Emotional Physics

Oh, y'all.  This is our last episode until we don't know when, so that Tink can go have her baby and meet whatever new parts of herself arise in the process!  It has been so meaningful to Tink and Gilly to get to work together to make this podcast for you, and that so many of you listened time after time.  We realize now that we needed to make this podcast to clarify for ourselves and each other that tools really do exist to build a romantic love that is devoted and connected, yet won't cause anyone to become ill, or to transform into a husk of themselves over time.  In this episode we circle back to the main highlights of those tools,  celebrate the ways we ourselves have both grown a lot in our capacity for healthy love as a result of having these conversations, and get into it about how to have a transparent and healthy break whether in a romantic relationship or in a parasocial podcasting relationship.  We love you very much.Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

Today is the second to last episode of this iteration of the Emotional Physics podcast before we go on a hiatus to welcome Tink's baby!  Omgeeeee!Speaking of parenting and families, we answer a poignant listener question about how and if it is possible to go on to have securely attached adult relationships when our parents did not themselves have a healthy relationship.  How can we go forth not feeling doomed by our parents' mistakes?  Well, listeners, it turns out that secure attachment is a lot more than what we were shown by our parents.  We take into account how not only our parents but other important adults related directly to us regardless of how they treated each other, the impact of other healthy adults (Tink gets a little fixated on aunt and uncles for a minute there) on the types of love and attachment we grow up to expect and gravitate toward, as well as the power of adult relationships including and especially friendships to help move the needle of our attachment styles in the direction of health, regardless of what happened in our childhoods. Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

Hello listeners!  This is our second to last episode of the current season, before we go on baby hiatus!  Hiaby? Biatus?  Anyway.  We answer a listener question on how to handle it when kink preferences don't seem to match up in relationships.  Tink offers some very practical ideas related to cock rings and skillful and safer strangulation:https://blog.kinkly.com/what-is-erotic-asphyxiation/Gillian brings her more vanilla energy to the table to help us all remember to consider the unmet need, or maybe even the core wound driving a desire to heal and explore through kink, and how to sit with curiosity and creativity to solve those problems together.  Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

This week we share a MASSIVE LIFE UPDATE for the Emotional Physics family!  We also answer a listener question about tolerating alone-ness after a breakup long enough to feel its benefits, rather than leaping into whatever new connection is most accessible to us right after relationship loss.  We get extra shrinky today and bring in an old psychoanalytic text on what gives humans the "capacity to be alone" (cited below).  It turns out that humans are wired for connection and no one is so good at being fully, perceptually, symbolically, and internally and externally alone.  That would be dangerous for our nervous systems and loneliness is a helpful survival signal to move us into connection, as our dear friend James Ellis, The Loneliness Doctor, recently taught us (info below).  Instead, the capacity to be alone seems to come from the development of strong internal representations of and connections to our important people and ourselves, as well as the types of rich, non-romantic relationships that allow us to feel witnessed in our aloneness, and able to access support if we need it.The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment:Studies in the Theory of Emotional Development. D. W. Winnicott,F.R.C.P.p. 28The Capacity to be Alone(1958) https://www.york.ac.uk/media/english/documents/The%20Capacity%20to%20be%20Alone.pdfNeuronal Pruninghttps://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6865685/Loneliness Doctorhttps://www.instagram.com/reel/DPT6XFlES1s/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

In this week's episode, we answer a question on the "weak hinge" in polyamory relationships. We found ourselves passionately discussing a research study on interpersonal synchrony which drove us into the exploration of the "good boy syndrome" and all ways in which so many folks are deeply afraid of discomfort and hurting feelings. Not to spoil it all, but the conclusion is that if you are gonna be in any kind of relationship you are gonna need to learn how to disappoint and get uncomfortable.  Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contactFind us on instagram at: https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast/Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

Hi friends, today is just a quick note to announce that we are moving to an every other week release schedule, so that we can keep bringing you the high quality content you deserve while also keeping up with life as it careens about for us both.  We will see you next Thursday with a new episode!Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

In this week's episode, we answer a two-part listener question - for one, is sex always at the heart of things people are working through in couples therapy, and for two, if sex is so important why is there data that less of us are having it?  We found our way into a discussion on the level of fear surrounding sex in a person's upbringing having a surprising impact on the amount of sex they have, thrilling data that Gen X women are actually one of the only demographics having more and better sex these days (and why that might be!) as well as the impact of expectation, future orientation, and obligation on the amount and quality of sex in a person's life stage.Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

Well we found ourselves pretty fired up in this week's episode!  Here we respond to a listener question on the type of partner change it's appropriate or helpful to ask for.  We end up grappling pretty deeply with the conflict between the truth that romantic relationships are often the most profound cauldrons of change and growth in a human lifetime, and the equally visceral truth that TRYING to change a partner can very quickly tip into "uh-oh" territory of control and manipulation.  We do our best to own the lived experience we both have that has given us (and this podcast) a strong tendency to steer away from controlling dynamics whenever possible, and we learn quite a bit about ourselves, and different flavors of changing-in and changing-for a relationship in the process.Ross Greene Plan B protocol mentioned on the pod:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTG6kQot3f8Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

In today's episode, Gillian and Rebekah respond to a listener question from someone feeling alarmed that they have been asked to go to couples therapy by a partner, worrying that this might be a punishment or a sign that the relationship is doomed, and wondering what to expect if they do choose to go.  We share on some of our experiences in the couples therapy room both as client and as therapist over the years, and hopefully make the whole experience feel less weird, doomsday, or scary.  On the other hand, we note the ways that couples therapy can be some of the most confronting (nowhere to hide when your partner is there with you ready to share their perspective on you with a therapist!) but also often most powerful and potent therapeutic work there is. We also share a bit about some of our favorite tools and tactics in the couples therapy space and offer encouragement to be a direct communicator with any couples therapist you may have, remembering that they are not the expert on your relationship - you are!Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

This week Gillian and Tink answer a listener question from someone looking for a way to end a relationship skillfully and kindly, especially after the vibe may have communicated long-term intent.  We engage in some healthy debate about starting breakup conversations over text, and whether we have a responsibility to inform the person we are planning to break up of our general intent before inviting them on a hang to discuss same.  We discuss the absolute pressure cooker of dating in the 30s for folks interested in carrying children, and turn to some vintage Flight of the Conchords for wisdom on right-sizing what we feel we owe to a romantic interest.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9iSlPoQm2XY  Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

This episode was originally released in March 2025, however Gillian basically just posted it wrong and it landed in people's feeds weird and as such it got missed by many.  We are off from recording for one more week as summer chaos winds up, but we wanted to re-release this so folks can have a chance to figure out how to repair once cheating has occurred!  If you haven't listened to Cheating Part 1 yet (from earlier in March 2025) you may want to start there.  Fun fact: Cheating Part 2 was also the first appearance of our "Listener Question" jingle, an editing wizardry surprise even for us from our awesome producer Amar Ibrahim!Rebekah and Gillian come back to finish the conversation on cheating, with the important element of how they have seen couples successfully repair after infidelity.  Personal responsibility and accountability, as well as distress tolerance seem to be the superpowers used by partners we have seen be successful in learning from, healing from, and growing together after betrayal.  We talk about needing to be perfect in front of a partner, and unprocessed shame in general, as both a risk factor for cheating in the first place, and a block to repairing afterward.  We also discuss some reasonably unhinged strategies for burning through shame in your day-to-day to make your relationship more betrayal-proof and to make repair more possible.  Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

Tink and Gilly are *back!* For now.  We actually will be away once more next week because summer is nuts but THIS WEEK we discuss codependent dynamics in relationships and what to do about them.  If codependency can be defined as needing the next person to be ok before we can be ok, where does it come from?  What might be we be afraid of that can make it so hard to tolerate any distance or discomfort in relationships?  On the way we discuss possums in the freezer and tarps in the gazebo, we review for the gazillionth time some of Gillian's accounts of teenagers having been mean to her in the 1990s, and we identify some killer ways to separate love from codependency. Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

In this week's episode, Tink and Gilly catch up on relationship experiences present and past.  Gilly shares her love for the relational freedom anthem of 2025, Lambrini Girls' song Cuntology 101, and an accidental listening party for two that she recently hosted on a dinner date.  We field a listener question on Micro-Breakups, or what we call the particular confusion and non-specific ache when relationships end a couple of months in, right when we might have started getting cozy and settling in.  We talk about how to grieve the hopes you had perhaps *just* started allowing yourself to have, how to stay cunty (discerning, accountable to yourself) even when you are trying to encourage a relationship in its early stages, and how to handle the intensity of a common desire to quickly find a replacement person on which to place budding swoony feelings post Micro-Breakup.Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

Today's episode addresses a listener question on how to consider what kink might have to offer them, particularly after a shame-based history around sex from a strict religious upbringing.  We bring in shrinky topics like staying within a "window of tolerance" (maybe a tiny bit edgy but very close to the sphere of what feels safe and familiar at first) when expanding after the constriction of a traumatic experience, while also defining some of the basics of what is often considered the realm of kink for those who might be interested but may not have much context.  We also talk about shame in general, and how kink can be a powerful way to interrogate shame-based narratives around sex that have been loaded on so many of us over the course of our upbringings.Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

In this week's episode, we catch each other and you the listeners up on our travels over the last few weeks, including an exploration of the high concentration of ex-partners cluttering the grocery stores of the great state of Vermont.  We also respond to a listener question about struggles to balance friendship and relationships, and skepticism or withdrawal from friends that can then occur when we get into a new relationship.  Tink and Gillian analyze why they themselves have in their youth past lost themselves in relationships and abandoned friendships, only to come crawling back without acknowledgement once in a breakup crisis and needing the support of friends again (not cool, baby Gilly and Tink).  Some ideas are provided as far as how to come back from this type of pattern once it is broken later in life and find ways to integrate friends and lovers in healthy ways.Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

We are both on vacation this week, so we took our cues from you, our listeners!  Before we got our producer and started recording for real, we spent about a year meeting each week, recording our conversations like wierdos, and honing in on what we wanted the podcast to be about.  One such conversation in the summer of 2024 generated some of the clips that have been most popular on our instagram account, and have caused y'all to ask us "Hey, where is the episode with this conversation in it??" Fair enough, friends, so we had our producer do his best with the amateur audio quality, and we hope you will enjoy our unsupervised ramblings on topics such as:A question from a friend regarding why (and if) non-monogamous dynamics are more common in queer versus hetero setupsWhere Rebekah and Gillian were both at a year ago in their understanding of themselves on the monogamy to nonmonogamy spectrumRebekah and Gillians’ individual and intersecting experiences of coming to understand their own queerness We hope you enjoy and we can't wait to be back at it next week!Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

This week Tink and Gillian answer a listener question on the pressure on tops (those who tend to lead, or "do" the action in sexual engagement while bottoms might tend to submit to, allow or receive the action) to perform sexually, and how to handle it in relationships when a top is simply too pooped.  Or depressed.  Or understandably overwhelmed.  By the terrifying times.  We are all living in.  But especially those of us who don't fit the cookie-cutter societal expectation. In this episode we cover: ADHD-specific clothing destruction tactics, fighting the helplessness and dissociation that unhealthy power structures in our society would otherwise use to control us, having compassion and communication for and with ourselves and our partners when unmet safety needs in this scary world are overriding the parts of our brain that would otherwise govern leisure, connection and sex, and radical community care and interdependence as a path back to claiming desire and pleasure as part of our human experience.  NBD.Resources:5 Calls Apphttps://5calls.org/Info on protesting safelyhttps://phr.org/our-work/resources/preparing-for-protecting-against-and-treating-tear-gas-and-other-chemical-irritant-exposure-a-protesters-guide/?ms=FY25_Evergreen_SearchAd_GoogleGrant&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=Google&utm_term=Grant&utm_campaign=FY25_Grant&CID=701f40000018pCMAAY&ms=FY20_SEM_GoogleGrant&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=2076860150&gbraid=0AAAAADg6PAyEpBgoTXui277i1J__1NIjC&gclid=CjwKCAjwsZPDBhBWEiwADuO6y8LG9Twen7s_8igEAZrjx1awZy-wjXHxsMe60ArP3u89ghqgAT1aehoCQ2EQAvD_BwEMelancholic depression as "anger turned inward"https://neurolaunch.com/depression-is-anger-turned-inward/Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

This week Gillian and Tink answer a listener question about how to navigate disclosing things like mental health diagnoses, trauma histories, health information, or anything else that we might feel shame about or might give a partner pause.  We discuss considerations of whose business is what based on potential impact at different stages of dating, as well as how to think about sharing what we know about the "care and feeding" of ourselves and our nervous systems, as early as we feel we might really like someone, not out of owing or altruism but actually out of a selfish desire to weed out partners who might not be as cool, knowledgeable and compassionate about or lived experience as we ultimately deserve.Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

Today's show answers a listener question specific to how monogamous coupled-up folks can best prepare for, talk about and have fun with threesomes!  We discuss how common this fantasy is, and how important it is to actually start at the level of fantasy when bringing new ideas into the sexual repertoire, including some fun role-play to try before a real third person ever enters the mix.  We also discuss how to set healthful and ethical expectations going into a threesome, as well as how to avoid being a dreaded "unicorn hunter" or a coupled-up duo forgetting about the three dimensional humanity of whatever hottie you are inviting in to play with you and your main squeeze.  We also talk about how to process and debrief after a threesome, for maximum happiness, safety and personal growth.Tink in particular was full of helpful information today and these were the resources discussed:1. The Jealousy workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships by Kathy Labriolahttps://bookshop.org/p/books/the-jealousy-workbook-exercises-and-insights-for-managing-open-relationships-kathy-labriola/10876982?ean=9780937609637&utm_source=google&utm_medium=pmax&utm_campaign=gift_cards&utm_content=6443417794&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=16235479093&gbraid=0AAAAACfld41q1efegyTL4pBV4g2U6xsUZ&gclid=CjwKCAjwx8nCBhAwEiwA_z__018LQcrfM4JdAJyy-oBfpNYjRoLcHDx9RwT1JGhozy0nnMQdJOT1fBoCJhEQAvD_BwE2. Polysecure by Jessica Fernhttps://bookshop.org/p/books/polysecure-attachment-trauma-and-consensual-nonmonogamy-jessica-fern/14490932?ean=9781944934989&next=t3. The anxious person's guide to non monogamy: Your guide to open relationships, polyamory and letting go by Lola Phoenix4. Uber lubehttps://uberlube.com/blogs/news/choosing-a-correct-lubricant?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22667438048&gbraid=0AAAAA-HHDPj3cpWDVceBt4Mdzo7_QZd5E&gclid=CjwKCAjwx8nCBhAwEiwA_z__051YvQ4Rdqcl1pPKcWiIrRMOhdL2XKyF00Pgv6FykMmNr9ETU1CDERoC1bkQAvD_BwE5. Ethical porn siteshttps://lustery.com/https://www.bellesa.co/6. Dipsea storieshttps://www.dipseastories.com/Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

In this episode Tink and Gillian dive into one of our favorite topics which wierdly enough is actually grief!  But before you fear that this episode will be a huge downer, take heart because this episode is actually about:1. Finding the wisdom, relief, stillness and "aha" quality of grief2. Courageously relinquishing the idea that you need to be healed before finding new love3. Developing a map of positive signs that you are ready to date while grieving4. Recognizing that grief is a shared human experience both bigger than but also more contained and workable than any individual painful story of loss we may personally hold or tell5. The day that Tink supported a death and a birth in the same 24 hour period!Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

In this episode, Tink and Gillian answer a question from a listener who is choosing a single life right now, but is wondering how to sit wisely with loneliness when it arises.  We discuss aloneness versus loneliness, and take a look at our cave person/survival brain's tendency to create the negative experience of loneliness by telling us that we must be alone due to having been rejected, punished, or otherwise left to be eaten by the wildebeests.  We discuss therapy tools from modalities like Internal Family Systems therapy and somatic therapy to both interrogate and find compassion for loneliness in order to regulate ourselves effectively in solitude.  As always, we share of our own trials and tribulations when trying to follow our own advice.Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

In this episode Tink schools Gillian, and our listening community, on how on earth she seems to have such an easy time meeting cute sweeties in real life.  Gillian identifies some things that have tended to hold her back in doing this, in particular middle-school lingering fears of rejection, or even of it being shameful to be a human in the world with eyes and ears who might potentially look at or jump into the conversation of someone else in a public space.  Together, we discuss some psychological ideas about confidence, authenticity, and balancing discernment with loving like you can't be hurt.Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

In this episode we address fighting, a big topic as far as both listener questions and our couples therapy practices.  We discuss ways that we actually are in favor of fighting at times, and note that a fight with a healthy repair can create even more strength in a relationship than never having had any rupture (rip in the fabric of harmony and getting along) at all.  As always we share some of our own stories to illustrate topics like:- How fights with partners are uniquely positioned to illuminate our blind spots and give us a chance to fast-track our development- Staying curious (what!?) about a partner's experience even and especially when they are upset at you- Ways to deal with a partner that goes right to "Ugh I guess I'm just a piece of s#$t" when receiving any negative feedback- Why you actually should sometimes go to bed angrySend your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

In this episode, we take a look at the theme of embarrassment in relationships, based on several listener questions on the topic including:1. How can I get my partner to stop being so embarrassing?2. Why is my partner so embarrassed by me?and3. Why do I find myself roasting or trying to embarrass my partner sometimes when I know this isn't cool behavior?As always Tink and Gillian share some tales of their own historical foibles and what they have learned from them. We also bring in some neurological and evolutionary psych info about how social belonging can feel like a life- or-death issue to the cave-person part of our brain, causing us to react poorly to exposure or perceived exposure.  We also talk about how to use embarrassment as information about our own or our partners' areas of vulnerability and insecurity rather than a measurement of anybody's actual worth, and how to communicate compassionately to help everybody feel more safe and free.Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

In this week's episode we discuss the universally human and hurts-so-good phenomenon of pining after someone who is already our friend.  We have gotten several different questions on this topic and WE GET IT being serial-friend-crushers ourselves.  We do our best to get to all of it in this episode including:1. Should I tell my friend I have a crush on them?  If so, how?  Is it bad not to tell them?2. Is there a way to tell if my friend is also crushing on me?3. Why do I keep getting crushes on my friends in the first place?4. Will I survive/will my friendship survive if the crush is not reciprocated?As always we include tales of our own foibles, and use a relationship anarchy approach to interrogate the idea that romantic love is any better or more valuable than platonic devotion.  Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

In this episode we answer a listener question from someone who finds themselves avoiding their romantic longings out of fear that love might, once again, wreck the many awesome things going on in their independent life. We talk about the neurobiology of how and why a big romantic spark can make humans feel both so disoriented and so vulnerable.  Gillian brings out the super shrinky psychoanalytic theory to identify how new relationship energy can even dissolve people into a regressed infantile state at times, causing us to misperceive any old hottie as some idealized partner/caregiver who is perfectly attuned and safe. We also talk about how to explore romantic love from a more wise-adult position of keeping both the thinking and feeling parts of ourselves online, going slowly, and using clear intentions and values around love to guide us rather than relying on the wattage of an incandescent, yet tricky, visceral connection to tell us where to sail.Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

In this episode Gillian and Tink answer a listener question about discussing within a partnership things about each others' family patterns that we don't want to repeat in our present-day dynamic.  Risky business, folks!  We considered:Why the childhood survival brain makes people so reactive to criticism of their parents How to "go first" acknowledging the challenges of your own family of origin before offering feedback on your partners' parentsTaking a balanced look together at the gifts and drawbacks of the dynamics of each partner's family and cross-referencing these against shared values and intentions for the futureWhy we have to have these conversations so we don't inadvertently repeat the very dynamics we might prefer to learn fromGillian mentioned this values exercise that she likes to offer folks:http://webmedia.jcu.edu/advising/files/2016/02/Core-Values-Exercise.pdfSend your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

Today Tink and Gillian answer a listener question about how to determine when a relationship needs to end?  How do we figure this out for ourselves?  And when would we how would we ever reflect to close friends if we have a sense that their relationship might need to end?  As always we start with some tangential tales, this time including parrots and dolphins, but we swing right around to foundational ideas like:1. The telltale signs of "Wrong Life Syndrome" 2. The personal factors as far as wellness, values, and what you want a given relationship to "do" for you to use to assess how truly aligned you are with your current relationship3. How to balance positive qualities like patience, understanding, and putting work into relationships with the ability to decisively move on when the time has come to do so, and how to talk about this among friendsSend your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

In today's episode Gillian and Rebekah respond to a listener question on navigating casual sex, situationships, and considering deeper commitment outside the standard box of the heteronormative expectation and timeline.  We discuss pontoon boats, the plural of moose, and the attachment styles of ghosts.  Even still, we arrive at some ideas for how you can deeply inquire of yourself what you truly want and need, taking into account your current capacity, desire, and sense of easefulness and expressiveness for and with those you are around.  We also discuss common pitfalls as far as an un-interrogated need to be chosen, an inability to accurately assess capacity to show up in a new and deeper way for a partner, and a fear of looking weak or losing power if we say we want more.  May we all go forth and communicate courageously and accountably!Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

Rebekah and Gillian explore a listener question on the relationship between lust and love, and the common predicament of dwindling lust in a long term relationship.  Discoveries include: Some evolutionary psych intel on the different instinctual drives of hunting versus nesting and how these might relate to different kinks as well as ebbs and flows in lustA relationship anarchy lens on combing out and giving equal weight to the platonic, romantic, and sexual elements of our closest bondsThe role having kids with someone can play in amping up the "family" brainwaves of relationships and confusing or muting the "lust" department of the brainTried-and-true sex therapy tricks to reframe a lack of sexual desire as a lack of sexual motivation, and to playfully foster such motivation to grow.Thanks for listening!  Rate, review, and leave us a question if you want to make our day!Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

Rebekah and Gillian come back to finish the conversation on cheating, with the important element of how they have seen couples successfully repair after infidelity.  Personal responsibility and accountability, as well as distress tolerance seem to be the superpowers used by partners we have seen be successful in learning from, healing from, and growing together after betrayal.  We talk about needing to be perfect in front of a partner, and unprocessed shame in general, as both a risk factor for cheating in the first place, and a block to repairing afterward.  We also discuss some reasonably unhinged strategies for burning through shame in your day-to-day to make your relationship more betrayal-proof and to make repair more possible.  Also peep the incredible surprise from producer Amar when we answer a listener question on whether to tell your partner you have cheated!Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

Rebekah and Gillian respond to a listener question about cheating by taking a look at:What kinds of “cheating” (really, betrayal) exist in relationships from the sexual to even the financial or informational!  We consider how relationship agreements can help to clarify what cheating really means for each partnership, and how can we normalize talking about these agreements early and often before painful confusion, accidental, or plausibly-deniable betrayal come into the picture.  We also talk about that darn amygdala/survival brain and how unmet needs can pair with unexamined fears leading us down the path of  sneaky or damaging behavior.  How can we gain the courage to be super honest with ourselves and with the other person(s), so that challenges can be worked out in the light of day rather than in the shadowy realm of betrayal?  We finish up with a clear list of topics to proactively set up the relationship agreements of your own unions to make your connections more "cheating-proof."Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

In today’s episode Rebekah and Gillian respond to a listener question about the dismay of finding that non-monogamous relationship structures can sometimes end up feeling just as confining and trapping as monogamous structures!  So disappointing! What’s a seeker of liberated love to do? Rebekah and Tink share some ideas, identifying how a sense of feeling trapped in relationship is likely less about number of partners, and more about the unexamined questions of “what is it that I feel I can’t do, in this relationship?  Where did I get that idea?  What would it take for me to check this idea out with my partner and work together to find more freedom?” We'll discuss how to take compassionate, actionable steps toward relational freedom whether you are a monogamous or non-monogamous babe.Here is the book Tink mentions during the episode:Love and Freedom: Transcending monogamy and polyamory by Jorge N. Ferrerhttps://rowman.com/ISBN/9781538156582/Love-and-Freedom-Transcending-Monogamy-and-PolyamorySend your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

Gillian gets into a vortex of shrinky theory (she does this a lot) and brings in Kohut's theory of Self Psychology, which defines some primary things that children need to get from their caregivers to develop well.  Today we focus on the first of these which is "mirroring," or a caregiver's ability to reflect back to a child that they are loved and special because GUESS WHAT, how this did or didn't happen for us will directly impact the ways that we will crave to be witnessed and seen by our romantic partners!  Gillian and Tink reflect on their own childhood histories and how these have impacted the validation they have tended to seek from romantic partners, and also draw from the themes they see all the time in couples work to provide ideas on how to understand the potential intensity of the need to be witnessed in romance, and how to temper and balance that with reasonable adult expectations.  Unsurprisingly, we also bring in themes of relationship anarchy and the importance of close friends as sources of mirroring as well.Resources: Article on Kohut's self-psychology:https://unpackingthesuitcaseblog.wordpress.com/2017/10/26/heinz-kohut-self-psychology/Dr. Becky:goodinside.com Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

In this episode, Gillian and Tink answer a listener's question about individuality in relationship, and how to maintain independence and connection to self while in a committed, monogamous relationship.  They dive deep into the theme of family systems and "individuation" or: how it worked or didn't work to be our own people in the company of the adults who raised us and how autonomy was or wasn't nurtured.  They answer questions like: "How do we avoid enmeshment?" "How do we stay present in our bodies and authentically grounded while in romantic attachments?" So often we lose connection to our own thoughts and impulses in relationship focusing instead on what we think our partner thinks or feels.  We can also be driven to spend all of our time with partners as the "dopamine dragon" cuts through the sky.  How do we release into the rush of dopamine and connection while also maintaining healthy spaciousness and attention to ourselves?Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

Patterns of codependency and manipulation can really sneak into romantic relationships despite the best intentions of all involved.  An "I Believe You" Party is one of our favorite tools to keep thinking clearly, to honor ourselves, to stay in our own business, let go of the pressure to convince the other person of anything including our own worth, and to treat partners with compassion even during conflict. We can throw this party for ourselves and/or a partner when we accept and offer acknowledgement that someone’s position is their position, even if we don’t like or agree with it.  Once we stop trying to tear down the validity and truth of anyone's experience, we free up a ton of energy to get to the root of what is really going on, and to find the courage to move forward be it on the same or separate paths.  Parteeeee!Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast

In this episode Rebekah Tinker and Gillian Boudreau introduce themselves, and this: The question-based podcast exploring all things romance, love and lust particularly within non-traditional containers and setups.  Rebekah and Gillian share some of their own personal journeys both as couples therapists and as at times whilrlwindy humans navigating relationships.  They also share some central themes of an approach to honest, responsive, liberated love that they hope will inspire you to reach out with questions! Send your questions to us at: https://ouremotionalphysics.com/contact Find us on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/emotionalphysicspodcast