Identity Love Podcast

I thought I was just being the best partner I could be...but since when did being a good partner require to feel empty the moment my boyfriend walked out the door? I'd completely lost myself in my relationship, and even though everything looked great from the outside -- on the inside I was completely reliant on him for my identity. If you are feeling this way, you are not alone. There's nothing wrong with you. You've just been doing things one way for too long, and in this episode I share what you can do to start getting yourself back. Watch this episode:⁠ https://youtu.be/lQFOu_jYnDY Tracy's website: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

If you've felt conflicted about whether or not you're being selfish by finally putting yourself first in your life, this episode is for you. I include the best definition I've heard yet about selfishness VS self-love, and clean up any confusion that is making you feel guilty...so you can start doing more self-love in your life. Mentioned in episode: https://herediatherapy.com/selfishness-vs-self-love/ Watch this episode:⁠ https://youtu.be/XlKvDMFgqbw Tracy's website: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

We usually know exactly what kind of person we do NOT want to be. We live in fear of being a mean, selfish, unloving person... so we avoid doing anything that might make us come off that way. But this fear is often the very thing that is stopping us from learning how to love ourselves. I talk about how my clients and I have dealt with this fear, and I'll show you how to not let it stop you. Watch this episode:⁠ https://youtu.be/iXxPSj9IXdw Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

As partner-pleasers, we often assume that our responsibility as a significant other is to keep our partners happy as we possibly can. When this becomes our main unspoken goal, we struggle to love ourselves, to find our own identities -- because we are so afraid of "neglecting" our partners by not catering as much as before. But. What if we've had it backwards? What if, in order to be a good partner, we are supposed to take responsibility for ourselves -- and give our partners responsibility for themselves? Watch this episode:⁠ https://youtu.be/F67nMPhzIPY Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

I'm messy, disorganized, creative, chaotic! So I denied having any kind of perfectionist tendencies -- EVER... until I realized how much I was secretly expecting myself to be "perfect" in my relationship. I'd always thought this was a good thing for my relationship. But it was actually creating more problems. This is why it's so important to recognize when we're going to unreasonable extremes... and what we can do to bring ourselves back to a healthy, happy place. Watch this episode:⁠ https://youtu.be/CeN5OSVL8W0 Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

When our relationship feels like an emotional rollercoaster, it's because we're giving our partner too much control. It may feel like we have no other choice but to feel and act a certain way when something happens in our relationship, but there is always a better option. The question is: what exactly IS that other option? What does it look like, feel like? In this episode I talk about figuring out who YOU want to be in your relationship, why we often struggle to know what we actually want, and why having clarity of your own vision is so important for self-love. Watch this episode:⁠ https://youtu.be/GM79blWucTo Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

How do we make sure that we're not neglecting our partner, while still giving ourselves the right about of self-love? This is a common worry that we have when shifting our behavior in our relationship, and I explain it all in this episode. You'll learn what real balance in a relationship is, why quality of love is so much better than the quanity of love, and what healthy love looks like in your relationship with your partner AND yourself. Watch this episode:⁠ https://youtu.be/3zLTb1QHP_E Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

So, you know that living to please someone else isn't working out in your favor...but it feels so hard to stop. It feels like you're against yourself, like you need to please in order to feel better. I totally get it. There's nothing wrong with you... you're just romanticizing the wrong things! In this episode I talk about how I was romanticizing pleasing others, and how I changed everything around by beginning to romanticize the right things. Watch this episode:⁠ https://youtu.be/rZCU-rtAnCM Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

Self-love isn't just something you do, it's the WAY that you do it that makes it "work" or not. I used to feel super inspired by self-love influencers, only to feel disappointed and disillusioned while trying to do the same thing in my own life. I thought something was wrong with me -- until I realized the truth of what self-love requires. In this episode I talk about HOW to actually do self-love well and right, so that it works! Watch this episode:⁠ https://youtu.be/kYv63FnHwTU Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

A common question I get is how my boyfriend reacted and how my relationship shifted once I began to put myself first. It *is* scary and risky to change the dynamic of our relationships, but it's necessary in order to create a heathier and happier way of being. I share what happened in my own life, as well how self-love affects the way our partners react. Watch this episode:⁠ https://youtu.be/EPahVTW5fjc Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

I thought it was to make my parents happy, make my partner happy, do what I was told, become what my family wanted me to do. BUT. At the same time... I really just wanted to enjoy my life. And this was a tug-of-war that went on inside me for years. Because striving to please others FELT like such a strong and noble purpose, that it must only lead to good things, right? But it doesn't work. Because us humans weren't put here to deny our own individuality and uniqueness. In this episode I offer my own take on what the purpose of life is, and how knowing what yours is so important. Watch this episode:⁠ https://youtu.be/woCiV2j3bio Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

Traveling with boyfriends used to be a big deal in an anxiety-inducing way. I'd want everything to be perfect -- my outfits, our plans, our moods, his opinion of me... and even if things went well, I'd end up feeling robbed of my own enjoyment. Underneath all my efforts, I just wanted to have fun and be able to be present and *enjoy* my vacation with my partner -- the very idea! But it's not so simple as saying "just relax!", when you are struggling with knowing how to be yourself. But I'm here to tell you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. This is a tale of two Vegas trips and how nothing had to change in order for me to have a beautiful new experience -- except my relationship with myself. Watch this episode:⁠ https://youtu.be/9kq3Kxt4DvQ Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

Everyone talks about how good it's supposed to feel to do self-care, self-love, being your true self... so why does it feel so boring and unfulfilling at first? I missed the big exciting thrill of pleasing someone else and getting approval. This made me sad. Am I doing something wrong? Am I really just that boring? Maybe I'm the one person who has no interesting sense-of-self? How do I stay true to myself long enough to see benefits?This is why I'm presenting to you a fun analogy to help you understand exactly what is going on during this disorienting in-between time. It helped me see myself and my transition in a new way, and it might be just what you need to shift your own perspective and see your own journey in a whole new light. Watch this episode:⁠ https://youtu.be/Pp2-oQrymDI Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

If you're not being your true self while people-pleasing...when are you being your true self? Is it when you're home alone, laying on the couch and feeling exhausted? Or is it when you're around the people you're super close to? Or... is it something completely different? Being your true self is a very special state of mind, a way of being! I bust two common myths and present a mind-blowing idea in this episode. Watch this episode:⁠ https://youtu.be/4XKVeI55Qv0 Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

If you feel like your identity is made up of all the different people in your life… and you don’t know what it’s like to “just be yourself”… it’s not your fault! Society is set up to turn us into faded, mismatched, disjointed versions of ourselves, and no one teaches us how to resist this while growing up — and it creates a lot of problems within ourselves. I thought I was full of emotional and personality flaws that I tried really hard to fix. But finally after being so serious about following all the rules of “fixing” myself… I realized what I actually needed to do to FINALLY know what it’s like to be my true self, and stop feeling like a chameleon in my life. Watch this episode:⁠ https://youtu.be/YNuyvs-AnJU Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

If you've been doing a lot of *serious* self-help, therapy, and self-seeking...and you still feel like you don't know how to love and be yourself -- it's probably because it's time to let loose and embrace the "weird" things about yourself! The quirky, nonsensical, different, imperfect things that you try to hide around everyone else, are the exact things that make you special. I talk about how weirdness is required to unlock our true selves, and how my clients and I have used it to get closer and more fully expressed as our coolest identities. Watch this episode: https://youtu.be/K4RVD3sHrh0 Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

If you're always trying to hide down your "negative" emotions in the name of putting on a perfect and happy face for everyone else... this might actually be making your moods more difficult to handle! In this episode I talk about how anger is actually a step up from sadness, how things backfired when I suppressed my anger, and how seeing anger as creative fodder helped me to create better things in my life. Watch this episode:⁠https://youtu.be/hZhB1P3tjXc Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

If you are a social chameleon, a people/partner-pleaser... you probably have a GREAT mindset for success. What?!... I know. Whether you are aware of it or not, the fact that you change yourself for others is a beautiful, empowering quality...you just have to learn how to harness it to serve yourself. I explain it all in this episode. "Mindset" by Carol Dweck Watch this episode:⁠ https://youtu.be/JkKJzx7Il3I Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

This is the first in a series on ✧･ﾟCONFIDENCE*✧! I've struggled with self-doubt and fear of people's opinions to the point where I felt like I would morph depending on who I was with, and I didn't know how to relax and be myself -- no matter how hard I tried. I realized that I had to first change the way I was thinking, in order to be less affected by all the pressures. - Here's what you'll learn: * The goal isn't to "just stop caring what others think!" * Why you're not 100% responsible for people's opinions of you * A mindset trick to apply to everyday life* The truth behind people who judge you Watch this episode:⁠ https://youtu.be/xxGoqt29XEs Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

*This one is a show-and-tell, so you might prefer to watch on Youtube! (Link below)* I often get asked about what daily practices I use to stay true to myself, and here is one of *thee* biggest ones that has been absolutely revolutionary for me. It was also something I once wanted no one to ever know about! A "bible" (like a cooking bible, or a pet care bible) is an authority guide that tells you everything you need to know about one subject. So... why not have a bible on yourself? In this episode I tell you why it's one of the most powerful -- and fun! -- things I've used to find and love myself, and how you can start using it today to supercharge your own journey. Watch this episode:⁠ https://youtu.be/Sd42s4fQQOw Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

What does it mean to attract yourself, and feel attractive AS yourself? As partner-pleasers we spend so much time trying to be attractive for others, yet we never actually get to the place where we feel good and self-confident all on our own. In this episode I talk about what it is to feel attracted to ourselves, and how to start getting more of this in your life and relationship right now -- so you can bring your own self-love to the table. Watch this episode:⁠ https://youtu.be/e4Dq55qqM8Y Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

Nobody teaches us how to be our true selves... in fact, they just say "be true to you!" as though it should be easy. And so we judge ourselves for struggling to understand how to do it -- which doesn't help. Here I share 5 things I learned about being true to myself that really helped me understand what it all means, and how to actually do it! Watch this episode:⁠https://youtu.be/HRR5z8NYh2w Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

How do you show up as your "coolest self" when you've been hurt in the past? How do you not let the baggage follow you into your new, healthier relationship? Answer: Let your partner show you who they really are. In this episode I talk about my own experience in struggling to trust again, how I didn't allow my past to ruin my chances at something better, and the basket of eggs analogy :) Watch this episode:⁠https://youtu.be/JZgd7fRw4TI Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

One of the hardest truths partner-pleasers have to face is that a relationship is always a risk. There is nothing you can actually do to ensure that you'll never get hurt...which is a very scary feeling. But there is a better way to not only feel more secure, but take ownership over your security instead of relying on someone else. SPOTIFY: Watch this episode:https://youtu.be/dqTVe8titr4 Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

No one usually teaches us how to be in a relationship -- we just gather beliefs and ideas about love by watching others, movies and shows, and our own assumptions. And then we go into a relationship just assuming that these things we believe are true. But what if they're actually creating more problems than they're solving? And what if...by questioning what we believe... we can make better decisions and create more harmony within our relationships -- and within ourselves? Here I present four relationship beliefs that I had to question, and show you how to apply the same practice to your own life. Watch this episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3jN8ns64qo Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

One of the biggest signs that you have lost yourself in your relationship is when your life no longer makes sense. What does it mean to have a life that makes sense? And why is it so important? And what do you do to start making a non-sensical life start making sense again? I share my own story and answer all of this in this episode. Watch this episode!:⁠ https://youtu.be/-LllYQW6VUs Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

Do you find yourself being annoyed at folks who are loud, picky, celebrating their accomplishments, and who don't smile back? Me too. But I realized that deep down, I was pissed off because of something that I needed more of -- not because those people needed to do less. Here's how you can use these annoying people to learn more about your true identity, and use your anger for good. Watch this episode!:⁠ https://youtu.be/ZoMuiebkgtg Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

Here I give you real life examples of how I used “my coolest self” to deal with my relationships in a much more loving, healthy, empowered way. I’d reached the point where I had tried everything (for my partners) in attempt to improve the relationship, and I was at my wit’s end. But there was ONE thing that I had left to try: This idea of loving myself. I had no idea how to start doing it, until I began using my coolest self as inspiration…and you can 100% do it too! Watch this episode!:https://youtu.be/1OQBDDcl7Ik Identity Love YEAR: ⁠https://www.identitylove.com/year⁠ IG: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

The reason why we're so needy, jealous, moody, & self-conscious is because we only feel like our "higher self" when we're with our partner. We have a human need to to self-actualize -- to reach our fullest potential. So when being with our partner makes us feel like we are becoming a higher version of ourselves, we are hooked! And this is where the over-reliance, self-consciousness, and needing to partner-please comes from: from us not knowing how to self-actualize on our own. We don't have to become perfect super-achieving uber-versions of ourselves...we just have to know who our COOLEST self would be! Watch this episode:https://youtu.be/YAxxuHhNOuk Identity Love YEAR: https://www.identitylove.com/year IG: https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/

I talk about how I gave myself permission when no one else around me understood, and I encourage you to start acknowledging that all your "weirdness", your quirks, your personality... are all super important cues and clues to your truest self. Watch this Episode!: https://youtu.be/rzGM31CfR3A My website: https://www.identitylove.com/ IG: https://www.instagram.com/tracykonane/