Story Matters Podcast

“They will know we are Christians by our love” is true, but what if the clearest proof of love is our ability to repair after rupture? Ryan and Emily Baker dig into why repair is strangely missing as a category in many Christian families, churches, and faith-based organizations and why that absence makes communities fragile instead of safe.We talk about “weak systems” and how good intentions don’t stop harm. Like neighborhood watch signs or children’s ministry safety policies, healthy communities don’t rely on policies, they walk on clear paths of accountability and conflict resolution. We connect Jesus’ warning about the yeast of the Pharisees to a modern picture of invisible germs: the most destructive dynamics in church culture are often subtle, minimized, or explained away until they spread.The turning point is the difference between shame-based repair and grace-based repair. Shame-based repair chases relief, reputation, and belonging, so it settles for “Are we good?” Grace-based repair tells the truth about what happened, names sin specifically, and makes room for confession, repentance, and real restoration. If you care about healthy Christian relationships, church leadership integrity, and communities that actually feel safe, hit play. Subscribe, share this with a friend who leads or serves, and leave a review, what’s one place you want to practice repair this week?Send us Fan Mail

Betrayal is brutal: it takes a relationship, a community, or an institution that was supposed to be safe and turns it into a source of harm. We unpack betrayal trauma through the lens of shalom, the way things are supposed to be, and we talk about the “ripple effect” that spreads into your limbic system, your future relationships, and your view of God. We also name the amplification that happens when there is no repair: denial, cover-up, gaslighting, or the isolating experience of not being believed. Along the way we explore why “getting even” can become a false path to healing, and why pretending it never happened can be just as damaging to the soul.We bring in Romans 12 to hold justice and mercy together, and we share insights from Dan Allender’s “The Healing Path” on how betrayal can expose the ways we look to people for ultimate safety and certainty. Finally, we get practical about coming back into your window of tolerance, paying attention to what your body is carrying, and learning to grieve what really happened so the wound no longer has power over you. If this conversation helps, subscribe, share it with someone walking through betrayal, and leave a review so more listeners can find the show.Send us Fan Mail

Gossip sneaks in dressed up as concern, processing, connecting, or the classic church-friendly cover of a prayer request. We talk through a gut-check illustration that still gets us: what if a device instantly alerted someone the moment you started talking about them? We expose the hidden contract gossip creates between the speaker and the listener, where we quietly step into the seat of judge while the third person loses their voice. We discuss Friedman’s Failure Of Nerve and the lure to become the “confidant” - and name the dopamine hit of being the one with interesting information. We also make room for a crucial nuance: protected processing in counseling or wise outside support is not the same thing as spreading someone’s story inside a shared community.If you want healthier relationships, to live out the golden rule, and have more truth in Christian community, listen in, then share this with a friend. Subscribe, leave a review, and tell us: what helps you choose truth and repair over the quick comfort of gossip?Send us Fan Mail

We talk about the motives that bring people to this podcast, narrative-focused trauma care, counseling, and discipleship. We love the desires that drive us, and we also name the risk. When we use Jesus as a tool to get a specific outcome, we shrink the gospel. Drawing on C.S. Lewis, we explore that in seeking God first, we trust that the fruit we’re craving often gets thrown in as a byproduct.From there we connect story work to the deeper work of sanctification. We revisit Jesus’ image of the plank and the speck and why untended wounds can turn into judgment, contempt, and relational harm. We also wrestle with the cost of discipleship, the ways truth can feel disruptive, and a simple litmus test for our “why”: if the problem vanished tomorrow, would we still want Jesus and the healing he offers?Thank you for being apart of our Story Matters community, we're glad you're here! Subscribe, share this with a friend, and leave a review so more people can find a safe place to explore truth.Send us Fan Mail

Emily continues her conversation with author and podcaster Melanie Shankle to talk about her memoir Here Be Dragons and the surprising metaphor that helped her finally see boundaries clearly: her dog’s leg amputation. The loss was painful, but it also removed the source of constant suffering and made room for real freedom. That same question hangs over so many of our lives: what are we still tolerating that keeps us limping?From there we go into deeper themes of Christian healing. We also name one of the most hidden wounds in the mother-daughter relationship: envy. Melanie shares what it’s like to realize a parent resents your contentment, your marriage, and why naming envy isn’t arrogance.We connect our personal story to the biblical account of Numbers 13, where Joshua and Caleb believe God’s promises and refuse to join the fear story even when the crowd turns on them. If you’re trying to break generational trauma, you’ll recognize the pressure to stay quiet, keep the peace, and return to “the way it’s always been.” We talk about parenting without turning kids into emotional caregivers and doing story work that brings truth into the light.If you’re navigating boundaries, no contact, family dysfunction, or the long road to spiritual and emotional health, this conversation offers language and courage. Books that have inspired Melanie that she mentioned at the end of the episode: She loves all the books written by these authors!John Mark Comer: Live No LiesAnn Lamont: Traveling Mercies Tina Fey: BossypantsMindy Kaling: Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?Kelly Corrigan: The Middle PlacePlease take a minute to rate Story Matters Podcast so others can find us!Send us Fan Mail

Some family pain doesn’t look dramatic from the outside, which is exactly why it can trap you for decades. Emily sits down with three-time New York Times bestselling author Melanie Shankle to talk about her book "Here Be Dragons." We talk about how helping a daughter navigate mean girls uncovered a deeper story of generational trauma, people pleasing, and the old parental scripts that still play in your head. Melanie shares what it took to overcome gaslighting messages like “you’re being dramatic” and why writing her story forced her to move from a detached retelling into emotional honesty. Along the way, we explore how God’s steadfast love can meet us in the places we most want to avoid.We also get practical about healing and boundaries within Christian community. What do you do when church culture misunderstands your boundaries and pressures you to minimize your needs. Melanie speaks to the real issues that arise when outsiders only know the charming version of a parent. Melanie offers thoughtful guidance on discernment, prayer, and trusting your instincts.If you care about being a more empathetic friend to people like Melanie, have difficult family systems yourself, want to understand emotional abuse, and desire to hold the nuance of what honoring a parent can truly mean, this conversation will give you language and clarity! Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a review so more listeners can find the show.Resources: Melanie Shankle's book: Here Be Dragons, Anne Lamott's book: Bird by Bird... and more to come in the second part of the interview next episode!Send us Fan Mail

Resistance is something we all feel at times. We know growth is good, we know story work matters, and yet we'd rather stay in “get things done” mode rather than feel what’s tender. We lean into that tension of a nervous system that doesn’t want to shift gears.  When we lack flexibility, we get stuck in one state of being and even small endeavors like journaling can feel costly. We talk through the importance of integration: having access to many inner states and choosing what fits the moment. That leads to simple practices like a one minute transition pause, noticing ambivalence and honest naming. This is real strength: separating feelings from identity so we can stay present and wise.We go deeper into sexual trauma and the complexity of ambivalence, including how grooming and abuse can create a confusing mix of harm and bodily response. We’re careful here: naming complexity never excuses abuse. But what goes unnamed keeps power, and bringing the whole truth into the light is often part of reclaiming what was buried and moving toward healing. We close by widening the lens to our polarized world and to Christian discipleship: learning to listen, hold nuance, and become more fully human in relationship with others.Send us Fan Mail

This is an updated and edited episode replacing the one we accidentally published two weeks ago.  In it we discuss how your mind can say “I trust God” while your body quietly braces for abandonment. That tension is not a character flaw, it’s often a story. We sit with the hard reality of a divided self: the logical part of us reaches for faith, while the limbic system carries old alarms that flare up right at the moment we try to get close to God, a spouse, or a friend.We walk through Psalm 27 as a trauma-informed guide to Christian healing and spiritual formation. David names safety (“He will hide me”), belonging (“joy”), and then the risk that follows intimacy: “Do not turn your servant away.” We talk about why vulnerability can feel like stepping across a threshold, how fear of rejection shapes prayer and relationships, and why “teach me your way… lead me on a level path” sounds like rewiring well-worn neuropathways through embodied trust and practice.Then we ask a question that hits at the core of hope: “Is there a balm in Gilead?” We contrast Edgar Allan Poe’s despair in The Raven with David’s insistence on “the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living,” and we connect it to the cross as the center that gathers the disordered fragments of our being. If you’re tired of quick fixes and spiritual platitudes, this conversation offers a steadier path: tell the truth, bring it into the light, and let Jesus meet you where you actually are.Subscribe for more conversations like this, share this with a friend who’s doing the hard work of healing, and leave a review so more people can find the show. What feels like the biggest “threshold” for you right now?Send us Fan Mail

In this conversation, drawing from Mark 9, Romans 7, and Romans 12, we unpack ambivalence. Two opposing truths can freeze the body, fog the mind, and keep the heart guarded. Rather than calling one wrong and another right, we ask what each part is protecting, and we invite Jesus to carry the burden those defenses have held for years.We explore why evil can look orderly and why legalism masquerades as maturity. When life’s pressure points hit—an aging parent, a marriage stalemate, a dwindling bank account—our self-reliance cracks, and poverty of spirit finally has a voice. James calls us to ask for wisdom with trust; we translate that into a practical rhythm: notice activation, admit helplessness, ask for help, act in a small faithful step. This is not self-help. It’s sanctification that happens in a body: offering ourselves as living sacrifices, letting old protections “die,” and experiencing the slow renewal of our minds and nervous systems.Send us Fan Mail

Ever set a bold goal only to watch your body reach for the old comfort? We pull back the curtain on why change feels like a tug-of-war, showing how the limbic system, dopamine, and attachment history shape cravings—and why that makes perfect sense. Rather than shaming the body or glorifying willpower, we map a kinder route to lasting transformation where faith and neuroscience meet.We unpack the tension Paul names in Romans 7 and the invitation James offers to count trials as joy. Trials don’t create reactions; they reveal them, giving us the exact data we need to grow. Drawing on exposure and response principles, we explain how staying present in safe, intentional doses rewires the amygdala, builds steadfastness, and aligns long-term values with moment-by-moment choices. From fasting to the marshmallow test, from smoking and soda to social belonging, we explore how immediate relief competes with deeper hope—and how to train the heart without denying human need.You’ll learn a five-step process to integrate body and belief: expect activation, notice impulses, resist the automatic escape, bring it to Jesus with honest prayer, and re-anchor in safety before moving forward. We also challenge the myth that trauma isn’t real or that spirituality should override biology, offering a shame-free approach where story, faith, and neurobiology work together. With vivid examples—including a climbing analogy that reframes “discipline” as integration—we show how the gospel functions like a harness: it doesn’t remove the climb, but it secures you while you practice new moves.If this conversation helps you see your habits and hopes with fresh eyes, share it with a friend, subscribe for more story-informed episodes, and leave a review telling us which of the five steps you’ll try first. Your reflections help others find a gentler path to real change.Send us Fan Mail

We kick off Season 4 with a timely exploration of goals, Lent, and the deeper workings of the human heart. Drawing from neuroscience and Christian spiritual formation, we unpack why 80–90% of our daily actions originate in the limbic system and how that reality reframes change, healing, and sanctification.We define the “inner world” of the heart—emotions, memory, and subconscious patterns and the “outer world” of visible behavior and public image. Then we trace how triggers actually work: the amygdala fires before the prefrontal cortex weighs in, while the hippocampus matches present cues with past experiences. That’s why willpower collapses when stress, fatigue, or loneliness hit.  We share a powerful client story about sleep, loss, and “missing out,” we show how reframing memory can quiet the alarm and open space for compassion, choice, and genuine transformation.We also connect this science to one of our favorite statements in scripture “I believe; help my unbelief.” This captures the tension between what we cognitively affirm and what our bodies fear or doubt. We talk habituation, Romans 12, and practical steps for aligning belief with behavior: noticing triggers, naming stories, practicing gentle exposure, and meeting younger parts of us with kindness. The aim is integration—a life where the mind and heart move together and love becomes the new normal.If this resonates, listen now, share it with a friend and leave a review. Subscribe for the full series as we get practical about transforming the inner world with wisdom, compassion, and hope.Send us Fan Mail

In Season 1 we had a conversation the week of Thanksgiving that we want to share again as we conclude Season 3. Holiday tables can be warm, funny, and deeply desired—and they can also be minefields of subtle jabs, old roles, and unspoken rules. We name the ache beneath nostalgia and share a grounded, faith-based way to move from autopilot to awareness so you can keep your peace without losing yourself.Using Dan Siegel’s flashlight metaphor, we show how to shift your focus intentionally, notice what sits at the edge of awareness, and choose responses that fit your values. The goal isn’t a flawless holiday; it’s an honest and hopeful one. If this conversation helps you breathe a little easier heading into the season, share it with a friend, subscribe for more story-wise episodes, and leave a review to help others find the show. Send us Fan Mail

What if the shortest path to joy runs straight through your tears? We sit down with Mary Ellen Owen to unpack why uncomforted harm teaches us to banish tenderness, how that “closed book” stance blocks love, and why grief— often done in the presence of a safe other—becomes embodied surrender that restores our capacity for connection. This conversation bridges trauma theory, attachment, and Christian hope, showing how the Spirit turns stony, stubborn hearts into tender, responsive ones.We name the defenses that once protected but now imprison, and we explore the “banished feminine” as the lost capacities of openness, need, and comfort that every person carries. You’ll hear practical ways to begin: change your posture to signal intention, seek a wise story-hearer, notice unexpected tears in films, songs, poems, or scripture, and cultivate imagination for God as the tear collector who comes close. Along the way, we wrestle with desire and risk—why grieving well actually expands longing for God and people, and how hope invites us to love again even after deep loss.Threaded through are anchoring scriptures: Ezekiel’s promise of a heart of flesh, Paul’s mirror of being known, and the Revelation vision of home where God dwells with us and wipes every tear. Rather than managing pain by numbing, we practice grieving as those with hope, enlarging our inner home for the Comforter. If you’ve ever wondered how to move from self-protection to real presence, this is a gentle, courageous guide.If this resonates, share it with someone who needs permission to cry, subscribe for more story-centered conversations, and leave a review with the question you’re sitting with right now.Send us Fan Mail

We sit down with counselor and artist Mary Ellen Owen for a candid, life-giving conversation about why tears matter, how to tell when your present reactions are hooked to old stories, and what it takes to move from self-protection to genuine comfort. Mary Ellen unpacks the crucial difference between acute grief—the wrecking ball moments of death, divorce, and diagnosis—and the quieter, lingering grief we outrun with busyness and control. Her insight is disarming and practical: it is not pain alone that shapes us, but pain plus isolation. Comfort changes everything.Mary Ellen revisits her own turning point with the “wailing women” of Jeremiah and shows why many of us need to be led into lament. This isn’t wallowing; it’s relational healing. When we risk grief in safe company—human and divine—we discover the Comforter who collects our tears in a bottle and restores our capacity for delight. The result is a lived paradox: holding death and resurrection at once. Book reference: “Mourner, Mother, Midwife: Reimagining God’s Delivering Presence in the Old Testament” by L. Juliana M. ClaassensListen now, share this episode with a friend who needs comfort, and leave a review to help others find the show. Subscribe for part two with Mary Ellen as we go deeper into practices that make lament a path to resilient joy.Send us Fan Mail

A simple question can expose a lifetime of scripts: what do you want? We unpack why that prompt can feel threatening, trivial, or strangely blank, and trace the roots back to childhood moments where wanting was ignored, shamed, or made expensive. From birthday wishes to high-stakes life decisions, we show how many of us learned to kill off desire or tailor it to others’ capacity—and why that strategy leaves us numb.Together we explore how faith, psychology, and story work meet at the crossroads of desire. We reflect on C.S. Lewis’s image of mud pies versus the holiday at the sea. Drawing from James, the language of epithumia, and Psalm 27’s gaze upon beauty, we challenge the reflex to label all longing as dangerous and instead offer a path to form desire toward God, beauty, and connection. We also talk about arousal in the broad, embodied sense—what it means when the body wakes toward goodness—and why that energy can feel confusing after the purity culture or sexual abuse.We address longings that can’t be met right now and why grief—not denial or impulsivity—is the way desire grows up. If you’ve ever said “I don’t care” to avoid disappointment, this is your invitation to care again with wisdom, limits, and hope.Send us Fan Mail

We explore how triggers reveal unhealed wounds, and how integrating top‑down truth with bottom‑up practices helps the body and mind trust each other again. A biblical story of David’s overreaction, real‑life examples with horses and rivers, and practical disciplines show how redemption replaces denial.• what a trigger is and why reactions can be disproportionate• understanding the brain with easy-to-remember metaphors• David and Nathan as an example of overreaction• top‑down approaches to renew the mind• bottom‑up practices to regulate the nervous system• how story work integrates sensation, memory, and meaning• grounding in the present while revisiting the past• replacing “let it go” with redemptive processing • building trust between body sensations and core beliefsWe can be reached through our social media: Story Matters Initiative or our website StoryMattersInitiative.com or send an anonymous text in the Apple podcast app.Send us Fan Mail

The word “triggered” has wandered far from its clinical roots, but we all hear it referenced often. We pull the term back into focus by walking through what actually happens when the brain’s alarm system misfires and how prior wounds teach the amygdala to sprint while the prefrontal “watchtower” is still lacing its shoes. We break the triune brain into plain English: the thalamus gathers the data, the amygdala hits the siren, and the cortex adds context. In a regulated system, that update quiets the alarm. In a triggered system, chemicals flood too hard or too fast for logic to land. That’s why a whiff of smoke after a neighborhood wildfire can spiral you, or a partner’s micro‑expression can feel like a cliff edge. We connect these patterns to early attachment imprinting and name the hidden role of shame in keeping mind and body at odds. From there, we offer a practical path forward: top‑down tools and bottom‑up approaches (from both Scripture and discoveries made through Psychology) that help the system return more quickly to safety and calm.We pull from the works of Bessel Van Der Kolk's "The Body Keeps the Score" and Dr. Dan Siegel's "Mindsight" and Christine Ann Lawson's "Understanding the Borderline Mother" and the Bible: Romans 7,8 &12, and other scripture references.We close by previewing "Triggers" Part Two, where we’ll dive deeper into healing: bottom‑up practices, understanding unique trigger profiles, and inviting your stories and questions as we keep learning together. If this conversation helped, subscribe, share it with a friend who needs better language for what they feel, and leave a review so more people can find the show.Send us Fan Mail

We make a clear, biblical case for "story-work" or anything under the umbrella of understanding your narrative in view of God's redemptive story.  We explore why people resist it—from theological objections to fear of feeling—while offering a simple, practical exercise to begin writing memories with courage. We move through four response categories and end with an invitation to set road markers and continue the work.We look at four audience categories in regards to Story Work: You love it, You like it, You say you I like it but are actually resistant, You hate it.You may love Story work but have plateaued after a few stories or maybe you have binged podcasts without putting pen to paper. We give a simple assignment that will help you. This gentle doorway accesses implicit memory and could get you moving towards stories that need to be engaged. We talk embodiment, why some of us hide in left‑brain analysis to avoid emotion, and how compassionate curiosity toward your younger self softens contempt and opens space for change. Jeremiah’s invitation to set up road markers becomes our guide: consider the road by which you went so you can recognize old terrain and recognize patterns from our past affecting our current life.If the church has felt strong on doctrine but weak on tending wounds, this conversation offers a grounded alternative: courageous remembering that leads to truthful naming, care, wise navigation, and a longing for restored peace.Send us Fan Mail

What if the advice you hate—“just sit in it”—isn’t a brush‑off, but a doorway to God’s presence, clarity, and change? We unpack why the phrase so often feels passive or even harmful, especially for those with abandonment wounds, and then rebuild it as a grounded, embodied practice of waiting with God. This isn’t wallowing and it isn’t spiritual bypassing. It’s a stage in healing where we refuse false escapes, tell the truth about our pain, and listen for the next faithful step.We trace common misuses—encouraging isolation, dampening action, or camping on “death” without “resurrection”—and offer a redemptive alternative: waiting as intimacy. With a vivid Jason Bourne illustration, we show how wise pauses protect and position us. From attachment and containment to the Romans 7–8 shift, we explore how the Holy Spirit meets us in our mortal bodies, bringing regulation, courage, and unexpected hope. You’ll learn to spot your personal escapes, use them as clues to the deeper ache, and practice a simple, repeatable rhythm: pause, feel, name, invite, and act from presence rather than panic.We also draw on trauma‑informed care, narrative work, and the Psalms to make this practical for real life: walking instead of numbing, journaling instead of spiraling, asking for co‑regulation instead of going it alone. The goal isn’t to get “back to normal” but to move toward flourishing—where you can hold grief and goodness at once and hear God’s cue before you move. If “sit in it” has hurt you before, consider renaming it “wait with God” and let that reframe open space for healing.If this resonates, share it with a friend who’s in a hard season, subscribe to our emails for more story‑centered care, and leave a review so others can find the show. Send us Fan Mail

Genuine listening has become a rare art. In this episode, Ryan and Emily Baker break down ten practical strategies that transform ordinary conversations into sacred encounters. Whether one-on-one with a friend or in a small group, deep listening builds safe spaces for people to feel known and loved. In a polarized and sound-bite world, we hope this discussion will inspire and equip people to live an un-hurried life ready to engage topics that matter to their fellow-man. From honoring the sacredness of what others share to recognizing our own biases and resistances, each tip builds toward a revolutionary approach to human connection.We delve into game-changing concepts like the "Three Sigh Rule," which suggests waiting through three natural pauses in conversation before responding – often allowing people to process their own thoughts more completely. We explore how to listen for understanding rather than formulating replies, how to notice nonverbal cues that speak volumes, and how to offer empathy without rushing to solutions.Perhaps most powerfully, the Bakers remind us that "listening to someone is the most humanizing thing we can do." In a culture that often fragments and isolates us, the simple act of attentive listening affirms another's dignity and worth. It helps people "feel felt," remain calm, and make connections they might not otherwise discover.Send us Fan Mail

What if integrity isn't about moral perfection, but about truthful living? This conversation explores integrity as the alignment between our inner and outer worlds – not a flawless character, but an honest one.When we experience trauma or painful events, our minds often fragment as a protective mechanism. We compartmentalize, hide away vulnerable parts, and create false narratives to help us survive. Over time, these disconnected pieces create internal inconsistency that destabilize our wellbeing. The invitation is for listeners to examine their stories with radical honesty. Writing or sharing our difficult experiences becomes an act of integrity itself – seeking truth no matter how uncomfortable. Ryan and Emily challenges the common fear that facing painful emotions will break us further, revealing instead that grief actually mends fragmentation by reconnecting us to reality.In this episode, Ryan and Emily weave together biblical insights about lament with a modern psychological understanding of how our brains process trauma. By facing our stories with integrity – naming what's real without pretending – we welcome back the banished parts of ourselves. This begins the journey of integration that leads to true strength.What parts of your story might need honest examination? Join this conversation to discover how truthfulness leads to wholeness.Send us Fan Mail

Shame traps us in impossible situations where every path seems wrong. These "binds" leave us feeling anxious, stuck, and desperate for solutions that never quite materialize. But what if the way forward isn't finding the perfect answer, but naming the trap itself?In this concluding episode of our shame series, Ryan and Emily Baker tackle the question they often hear when pain is felt: "What do I do now?" Rather than offering quick fixes, they guide listeners through the counterintuitive process of "intensifying the bind" – feeling the full weight of our no-win situations as the pathway to genuine freedom.This episode breaks open the practical gospel work of navigating shame: identifying your current binds, naming what you're truly afraid of, and bringing those fears to Jesus – not for immediate rescue, but for faithful companionship through the valley. The result isn't shame removal but shame transformation, as we discover what the Apostle Paul knew: that sharing in Christ's sufferings opens us to experience resurrection power in our everyday lives.Ready to break free from the binds that have held you captive? Listen now to discover how naming your shame with Jesus creates the third way forward you've been searching for. Then visit storymatterscoaching.com to continue your healing journey through individual or group work.Send us Fan Mail

In this episode, Ryan and Emily Baker unpack the subtle ways shame operates as rocket fuel for our accomplishments—from Michael Jordan fabricating opponents' trash talk to motivate himself, to the high-achieving Christian who serves tirelessly but never feels like enough. They explore how shame doesn't just make us feel inadequate; it actively drives us into cycles of performance that promise satisfaction but never deliver.Most surprisingly, Ryan and Emily reveal how shame influences our theological preferences. Whether it's gravitating toward "worm theology" that reinforces our sense of worthlessness or embracing performance-based religion that gives us clear metrics for success, our understanding of God is often shaped by our unaddressed shame. They interact with common Christian phrases like "when God looks at you, He sees Jesus" that inadvertently reinforce the idea that God merely tolerates rather than delights in us.The antidote is learning to distinguish between the crackling static of shame and the clear music of the gospel. This episode will help you recognize when shame is driving your actions and point you toward a relationship with God based on His kindness rather than your performance. This conversation is aimed at helping people break free from shame-driven success and religion.Book references: "The Whole Christ" by Sinclair Ferguson, "Sonship" by Jack Miller, "Discipline of Grace"  by Jerry BridgesSend us Fan Mail

Shame is not just one of many emotions we stumble into but rather the alienation we feel from God from conception that persists even after becoming a Christian. We explore the shame grandiosity cycle, where we attempt to cover our shame through performance that inevitably leads to falling and confirming our original self-contempt. What's particularly insidious about this cycle is that our seemingly positive goals—losing weight, achieving academically, building a successful career, being an excellent parent—might actually be unconscious attempts to cover shame we haven't even named.• Shame is slippery and difficult to define because none of us have ever lived in a world without it• The "stilts" analogy describes how we attempt to cover shame through performance• Grandiosity refers to strategies that promise to cover shame but ultimately cannot deliver• Our positive goals and aspirations often mask underlying shame we haven't named• Romans 6-8 contrasts the shame-based system with the freedom found in Christ• The constant feeling of indebtedness keeps us trapped in the shame cycle• Breaking free requires identifying where our shame originates, not just trying harder• True healing comes through stepping off the stilts and walking on solid groundWe invite you to reflect on where you feel like a debtor – to people, society, yourself, or God – and rest in the truth that Jesus has paid all your debt. You're invited to live as an heir who has been given all the riches of Christ rather than someone constantly trying to earn your worth.Send us Fan Mail

What makes trauma trauma? The shame we never talk about. Shame shapes our lives far more profoundly than most of us realize. While we typically think of shame as something that follows our mistakes, what if it's actually driving our behaviors from behind the scenes?In this eye-opening first episode of our shame series, Ryan and Emily explore how shame operates as an underlying force in human experience. Drawing from theological insights, psychology, and their work with clients, they offer a fresh perspective on an emotion that often hides in plain sight.There are four book references: “Soul of Shame” by Dr. Curt Thompson, “Healing the Shame That Binds Us” and "Homecoming" by John Bradshaw and “Drama of the Gifted Child” by Alice Miller This discussion helps explain why we respond to feelings of inadequacy with behaviors meant to protect us—our personal "fig leaves" that temporarily cover our vulnerability but don't heal the root issue.Whether you're struggling with persistent feelings of not being enough, trying to break unhealthy patterns that have led to "success", or simply curious about what drives human behavior, this episode provides compassionate insights and practical questions to begin identifying shame's influence in your own story. Send us Fan Mail

Dr. Curt Thompson has a saying "Pay attention to what you pay attention to." We discuss, in this episode, how it may look like we are doing one thing while our mind is somewhere completely different. We want to pay attention to what may be running in the background and having an impact on our relationships, behavior and ability to connect with God. We want to encourage our listeners to join us in having an aggressive curiosity to our thought life. Living on "autopilot" is a common theme for many of us but it leads to feeling numb, stuck and unable to connect well with others.Send us Fan Mail

In this episode Emily engages Todd's story from his childhood where a simple moment of being missed has had lifelong effects which can be healed.Send us Fan Mail

Loyalty structures are patterns that develop in childhood as a means for staying in good favor with our families of origin as well as peer groups.  These structures are often very influential in how we show up in the world and they usually include aspects of our glory.  However, when undetected, they wreak havoc in our adult lives as we still operate according to their design. In this episode we unpack the concept of loyalty structures and how identifying them in our lives begins the process of healing from their grasp.Send us Fan Mail

Suffering can move us toward God or it can move us away from him;  consequently away from being fully human and alive. In the wake of a collective tragedy we discuss how to love your community by understanding the ways we often avoid the pain of suffering.Send us Fan Mail

In this episode we engage Shelly's story in our studio.   Shelly, who has gone through the Allender Center's Narrative Focused Trauma Care levels one and two, brings a story from fourth grade which has had life long implications.  Send us Fan Mail

Gaslighting was Merriam-Webster's word of the year in 2022.  Why did it make such a big splash?  In this episode we explore this concept, its roots, but also the fact that we need language for what is happening to us.  Send us Fan Mail

In this episode we take a look at the idea that we have various parts that make up who we are.  Traditionally theologians speak of Christians having the flesh and spirit, which is true.  However,  we know that we are never in this life simply one or the other.  When we are able to see how many of our unwanted behaviors are actually parts of us rooted in early traumas, we can move toward healing in way that is based on grace and avoid of the traditional uses of shame and self contempt.  Send us Fan Mail

So often in conflicts we would just love to hear the words, "I am sorry."  However, as great as this is, it really serves as only the beginning of restoration.  While not every conflict needs much more than these words to heal, many do.  We find that often these words are aimed to deflect attention from the real issue rather then transition to healing the rupture.  In this episode we discuss how the words "I am sorry" are the gateway to further repair rather than simply being an end of the matter.    Send us Fan Mail

Repair is the third major pillar in healthy attachment.  Repair in a relationships is in some ways the most important aspect and also the most elusive.  We know that in this fallen world we will have conflicts in even our most cherished relationships.  When you were growing up, was good repair demonstrated for you?  When you misbehaved were you invited to repair with a parent?  Did you ever experience your parent apologizing and repairing after they were harsh to you?  Was there an opportunity to discuss the conflict in a way that felt safe?The forgiveness we have in Christ frees us to move toward reconciliation with others, whether we are the offender or the offended, or as is often the case, both.  The opportunity for Repair serves as a foundation saying we are always safe; this too can be forgiven.  Conversely, when repair is not available we will feel the need to walk on egg shells in the relationship.  Send us Fan Mail

In Episode 17 we discuss the importance of healthy containment in our families of origin.   Containment is a process that helps children feel safe involving the emotional support that adults give children. Healthy containment helps develop a strong attachment to our caregivers.  It is especially important when the child expresses emotions that the parent may not be comfortable with. When containment was not experienced you developed ways of coping which have impact in adulthood.   How did your mother or father respond to your big emotions?  Containment is the catalyst between attunement and repair.  It is in this space, the container, where we were either attuned to or missed - leading to rupture and thus needing repair. Send us Fan Mail

Attunement is the sense that you matter; that someone else sees you and is tending to you. We were made to be attuned to – by God and by our primary caregivers.  When our deepest needs are seen and met, we feel safe and able to attune to others.  However, for many of us, we did not receive attunement in our childhood, and so this quality may feel elusive.  In this episode we explore how we can still know something of real attunement in our adulthood as well as grow in our ability to attune.  Send us Fan Mail

We were made to be loved by our primary caregivers.  Three main categories that outline what we were meant to receive are attunement, containment, and repair.  This episode will introduce this topic as we will explore what it means for us in our present lives when these were not the way our families of origin operated. We believe by naming the particularities where these were not received enables us to experience healthier relationships.Send us Fan Mail

As Christians we are taught that hatred is evil and yet one of the most important doctrines of God is his hatred of evil.  For present day Christians this often is relegated to a few technicolored "evils" that most can agree upon. However, the Bible calls us to love our neighbors, and this includes the hatred of any evil done to them or by them.  To grasp this in all of its implications will mean stepping into conflicts and naming dysfunctions where most fear to tread. Send us Fan Mail

The term NPC came from video games referring to the characters that the player doesn't have control of - they are controlled by the game's programming. When a person's behavior is determined by a system, whether family, church or peer group, they are in effect functioning as a NPC. One of the main reasons we engage our stories is to learn the ways we have blindly fit into systems and seek the Lord for finding freedom. Send us Fan Mail

This episode seeks to help our listeners this holiday season or future times around family.  We explore the tendency to go into auto pilot where we often return to past or familiar patterns of relating around certain groups, especially family.  During such occasions when all is supposed to be amazing, we often face comments or situations that can bring up strong negative feelings.  In this conversation we provide a few practical steps you can take to be a better observer rather than a reactor of the dynamics you are facing.Send us Fan Mail

In this episode we explore the concept of "window of tolerance" seeing its connection to meekness.   What we often consider weakness is actually a strength of spirit and mind.  Send us Fan Mail

One of the reasons we find healing so elusive is that we refuse to engage the heartaches of our lives.  It can seem un-American or even un-Christian to look upon the past in a negative light.  However, this is exactly how Scripture beacons us to grow...by first going into our suffering.In this episode we will explore Jesus' words, "Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted."  Rather than referring to a few sad moments in our lives, Jesus is revealing that a crucial part of being human is to mourn the evils around us and in us, both present and past. What Psychologists are finding is what Jesus knew - healing comes when our tears are seen and held.Send us Fan Mail

Why do we look back at childhood stories of harm? We discuss internal vows we make, agreements about who we are and protectors that develop. These were ways we needed to mitigate shame that are still patterns by which we live our adulthood. Jesus invites us to lay down these fig leaves when he begins his Sermon on the Mount. Send us Fan Mail

Take off your shoes, this is holy ground! God desires for us to live in bodies that feel safe and loved. Selah is an ancient word from poetry and we see it in the Psalms. Emily developed a Selah practice with five steps to make space for self care using God's words as a guide. Pause. Feel. Turn. Receive. Flourish! We hope you can be aware of how your body is holding sorrows, trauma, negative feelings, and make space between that emotion and response. This could change the world! If all of us could feel an emotion, have enough awareness to do this kind of pause before we react - so much harm would be taken out of our world. To add to your experience.. we suggest on a different device, you play your favorite calming or worship music and be ready to literally pause this episode anytime you want more of what we are guiding you through!May you be blessed by this interactive episode!  If you're interested in a music playlist to play on a separate device while doing Selah, you can follow "Selah" on Spotify created by EmilyAliceBaker.Send us Fan Mail

Christians in the modern era are often confused about the role our bodies play in our growth.  In this episode we explore the need to be tuned into our bodies which carry many of our wounds and are also instrumental for living fully integrated lives.  Send us Fan Mail

Let's unpack the power of narrative focused trauma care (NFTC). We discuss a way to approach healing that combines scripture with modern psychology. We want the Church to take back what should be ours as we talk through how modern Psychology was birthed out of a shift that left modern Christians lacking. "In the late 19th century, while the Church's understanding of the unconscious motivation behind surface actions was vanishing, Sigmund Freud rediscovered this and recast it in an elaborate and profound secular mythology." Lovelace. Now the deeper aspects of the cure for souls is relegated to the therapeutic world even amongst evangelical Christians. Send us Fan Mail

We close out the Shalom series by unpacking the final stage: Shalom Restoring. We seek to imagine what healing can look like in our particular stories of suffering.Send us Fan Mail

We explore our tendency to seek protection from our wounds in ways that don't ultimately lead to our flourishing.   Building on the shalom arc developed by Dr. Dan Allender, the concept of this episode is shalom sought as false rescues from the myriad and particular ways shalom has been shattered throughout our lives.  What is important to grasp is that these ways were often very necessary at the time they were developed.  However, in our later years as we learn to walk with Jesus and explore our early wounds, we are able to see these protective measures for what they were and move toward healthier ways.Send us Fan Mail

In this conversation we explore the reality that something went wrong.   In order to grasp how our own stories fit into the larger story of redemption we must examine the particular places where evil has assaulted us.  Send us Fan Mail

In this episode we outline the framework of the Biblical narrative which all of our individual stories find their basis.   Humans were made for shalom which began in the garden and yet still exists inside all of us - the longing to live without shame in the presence of our Creator and others.Send us Fan Mail