Podcation Official Podcast

As part of the 2019 Sound Education Conference, the Podcation team ran a custom interactive workshop where participants wrote, performed and recorded an original, educational podcast episode based on the roles of Cambridge and Boston in the American Revolutionary War.  Over this three-hour workshop, the 12 person team of individuals (novice-intermediate), using Podcation-crafted resources and methodology, worked together to produce a 5-10 minute podcast episode. The final product is a lighthearted educational segment that follows a format derived from NPR’s Up First podcast series. Episode Script Podcation Presents18 Burnside StSalem, MA 01970(619) [email protected] PRODUCTION SCRIPTOctober 10, 2019© 2019 PYD.StudioAll rights reserved.patrick@ Model: Up First Cast: Kala Campbell as Agnes Johnsmith Adela Mizrachi as Henrietta Longbottom Gulsin Harmen as April O’Neil Elaine Vitone as Abigail Winston Mike Frudakis as Jed Johnsmith Jane Reed as Black Bear Dan Bennett as Samuel Davis Dan Bennett as and King George Chris O’Keeffe – Sponsor Vocals PRODUCTION NOTE: SECTION 1: SHOW INTRODUCTION SCENE: INT. A NEWS ROOM – 8 AM – 2 JOURNALISTS ARE REPORTING THE DAY’S MOST IMPORTANT STORIES FOR THE MORNING NEWS SOUND CUE: INTRO MUSIC PLAYS THE INTRO MUSIC FOR THE NEWS PROGRAM PLAYS “TRIP TO COLONIAL WILLIAMSBURG” AGNES JOHNSMITH Hello and welcome to Good ‘Morrow Cantabrigeans, Today is Wednesday April 26th and I’m Agnes Johnsmith here with Henrietta Longbottom who will walk us through the latest breaking news. HENRIETTA LONGBOTTOM Thank you Agnes and gooooood morning colonies! It has been an eventful week. In breaking news citizens in Cambridge were foiled at the base of the Great Bridge in an effort to resist advancing Brits. SAMUEL DAVIS “We heard they were gonna come over the river to take our guns! Well not on our watch.” HENRIETTA LONGBOTTOM King George has declared a trade limit for ALL the New England colonies as well as Ireland, and the Carribean! JEB JOHNSMITH “We spoke with well-known MA beer producer and consumer Sam Adams about the Acts impact on the beer and spirits trade.” HENRIETTA LONGBOTTOM And finally, a Mahican Warrior named “Black bear” who has declared he is adding his strong support to the revolutionaries: Black Bear “When they win their independence, we will win our independence also” PRODUCTION NOTE: SECTION 2: SPONSOR READ 1 SPONSOR READER 1 Support for this podcast provided by PRX Podcast Garage- a community classroom, recording studio, and event space for audio storytellers of all experience levels by PRX. PRX is an award-winning public media company shaping the future of audio by building technology, training talented producers and connecting them with supportive listeners like you. HENRIETTA LONGBOTTOM The war ravages around lexington and concord. 10.AGNES JOHNSMITH You might be surprised but stockbridge warriors are fighting alongside militiamen. They are said to have lined up alongside battle road. HENRIETTA LONGBOTTOM CPR’s April O’Neil is on Battle Road, to give us more information on the story. April, good morning. APRIL O’NEIL Good morning Henrietta. I am here with Black Bear, a six foot tall local mohican warrior. HENRIETTA LONGBOTTOM We were surprised to hear that mohicans are joining forces with the revolutionaries. Can you give us more background on this? APRIL O’NEIL Sure. I’m standing here on the Battle Road next to Single House I can see the British are guarding their post. HENRIETTA LONGBOTTOM Can you see any militiamen around? APRIL O’NEIL No, I can’t because they are hiding. HENRIETTA LONGBOTTOM Black Bear, what role Stockbridge Mohicans are playing in this battle and why did you join? BLACK BEAR Well, Mohicans have been trading partners with the revolutionaries for years, and we’ve grown very resentful toward British practices. APRIL ONEILL And, why are you resentful? BLACK BEAR Well, they’ve burned down our homes and our crops, they have enslaved our women and they’ve stolen our land. Now, we stand side by side with the revolutionaries. HENRIETTA LONGBOTTOM Have you made any agreement with the revolutionaries? BLACK BEAR When they win their independence we will win our independence, also. HENRIETTA LONGBOTTOM That’s CPR’s April O’Neil currently on Battle Road. SOUND CUE: INTERSTITIAL MUSIC PLAYS THE INTERSTITIAL MUSIC THE NEWS PROGRAM PLAYS “CINEMATIC AMBIENT CLASSICAL” PRODUCTION NOTE: SEGMENT 2 AGNES JOHNSMITH We have news that a recent effort to thwart British reinforcements from entering Cambridge met a surprising turn. HENRIETTA LONGBOTTOM  That’s correct, Agnes. Citizens of Cambridge developed a plan but ultimately fell victim to their own passion for saving a penny. AGNES JOHNSMITH Wow, Colonial Public Radio’s Abigail Winston is on the scene. HENRIETTA LONGBOTTOM  Good morning, Abigail. ABIGAIL WINSTON Good morning. Just hours ago, 1,000 Redcoats successfully crossed the Charles River, much to the surprise of the locals. They had dismantled every single plank from the Great Bridge. ABIGAIL WINSTON With me now is Samuel Davis, a local militia member and one of the residents who took part in the plank removal. SAMUEL DAVIS We heard they were gonna come over the river to take our guns. Well, not on our watch! We figured the simplest solution was to make sure they never made it to the other side. If they needed to use a bridge, well, we’ll just take out the bridge. ABIGAIL WINSTON It was mere hours before british troops would arrive at the Great Bridge. The citizens and militia members decided to remove every plank from the bridge. AGNES JOHNSMITH Sounds like a good plan. ABIGAIL WINSTON According Samuel, the citizens wanted to be able to return the bridge back to its normal state rather than destroy it outright. SAMUEL DAVIS  Yeah, well, bridges are expensive, and wood aint cheap. I oughtta know, seeing as how I’m a cabinet maker. ABIGAIL WINSTON Unfortunately, Agenes, that penny pinching penchant was shared by the group of citizens and amplified by their hatred for British imperialism and led them to take some unfortunate shortcuts. AGNES JOHNSMITH So, the citizens were looking to save resources and time. What ultimately led this plan to fail? ABIGAIL WINSTON  Well, either due to time constraints or simply oversight—it’s not clear yet—but in any case the planks were left on the banks of the river, where the British troops were easily able to put them back, allowing them to cross the Charles, unmolested. AGNES JOHNSMITH And does this reinforce the British Empire’s longstanding idea that the colonists are too stupid and unorganized to successfully run their own country? ABIGAIL WINSTON Indeed, that’s how it’s been perceived here on the ground, where the Redcoats are rounding up every firearm in Cambridge, and laughing all the way to the armory. AGNES JOHNSMITH What’s the reaction of the colonists and militia members to this stunningly embarrassing defeat? ABIGAIL WINSTON Surprisingly, Samuel maintains an optimistic attitude. SAMUEL DAVIS Those biscuit-eaters think they’re sooooooo clever. But joke’s on them. They put the bridge back together for us! AGNES JOHNSMITH Well let’s hope whoever wins the war will put a significant investment into the education of the public. HENRIETTA LONGBOTTOM  I guess maybe you should burn your bridges. SOUND CUE: INTERSTITIAL MUSIC PLAYS THE INTERSTITIAL MUSIC THE NEWS PROGRAM PLAYS “CINEMATIC AMBIENT CLASSICAL” PRODUCTION NOTE: SEGMENT 3 HENRIETTA LONGBOTTOM From the desk of King George comes this so-called “over-reaction of epic proportions” in response to scores of colonists flouting past attempts by the Crown to tax them. –King George has declared himself the judge of New England, and every country not Great Britain is now our ex-wife, mandating a Restraining Act for all New England colonies. AGNES JOHNSMITH On March 30, 1775, the New England Restraining Act was passed in Great Britain by King George, limiting Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Connecticut, Rhode Island, and Providence to only be able to trade with Great Britain, Ireland, and the British West Indies. All other countries must maintain a distance of 50 meters at all times. HENRIETTA LONGBOTTOM But will this wild kingly act lead to obedience or uprising? Jeb Johnsmith is following this story. Jeb, good morning. JEB JOHNSMITH Good morning Miss Longbottom. HENRIETTA LONGBOTTOM Will the New England colonies be kowtowed by this outrageous law that hits them right in the pocketbooks? JEB JOHNSMITH Great question. After speaking with a number of colonists about the consequences of this act, we spoke with well-known Massachusetts beer producer and consumer Sam Adams about the Acts impact on the beer and spirits trade. He said, “Let no man thirst for good beer… or rum…  whatever.” When asked if he though his industry was being targeted, he said, “Well I guess they’re trying to put us down by restricting anything that puts you down… At this rate they’ll go after my hemp tree next.” HENRIETTA LONGBOTTOM What residents are voicing is anger over how this will affect existing relationships with colonies maybe? That’s a surprisingly coherent quote you got from Mr. Sam Adams. When did you speak with him? JEB JOHNSMITH We caught him at a rally this morning, before the bars opened. HENRIETTA LONGBOTTOM Right, well, this leads us to a lingering question — will colonies even be able to trade with each other? Additionally, is King George out of his mind. JEB JOHNSMITH Speaking of coherence, here’s a soundbite from my earlier interview with King George: KING GEORGE The colonies are mine! The taxes and the resources are mine! They have to give it to me because they’re my colonies! HENRIETTA LONGBOTTOM Boy, he sure is mad as a hatter. What will the colonists do? JEB JOHNSMITH Based on early rallies, I think we can expect a rowdy response. HENRIETTA LONGBOTTOM Will this be the Act that breaks the ox’s stride? JEB JOHNSMITH We’ll have to wait and see, though I’ve heard something might be happening at Bunker Hill. HENRIETTA LONGBOTTOM Jeb, thanks so much for the update. JEB JOHNSMITH Thank you, Mrs. longbottom. HENRIETTA LONGBOTTOM That’s Good Morrow Cantabrigian’s finest reporter, Jeb Johnsmith. AGNES JOHNSMITH And that’s it for us for this 26th day of April. HENRIETTA LONGBOTTOM I’m Henrietta Longbottom. AGNES JOHNSMITH And I’m AGNES JOHNSMITH. If you have any thoughts about these segments please send a note through your local Pastor. We will be working with Churches in all colonies, expect a response in approximately one year’s time. HENRIETTA LONGBOTTOM Follow us at your local Sunday Sermon where we will be making appearances, and look forward to hearing your opinions. God bless America. Mighty may our flag wave! SOUND CUE: ENDING MUSIC PLAYS THE ENDING MUSIC OF THE NEWS PROGRAM PLAYS PRODUCTION NOTE: CLOSING CREDITS SOUND CUE:End Credits Read Produced by Patrick Yurick, Chris O’Keeffe, Jill Rogers-Jensen, and Matt Tehaney Podblitz project design by Patrick Yurick and the Podcation team Recorded at PRX Podcast Garage engineered and mixed by Matt Tehaney Written and performed by the 2019 Sound Education Podblitz Team For more information visit www.Podcation.com

Joe pours drinks, Flynn searches for purpose, and a mysterious young woman visits Jupiter Saloon. Later, we hear the tale of the Captain Snakebait and the infamous Sidewinder Mutiny! Visit us at jupitersaloon.com for more info! Episode Transcript Intro Voice Over (Jordan): Support for this project is provided by the Estate of Dr. Jewel Plummer Cobb, whose commitment to education, science, the arts and equality lives on through her memory. Please remember to support creativity wherever you can. [spaceship flying followed by the ambient noise of its engines] Voice Over (Spaceship AI): We are now in orbit around the stormy atmosphere of Jupiter. On your left you will see IO, Jupiter’s fourth-largest moon with shuttle service daily from the planet. Make sure to see a show at the Galileo IO Pavilion. On the right you will see the Olde Europa House – talk to your drive if you’d like to schedule a tour. Please prepare for our final approach. We are now landing at the Jupiter Saloon. [theme music – “Satellite Girls” by Love like Deloreans] [saloon chatter fills the room] Joe: Welcome to the Joop – Oh, hi Flynn. Flynn: What’s good, Joe? Joe: I dunno man. Got a weird feeling about tonight. Someone’s either gonna get killed or fall in love. Wanna bet on which? Flynn: Uh…no thanks. Man. Look, Joe, I just got back from this wild trip to Zoonon. It was crazy- Joe: Yeah, you save any princesses? Flynn: Not today, man, just a freight run. But that galaxy is full of cyber pirates. Joe: Oh hey, that reminds me, this bald monk guy in a gold cloak came in, looking for you. Flynn: Are you for real? Joe: Yeah, he said something about an amulet and your destiny, or something? Flynn: Wait, really? Joe: No. Uh what are ya drinking? Flynn: Ugh. I’ll talk a pint of MARS IPA and a Hip Shot. Joe: Hey, also, please make sure you settle your tab. It’s getting really high. Flynn: Oh, hey 6 Jeffs. 6-Jeffs (all six Jeffs speak at once): Good Morrow / Hi / Well hello there / Haaay / Sup Joe: Hey 6 Jeff, what’s it gonna be? 6 Jeffs: Scotch / Eh, Tito’s Vodka / Gaslight dude / Transporter / Martini Joe: You got it. Space Bass: Yo coming through, heavy stuff. Space Bass: Man, would ya’ll get ya’ll’s asses out of my way. I’m carrying all this stuff. Don’t   ya’ll see me? Misc. Patrons: Oh, sorry / excuse me/ sorry. Joe: Thank you Space Bass. Flynn: Wow, karaoke tonight?? Joe: Yeah, you should stick around. I’m really looking forward to some of tonight’s …stellar performances. [glass breaks in the distance] Joe: Hey, Rover! Cleanup on table 15! (back to Flynn) How’s that blue gal from Neptune that you were hanging out with? Flynn: Ah man, I thought it was going really well but uh then, ya know, the other night, she tried to break my heart. For real, she tried to stick hand in my chest cavity and rip my heart out. It was real rough. Joe: Yep, that’s what they do. Flynn:  I guess I’m back on the market. [overheard from afar, phasers chatting and approaching the bar] Phaser Quartzney: So like, I think Phase Queen took so much time between albums because she was getting work done …like, maybe a noses job. Phaser Yelly: (gasp) I love Teenage Andromeda. That song get me through my last supernova… Joe: (to himself) oh boy, here we go… Flynn: Hey Joe, are these girls here for like, karaoke or something?   Joe: No, they are phasers. Flynn: Joe, what’s a phaser? Joe: You know Phase Queen? Flynn: Yeah, I know who Phase Queen is. Joe: Yeah, well, she’s playing a moon show up at the IO Pavilion tonight. And all of her fans are pregaming. Here. Buckle up, buddy. Flynn: Ugh. Phaser Quartzney: Woah, this bar is… eclectic. Phaser Yelly: Quartzney, how did you know about this place? Joe: Uh, what can I get you guys? Phaser Quartzney: Um, wait, (to Phaser Yelly) what are you having? Phaser Yelly: I was thinking a cosmic soda. I’m on BLACKHOLE30, so like, nothing processed for me because I really need to reset my gravitational pull. Phaser Quartzney: Oh, for sure. Uh hey, do you have sentient water? Joe. No. 6 Jeffs: Ladies (x6) Phaser Yelly: Umm… what are you? Flynn: (brightly) Oh, that’s 6 Jeffs – he’s made up of six guys named Jeff …yeah, I don’t understand it either. Phasers Quartzney: That’s weird. (to Joe) Um, do you take Interorbital express? Joe: We are crypto only. Phaser Yelly: Wow, Jupiter really is an emerging planet. Flynn: You know, you can pay in a good story, too! Joe: No …no, don’t. Phaser Quartzney: A what? Flynn: It’s a bar policy. Joe: Shut up Flynn. Phaser Yelly – Oh, oh, I know. Uh, tell him about Cindy’s bachelorette party. Phaser Quartzney: Oh, that one that turned into a pan dimensional rager? Phaser Yelly: Oh my gosh! Joe: You guys listen. You know it sounds like a wonderful story. Tonight is Karaoke night. No stories on Karaoke night. I can only accept Crypto. Phaser Yelly: Ugh. Where’s the bathrooms? Joe: All the way in the back. Blue door on the left. Do not go in the red door. The space chimps are playing poker in there, and they do not like to be disturbed. Phaser Yelly: Will you come with me? Phaser Quartzney: Absolutely, this place is a dive. Flynn: Man, Jupiter has changed. Rover: [*beep, boops, something*] Joe: Who, those two? Rover: [*beep, boops, something*] Joe: You don’t want to mess with girls like that, buddy. They like bad boys. Rover: [*beep, boops, growl*] Joe: No, you’re not. Rover: [sad rover *whirrrs* away] Flynn: Look Joe, I gotta tell you, I gotta get outta here, man, like I can’t do this Jupiter thing anymore. I gotta get up to Pluto. The works better there. There’s nothing here for me. There’s nothing here for me — woah… Joe, who is that? Joe: I don’t know, but she’s walking this way and she’s not from around here. Flynn: I mean, Joe, look at her …her eyes …her legs …her noses… Joe: Hey there. How can I help you? Tonya: You can start by turning off. This. Goddamn. Song. Joe: Yeah, no problem. ROVER. Kill the music. Tonya: Thank you. Joe:  Alright, what’s it going to be? Tonya: What’s the strongest thing you have? Joe: Well, let’s see here. The Red Spots are a local speciality. Nope? The Mode isn’t bad either. It’s what most people are having. Tonya: Is the Schrodinger any good? Joe: It is and isn’t. Tonya: I’ll just have Tito’s on the rocks. Flynn: Oh, hi there. My name’s Flynn. Tonya: Hey. [Flynn clears throat] Tonya: [awkward silence] Flynn: So, uh, yeah what brings you to the Jupiter Saloon? Yeah, The Ol’ Loon… The Jupe… Tonya: Are you lost or something?? Flynn: Well, m’am, a space faring wanderer like myself is never lost. I just go wherever the solar winds take me. And, um, actually wait, do I know you… Have we met before? Tonya: -so, you get lost professionally? Flynn: Well, kinda! Actually, yeah. Tonya: Could ya… get lost now? [Phaser Kelly and Phaser Quartzney return from the bathroom] Phaser Quartzney: Oh my god, Kelly, I was reading this article in Uranus Weekly about how your constellations are about to align. Phaser Yelly: I know, I am like vibing right now. Phaser Quartzney: The light of the universe shining off of your face. Tonya: (hisses under her breath) Oh quick, give me your hat. Flynn: What? Oh, uh. Tonya: Just give it to me. Flynn: Here! 6 Jeffs: Goodbye / Come again / Catch ya later / Ciao! Phaser Quartzney: So… weird. To have six of them. [The Phasers leave the saloon] Tonya: Are they gone now? Flynn: Yeah, looks like. Uh, why are you hiding from these people? I mean, uh, I get it, hiding’s awesome. Why wouldn’t you want to hide? It’s like my favorite thing to do. I wouldn’t what to hang out with a bunch of Phasers too. Tonya: Here’s your hat back. Thanks. Flynn: No problem. Owning a hat in a time of crisis is just one of my many talents. Tonya: (grudging laugh) I’m… Tonya. So. Finn? What does a professionally lost guy do? Flynn: Oh well, it is Flynn! But uh, call me whatever! What even are names? So, yeah, what I do, I go wherever adventure takes me. Are you sure I don’t know you? Tonya: I really don’t know where our paths would have crossed. Flynn: Hey, can I get you a drink? Tonya: Sure… I’ll take a Multidimensional Sapphire. Straight. Flynn: Mmm! Joe: Top shelf, eh? Flynn: (high-pitched) Yep, top shelf. Joe, give my new friend here on Multidimensional Sapphire. Straight. [glasses clinking] Joe: Two Multidimensional Sapphires coming up. Flynn: Just the one, Joe, just the one. Joe: Okay. Tonya: So, you’re a regular here? Flynn: I mean, I like to kill some downtime between jobs here. I got a busy schedule. I’m a busy guy. Joe: Flynn, your crypto chip is bouncing. What’s your sector code? Are you still living in the sleep drawer by the reactor. Flynn: It’s an executive slumber pod. It’s pretty common on Mars. Ya know? How’s your drink? Tonya: Sleep drawer, ey? I mean, that sounds cozy! Joe: Hey, Flynn. Seriously, you crypto chip didn’t clear again. Flynn: Okay, well, huh that’s odd. Must be an old one. I must have accidentally grabbed an old wallet. Well, you know if it didn’t clear, I guess it’s time to evoke my formidable skills at a talker. Joe: No, don’t do this. Flynn: Per the policy of the Jupiter Saloon, I will pay my tab with a good story. Joe: Good new story? Flynn, I’ve heard all of your stories. Flynn: I ever tell you about the time with the space whales? Joe: At least, twice. Flynn: What about the time with the Sun Princess? Joe: I told you that story. Flynn: So, this one time, I was in a Galaxy Far Far Away- Joe: That’s a movie. Do you have another card? Tonya: I wanna hear a story! Flynn: Okay. So I was saving this one for a really, really important- Joe: (snapping) Flynn! Let’s go. Flynn: (very fast) I saved Snakebait during the Sidewinder Mutiny. [chatter around the saloon silences. Gasps can be heard from the patrons] Joe: You saved Snakebait from the Sidewinder Mutiny. Flynn: Uh huh. Joe: No, you didn’t. [the chatter around the saloon resumes] Flynn: I did! I swear on my ship. Joe: You don’t have a ship. Flynn: So you don’t want to hear the story? Joe: Okay, why haven’t you ever told this story? Flynn: Because if I tell anyone, they’ll kill me. But uh, great listeners deserve great stories. Tonya: That’s true. Joe: Alright, let’s have it, but if it’s not good, I’m not gonna be happy. Flynn: So… there I was aboard the Sidewinder… [scene transition sound] Voiceover: Jupiter Saloon will be right back after a word from our sponsors. This episode of Jupiter Saloon is brought to you by SquareDspace. Is your planetary business overcrowded? With SquareDspace’s simple drag and drop tool, we can drag and drop your business in the middle of space. Because, there’s plenty of space – in space! You’ll never need to worry about rent, neighbors, or pesky oxygen again! Head to SquareDspace.joop for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch into space, use offer code JOOP to get 10 crypto chips off your first Solar Cycle or domain. SqaureDspace – build it, spacious. Story B1 [The ambient sound of a starship fades in] Flynn: (narrating) So… there I was aboard the Sidewinder… with the legendary Captain Snakebait, my best friend. His Second in Command, Quintilis Dilapida. And her two cronies: Lieutenant Zuzz and Becky of Venus. We were just coming back from another thrilling adventure. [the Sidewinder drops out of warp] Snakebait: Hahaha! Another narrow escape! Dilapida: All thanks to your brilliance, Captain Snakebait. Snakebait: That’s right Dilapida, you can put that in a bag and take it to the space bank. But make sure you tell the teller of the space bank you’re starting a gravitational savings account, because the interest rates- Dilapida: YES, Captain. We can always count on you. Snakebait: Damn straight. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to do Kentrellion Dark Matter Pushups. These abs don’t sculpt themselves. [Snakebait walks out of the bridge. A door swooshes mechanically, open and shut] Becky of Venus: What’s a dark matter pushup? Dilapida: Don’t kid yourself, he’s probably off taking a nap. God, I hate that man. Zuzz! Becky of Venus, is everything in place? Becky of Venus: Yes! Zuzz: AFFIRMATIVE! Becky of Venus: I’m securing the systems now. Dilapida: Perfect. I’ll get him down to airlock two, and as soon as I give you the signal, you know what to do. Becky of Venus: I do? Dilapida: Yes. Becky of Venus: I don’t. Dilapida: Yes, you do. We went over the plan this morning. Becky of Venus: I have literally no recollection of that. Dilapida: How can you have no recollection of this! We’ve been planning this mutiny for months! You just secured the systems! Becky of Venus: MMMM… Disagree to agree. Dilapida: Forget it! I’ll do it myself. Zuzz: Let’s get ‘em! Dilapida: You two just… stay here. …Don’t touch anything …try to remember how to breathe. [Dilapida walks out, the door shuts behind her] Dilapida: (from airlock two) Captain! Captain! We need you down in airlock two. Captain to airlock two. [Snakebait runs to airlock two] Snakebait: (opening the door, yawning) Damnit Dilapida, what’s going on? You know your Captain gets cranky if he doesn’t finish his pushups. Dilapida: I’m sorry sir, but this simply couldn’t wait! But there’s been a mutiny! Snakebait: What?! When? Dilapida: Right now. [The door hisses shut] Computer Voice: Airlock sealed. Snakebait: (from behind door) Dilapida! Dilapida, what are you doing? Dilapida: Something I should have done a long time ago. Computer Voice: Depressurizing cargo bay. Snakebite: (In background) You’ll pay for this, Dilapida! I swear it! The crows of justice will come home to roost! And they will be hungry! Because the crow keeper of justice forgot to feed them last night, because he had a huge fight with his girlfriend because he spends more time with the crowds of justice than he spends with her! But she doesn’t understand, that the crows of justice aren’t a hobby, it’s a lifestyle, and the crow keeper- Dilapida: Enough! My God! If I had a credit for every time I’ve heard the crowds of justice speed, I’d be rich enough to have my own ship. Then again… now I do. (sighs contentedly) Goodbye Captain. It’s been…. awful. Snakebait: Dilapida, wait! Please. What about all the good times we’ve had? Dilapida: Oddly enough… I can’t remember any. [Dilapida hits a few buttons, the doors whoosh open, SUCKING. Snakebait YELPS at he is blasted out into space] [Cut to Dilapida addressing her new crew] Dilapida: And so it was that our brave, and valiant Captain Snakebait, was blasted into the cold, unforgiving, void. Where he instantly froze, suffocated, and, I assume, exploded. [champagne bottle pops] Dilapida: Cheers to your new captain. Zuzz and Becky of Venus: CHEERS! [glass clink] [whoosh back to the saloon] Tonya: Wait, so he just dies? When do you even come into this story…? Flynn: Just wait for it …the best part is coming up. Another drink, Joe? Space Bass: (From the Karaoke stage) Okay folks, welcome to Karaoke night, yet again, at the Jupiter Saloon. We’re going to open up the sign up list now, so yeah, sign up. Okay? Thanks. Tonya: How did you not even notice there was a mutiny on the ship?! Flynn: Nobody tells me anything! Where was I… So Dilapida and her cronies were busy celebrating. Meanwhile, I was downstairs… [whoosh back to the Sidewinder, where Flynn is cleaning the cryo-storage chamber] Flynn: I hate cleaning out the cryo-freezers. We never even use them, they just collect ice! [a loud knocking comes from outside the spaceship] Flynn: Is that… knocking? (gasp!) It’s Captain Snakebait! What are you doing out there!?Don’t worry Captain, I’ll save you! Computer Voice: Closing outer doors …depressuring cargo bay …opening interior doors. [the doors whoosh open] Snakebait: (teeth chattering) Thanks kid! It’s freezing out there. These power gams like to stay toasty. Flynn: You were outside the ship! You were literally floating in the vacuum of space, how the hell are you alive right now? Snakebait: Let me cut you in on a secret, kid. Real men don’t vacuum. Flynn: That’s super sexist! Snakebait: I know you. You’re Flynn, Flynn the janitor. There’s a mutiny aboard the Sidewinder, Flynn. All the crew has turned against me. But not you, not good ol’ janitor Flynn. Flynn: Oh well, uh yeah, there was a mutiny? Snakebait: That’s right! A dirty mutiny. And now it’s time to clean up this ship. [Flynn activates the defroster] Snakebait: Oh no, no, no. I’m gonna go into a low gravity, high stakes action packed, blazing gun battle. I want YOU to get on a shuttle and get the hell out of here. Flynn: But, I can help… Snakebait: Now, now, now, Flynn, where does the Mop of Forbearance stay? Flynn: (begrudgingly) In the Crow House of Justice. Snakebait: And how do we maintain the Crow House of Justice? Flynn: Through wise investments in gravitational savings accounts but aren’t you supposed to- Snakebait: No questions, boy. There’s a mutiny. I must fly. This is too dangerous for you. Get on an escape pod and get off this ship. And maybe, someday, somewhere in this crazy universe, you and I will meet again and drink deeply together from the margarita of victory. [Snakebite walks off, the door opens] Snakebait: Hey, kid. Flynn: (desperately hopeful)Yes, Captain? Snakebait: Before you go, make sure you hit the bathroom on gamma deck. Evil has been done there too, if you know what I mean. [the doors whoosh shut] Flynn: …ew. [whoosh] Becky of Venus: Captain Dilapida! I just saw Snakebait on the delta floor security cameras. He’s heading up to the bridge! Dilapida: Impossible! He can’t have survived! Becky of Venus: He’s with the janitor! I saw him let him in! Dilapida: Who? Oh! Florn the Janitor! We’ll kill them both. No one can know about this. Zuzz! Becky of Venus! Go, prep the shuttle. Find that janitor. We’ll fire his useless ass into the nearest star! Let’s see him survive THAT! Zuzz: YUP! Becky of Venus: What about Snakebait? Dilapida: You leave Snakebait to me. When you’ve finished with the janitor Flen, both of you meet up in the cargo hold and secure the Empathic Sub-Routine Amplifier for transport. Once we make that delivery, it’s the Margarita Planet of Zylon 3 for all of us! Becky of Venus: Yes Captain! Come on, Zuzz! Zuzz: Comin’! [Becky of Venus and Zuzz run off] [Crash! Part of the ceiling comes down. Snakebait jumps down from the air vent] Snakebait: Quintilus Dilapida, you know DAMN WELL, margaritas are only for winners! Dilapida: Snakebait! How did you get in the ceiling?! Snakebait: Just as the Crowds of Justice knows no bounds, a true Captain knows his ship. [Snakebait fires his blinker. Dilapida dodges] Snakebait: It’s no use! Give up now, Dilapida! I’m Captain Snakebait! I could out-duel you with one eye closed, and both hands tied behind my back! Watch this! [More laser blasts are fired] Snakebait: HAHA! Oh… OH! OH GOD YOU’RE FAST! …No! Please! Stop kicking me! (panting) MAYDAY! MAYDAY! CAPTAIN DOWN! Damn… those are some power gams! Have you been hitting the laser gym? Dilapida: As a matter of fact I have! I didn’t think you’d noticed! Snakebait: It shows! What machine do you use? Dilapida: Actually, I’ve been switching between the helio-bench press and the plasmic inductive (catching herself) THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT! [Several kicks and punches ring out. Snakebait’s gun slides across the deck. Dilapida preps her blinker] Dilapida: I’ve waited so long for this. The best to kill a man is to do it yourself. Snakebait: Last chance, Dilapida. Put that blinker down before I make you wear it. Dilapida: That sounds …complicated. There are easier ways to get a woman undressed, but unfortunately for you, we haven’t the time. Snakebait: You’ll never get away with this. Dilapida: Can it, Snakebait. [She fires the phaser] Snakebait: No! No! AAAAAAAAH! [Snakebait yelps as Dilapida fires her phasers] [whoosh] Flynn: And that’s the story of how I, Flynn, saved Snakebait. Tonya: What are you talking about? She still murdered him! If anything, you sent him to his death! Flynn: No! I was instrumental in his attempt to retake the ship! And you haven’t even heard about my daring escape from the Sidewinder, and Dilpida’s crew! Tonya: HAHAHAH you didn’t …even… hahaha…you just opened a door… ahaha…you’re just a nobody! You didn’t do anything! He still died! Flynn: Hey, you weren’t listening. I saved him before he died. And then I jumped on the run and left there and have been on the run since… Tonya: (catching breath) That’s great. …it’s great. Really! Flynn: Hey… like… Space Bass: (from the stage) Hey folks, one last call for Karaoke night is Rover. He’ll be singing “Just a Phase” by …errr… Phase Queen. [there’s scattered applause. Rover “sings” (whirrs) sweetly] Tonya: (groaning) Oh god, not this song.] Flynn: Wait. That’s it! That’s how I know you. You’re Phase Queen! Tonya: Shhh, keep it down, will you? Okay, look, you wanna know the story? Joe – can we get one more round? [Joe pours the drink] Tonya: It’s exhausting. 72 concerts across 8 dimensions. I can’t go anywhere without the tabloids snapping pictures of me… and making up these nasty headlines about my noses jobs. I only had one and that’s because I had a deviated septum. (sigh) And no one actually knows me… I have an interdimensional law degree. From Space Harvard! Flynn: Woah. Tonya: Not that any phaser would care… Honestly, I’d kill to be a nobody. Wandering the universe, allowed to be lost… anyways, I heard this is the place to come to be a nobody… I don’t have any stories, though, so he’s my crypto chip. [a drink slides across the bar] Joe: Hey, this one’s on the house. Tonya: Let me get his tab. That was a good story. Flynn: Oh ….thanks. Joe: Hey, 6 Jeffs, I’ll close you at too. How you paying? 6 Jeffs: I got this / Let’s split it six ways / put it on my tab. [lots of footsteps can be heard leaving] Tonya: Hey, nice meeting you guys. Maybe I’ll come back sometime, and, be nobody’s together again. [Tonya gets up from the bar and walks away] Flynn: Man, I really hope we see her again. Joe: It’s a big universe Flynn, but ya never know. Flynn: If I’m gonna be a nobody, I’d be a nobody for her. Joe: I think somebody fell in love. Hey, ROVER! You owe me ten cryptos! Rover: [sad *whirring*] Joe: Last Call! Everybody, last call! [Footsteps walk over towards Flynn] Snakebait: Haha, not so fast. That was some story kid. But you missed a thing or two. Flynn: (gasps) Snakebait! I-…how- Snakebait: You’re a tough space janitor to find, Flynn. But you didn’t clean up your tracks half as well as you thought. Joe: Hey, uh, we’re closing up. What are you having? Snakebait: I think I’ll have margarita. And then, let’s go get my ship back. [theme music] Credits Jupiter Saloon is a Podcation Production. This episode was directed by Thierry Denis and Zach Mack Written by Rachel Beck Grace Hawkins Chris O’Keeffe Jordan Cobb Patrick Yurick Kevin Carranza Zach Mack. Script Supervisor Grace Hawkins. Performed by Grace Hawkins Jordan Cobb Kevin Carranza Robert Guerra Rachel Beck Karyn Keene Mary Nichols Chris O’Keeffe John Bosselman Produced by: Patrick Yurick Thierry Denis Zach Mack Dan Tureck Additional production & sound design by Mary Nichols Assistant Producer Karyn Keene Recorded by Jeff Litzman. Mixed and mastered by Dan Tureck ([email protected]) Music supervision by YouTooCanWoo out of Brooklyn, NY. Main theme “Satellite Girls” by Love like Deloreans. Written by Derek Muro, Lorna Krier and Peter Pearson. Many Additional tracks you heard in this episode provided by YouTooCanWoo (www.youtoocanwoo.com). “Subatomic Gin and Tonic” and “Big Dumb Rock” written and performed by Kevin Rheault. Sound effects provided by Jeff Litzman & Dan Tureck Further Sound Effect Credits Bar stool slide – Pro Sounds Effects Sci-fi beep – Berlin Atmospheres Sound Effects Fighting sound effects – “Best free fighting sound effects” – Jeffrey Griffith Gun noises – “free best future gun sounds” – Isolation Music Body fall sound effect – Berlin Atmospheres Sound Effects Bullet impact – Bullet impact sound replacement Coin drop – Coin drop royalty free FX – Audioman5000 Cork pop – Creative commons license – “allsounds” Footsteps – “Royalty free SFX” – Royalty King Whoosh transition – “Free Whoosh Transition” – FilmVentureStudios Crowd cheer – “Royalty free crowd SFX” – Royalty King Power charge sound effect – “Creative commons license – Allsounds Walking on metal SFX – Berlin Atmospheres Sound Effects Technical support provided by Helium films, USA (heliumfilms.us) Podcation oversight by Chris O’Keeffe Co-Founder & Head of Narrative Patrick Yurick Co-Founder & Head of Production Allen Finn Strategic Partnerships Visit us at www.2.podcation.com to learn more Press kit available at www.2.podcation.com Special Thanks Chris & Patrick would like to thank: Our families, especially Angela Belleville & Kay Flewelling. Zach Abramson, Lea Wülferth & Deidre Muro from YouTooCanWoo Jake Brennan from Disgraceland Josh Rae & Ma’ayan Plaut from Radio Public Nicole Portwood at Tito’s Handmade Vodka Sarah Beth Smith, Marina Feole & Alicia Whatki Sarah Golding from Audio Drama Production Podcast The Ringer and Gimlet for allowing us to borrow some of their team members The audio drama community and the writers that write about it, including: Bello Collective, Elena Fernandez Collins, Wil Williams, and Alex at Audiodramarama Andy from Inebriart Duane and Erin Flewelling for getting us all of our supplies and providing a warm home when we needed an extra room. Planet Apparel for helping us get amazing shirts at the last minute for a great price. Chris would like to thank: Chris Abell, Andrew Buonfiglio, Jenna Lovely, Brady Sadler, and Mike Addonizio. Joe pours drinks, Flynn searches for purpose, and a mysterious young woman visits Jupiter Saloon. Later, we hear the tale of the Captain Snakebait and the infamous Sidewinder Mutiny! Visit us at jupitersaloon.com for more info! Episode Transcript Intro Voice Over (Jordan): Support for this project is provided by the Estate of Dr. Jewel Plummer Cobb, whose commitment to education, science, the arts and equality lives on through her memory. Please remember to support creativity wherever you can. [spaceship flying followed by the ambient noise of its engines] Voice Over (Spaceship AI): We are now in orbit around the stormy atmosphere of Jupiter. On your left you will see IO, Jupiter’s fourth-largest moon with shuttle service daily from the planet. Make sure to see a show at the Galileo IO Pavilion. On the right you will see the Olde Europa House – talk to your drive if you’d like to schedule a tour. Please prepare for our final approach. We are now landing at the Jupiter Saloon. [theme music – “Satellite Girls” by Love like Deloreans] [saloon chatter fills the room] Joe: Welcome to the Joop – Oh, hi Flynn. Flynn: What’s good, Joe? Joe: I dunno man. Got a weird feeling about tonight. Someone’s either gonna get killed or fall in love. Wanna bet on which? Flynn: Uh…no thanks. Man. Look, Joe, I just got back from this wild trip to Zoonon. It was crazy- Joe: Yeah, you save any princesses? Flynn: Not today, man, just a freight run. But that galaxy is full of cyber pirates. Joe: Oh hey, that reminds me, this bald monk guy in a gold cloak came in, looking for you. Flynn: Are you for real? Joe: Yeah, he said something about an amulet and your destiny, or something? Flynn: Wait, really? Joe: No. Uh what are ya drinking? Flynn: Ugh. I’ll talk a pint of MARS IPA and a Hip Shot. Joe: Hey, also, please make sure you settle your tab. It’s getting really high. Flynn: Oh, hey 6 Jeffs. 6-Jeffs (all six Jeffs speak at once): Good Morrow / Hi / Well hello there / Haaay / Sup Joe: Hey 6 Jeff, what’s it gonna be? 6 Jeffs: Scotch / Eh, Tito’s Vodka / Gaslight dude / Transporter / Martini Joe: You got it. Space Bass: Yo coming through, heavy stuff. Space Bass: Man, would ya’ll get ya’ll’s asses out of my way. I’m carrying all this stuff. Don’t   ya’ll see me? Misc. Patrons: Oh, sorry / excuse me/ sorry. Joe: Thank you Space Bass. Flynn: Wow, karaoke tonight?? Joe: Yeah, you should stick around. I’m really looking forward to some of tonight’s …stellar performances. [glass breaks in the distance] Joe: Hey, Rover! Cleanup on table 15! (back to Flynn) How’s that blue gal from Neptune that you were hanging out with? Flynn: Ah man, I thought it was going really well but uh then, ya know, the other night, she tried to break my heart. For real, she tried to stick hand in my chest cavity and rip my heart out. It was real rough. Joe: Yep, that’s what they do. Flynn:  I guess I’m back on the market. [overheard from afar, phasers chatting and approaching the bar] Phaser Quartzney: So like, I think Phase Queen took so much time between albums because she was getting work done …like, maybe a noses job. Phaser Yelly: (gasp) I love Teenage Andromeda. That song get me through my last supernova… Joe: (to himself) oh boy, here we go… Flynn: Hey Joe, are these girls here for like, karaoke or something?   Joe: No, they are phasers. Flynn: Joe, what’s a phaser? Joe: You know Phase Queen? Flynn: Yeah, I know who Phase Queen is. Joe: Yeah, well, she’s playing a moon show up at the IO Pavilion tonight. And all of her fans are pregaming. Here. Buckle up, buddy. Flynn: Ugh. Phaser Quartzney: Woah, this bar is… eclectic. Phaser Yelly: Quartzney, how did you know about this place? Joe: Uh, what can I get you guys? Phaser Quartzney: Um, wait, (to Phaser Yelly) what are you having? Phaser Yelly: I was thinking a cosmic soda. I’m on BLACKHOLE30, so like, nothing processed for me because I really need to reset my gravitational pull. Phaser Quartzney: Oh, for sure. Uh hey, do you have sentient water? Joe. No. 6 Jeffs: Ladies (x6) Phaser Yelly: Umm… what are you? Flynn: (brightly) Oh, that’s 6 Jeffs – he’s made up of six guys named Jeff …yeah, I don’t understand it either. Phasers Quartzney: That’s weird. (to Joe) Um, do you take Interorbital express? Joe: We are crypto only. Phaser Yelly: Wow, Jupiter really is an emerging planet. Flynn: You know, you can pay in a good story, too! Joe: No …no, don’t. Phaser Quartzney: A what? Flynn: It’s a bar policy. Joe: Shut up Flynn. Phaser Yelly – Oh, oh, I know. Uh, tell him about Cindy’s bachelorette party. Phaser Quartzney: Oh, that one that turned into a pan dimensional rager? Phaser Yelly: Oh my gosh! Joe: You guys listen. You know it sounds like a wonderful story. Tonight is Karaoke night. No stories on Karaoke night. I can only accept Crypto. Phaser Yelly: Ugh. Where’s the bathrooms? Joe: All the way in the back. Blue door on the left. Do not go in the red door. The space chimps are playing poker in there, and they do not like to be disturbed. Phaser Yelly: Will you come with me? Phaser Quartzney: Absolutely, this place is a dive. Flynn: Man, Jupiter has changed. Rover: [*beep, boops, something*] Joe: Who, those two? Rover: [*beep, boops, something*] Joe: You don’t want to mess with girls like that, buddy. They like bad boys. Rover: [*beep, boops, growl*] Joe: No, you’re not. Rover: [sad rover *whirrrs* away] Flynn: Look Joe, I gotta tell you, I gotta get outta here, man, like I can’t do this Jupiter thing anymore. I gotta get up to Pluto. The works better there. There’s nothing here for me. There’s nothing here for me — woah… Joe, who is that? Joe: I don’t know, but she’s walking this way and she’s not from around here. Flynn: I mean, Joe, look at her …her eyes …her legs …her noses… Joe: Hey there. How can I help you? Tonya: You can start by turning off. This. Goddamn. Song. Joe: Yeah, no problem. ROVER. Kill the music. Tonya: Thank you. Joe:  Alright, what’s it going to be? Tonya: What’s the strongest thing you have? Joe: Well, let’s see here. The Red Spots are a local speciality. Nope? The Mode isn’t bad either. It’s what most people are having. Tonya: Is the Schrodinger any good? Joe: It is and isn’t. Tonya: I’ll just have Tito’s on the rocks. Flynn: Oh, hi there. My name’s Flynn. Tonya: Hey. [Flynn clears throat] Tonya: [awkward silence] Flynn: So, uh, yeah what brings you to the Jupiter Saloon? Yeah, The Ol’ Loon… The Jupe… Tonya: Are you lost or something?? Flynn: Well, m’am, a space faring wanderer like myself is never lost. I just go wherever the solar winds take me. And, um, actually wait, do I know you… Have we met before? Tonya: -so, you get lost professionally? Flynn: Well, kinda! Actually, yeah. Tonya: Could ya… get lost now? [Phaser Kelly and Phaser Quartzney return from the bathroom] Phaser Quartzney: Oh my god, Kelly, I was reading this article in Uranus Weekly about how your constellations are about to align. Phaser Yelly: I know, I am like vibing right now. Phaser Quartzney: The light of the universe shining off of your face. Tonya: (hisses under her breath) Oh quick, give me your hat. Flynn: What? Oh, uh. Tonya: Just give it to me. Flynn: Here! 6 Jeffs: Goodbye / Come again / Catch ya later / Ciao! Phaser Quartzney: So… weird. To have six of them. [The Phasers leave the saloon] Tonya: Are they gone now? Flynn: Yeah, looks like. Uh, why are you hiding from these people? I mean, uh, I get it, hiding’s awesome. Why wouldn’t you want to hide? It’s like my favorite thing to do. I wouldn’t what to hang out with a bunch of Phasers too. Tonya: Here’s your hat back. Thanks. Flynn: No problem. Owning a hat in a time of crisis is just one of my many talents. Tonya: (grudging laugh) I’m… Tonya. So. Finn? What does a professionally lost guy do? Flynn: Oh well, it is Flynn! But uh, call me whatever! What even are names? So, yeah, what I do, I go wherever adventure takes me. Are you sure I don’t know you? Tonya: I really don’t know where our paths would have crossed. Flynn: Hey, can I get you a drink? Tonya: Sure… I’ll take a Multidimensional Sapphire. Straight. Flynn: Mmm! Joe: Top shelf, eh? Flynn: (high-pitched) Yep, top shelf. Joe, give my new friend here on Multidimensional Sapphire. Straight. [glasses clinking] Joe: Two Multidimensional Sapphires coming up. Flynn: Just the one, Joe, just the one. Joe: Okay. Tonya: So, you’re a regular here? Flynn: I mean, I like to kill some downtime between jobs here. I got a busy schedule. I’m a busy guy. Joe: Flynn, your crypto chip is bouncing. What’s your sector code? Are you still living in the sleep drawer by the reactor. Flynn: It’s an executive slumber pod. It’s pretty common on Mars. Ya know? How’s your drink? Tonya: Sleep drawer, ey? I mean, that sounds cozy! Joe: Hey, Flynn. Seriously, you crypto chip didn’t clear again. Flynn: Okay, well, huh that’s odd. Must be an old one. I must have accidentally grabbed an old wallet. Well, you know if it didn’t clear, I guess it’s time to evoke my formidable skills at a talker. Joe: No, don’t do this. Flynn: Per the policy of the Jupiter Saloon, I will pay my tab with a good story. Joe: Good new story? Flynn, I’ve heard all of your stories. Flynn: I ever tell you about the time with the space whales? Joe: At least, twice. Flynn: What about the time with the Sun Princess? Joe: I told you that story. Flynn: So, this one time, I was in a Galaxy Far Far Away- Joe: That’s a movie. Do you have another card? Tonya: I wanna hear a story! Flynn: Okay. So I was saving this one for a really, really important- Joe: (snapping) Flynn! Let’s go. Flynn: (very fast) I saved Snakebait during the Sidewinder Mutiny. [chatter around the saloon silences. Gasps can be heard from the patrons] Joe: You saved Snakebait from the Sidewinder Mutiny. Flynn: Uh huh. Joe: No, you didn’t. [the chatter around the saloon resumes] Flynn: I did! I swear on my ship. Joe: You don’t have a ship. Flynn: So you don’t want to hear the story? Joe: Okay, why haven’t you ever told this story? Flynn: Because if I tell anyone, they’ll kill me. But uh, great listeners deserve great stories. Tonya: That’s true. Joe: Alright, let’s have it, but if it’s not good, I’m not gonna be happy. Flynn: So… there I was aboard the Sidewinder… [scene transition sound] Voiceover: Jupiter Saloon will be right back after a word from our sponsors. This episode of Jupiter Saloon is brought to you by SquareDspace. Is your planetary business overcrowded? With SquareDspace’s simple drag and drop tool, we can drag and drop your business in the middle of space. Because, there’s plenty of space – in space! You’ll never need to worry about rent, neighbors, or pesky oxygen again! Head to SquareDspace.joop for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch into space, use offer code JOOP to get 10 crypto chips off your first Solar Cycle or domain. SqaureDspace – build it, spacious. Story B1 [The ambient sound of a starship fades in] Flynn: (narrating) So… there I was aboard the Sidewinder… with the legendary Captain Snakebait, my best friend. His Second in Command, Quintilis Dilapida. And her two cronies: Lieutenant Zuzz and Becky of Venus. We were just coming back from another thrilling adventure. [the Sidewinder drops out of warp] Snakebait: Hahaha! Another narrow escape! Dilapida: All thanks to your brilliance, Captain Snakebait. Snakebait: That’s right Dilapida, you can put that in a bag and take it to the space bank. But make sure you tell the teller of the space bank you’re starting a gravitational savings account, because the interest rates- Dilapida: YES, Captain. We can always count on you. Snakebait: Damn straight. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to do Kentrellion Dark Matter Pushups. These abs don’t sculpt themselves. [Snakebait walks out of the bridge. A door swooshes mechanically, open and shut] Becky of Venus: What’s a dark matter pushup? Dilapida: Don’t kid yourself, he’s probably off taking a nap. God, I hate that man. Zuzz! Becky of Venus, is everything in place? Becky of Venus: Yes! Zuzz: AFFIRMATIVE! Becky of Venus: I’m securing the systems now. Dilapida: Perfect. I’ll get him down to airlock two, and as soon as I give you the signal, you know what to do. Becky of Venus: I do? Dilapida: Yes. Becky of Venus: I don’t. Dilapida: Yes, you do. We went over the plan this morning. Becky of Venus: I have literally no recollection of that. Dilapida: How can you have no recollection of this! We’ve been planning this mutiny for months! You just secured the systems! Becky of Venus: MMMM… Disagree to agree. Dilapida: Forget it! I’ll do it myself. Zuzz: Let’s get ‘em! Dilapida: You two just… stay here. …Don’t touch anything …try to remember how to breathe. [Dilapida walks out, the door shuts behind her] Dilapida: (from airlock two) Captain! Captain! We need you down in airlock two. Captain to airlock two. [Snakebait runs to airlock two] Snakebait: (opening the door, yawning) Damnit Dilapida, what’s going on? You know your Captain gets cranky if he doesn’t finish his pushups. Dilapida: I’m sorry sir, but this simply couldn’t wait! But there’s been a mutiny! Snakebait: What?! When? Dilapida: Right now. [The door hisses shut] Computer Voice: Airlock sealed. Snakebait: (from behind door) Dilapida! Dilapida, what are you doing? Dilapida: Something I should have done a long time ago. Computer Voice: Depressurizing cargo bay. Snakebite: (In background) You’ll pay for this, Dilapida! I swear it! The crows of justice will come home to roost! And they will be hungry! Because the crow keeper of justice forgot to feed them last night, because he had a huge fight with his girlfriend because he spends more time with the crowds of justice than he spends with her! But she doesn’t understand, that the crows of justice aren’t a hobby, it’s a lifestyle, and the crow keeper- Dilapida: Enough! My God! If I had a credit for every time I’ve heard the crowds of justice speed, I’d be rich enough to have my own ship. Then again… now I do. (sighs contentedly) Goodbye Captain. It’s been…. awful. Snakebait: Dilapida, wait! Please. What about all the good times we’ve had? Dilapida: Oddly enough… I can’t remember any. [Dilapida hits a few buttons, the doors whoosh open, SUCKING. Snakebait YELPS at he is blasted out into space] [Cut to Dilapida addressing her new crew] Dilapida: And so it was that our brave, and valiant Captain Snakebait, was blasted into the cold, unforgiving, void. Where he instantly froze, suffocated, and, I assume, exploded. [champagne bottle pops] Dilapida: Cheers to your new captain. Zuzz and Becky of Venus: CHEERS! [glass clink] [whoosh back to the saloon] Tonya: Wait, so he just dies? When do you even come into this story…? Flynn: Just wait for it …the best part is coming up. Another drink, Joe? Space Bass: (From the Karaoke stage) Okay folks, welcome to Karaoke night, yet again, at the Jupiter Saloon. We’re going to open up the sign up list now, so yeah, sign up. Okay? Thanks. Tonya: How did you not even notice there was a mutiny on the ship?! Flynn: Nobody tells me anything! Where was I… So Dilapida and her cronies were busy celebrating. Meanwhile, I was downstairs… [whoosh back to the Sidewinder, where Flynn is cleaning the cryo-storage chamber] Flynn: I hate cleaning out the cryo-freezers. We never even use them, they just collect ice! [a loud knocking comes from outside the spaceship] Flynn: Is that… knocking? (gasp!) It’s Captain Snakebait! What are you doing out there!?Don’t worry Captain, I’ll save you! Computer Voice: Closing outer doors …depressuring cargo bay …opening interior doors. [the doors whoosh open] Snakebait: (teeth chattering) Thanks kid! It’s freezing out there. These power gams like to stay toasty. Flynn: You were outside the ship! You were literally floating in the vacuum of space, how the hell are you alive right now? Snakebait: Let me cut you in on a secret, kid. Real men don’t vacuum. Flynn: That’s super sexist! Snakebait: I know you. You’re Flynn, Flynn the janitor. There’s a mutiny aboard the Sidewinder, Flynn. All the crew has turned against me. But not you, not good ol’ janitor Flynn. Flynn: Oh well, uh yeah, there was a mutiny? Snakebait: That’s right! A dirty mutiny. And now it’s time to clean up this ship. [Flynn activates the defroster] Snakebait: Oh no, no, no. I’m gonna go into a low gravity, high stakes action packed, blazing gun battle. I want YOU to get on a shuttle and get the hell out of here. Flynn: But, I can help… Snakebait: Now, now, now, Flynn, where does the Mop of Forbearance stay? Flynn: (begrudgingly) In the Crow House of Justice. Snakebait: And how do we maintain the Crow House of Justice? Flynn: Through wise investments in gravitational savings accounts but aren’t you supposed to- Snakebait: No questions, boy. There’s a mutiny. I must fly. This is too dangerous for you. Get on an escape pod and get off this ship. And maybe, someday, somewhere in this crazy universe, you and I will meet again and drink deeply together from the margarita of victory. [Snakebite walks off, the door opens] Snakebait: Hey, kid. Flynn: (desperately hopeful)Yes, Captain? Snakebait: Before you go, make sure you hit the bathroom on gamma deck. Evil has been done there too, if you know what I mean. [the doors whoosh shut] Flynn: …ew. [whoosh] Becky of Venus: Captain Dilapida! I just saw Snakebait on the delta floor security cameras. He’s heading up to the bridge! Dilapida: Impossible! He can’t have survived! Becky of Venus: He’s with the janitor! I saw him let him in! Dilapida: Who? Oh! Florn the Janitor! We’ll kill them both. No one can know about this. Zuzz! Becky of Venus! Go, prep the shuttle. Find that janitor. We’ll fire his useless ass into the nearest star! Let’s see him survive THAT! Zuzz: YUP! Becky of Venus: What about Snakebait? Dilapida: You leave Snakebait to me. When you’ve finished with the janitor Flen, both of you meet up in the cargo hold and secure the Empathic Sub-Routine Amplifier for transport. Once we make that delivery, it’s the Margarita Planet of Zylon 3 for all of us! Becky of Venus: Yes Captain! Come on, Zuzz! Zuzz: Comin’! [Becky of Venus and Zuzz run off] [Crash! Part of the ceiling comes down. Snakebait jumps down from the air vent] Snakebait: Quintilus Dilapida, you know DAMN WELL, margaritas are only for winners! Dilapida: Snakebait! How did you get in the ceiling?! Snakebait: Just as the Crowds of Justice knows no bounds, a true Captain knows his ship. [Snakebait fires his blinker. Dilapida dodges] Snakebait: It’s no use! Give up now, Dilapida! I’m Captain Snakebait! I could out-duel you with one eye closed, and both hands tied behind my back! Watch this! [More laser blasts are fired] Snakebait: HAHA! Oh… OH! OH GOD YOU’RE FAST! …No! Please! Stop kicking me! (panting) MAYDAY! MAYDAY! CAPTAIN DOWN! Damn… those are some power gams! Have you been hitting the laser gym? Dilapida: As a matter of fact I have! I didn’t think you’d noticed! Snakebait: It shows! What machine do you use? Dilapida: Actually, I’ve been switching between the helio-bench press and the plasmic inductive (catching herself) THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT! [Several kicks and punches ring out. Snakebait’s gun slides across the deck. Dilapida preps her blinker] Dilapida: I’ve waited so long for this. The best to kill a man is to do it yourself. Snakebait: Last chance, Dilapida. Put that blinker down before I make you wear it. Dilapida: That sounds …complicated. There are easier ways to get a woman undressed, but unfortunately for you, we haven’t the time. Snakebait: You’ll never get away with this. Dilapida: Can it, Snakebait. [She fires the phaser] Snakebait: No! No! AAAAAAAAH! [Snakebait yelps as Dilapida fires her phasers] [whoosh] Flynn: And that’s the story of how I, Flynn, saved Snakebait. Tonya: What are you talking about? She still murdered him! If anything, you sent him to his death! Flynn: No! I was instrumental in his attempt to retake the ship! And you haven’t even heard about my daring escape from the Sidewinder, and Dilpida’s crew! Tonya: HAHAHAH you didn’t …even… hahaha…you just opened a door… ahaha…you’re just a nobody! You didn’t do anything! He still died! Flynn: Hey, you weren’t listening. I saved him before he died. And then I jumped on the run and left there and have been on the run since… Tonya: (catching breath) That’s great. …it’s great. Really! Flynn: Hey… like… Space Bass: (from the stage) Hey folks, one last call for Karaoke night is Rover. He’ll be singing “Just a Phase” by …errr… Phase Queen. [there’s scattered applause. Rover “sings” (whirrs) sweetly] Tonya: (groaning) Oh god, not this song.] Flynn: Wait. That’s it! That’s how I know you. You’re Phase Queen! Tonya: Shhh, keep it down, will you? Okay, look, you wanna know the story? Joe – can we get one more round? [Joe pours the drink] Tonya: It’s exhausting. 72 concerts across 8 dimensions. I can’t go anywhere without the tabloids snapping pictures of me… and making up these nasty headlines about my noses jobs. I only had one and that’s because I had a deviated septum. (sigh) And no one actually knows me… I have an interdimensional law degree. From Space Harvard! Flynn: Woah. Tonya: Not that any phaser would care… Honestly, I’d kill to be a nobody. Wandering the universe, allowed to be lost… anyways, I heard this is the place to come to be a nobody… I don’t have any stories, though, so he’s my crypto chip. [a drink slides across the bar] Joe: Hey, this one’s on the house. Tonya: Let me get his tab. That was a good story. Flynn: Oh ….thanks. Joe: Hey, 6 Jeffs, I’ll close you at too. How you paying? 6 Jeffs: I got this / Let’s split it six ways / put it on my tab. [lots of footsteps can be heard leaving] Tonya: Hey, nice meeting you guys. Maybe I’ll come back sometime, and, be nobody’s together again. [Tonya gets up from the bar and walks away] Flynn: Man, I really hope we see her again. Joe: It’s a big universe Flynn, but ya never know. Flynn: If I’m gonna be a nobody, I’d be a nobody for her. Joe: I think somebody fell in love. Hey, ROVER! You owe me ten cryptos! Rover: [sad *whirring*] Joe: Last Call! Everybody, last call! [Footsteps walk over towards Flynn] Snakebait: Haha, not so fast. That was some story kid. But you missed a thing or two. Flynn: (gasps) Snakebait! I-…how- Snakebait: You’re a tough space janitor to find, Flynn. But you didn’t clean up your tracks half as well as you thought. Joe: Hey, uh, we’re closing up. What are you having? Snakebait: I think I’ll have margarita. And then, let’s go get my ship back. [theme music] Credits Jupiter Saloon is a Podcation Production. This episode was directed by Thierry Denis and Zach Mack Written by Rachel Beck Grace Hawkins Chris O’Keeffe Jordan Cobb Patrick Yurick Kevin Carranza Zach Mack. Script Supervisor Grace Hawkins. Performed by Grace Hawkins Jordan Cobb Kevin Carranza Robert Guerra Rachel Beck Karyn Keene Mary Nichols Chris O’Keeffe John Bosselman Produced by: Patrick Yurick Thierry Denis Zach Mack Dan Tureck Additional production & sound design by Mary Nichols Assistant Producer Karyn Keene Recorded by Jeff Litzman. Mixed and mastered by Dan Tureck ([email protected]) Music supervision by YouTooCanWoo out of Brooklyn, NY. Main theme “Satellite Girls” by Love like Deloreans. Written by Derek Muro, Lorna Krier and Peter Pearson. Many Additional tracks you heard in this episode provided by YouTooCanWoo (www.youtoocanwoo.com). “Subatomic Gin and Tonic” and “Big Dumb Rock” written and performed by Kevin Rheault. Sound effects provided by Jeff Litzman & Dan Tureck Further Sound Effect Credits Bar stool slide – Pro Sounds Effects Sci-fi beep – Berlin Atmospheres Sound Effects Fighting sound effects – “Best free fighting sound effects” – Jeffrey Griffith Gun noises – “free best future gun sounds” – Isolation Music Body fall sound effect – Berlin Atmospheres Sound Effects Bullet impact – Bullet impact sound replacement Coin drop – Coin drop royalty free FX – Audioman5000 Cork pop – Creative commons license – “allsounds” Footsteps – “Royalty free SFX” – Royalty King Whoosh transition – “Free Whoosh Transition” – FilmVentureStudios Crowd cheer – “Royalty free crowd SFX” – Royalty King Power charge sound effect – “Creative commons license – Allsounds Walking on metal SFX – Berlin Atmospheres Sound Effects Technical support provided by Helium films, USA (heliumfilms.us) Podcation oversight by Chris O’Keeffe Co-Founder & Head of Narrative Patrick Yurick Co-Founder & Head of Production Allen Finn Strategic Partnerships Visit us at www.2.podcation.com to learn more Press kit available at www.2.podcation.com Special Thanks Chris & Patrick would like to thank: Our families, especially Angela Belleville & Kay Flewelling. Zach Abramson, Lea Wülferth & Deidre Muro from YouTooCanWoo Jake Brennan from Disgraceland Josh Rae & Ma’ayan Plaut from Radio Public Nicole Portwood at Tito’s Handmade Vodka Sarah Beth Smith, Marina Feole & Alicia Whatki Sarah Golding from Audio Drama Production Podcast The Ringer and Gimlet for allowing us to borrow some of their team members The audio drama community and the writers that write about it, including: Bello Collective, Elena Fernandez Collins, Wil Williams, and Alex at Audiodramarama Andy from Inebriart Duane and Erin Flewelling for getting us all of our supplies and providing a warm home when we needed an extra room. Planet Apparel for helping us get amazing shirts at the last minute for a great price. Chris would like to thank: Chris Abell, Andrew Buonfiglio, Jenna Lovely, Brady Sadler, and Mike Addonizio.