Lilly Friend Project

This episode is about the male loneliness epidemic. I know. I spent about a month talking to men about it and kept noticing the same thing: you can't approach it directly. You have to come at it sideways, usually as a joke, which is both the only way in and the reason no one gets very far. What I kept seeing is that the joke is doing two things at once. It opens a door. But it also keeps that door from opening all the way. You can make it funny, you can build a whole podcast around the irony of the name, and still not quite arrive anywhere.  

Lilly talks to Lily Lady and Maya, two escorts who are friends, about the friendships that form when you already speak the same language. What it means to be in a hotel room with someone who knows exactly which hotel it is. What it looks like to work alongside a friend, and what you see when you do. Then Lilly talks to Jennifer Worley, author of Neon Girls, about the women she met at the Lusty Lady, a San Francisco peep show where the dancers organized the first successful sex worker union in the US and then bought the place. Jennifer didn't know most of their real names. Some of them she's still in touch with. The word that keeps coming up is civilians. As in, everyone else.

Ren found a friend application on Instagram at midnight, filled out all 40 questions, went to sleep at 2am, and a few weeks later got an email saying she'd been selected. Now she's back. In the first talk show episode, Lilly and Ren cover their friendship origin story, the experience of having a different personality in a second language, a karmic relationship that has not improved despite many talks, and two questions called in by listeners.

Lilly records from bed to share what happened after releasing the podcast. Her 93-year-old grandpa refuses the friend project t-shirt because he needs to keep certain people at the veteran's home at a distance, her uncle won't even wear it to sleep, and a family miscommunication spiral ensues. Plus, the New York Times features her flyers but doesn't bring more listeners (just cosmic validation), Lilly realizes the flyers and podcast are an ouroboros of connection, and she announces a new monthly call-in show where you can confess your friendship crimes or just say whatever. Also, she has way too many XL and XXL shirts. Call (929) 454-5213 to leave a voicemail or submit at https://www.lillyfriendproject.com/friendship-submission. #GrandpaKeepingPeopleAtADistance #UncleWontEvenSleepInIt #NYTimesButNoNewListeners #FlyersAreAnOuroboros #CallInWithYourFriendshipCrimes #TooManyXXLShirts #CosmicTapOnTheShoulder #TheShirtWasTooVulnerable

In the final episode, Lilly tries to answer the question she's been avoiding: what is connection? She calls random people including a poet, her mom, a barista, a therapist, a Vegas wedding chapel, and accidentally interviews mayoral candidate Brad Lander on election day. After seventy questionnaire responses and twenty-four interviews, Lilly reflects on whether she actually made friends or just performed an elaborate art piece around her own loneliness. Plus, a Rumi quote about patience that initially pissed her off starts to make sense. #StillDontKnowWhatConnectionIs #VegasWeddingChapelWisdom #ElaboratePerformanceArtOrJustLonely #RumiWasRightAndItsPissingMeOff #FourHundredFlyersLaterStillFiguring

A mashup of the funniest and most memorable moments from all the interviews. Christian explains how he spent a year and a half in a band called The Roasters without knowing what they were roasting, Frances admits her personal brand is compulsive lying but in a fun way, and Thomas thought the whole thing might be Scientology but was ready to join anyway. Plus, someone found an apartment on Craigslist with no photos based purely on vibes, and multiple people reveal their alternate reality addictions ranging from bubble tea to minion porn. #TheRoastersRoastedNothing #WhimsicalLyingNotDangerousLying #CraigslistVibesOnly #ScientologyButMakeItFriendship #MinionPornAlternateReality

Lilly meets three people who've found their place by standing apart. Lucas explains how American cities are designed to atomize people and shares his Forrest Gump walking moment, Marley discusses riot grrrl feminism and why she's not an ugly man respecter, and Erika reveals what it's like being the black sheep who moved out during the pandemic. Plus, Lucas dreams of goats in West Virginia, and everyone agrees that sometimes the clearest view comes from standing outside looking in. #OutsiderLookingInward #RiotGrrrlPhilosophy #GoatsInWestVirginia #NotAnUglyManRespecter #AtomizedButNotAlone

Lilly becomes obsessed with Em, whose thoughtful questionnaire answers about ginger ale at the Natural History Museum and acid-induced existential crises made her seem like the perfect friend—until she completely ghosted. While analyzing the 70 questionnaire responses she received, Lilly realizes the project was as much about understanding herself as finding friends. Plus, someone admits they filled out the questionnaire because Lilly seemed desperately funny, and the essay question about friend breakups reveals what people actually value when relationships fall apart. #GingerAleAndGemCollections #TheGhostWithGoodAnswers #FortyQuestionsOneDisappearance #DesperatelyFunnyOrJustDesperate #EssayQuestionsRevealEverything

Lilly explores the quiet endings that happen without ceremony—no "we need to talk" conversations, no dividing of stuff, just silence. Frances describes a friendship that slowly drifted apart through mutual assumptions, Renata shares how her sister-like best friend disappeared for two years over something that wasn't even an issue, and Daniel finally explains why he ghosted Lilly after college. Plus, Friedrich Nietzsche's philosophy on "star friendship" suggests that sometimes letting people go is the most loving thing you can do. #FriendshipGhostStories #TwoYearsOfWondering #StarFriendshipPhilosophy #SilentBreakupsHitDifferent #NietzscheKnewAboutGhosting

Lilly meets Sam Singh, who notices her questionnaire offered "friendship without pretenses", and Siegfried, who worries the whole thing might be an Eric Andre show prank [00:01:00]. Both reveal what it's like to be the reliable friend everyone calls during a crisis, the emotional labor of always showing up for others, and the moment you realize you might be giving more than you're getting. Plus, Sam is a regular at a karaoke club and Siegfried once had to let a blackout-drunk coworker sleep on his couch, which taught him important lessons about boundaries.   #EmotionalLaborIsStillLabor #ReliableFriendSyndrome #InvisibleButNotIgnored #KaraokeTherapySession #BlackoutCoworkerBoundaries

Lilly steps back to let her friends do the talking about setting limits in relationships. Sustaita explains why she sees people as chapters, Emma describes leaving Christianity and losing her best friend to marriage during the pandemic, Thomas reveals his new approach to planning trips to Italy, and Sundara reflects on seventeen years of fighting and making up with Lilly. Plus, someone finally explains what happens when you're the person who always pays rent in a studio apartment.   #BoundariesAreNotWalls #PeopleAsChapters #StudioApartmentLifeLessons #HealthyLimitsUnhealthyFeelings #SeventeenYearsOfFighting

Lilly meets three people who've figured out how to create their own spaces in New York City. Ankham left Laos to find freedom in K-Town, Samuel turned his recording studio into something sacred in the Bronx, and Leah navigated her way back to Judaism on her own terms in Williamsburg. Plus, Lilly realizes her questionnaire answers about strawberry soju shots might reveal more about friendship compatibility than she initially thought.   #StrawberrySojuAndSoulSearching #KTownToWilliamsburgAndBack #CreatingSpaceInSmallPlaces #TraditionallyNontraditional #BelongingIsAVerbNotANoun

After feeling isolated in New York City for five years, Lilly puts up 400 flyers around the city asking strangers to apply to be her friend. She creates a 40-question survey, receives 70 responses, and conducts 24 filmed interviews to see if friendship can work like a job application. In this first episode, Lilly explains why she invented her own system for making friends, interviews loneliness expert Dr. Sam Carr about attachment theory, and attempts to get closure from an ex-friend who ghosted her in college.   #DesperateButMakeItArt #FriendshipIsAContactSport #ApplyWithinYourHeart #LonelyInPublic #PlatonicJobInterview