The Ranches Podcast

Note: This isn’t an intellectual paper written with the expectation that intellectuals will intellectualize my intellect and reduce said intellect into shards of insecurity and shame. It’s just my view and my experiences. You can take it or you can leave it, but your – or anyone else’s – attempts at invalidating me and my experiences isn’t a part of my process. That’s all yours.

Most of us are familiar with the 10 commandments and are at least aware that they form the basis for both Judeo-Christian ethics and our legal system. And technically, they represent the first download from the cloud to a tablet. While they may seem old-fashioned to the younger generations, they are 10 rules that, along with the golden rule, have raised and sustained many of us throughout our lives. I try to follow them and also treat others as I want to be treated.

"Many families today struggle to find a balance between being connected to each other and the hectic demands of today’s fast paced world. This is understandable as we are all busy and we all are seemingly attached to our smartphones and other devices on a fairly consistent basis. It is easy to be so connected to the information world that we, by default, become disconnected from those in the room with us; even when those in the room with us are our children."

"Expectations, fears and the predictable isolation that comes from those expectations and fears is a part of everyone’s life at times. I was, thankfully, taught to take risks, to pursue my ambitions and my dreams and to not submit to other people’s expectations of me. While this was my experience in being raised as a boy, I can do the same for the girls and women in my life. I do, however, have to understand that I cannot truly understand. My experiences are my own and I am a fool for attempting to narrate someone else’s experience through the lens that was created by my own trials, tribulations and struggles."

With the kids at The Ranch we tend to focus a lot on dealing with trust. Why would they trust us? We have to earn it from scratch. In a family setting there are four elements that create trust.

Bullying itself is all about control. Bully’s are trying to control the things around them.

Christmas is a special time for most of us. We are looking forward to spending some time with family and friends. But for many of the kids, Christmas comes with a host of mixed emotions. While the gifts and celebrations are a welcome distraction from living away from home at The Ranches, Christmas also comes with consistent and constant reminders of how far away from ideal their life has been. For many kids, like those at The Ranches, Christmas often reminds them of what has been lacking in their lives; Hope. It’s now easier than ever to give to The Ranches and to designate your gift for specific items that are needed by kids throughout the coming year.

There’s a lot of talk about Empathy in the world today and how we need more of it. Empathy is the ability to see something from somebody else’s perspective. As a result they can “walk a mile in their shoes”.

As a family do you subscribe to a grateful or covetous spirit? Is your time and energy focused on being grateful for what you have and what you have done? Do the possessions and accomplishments of those around you capture your attention? If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe to stay up to date with Raise Them Up Podcast. Keep up to date with The Ranches by following us on Facebook!

Do you know how to rest? One of the things that’s really critical for kids, that starts at home, is rest. As an adult do you teach your kids or show them how important it is to rest? Keep up to date with The Ranches by following us on Facebook! If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe to stay up to date with Raise Them Up Podcast.

Does your family lie? We all lie. It’s pretty common to have little white lies here, little white lies there. But do your kids watch you lie on a regular basis? Are you teaching your kids to lie? Keep up to date with The Ranches by following us on Facebook! If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe to stay up to date with Raise Them Up Podcast.

Difficult People We all have difficult people in our lives. How our children deal with those difficult people is going to trace back to how we, as parents, have dealt with difficult people in our lives. Keep up to date with The Ranches by following us on Facebook! If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe to stay up to date with Raise Them Up Podcast.

Family Worship is the object of our exploration on this episode of Raise Them Up Podcast. What do your kids see you focus your time, effort and energy on? An hour on Sunday morning is one level of energy, but what do they see you doing the rest of the week? If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe to stay up to date with Raise Them Up Podcast. Keep up to date with The Ranches by following us on Facebook!

If the one thing you can do for your child is always make life a little bit easier to navigate, it is so worth it. It starts at home. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe to stay up to date with Raise Them Up Podcast. Keep up to date with The Ranches by following us on Facebook!

What divides us? A lot of families are trying to deal with the differences that exist in their own family. By learning the importance of diverse thought, we can avoid contempt and resentment for those who live their lives differently. It is critical for us to teach our children to react to these events in a rational and reasonable way. We must meet these events with patience, understanding and a conversation. Join The Ranches as they explore the value in having the capability to disagree with someone, without it destroying the relationship. Learn important strategies for dealing with what divides us. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe to stay up to date with Raise Them Up Podcast.

We all have memories from distinctive times in our past. Every family goes through things. Tough times…challenging times…celebratory times…times of change. Emotions link to memories and memories are a part of what makes us. What will our kids remember about quarantine? I don’t believe that I am out of line in calling this a distinctive time in our lives and in the lives of our kids. “School’s out for Summer” was just a catchy lyric in my day, it was never intended for the month of March. This is the reality for millions of kids today; a complete disruption to routine and rhythm and a societal abandonment of the consistency and predictability afforded kids by school, sports, teachers and the structure of their time. Seemingly, in an instant, everything has changed. Stay at home is the new normal. In addition, parents are at home and, while acting as the new teachers, also have jobs that, in many cases, have moved home. It feels like all the rules have changed. The dog is happy to have company while the cat just wishes everyone would leave again. As a rule, people just aren’t very good at new normals or temporary changes or disruptions to predictability and consistency. We love our routine and our rhythm. The same goes for our kids. As a result of these circumstances that are beyond our control, the most agile and adaptable are outpacing the most athletic and disciplined. Athletes, as it turns out, aren’t as essential as we thought, while nurses are more essential than we ever imagined. We miss our sports but need our medical professionals What does all of this have to do with parenting and kids?  The most agile and adaptable parents are also most likely to outpace those who are more dedicated to traditional routines, rules, structure and pace. Agile and adaptable people are looking for opportunities while their counterparts cling to what used to be. Those who fail to adapt find themselves powerfully equipped for a society that no longer exists.  If we set aside our own personal feelings aside, what will our kids remember about quarantine? I have two children being impacted (1 high school and 1 college) because they will have to remember the graduation ceremony that did not happen. Their graduation memories will not be filled with a ceremony celebrating their hard work. While we will celebrate their accomplishments, they will not know the feeling of the calling of their name and that walk across the stage that we all took. Somehow, it just doesn’t seem remotely adequate. But what will they remember about their parents? Were they a burden and an inconvenience? Would we have rather been anywhere else? Did they miss out because they were penned in? Will they think that their parents missed work more than they loved spending time with their children? Can they quote, “This is a teacher’s responsibility! Not mine.” Will they remember parents who say, “I can’t wait until this is over.” Or will they remember a parent saying, “I don’t really want this to end.” And, “I’ll miss being around you all the time when this is over.” Or, “We should continue to eat dinner together…even when we don’t have to.” And, “We had such a great time and became so much closer as a family.” Or, “Who needs FaceTime when we can talk face to face anytime?” Those memories will be determined by us and they will be concretized with either feelings of “burden and inconvenience” or “opportunity and optimism.” We, as their parents, have incredible power and influence with our kids and we can choose to make them more important than any crisis or, conversely, we can choose any crisis over our children. I am “all in” for the opportunity transcending crisis. Hopefully in the “new normal”that comes after this current new normal, we will keep prioritizing time spent face to face over time spent on FaceTime and meals together over meals eaten at the same time. In the end, one of the good things that may come out of this is a generation that had the unprecedented opportunity to spend quality time with their parents at a time when they most needed quality attention from those that loved them first and will always love them the most. Check our our other podcasts here! Stay up-to-date with The Ranches

Join The Ranches as they explore the fringe. The fringe is when you’re kind of on the edge of a spectrum, political, parenting or whatever it is. It’s the extreme edges of not mainstream, it’s on the fringe of things. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe to stay up to date with Raise Them Up Podcast.

Today we’re going to talk about control and control issues. We are all at some point or another catapulted into this idea that we need to have control of something.

It’s important that we as parents recognize our obligation to our children at this time. The appropriate response to these last few weeks is staying home, limiting your exposure and only going out for essentials. That’s an appropriate response. Hoarding necessities is not, and kids are paying attention to that.

For children to become responsible adults we need to teach them proper accountability. If we do this, children will not grow up to become adults that think nothing they do is wrong.

Most kids when they get to a point where they’re overwhelmed they get into a mini tantrum of some sort. Learn more at: https://theranches.org Keep up to date with The Ranches by following us on Facebook!

I’ve worked with “at risk” youth for most of my adult life and have lived with for my entire life. In that time, some things have stayed the same while other things have changed in startling ways. Kids often hope for value, acceptance, and appreciation. That has stayed extremely consistent. What has changed is the tendency to feel offended. Whether learned or copied, being offended has become a overly relied upon strategy for dealing with challenges from others. It takes disagreement and forces a victim-perpetrator dynamic upon differences of opinion. Disagreement takes work and a willingness to regulate one’s emotional responses so as to find resolution. Offense allows for an abrupt end to disagreement by prioritizing the victim and vilifying the perceived perpetrator. Kids are paying attention to adults and are learning to silence those who disagree or offer constructive criticism. For me, it serves little to no purpose unless it is in response to personal and unfair attacks. I most often choose not to fall into it simply because it serves to silence healthy communication and disagreement. Healthy Communication Healthy relationships allow for disagreement, but more importantly, allows for growth and an expansion of thought. Ultimately, a diversity of thought is important. I often stay engaged long past the point where others walk away. We may be better off if we start considering where others are coming from while choosing to carefully and thoughtfully considering our own views on things. Many of the kids and adults that I’ve worked with have some unhealthy and self destructive tendencies and beliefs. It is hard to challenge those tendencies and beliefs when kids and adults don’t accept differences in opinion. As the adult, I choose to set an example of working through differences, listening, challenging, explaining and trying to understand where others are coming from. I don’t always get it right, and I have room to grow. I tend to try to always seek first to understand and then to be understood. Unfortunately, many that I’ve worked with want to be understood before gracing others with a desire to understand. As A Result As a result, I work to choose not to be the victim of others, or offended by them. Difference in opinion is healthy. Feeling offended can limit relationships with people who see the world differently. I strive for value, acceptance , and appreciation, too. I value a relationship as long as it supports difference in opinion. Learn more at: https://theranches.org Keep up to date with The Ranches by following us on Facebook!

Accountability – The Ranches is a place for kids to get a fresh start and to develop new tools and learn new ways of navigating life. In most cases, kids come to The Ranches with inadequate and unhealthy ways of dealing with relationships and with conflict. Initially, we start the process of orienting kids to their new living environment. While we’ve all had to navigate these situations in our lives, for young people this can be fairly traumatic. Everything is new. It is in this first phase that we begin to see how kids naturally operate. How they handle peers. Is change difficult. How they deal with and view authority and, in many cases, how they see themselves. When kids first arrive at The Ranches, we see them at their most raw and their most vulnerable…and often scared of what is to come. As kids adjust, we start to introduce accountability and help them to see how it effects their daily lives. In many cases they have experienced inconsistent, unpredictable and sometimes violent accountability. For most of the kids, this creates a hesitation to accountability. Definition of accountability: The quality or state of being accountable – especially: an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions. As you can probably imagine, most kids – really most people – struggle with accountability…especially when it comes from perceived strangers. Along with accountability usually comes conflict, stress and a plethora of negative behaviors. For the staff of The Ranches, this is often uncomfortable and difficult to emotionally process. Why does this child that I don’t really know seem to hate me and everything that I try to communicate with them? Well, this is the work that we do. To understand the struggle with -accountability, it helps to know what kinds of behaviors that we deal with in kids when we attempt to introduce consistent, caring, committed accountability. In working with the kids at The Ranches, our goal for accountability is for them to achieve competence and competence requires accountability. Their resistance to competence and accountability usually comes in several forms. Transfer of Blame Kids often seek to transfer blame to others. In transfer of blame situations, we see the blame become the most relevant part of accountability to the child. “It wasn’t my fault! My roommate did it!” or “You’re not my parent!” are typical utterances at The Ranches. While one is true and one may indeed be true, these statements serve the child by transferring the all-important blame for the transgression onto someone else. “It isn’t my fault,” therefore you can’t, or shouldn’t, hold ME accountable. “I need (vs. want) this!” We work tirelessly to meet the needs of the kids at The Ranches. It is part of our mission. Because of our deliberate choice in meeting the needs of our residents, the kids often attempt to turn their wants in to needs in an effort to force us, through guilt, to give in to their wants. Turning accountability into an accusation of not meeting their needs is a powerful strategy. “I lied because I didn’t feel safe enough to tell the truth” is just one example of this behavior. Safety is a basic need and reshaping situations to be a need unmet is typical and, at times, prolific. “How can you hold me accountable for how I attempt to get my needs met?” “Just kidding” In many cases, accountability is applied to kids for the hurtful things said to others. While it is rarely effective, it is a “go to” for many kids. The idea is that, if they didn’t mean anything negative and were simply making a joke, they shouldn’t be held accountable for someone else taking offense to their statement. “That other kid is worse than me!” Pointing the finger at someone else is a longstanding strategy in crime and in politics. Unfortunately, the kids of today have grown up watching this strategy play out on the evening news and on near every crime-based television show. As long as someone else’s behavior is worse, mine isn’t that bad…in comparison, right? “I didn’t have time!” We usually hear this in reference to chores or school responsibilities. In reality, we schedule our days so that there is plenty of time to handle responsibilities, but kids rarely say, “I didn’t manage my time well” in reference to incomplete tasks. “You are mean, and YOU hurt my feelings!” This is often uttered when attempts at accountability have escalated due to our initial attempts falling upon deaf ears. When we attempt to hold a child accountable and those attempts go ignored, an escalation is needed. Unfortunately, a good old-fashioned victim statement is often uttered as a response to this escalation. Most kids – really most people – view ignoring another person or an authority figure as a passive act. Conversely, addressing the disrespectful nature of ignoring a request is often seen as aggressive and, if allowed, mean. If I only had a dollar for every time that someone at The Ranches accused me of being mean for holding them accountable for their actions, I could fund The Ranches for years to come. “You Don’t Understand” This is often meant to communicate to an someone that their expectation is unrealistic. In reality, it is often true as well. I don’t understand the feelings and hurt that others have experienced. I can acknowledge my lack of understanding without forfeiting my responsibility for accountability. “You’re right. I don’t understand. Please explain it to me” is the best response to “You don’t understand.” Learning To Ignore Accountability The kids that come to The Ranches are far from being “bad kids.” In most cases though, they have learned to ignore and escape accountability with the authority in their lives, using one of these strategies. From parents to teachers to school administrators to law enforcement, escaping accountability is the root of being “at-risk.” As a result, this is where our work often begins. No matter how much mistreatment someone has received, there is no healthy or logical escape from being accountable. When kids leave us, they will have bosses, spouses and friends that will attempt to hold them accountable. Losses of jobs and relationships are the most common symptoms of an aversion to accountability. We hope while they are with us, we can teach, mentor and disciple kids in such a way that we can limit their losses as they pursue a life on their own. To do this, we try to establish a better view of accountability by following a few principles and steps toward success. From parents to teachers to school administrators to law enforcement, escaping accountability is the root of being “at-risk.” As a result, this is where our work often begins. No matter how much dysfunction, abuse, neglect or mistreatment someone has received, there is no healthy or logical escape from being accountable in life. When kids leave us, they will have bosses, spouses and friends that will attempt, with varying degrees of success, to hold them accountable. Losses of jobs and relationships are the most common symptoms of an aversion to accountability. We hope while they are with us, we can limit their losses as they pursue a life on their own. Principles and Steps Toward Success 1. Getting Their Attention Whenever a change is needed, the first step is to get the attention of the child and present to them a boundary to their default escape from accountability. This step is often ugly and is often filled with conflict. While the prevailing advice for setting boundaries is to disengage, we can’t do this at The Ranches. While I understand this advice, we simply don’t have that option. If we emotionally disengage, kids feel a sense of abandonment that hurts and often re traumatized them. And if we disengage, they are left unsupervised. As a result, we have to work to stay engaged. 2. Ignore the Deflections Though it isn’t easy, we have to, as authority figures, ignore all of the deflections that attempt to distract or shift blame. “We’ll deal with that in time” or “Their behavior isn’t the issue that we are dealing with” can help to move past distracting deflections. It takes practice, but it is possible to get to the point where deflections are minimized because they become ineffective with you. 3. Address and Respond to Every Negative Behavior While it can often seem like nagging or “nitpicking,” we must address all negative behaviors in the time that a kid is with us. If we give up or give in, we give them permission to give up or to continue their negative behaviors. This is exhausting and often leads to “burn out” or adults leaving the organization. Despite this, addressing and responding to every negative behavior is a necessary component to what we do. 4. Get Back to Good After Every Conflict In striving to get kids attention and address every negative behavior, conflict always ensues. While many view conflict as always “bad,” conflict is a part of relationships and a part of life. Relationships end when there is no path for those in conflict to “get back to good.” To make matters worse, I sincerely believe that this is always the responsibility of the adult and the most important part of being an authority figure. Sometimes, it’s as easy as just starting a normal conversation without residual emotion. Other times, it comes down to a peace offering like a compliment or bringing a snack to a child after the conflict has subsided. 5. Follow Up Conversation In many cases, escalated emotions cause a “fight, flight or freeze” response in kids. Caring adults, parents and authority figures who are effective with kids know that unresolved conflict leads to unresolved emotions; usually in the next round of conflict. A follow up conversation that is calm, emotionally tranquil and explanatory in nature can often help to resolve both the conflict and the emotions that accompany conflict. 6. Active Listening The hardest thing to do in conflict is to listen to what a child or other person has to say and how they view your actions. We have to do it anyway. Listening places a higher value on the relationship than on being right. 7. Tell Me More When in conflict with a child, asking the child to tell you more often shifts the conflict away from escalation and towards understanding. We still have the opportunity for accountability, but we can take a break to listen and understand where they are coming from. 8. Back to Normal Typically, the last step in resolving conflict associated with accountability is getting back to normal. Feelings have been hurt, disrespect has reared its’ head and emotions have run high. Getting back to normal is a choice and usually requires a deliberate effort. “Can you help me take out the trash?” or “Can you help me at the grocery store?” are opportunities to get back to normal. We have to keep in mind that kids are looking for every hint or indication that it isn’t back to normal and in many cases they may even try to derail our attempts. We’ve got to act as normally as possible and ignore their attempts to rekindle the conflict. We have to get back to normal despite their reluctance and our own. We just have to do it anyway. The Struggle With Accountability Truthfully, getting someone to change their behaviors and to abandon their default strategies for avoiding accountability are among the hardest things to do. At The Ranches, this is the first step in Rekindling Hope. From the most difficult child to the most successful adult, we all have room to grow and that growth requires us to engage in the most difficult of endeavors; changing behavior. Adults that are unwilling to change their behavior tend to produce kids who do the same. This leads to a dysfunctional cycle of conflict and relationship failure. The struggle with accountability is a significant problem in our world. Many have chosen to just avoid people who are hurting and struggling. “It’s not MY problem” is the mantra of those who see the problem but don’t want to address the actual problem that creates the risk in “at risk” youth. While we don’t always relish the criticism, I understand the tendency sympathize with those in need of help. Help is messy. It is difficult. We don’t always get it right, but we remain dedicated to helping. Accountability is the first step in helping and the first step in rekindling hope. Learn more at: https://theranches.org Keep up to date with The Ranches by following us on Facebook!

One of the only ways accountability can really exist is to have reasonable consequences. Everybody has a different version of reasonable, but kids do need consequences for their behaviors.

Welcome to The Ranches “Raise Them Up” parenting podcast. We know kids do respect and want limits. We also know, that a relationship can get fractured to the point where a child does not respect the parent. If that’s the case then things can get very difficult. It can be difficult to get back on track. Learn more at: https://theranches.org

Welcome to The Ranches "Raise Them Up" parenting podcast. Equine Gestalt Coaching is life coaching with the assistance of horses. We're able to raise awareness about different issues we may have.Learn more at: https://www.theranches.org/equine-coachingand https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffOQ9kuMYgw

Third in a three part series on politics. As parents the politics of our family really dictates a lot of the politics our kids believe going forward.