No One Ever Told Me

The notion that it takes a village has become a euphemism for ‘parenting is hard, don’t go at it alone’. And it’s truer today more than ever. But it doesn’t just take a village or tribe to raise a child, it takes a village to raise a mother. It’s time for us to rebuild the village.

It takes courage to look at all the dark unexamined places within yourself. But no one gets a free pass in life from dealing with themselves. Ignorance isn’t bliss, it’s an unexamined life.

It takes effort to feel mentally stimulated in motherhood. It takes effort to connect with other mothers in the community who may be on a similar path. It takes effort not to get sucked up in what can feel like groundhog day of the same routine. We’re willing to put that effort into our careers, so why not do so for our role as mothers?

So many of us are searching for partners, with long lists of criteria that need to be filled in order for us to give them a second glance on a dating app. But few of us would put ‘loves conditionally’ at the top of the list. And maybe it’s time we start doing so.

Being busy is a mindset, not a state of being. More often than not, busy-ness means we aren’t being present in the in-between moments of our lives. Busy doesn’t mean fulfilled. It doesn’t mean important, purposeful, or productive. It means our lives are frenetic, lacking thoughtful contemplation and consideration of how we spend our time. And it can be difficult to actively avoid this tempo of modern life. No one ever told me it’s time to switch off.

We live in a culture that continually chases happiness  and as a result, we are destined for a life of disappointment. This eternal chase is a type of toxic positivity that is burrowing deep into our minds and preventing us from pursuing lives worth living. I’m not happy in my relationship so I’ll leave it. I'm not happy as a parent so I’ll drown my sorrows in alcohol and pharmaceuticals. I’m not happy at work so I’ll continuously job hop instead of doing the inner exploration to find out what my soul’s true calling is. Happiness is not a destination, it is a fleeting feeling that punctuates a purposeful life. And we should view it as that.

Motherhood doesn't have to strip us of our identity. If our identities are tied up with the activities we enjoyed in everyday life pre-babies, then perhaps we haven’t explored ourselves deeply enough. Never is there a more important time than in our youth to heed Socrates’ advice to ‘Know thyself’. Are we telling women they should want to maintain their youth, despite the physical and emotional transition that motherhood requires? It’s time we put greater emphasis on supporting women through the portal of motherhood, allowing them to find comfort in shedding a layer of identity to reveal an inner truth and an expanded version of themselves they can now access. 

Our day-to-day is filled with the types of conveniences that are supposed to make life easier, more time efficient. We have delivery services and on-demand for absolutely everything: lunch, alcohol, toilet paper, entertainment, the list goes on. Even romance is available at the click of a button. We date at the swipe of a button, we order our groceries and meals via apps with faceless drivers, and watch our movies at home instead of in theatres with other people. Our convenience culture has stripped us of the parts of life that help us to flourish as human beings: living our lives outside, face to face in communities, providing one another with goods and services that are locally sourced and made.

I recently caught up with a friend I hadn’t seen since having my son. Once we got to the topic of my decision to stay at home with my son instead of returning to work there was a congratulatory smile, an inquisitive look, and a question I’m sure a lot of mums get asked…  So what do you do with all your free time? The truth is we are born on this beautiful Earth, incarnate in miraculous bodies of flesh and blood, and none of us actually has free time. All time has a price and it is our duty to do things that are worthwhile with it.

In a world where masculinity is labelled as ‘toxic’ and we are simultaneously encouraging women to be assertive, dominant and outspoken yet empathetic, sensitive and humble, I can only imagine the confusion that children growing up today must be experiencing. If a man is outspoken he is oppressive, if a woman is outspoken she’s a girl boss. If a man is assertive he is controlling, if a woman is assertive she is ‘standing in her power’. If a man is humble he is praised, if a woman is humble she is oppressed by the patriarchy. And yet we want men and women to be equal. No one ever told me it’s okay to want a relationship in which we fall into stereotypical gender roles. That these roles exist because as women and men we have natural tendencies that lead us to being the nurturer, the provider, the home maker or the protector. Masculinity is in fact not toxic, it is necessary, wanted, and a beautiful part of the interwoven dance between man and woman that we seem to have little interest in these days. 

So much of the modern wave of feminism is about tearing down the patriarchy, antagonising men for being historically oppressive, and oftentimes (in my experience), being loud, brash and entitled about being a woman. I wish we lived in a time where masculinity and femininity were celebrated equally for being biologically, socially, and spiritually critical components to life. I wish we didn’t have to put men down to raise women up. I wish we didn’t have to be loud and arrogant about being a woman, in order to feel powerful. I wish we understood the innate power we hold as women, who are able to nurture, birth children, create community and stable homes for growing minds. I wish we knew that saying this doesn’t mean we can’t also have a fulfilling career, earn money, play sport, and do all the things that people automatically assume is missing from historical views of womanhood. No one ever told me this would be a contrarian view.

Listen to any podcast on parenting or read any article in mainstream publications about being a woman and you will hear a consistent theme: women have it tough. We have to carry the burden of reproductive responsibility, the physical toll of pregnancy and childbirth, and the mental load of family life. No one ever told me we feel this way because we aren’t placing enough value on ourselves; on the beautiful complexities of being a woman. We need to stop looking at the biology of reproduction and child rearing as a burden, and start valuing it again for the beauty and transformation it brings to the world. Pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood aren’t the only ways we can experience womanhood in all its glory, but they’re pretty damn important aspects of being a woman and we ought to revive our respect for them.

When preparing to go on maternity leave I naively assumed I would be ready to go back to work after six months. I thought I would relish the opportunity to ‘use my brain again’ as I heard so many women before me declare with confidence. The minute my son arrived I knew that six months was never going to be enough. I surprised myself in how utterly content I was being a mother, and I’m trying to understand why no one ever told me that it could be this much fun. When I first made the decision to take time off from my career to focus on family life I felt guilty. What an odd feeling to have to do the most important thing I can with my time in this phase of life. I found myself reflecting on the fact that as a society we pay lip service to stay at home mothers and congratulate them for ‘doing the most important job’. But do we really place that much value on them? If we did, our culture would reflect it. No one ever told me that deciding to put my career on pause would be the easiest decision I’d ever make.

Welcome to No One Ever Told Me. It's really nice to have you here. I’m Paige, a new mum, a former corporate career woman, and an individual on a quest to understand the way our culture is evolving. Over the last few years I’ve found myself drifting away from the mainstream narrative about what it means to be a modern woman: career driven, hyper-sexual, empowered feminists, who are independent ‘girl bosses’ that can have it all. It doesn’t feel right to me anymore, particularly as a new mother. So I’m on a journey to interrogate all the things that no one ever told me. I’m interested in the way our mainstream culture is changing (and not necessarily for the better), in religion and spirituality, womanhood, motherhood and where or how career fits in. You may disagree with some of my views, and I welcome that! I sincerely think it is now more important than ever for us to be able to disagree with one another in respectful, productive ways. Equally as important is for those of us who don’t see ourselves reflected in the way society is headed to feel okay to say, hang on, that doesn’t feel right to me, without fear of being ostracized. So join me as I explore the things that no one ever told me. Because maybe no one ever told you either.