Love Inside Out with Adele Testa

Your partner's ex. The one you've never met but can't stop thinking about. That's the ghost in your relationship — and in this episode, we're talking about why someone who is no longer part of the story has more power over your peace of mind than the person sleeping next to you.Today we focus on retroactive jealousy. In this episode, I break down what retroactive jealousy actually is, why it takes hold so deeply, who keeps the ghost alive without realising it, and what you can do — practically, honestly — to stop it from running your relationship.If you've ever stalked your partner's ex on social media, asked a question you didn't actually want the answer to, or felt your stomach drop at a name from their past — this episode was made for you. Press play.CHAPTERS00:00 Understanding retroactive jealousy — what it is, how it differs from reactive and possessive jealousy, and why we're only covering this type today. The others get their own episode.03:11 The emotional impact of retroactive jealousy — what it actually feels like from the inside, the obsessive cycle of digging and spiralling, and how friends, family, and even your partner can keep the ghost alive without meaning to.10:34 Identifying the root causes — low self-worth, anxious attachment, and the imagination problem that turns your partner's past into a film that's always worse than reality.18:23 Strategies for managing retroactive jealousy — six practical steps, from stopping the detective work to building the relationship instead of investigating it.19:33 Heart Work of the week — three questions to carry with you this week. The kind that change things if you sit with them honestly.21:10 Conclusion — the past is where stories go when they're finished. Yours is still being written.If this episode landed — or if you want to tell me which part hit hardest — send me a DM on Instagram @adelethecoach. I read every single one.🤎I also write a weekly newsletter on Substack where I go deeper into the topics behind each episode — standalone articles you can read in two minutes with your morning coffee. https://substack.com/@unromanticisedloveDon't let a ghost run your love life. Ciao, Adele 🤎

This episode is for anyone who's ever left a coffee, a dinner, or a group chat feeling quietly worse about their relationship — without being able to say exactly why. For anyone who's compared their love life to a friend's highlight reel and come up short. For anyone who vents to the same person every time and wonders why nothing ever shifts.But here's what happened. This Sunday I accidentally ran a mini group coaching session about love. With three strangers. On a park bench. Before brunch. I did not sign up for this.I watched one woman's sense of her own marriage swing from relief to shame in ninety seconds — based entirely on two sentences from two people she'd just met. And I couldn't stay quiet about it. Because what happened on that bench happens to all of us. We just don't notice it.Press play if you want:The comparison trap — To understand why casual conversations about other people's relationships quietly sabotage how you feel about your own. Standards, not comparisons — A three-column framework for deciding what is okay, what is negotiable, and what is a no-no in your relationship — so you stop outsourcing your compass to strangers on park benches.Choose your person on purpose — The difference between a sounding board that calibrates you and one that just cheers you on. Why co-rumination — the thing that feels like support — actually embeds the hurt deeper. And how to pick the right person before you need them.Heart Work of the week: three things to do this week to turn what you heard into what you practise.This episode is less theory, more story. I think you'll recognise yourself somewhere in it.Chapters:Introduction: 0:00 - 0:49- 1:32The Park Bench Story: 1:32 - 5:56Comparison in Relationships: 5:56 - 9:20The Concept of Standards: 9:20 - 15:23Sounding Board and Support: 15:23 - 21:39Heart Work and Conclusion: 21:39 - 27:57Let's stay in touch. I'd love to hear which part landed most for you.📩 DM me on Instagram: @adele_thecoach✍️ Read my weekly articles on Substack: https://substack.com/@unromanticisedloveLove Inside Out is available on Spotify and Apple Podcasts — wherever you listen to podcasts.

You're not behind. You're scrolling and play a lose-lose game with endless comparisons.Nobody tells you this, so I will: the most damaging thing you can do in love is measure your real life against someone else's highlight reel. That knot in your stomach when a friend gets engaged. That restless ache when you see a couple on holiday and yours feels quieter. That voice saying you should be further along by now. That's not intuition. That's FOMO. And it's running more of your love decisions than you think.FOMO in love is not jealousy. It's not envy. It's a fear — the fear that your love life is falling behind a timeline nobody actually agreed to. And it doesn't just hit single people. It hits those in relationships, those in situationships, and those who've been through divorce hardest of all.In this episode, I go deeper into FOMO than I've gone on any topic so far. And I think it might change how you see your own love life.🤎WHAT'S INSIDE THIS EPISODE🤎 The Imaginary Timeline — where your love roadmap came from, and why it was never yours to begin with.🤎 The Comparison Trap — how social media hijacks your nervous system. 🤎 The Grief Nobody Recognises — FOMO often masks grief for a life that didn't happen. Until you mourn the imaginary version, you keep chasing it.🤎 FOMO and Your Attachment Style — why anxious attachment turbocharges FOMO, and why avoidant attachment uses it as a costume.🤎 The Sunk Cost Trap — why people stay in wrong relationships because leaving feels like wasting the years they invested.🤎 The "What If" Loop — and a practical tool called the What If Audit to break the spiral.🤎 Heart Work — three questions to sit with this week.If something in this episode landed — or if you want to tell me which chapter hit hardest — send me a DM on Instagram @adelethecoach. I read every single one.Your pace is yours. Always has been.— Adele 🤎REFERENCESI also reference our episode on The Power Couple Myth - everyone wants to be the Obamas (but no one wants to do the work) — because the pressure to look like you're winning at love is FOMO's older, louder sibling. Listen https://plinkhq.com/i/1877487346/e/1000749826924.Leon Festinger — Social Comparison Theory (1954). The foundational research on why humans evaluate themselves by comparing to others. Barry Schwartz — The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less (2004). Research showing that too many options lead to paralysis and dissatisfaction. His distinction between "maximisers" and "satisficers" applies directly to modern dating and relationship decisions.

This episode is for anyone who's ever felt stuck in the same argument, said something they didn't mean, or walked out of a conversation wondering how it went sideways so fast. No jargon. No "use I-statements." Just three things happening beneath the surface of your love life that most of us were never taught to notice.But here's what happened. Three coaching sessions in one week. Three completely different people. Same hidden patterns showing up in all of them.If three people bumped into this in seven days, chances are you have too.I never thought I'd record an episode with a title like this either. It sounds like one of those ads promising a masterclass at £27. Don't worry — we're not there yet.Press play if you want:Secret 1 — To finally understand why your partner keeps repeating the same thing (it's not what you think). Plus the Harvard neuroscience that explains why being listened to feels so good — and the line between social intelligence and manipulation.Secret 2 — To catch the invisible voice in your head that's been rewriting every sentence your partner says before you even answer them.Secret 3 — To learn the most unromantic sentence in the English language — and why it will save more relationships than "I love you" ever has.Heart Work of the week: how to make into practice what we hear in this episode. Twenty-one minutes. One cup of tea. Maybe one small shift in how you show up tonight.Let's stay in touch. I'd love to hear which secret landed most for you.Get in touch!📩 DM me on Instagram: @adele_thecoach✍️ Read my weekly articles on Substack: https://substack.com/@unromanticisedloveResearch referenced in this episode:Tamir & Mitchell (Harvard fMRI study) — Disclosing information about the self is intrinsically rewarding (Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 2012)Episodes mentioned:Episode 12 — Why We Rage at the People We Love

You know that moment at a family gathering when someone asks about your love life, your choices or your body and your chest tightens? This episode is your preparation. Easter is close. You'll want this before you walk through that door.In this episode of Love Inside Out, I'm giving you the gated bridge — a way to protect your peace at family events without shutting anyone out, building walls, or spending the whole afternoon in defence mode. We cover:Why the standard "set a firm boundary" advice keeps you braced for a fight that never actually comesThe neuroscience behind why redirecting a conversation is one of the most effective social tools you haveExact phrases for every scenario — the love life questions, the timeline pressure, the "you're not getting any younger"How to walk into a gathering as a team if you're bringing a partnerAnd if you haven't listened to Episode 2 yet — go back. I go deep on couple dynamics and communication there, and it pairs directly with today. Link right here on the feed. https://plinkhq.com/i/1877487346/e/1000749826778No walls. No courtroom scripts. Just warmth, clarity, and your peace — intact.Follow me on Instagram @adele_thecoach for more.🤎 Adele, the coach

Making a big decision about your love life when everything is falling apart is like grocery shopping when you're starving. You grab whatever's closest. You don't read the label. You just want the empty feeling to stop. That's not clarity — that's compensation. This episode might save you from the wrong call. Love Inside Out — out now.

Last Sunday, I spotted a poster on a classroom wall in a primary school. Five rules. Handwritten in coloured marker. For children aged six.And I stood there thinking — if adults of my generation learnt and applied these five rules in their romantic relationships, half the heartbreak out there simply would not exist.We teach children these things before they can tie their shoelaces. Then somewhere between childhood and adulthood, we collectively forget every single one.In this episode, I go through all five rules — one by one — and show you how each of them is a masterclass in how to love another person well. We talk about why we stop listening the moment we start preparing our defence. Why we confuse intimacy with agreement. Why we stop being curious about the person we love — and start relating to a version of them that no longer exists. Why we deliver emotional verdicts without ever explaining ourselves. And why changing your mind in a relationship feels like losing — when it's actually the bravest thing you can do.Whether you're in a relationship, dating, or single and doing the inner work — this one is for you.Chapters:— Welcome & the story behind the poster— Rule 1: Proof of listening (not just the intention)— Rule 2: It's ok to think differently (no, really) — Rule 3: Stay curious — what Gottman found about couples who last— Rule 4: The power of "because"— Rule 5: Changing your mind is not losing— Heart Work: Your challenge for this week— ClosingReferenced in this episode:John Gottman — decades of research on long-term couple satisfaction, including the concept of "love maps" and curiosity as a predictor of lasting relationships. Key works: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (1999), The Science of Trust (2011).Love Inside Out — new episodes on Spotify & Apple PodcastsDMs always open: @adele_thecoach

You've never sat someone down and handed them a list of your assumptions and expectations for how to love you. But you have that list. And when someone breaks a rule they were never told about — it feels like betrayal.If this hit close home, DM @adele_thecoachLove Inside Out is back with an episode about the thing underneath most relationship frustration: the invisible contract. The unspoken expectations, unconscious assumptions, inherited rules, and silent scorecards that run in the background of every connection — and the damage they cause when they're never brought into the open.This one is for you whether you're in a relationship wondering why the same friction keeps showing up, dating and feeling let down by someone who's actually trying, or single and starting to question whether your standards are too high — or just too quiet.Hit play if you've ever been furious with someone for breaking a promise they never made..In this episode of Love Inside Out:📋 The difference between assumptions, standards, and expectations — and why confusing them creates most of the friction in your love life🧊 Why the person sitting across from you carries a completely different blueprint for love — and neither of you knows it🪞 The most dangerous mental shortcut in relationships: "they did X, so it must mean Y about us"🔇 Why most of us were never taught to express what we want without it sounding like an attack🗝️ How to make the invisible visible — the four areas where every couple and every person dating should start having honest conversations🔥 The parallel love story: how two people can be in the same relationship and describe it as two entirely different experiences.Chapters:00:00 — Introduction01:30 — What Is an Invisible Contract?04:30 — Where Do These Contracts Come From?07:30 — What Happens When Contracts Clash11:00 — The "If I Do This, You Should Do That" Trap14:00 — How to Make the Contract Visible17:00 — The Heart Work18:30 — ClosingReferences: 1. Dr Robert Glover — No More Mr Nice Guy. 2. Gottman Institute. 3.Denise Rousseau — psychological contract theory. Terri Cole..New episodes every Sunday. Follow Love Inside Out so you never miss one.📩 DMs always open: @adele_thecoach

That moment you became someone you don't recognise. The text you sent. The silence you weaponised. The fury that came out of nowhere — and the shame that followed.Love Inside Out is back with an episode about the emotion nobody wants to admit they can't control: RAGE.Not frustration. Not irritation. The kind of anger that bypasses your brain entirely and leaves you wondering who just spoke with your voice.This one is for you whether you're in a relationship, navigating something undefined, or single and realising the same anger pattern keeps showing up no matter who you're with.Hit play if you've ever looked back at a moment and thought: that wasn't me.In this episode of Love Inside Out:🧠The neuroscience of why you literally can't think straight when rage hits — and what's actually happening in your brain🧊 Why anger is almost always protecting a deeper emotion you haven't named yet🌋 Why your explosion is rarely about this moment — it's about every moment before it that was never addressed🔇 The difference between managing anger and preventing it from building in the first place💣 Why screaming louder doesn't make people listen — it teaches them to survive you😶 The shame hangover nobody talks about — and what it's trying to tell you🔬 What the research says about rage rooms, pillow punching, and why "getting it out" makes it worse.New episodes every Sunday . Follow Love Inside Out so you never miss one.📩 DMs on Instagram always open: @adele_thecoach.Chapters:- Introduction- What is rage, actually?- The Iceberg: anger as a secondary emotion- The space between: why rage is not the Real You- Why we Rage at the people we love (and the people we're starting to love)- Why your rage is disproportionate- From anger management to anger prevention- The illusion of power, the shame, and the morning After- The Heart Work for this week- Closing

That heavy silence after a fight. The forced cheerfulness. The pretending everything is fine when it very much is not. We have all been there — and most of us have no idea what to do next.Recovering well from a clash is one of the most underrated skills in love — and almost nobody is teaching it, yet it is an essential skill because it is impossible to never ever have a disagreement. Love Inside Out is back with an episode that tackles the part of conflict nobody wants to talk about: the aftermath. Not the shouting — what comes after. The repair, the misreading, the patterns we keep repeating without realising why.If you have ever walked away from a disagreement thinking are we even right for each other? — this episode might change how you see that question entirely.What's waiting for you when you hit play:Six reasons why people clash — and how to spot which one keeps showing up for youA scale to measure how serious a conflict really is — because not all of them deserve the same energyThe one mistake that ends more relationships than it should — and how to stop making itWhy being understanding and being a doormat are not the same thingThe uncomfortable truth about apologies — and what actually needs to happen after oneConcrete steps for wherever you are: settled relationship, undefined situation, or flying soloNew episodes every Sunday. 🔄 Follow Love Inside Out so you never miss one.📩 DMs open on Instagram: @adele_thecoach

You replayed the conversation. You analysed the text. You stayed up at 2AM building an argument about something that hasn't happened yet. And now your stomach hurts.This episode unpacks why overthinking takes over in relationships and dating — and what's actually going on underneath it. We explore horror vacui (the brain's refusal to sit with uncertainty), the cognitive distortions that make you react to a story instead of reality, and the self-fulfilling prophecy where the fear of losing someone becomes the very thing that pushes them away.You'll also learn the five rumination cycles — blame, control, doubt, worry, and self-pity — and discover which one runs your mind. Plus, a practical framework called the SLOW method to interrupt the loop in real time.Whether you're in a relationship or navigating modern dating, this one's for you. Especially if you've ever lost an entire Sunday to a one-word text.

If you're single, chances are you've been hurt. You've lost trust — not just in love, but in yourself. You tolerated things you shouldn't have. You stayed too long. You ignored the signs.This episode is your reset.I share a framework she's developed through years of working with clients and my own dating experiences. No checklists. No "must-haves." Just a different way of thinking about how to find — and recognise — the right person for you.In this episode, you'll explore:→ Why being single isn't a waiting room (and how to stop treating it like one)→ The drowning metaphor: why we choose badly when we're desperate→ The difference between making space for love and creating a void→ Know yourself first: patterns, non-negotiables, and what you bring to relationships→ Observe, don't project: why we fall in love with potential instead of reality→ Time is your friend: what to look for beyond the butterflies→ The "you just know" myth — and what recognition actually feels like→ Quality over quantity: why time invested isn't a reason to stay→ Red flags vs yellow flags vs personal preferences — and why not everything is a red flag→ The traps we all fall into: settling, rushing, scarcity, and potentialWhether you're dating after divorce, navigating the apps, or wondering if love will ever find you — this episode offers tools to help you make a better call this time around.🎧 Save this one. Come back to it. Share it with a friend who needs it.....#dating #relationships #singlelife #datingadvice #findingtheoune #selftrust #datinginyour30s #datinginyour40s #datingafterdisvorce #redflags #relationshippatterns #datingframework #loveadvice #knowyourworth

You scroll past a photo of the Obamas and think: that. I want that.The look. The respect. The decades-deep love that still lights up a room.But here's what we skip past — the therapy sessions, the 2am conversations that resolved nothing, the mornings where someone woke up annoyed for no good reason. We admire the destination. We're far less interested in the journey.This episode unpacks the power couple myth — the idea that extraordinary love just happens to extraordinary people. It doesn't. It's built. Maintained. Chosen, again and again.In this episode, you'll find:→ What power couples actually do differently (hint: it's not grand gestures)→ The "in-between work" — the uncomfortable space after the argument but before the repair→ A personal story about limousines, surprise trips, and the emotional chaos behind the fairytale→ Why Michelle Obama said 10 years of unhappiness out of 40 means you did well→ The Grand Gesture Trap — how we confuse courtship with love→ Five unsexy truths about strong relationships no one puts on a vision board→ The 3x Rule — my coaching framework to turn conflict into clarity→ The difference between a crisis and a lower stage (and why confusing them can cost you)→ A dedicated word for singles: your past relationships aren't failures, they're information→ Two Heart Work exercises — The 3x Mirror and The Gratitude Burst (a bit of homework to turn a nice talk into real action).Whether you're in a long-term relationship, freshly partnered, or single and wondering what healthy love actually looks like — this one is for you.Power couples aren't born. They're built. One uncomfortable conversation at a time. One repair at a time.No pressure though. Hit play.—Love Inside Out is hosted by Adele the Coach — helping curious listeners, like you, build unfiltered, unromanticised love that lasts & make you happy. Want to connect? Find me on Instagram → @adele_thecoach

Have you ever swallowed something that hurt you and immediately told yourself "it could be worse"? Have you ever talked yourself out of a need because "at least they don't do X"?That's not gratitude. That's self-abandonment with a positive spin.In this episode, we explore the blurry line between genuine appreciation and shrinking yourself to keep the peace. I break down what "playing small" actually looks like — for women AND for men — why we do it, where it comes from, and what it costs us when we let gratitude become a cage instead of a foundation.In this episode, you'll hear about:→ The difference between healthy gratitude and unhealthy compromise→ The subtle signs you're playing small (and don't even realise it)→ How women shrink their desires and men shrink their emotions — and what happens when both people shrink→ The "Love Bencher" — a real coaching story about a man who stopped showing up emotionally (and why)→ The 4 root causes: good girl/good boy programming, scarcity mindset, toxic positivity, and past relationship trauma→ Why unspoken needs don't disappear — they ferment into resentment→ The AND Principle: how gratitude and growth can live in the same sentence→ Two Heart Work exercises to help you observe where you're shrinking and start taking up space againWhether you're in a relationship or single, this pattern doesn't wait for a partner to show up. It starts with how you've learned to shrink everywhere else.The opposite of playing small isn't being demanding. It's being whole.This episode is for you if:— You catch yourself saying "I don't mind" when you actually do— You apologise for having needs before you've even stated them— You feel guilty for wanting more from your relationship or your dating life— You've ever "gratitude-d" yourself into silence🎧 New episodes every Sunday. Follow Love Inside Out wherever you listen.💬 Got a story about playing small? Share it with me on Instagram @adele_thecoach

Why do we perform in our most intimate relationships? This episode unpacks where the belief that love must be earned comes from—and how to finally step off the treadmill.In this episode, we explore The Performance Trap: that exhausting pattern of monitoring yourself, proving your worth, and secretly fearing that if you stop performing, you'll lose their love.You'll learn:→ The difference between effort (authentic) and performance (an audition)→ 5 sources that taught us love must be earned—from childhood conditioning to social media→ The Treadmill vs. Home metaphor: why couples often play completely different games→ How women and men perform differently in relationships→ The real cost of constant performance—and how to break the cycle→ Practical "Heart Work" exercises to reconnect with your authentic self

New year, new pressure to fix everything—including your relationship. But what if the real problem isn't the argument about who forgot to defrost the chicken? It's the pattern underneath.This episode gets practical. We talk about stress signatures, the myth of quality time, and why most relationship tension has nothing to do with your relationship. You'll get actual scripts to defuse arguments before they explode, five small rules that protect you both when life gets heavy, and one slightly embarrassing stress release involving a ball pit.For anyone juggling work, responsibilities, and trying to keep a relationship feeling alive—this one's for you.

You can't miss this episode

When most of us think about love, we're not really thinking about what we need. We're thinking about society's script and timeline.So when I ask, "Are you where you want to be in love?"—I'm not asking whether you've ticked the right boxes.I'm asking something deeper.Do you feel fulfilled? Do you feel alive in your relationship—or, if you are single, do you feel in charge in your search for a partner?Not comfortable. Not fine. Not "it could be worse." Genuinely fulfilled.This episode will give you insights and a new perspective to (attempt to) answer such a complex questions. Here is what to expect:00:00 Assessing your romantic fulfillment01:34 The Croissant metaphor: value in relationships05:40 Seasons vs. patterns in relationships09:11 Understanding relationship dynamics10:59 A four-step framework for relationship improvement14:12 Self-assessment questions for relationship clarity

Dreading those awkward questions at the dinner table? Whether you're bringing a partner home, navigating the holidays single, or stuck in situationship limbo—this episode is your survival guide.We explore:→ Why family gatherings trigger old patterns→ The loyalty bind when partner meets family→ How to handle the "still single?" comments→ Setting boundaries without guilt→ Breaking free from childhood roles→ The year-end comparison trap (and how to escape it)→ 6 common holiday relationship flashpoints→ Why you regress around family (and what to do about it)→ Creating a united front with your partner→ The power of chosen family→ Responding as your adult self, not your wounded childPlus: practical tools and reflection questions to protect your peace and your relationship this season.

What if your beliefs about love are actually keeping you from having it?We all carry stories about what relationships should look like—from romantic movies, our parents' marriage, or that person who broke our heart years ago. These love narratives are not always true.This episode unpacks the most damaging relationship myths: that love should be effortless, that passion inevitably fades, that conflict means incompatibility. You'll learn:Where your relationship expectations actually come fromCommon romance myths that sabotage modern relationshipsHow to spot self-deception in your love lifeThe difference between healthy and toxic relationship beliefsPerfect for anyone questioning their relationship patterns, struggling with dating, or wondering why love feels harder than it should.Start here—because everything begins with the stories we've internalised.PodcasterCiao, I'm Adele—coach and curious human.Welcome to Love Inside Out—where we talk about love as it actually is. Messy. Complicated. Worth it.Whether you're in a relationship, newly single, or somewhere in between—I'm glad you're here. Let's begin. ...#RelationshipAdvice #DatingTips #LoveMyths #HealthyRelationships #ModernDating