliable, this is for you.And if you’ve ever loved someone and quietly wondered, “If I matter so much… why am I the one still waiting?” this is for you too.Understanding this doesn’t fix everything. But it changes the conversation, from blame to structure, from shame to strategy.And that’s where things actually start to shift.If this landed, if you recognised yourself or your relationship in this, I work with both people in that dynamic. Individually, and together.Because understanding is only the beginning. Knowing what to do with it is where things change.You can book a call, or send a voice note if that feels easier. Links are in the show notes. Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailIn the final part of the masking trilogy, Ilja goes somewhere she has never gone publicly before.This episode isn’t theory, it’s truth.The difference between the self-criticism you can hear… and the kind that lives in silence.The core belief formed before language, the one that doesn’t show up as a thought, but as a feeling. A reality. A quiet, persistent sense that something about you was never quite right.Ilja explores what happens when that belief is shaped by complex trauma, repeated experiences of being overlooked, and the absence of anyone stepping in to say: this isn’t your fault.She speaks, for the first time, about the specific impact of exploitation on her relationship with money, the lived experience of earning and having everything taken, and how that creates a deeply embodied block that mindset work alone doesn’t reach.This episode goes beyond the inner critic.Into the nervous system. Into the body.  Into the place where the belief actually lives.And it introduces the one thing that has survived everything:The core belief that anything is possible.Not something learned after the trauma, but something that existed within it.This is the most personal episode of the series.And it ends with an invitation:Watch this space.If this episode landed somewhere in you, if you recognised the silent version, the one without words, you don’t have to sit with it alone.🎙️ Explore more on Dating on High Alert 💬 Send a voice note via Dear Ilja for grounded, real support 📖 Or start with the free guide: You’re Not Too Much — You Were Never Met Fully → iljaabbattista.co.ukSupport the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailIf you’ve ever been told you’re too sensitive, too alert, or overreacting… this episode is going to land.In Part Two of the masking series, Ilja Abbattista goes deeper into what’s actually powering the mask, hyper-vigilance.Not the clinical definition. Not the pathologised version. But what it really feels like inside a body that has lived through trauma, while also navigating ADHD and autism.This episode explores: What hypervigilance actually feels like in real time (physically, emotionally, neurologically)  The difference between paranoia vs pattern recognition, and why that distinction matters  How AuDHD and complex trauma overlap, creating a nervous system that never fully switches off  Why hypervigilance is not just a symptom, but a trained survival intelligence The hidden connection between masking and hypervigilance (and why you can’t separate them)  The real cost of living in constant alert, exhaustion, shutdown, and mistrust of safety  Why “just unmask” advice can feel impossible, and what actually helps instead Ilja also shares a powerful real-life moment where hypervigilance became a life-saving skill, and challenges the idea that healing means becoming less aware.This is not about removing the mask. It’s about understanding the system behind it, and learning how to live with it differently.If you’re AuDHD, living with trauma, or constantly scanning your environment without knowing why… this episode will give you language for what your body has been doing all along.⚠️ Content note: This episode references childhood trauma, sexual abuse, and trafficking. Please listen with care.If this episode hit something deeper, not just intellectually, but in your body, you don’t have to sit with that alone.I offer real, trauma-informed support for women navigating ADHD, autism, trauma, and the complexity of all three combined. Here are a few ways we can work together:💬 Dear Ilja (Voice Note Support) For when you're spiralling, overthinking, or need grounded support in the moment, not next week. You message me. I respond with calm, honest voice notes that meet you where you are.🌿 1:1 Coaching & Mentoring Deeper, consistent support to help you understand your patterns, regulate your nervous system, and rebuild your identity, without shame or performance.Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan Mail💬 Need support with this right now? If this episode brought something up for you, you don’t have to sit with it alone.Dear Ilja is real-time voice note support, for when you’re spiralling, overthinking, or just need someone who actually gets it.No pressure. No long-term commitment. Just grounded, honest support, when you need it most.👉 Start here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/work-with-me/#voicenoteWe’ve been told that masking is the problem.That it’s exhausting, inauthentic, and something we need to unlearn.But what if that’s not the full story?In this episode of Dating on High Alert, we explore a different perspective, one that honours masking as a survival strategy, especially for those navigating ADHD, autism, and trauma.This is a deeper, more honest conversation about: What masking actually is (beyond the internet narrative)  Why it may not be the thing exhausting you  The role of shame, trauma, and survival  Why “just unmask” can feel unsafe  And what healing actually looks like instead Your mask is not your enemy. It might be one of the most sophisticated things about you.🧠 This episode hit something deeper? That’s exactly the kind of moment Dear Ilja is for.You don’t have to figure it out alone. You don’t have to wait until things get worse.👉 Get support here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/work-with-me/#voicenoteSupport the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailWhat if being “too sensitive” isn’t a flaw… but a nervous system that learned to pay attention?In this episode, Ilja explores what it means to feel everything deeply, the overwhelm, the misunderstanding, and the strength that can come from emotional depth.For many neurodivergent and trauma-experienced people, empathy isn’t just understanding someone’s pain. It’s feeling it in your body.That intensity can be exhausting. It can make others uncomfortable. And it can leave you questioning whether something is wrong with you.But what if the opposite is true?In this conversation, Ilja reflects on:• why some people absorb emotional environments so strongly • the difference between emotional intensity and instability • why releasing emotion can actually be a form of regulation • how sensitivity can become a powerful form of leadership and advocacy • the importance of boundaries when holding other people’s painThrough personal reflection and lived experience, this episode challenges the idea that strength means emotional detachment.Sometimes the people who feel the most… are the ones capable of holding the most.If you’ve ever been told you’re “too sensitive,” this episode may help you understand your depth in a different way.Listen if you’re navigating:Late diagnosis (ADHD, autism, trauma)Emotional intensity and empathyNervous system sensitivityShame around being “too much”If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who has been told they’re too sensitive.They might just be deeply wired.And as usual…Until next spiral.Free GuideYou’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.Download it here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailWhy does something small feel so devastating?A delayed reply. That shift in tone.  A cancelled plan.And suddenly your whole body reacts.In this episode of Dating on High Alert, I’m talking about rejection sensitivity, not as a buzzword, but as a lived nervous system experience.Because for many AuDHD women, especially those with trauma histories, rejection doesn’t land lightly.It can feel:• Crippling • Physical • Disproportionate (even when you know it “shouldn’t” be) • Deeply shame-inducing • Incredibly lonelyWe explore:- What rejection sensitivity actually feels like in the body- Why ADHD intensity makes emotional shifts hit fast- How autistic pattern recognition amplifies subtle changes- Why trauma layers abandonment fear onto small moments- The shame of being labelled “too sensitive”- The loneliness of feeling more than others- The double standard of waiting for replies while sometimes not replying yourself- Why 1am spirals feel so convincing- How to survive the spike without acting from itThis isn’t about becoming less sensitive.It’s about understanding your wiring so you stop attacking yourself for it.You may not be able to change how deeply you feel.But you can change how you respond when the wave hits.If you’ve ever lain awake replaying a message…If you’ve ever felt flattened by something that looked small…If you’ve ever wondered why rejection feels existential…You are not the only one.And you are not broken.And as always until next spiral.Free GuideYou’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.Download it here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailThere was a relationship in my life that felt electric.Not chaotic. Not obviously toxic. But ambiguous.And that ambiguity felt like chemistry.In this episode of Dating on High Alert, I’m unpacking something we don’t talk about enough:How uncertainty creates dopamine. How dopamine intensifies attachment.  And why trauma-shaped nervous systems can mistake activation for connection.If you’ve ever:* Felt hooked by mixed signals* Over-analysed texts* Confused anxiety with attraction* Thought you just “had bad taste”This episode will land.We explore:- Why ambiguity is not neutral- How hyper-vigilance shows up in dating- The dopamine loop in inconsistent dynamics- Why steady relationships can feel underwhelming at first- The withdrawal that happens when ambiguity ends- How to begin separating activation from compatibilityThis isn’t about blaming partners.It’s about understanding your nervous system.Because when you understand the pattern, you regain choice.You’re not drawn to chaos, but you’re drawn to familiarity.And familiarity can feel magnetic - even when it’s destabilising.If you’re an AuDHD woman, living with cPTSD, or rebuilding your relationship patterns after trauma, this conversation is especially for you.You don’t have to keep dating on high alert.You’re allowed to learn a new rhythm.Until next spiral.Free GuideYou’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.Download it here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailIn this episode, I’m talking about impulsive spending, but not in the way it’s usually framed.This isn’t about budgeting tips or learning to “just say no.”It’s about the nervous system.The hyper-focus. The urgency.  The moment your brain becomes completely convinced that something is necessary, not optional.And what happens afterwards.The shame. The self-talk.  The internal punishment that often hurts more than the purchase itself.If you’ve ever felt like:You know what’s happening but can’t stop yourselfThe urge feels bigger than logicThe aftermath is harsher than the actionThis episode is for you.No fixing. No discipline plans.  Just naming what many people experience quietly.If this conversation brings up questions for you, you’re welcome to write to Dear Ilja, anonymously if you prefer. I read every message and respond on the podcast.Take care of yourself after listening.And as always - until next spiral.Free GuideYou’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.Download it here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailWhy do some of us only seem able to start when the pressure is unbearable?In this episode, I’m talking honestly about last-minute living, not as a productivity problem, but as a nervous system response.If you’re ADHD, autistic, AuDHD, or living with trauma, deadlines don’t always motivate you. They can trigger freeze, avoidance, shutdown… followed by a last-minute surge of adrenaline that somehow gets the job done, at a cost.This isn’t laziness. It’s adaptation.In this episode, I explore:Why deadlines often trigger freeze for trauma-wired brainsHow ADHD, autism, and CPTSD interact with time and pressureWhy “just start earlier” is unhelpful (and often harmful) adviceThe shame cycle around last-minute action, and how to soften itHow urgency becomes a survival strategy, not a choiceThis is not an episode about fixing yourself, optimising your time, or becoming more disciplined.It’s about understanding why your brain works the way it does, and building compassion, and choice, where there used to be self-attack.If you’ve ever thought, “Why am I like this?” You’re not alone.💬 Join the conversationIf this episode resonated, liking or commenting really helps, not for vanity, but because it tells the algorithm this conversation matters.And if there’s something you’re quietly struggling with, or a topic you wish someone would talk about, tell me in the comments. A lot of this podcast exists because someone once asked, “Is it just me?”Thank you for listening. Thank you for being here.  And for staying curious instead of cruel with yourself.Until next spiral.Free GuideYou’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.Download it here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailIn this episode of Dating on High Alert, Ilja explores masking through a trauma-informed lens, especially for people with ADHD, autism, and complex trauma.Rather than treating masking as something to “fix” or remove, this conversation reframes it as an intelligent survival response, often learned very early in life, before choice or language existed.Ilja speaks to why advice like “just unmask” can feel unsafe in the body, and why unmasking without safety, consent, and capacity can be destabilising rather than healing.This episode also explores a deeper question: What if it’s not masking that exhausts us, but the shame, self-criticism, and constant self-monitoring layered on top of it?You’ll hear about:Why masking develops in early, unsafe, or demanding environmentsHow trauma changes the conversation around unmaskingThe difference between automatic masking and choiceWhy self-criticism is often learned through being analysed by others firstHow healing can mean expanding options, not removing protectionThis is not an episode about performing authenticity. It’s about safety, nervous systems, and learning to choose with care.If this conversation brings up questions you’d like to explore more gently, you’re welcome to write to Dear Ilja - anonymously, always. https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/work-with-me/#voicenoteUnmasking isn’t a rule. It’s an option.Free GuideYou’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.Download it here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailShutdown doesn’t look dramatic. It looks quiet.It looks like going flat. Pulling back. Not having the energy to explain. Losing your appetite. Staying in bed because your body won’t move, even when your mind wants to.In this episode, I talk about the part of the nervous system that doesn’t fight or scan, it freezes, withdraws, and conserves. Not because you don’t care… but because you’ve cared too much for too long.We explore:what shutdown feels like in the bodywhy it can feel like paralysishow it shows up in everyday lifewhy others often misread it as indifferenceand why shutdown is protection, not failureThis episode is for anyone who has ever gone quiet not because they didn’t care, but because their nervous system needed stillness to survive.This isn’t about fixing yourself. It’s about understanding what your body has learned to do, and meeting it with compassion instead of shame.If this episode stirred something for you, take your time afterwards. Move slowly. Eat when your body is ready. Speak when your voice feels safe again.And if you’d like a softer place to land, Dear Ilja and voice-note support are always there, not to fix you, just to meet you where you are.Free GuideYou’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.Download it here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailFor a lot of neurodivergent people, especially those living with ADHD, autism and trauma, ambiguity doesn’t land as “nothing is happening yet.” It lands in the body. As activation. As tension. As a quiet fear that something might change… and you may not be ready for it.In this episode of Dating on High Alert, I explore why unclear signals, emotional distance, inconsistency, or “not knowing where you stand” can feel so intense when your nervous system has been shaped by survival.This isn’t about being needy, dramatic, or over-sensitive. It’s wiring. It’s pattern-recognition. It’s protection.We talk about:how a trauma-shaped nervous system reads uncertaintywhy “waiting” doesn’t always feel neutralthe link between attachment, safety, and emotional ambiguityhow to notice what’s happening in your body, without shaming yourself for itways to ground yourself when your system goes into alert modeIf you’ve ever felt like you react “too deeply” to mixed signals or emotional gaps, this episode is here to help you feel understood, not broken.🧠 You’re not overreacting. Your system just learned to protect you. 🎧 Listen in, and let’s make sense of it together.Free GuideYou’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.Download it here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailFor many of us with trauma and neurodivergence, telling the difference between intuition and hyper-vigilance isn’t simple. The body reacts before the mind can make sense of what’s happening, and what looks like “overthinking” from the outside often began as protection, not anxiety.In this episode, I explore how intuition feels in a regulated body, how hyper-vigilance shows up through the body and in our body language, and why the line between the two can become blurred, especially in relationships, dating, and moments of emotional closeness.We talk about what happens when the nervous system moves first, how past experiences shape present reactions, and why none of this makes you dramatic, broken, or “too much”. Instead, we approach it with compassion, awareness, and nervous-system honesty.This episode is not about fixing or correcting your reactions, it’s about understanding them.If this conversation resonates and you’d like a gentler place to land, Dear Ilja and voice-note support are always there, no pressure, just options when they feel right.Free GuideYou’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.Download it here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailThis episode marks a quiet but important moment in Dating on High Alert.After sixteen episodes exploring dating, attachment, intensity, and patterns, I’m naming the lens that’s always been there, trauma.In this episode, I share why I was born neurodivergent but didn’t recognise ADHD and autism until later in life, how trauma shaped my nervous system long before I had language for it, and why masking wasn’t a flaw, it was survival.Dating was never the real topic. It was simply where a trauma-shaped, neurodivergent nervous system showed up the loudest.We talk about:being born neurodivergent and recognising it laterhow early trauma shapes hypervigilance and intensitywhy masking can be protective, not pathologicalwhy dating activates old survival patternsthe difference between chemistry and safetyand what changes, and what doesn’t, moving forwardThis episode isn’t a rebrand or a dramatic reveal. It’s about precision, context, and compassion.I won’t be retelling trauma for shock value, and there’s no pressure to take anything in all at once. This is a grounded conversation for anyone whose nervous system learned to survive before it learned how to rest.If this episode stirs something and you want a softer place to land, Dear Ilja exists for that reason, a space to go slower, without fixing or analysis. There’s no pressure to reach out. Just know the door is open.Take this episode at your own pace.Free GuideYou’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.Download it here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailThere’s a stage of dating that doesn’t get talked about enough.You’re not single.  You’re not secure.    And you don’t quite know where you stand.For many of us, especially neurodivergent, trauma-aware women, that uncertainty isn’t just emotional. It’s physical. We feel it in our bodies, and until we have some sense of orientation, our nervous system stays unsettled.In this episode, I explore:why ambiguity in dating can feel so dis-regulatingwhy the need for clarity is about regulation, not needinesshow this often gets misread as pressure or pushingand why many of us subconsciously turn to comfort food as a way to self-soothe when clarity is missing, especially post-menopauseThis isn’t about stopping coping behaviours or fixing yourself. It’s about understanding what your body is doing, and meeting it with compassion instead of shame.If you’ve ever found yourself analysing messages, replaying conversations, craving clarity, or soothing the discomfort with food while waiting to see where you stand,  this episode is for you.💛 Support beyond the episodeIf this has stirred something for you and you don’t want to hold it alone:🎧 Voice Note Support Send me a message and receive a grounded, thoughtful voice note in return, helping you orient yourself and settle your nervous system.💌 Dear Ilja Write in (anonymously if you wish) and receive an honest, compassionate response rooted in clarity, not judgement.https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/work-with-me/#voicenoteUntil next spiral.Free GuideYou’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.Download it here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailWhy does one plan hijack your whole day?Why can’t you start anything else?Why does a cancellation send you straight into freeze?In this episode, I break down the AuDHD nervous-system pattern of anticipation, mobilisation, and shutdown, through my own lived experience. We talk about:• why your body prepares hours before your mind • why waiting feels like pressure or pain • why time becomes distorted • why you can’t “just pivot” • and why freeze is a physiological response, not a flawThis one goes deep into sensitivity, grief, emotional wiring, and the way our bodies remember old safety patterns.If it hits home, you can reach out through Dear Ilja or download the free AuDHD Survival Guide in the show notes.Until next spiral. 💛Free GuideYou’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.Download it here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailThis episode isn’t about a person.It’s about the feeling your nervous system learned to depend on, and how that same pattern shows up at the beginning of relationships, at the end of relationships, and in the way we hyper-focus on passions, projects and ideas.Inside this episode, we explore:why early connection can feel like oxygenwhy endings feel like withdrawal, even when you chose to leavewhy your body doesn’t “get the memo” when your mind has moved onhow hyper-focus can shift from people to purposewhy time blindness can feel like emotional absence in relationshipswhy fixation on a person feels so different from immersion in a passionand what this pattern is actually about beneath the surfaceThis is a conversation about dopamine, regulation, attachment, grief, intensity, shame, drive, and the deep misunderstanding many AuDHD women carry about their own wiring.It’s not about being “too much.” It’s about a nervous system that learned to survive through intensity before it ever learned how to feel safe in stillness.If you’ve ever:fallen hard at the beginningstruggled to regulate at the endor disappeared into an idea while a relationship waited quietly in the background…This episode will meet you with clarity, not judgment.No shame. No fixing. Just truth.💛 DEAR ILJA + FREE AuDHD SURVIVAL GUIDEIf this episode stirred something in you and you’d like a safe, private space to talk it through:Dear Ilja is open.You can send me a voice note about anything that came up for you, dating, attachment, spirals, hyper-focus, heartbreak, shame, confusion, desire, grief… all of it.No judgment.No pressure.No performing.Just human support from someone who understands the wiring from the inside.The link to Dear Ilja is here.You can also download my free AuDHD Survival Guide, gentle, practical support for real life, not perfect routines. That link is in the description too.You don’t need to rush.You don’t need to fix yourself.You don’t need to carry this alone anymore.Until next spiral. 💛Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailThis is the episode women whisper about but never get to hear.Today, we’re talking openly about impulsive behaviour in neurodivergent women, the fast yeses, the risky sex, the quiet “no” we can’t say, the adrenaline-soaked moments, the times we travelled too soon, trusted too quickly, or ended up in situations we never planned but somehow found ourselves in.We go into: • sexual impulsivity • sex in risky places • sex clubs • alcohol and dopamine • survival yeses • people-pleasing as danger • ADHD impulsivity • trauma responses • risky intimacy • why ND women get targeted • what changes when you finally meet someone safeIt’s raw, gentle, fiery, honest, and deeply validating.🔗 PRIVATE VOICE NOTE SUPPORT If you need a safe space to talk about dating, sex, impulsive choices, attachment, or anything this episode stirred up, my one-to-one voice note support is open. No judgment. No shame. Just clarity, compassion, and support in the exact moments you need it.https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/work-with-me/#voicenoteFree GuideYou’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.Download it here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailIf you live with ADHD, autism, trauma, or the full neurospicy trio, peace isn’t always peaceful at first. Sometimes it feels suspicious or it feels empty. Sometimes it may even feel like something must be wrong, because nothing is wrong.In this episode, I’m talking about the strange, uncomfortable, beautiful journey of learning to trust peace when your nervous system only trusts intensity.We dive into:• why “calm” can feel unsafe • how ADHD, autism & trauma all disrupt your relationship with stillness • the awkward stage of healing when nothing’s wrong but everything feels weird • pattern recognition spirals (aka over-analysing EVERYTHING) • how to stop mistaking quiet for disconnection • how to slowly, gently, teach your body that safety is real • and the moment you finally realise you’re not bracing anymoreThis episode is honest, vulnerable, a little bit funny, and full of aha-moments if you’ve ever felt “too much,” “too alert,” or “too sensitive” in dating, love, or life.And if peace still feels foreign to you, you’re not behind. You’re just learning a new emotional language.✨ Want to send in a question for ‘Dear Ilja’? Email me at: [email protected]✨ Want gentle, real-time support? Try my private Voice Note Support: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/work-with-me/#voicenote✨ Get your free Survival Guide for ADHD & Autistic Women: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/survival-guide-for-adhd-autistic-women/Thank you for being here. Thank you for healing in ways no one sees. And thank you for choosing the call - even when your storm feels easier.Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailEver catch yourself replaying a text, analysing a look, or scanning for shifts in someone’s tone, and suddenly, you’re spiralling? This one’s for you.In this episode, we dive deep into why so many of us with ADHD, autism, and trauma overthink, over give, and over feel in relationships, and how those patterns are rooted in survival, not weakness.I talk about the pull to notice every tiny change, how pattern recognition can turn from a gift into a trigger, and what it really means to stay with yourself when your brain is screaming “danger” over something small.You’ll hear how I’ve navigated these moments in real life, including what happens when your nervous system wants reassurance, but your power comes from self-regulation instead.This episode isn’t about “fixing” your sensitivity, it’s about turning it into awareness. Because when you stop over explaining, over-adapting, and over-anxious loving… you finally start choosing peace instead of chaos.💬 Topics include:Why overthinking feels safer than peaceHow ADHD, autism & trauma create emotional hyper-awarenessThe link between pattern recognition and spirallingLearning to pause between noticing and reactingHow to trust your gut, not every thoughtTurning overgiving into grounded empathyIf you’ve ever felt “too much,” “too intense,” or “too aware,” this episode will help you realise, you were never too much. You were just tuned in.🎧 Listen now, and join me for the next episode, “Peace After Chaos.”Free GuideYou’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.Download it here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailThere’s a moment after chaos when everything goes quiet, and you realise you’re different. The rush, the spark, the drama that used to feel like connection doesn’t hit the same. You start to wonder if calm can really be love.In this episode, Ilja dives deep into rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD), the intense emotional pain that comes when we perceive rejection or disconnection. Drawing from her lived experience with ADHD, autism, and complex trauma, she explores what happens when the brain’s alarm system is always on high alert… and how it turns small moments of uncertainty into heartbreak.You’ll hear stories of love, loss, friendship, and healing: 💔 The ache of asking for clarity from someone who isn’t ready to give it, and learning to soothe the panic instead of chasing reassurance. 💌 The heartbreak of losing a lifelong friend with no explanation, and how closure can sometimes come from writing your own ending. 🧠 The constant conversation between ADHD, autism, and trauma, one part seeking dopamine, another craving order, another just wanting safety.This episode is for anyone who’s ever felt too much, loved too deeply, or carried pain that felt louder than reason. It’s about learning to pause before reacting. To notice the wave without drowning in it. To stop mistaking tension for chemistry, and pain for proof.Because when you’ve lived a life wired for survival, peace can feel like danger.But real love, the kind that lasts, is the warmth that stays, not the fire that burns.🌀 If you’re walking this path too, this one’s for you. Until next spiral, stay honest, stay gentle, and keep listening for the quiet kind of love that doesn’t demand proof.Free GuideYou’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.Download it here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailWhen you’ve only ever known love that burns, calm can feel like danger.But safety - real, grounded, slow safety - is where desire begins to grow again.There was a time I thought I knew what intimacy felt like - the pull, the craving, the chaos.But I didn’t. I only knew how to perform love, chase it, or earn it.In this episode, I’m talking about what happens after the chaos ends, when you stop spiralling for love and start slowly, clumsily, beautifully learning how to receive it.We’ll explore how ADHD, autism, and trauma shape desire, why calm can feel confusing, and how to rebuild intimacy that’s real, embodied, and safe. It’s about learning to let love in, without losing yourself.💋 “Because when you’ve only known survival, softness can feel unsafe. But real love? Real love feels slow… and safe enough to stay.”Free GuideYou’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.Download it here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailYou know that kind of relationship that feels like a rollercoaster? The butterflies, the intensity, the late-night spirals, we call it “chemistry,” but what if it’s actually chaos?In this episode, Ilja Abbattista unpacks why we keep falling for the wrong people, especially if you’re living with ADHD, trauma, or both. From trauma bonds and emotional addiction to the ADHD dopamine trap, this episode explores why calm can feel boring, why emotionally unavailable people feel addictive, and how to finally rewire what you crave in love.It’s raw. It’s real. It might sting a little. But it just might change the way you date forever.🔍 We talk about:The difference between trauma bonding and real connectionWhy your ADHD brain craves chaosHow 'avoidants' become dopamine hitsThe science behind your “type”And how to start healing from the inside out🎧 Plus, Ilja shares personal truths about what safe love really feels like, and how it’s nothing like the love she used to chase.If you’ve ever confused intensity with intimacy, or felt addicted to the wrong person, this episode is for you.🔮 Teaser for Episode 9: We’re talking about what happens after the chaos, rebuilding intimacy, trust, and desire when your whole love map has changed.🎙️ Until next spiral… This is Dating on High Alert.Free GuideYou’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.Download it here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailSex is supposed to feel good, safe, connected, playful… right? But what happens when ADHD and trauma are in the room too?In this episode, I get raw and real about how distraction, impulsivity, hyper-focus, and body memories shape our experience of intimacy, and how healing isn’t always linear, even when we’ve come a long way.💥 I share personal truths, including a recent trigger that caught me off guard 🌀 We explore why you might crave sex and shut down at the same time 😂 And we lighten the load with some hilarious community confessions (green beans, anyone?) about what it’s really like to have sex with ADHDWhether you're healing from trauma, navigating neurodivergence, or just want to feel less alone in the chaos of intimacy, this one’s for you.Free GuideYou’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.Download it here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailEver fallen in love in a week? Named your future kids on date three? Felt like you were spiraling before they even texted back? Same. This episode dives into why those of us with ADHD and trauma tend to fall fast, and fall hard.We explore the brain science behind intense attachment, how trauma responses play a role, and what it means to date while constantly questioning your worth. Ilja shares deeply personal stories of past heartbreaks, boundary violations, emotional crashes, and the healing that followed.We’re unpacking:The ADHD-brain's craving for dopamineWhy CPTSD makes us ignore red flagsReal-life stories of dating disasters and breakthroughsHow to ground yourself when you feel like you're spinningAnd the moment Ilja finally felt safe in love (spoiler: it's not what you think)💬 Plus, a teaser for next week's spicy episode on Sex, ADHD, and Distractions—the good, the awkward, and the downright hilarious.👀 Read the full blog version: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/blog 📩 Got thoughts? Want to share your story? Email Ilja at [email protected] 💥 Follow on Instagram: @iljaabbattista🎧 Subscribe now and never miss an episode!Free GuideYou’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.Download it here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailIn this episode of Dating on High Alert, host Ilja Abbattista dives deep into a topic that’s essential for anyone navigating love, trauma, and the journey back to themselves: Boundaries.Boundaries aren’t just about saying no or keeping people out, they’re about creating space for safety, intimacy, and self-respect. Ilja shares how trauma, ADHD, and rejection sensitivity can make setting boundaries feel almost impossible, and she offers real-world strategies and stories to help you find your own voice.You’ll learn: 🌿 What different types of boundaries look like in dating and life 🌿 How to spot the signs when your boundaries are being tested 🌿 Why boundaries are an act of self-love- not rejection 🌿 How to create healthy, nourishing relationships where you can be fully yourselfFrom personal experiences to empowering insights, this episode is an invitation to remember: You’re allowed to take up space, to ask for what you need, and to be met with respect.Tune in, and let’s reclaim the kind of love and connection that’s real, safe, and beautifully yours.Free GuideYou’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.Download it here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailOvergiving Isn’t Love — It’s Self-Abandonment in DisguiseThis episode explores how trauma can make us overgive in relationships, and how to stop. Ilja shares honest stories of self-abandonment, intimacy, and learning to receive love without losing yourself. Plus, how to steady your mind, hold boundaries, and recognise your worth beyond how much you do. 👉 Visit iljaabbattista.co.uk to read the full blog, join Truth Notes, or message Ilja directly. Until next spiral.Free GuideYou’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.Download it here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailAre you spiralling over a text? Rethinking your last date? Replaying conversations in your head? In this episode, I share raw truths and real stories about overthinking, self-sabotage, and how we can learn to wait, breathe, and respond with clarity - not anxiety. This one’s for you if your brain feels like it’s stuck on “What did they mean by that?”Free GuideYou’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.Download it here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailEver spiralled after sending a message? You're not crazy - you're wired for survival. In episode 2 of Dating On High Alert, I unpack the chaotic truth about overthinking, rejection sensitivity and the brain drama no one warned us about.You'll laugh, you might cry, But you'll definitely be seen!Free GuideYou’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.Download it here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailIn this first episode, Ilja cracks open the myth of being “too much.” ADHD, trauma, emotional chaos - what if it was never about being wrong, but being unmet? A voice-note style truth-drop to start unmasking the way we love.Free GuideYou’re Not Too Much. You Were Just Never Met Fully.A short guide for anyone who has ever felt too sensitive, too intense, or too much in relationships.Download it here: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/youre-not-too-much-free-guide/Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x

Send us Fan MailMeet Ilja Abbattista and discover why dating with ADHD and trauma feels like emotional whiplash. This podcast is your truth-telling space to unravel it all.Support the show🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.Dating on High Alert explores relationships, life, neurodivergence, trauma, masking, nervous systems, and what it actually means to build safety in love after survival.For neurodivergent people, trauma survivors, partners, and couples trying to understand each other more deeply.🖤 Explore support, coaching, and resources:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/resources📩 Join the podcast mailing list:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or podcast topic:https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/podcast-dating-on-high-alert/#submitastory🎧 Support the podcast:https://www.buzzsprout.com/2463815/supporters/new📱 Instagram:@iljaabbattista📬 Contact:[email protected] next spiral,Ilja x