Love, Happiness and Success with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

“We talk all the time, but I still feel alone in my marriage.” If that sentence has ever crossed your mind on a Tuesday night, mid-load of dishes, with your partner three feet away, you are not imagining it. And you are not the only one. In this episode, I sit down with Debra Fileta, the licensed therapist who has spent more than twenty years in clinical practice helping couples figure out exactly this. Debra is the author of nine books and the host of the nationally syndicated podcast Talk To Me, and her newest book, People Skills, is built around an idea that I think is going to be a relief for a lot of you. Most relationship pain is not a love problem. It is a skill problem. And skills can be built. In This Episode The three levels of communication, and why almost every couple stalls at level two without realizing it Why “we talk all the time” is not the same thing as feeling close, even after twenty years of marriage The thirty-minute weekly ritual Debra and her husband John have used for fifteen years to keep their marriage from drifting Why being “nice” is not the same as having strong people skills, and the people-pleasing trap that masquerades as kindness How to tell the difference between a one-time conflict and a relationship pattern that is pointing at something deeper The volume-dial reframe for couples where one partner feels everything at a 7 and the other at a 3 The empathy practice that takes thirty seconds and changes the way you see almost everyone in your life Why “I keep attracting the wrong people” is the wrong question, and the better one Debra asks instead Why This Matters This episode is for anyone who has caught themselves thinking, something has shifted between us and I cannot put my finger on what. For the partner who feels like they are always the one initiating real conversation. For the couple who used to talk for hours and now mostly talks about logistics. For anyone who has wondered if needing more depth in their marriage is asking too much. It is not. And the way back is more learnable than you might think. Episode Breakdown 02:30 It is Not a Lack of Love, It is a Lack of Skill 06:30 Patterns vs. Pain Points (How to Tell If You Are the Common Denominator) 10:30 Why You Keep Attracting the Wrong People (And How to Change Your “Magnet”) 14:00 The Three Levels of Communication: Why Most Couples Never Get Past Level Two 17:30 Duck Floaty or Scuba Diver? The Sunday Night Check-In That Saved a Marriage 23:00 When One of You Feels Everything at a 7 and the Other at a 3 29:30 The Yalom Story: How to Actually Look Out Your Partner’s Window 33:00 Trauma Does Not Excuse Us, But It Does Explain Us Resources Free Communication Training (two-part video plus workbook) Work with a couples counselor or relationship coach on my team If something in this conversation lands somewhere specific for you, that is the signal to do something with it. Start with the free communication training at growingself.com/communication. It is two short videos and a workbook, and you can do it this weekend. And if you want to go a little deeper, we do free first conversations at growingself.com. No pressure, no commitment, just a real conversation about what is actually going on in your relationship and whether what we do here might be a fit. I will see you back on the podcast soon. xo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby Growing Self Special thanks to this month’s sponsors of the podcast Upwork — When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free. Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts. OSEA — Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order. Quince — Quality products you’ll actually use that feel like luxury without the price tag. Get free shipping and 365-day returns at quince.com/lhs. LNutra Prolon — A science-backed, plant-based nutrition program that supports fat loss, metabolism, cellular rejuvenation, and overall longevity. Head to ProlonLife.com/LHS for 15% off your first order + a bonus gift.

Sometimes the worst part of betrayal is not what happened. It’s what keeps happening inside you afterward. Betrayal trauma recovery is about understanding why betrayal trauma can leave you anxious, hypervigilant, angry, shut down, or unsure of yourself long after the original event is over. In this episode, we’re revisiting a conversation about what happens when someone you love, trust, or depend on hurts you in a way that changes how safe the world feels. Whether the rupture came through infidelity, dishonesty, emotional abandonment, or another kind of relational betrayal, the aftermath can be disorienting in ways people do not always talk about clearly enough. We’ll look at why betrayal can create trauma responses that feel a lot like PTSD, and why healing after betrayal often takes more than insight alone. We’ll also explore what betrayal trauma recovery can look like in real life: naming the wound honestly, recognizing your trauma responses, understanding the difference between a real threat and an old trigger, and creating the kind of emotional safety that makes healing possible. If you’ve been trying to rebuild trust after betrayal, make sense of healing after infidelity, or learn how to trust yourself again, this episode offers a compassionate and grounded place to begin. Episode Breakdown: 00:00 Betrayal Trauma Recovery 04:09 Why Betrayal Can Feel Like Trauma 08:38 What Counts as Betrayal? 15:43 Self-Blame and Losing Trust in Yourself 23:14 Betrayal Trauma Symptoms: Fear, Hypervigilance, and Avoidance 35:02 How Betrayal Trauma Recovery Begins 46:53 Why Safety Has to Come Before Healing 52:08 Healing, Boundaries, and Learning to Trust Yourself Again If this episode gave language to something you’ve been carrying alone, I’d like to offer you a gentle next step. You can schedule a free consultation with me or someone on my team, and we’ll help you find the right support for you. It’s private, secure, and only takes a couple of minutes to answer three quick questions so we can match you with the right counselor or coach. Think of it as a thoughtful first step toward feeling more clear, more supported, and more like yourself again. xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby Growing Self Upwork — and it’s a sponsorship I said yes to because I actually use it. When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free. Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts. OSEA - Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order

If you struggle with boundaries, you can end up “nice”… and quietly miserable. Because when conflict shows up, you default to appeasing, avoiding, or people-pleasing. And then the same communication problems keep replaying until your emotional intimacy erodes. In this conversation, I’m joined by Kelvin Davis to talk about people pleasing, nice guy syndrome, and what it looks like to stop performing “niceness” and start showing up with honesty, courage, and self-respect. Kelvin shares how therapy helped him recognize his own people pleasing patterns, his fear of conflict, and the ways that conflict avoidance shaped his marriage, his identity, and his growth. If you’ve been trying to understand how to stop being a people pleaser, or why people pleasing keeps costing you closeness, clarity, and respect, this episode is for you. We’re also talking about how to set boundaries without becoming cold, defensive, or rigid. Kelvin opens up about emotional avoidance, approval-seeking, and the painful moment of realizing that being liked is not the same thing as being respected. Together, we explore the hidden cost of conflict avoidance, the difference between being a “nice guy” and being a good man, and why emotional intimacy begins to erode when hard conversations never really happen. This is a thoughtful conversation about people pleasing, relationships, self-respect, and what it takes to choose growth over comfort. Kelvin Davis is the founder and creator of Notoriously Dapper, a body positive menswear blog showcasing outfits to inspire men of all sizes to find confidence in their appearance. Notoriously Dapper was created to inspire all men to embrace who they are. In this episode, he brings that same message of authenticity to emotional growth too: how to stop shrinking, how to set boundaries, and how to become someone who can stay kind without abandoning themselves. Episode Breakdown: 00:00 Nice Guy Syndrome and People-Pleasing 02:50 From Nice Guy to Good Man 08:49 Emotional Cheating and Emotional Intimacy 12:07 How to Set Boundaries 24:07 Choose Hard Now, Easy Later 34:20 Be Buffalo, Not Cows 39:06 Hard Conversations and Conflict Avoidance 53:56 Boundaries, Balance, and Respect If this conversation hit something tender in you, I’d love to offer you a way to take the next step. When you’ve spent a long time being the one who keeps the peace, avoids conflict, or bends yourself into whatever other people need, it can be hard to know how to begin doing something different. You deserve support with that. You can answer three quick questions so we can help you schedule a free consultation with the right expert on my team. It’s private, secure, and only takes a couple of minutes. If you’re ready to work on people pleasing, how to set boundaries, or the relationship patterns that keep replaying in your life, this is a warm, thoughtful place to begin. xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby Growing Self Upwork — and it’s a sponsorship I said yes to because I actually use it. When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free. Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.OSEA - Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order

Anxiety, especially climate anxiety, can feel like a constant alarm you can’t shut off. If you’re living with stress & anxiety, chronic stress, and an undercurrent of grief, you’re not alone. And when it starts tipping into burnout, you need tools that build real-world agency. In this conversation, I’m joined by Dr. Katharine Wilkinson — writer, teacher, creator, and one of the clearest voices I know on climate emotions and meaningful action. We’re talking about climate anxiety, eco anxiety, climate change anxiety, and the emotional toll of living in a world that can feel harder to trust than it used to. This is a conversation about how to stay grounded without shutting down, and how to move through fear without letting it run your life. We talk about the difference between healthy fear and anxiety that starts taking over, and why anxiety about climate change can leave so many people feeling helpless, isolated, or stuck. Dr. Katharine shares how guilt, anger, and climate grief can become sources of information instead of feelings to numb out or carry alone. We also talk about community, young people, uncertainty, and how meaningful action can help shift you out of paralysis and into a deeper sense of agency. At the end, I put my psychologist hat on and talk through what to do when climate anxiety, chronic stress, or burnout begin affecting your sleep, mood, focus, or daily functioning. Episode Breakdown: 00:00 The Emotional Reality of Climate Anxiety 06:06 Guilt, Action, and Agency 18:02 Healthy Fear vs. Climate Anxiety 21:11 Community, Connection, and Collective Action 39:37 Helping Young People Face an Uncertain Future 45:03 Rage, Grief, and a Way Forward If this conversation brought up something tender for you — fear, grief, burnout, or that constant sense of bracing for what’s next — I want to offer you a gentle next step. Let’s find the right support for you. You can schedule a free consultation with me or someone on my team. It’s a private, secure space where you’ll answer three quick questions so we can help match you with the right counselor or coach for what you’re carrying right now. It only takes a couple of minutes, and it may be the beginning of feeling more supported, more grounded, and less alone. xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby Growing Self Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts. Upwork - Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at Upwork.com — posting a job is free OSEA - Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order

Discovering that your partner has cheated is one of the most painful experiences anyone can have. It's a form of relational trauma that leaves you hurting and mistrustful, long after the affair has ended. Healing from this form of betrayal is a difficult process that takes many months or even years. But the partner who cheated has their own healing to do, and that very real need is often overlooked in conversations about infidelity.  So you've cheated, now what? If you've cheated on someone you love and care about, you may be questioning everything you thought you knew about yourself. You may feel confused about how you got here, and conflicted about the future you want. You are likely filled with a complex mix of painful feelings, like regret, shame, guilt, and ambivalence. Addressing those feelings and understanding your experience is the path to repair, both for you, and for your relationship.  That's why I created this episode of the podcast. I hope this helps you find space for your own healing and growth, so you can move forward from this experience stronger than before.  With love, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby GrowingSelf.com . . . Episode Highlights [01:50] Help! I Cheated [7:01] Why Did I Cheat? [15:03] Moving Forward After Cheating [31:21] Forgiving Yourself [39:20] A Healthy Healing Process After Cheating

Are you in love with someone who is deeply in love with... themselves? It's exhausting to have a relationship with a selfish person. The good news is that there are different types of narcissists, and sometimes healing and growth is possible. (Maybe, for them, but definitely for YOU.) I'm tackling all your questions about narcissists on this episode including how to tell if someone is a narcissist (and what type), how to avoid subconsciously perpetuating a narcissistic relationship dynamic, when hope is possible vs. when to cut your losses, and more.  Join me!  Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby GrowingSelf.com P.S. This is a VAST subject. If you have lingering questions, leave them for me in the comments section of this post.  

Sad But True: January is The Most Common Time Of Year For Breakups and Divorces Does your relationship have a holiday hangover? Memories of the holiday meals and sparkly presents are fading into the distance. The brown pine needles have been vacuumed from the rug. But the hurt feelings, resentments, and disappointments? Hoo boy! NOW is the time of year when it finally feels safe to talk about the hard things that have happened over the last few months. Holidays are wonderful, and there is lots to love. But they are also stressful, and they put uniquely difficult stressors on relationships. The cracks in every relationship strain around things like money, in-laws, setting limits with the kids, "being thoughtful," who might be drinking too much or flirting with a certain someone at a holiday party, or all the unhelpful ways people cope with stress. Over the holidays, pressure gets put on all those cracks at the same time. People cope the best they can. Many people, as they go through the holidays, say to themselves: "Just get through it, get through it, get through it." The holidays are supposed to be happy right? So people keep the lid on the hard stuff. They smile when they feel like screaming, they stuff the disappointments, and they endure the annoyances. Silently. With mounting bitterness. As any marriage counselor worth their salt will tell you, stuffing things only makes them fester and grow like warty mushrooms of resentment on your heart. So by the time you arrive in January, what you've been holding on to for the past month or two may feel like a really. big. deal. Furthermore, nobody wants to open up a bunch or hard stuff right before the holidays. Certainly nobody wants to talk about breaking up. Couples who weren't in a great place even before the holidays start to feel squeamish about dealing directly with their problems before all the family events and vacation plans. Married people "don't want to scar their kids by ruining Christmas." So they wait, stuffing their feelings and biding their time until the ball drops on a New Year. A new start. A new life. And then they blindside their partners with talk of breaking up, or the "big D" in January. Do Not Be Afraid of The January Relationship Crisis Seriously. Use it to your advantage. Use it as an opportunity to resolve issues, and make the changes that need to be made: This can be a "fresh start" for your relationship, just like your other goals and hopes for the new year. Now is the time for a fresh start for your relationship: Talk about the things you haven't been talking about. If you can't talk about them productively, that's normal too -- that's what marriage counselors and relationship coaches are here for. Get in touch and we can help you communicate, reconnect, and work through it productively. Show your partner how much you love them by staying calm, and letting them know you're willing to work on it. Practice listening non-defensively, and responding to their requests. Let them know you're willing to do whatever it takes to work through it with them. Educate yourself: I am re-releasing the podcast I created last year on this subject, "The January Relationship Crisis." (Now #63). Listen to it to get deeper insight into what's going on, and how you can work together to reconnect. While you're there, browse around the other relationship podcasts I've made to learn more. (And if you like the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast please subscribe and leave a review!!) Use the resources available to you: Sign up to get my free relationship advice freebie (www.growingself.com/avoid-january-breakups) and then check back here over the next few weeks for new posts on "How to Get Your Unwilling Partner to Go To Marriage Counseling," "How to Deal With a Partner Who Shuts Down," and "How to Deal With a Partner Who is Always Angry." (Don't miss these posts: Sign up for our monthly round up at the top right of my blog page (www.growingself.com) and I'll send them to you next month). 2016 could be the best thing that ever happened to your relationship. Facing challenges fearlessly, as a couple, is what will create a stronger, deeper connection than ever before. No one wants relationships to be over: They want them to be better. Embrace the "January Relationship Crisis." This could be your chance to take your relationship to the next level. Happy New Year! -- Lisa Podcast Music Credits: Ty Segall, "So Alone"