Making Polyamory Work

How do you make a mixed-orientation relationship work? There are SO many ways. In this episode, Libby talks with Fernanda of the Polycurious Podcast about how she does it with her partner, who is monogamous.You can find Fernanda’s work here: https://www.polycurious.com/https://www.instagram.com/polycuriouspodcast/https://www.youtube.com/@polycuriouspodcasthttps://www.tiktok.com/@polycuriousHere’s the interview I did with Fer a few months back: https://youtu.be/-PGn9T1PbO8?si=-kWJ1fiqJKIWpg0T(Oh and according to the ONE YouTube commenter I’m a “nightmare” so that’s my first hate comment! Achievement unlocked!)Link to get on my email list: https://www.libbysinback.com/emailWorkbook: https://www.libbysinback.com/workbook

Learning to hold space for people you love is an essential relationship skill. In this episode, Libby breaks down what holding space is, why it's important, and how to practice it.Join my email list to learn about the new membership offering coming soon! https://www.libbysinback.com/emailWhat it Means to Hold Space for Someone by Heather Plett: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/11-things-that-will-help-you-hold-space-for-someone-052317511 Ways to Hold Space for Someone by Reaca Pearl: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/11-things-that-will-help-you-hold-space-for-someone-0523175Morgan Burch: https://www.instagram.com/goodmorgantherapy/

Meet John and Jamie, a made-up couple with a very real story. What do you think? Should they open their marriage?SHOW LINKSEmily Nagoski on Making Polyamory Work: https://creators.spotify.com/pod/profile/makingpolywork/episodes/Maintenance-Sx-with-Emily-Nagoski-e2kpe5p/a-abbns15Fair Play by Eve Rodsky: https://bookshop.org/a/91754/9780525541943All About Love by bell hooks: https://bookshop.org/a/91754/9780060959470(I also recommend The Will to Change by the same author)--------------Also! Libby has created a workbook based on the most popular episodes of the podcast — with simple practices and reflection questions so that you can apply this stuff to your life.Go to ⁠https://libbysinback.com/workbook⁠ to get your copy.

Sometimes in polyamorous relationships, our attachment system gets activated, something Jessica Fern calls "primal panic" in her book Polysecure. In this episode, Libby discusses primal panic, what can trigger it, and some tools to navigate it. SHOW LINKS:Join Libby for an Open Community Call: https://go.libbysinback.com/community-callsPolysecure by Jessica Fern: https://bookshop.org/a/91754/9781944934989Leaning In Episode: https://creators.spotify.com/pod/profile/makingpolywork/episodes/Leaning-In-e3c7lgc/a-acbv8i2--------------Also! Libby has created a workbook based on the most popular episodes of the podcast — with simple practices and reflection questions so that you can apply this stuff to your life.Go to ⁠https://libbysinback.com/workbook⁠ to get your copy.

Libby is joined by Mel Cassidy, author of the new book, Radical Relating, A Queer and Polyamory-Informed Guide to Love Beyond the Myth of Monogamy to answer a listener question: how do I handle things if I'm having dating success and my partner isn't? I'm having a joyful, expansive experience, and my partner is sitting on the bench feeling unwanted and envious? This experience is so common and Libby and Mel dive into some tools that can help including some somatic practices for both people. Mel Cassidy's website: https://radicalrelating.ca/ Mel's book: https://bookshop.org/a/91754/9798889842453 Mel's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/radicalrelating/?LinksJoin an Open Community Callhttps://go.libbysinback.com/community-calls --------------Also! Libby has created a workbook based on the most popular episodes of the podcast — with simple practices and reflection questions so that you can apply this stuff to your life.Go to ⁠https://libbysinback.com/workbook⁠ to get your copy.

Most advice about polyamory focuses on established couples, often overlooking the unique challenges faced by "incoming partners" aka those entering a relationship with someone who already has a long-established relationship. In this episode, Libby offers support and advice for those incoming partners so that they can feel empowered in a situation that can feel really tricky to navigate.Episodes referenced in the episodeVeto Happens https://creators.spotify.com/pod/profile/makingpolywork/episodes/When-is-it-Okay-to-Have-a-One-Pnis-Policy-e1ddpq3Is Hierarchy Bad? https://creators.spotify.com/pod/profile/makingpolywork/episodes/Is-Hierarchy-bad-e2hu61dA Rule is just a Bad Agreement https://creators.spotify.com/pod/profile/makingpolywork/episodes/A-Rule-is-just-a-Bad-Agreement-e1alt5uOne P*nis Policy https://creators.spotify.com/pod/profile/makingpolywork/episodes/When-is-it-Okay-to-Have-a-One-Pnis-Policy-e1ddpq3How to Date a Couple https://creators.spotify.com/pod/profile/makingpolywork/episodes/Dating-as-a-Couple-e2b7u8aThis May be a Bitter Pill https://creators.spotify.com/pod/profile/makingpolywork/episodes/This-May-Be-a-Bitter-Pill-e1e1eoeCurrent offerings from LibbyJoin an Open Community Callhttps://go.libbysinback.com/community-callsWhat Actually Makes Polyamory Work - the Workshophttps://libbysinback.com/workshop

Libby invites Laura Boyle of Ready for Polyamory to join her on the show to talk about living together, chores, finances, coparenting, and more - all things having to do with cohabiting and polyamory. --------------Show Links: Laura's website: https://www.readyforpolyamory.com/ Laura's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/readyforpolyamory/Monogamy? In this Economy? (The Book):https://bookshop.org/a/91754/9781805011187--------------Also! Libby has created a workbook based on the most popular episodes of the podcast — with simple practices and reflection questions so that you can apply this stuff to your life.Go to https://libbysinback.com/workbook to get your copy.

Libby talks about feeling grief and letting it move through you rather than being in a state of constant fixing as a way of avoiding it. --------------My episode on holding space: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/no-advice-pleaseWhat it Means to Hold Space for Someone by Heather Plett11 Ways to Hold Space for Someone by Reaca Pearl-----------------------Also! Libby has created a workbook based on the most popular episodes of the podcast — with simple practices and reflection questions so that you can apply this stuff to your life. Go to ⁠⁠https://libbysinback.com/workbook⁠⁠ to get your copy.---------------Visit ⁠⁠https://makingpolyamorywork.com⁠⁠ to search back episodesLibby's coaching website: ⁠⁠https://libbysinback.com

Libby invites Mia Schacter of Consent Wizardry to join her to answer two listener questions. The first one asks, what if I don't feel intense NRE with a new partner? Does that mean something or is it okay? The second asks, Is it okay for me to not want my partner to date monogamous people or is that something I need to learn to be okay with?---------------------------Find Consent Wizardryon Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/consent.wizardry/on Substack: https://consentwizardry.substack.com/on the web: https://consentwizardry.com/-----------------------Also! Libby has created a workbook based on the most popular episodes of the podcast — with simple practices and reflection questions so that you can apply this stuff to your life. Go to ⁠https://libbysinback.com/workbook⁠ to get your copy.---------------Visit ⁠https://makingpolyamorywork.com⁠ to search back episodesLibby's coaching website: ⁠https://libbysinback.com

Libby invites her spouse, Drew to talk the established partner's side of the experience LIbby described in Gamechanger. -----------------------Also! Libby has created a workbook based on the most popular episodes of the podcast — with simple practices and reflection questions so that you can apply this stuff to your life. Go to ⁠https://libbysinback.com/workbook⁠ to get your copy.---------------Visit ⁠https://makingpolyamorywork.com⁠ to search back episodesLibby's coaching website: ⁠https://libbysinback.com

What happens when a new relationship completely upends everything you thought you knew about yourself? What if that person is a catalyst for more love, sexiness, and aliveness than you ever thought was possible? What does that mean for your existing relationship(s)? In this episode Libby shares her thoughts and a very personal part of her own journey.-----------------------Also! Libby has created a workbook based on the most popular episodes of the podcast — with simple practices and reflection questions so that you can apply this stuff to your life.Go to https://libbysinback.com/workbook to get your copy.---------------Visit https://makingpolyamorywork.com to search back episodesLibby's coaching website: https://libbysinback.com

Libby answers a common listener question: When starting a new relationship when you both know you want non-mongamy -- should you be open from the beginning, or should you be monogamous while you establish your partnership? Even if this isn't where you are right now in your polyamory journey, there's something for everyone here in Libby's thoughtful return to Making Polyamory Work.-----------------------Also! Libby has created a workbook based on the most popular episodes of the podcast — with simple practices and reflection questions so that you can apply this stuff to your life. Go to https://libbysinback.com/workbook to get your copy.---------------Visit https://makingpolyamorywork.com to search back episodesLibby's coaching website: https://libbysinback.com

In Part 2 of Libby's conversation with Emily Nagoski, there's a deeper conversation about the concept of "maintenance s*x" and how you may be doing it to safe your relationship, but it may actually be destroying it. Emily Nagoski's website: https://www.emilynagoski.com/ Emily Nagoski on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/enagoski/ Emily Nagoski's books (highly recommended!): https://bookshop.org/contributors/emily-nagoski-4318b5e2-0f22-4415-963b-ce5a1f467607

The amazing Emily Nagoski joins Libby on Making Polyamory Work to drop truth bomb after truth bomb about sex in long-term relationships. Emily Nagoski's website: https://www.emilynagoski.com/ Emily Nagoski on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/enagoski/ Emily Nagoski's books (highly recommended!): https://bookshop.org/contributors/emily-nagoski-4318b5e2-0f22-4415-963b-ce5a1f467607

The Multiamory crew takes over Making Polyamory Work to talk about aggressive fairness in polyamory, what it looks like, and how you can find equity in your relationships. Multiamory's website: https://www.multiamory.com/

Let's think about dating and rejection differently. Shine your light.

What happens when your relationship (or your life) doesn't look the way you thought it would or were told it was supposed to look? Libby talks with Carrie Jeroslow about how having a relationship diversity mindset may help you make peace and even embrace with how your life and love actually work for YOU. Carrie's Website: https://www.carriejeroslow.com/

If you're struggling and need help with your relationships, where should you turn? Libby shares her advice on how to find good help. Meta analyses of studies that show that therapeutic alliance matters more than therapeutic modality for positive outcomes in therapy: https://psycnet.apa.org/PsycARTICLES/journal/pst/55/4 APA article explaining: https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/11/ce-corner-relationships

What is compersion? Can you cultivate compersion in yourself and in your relationships? Libby invites Marie Thouin, PhD to discuss her research and book on this important and sometimes misunderstood topic in polyamory. Marie's book! https://rowman.com/ISBN/9781538183939/What-Is-Compersion-Understanding-Positive-Empathy-in-Consensually-Non-Monogamous-Relationships Marie's Compersion Resources: https://www.whatiscompersion.com/ Marie's Coaching Website: https://www.loveinsight-dating.com/ Marie's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/love_insight_dating/

Libby is joined by Genevieve King of Chill Polyamory to discuss individualism, community care, and ways you can shift your mindset to ecological thinking within polyamorous (or not!) relationship structures. Genevieve's Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/chillpolyamory Genevieve on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3PUizxdp_vj2A5fUdBgzgw Genevieve's website: https://www.chillpolyamory.com/

Libby invites Courtney Brame of Something Positive for Positive People to discuss herpes, stigma, and sexual health. Something Positive for Positive People: https://www.spfpp.org/ SPFPP Podcast: https://www.spfpp.org/podcast Herpes Stigma Virtual Conference in May: https://www.spfpp.org/offerings/p/conferences Courtney's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/courtneybrame_/

Libby discusses the distinction between offers and requests in relating and how important it can be to make sure you're saying what you actually mean. Kai Cheng Thom's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kaichengthom/?hl=en Spectrum of Consent: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1kvYW4eSVKRuwUt5Mc-DnCyNVzvA036f8/view?usp=sharing Marcia Baczynski on Desire Smuggling: https://askingforwhatyouwant.com/desire-smuggler/ 27 Alternatives to "Is this Okay?": https://askingforwhatyouwant.com/27-alternatives-to-asking-is-this-okay/

Libby talks with AASECT-certified sexuality educator Aubri Lancaster about asexuality and aromanticism. Aubri's website: https://acesexeducation.com/ Aubri's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/acesexeducation/

Libby shares her thoughts about debate about whether hierarchy is bad or wrong in polyamory. Additional reading: Lola Phoenix - the Hierarchy Polyamorous People Don't Talk Enough About: https://www.nonmonogamyhelp.com/the-hierarchy-polyamorous-people-dont-talk-enough-about/ Ready for Polyamory - Is there a Problem with Hierarchy https://www.readyforpolyamory.com/post/guest-post-is-there-a-problem-with-hierarchy Poly.Land - Sneakiarchy: https://poly.land/2018/11/01/sneakiarchy-secret-hierarchy-dishonest-egalitarianism/ Joreth Retracts Descriptive vs Prescriptive Hierarchy: https://joreth.dreamwidth.org/408917.html Podcast episodes referenced in the episode: Veto Happens: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/veto-happens Where is this Going?: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/where-is-this-going

Most folks practicing nonmonogamy accept that no one person can meet all their needs. And yet, sometimes it can be challenging when a new partner starts meeting needs that haven't been met by an established relationship. In this episode Libby explores the trickiness when new relationships fulfill desires that established ones don't some ideas to help you navigate this situation well. There’s Nothing to Fear: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/theres-nothing-to-fear9 Relationships of a Modern Marriage: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/9-relationships-of-a-modern-marriageWhere is this going? https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/where-is-this-goingThis may be a bitter pill https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/this-may-be-a-bitter-pill

This week Libby shares a re-release from December 2019 about the science of compassion, and why it's key to loving relationships, including the one with yourself. The Gottman Institute on Contempt: https://www.gottman.com/blog/this-one-thing-is-the-biggest-predictor-of-divorce/ The Harvard Business Review on Self-Compassion: https://hbr.org/2018/09/give-yourself-a-break-the-power-of-self-compassion About the Carleton University Study on Self-Compassion and Procrastination: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dont-delay/200903/self-forgiveness-reduces-procrastination Kristin Neff's Website on Self-Compassion: https://self-compassion.org/

Part two of Libby's conversation with Dr. Joli Hamilton where they discuss how navigating differences can open a relationship and the people in it into transformation. Joli's website: https://www.jolihamilton.com/ The Year of Opening: https://www.jolihamilton.com/TYO

What happens when exploring different relationship styles reveals uncomfortable differences between you and a partner? In this episode, Libby talks with Dr. Joli Hamilton about polyamory as a sacred process of individuation and grief. Joli's website: https://www.jolihamilton.com/ The Year of Opening: https://www.jolihamilton.com/TYO

Long-requested, Libby discusses solo polyamory with Crystal Byrd Farmer, author, organizer, diversity consultant.. and solo polyamorist. SHOW LINKS: Crystal's website: https://crystalbyrdfarmer.com/ Crystal's book: https://newsociety.com/books/t/the-token Solo polyamory: https://solopoly.net/2014/12/05/what-is-solo-polyamory-my-take/

In this part 2, Libby and Alyssa talk through some of the challenges that can show up in nonmonogamy for people who are neurodiverse

Libby and Alyssa discuss being neurodiverse and how polyamory and being neurodiverse can complement each other beautifully.

Triangles show up in relationships all over the place. In this episode Libby discusses triangulation, what it is, common ways it can show up in polyamory, and whether triangulation can harm or help.

Libby talks through when she personally does NOT opt for boundaries, and why boundaries are often the last move she will make in navigating relationship difficulties.

Libby and Jules answer a listener who asks, "If boundaries are between you and you, then what is a boundary violation?" Jules also goes over her 6 steps to setting an external boundary. Jules' Website: https://www.julianetaylorshore.com/ Jules Book, Setting Boundaries that Stick: https://bookshop.org/p/books/setting-boundaries-that-stick-how-neurobiology-can-help-you-rewire-your-brain-to-feel-safe-connected-and-empowered-juliane-taylor-shore/19642175

Libby is joined by author and therapist Juliane Taylor Shore to talk about internal boundaries and how crucial they are (even though they are often not talked about or overlooked when people talk about boundaries.) Jules' Website: https://www.julianetaylorshore.com/ Jules Book, Setting Boundaries that Stick: https://bookshop.org/p/books/setting-boundaries-that-stick-how-neurobiology-can-help-you-rewire-your-brain-to-feel-safe-connected-and-empowered-juliane-taylor-shore/19642175

The word "codependent" comes up a lot in polyamory spaces, but so often it is misused that it's losing its meaning. Libby talks about her dislike of the term, how she thinks it often is used to shame and pathologize perfectly normal human needs, and how she likes to talk about codependence differently.

A lot of people are talking about boundaries now. But as Inigo Montoya once said, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." In this episode Libby explains that boundaries are not a magic way to get people to do what you want them to do.

Nothing is a hot-button topic quite like a couple looking to date the same person. A lot of people have only one piece of advice, "Don't," often served with heaping portions of shame and ridicule. Yet, year after year, established couples seek to find a shared partner, and many folks also seek relationships with established couples. Is there something to this? In this episode, Libby offers some thoughts on why you might want to date as a couple (or date a couple) and some helpful ideas on how to do this well.

Increasingly, Libby hears from folks who are interested in polyamory to solve a problem: either they or their partner cheated, and they want to repair and stay together, and nonmonogamy seems like a solution. In this episode, Libby outlines why it's rarely that simple.

Libby offers an uncomfortable but necessary reality check: love alone doesn't conquer all.

Maybe you know the joke, maybe you don't, but showing up for a second date with a uhaul can be risky. In this episode, Libby goes over why she thinks cohabiting during the new relationship energy (NRE) phase might not be the best idea, and what to do instead.

We all carry stories with us about who we are, our place in the world, how others will see us, and what's possible for our lives. Some of these stories are stories we like, some are stories we want to write a new ending to. But did you know that try as you might to change the story, there's an invisible force that may be acting on you that might sabotage your efforts? In this episode, Libby talks about how your very own brain can stop you from changing your story, and some ideas for what you can do about that. Seven and a Half Lessons About the Brain by Lisa Feldman Barrett: https://bookshop.org/a/91754/9780358645597 Juliane Taylor Shore: https://www.cleariskind.com/ Implicit memory and memory reconsolidation: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10615-020-00754-z

Do you sometimes use doing "the right" or "good' things as an excuse to then turn around and do "bad" or "selfish" things? There's a name for this - it's called moral licensing, and it may not just be messing up your goals, but possibly your relationships. The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonagal: https://bookshop.org/a/91754/9781583335086 Article on Moral Licensing: https://www.businessinsider.com/what-moral-licensing-means-2017-11

In Part 2, Polysecure author, Jessica Fern and Libby talk about a very specific arrangement that relates to privacy/secrecy: the Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) relationship. Together they discuss why you might want a DADT arrangement, when it can work, and when it might not. Polysecure books: https://bookshop.org/p/books/the-complete-polysecure-bundle-jessica-fern/19677933  Southwest Lovefest (use code 'go slow' for 10% off): https://www.swlovefest.com/events/southwest-love-fest-2023

Polysecure author, Jessica Fern joins Libby to talk about a much-asked for topic, Privacy, Secrecy and Transparency. Together they share their own experiences, what they've learned, and how they advise people to handle sharing information. It can be tricky, but there are ways to make it easier! Polysecure books: https://bookshop.org/p/books/the-complete-polysecure-bundle-jessica-fern/19677933  Southwest Lovefest (use code 'go slow' for 10% off): https://www.swlovefest.com/events/southwest-love-fest-2023

Libby shares one of her favorite tools for owning your ish when you mess up with someone you care about. Southwest Lovefest (use code 'go slow' for 10% off): https://www.swlovefest.com/events/southwest-love-fest-2023

Chaneè and Libby answer a question from a listener who identifies as asexual who asked about non-sexual polyamorous relationships. Chaneè identifies as almost-megasexual, Libby identifies as greyace/demisexual, so you can imagine that it is a RICH conversation. They talk about nonsexual partnerships, chosen family, grief, vulnerability and choosing the love that you want for your life. This one is not to be missed! Amatonormativity: https://elizabethbrake.com/amatonormativity  Relationship Smorgasbord: https://www.instagram.com/p/CS9n8mqL4ys/?hl=en  Southwest Lovefest (use code 'go slow' for 10% off):   Find Chaneè on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chaneespeaks/  The Intentional Polyamory Cohort: https://intentionalpolyamory.netlify.app/  Schedule time with Chaneè: https://calendly.com/ChaneeSpeaks

In part 2 of Libby's conversation with Akilah Riley-Richardson, Akilah shares her PRIDE model for supporting couples who are working to create safety and resilience in their relationships. Akilah's website: https://akilahrileyrichardson.com/  Relational Privilege and Sytemic Trauma Course: https://therapywisdom.com/relational-privilege-and-systemic-trauma/ Resmaa Menekem: My Grandmother's Hands: https://bookshop.org/p/books/my-grandmother-s-hands-racialized-trauma-and-the-pathway-to-mending-our-hearts-and-bodies-resmaa-menakem/6454227  Eduardo Duran: Healing the Soul Wound: https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/1200619 Southwest Love Fest (use code "goslow" for 10% off!): https://www.swlovefest.com/

In this episode, Libby talks with couples therapist and trauma specialist Akilah Riley-Richardson about relational privilege and how essential it is to create safety in order to find intimacy. (Part 1 of 2) Akilah's website: https://akilahrileyrichardson.com/  Relational Privilege and Sytemic Trauma Course: https://therapywisdom.com/relational-privilege-and-systemic-trauma/  Resmaa Menekem: My Grandmother's Hands: https://bookshop.org/p/books/my-grandmother-s-hands-racialized-trauma-and-the-pathway-to-mending-our-hearts-and-bodies-resmaa-menakem/6454227  Southwest Love Fest (use code "goslow" for 10% off!): https://www.swlovefest.com/

In Part 2 of this episode, Libby shares her journey to getting clear on her values, figuring out how to act within her integrity and how that led her to find her way to true belonging. Braving the WIlderness by Brene Brown Southwest Love Fest (Use code "GOSLOW" for a 10% discount)