Gotta Go (All Things Poop)

Why does coffee send so many of us running for the bathroom? Episode 14 of Mary Poopins comes to you thanks to our first paying sponsor member, who, in her infinite wisdom (or post-latte desperation), asked us to investigate this pressing question.We’re not saying every cup of coffee turns into a countdown clock for your intestines. Some people can sip espresso all day without a problem, while others barely get past the first sip before breaking into an Olympic sprint to the restroom. And if you’re one of those lucky few who claim coffee has zero effect—congratulations on your ironclad digestive system. We see you. We envy you.For the rest of us, coffee isn’t just about waking up—it’s about getting things moving. But why does this happen? What’s in coffee that turns our intestines into a high-speed conveyor belt? And why does it work so fast?The Coffee Shop ConundrumHow’d we get here? Let’s talk about the ultimate betrayal: a coffee shop without bathroom access. What are we supposed to do? Do we just hope for the best? The café industry thrives on coffee-fueled productivity, yet they expect customers to hold it in. Madness.In today’s episode, we break down the science, history, and inevitable results of your morning brew. We’ll hear from researchers and real caffeine drinkers.So grab your coffee, settle in, and prepare to learn why your favorite beverage just might be nature’s most effective laxative.---Are you revved up and feeling great? Keep the coffee energy going and support this work at buymeacoffee.com/marypoopins! Of course, if you have any medical or potty issues, please consult a licensed medical professional! 💩☕ This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit anthropoopologist.substack.com/subscribe

Last time, we explored the earliest forms of waste disposal, from prehistoric open-air bathroom breaks to ancient Rome's relatively advanced sewer systems. But after the fall of Rome, things took a turn for the worse. As indoor plumbing vanished and public sanitation collapsed, humanity entered the Dark Ages of going to the bathroom.Buckle up, friends, because Part 2 is all about chamber pots, medieval moats full of poop, Victorian cholera outbreaks, and the invention of the modern flush toilet. If you thought Roman communal sponges were bad, just wait until you hear about what came next. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit anthropoopologist.substack.com/subscribe

We use toilets daily, yet take for granted the fact that we can flush and walk away without a second thought instead of tossing the contents of a chamber pot out a window and hoping for the best. The road to modern plumbing was long, messy, and, at times, horrifyingly unsanitary.In this first episode, we’re covering the earliest attempts at waste management, from the caveman era (where “going” was as simple as finding a good bush) to the impressive sewer systems of ancient Rome, where bathroom breaks were more social events than private retreats. We’ll explore the accidental genius of early sanitation methods, the catastrophic failures of some of history’s worst bathroom designs, and the infamous communal sponge on a stick that the Romans thought was a good idea.But this is just the beginning. Because after Rome’s glorious indoor plumbing came crashing down with the empire's fall, things got significantly worse before they got better. In part two, we’ll dive into the absolute nightmare of medieval sanitation, the filth-ridden cities of the Renaissance, and how humans finally crawled their way out of the sewage-filled streets and into the comfort of indoor plumbing.So, sit back, get comfortable, and be grateful for whatever bathroom situation you have today—because, as you’re about to find out, history’s toilets were much worse. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit anthropoopologist.substack.com/subscribe

On April 19, 2022, the Brinnon Fire Department received an unforgettable call: a woman had fallen headfirst into a vault toilet at the top of Mount Walker. The 40-something hiker had dropped her phone into the dark abyss while using the facility. What followed was a desperate attempt to retrieve it—dismantling the toilet seat, fashioning a makeshift retrieval tool with her dog’s leash, and ultimately slipping into the 8-foot pit herself.With her phone miraculously still functional, she used it to call 911 after 15-20 harrowing minutes of trying to escape on her own. Responders from Brinnon Fire Department and Quilcene Fire Rescue rushed to the scene, finding the woman trapped but uninjured, her loyal dog likely bewildered by the entire ordeal. What unfolded next was a rescue mission unlike any other.Episode 11 of Mary Poopins dives headfirst—much like our unfortunate protagonist—into the literal pits of despair. Set against the majestic beauty of Mount Walker in Washington’s Olympic Peninsula, this episode takes a wild turn from serene hiking trails and breathtaking views to the dark, ominous depths of a vault toilet. It’s almost as if nature and the toilet took revenge on this woman.Stick around as we unravel the details of this odyssey, sprinkle in some potty humor, and remind you why no phone is worth the plunge. 💩 This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit anthropoopologist.substack.com/subscribe

Constipation, or fewer than three bowel movements a week, can become an all-consuming preoccupation, spiraling into stress, anxiety, and even obsession. Inspired by one of our fabulous and loyal readers, we’re here to explore the intricate mind-gut connection with equal parts science, humor, and heart. So, grab your fiber bar, take a deep breath, and prepare to laugh, learn, and maybe even feel a little lighter—emotionally. Let’s get things moving—literally and figuratively! This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit anthropoopologist.substack.com/subscribe

Welcome to Gotta Go with Mary Poopins, the podcast where we flush out the fascinating stories behind all things bathrooms. It’s especially exciting to see new subscribers—thank you, your support means the world! Today that means some world travel and a bit of cheeky humor. We’re headed to a toilet so stunning, it might just make your bucket list—or should we say, your porcelain throne list, where you can do the ultimate doo.We’re diving into Ureddplassen, Norway’s $2 million roadside restroom that’s redefining what it means to “go” on a road trip. With its wave-like architecture, marble amphitheater, and views of fjords so breathtaking, you might just forget why you stopped in the first place. Spoiler: It’s not just for the view.From skaters rating its steps 10/10 to travelers calling it the poo of a lifetime, we’ll unpack why this isn’t just a pit stop—it’s the crown jewel of public bathrooms. So grab your travel map, pack some hand soap just in case, and get ready to laugh as we explore how Norway turned a toilet into a tourist attraction. Let’s go! This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit anthropoopologist.substack.com/subscribe

Lil Jon, the undisputed King of Crunk, is taking his iconic beats from the dance floor to the doctor’s office, proving that no topic is too taboo for a party anthem. In a health revolution no one saw coming, he’s teamed up with Cologuard to remix his legendary track “Get Low” into an unforgettable colorectal cancer awareness campaign. With lyrics urging people to “Poop. Ship. Screen,” Lil Jon has turned a once-awkward conversation into a movement, combining humor, urgency, and his signature style to inspire people to prioritize their health.This isn't just about catchy lyrics—it's about saving lives. Colorectal cancer is a leading cause of cancer-related deaths in the U.S., but with early detection, it’s highly treatable. Leave it to Lil Jon to make screening not only accessible but downright entertaining. Featuring a singing gold-chain-wearing toilet (yes, you read that right), the campaign proves that even poop can have star power when it’s for a good cause.If you’ve ever wondered how to turn a health PSA into a viral sensation, Lil Jon just dropped the blueprint: start with a beat, add a little humor, and sprinkle in a whole lot of heart. Let’s get low—literally—for better health. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit anthropoopologist.substack.com/subscribe

Waffle stomping is an act so peculiar and taboo that it inspires equal parts laughter, revulsion, and curiosity.What began as a fringe term circulating on forums and meme pages has now stepped into the mainstream, becoming a symbol of humanity’s secret oddities and the internet’s capacity for turning even the most awkward habits into viral content. With its humorous name, unexpected environmental arguments, and the ever-present potential for plumbing disasters, waffle stomping raises questions about boundaries, hygiene, and the lengths people will go to avoid leaving the shower.This deep dive explores the phenomenon from all angles—its origins, motivations, risks, and pop culture legacy—peeling back the layers of this infamous act to understand why something so strange has captured public attention. Whether you’re here out of curiosity, horror, or reluctant recognition, one thing is sure: waffle stomping, for better or worse, is now part of the cultural lexicon. Let’s jump in. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit anthropoopologist.substack.com/subscribe

We’re hitting the front row of concert culture—where bathroom breaks are the ultimate buzzkill, and the Pit Diaper might just be the VIP. From Taylor Swift superfans to headbanging metalheads, we’re exploring how die-hard music lovers are changing the game—one absorbent garment at a time. So sit tight, stay hydrated, and maybe even rethink your next concert outfit. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit anthropoopologist.substack.com/subscribe

Today, we’re asking the kind of question you didn’t know you needed answered: How much poop can your body hold? Spoiler: it’s enough to make you rethink that scale reading and give your colon the standing ovation it deserves.Get ready to laugh, cringe, and learn as we explore just how much your gut is capable of holding, why your poop weighs what it does, and what happens when things overstay their welcome. So grab a seat, stay comfy, and let’s give your digestive system the credit it’s been silently working overtime for. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit anthropoopologist.substack.com/subscribe

Life is unpredictable, messy, and sometimes literally crappy—something everyone has experienced, whether they admit it or not. In this episode, we dive into the universal (yet often unspoken) moments of pants-pooping, from embarrassing junior high incidents to celebrities like Jason Kelce, Joe Jonas, and Al Roker hilariously owning their accidents. We explore navigating these moments with grace, humor, and a little preparation.We’ll also touch on fecal incontinence, sharing practical tips, personal stories, and expert advice to help anyone facing similar situations. If poop happens (and it will), you’re not alone—and we’re here to laugh, learn, and let it go together.Highlights:Celebrity Mishaps:Jason Kelce’s white pants disaster, Joe Jonas’s on-stage “oops,” Ed Sheeran’s shart shuffle, and Al Roker’s White House accident show us that even stars aren’t immune to life’s messiest moments.Personal Story:Mary Poopins shares a seventh-grade soccer field incident that became a mortifying (but survivable) life lesson, complete with sweaty panic, a church bathroom escape plan, and a bold underwear disposal strategy.Fecal Incontinence Insight:This article explains this common yet taboo condition and its causes, sharing tips on dietary adjustments, pelvic floor exercises, and knowing your body’s triggers.What to Do If It Happens to You:Tips for handling the aftermath, from staying calm to damage control and finding humor in the situation.Practical Takeaways:Prepare Your “Poop Kit”: Spare undies, wet wipes, and a plastic bag can be lifesavers.Dress Strategically: Avoid white pants when feeling adventurous with food choices.Normalize the Conversation: Accidents are human—embrace them with humor and grace.Call to Action:Have your own pants-pooping story? Share it with us—because together, we can laugh off the messiness of life. And don’t forget to subscribe for more stories and survival guides that remind us we’re all gloriously imperfect. 🌟Disclaimer:This is for laughs and relatability, not medical advice. If you’re facing ongoing issues, consult a healthcare professional. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit anthropoopologist.substack.com/subscribe

Hello, my fabulous pooping pals, and welcome to another episode of the Gotta Go with Mary Poopins Podcast! Today, we're flushing away boring traditions and diving into something truly extraordinary: a holiday log that poops. Yes, you heard me right. POOPS! It’s Catalonia’s quirky, hilarious, and downright delightful Christmas tradition—Caga Tió!Forget everything you think you know about holiday traditions—especially the boring ones. Catalonia has a Christmas custom that’s part comedy, part absurdity, and all about a pooping log. Yes, you read that right. Meet the Caga Tió, aka the "Defecating Log"—a festive figure that elevates gift-giving to a hilariously scatological art form. Warning: this tradition will leave even the most stone-faced adult doubled over in laughter. Party planners, listen up—this is the all-ages crowd-pleaser you've been searching for.Now, before we dive in, let’s tackle a bit of linguistic trivia. The word "Tió" is a multitasking marvel. In Catalan, it means "log" or "tree trunk." In Spanish (Castellano), it means "uncle." And in everyday slang, it can mean "dude" or "mate." So when Catalans talk about Tió de Nadal, they’re basically saying "Christmas Log" while also sounding like they’re talking about a weird uncle who’s about to steal the holiday show—or make it awkward at the dinner table.This is definitely not your American grandma’s holiday tradition—unless she’s secretly into logs that poop presents. Yes, you heard that right. Imagine a wooden log, lovingly cared for, that you eventually beat with sticks while belting out a song demanding it "s**t" out gifts. And if the log doesn’t cooperate? You threaten it with more stick-whacking. It’s like a piñata and scatological humor got together at a holiday party and made the most bizarre yet oddly delightful baby.Now, let’s talk about the log itself—because, honestly, it’s a gold mine of comedy. The term "log" as slang for poop is a masterpiece of visual association. Think about it: long, cylindrical, and natural-looking—just like an actual log you’d toss on a fire (but, uh, grosser). Over time, phrases like "dropping a log" or the cheeky "logging out" have made their way into pop culture, proving that humanity’s capacity for turning the mundane into laugh-out-loud absurdity is limitless. The earthy connection, combined with the ridiculousness of equating something so, well, icky to a rustic piece of wood, makes it impossible not to crack a smile. Because really, what’s funnier than the idea of a log pooping nougat?Caga Tió has a surprisingly ancient—and hilariously weird—origin story. This tradition’s roots stretch all the way back to the Middle Ages in the Pyrenees, when it wasn’t about poop jokes but pagan winter solstice rituals. Back then, families would burn a log (a boring, non-pooping one), keep its ashes as a magical protective charm, and sprinkle them over crops and beds for fertility. Because nothing screams "happy holidays" quite like torching a piece of wood, gathering its dusty remains, and flinging them around like some kind of medieval glitter bomb. Fertility and protection, brought to you by firewood—because what else were they going to do for fun in the Middle Ages?The log isn't just any piece of wood—it's a full-blown character. The Tió de Nadal is like the quirky cousin of the Germanic Christmas tree and the British Yule log. This festive sibling shows up to the holiday party bearing gifts, but with a cheeky twist: instead of hanging ornaments or looking pretty by the fire, this log gets beaten with sticks until it "delivers" presents. While the Christmas tree stands tall and elegant and the Yule log glows peacefully in the hearth, the Tió goes full slapstick, turning gift-giving into an unforgettable mix of holiday cheer and bathroom humor. More recent versions have it standing on stick legs, sporting a painted smile and a traditional red hat, the Tió looks like something between a deranged garden gnome, Elf on the Shelf cousin, and a festive toilet humor mascot. Starting on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception (December 8), families begin the peculiar ritual of treating a wooden log like a pampered houseguest. Every night, the Tió gets a little something to “eat” (scraps like orange peels or nuts—fine dining for a log), and it’s lovingly tucked in under a blanket to make sure it stays warm. Why all the fuss? Because legend has it, if you don’t coddle this wooden diva, it won’t “do its business” and poop out presents come Christmas Day or Eve. Yes, this log runs on kindness and snacks, much like a hangry toddler.When Christmas Eve or Christmas finally rolls around, all bets are off, and things get gloriously unhinged. Picture this: year after year, families faithfully recreate this bonkers tradition, and somehow, it only gets better with time. For the grand finale, kids assemble like a mini mob armed with sticks, ready to give the poor log a beating it won’t soon forget—all while belting out songs that sound like they were written by a committee of potty-humor-loving second-graders. It’s chaos, it’s festive, and it’s absolutely unforgettable.Oh, the drama of the Caga Tió festivities! It all starts with a song—because obviously, no poop-themed tradition is complete without a soundtrack. Kids start by giving the log a few gentle taps with their sticks, like they’re trying to politely wake it up. But when they hit the crucial line, “Caga Tió!” (roughly, “Poop, log!”), all politeness flies out the window, and they whack the thing like it owes them money. Then comes the grand reveal: someone bravely reaches under the log’s cozy blanket to fish out a gift. The present is opened with great fanfare, and the song starts all over again—because if there’s one thing better than hitting a log for treats, it’s doing it again and again.The Caga Tió song has as many versions as there are Catalan households—each with its own unique flair. But don’t worry, we’ve got you covered with the greatest hits. Here’s a popular version of this log-whacking anthem, available in both Catalan and English for your multilingual poop-themed karaoke sessions.CatalanCaga tió,avellanes i torró,no caguis arengadesque són massa salades,caga torronsque són més bons.Caga tió,ametlles i torró,i, si no vols cagar,et donaré un cop de bastó!Caga tió!EnglishS**t, tió,hazelnuts and nougats,do not s**t herrings,for they are too salty,s**t nougatsfor they taste better.S**t, tió,almonds and nougats,and if you don't want to s**tI will hit you with a stick!S**t, tió!The lyrics are a masterpiece of comedic demand: "S**t, tió, hazelnuts, and nougats, do not s**t herrings, for they are too salty, s**t nougats for they taste better!" Yes, you read that right. Children are literally threatening a log to poop better-quality treats.The herring reference isn't just a random joke—it's a culinary burn wrapped in historical intrigue and scatological serendipity. Is it mere coincidence that a song about a pooping log specifically mentions a fish renowned for its eye-watering stench? In a tradition already swimming in toilet humor, the herring seems almost too perfect—a fish so notoriously smelly it could be the olfactory cousin of excrement itself.These little fish are the original stink bombs of the food world, with a pungency that could clear a room faster than a skunk at a perfume convention. Herring fishing was once so crucial to European economies that it was dubbed "blue gold." The Dutch built entire economic empires on herring trade during the Middle Ages, with these preserved fish allowing sailors to survive long voyages.This tradition completely obliterates typical holiday mythology. No creepy Santa watching you, no "be good all year or else" moral judgment. No crumbling face when you realize Santa is the same person as the Tooth Fairy after some fifth-grade mean girl spills the tea—just pure, unadulterated joy of beating a log until it "poops" treats. Kids have the power in this ritual, and it's a celebration of absurdity, a middle finger to serious, commercialized holiday traditions that take themselves too seriously.At the heart of this tradition is nougat (torró)—a confection introduced by the Moors, made with honey, almonds, and egg whites. It's the prize "s**t" that children are hoping will emerge from the log. Nougat is an entire cottage industry to itself in Catalonia. Yet here, it’s less about the gift and more about the gloriously ridiculous process of obtaining it.Barcelona's Christmas markets now sell Caga Tió logs like hotcakes. International tourists are catching on, bringing this wonderfully weird tradition to corners of the world that desperately need more holiday humor. In the know, viewers – half a million and counting - cheered in the online comments section when Kate McKinnon described her s**t log fascination in 2016 when talking to Seth Myers.In a world of serious, sanitized holiday celebrations, the Caga Tió stands as a testament to human creativity, cultural uniqueness, and the universal love of a good poop joke. It reminds us that traditions can be more than just rituals—they can be moments of pure, unbridled laughter.Until next time, stay weird, stay whimsical, and as the Catalans say—Caga Tió! May your holidays be fun and sweet.Disclaimer to Make the Legal Team Happy:This isn’t the place for medical miracles or life-saving advice. If you’re backed up (literally or figuratively), please see a real doctor. We’re just here for laughs, not prescriptions. 🌟Got a chuckle or learned something fun from Mary Poopins? Keep the potty humor brewing! ☕ 💩 Show your love with a coffee at buymeacoffee.com/marypoopins!ResourcesBausells, Marta. (2018, December 20). Letter of recommendation: Tió de Nadal. The New York Times Magazine. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/12/20/magazine/letter-of-recommendation-tio-de-nadal.html(2018, December 21). Kate McKinnon Adopted a Catalan Poop Log Christmas Tradition [Video]. YouTube. Socarrat Paella Bar. (n.d.). The Tió de Nadal tradition: A Catalan Christmas custom. Socarrat NYC Blog. https://socarratnyc.com/blog/discovering-spain/tio-de-nadal-tradition/#:~:text=The%20Ti%C3%B3%20de%20Nadal%2C%20or,dude%2C%20guy%2C%20or%20mate.Patterson, Lindsay. (2017, December 22). Caga Tió: A Catalan log that poops nougats at Christmas. NPR. https://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2017/12/22/572569325/caga-ti-a-catalan-log-that-poops-nougats-at-christmasForeverBarcelona. (n.d.). Spanish pooping log: Christmas tradition in Catalonia. ForeverBarcelona. https://www.foreverbarcelona.com/spanish-pooping-log-christmas-tradition-catalonia-caga-tio/Morton, Ella. (2013, December 23). Feeding the poop log: A Catalan Christmas tradition. Slate. https://slate.com/human-interest/2013/12/feeding-the-poop-log-a-catalan-christmas-tradition.htmlWikipedia contributors. (n.d.). Tió de Nadal. Wikipedia. Retrieved December 6, 2024, from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ti%C3%B3_de_Nadal This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit anthropoopologist.substack.com/subscribe

Highlights of This Episode1. Why Is Pooping at Work So Awkward?Societal norms and childhood potty training create a stigma around natural bodily functions.Office culture amplifies the discomfort with shared bathrooms and the fear of appearing unproductive.“Stealth pooping” and unspoken bathroom etiquette emerge as survival tactics.2. The Four-Day PoopocalypseMeet the sales legend: a former MLB star turned office icon, who faced a very human struggle.How constipation leveled his usual swagger and transformed him into a cautionary tale of gut health.The tension, the shoes under the stall door, and the triumphant (yet humbling) conclusion.3. The Science Behind ConstipationFewer than three bowel movements a week qualify as constipation, impacting over 2.5 million people annually.How stress and societal pressures contribute to bathroom woes at work.Did you know someone once went 45 days without pooping? The aftermath was… monumental.4. Shy Bowel (Parcopresis) & Shy Bladder (Paruresis)Learn about these common forms of social anxiety and their physical and emotional toll.Tips for overcoming these conditions and why laughing at life’s awkward moments is okay.5. Ground Zero: The Bathroom ShowdownA tale of courage, echoes, and custom shoes peeking under the stall door.Why workplace bathroom acoustics are an unintentional source of humiliation.6. TakeawaysEven the most confident among us have humbling bathroom moments.Humor helps us embrace the awkwardness and destigmatize conversations about our human experiences.ResourcesCleveland Clinic: https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/4059-constipationBBC Science Focus: https://www.sciencefocus.com/the-human-body/whats-the-longest-time-that-somebody-has-been-constipatedLatest thinking on paruresis and parcopresis: https://www1.racgp.org.au/ajgp/2019/april/latest-thinking-on-paruresis-and-parcopresis This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit anthropoopologist.substack.com/subscribe

Show Notes:Welcome to the Gotta Go (All Things Poop) Podcast! In this episode, host Mary Poopins, aka the Queen of #2, takes you on a wild ride through the hilariously taboo yet surprisingly insightful world of poop. Get ready to laugh, learn, and flush away the stigma with this award-winning writer as we explore:Highlights:* The Legendary Viking Turd:* Discover the incredible 1,200-year-old fossilized poop worth $39,000.* Meet the Viking who unknowingly became a “Parasite Airbnb Superhost.”* Hear why a palaeoscatologist calls this coprolite “as irreplaceable as the Crown Jewels.”* Why Poop is the Great Equalizer:* How bathroom stories reveal our shared humanity and humor.* We're all in this together, from awkward mishaps to dietary disasters.* Pop Culture & Potty Humor:* Iconic bathroom moments in movies, music, and viral TikToks.* Celebrities like Billie Eilish and Madonna embracing the bathroom selfie trend.* Global Poop Problems:* How Mount Everest’s 28,000 pounds of frozen poop became a cautionary tale.* Why hikers now BYO poop bags to protect the environment.* Why This Podcast Matters:* Breaking the stigma around talking about poop.* Turning awkward bathroom moments into something we can all laugh and learn from.Key Takeaways:* Poop is universal, funny, and full of surprising insights.* History, science, and humor collide when we dive into the quirks of being human.* Let’s normalize the conversation and celebrate the messiness of life!Connect with Mary Poopins:* Substack: Gotta Go: All Things Poop* Email: Share your bathroom tales and questions at [email protected] you for listening! Until next time, may your poops be smooth, your toilet paper plentiful, and your bathroom breaks drama-free.Don’t forget to subscribe, rate, and leave a review—your support keeps the flushes coming! This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit anthropoopologist.substack.com/subscribe