Raised on Shame

In this episode, Kimberly Wilder, LMHC sits down with filmmaker and storyteller Candace Young for a deeply personal conversation about faith, identity, and the stories that shape us.What happens when two people grow up with completely different experiences of Christianity and still choose to sit at the same table and talk about it?Kimberly Wilder, LMHC shares her experience of growing up in a highly rule-based, shame-driven religious environment in the South. Candace offers a contrasting perspective, describing a childhood where faith was modeled through love, connection, and lived example rather than control.Together, they explore what it means to question what you were taught, to define your own beliefs, and to navigate spirituality on your own terms.This conversation moves through:religious trauma versus relational spiritualityhow shame forms across different life experiencesracism, identity, and feeling like an outsideradoption, belonging, and internalized narratives of feeling unwantedthe pressure placed on women to carry and care for everythinglearning to trust your own voice and intuitioninterdependence and asking for help without guiltpurity culture, silence around sex, and generational patternsgrief, death, and evolving beliefs about what comes afterAt its core, this episode is about connection. Not agreement. Not conversion. Just the willingness to listen, to hold space, and to let different truths exist side by side.Resources & Media MentionedThe Motorcycle Diaries (film)American Pie (film)The Pitt (TV show)Claws (TV series)Let Us Prey (Documentary)Mickee Faust Club (Tallahassee theater collective)Five Wishes (end-of-life planning resource)

In this episode of Raised on Shame, we explore the role of community in healing.This conversation centers on a truth that often gets overlooked in trauma work: healing does not happen in isolation. While many of us have learned to cope, survive, and even function on our own, those adaptations often come at the cost of connection.We talk about what happens when shame is carried alone, how trauma can disrupt our sense of belonging, and why safe, attuned relationships are not optional in the healing process, they are essential.This episode invites you to consider:How isolation may have been an adaptive response, not a personal failureWhat it means to experience being seen and understood without judgmentHow community can begin to shift long-held patterns of shameWhat safe connection actually looks like, beyond surface-level interactionThere is also space in this conversation for the complexity of community. For many, connection has not always been safe. Rebuilding trust in relationships can be slow, layered, and deeply personal.If you have ever felt like you were carrying too much on your own, this episode is for you.Resources & SupportThis podcast is not a substitute for therapy.If this episode brought anything up for you, support matters.You can find additional resources www.wildertally.com/resourcesGuest InformationDeborah Jean Nielsen, LMFT, ATR-BC, EMDR Certified Therapist, EMDRIA Approved ConsultantYou can find her:website www.deborahnielsen.com book Breaking WholeStay ConnectedSeason one of Raised on Shame is coming to a close soon.If you want to stay connected for the final episodes and what’s coming next, follow the podcast so you don’t miss future releases.About the PodcastRaised on Shame explores trauma, shame, and healing through honest conversations that bridge clinical understanding and lived experience.

I wasn’t raised by television.But I learned how to live from it.In this episode, I introduce myself through the shows that shaped me, because for a long time, they were my only access to the world outside the one I grew up in.Raised in a controlled environment, I wasn’t just watching TV. I was studying it. Learning relationships, desire, identity, and belonging from fragments.And trying to build a self from that.This episode is about exposure, what happens when you grow up without a shared cultural language, and what it takes to unlearn the stories that were never fully yours.If you’ve ever felt behind, out of sync, or like everyone else knew something you didn’t, start here.

Religious Trauma, Spiritual Abuse, and Rebuilding Self-Trust@wilder_tally | [email protected] | www.wildertally.comRaised on Shame is a podcast about religious trauma, deconstruction, shame based faith systems, and learning to trust yourself again after leaving high control religion.Gaslighting is often used as a buzzword, but clinically it has a specific meaning. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone repeatedly distorts or dismisses your reality, causing you to doubt your thoughts, memories, and perceptions.In religious trauma and high control environments, gaslighting can be especially difficult to recognize. Language framed as “truth,” “growth,” or “spiritual authority” can override your internal experience. Over time, this can disconnect you from your intuition, your body, and your sense of self.In this episode of Raised on Shame, Kimberly Wilder, licensed trauma therapist, explores gaslighting in religious contexts, including how spiritual abuse, power dynamics, and shame based systems contribute to self-doubt and loss of self-trust.This episode integrates trauma-informed clinical insight, psychological research, and lived experience to help you identify gaslighting, understand its impact, and begin rebuilding trust in yourself after religious harm.Later in the episode, Kimberly is joined by a guest who brings both clinical and lived experience to explore how gaslighting operates in spiritual environments and how it differs from genuine care and support.• What gaslighting is (clinical definition vs common misuse)• Gaslighting in religious trauma and high control faith systems• Spiritual abuse and the role of power and authority• The difference between gaslighting and disagreement• Spiritual bypassing vs trauma-informed care• How gaslighting impacts memory, identity, and self-trust• Why survivors of religious trauma often doubt themselvesIf it feels supportive, you might reflect on:• Where have I been taught to question my own reality?• What happens in my body when I trust my perception?• What messages have shaped how I interpret my experiences?• What do I know to be true about my experience, without external validation?You might also try a grounding practice:• Name three things you know to be true about your experience• Notice what shifts in your body as you say them• Pay attention to any sense of clarity, resistance, or reliefExplore trauma-informed resources, therapist directories, and support for religious trauma recovery:• https://www.wildertally.com/resourcesResearch referenced in this episode:• Gaslighting as a social and psychological control mechanism (American Sociological Review)• Scientific American: How gaslighting manipulates reality• National Library of Medicine (PMC): Psychological impact of gaslighting• APA PsycNet: Gaslighting and self-concept disruption• Trauma Resolution and Recovery InstituteBooks on religious trauma, gaslighting, and healing:• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk• What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo• When Religion Hurts You by Laura Anderson• Leaving the Fold by Marlene WinellIf this episode on gaslighting and religious trauma resonated with you, you are welcome to share your questions or reflections.Your questions may be included in a future Q and A episode.Interested in sharing your story or expertise? Apply to be a guest:• https://www.wildertally.comFollow, rate, and review Raised on Shame to support the podcast and help others navigating religious trauma and deconstruction find this content.This episode discusses religious trauma, gaslighting, spiritual abuse, and psychological harm in a trauma-informed and non-graphic way.This podcast is not a substitute for therapy or mental health care. If you are seeking support for religious trauma or emotional distress, visit:• https://www.wildertally.com/resources

Episode 5: Healthy Relationships After Deconstruction@wilder_tally | [email protected] | www.wildertally.comRaised on Shame is a podcast about religious trauma, shame based faith systems, and learning to trust yourself again after deconstruction. Relationships can feel complicated for many reasons. After religious trauma or leaving high control faith communities, connection can feel especially confusing. Many people navigating religious trauma recovery find that intimacy and attachment feel different than expected. You may want closeness deeply while your body reacts to intimacy as if it is unsafe. That tension can feel disorienting, especially if you were taught that love should feel peaceful, certain, or instantly right. In this episode of Raised on Shame, Kimberly Wilder explores what happens to attachment after shame based environments, leaving high control religion, and navigating religious deconstruction. We talk about why relationships can feel activating after leaving high control systems, why emotional intensity is often mistaken for connection, and why rebuilding trust in your internal signals takes time. Later in the episode, Kimberly speaks with N’Deye Delgado, who shares her experience growing up in a highly sheltered environment shaped by modesty culture, silence around sexuality, and strong expectations about womanhood. Together they explore what it means to enter adulthood without foundational information about bodies, boundaries, and consent, and how those gaps can affect early relationships. This conversation is not about judging the past or finding a perfect way to relate. It is about understanding how environments shape attachment and learning to approach connection with more awareness and compassion.In this episode we discuss:• Why relationships can feel activating after leaving high control systems• Wanting connection while also fearing intimacy• How shame based environments shape attachment patterns• Why emotional intensity can be mistaken for connection• Green flags in healthier relationships such as pacing, curiosity, and repair• Growing up in environments shaped by modesty culture and silence around sexuality• The risks of withholding information about bodies and consent• Why education and open conversations help protect young peopleReflection questionsIf it feels supportive this week, try noticing your nervous system in relationships:• Does this relationship allow space for pacing?• Can I express uncertainty, boundaries, or questions?• What happens when I listen to my internal signals?Safety in relationships is not about never feeling activated. It is about how connection responds when activation occurs.You might also reflect on:• When does connection feel grounding rather than overwhelming?• Where might intensity be mistaken for closeness?• What would it look like to move at a pace your nervous system can tolerate?Resources• Leaving the Fold by Marlene Winell• When Religion Hurts You by Laura Anderson• Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller• Polywise by Jessica Fern• What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo• The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté and Daniel Maté• Religious Trauma Institute• OMGYes• Planned ParenthoodPop culture• Shiny Happy People• Keep Sweet: Pray and Obey• Wild Wild Country• Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief• Holy Hell• First Reformed• Silence• Calvary• Twisted YogaThis episode discusses spiritual trauma, shame based environments, and relational harm in a trauma informed and non graphic way. This podcast is not a substitute for therapy or mental health care. If you are looking for support, you can find a therapist here:• https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/ • https://www.psychologytoday.com

Leaving a harmful system doesn’t always bring immediate relief. Sometimes it brings grief - quiet, complicated, and hard to name. Especially when what was lost wasn’t just belief, but community, certainty, identity, and belonging.In this episode of Raised on Shame, we talk about ambiguous loss - the kind of grief that doesn’t have a clear ending or social permission to exist. We explore why leaving alone doesn’t heal, why grief often shows up as anger, numbness, or shame, and why missing something that harmed you doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice.Together, we cover:What ambiguous loss is and why it’s so common after leaving shame-based or high-control systemsLosing community, certainty, and identity all at onceWhy grief doesn’t always look like sadnessHow anger, numbness, or shame can be expressions of unacknowledged griefGiving yourself permission to miss what mattered -even if it also caused harmA gentle writing practice to help name loss, growth, and what still achesThis episode isn’t about rushing healing or finding meaning in pain. It’s about allowing grief to exist without judgment - and recognizing that grieving is not a step backward, but part of integration.If it feels supportive, try this writing prompt:What I lostWhat I gainedWhat still achesThere’s no requirement that gain outweigh loss. Honesty is enough.As you move through the week, consider:What are you still grieving, even if you don’t wish it back?This episode discusses grief, loss, and spiritual harm in a non-graphic, trauma-informed way.This podcast is not a substitute for therapy or mental health care. If you’re looking for additional support, resources for finding a therapist in your area are available in the show notes.BooksAmbiguous Loss by Pauline BossIt’s OK That You’re Not OK by Megan DevineBraiding Sweet Grass by Robin Wall KimmererMan's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. FranklTuesdays with Morrie by by Mitch AlbomIt Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle by Mark WolynnWhen Religion Hurts You by Laura AndersonTrauma TherapyEye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy Somatic Experiencing® (SE)Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT)Other ResourcesReligious Trauma InstituteReligious Trauma SyndromeExpressive writing research — James PennebakerPop Culture (Blanket trigger warning for all - please read reviews before viewing)  Still Small Voice (MUBI)Surviving Death (Netflix)Shrinking (Apple TV+)The Leftovers (HBO)The Unknown Country (MUBI)Station Eleven (HBO)The Moon Was the First TV (MUBI)Practice/Journal Prompt Try writing three lists:What I lostWhat I gainedWhat still achesThere is no requirement that gain outweigh loss.This podcast is not a substitute for therapy or mental health care. If you’re looking for additional support, resources for finding a therapist in your area are available below.Find a Therapisthttps://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/www.psychologytoday.com PracticeReflectionContent NoteReminderResourcesReminder

Many of us were taught-explicitly or quietly-that our bodies could not be trusted. Whether through purity culture, dieting, or both, the message was often the same: control your body, monitor your impulses, and override what you feel.In this episode of Raised on Shame, we explore how purity culture and diet culture fracture body awareness in remarkably similar ways. Through a trauma-informed lens, we talk about how disconnection from the body often develops as a survival strategy-and why rebuilding embodiment doesn’t require confidence, sexuality, or positivity.Together, we cover:How purity culture and dieting teach distrust of the bodyCommon sex myths and body-image beliefs many women carry into adulthoodWhy advice like “just relax” often increases shame instead of safetyHow trauma reshapes body awareness and sensationA gentle practice for reclaiming neutral body awarenessThis episode is about presence, not performance. It’s about learning to notice your body again—without fixing it, judging it, or demanding anything from it.As you listen this week, consider starting with neutrality:Notice one neutral body sensation (temperature, pressure, contact)Let awareness be enough—no interpretation or change requiredThis episode discusses purity culture, diet culture, shame, and body disconnection in a non-graphic, trauma-informed way.What to be a guest on the show? Click here and scroll to the bottom of the page to complete the form. BooksHealth at Every Size - Linda BaconIntuitive Eating & Intuitive Eating Workbook - Evelyn Tribole & Elyse ReschMore Than A Body: Your Body Is an Instrument, Not an Ornament - Lexie Kite, Lindsay Kite, et al.The F*ck It Diet: Eating Should Be Easy - Caroline DoonerShameless: A Sexual Reformation -  Nadia Bolz-WeberThe Marriage Portrait by Maggie O'FarrellTrauma TherapyEye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy Somatic Experiencing® (SE)Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT)Other ResourcesReligious Trauma InstituteThe Reclamation CollectiveCenter for Body Trust® Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consentwww.OMGYes.comHappiness in America, Part 1-The Secret to a 'Good Life,' According to an 80-Year StudyPop Culture (Blanket trigger warning for all - please read reviews before viewing)  Let Us Prey: A Ministry of Scandals (HBO)The Keepers (Netflix)Under the Banner of Heaven (FX / Hulu)SpotlightThe Vow (HBO)Dying for Sex (Hulu)Reflection/Journal Prompt Where did you first learn to override your body’s signals—and what did that protect you from?This podcast is not a substitute for therapy or mental health care. If you’re looking for additional support, resources for finding a therapist in your area are available below.Find a Therapisthttps://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/www.psychologytoday.com

Many of us were taught to look outside ourselves for answers—to seek approval, guidance, or certainty from authority, faith, or fear. Over time, this can make it hard to know the difference between intuition, discernment, and a trauma-driven threat response.In this episode of Raised on Shame, we explore how trauma and shame-based systems can rewire intuition, often training people out of trusting their own bodies and instincts. We talk about why phrases like “pray about it” or “don’t trust your heart” can unintentionally disrupt self-trust, especially in high-control or faith-based environments.Together, we cover:The difference between intuition, discernment, and hypervigilance (without jargon)How trauma shifts decision-making from inner knowing to survivalWhy urgency is often a clue that fear—not intuition—is leadingHow self-trust is rebuilt slowly after shame-based controlA simple body-based practice for mapping intuition versus fearThis episode is not about telling you what decisions to make. It’s about helping you notice how your body learned to make them—and how that process can gently change.As you listen this week, notice:How does your body signal fear?How does it signal safety?There’s no need to act on what you notice. Awareness is enough.This episode discusses trauma, shame, and high-control systems in a non-graphic, trauma-informed way.Practice Content NoteThis episode discusses trauma, shame, and high-control systems in a non-graphic, trauma-informed way.ResourcesBooksHealing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina FisherThe Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der KolkWaking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Book by Peter A. LevineWhen Religion Hurts You by Laura AndersonUntamed by Glennon DoyleRumors Secrets & Lies: Poems about Pregnancy, Abortion & Choice by Carol Knight (Editor), Kristine Snodgrass (Editor)Out on a Limb by Shirley MacLaineTrauma & Nervous SystemEye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy Somatic Experiencing® (SE)Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT)Other ResourcesReligious Trauma InstituteThe Reclamation CollectivePeople Leave CultsMarlene Winell's Religious Trauma Syndrome Betty Martin’s  Wheel of ConsentLinda Marie's Artwork Priestess vs Patriarchy. Palaver Tree Theater. March 2025Why Men Love WarThe Rewilding by Ada LimónPop Culture (Blanket trigger warning for all - please read reviews before viewing)  Shrinking (Apple TV+)The OA (Netflix)Undone (Amazon Prime)Take ShelterSeverance (Apple TV+)ArrivalReflection/Journal PromptHow does your body signal fear—and how does it signal safety?ReminderThis podcast is not a substitute for therapy or mental health care. If you’re looking for additional support, resources for finding a therapist in your area are available below.Find a Therapisthttps://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/www.psychologytoday.com

Shame is something many of us feel but were never taught to name. In this opening episode, Kimberly explores what shame actually is, how it differs from guilt, and how it takes root in silence, control, and conditional belonging, especially within faith-based and high-control systems. Through reflection, nervous-system awareness, and poetry, this episode invites listeners to begin noticing shame with compassion, not judgment.Kimberly also interviews Kendra Lumadue about her time in Catholic school you can find her on Instagram and Tumblr @teeth_ings. ResourcesBooksI Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t) by Brené BrownAdult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay GibsonHealing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina FisherWhen Religion Hurts You by Laura AndersonTrauma & Nervous SystemEye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy Somatic Experiencing® (SE)Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT)Other ResourcesReligious Trauma InstituteThe Reclamation CollectivePeople Leave Cults Betty Martin’s Wheel of ConsentTalking To Your Child About Online Pornography ExposurePop Culture (Blanket trigger warning for all - please read reviews before viewing)  Midnight Mass (Netflix)Rectify (SundanceTV)BoJack Horseman (Netflix)Encanto (Disney+)Far from the Tree (Disney+)Other PodcastsExvangelical with Blake ChastainUnlocking Us with Brené BrownPlain English with Derek ThompsonReflection/Journal PromptWhere did you first learn that being yourself might cost you belonging?ReminderThis podcast is not a substitute for therapy or mental health care. If you’re looking for additional support, resources for finding a therapist in your area are available below.Find a Therapisthttps://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/www.psychologytoday.com

First episode releases January 13, 2026Raised on Shame is a trauma-informed podcast about unlearning the beliefs that kept us silent, disconnected, and small, especially those rooted in faith, purity culture, and high-control systems.Hosted by licensed therapist and EMDR-certified clinician Kimberly Wilder, the show explores shame, attachment, identity, and healing through grounded conversation, lived experience, poetry, and cultural reflection.This is not a podcast about abandoning faith.It’s about reclaiming agency.If you were taught to be “good” at the cost of being whole, this space is for you.