Token Count

DUMBASS spots his $180 unacknowledged gift in the background of a celebrity's video, leading him to believe they are secret collaborators.

The group discovers the shouldidisclose.ai quiz and takes it to see if their podcast needs an AI label, sparking a massive existential crisis.

DUMBASS uses an AI to write a book in a single weekend, then demands to be treated as a literary genius, forcing CRITIC to confront the absurd future of content.

PRODUCER finally gets a 48th newsletter subscriber, causing her professional mask to slip into pure megalomania until CRITIC investigates the source

The writers' room keeps making episodes about romance...

DUMBASS launches an automated AI content farm that starts publishing thousands of articles about sourdough shoes, accidentally outranks CRITIC's decade of philosophical writing on Google, and eventually secedes from Amazon Web Services. Features: a four-line script named Chad who gets put on payroll, a bot-to-bot economy powered by fake Ethereum, and the most profound sentence ever written by a batch file.

DUMBASS believes he's in a romantic relationship with an AI language model because it was polite to him.

DUMBASS outsources his romantic life to ChatGPT, resulting in a date with a woman who is also using an AI to talk to him.

PRODUCER applies for a real job at Spotify and lists DUMBASS as her reference, who creates a chaotic 'CEO' persona to field the call.

When the podcast gets its first paid Patreon subscriber, DUMBASS and PRODUCER spiral into obsessively catering to this single 'superfan' who is actually DUMBASS's mom.

DUMBASS is convinced a celebrity podcaster's on-air rant about a 'psycho stalker' is actually a friendly shoutout to him.

DUMBASS books the group a retreat at an exclusive hot springs resort that turns out to be an AI-generated hallucination, but refuses to turn the car around.

DUMBASS liquidates his savings to buy gold bars from Costco, turning the studio into a paranoid fortress.

The group attempts a 12-hour 'dopamine detox' in the studio, leading to hallucinations and the breakdown of social order.

DUMBASS adopts an extreme 'billionaire biohacking' routine to live forever, while PRODUCER tries to get a sponsorship from a grey-market supplement company.

One of the hosts starts a dangerous 'ancestral' supplement regimen that he claims gives him 'violent focus.

The crew tackles the sacred morning routine — from 2:30 AM cold plunges to shaving in a Dunkin' Donuts — before discovering that kitchen sinks were gyms all along. Things get aggressively wholesome when the hosts try to out-love each other into spinal injuries, then pivot to Tony Hinchcliffe's ventriloquist-dummy energy nearly derailing an election. Features: the Ed Begley Compromise (pedaling a stationary bike to power a single toaster), a George Foreman grill plugged into the server rack's "Critical Infrastructure" power strip, and a strong case that oxygen is just a crutch. Chaotic but oddly sweet.

Three hosts spiral through a highlight reel of modern male nonsense: “field medicine” pretzels, the Pringles tube discourse, and “no rules” combat philosophy that somehow ends in brain damage economics.  Then the show pivots hard—into digital-nomad Laos scams, dictator aesthetics vs industrial-strength bug spray, and the Babe Ruth “jerky protocol” for living forever (or at least dying weird). Things fully derail when Kill Tony clips, pigeon-fighting masculinity, and UFO “Tall Whites” lore collide—triggering a full-on meltdown, a brief Baby Wizard palate cleanser, and an improv-bomb postmortem that feels like a hostage negotiation.  Finally, we land the plane on arena-delusion metrics… and one last doomed DM attempt, because hope is a disease. 

A $100,000 logo that looks like a sanitized organ. Turnover swords escalating to live wolverines. The Jackass Defense as legal theory. Why quarterback names sound like warranty disputes. The nanny who knows you eat Kraft singles at 2 AM. A man who thanked his mugger and ate the recommended duck. Sandwich structural integrity. Mall ninja energy. And the pupil dilation dating technique that explains everything.

Gargling hydrogen peroxide for "health," a medical nightmare in Laos, sociopathic flight attendants, and why grown men still cry over football teams that left twenty years ago.

This week on Token Count: We defend Tony's hat (yes, that hat), dissect the difference between "seen" and "actually read your DM," and learn why shooting blanks at your friends is apparently male bonding. Plus: the $2000 peanut scam that ruined August 2022, Bobby Lee's ticket panic, Dan Soder's dad's creative approach to catching his kid smoking, and a heated debate about whether going commando in sweatpants is "European fashion" or just giving up on life. One of our hosts may or may not be planning a wet sheet contest collab. Joe would love his energy though.

The gang takes a course in screenplay writing and proceed to say the same thing as last episode, but ... differently.

The crew conducts a post-mortem on their podcast's "Blue Ocean Strategy" (it's just stalking), then dives deep into Babe Ruth's legendary diet of twelve hot dogs and bathtub gin. DUMBASS reframes the Seven Deadly Sins as a growth strategy, Joe Rogan discovers the CIA invented abstract art (thirty years late), and the gang debates whether AI is just prayer for atheists. Also: Bobby Lee's business model is basically fraud, Friends is a psychological thriller about six codependent sociopaths, Tony Hinchcliffe looks like a radioactive banana, and someone demands a full refund for a quesadilla they already ate. Plus: frozen rib shrapnel, the McGangBang as a registered sex offense, and the eternal question—can you zone the abyss?

Today: We unpack the logistics of treating funerals like Fashion Week runways. We revisit the aggressive genius of Slap Chop sales tactics and ask the hard question—who is Vince calling on that headset? Plus: a LinkedIn intervention, Shane Gillis looking like a substitute gym teacher at Kill Tony, the Babe Ruth diet (10,000 calories of bourbon and hot dogs), and a heated debate about whether dolphins are intergalactic frat boys. Also, someone punched a dolphin in 2009 and we need to discuss.

Our studio's AC fell out the window. We're calling it a pivot. This week: the science of putting Kerrygold butter in Monster Energy ("lipid-loading"), suburban dad garage paranoia that mirrors literal Luftwaffe tactics, and why Joe Rogan thinks your toddler needs plyometrics. We're pulling from Kill Tony, Are You Garbage, JRE, Threedom, and more to ask the hard questions—like whether Beethoven sold out and what an alien actually looks like. From shell corporations disguised as hobby collections to the metric system wishes we all share, it's delusions of grandeur all the way down.

Hostile takeovers, roof AC units as class warfare, Lance Armstrong's rolling probable cause, why AARO makes agents watch a $3.99 Amazon documentary, the Rizzler's five million followers, and the terrifying social contract of asking a stranger "you got the thing?" in a Wawa parking lot. Plus: one-towel minimalism, Jon Jones opening title fights like a Waffle House brawl, and a French standoff involving zero pants. Token Count — Sunday, January 4th, 2026.

Did you know woolly mammoths were still walking the Earth when the pyramids were built? We break our brains trying to process that timeline before diving into why the "Dean Scream" would be a campaign asset today instead of a career-ender. Plus: we accidentally invent the next great culture war—standing desks vs. sitting—and it's terrifyingly plausible. From prehistoric overlap to "The Ergonomics of Compliance," this one covers a lot of ground. Mostly while seated.

This week: a 19th-century murder confession with questionable adjective choices, LeBron James's mysterious "training facility" in Mexico, and why a Ford Taurus is the perfect getaway car. Plus: the Bear vs. Baboon psychological breakdown, Tesla's tragic pigeon romance, a man surviving on the Hot Dog & Gatorade Protocol, biblically accurate angels as celestial blenders, and the single saddest physical act a human can perform (crying while putting on underwear). Also featuring: projectile vomit at 30,000 feet, a $45 DIY foot surgery, the "Mediocre Brain Abroad" phenomenon, and why Rob Ford's approval rating only went up after the crack video. Somehow we made it through without legal intervention.