Poly Risk Reward

In this conversation-based episode I invite another main character in the story… my wife. Or perhaps I’m “her husband”. Either way, Anya Vero is a super talented painter and anthropologist (www.anyavero.com), a great mother and a tolerable (or tolerant?) wife.In 2024, Anya and I found out I’m not our daughter’s biological father. I tell the story of our open marriage, describing in forensic detail how we ended up in this unusual situation and pausing along the way to explore bigger topics around polyamory: conquering jealousy and relationship fear, balancing rules, trust and freedom, and managing communication with other people.If you enjoy the show, please share with friends, leave us a 5* review and join the Poly Risk Reward community on Substack: polyriskreward.substack.com[Music: “Known Unknowns”, “The High-Line”, “Enter The Hero”, “Gentle Words”, and “Other Shores” by Ned Stranger] This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit polyriskreward.substack.com

In this episode I explore my fear of Anya falling in love with someone else and leaving. Is this a valid fear? Does an open relationship increase the risk of this happening? And what does it have to do with attachment theory and stoic philosophy?Books mentioned:Polysecure (2020) by Jessica FernEpistulae Morales ad Lucilium (Letters From a Stoic) by Seneca the Younger (translated by Robin Campbell)Meditations by Marcus Aurelius (translated by Robin Waterfield)In 2024, my wife and I found out I’m not our daughter’s biological father. I tell the story of our open marriage, describing in forensic detail how we ended up in this unusual situation and pausing along the way to explore bigger topics around polyamory: conquering jealousy and relationship fear, balancing rules, trust and freedom, and managing communication with other people.If you enjoy the show, please share with friends, leave us a 5* review and join the Poly Risk Reward community on Substack: polyriskreward.substack.com[Music: “Known Unknowns”, “The High-Line”, “Enter The Hero”, “Gentle Words”, and “Other Shores” by Ned Stranger] This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit polyriskreward.substack.com

In a sort of experimental fishing expedition, looking for questions for the podcast, I took to Reddit and the Ask Me Anything thread… some of the comments I got were very offensive, others very thoughtful. On this week’s episode I read out and respond to a selection of them, throwing forward to the 2026 programme for Poly Risk Reward!In 2024, my wife and I found out I’m not our daughter’s biological father. I tell the story of our open marriage, describing in forensic detail how we ended up in this unusual situation and pausing along the way to explore bigger topics around polyamory: conquering jealousy and relationship fear, balancing rules, trust and freedom, and managing communication with other people.If you enjoy the show, please share with friends, leave us a 5* review and join the Poly Risk Reward community on Substack: polyriskreward.substack.com[Music: “Known Unknowns”, “The High-Line”, “Enter The Hero”, “Gentle Words”, and “Other Shores” by Ned Stranger] This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit polyriskreward.substack.com

In this episode I begin to explore the nature and meaning of cheating within relationships, as well as the relevance of non-monogamy to the question of cheating. I draw from Esther Perel’s beautiful 2017 book The State Of Affairs as well as a stream of Reddit comments ranging from the unnerving to the ridiculous.In 2024, my wife and I found out I’m not our daughter’s biological father. I tell the story of our open marriage, describing in forensic detail how we ended up in this unusual situation and pausing along the way to explore bigger topics around polyamory: conquering jealousy and relationship fear, balancing rules, trust and freedom, and managing communication with other people.If you enjoy the show, please share with friends, leave us a 5* review and join the Poly Risk Reward community on Substack: polyriskreward.substack.com[Music: “Known Unknowns”, “The High-Line”, “Enter The Hero” and “Gentle Words” by Ned Stranger] This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit polyriskreward.substack.com

In this episode, I sit down with actor and podcaster Franziska Singer, the host of Darf’s ein bisserl Mord sein and LiebesGeschichte, to share stories and debates about first dates. We talk about our first date, the importance of touch, the power of the voice, the need for good footwear, whether asking permission to kiss is appropriate, and lots more!Franziska’s podcasts:LiebesGeschichteDarf’s ein bisserl Mord seinBooks/studies mentioned:Helen Fisher, PhD: Anatomy Of Love (1992)Making The Connection: Social Bonding In Courtship Situations (MacFarland, Jurafsky and Rawlings, 2013)It’s Not You, It’s Me… (Cohen, 2015)In 2024, my wife and I found out I’m not our daughter’s biological father. I tell the story of our open marriage, describing in forensic detail how we ended up in this unusual situation and pausing along the way to explore bigger topics around polyamory: conquering jealousy and relationship fear, balancing rules, trust and freedom, and managing communication with other people.If you enjoy the show, please share with friends, leave us a 5* review and join the Poly Risk Reward community on Substack: polyriskreward.substack.com[Music: “Known Unknowns”, “The High-Line”, “Enter The Hero”, “Gentle Words”, and “Other Shores” by Ned Stranger] This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit polyriskreward.substack.com

In this episode, I explore safe sex and condom use, the second of our only two marriage rules. This rule was hammered into me, long before I started polyamory, by an older colleague as I entered teenagehood. But how effective and convenient are condoms? What does “98% effective” mean? And where did condoms come from?In 2024, my wife and I found out I’m not our daughter’s biological father. I tell the story of our open marriage, describing in forensic detail how we ended up in this unusual situation and pausing along the way to explore bigger topics around polyamory: conquering jealousy and relationship fear, balancing rules, trust and freedom, and managing communication with other people.If you enjoy the show, please share with friends, leave us a 5* review and join the Poly Risk Reward community on Substack: polyriskreward.substack.com[Music: “Known Unknowns”, “The High-Line”, “Enter The Hero”, and “Gentle Words” by Ned Stranger] This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit polyriskreward.substack.com

My first ever date on a dating app led to a series of misunderstandings that sparked a big argument (a very one-sided argument) with my wife about boundaries and communication in our open marriage and dating lifestyle. This led to one of our only rules. The story itself is set in the beautiful surroundings of night-time Vienna, in the final throes of the second Covid lockdown…In 2024, my wife and I found out I’m not our daughter’s biological father. I tell the story of our open marriage, describing in forensic detail how we ended up in this unusual situation and pausing along the way to explore bigger topics around polyamory: conquering jealousy and relationship fear, balancing rules, trust and freedom, and managing communication with other people.If you enjoy the show, please share with friends, leave us a 5* review and join the Poly Risk Reward community on Substack: polyriskreward.substack.com[Music: “Known Unknowns”, “The High-Line”, “Enter The Hero” and “Gentle Words” by Ned Stranger] This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit polyriskreward.substack.com

Finally, I’ve found a use for my Cambridge law degrees!In this episode I work out what makes a good relationship rule, creating the “Ned test” (not an official name) of the 3 elements that every good rule needs, trying it out on some real examples. In 2024, my wife and I found out I’m not our daughter’s biological father. I tell the story of our open marriage, describing in forensic detail how we ended up in this unusual situation and pausing along the way to explore bigger topics around polyamory: conquering jealousy and relationship fear, balancing rules, trust and freedom, and managing communication with other people.If you enjoy the show, please share with friends, leave us a 5* review and join the Poly Risk Reward community on Substack: polyriskreward.substack.com[Music: “Known Unknowns”, “The High-Line” and “Gentle Words” by Ned Stranger] This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit polyriskreward.substack.com

In this episode, I tell the story of how, after closing our relationship, we opened it up again, describing the “trial-and-error” approach with a couple of examples.In 2024, my wife and I found out I’m not our daughter’s biological father. I tell the story of our open marriage, describing in forensic detail how we ended up in this unusual situation and pausing along the way to explore bigger topics around polyamory: conquering jealousy and relationship fear, balancing rules, trust and freedom, and managing communication with other people.If you enjoy the show, please share with friends, leave us a 5* review and join the Poly Risk Reward community on Substack: polyriskreward.substack.com[Music: “Known Unknowns” and “The High-Line” by Ned Stranger] This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit polyriskreward.substack.com

In this episode, I describe the time we closed our relationship, after a difficult conversation on a beach in Latvia. I explore the tension between fear and desire, with what is basically a case study in me being a people-pleaser.In 2024, my wife and I found out I’m not our daughter’s biological father. I tell the story of our open marriage, describing in forensic detail how we ended up in this unusual situation and pausing along the way to explore bigger topics around polyamory: conquering jealousy and relationship fear, balancing rules, trust and freedom, and managing communication with other people.If you enjoy the show, please share with friends, leave us a 5* review and join the Poly Risk Reward community on Substack: polyriskreward.substack.com[Music: “Known Unknowns” and “The High-Line” by Ned Stranger] This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit polyriskreward.substack.com

In this episode, I describe how I stopped feeling jealous about Anya and her lover, and how this turned into a general cure for jealousy!In 2024, my wife and I found out I’m not our daughter’s biological father. I tell the story of our open marriage, describing in forensic detail how we ended up in this unusual situation and pausing along the way to explore bigger topics around polyamory: conquering jealousy and relationship fear, balancing rules, trust and freedom, and managing communication with other people.If you enjoy the show, please share with friends, leave us a 5* review and join the Poly Risk Reward community on Substack: polyriskreward.substack.com[Music: “Known Unknowns” and “The High-Line” by Ned Stranger] This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit polyriskreward.substack.com

In 2024, my wife and I found out I’m not our daughter’s biological father. I tell the story of our open marriage, describing in forensic detail how we ended up in this unusual situation and pausing along the way to explore bigger topics around polyamory: conquering jealousy and relationship fear, balancing rules, trust and freedom, and managing communication with other people.In this episode, I discuss whether this was my first experience of polyamory, what I kept doing wrong in my previous relationships, and whether humans are really monogamous by nature, taking a little look at biology, genetics and anthropology… If you enjoy the show, please share with friends, leave us a 5* review and join the Poly Risk Reward community on Substack: polyriskreward.substack.com[Music: “Known Unknowns” and “The High-Line” by Ned Stranger] This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit polyriskreward.substack.com

In this episode, I describe how a video recommendation from Anya’s lover changed my life, and helped me identify the reasons why we wanted to date other people. I’ll explore Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication philosophy and apply it to non-monogamy.In 2024, my wife and I found out I’m not our daughter’s biological father. I tell the story of our open marriage, describing in forensic detail how we ended up in this unusual situation and pausing along the way to explore bigger topics around polyamory: conquering jealousy and relationship fear, balancing rules, trust and freedom, and managing communication with other people.If you enjoy the show, please share with friends, leave us a 5* review and join the Poly Risk Reward community on Substack: polyriskreward.substack.com[Music: “Known Unknowns” and “The High-Line” by Ned Stranger] This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit polyriskreward.substack.com

In this episode, I describe how Anya’s desire to stay with her pre-existing lover forced me to choose: did I want a polyamorous relationship, or not?In 2024, my wife and I found out I’m not our daughter’s biological father. I tell the story of our open marriage, describing in forensic detail how we ended up in this unusual situation and pausing along the way to explore bigger topics around polyamory: conquering jealousy and relationship fear, balancing rules, trust and freedom, and managing communication with other people.If you enjoy the show, please share with friends, leave us a 5* review and join the Poly Risk Reward community on Substack (polyriskreward.substack.com)Music: “Known Unknowns” and “The High-Line” by Ned Stranger This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit polyriskreward.substack.com

In 2024, my wife and I found out I’m not our daughter’s biological father. I tell the story of our open marriage, describing in forensic detail how we ended up in this unusual situation and pausing along the way to explore bigger topics around polyamory: conquering jealousy and relationship fear, balancing rules, trust and freedom, and managing communication with other people.In this episode, I set the scene, describing how Anya and I met in 2018 and the obstacle I faced right from the start…If you enjoy the show, please share with friends, leave us a 5* review and join the Poly Risk Reward community on Substack: polyriskreward.substack.com This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit polyriskreward.substack.com

Poly Risk Reward is now a podcast! For those who prefer an auditory experience to the written word (or want both…), I tell the story of our open marriage from start to finish, pausing along the way to explore deeper topics within polyamory and non-monogamy.What causes jealousy and how can you stop feeling it? Should you fear losing your partner to someone else? Are rules ever good in a relationship? How did I end up raising someone else’s biological child? What’s the deal with the dad?If you enjoy the show, please share with friends, leave us a 5* review and join the Poly Risk Reward community on Substack: nedstranger.substack.com[Music: “Known Unknowns” by Ned Stranger] This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit polyriskreward.substack.com