The Roargasm: A Detroit Lions Podcast

Well, here it is: this season's final episode, posted way late, but who gives a fuck?Yes, the Roar beat the Care Bears in the season's final game--a game we didn't even bother to pod about--but we can all agree that this year was a major letdown.Apparently, losing an All Pro center and another vet o-lineman, replaced by 2nd stringers and inexperienced rooks ... losing both coordinators ... playing a first place schedule ... again suffering a ton in injuries to the defense ... and a bunch of other shit, was just too much to overcome.Is there reason to look forward to next year? We'll get guys back on defense, the offense is still loaded at the skill positions ... The o-line? That's the big questions, ain't it?Anyhow, enjoy the off season, Roar Nation, as much as one can. And even thought we know the Lions will always suck (except occasionally when they don't), keep roaring!

We're back, bitches!Once again without Deano (still in eretz Yisroel), Uncle Brother and Lomas hold forth.UB opens with a delightful Roar parody song to the tune of Feelin' Groovy by, who else, Simon and Roarfunkle!Lomas recounts watching the game with Little Stevie Mendelson at a Roaraholics bar in Ferndale. Highly recommended!We both admit that, given this topsy turvy season, we apparently know very little about football. Nothing makes sense.We marvel at the difference a week can make. Where last week the Lions sucks donkey balls on both sides of the ball, this week they looked like the juggernaut we've come to know and love.It was a true pleasure seeing the D get after Prescock and sack him four times. It was equally pleasing to behold the offense once again look like a well-oiled machine.We note that Dan Skipper is an unusually large man and reported in as eligible approximately 74 times during the 3rd quarter alone. Jared actually tossed him a pass, which the big lummox dropped.Bottom line, it was fucking good to get a win.Next up: the goddamn Lambs on the goddamn road! Who despite losing last week are balling out and arguably the best team in the league. A win, however unlikely, would obviously be huge.We conduct a two-part roar that really explores the studio space.And we venture into After the Roar without a plan and end up having a fascinating discussion about Afros vs. Jewfros.Keep roaring, Roar Nation!

Another Thanksgiving day loss.To the fucking Pecklers.At home.The season seems kinda lost, doesn't it? That's what Uncle Brother and Lomas discuss, minus Deano, who's in the Holy Land with Lady Deano, aka Stargazer.What can we say? Jared was nearly flawless. Jamo had a huge game. The running game was OK. Yet the poor People Mover is still operating at around 63%, severely limiting how high and far the offense can fly. Where have you gone, Frank Ragnow, Roar Nation turns its lonely eyes to you!The D, meanwhile, gave up 4 passing TDs and got barely any pressure on J. Love. Like, no pressure. Guy had all day back there, all kinds of time. Nothing but time. And so ... We're left, as always, wondering why we care so damn much. And lament the fact that the Roar MUST always play on Thanksgiving, guaranteeing that the holiday will suck, at least football-wise.And next we're on to the Cockboys, who've been playing well and have back to back wins over last year's Superbowl contestants. What could go wrong?We're still roaring, Roar Nation. But barely.

What can we say? Deano and Lomas pod together from the D suburbs. Uncle Bruv watched only the last moments of the game plus overtime.And we agree that while a win is always good, the Roar look to be in serious trouble on both sides of the ball. Sun God continues to drop passes.Jared is very shakey under pressureThe People Mover is not what it once was.The D line got very little pressure (although Hutch did end the game with a sack and had a bunch of QB hits, apparently).The secondary left guys WIDE open.The lone bright spot, of course, was Sonic, a one-man ROAR who has officially become one of the most explosive guys in the league. Maybe the MOST explosive.The other lone bright spot was Master Bates nailing a 59-yarder to send the game into overtime.Bottom line, we were supposed to demolish the Giant Donkey Balls, but for most of the game it felt like SOL.The Roar still have not lost twice in a row since they started winning ... But things seem headed in the wrong direction.At least the Pistons are kicking ass! Anyhow, here's hoping the Lions find a way to beat the Pecklers on Roargiving (or ThanksGibbsing, if you please), so as to not ruin the holiday.Roar?

The Roargasm crew is back in full force to mourn the Lion's pathetic showing against the Sheaguls.Was this just one of those games on the road against the best D in the league? Or did it expose the Roar as a very good but not great team that can't really compete against elite defenses?The Sheaguls D did not sleep on Jared. Instead, they pressured him all game and knocked him around, resulting in J's worst performance in the DC winning era.D.C.'s game-calling magic sputtered, going 0-5 on 4th down conversions.The fake punt went nowhere.The PA call against the Roar at the end was total nonsenseA few silver linings:--The Lions D played well (although the Sheaguls offense looked weak)--No team looks totally dominant right now--There's still time to figure shit out--Uncle Brother busted out a beautiful song parody, digging deep into the Simon and Roarfunkle songbook--Jamo was a good boy and gave the goalpost a nice hugWe're at home next week against the Giant Donkey Balls, and we fully expect the Roar to take our their frustration and run up the score. Here's hoping.Stay strong, roar nation. Never stop roaring!

I, Impossible Lomas, was not present for the recording of this episode, and I haven't listened to it yet, so I have no idea what kind of nonsense Uncle Brother and Deano got into. But rest assured it's silly and dead serious; absurd and insightful; probably involves at least one song parody and several bizarre tangents.And I assume there's at least some discussion of the Lions vengeful beatdown of the Cockmanders, who have truly fallen from grace. Anyhow, keep roaring, Roar Nation. The Lions are gonna need our collective roar power against the Sheaguls next week.

The Roar got outplayed, out-coached, and out-muscled, at home, by a team with a rookie QB.Are we flashing back to 2014? No, unfortunately. We're talking about right now.A few silver linings in what was otherwise a dark and dreary game and pod:--Arnold played his best game, with an interception and end-zone pass deflection--Only 93% of the oline is injured. The remaining 7% is ready to go!--World Wide Dock and Big Don joined Deano in Vegas for the pod!What else can we say? The Roar haven't lost two in a row in the D.C. era, so here's hoping they continue that run against the Cockmanders next week, who by the way got their cocks handed to them by the Cockboys/Cowgirls.Meanwhile, the Care Bears are 5-3 and pulled off a sweet trick play! We miss Ben Johnson. Johnny Morton is on super secret special probation, until further notice and at least two trick plays.Anyhow, let's keep roaring, Roar Nation. Even when it hurts, even when the People Mover is performing a lot like the actual People Mover, we must keep roaring!

Ever heard of Erick Hallett? Arthur Maulet? Tyrus fucking Wheat? Neither have we. Neither has anyone!And yet these unheralded, 5th, 6th, and 7th string guys stepped up and balled out, anchoring a Roar defense that held the Phuckaneers to a measly 9 points. Never mind that the Phucks were missing most of their offensive playmakers. Don't matter! Our D roared out and shut their assess down.Meanwhile, Sonic hit the sonic button and Gibbsploded all over the field, tearing up the Phucks legit D. Just as impressively, Lomas and Deano step up and roar out the pod absent Uncle Brother, who abandoned his country and, more importantly, the Lions to spend time with his daughter in fucking Europe. The Netherlands, specifically, which may not be an actual country, and definitely doesn't have an NFL team or any plans to host an NFL game. Pathetic.We also discuss:--Whether black guys can have mullets, and if so, how?--Assembling the world's greatest producers and recording engineers and booking out the world's most acoustically perfect studios to for once properly record a harmonized roar. Zoom just ain't getting it done.--What the hell we're gonna do during the Lions bye week ...--A bunch of other nonsense I can't remember.Until next time, Godspeed, Uncle Brother. And keep roaring, Roar Nation!

No roaring today, friends. For we have been laid low by a resurgent Queefs squad, whose demise was exaggerated. Mahomes was Mahomes. Bro can play QB. Our fucked up secondary, featuring guys we have never seen before, had no chance.The Roar offense got off to a strong start but then bogged down.Sun God dropped a pass! I repeat, Sun God dropped a pass. We couldn't believe it. HE couldn't believe it! It was that kinda game.Worst of all Lomastradamus's streak came to an end.And so we resort to one of our favorite pasttimes: inserting the word "roar" into as many Simon and Roarfunkle (and solo Simon) songs as possible. We do this for a while and thoroughly enjoy it.At least next week we're not going up against a top QB ... Oh, wait. Fuck. We're playing the Phukaneers and Baker Fuckfield, who's been on a hot streak. Roar?

This delightful episode begins with Uncle Brother and Deano mercilessly ripping into Lomas for being 30 minutes late to start the recording. Never mind that Lomas was on a call with a very important client! Never you mind what about. Lomas has a business to run!Anyhow, once we get past that nonsense, we celebrate the taking of Ohio! Between the Tigers vanquishing the Guardians (lame-ass name) and the Lions demolishing the Brown Stains and the Bungles/Bungholes, Ohio is now basically a post-apocalyptic territory, its major sports teams laid low, its people subjugated.We marvel at how bad the Bungles current QB is and at how it wasn't long ago that the BDC (before D.C.) Lions would have made Jake Browning look like Joe Montana. That shit used to happen on the regular. Now, we mercilessly beat the shit out of weak teams and make 3rd string QBs regret many of their life choices.We look ahead to a road war against the Queefs next Sunday night. Lomas predicts Roar 29 - Queefs 23. And so it shall be.Until then, keep roaring!

The most interesting thing about this mostly pedestrian win was Lomas once again predicting almost the exact score!The Browns D is as good as advertised, and Myles Garett is a beast. But no matter. The Lions did what they had to do to move the ball and shut down the Brown's offense without too much trouble.And so we meander through this episode. Not too much to say. Good to see Hutch rounding into form. Jared once again played mistake-free ball and got the job done. Sun God is Sun God. And so it's on to Cinci next week, where the Roar continue their march through Ohio, leaving devastation in their wake. We're confident the Lions will humiliate the BungHoles, who are without Joe Burrow and so without hope.Let's keep roaring!

Due to Rosh Hashanah (the least partying New Year of all New Years), we're a bit late to the game with this episode ...But holy roaring! What an incredible victory!Most of this episode is a blur, but we (of course) revel in the Roar's glorious road win against a really good Cravens team. What we beheld (even Deano, who got a special dispensation from Hashem to watch the game) was roarection-inducing to the nth degree. Dominant O-line play. Sonic and Knuckles galloping through gaping holes. Jared and Sun God making incredible shit look easy. A 7-sack sack-a-thon against one of the most evasive QBs of all time.The list goes on. And on. And we keep roaring!We look ahead to the Browns (no childish nickname needed), whose fearsome defense is real, but whatevs. We shall destroy them!After the Roar gets truly weird, where we imagine what football would look like if animals were allowed to play. A silverback gorilla at middle linebacker ... Why not? Let's make this happen.Keep roaring, Roar Nation!

The Roar has been restored!All it took was a 50+ ass whipping of the hapless Care Bears, who are in serious trouble if yet another QB ends up sucking you know what. Donkey balls. Just in case you didn't know.Deano regales us with delightful anecdotes and portraits from Ford Field, where he, World Wide Dock, and Big Don roared through the game in person. It was delightful indeed to see the offense roar once again. Jared was lights out and not slept on. Jamo outran the world and hauled in tow massive bombs. A Gibbsplosion was witnessed. The People Mover moved people. Sun God pridefully hauled in tres tuddies. We celebrate the Roar's first sack-a-thon, including Hutch getting on the board. Let's all roar at John Morton, who called a great game and most assuredly relished putting up a 50+ spot against the man he replaced. Speaking of whom, we like to think that maybe BJ is just a little bit regretting leaving the Roar for the Care Bears. It's a lot harder to look like an offensive genius when your QB's got a mouth full of donkey balls.Anyroar ... Next week we roar against the Cravens, whose offense is potent enough to dull our collective roarection. Lomas insanely picks the Roar to win ... and so they shall! ROAR!!!

In this shockingly short episode (less than an hour!) we grudgingly attempt to suss out what the fuck happened in Green Bay.We open with a much needed return to the Serenity Prayer, followed by a sad, depressing, hapless and hopeless breakdown of the debacle that was the Roar's season opener.The all-important o-line is a work in progress, to say the least. Sonic set a record by catching 10 passes for only 31 yards. Jared took what the Peckler's D gave him, which wasn't much. Hutch was double teamed and didn't do much. The offensive play calling felt bland and uninspired.Good thing Week 1 doesn't mean anything, right? Right?So fear not, fellow roaraholics. We got you. The Roar are at home next week against the Care Bears and their shiny new HC, Ben Johnson. We love BJ, but we hope after next Sunday he's seriously questioning his recent career choices.Keep on Roaring!

Welcome to the 7th (!) season of The Roargasm!In this pre-season episode we go completely off the rails.Lomas gives Deano and Uncle Brother permission to kill him if, in old age, he shows signs of dementia. Which gives rise to a discussion of ways to commit suicide appropriate for roaraholics. We work through Uncle Brother's annual pre-season speed round, discussing everything from the Roar's projected record to whether we'll finally celebrate a Bowl victory (yes!) to whether Hutch will dominate (double yes!) and a bunch of other stuff.We end with the first roar of the season, followed by an aimless After-the Roar, featuring appearences by our alter-alter egos, the old NY Jewish ladies.This is it, fellow roaraholics! This is our time! Let's ROAR!

As you might notice, I couldn't bring myself to include the score in this episode's title. If you're reading this, you know what happened. No need to agitate the wound. We open the final episode of a once-glorious season with "The Wreck of Ford Field," sung to the tune of "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald," setting the tone for the sad discussion to follow. There are basically two ways of looking at what happened. Either this was it, the window has closed, and the Lions missed their best chance to get to the Super Bowl. OR ... This was just one of those games where everything goes right for the opponent and everything goes wrong for the Roar. Not to mention the fact that our defense was staffed mostly by guys who wouldn't be playing if not for the Holocaust the swept through the starting lineup. As Winds of Fury has so wisely opined, the Roar shall return next season once again ready to rumble. Still, this loss hurts. And now we have to wait until next season to get out from under the malaise of crushed hopes and dreams. We'll most likely have new offensive and defensive coordinators. Next season's schedule features a gauntlet of playoff teams. And who knows which free agents will return and which shall move on? Nevertheless, The Roargasm shall return. For now, stay strong, Roar Nation. We'll see you on the other side.

Yes, it's a bye week, but The Roargasm never rests! We gather the Supreme Roar Council to review the wildcard games and look ahead to destroying the Cockmanders/Cuckmanderes/Commodore 64s this Saturday eve. We reckon that at home, against a rookie QB, with as many of our guys as possible back from injury, and with the coaching brain trust given a full two weeks to cook up something special, the Roar shall triumph in overwhelming fashion We nod sagely at the demise of the once mighty NFC North, where the Roar rightly reign supreme. We dip into a few Simon and Roarfunkle song parodies. We roar it out and conclude the pod with a lively After the Roar. Let's go, Roar Nation! Let's fucking go!

ROARRRRR! WE ARE KING IN THE NORTH! This jubilant and chaotic episode has it all: The one and only Fantetti beaming in from the Northwest Deano joining from the holy city of Jerusalem! And a full 2 hours of roarection-induced mania in the wake of the Lion's masterful and beguiling dismantling of the Viqueens to capture the NFC North title. We spend a lot of time marveling at the resurgent D, which held to Queens to three measly field goals. We prostate ourselves in front of the majesty of Sonic's 4 TDs. We love Anzalone even more than we already did, which was thought to be impossible. We send flowers to Amik Robertson, who made Justin Jefferson disappear. And we learn, via Amik, that you can't bury what comes from the fucking dirt. I could go on an on, but the point is, ROARRRRRRR! The Lions are Super Bowl favorites. We have home field advantage throughout the playoffs. We have time to get guys healthy. Let's fucking go!

With Deano in the Holy Land, we are graced by the presence of Air Low AND the newly dubbed Hairestotle, aka Lil Air, whose flowing locks are indeed a sight to behold. We begin with a newly revealed chapter of The Book of Jared, which came to Uncle Brother in a dream. Air and Hair regale us with tales of their journey to Levi Stadium, a wicked place where the Roar had not won in many a season. They took full advantage of the free and bottomless concessions and felt at one with Roar Nation, which was out in full effect. We reaffirm that the hook and ladder is NOT a trick play at this point, although we still get to marvel at how flawlessly the Lions pulled it off once again, resulting in a majestic JAMO tuddy. We're not thrilled about our D, which gave up 34 points and a ton of yard to a diminished 69ers squad, but a win's a win, and no matter what else transpired, the Roar finish the season with a perfect road record. We look ahead, with some foreboding, to the epic battle against the Viqueens. It's kinda insane that a 14-win team will be relegated to a wild card spot, but that's how it is when you play in the toughest division in the NFL. That's all for now. Until next Sunday, keep roaring loud and proud!

Ben Johnson is a goddman wizard. Chaotic neutral. His powers of creative deception are off the charts. In fact, there is no chart when it comes to this man's bag of tricks. We spend a good chunk of this pod marveling at the "stumble bumble" trick play, or whatever the hell it's called, just gobsmacked at the audacity of BJ, Jared, and Sonic to make it look like a fumble (or something) to throw the linebackers off the scent. And when Jared rose up like a vengeful demon and tossed a perfect ball to Porta Party ... There was rejoicing throughout the land, except in Chicago, where the pig-like, sub-human people there (except for Uncle Brother, Lady Brother, and their Daughter Brothers, of course) gnashed their teeth, donned sackcloth, and covered themselves in ashes. We also talk about other stuff, although I don't remember many details. There's some debate over what needs to happen for the Roar to claim the top seed and earn a bye. Best if they just win out. Speaking of which, we predict the score against the 69ers, the basic point being that we have no doubt that the Roar will hold nothing back in dishing out sweet revenge against those fuckers. This episode's After the Roar segment is sponsored by the Force Feed an Offensive Lineman Foundation (FFOLF). For only $877 a day, you can help a Lions O-lineman get the calories he needs to keep serving up pancake blocks and for Dan Skipper, in particular, to practice his route running. Happy holidays, all you helpless Roaraholics! Let's fucking go! ROAR!!!!!!

What can we say? The Roargasm crew gets together in person, at Roar Manor (also known as Wallbrook West) in South Haven, MI, only to watch as Marvel Supervillain Josh Allen had his way with our 18th-string D, doing pretty much whatever the fuck he wanted. A 5-TD, 0-INT, nearly 500-yard game from Jared wasn't enough--the first time that's happened in the history of the damn league. And just to rub it in, the football gods claimed several more of our defenders, plus MountGomery, who is out for the season. So ... yeah. That sucks. BUT ... We are still roaring at 12-2, with a chance to secure home field advantage throughout the playoffs over the next three games. And although Mount is out, we still have Sonic, who is built for this shit. Anyhow, we kinda forgot how bad losing sucks. Dealing with it clearly affected our pod-ending roar, which took something like 7 takes to get right. We were so distraught that we forgot to guess the lines and predict the score against the Care Bears next week. So here's a guess: The Roar will take out their frustrations against the Care Bears, Sonic will induce massive roargasms, the Oline will serve up a heaping helping of pancake blocks, and the D--featuring several guys who have literally never played organized football--will hold their own. Lions 34 - Care Bears 17. Roar!

Banged up defense? No problem. Surging Pecklers squad out for revenge? No biggee. Going for it on 4th down when already in field goal range? Of course. And of course we got it, bled the clock, and won the game leaving zero time for the fucking Pecklers to mount a comeback. Lomas and Uncle Brother record Part 1 of the pod during halftime, when it seemed that the Roar was in total control. Lomas and Deano record Part 2 on Friday, with full knowledge of all that transpired. A huge Roar to the D for stifling the Pecklers in the first half and making Love run for his life. And no shame in the D wilting in the 2nd half against a legit good Pecklers team. Another huge Roar to Jared for turning it on at the end and lead us to a come from behind victory. And the biggest ROAR of all to DC, he of the massive balls of rust-proof titanium, for going for it on 4th down to ensure that the Pecks didn't get the ball back with time to tie the game. That's what this team is all about--going full ROAR all the time, every time, taking chances, and being 12-1 for the first time in franchise history. 12-1, folks. 12 and fucking 1! Next up, the Suckallo Billcocks, who are scary as hell. But so are we. Huddle up, Roar Nation! Roar on 3. See ya!

We are thankful for: --A rare Thanksgiving win --The Care Bears sucking massive turkey balls at the end of the game --The o-line and the Sonic/Knuckles ground attack, which remains unstoppable --DC, BH, BJ and the entire coaching staff --Penei for refusing to be tackled by the entire Care Bear's defense --Billy Sims and his 45+ BBQ joint locations --The Roar being 11-1 for the first time in Roar history --The brave staff at Wallbrook who are dealing with an inmate revolt and ongoing hostage situation --Fantetti, for being himself --And for Roaraholics across this great land!

In this episode: --Lomas recounts wading into enemy territory, into the fetid bowls of the hellhole known as Lucas Oil Stadium, to support the Roar from way up in the fucking nosebleeds. Among hundreds, maybe thousands, of fellow Roaraholics! --We spend a little time on what was, as Deano put it, a ho-hum 18-point road win. Nothing flashy. No trick plays or record-setting performances. Just the People Mover moving people and Sonic and Knuckles doing their shit and Jared playing a controlled, confident, if unspectacular game. --We look ahead to Thanksgiving, a day on which the Lions have not won since 2016. That will change against the Care Bears, who look tougher than their record indicates but will get their asses beat nonetheless. --We eagerly Roar to get to After the Roar, upon which ... well ... I honestly don't remember much. We entered realms unseen, where space and time dissolved and reformed in the shape of a roaring lion. --Uncle Brother recounts an encounter with a naked man walking through a forest --We conclude After the Roar in a state of total stupefaction, forever changed.

In this episode ... I mean, what's there left to say? The Roar did what they were supposed to do: beat the absolute shit out of one of the worst teams in the league. Jared returned to his MVP-level ways, pitching a pretty much perfect game. The People Mover moved people. Knuckles and Sonic did their thing. Sun God shined forth. Jamo was Jamo. Branch laid wood. Za'Darius got .5 of a sack! We most likely got Doug Pederson fired. Good times! Other stuff: Deano records lying down in bed, making him look a little bit like the guy in "The Whale." We spend a good chunk of the episode running down our list of silly, pejorative names for other teams, cracking ourselves up along the way. We three-part roar with confidence like the grizzled vets we are. And we'll see all you unrepentant roaraholics next week, when Lomas will be in person to witness the Roar embarrass the Dolts in their own dome. Roar!

And with two 50+ yard field goals, Master Jake Bates has kicked himself into the Lions Kicking Circle of Fame, joining Eddy Murray and Jason Hanson (and probably also Matt Tater) as part of the proud lineage of superlative roaring kickers. Seriously, Master Bates was incredibly clutch, painting the upright on a 52-yard game-winning boot. This was easily the Roar's toughest win. Jared threw 5(!) picks, although only two were legit, and even those seemed like miscommunication instead of sucky throws. The People Mover stopped moving. CJ Stroud and co. put up 23 in the first half. But our D roared back, shutting those fuckers out in the 2nd half. And The People Mover started moving, and Jared found a little rhythm. And we fucking won, despite everything! Next week we're at home for a Jagoffuars feast. We should demolish those losers. Let's keep winning, baby! ROAR!

On the road at Lambeau. In the pouring rain. Against a really good (or so we thought) Pecklers squad with a hotshot QB and sturdy Oline. Without our best defender for most of the game. And guess what? It didn't fucking matter. The Roar did their thing, the Pecklers folded, and we're along atop the division at 7-1. ROAR! In this diabolical episode, we celebrate what's become routine for the Lions: winning every which way, no matter the circumstances and no matter the opponent. We Marvel at yet another spectacular Jared performance. We honor the People Mover and the Gibbs-Montgomery onslaught. We revel in Jordan Love fumbling approximately 532 snaps. And, for some reason, we spend long chunks of the pod assuming the characters of New York Jewish mothers with raspy voices. We make predictions for next week, once again on the road, against the Texans--a name so lame we haven't even really bothered to come up with a stupid nickname. Be sure to listen to "After the Roar" for more nonsense. ROAR!

Cue the sitar music and backwards guitars solo. This game was a weird, glorious, pyschedelic experience. Jared had around 80 yard passing. The Titans rolled up 416 yards of offense and ran 71 plays to the Roar's 47. Final score? Lions 52, Titans 14 of course! What the fuck? We marvel at the statistical oddities of this strange game. Jared continues to ball out, going 12/15 for 85 yards and 3 TDs, which seems impossible. Gibbs does his best Sonic impression. Kind David tosses a TD pass! The D gave up big plays and lots of yards but still held the hapless Titans to 14 points. Anyhow, it's on to Green Bay, for the biggest game of the season so far against the Peckers, who also won this week. We hate the Peckers and hate that they've enjoyed stellar QB play for the past 73 years and are good. We want to destroy them. And we shall. ROAR!

Man, are we in a good mood! The Roar roared a mighty roar and were simply the better team against the Viqueens. Who, to be fair, also played well. The Queens are good! But we're fucking better! For the first time ever in our roaraholic lifetimes, we can claim with absolute confidence that the Lions are better than most teams we play. Mindblowing. We just can't say enough in this episode about how well the Roar are playing. Jared is on an absolute tear. It's a shock when he throws an incompletion. Gibbs was electric. Sun God was Sun God. And the D held their ground when it mattered most. Brian. Fucking. Branch. Right? Bottom line, being able to march into that loud-ass dome and win against an undefeated squad with a really good defense and the best receiver in football is fucking awesome. We roar on to next week against the Titans, who are so bad, we're not even really trying to come up with a cock-themed nickname. Roar with pride, Roar Nation! Roar as One!

Let's start with the bitter. An otherwise smashing victory was marred by Hutch breaking his fucking leg while sacking Dak. That was horrible and a devastating loss. We wish him a speedy recovery and a full return to destroying opposing QBs. Now for the sweet! The Roar put on an offensive display for the ages, absolutely stomping the Cockboys on their own field. Where to begin? Perhaps with the double reverse flea flicker 50-yard TD to LaPorta? Or maybe you prefer Jared's bomb to a streaking Jamo for a spectacular TD. Then there was the called-back lateral to Penei for an almost TD. (Bullshit call, of course). And, as always, we were once again treated to a two-headed monster of a running attack that absolutely demoralized the Cockboys and left them with no hope. This was Ben Johnson's game, a true masterpiece of smashmouth combined with trickeration. We loved all of it (minus the Hutch injury, obviously): every 7-yard run; every wide open completion; every shot of Mike McCarthy staring into the middle distance like Lion's coaches of yore. Now it's on to meet the Viqueens and their really fucking good defense. In Brad and DC we trust. Roar.

ROAR! In this episode we celebrate the Lion's long-awaited offensive explosion. We begin with a reading from a newly deciphered chapter of The Book of Jared. We honor David Monty's incredible 40 yard scamper. We marvel at Sun God's "Philly Special" TD toss to Jared. We speak in awed terms of Jamo taking a simple crossing route pass and turning it into an epic TD. And of course we fall to our knees in disbelief at Jared's perfect, 18/18 performance. In short, we're pretty fucking psyched that the Roar marched forward down the field with ease and did so with such style and swagger. But Deano, in particular, is kinda bothered by the fact that the Cocks also marched all around the field, meeting little resistance from our still-a-work-in-progress D. But generally, we're happy to head into the bye week coming off a big win, and look forward to fucking up the Cowgirls/Cockboys in a couple of weeks. Until then, Shanah Roarah to one and all. Roar!

The Roargasm crew breaks down the Lions impressive road win over the Fartinals. First, Deano improvises a new tune, called "Lady Lomas," that has a lot of potential. Back to the game ... The good: The Lions win on the road against a squad that won big the week before. The Roar defense was great overall. The Lions offense finally clicked during the first half, looking like the high flying unit we've come to know and love. The not so good: --The offense bogged down in the 2nd half, although we suspect the run-heavy game plan had something to do with that --Arnold continues to rack up PI penalties --We have 9 damn penalties, which pretty much kept the Farts in the game But it's a road win, so we'll gladly take it. On to next week, against the Seacocks, who've given us trouble in the past. Join us in hoping for a roaring victory against the 3-0 Cocks, who are probably not as good as their record suggests. Roar.

It truly sucks when your team loses a game they coulda/shoulda won, even though they kinda sucked mid-sized donkey balls, doesn't it? The Roargasm crew is appropriately subdued after a disappointing loss at home to the Fucaneers, who were missing approximately 98% of their starters in the secondary. We're mostly concerned that the offense hasn't really clicked yet. Has anyone seen Sam LaPorta? Jared, meanwhile, had to wash the taste of donkey balls from his mouth after the game. What's with the missed throws and horrible interceptions? Something's off. We shall consult the Book of Jared for wisdom and comfort. But unlike in Lions seasons past, BDC (Before Dan Campbell), we're not panicking and declaring the season over. It's just one game, people. A few bright spots: Hutch went ballistic with 4.5 sacks. Dude was unstoppable. Sun God bounced back with 10+ catches for 100+ yards. Jamo had another pretty good game (although he disappeared for long stretches). Jack Fox delivered a strike for a first down on a glorious fake punt! DC gave another magnificent halftime interview, digging deep and owning his mistake at the end of the first half. Speaking of which, that was a game-changing fuck up. DC is only human, folks. We still love the guy, of course. Anyhow, on to Arizona next week, to face a Fartinals teams that blew out the Rams today. Oy. It's a good thing the Lions are built for this shit. 'Cause we're not sure we are. Roar.

Welp, game 1 is in the books, and thanks to the ghost of Bobby Layne it's a W for the Roar. In this episode: --We share our game watching experiences --Uncle Brother shares a bed with a fellow roaraholic --Deano, having survived the Ford Field frenzy, looks like crap and is barely conscious --We marvel at how cool it is to have a smash mouth running attack, especially late in games --We also marvel at Matty Staff, who looked better than ever and could not be stopped --We wonder what the hell was going on with Sun God and Laporta, who did virtually nothing the entire game --We applaud Jared's epic, 7-yard scamper for a crucial 1st down --We love DC more than ever, after his impassioned halftime interview --We are fucking pumped about the Jamo outburst! --We're exhausted and wonder if we'll be able to hold up physically and mentally for the entire season. --We end, as always, with a melodious 3-part harmonized Roar ... With Deano starting out in the deep end! Uncle Brother following with a note high enough in the register to force Lomas to go falsetto. In short: It wasn't pretty, but it's a W, and we'll gladly take it. Until next time, Roar.

Hola, Roar Nation! The Roargasm is back, with a preseason episode that will blow your hair back and give you a roarection the size and duration of which will alarm you. We review our responses to the annual preseason questionnaire (courtesy of Uncle Brother) to predict the Lion's fortunes. And guess what? We're (mostly) all in on the Lions going all the way! Seriously. We know, as lifelong Lions fans, that picking the Roar to win the Super Bowl seems insane. But that's where we are, bitches! It's SB or bust, baby! We also debut two new songs: Deano's show-opening "Bite Them Caps" and Impossible Lomas' show-closing "Built for This Shit". So join us, Roar Nation, on what is sure to be a wild ride!

What's this? An offseason pod? Hell yeah! Deano, Uncle B, and Lomas are in peak offseason form for this low-energy episode. All we can really say is that Brad Holmes and DC have our unmitigated trust that they're making the right moves to shore up the D, stabilize the O line after the departure of Jonah Jackson, and generally keep things humming. Query: Is next season Super Bowl or bust? Will anything less than a Bowl appearance equate to a failure? Seems unfathomable, right? Yet, here we are. Another burning question: Is the new recording platform we're using roar-enabled? Listen to the end to find out!

Where to begin? With a newly revealed chapter of The Book of Jared, of course. Lomas was AT THE GAME and lived to tell the tale. Brad Johnson is coming back for another run at a chip! Anyway, there are basically two ways to look at what happened: 1) The Lions had the game in hand and blew it, squandering a chance to go to the GODDAMN SUPER BOWL!; 2) The Lions are still a year or so away and needed to go through the agony of defeat to take the next step. The Roargasm chooses route 2. Just like the Pistons in '87, the Roar will use the heartbreak of losing a game they should have won to fuel go into next season even hungrier, knowing they belong amongst the elite teams. We shall most likely pod again before the beginning of next season. But until then, thank you for roaring with us throughout what's been a truly incredible and historic season. Study the Book of Jared, offer thanks to Ben Johnson, and keep ROARING!

Ho hum. The Detroit Lions won another playoff game, at home against the Fuccaneers. No big deal, nothing to see here. EXCEPT THAT THE LIONS ARE PLAYING IN THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP! We were the better team. We were at home. We were favored. And so of course we SHOULD have won. But damn, after 30 solid years of ineptitude and dashed dreams, it was hard to harbor too much hope. And yet here we are. On to San Fran, a very scary and formidable team against whom we have absolutely nothing to lose. Anything is possible. Possible is anything. Let's go! ROAR!!!!!!

It only took 30 years ... 3 solid decades of broken hopes and dreams ... multiple generations of roaraholics passing on the disease from father to son ... But, as God is our witness ... THE DETROIT LIONS WON A GODDAMN PLAYOFF GAME! Air-Low and Deano (all the way from the Holy Land!) phone in to help us process this historic moment. The game was about as good as it gets. Both teams balling out, doing their thing. Matty Staff was great, slinging no-look sidewinders all over the field. Jared was even better, remaining calm and collected throughout a really close game. Bottom line, Jared made the throws when it really mattered, leading the Lions to a fucking playoff victory. We're in uncharted territory now, people. The last time the Lions ventured into the mystical land known as the Second Round, they got smoked. Let us beseech the football gods to grant the Roar good fortune against the Fucaneers. Roar.

Yes, Lomas and Uncle Brother kept recording throughout the entire game. This one's for the truly hopeless roaraholics. Meaning anyone listening to this podcast. So, dive in, guys! See you on the other, glorious side!

Uncle Brother and Lomas make the pilgrimage to South Haven to witness the most important Lions game in 30 years. We do all we can to keep our shit together as game time approaches.

Recorded on a tropical Island, this infamous lost episode is finally unearthed and published! To recap, Lomas and Deano were in the British Virgin Islands for a Wallbrook-mandated Roar detox program. Which did not work, since we watched the Roar once again get jobbed in Dallas by the Cockboys and the worst reffing crew in the NFL. While Deano was away snorkeling, Lomas recorded from the beach with Uncle Brother, in the cold, windy (possibly also snowy) Chicagoland area. The idea was to record with Deano later, which never happened. Anyhow, we bemoan the Roar winning, then losing on a clearly fucked up call by the refs. We decide that, in the world of RAA and The Roargasm, the Lions won in Dallas. That's our story, and we're sticking with it. Inspired by the island setting, Lomas and UB invent the best TV show ever: Lions Fantasy Island. In each episode, roaraholics visit the island, met by a silver-haired Gary Danielson and a little person with the head of Wanye Fontes, to live out their Lions fantasies. But be careful what you wish for, as even the most hoped for Roar fantasy can--and will--have twists and turns you didn't see coming! Anyhow, if you're listening to this episode after the pre-playoff episode, might wanna stop and listen to that episode first, Actually, do what you want. You're a grown man (we have only male listeners, I'm nearly certain). Roar.

That's right! Lambs! That's what we think of the pretty boys from LA coming into OUR HOUSE in the D! Lomas has returned from the tropics, but Deano has once again set off, this time to Israel, to score some contraband Ejaculions. So, it's just Lomas and Uncle Brother this time. Until, that is, the bold entrance of none other than Air-Low! Like a wrestler storming the ring back in the days of Hillbilly Jim and The Iron Sheik! We somehow simultaneously look back to the win against the Cockrings AND ahead to the epic matchup against Matty Staff and the Lambs. Uncle Brother and Air Low tag team up to convince Lomas that the Roar are the better team and should win ... and Lomas submits! (Lomas, who, by the way, totally nailed the 12-5 regular season prediction.) Lomas and UB will convene in person in South Haven to watch the game, hoping that the scenic shores of Lake Michigan will help us somehow keep our shit together and our roaraholacism somewhat in check. Spoiler alert: It won't. So, let us ROAR together into the playoffs, and pray that the playoff gods grant Sam LaPorta a speedy recovery!

Welp, it only took 30 years, but the Roar are once again Kings in the North! Long live the King! The Roargasm crew celebrates the Roar marching into Minnesota and taking down the Cockrings. Yes, our donkey ball sucking D gave up big yards to their 12th string QB, but we also picked him off 4 times. That dude is an all-time chucker, as likely to throw a Kenny Wobbler as he is to thread a 30-yard strike for a TD. The offense, meanwhile, after a couple of shaky possessions, got going and did what they had to do against a very good defense. As benefiting a QB with a sacred book detailing his exploits, Jared was on fire, slicing and dicing and getting shit done. Gibbs and Monty continue to operate as a two-headed problem for opposing defenses. Anyhow, Roar Nation, all that really matters is that the Lions are division kings with a home playoff game in the bag. But can we win said playoff game? What if it's against Matty Staff and the Rams (still working on a cock-related moniker)? We'll deal with that insanity if/when need be. Until then, let us ROAR as one and celebrate this accomplishement! ROAR!!!!!!

This very special episode features a very special guest: the one and only Fantetti, he of the scalding hot takes and world-weary cynicism. Uncle Brother opens with a 100% factually accurate biography of Fantetti and how he came to spew a non-stop torrent of anti-Lions (and anti-Pistons) vitriol. But even Fantetti joins in as we celebrate the Lions beatdown of the Donkeys (our name for the Broncos--we couldn't come up with a name with "cock" in it. Sorry). A bit of controversy brews as Lomas and Fantetti team up to cast doubt on Jared's long-term future with the team, which we're aware may seem stupid in the wake of Jared's 5-TD, 0-INT performance. Lomas hammers home the point that the fate of this year's squad rests on the health of the O-line. We look ahead to the next game on the road against the Minnesota Cockrings (good one!), who apparently do not have a QB worth even a single shit. We end with an insanely ambitious 4-part roar, with mixed results, including a synth malfunction. Thanks once again to Fantetti for brining his mustache into the Roargasm arena, as well as his humor and for the fact that he had the Pistons game on in the background so he could watch loss #24 in a row while re recorded. Good times!

We open with a return to the traditional serenity prayer, followed by a fiery sermon from Deano, chastising Roar Nation for having been seduced by false football god and having the vanity to believe that the Roar had truly been restored. We ponder the mystery of the Lions current swoon. Is it the O Line? Is it Jared? Have other teams figured out a way to stymie our formerly fearsome offense? Other than Gibbs ripping off some nice runs and the Roar coming alive in the second quarter, there's not much else to dwell on. Nothing good, anyhow. The Pistons, meanwhile, are now 2-20 and have lost 19 in a row. Tough times in the D. roar

In the aftermath of the Roar's split personality road win against the Taints, we huddle to determine what this strange game portents for the rest of the season. Any win on the road is as good win, but damn if our shitty D didn't make David Carr look like Pat Mahomes, slinging it. The play of the game was our man Bruce Irvin driving Carr into the dirt and knocking him out of the game. In came journeyman Jameis Winston, who was not good. We praise Jamo, who showed off his superhuman burst and unveiled a beautiful swan dive into the end zone. The doubly praise Sam LaPorta, who caught all the passes. The run game was pretty good, too. Anyhow, the Roar are 9-3, have a very good offense, a bad defense, and a schedule that should result in a home playoff game. We look ahead to avenging the almost loss to the Bears next week and try to roar it out but are once again stymied by Zoom. Roar.

The Roargasm crew sift through the wreckage of the Lion's Thanksgiving loss to the Slackers. Those cheesehead fuckers are clearly better than when we beat their ass earlier in the season. But our O-line looked alarmingly shaky and our defense sucked the most donkey balls it's sucked in a while. Deano even suggests that it might be time to start sleeping on Jared a little bit. We have no special insights, people. We're as baffled and wary as the rest of Roar Nation. Here's the deal. The Lions are 8-3, with a pretty soft remaining schedule. They're still (probably) playoff bound. A convincing win against the New Orleans Taints would definitely help bolster our spirits. So, we'll see what happens this Sunday. If the Roar win, we're back on track. If they lose, we'll be recording the next episode from Wallbrook. Roar.

With Uncle Brother living it up in Europe, Lomas, Deano, and super special guest Big Don Feldman marvel at the Roar's absurd comeback against the Bears. After dining at the donkey ball buffet for most of the game, Jared and the offense rode the silver Lion all the way to an instant-classic come from behind victory. Hutch put the cherry on top with a strip sack safety, after which he punted the ball into the stands. Which was awesome. Did the defense go back to the buffet for seconds and thirds? Yes, it did. The D will be shitting donkey balls for the foreseeable future. But we'll take the W. And now, here's looking at you, Green Bay. We are going to try extremely hard to kick your ass. Happy fucking Thanksgiving. Special thanks to Big Don for filling in for UB. Speaking of which: Uncle Brother, get your ass back to the United States. It's Lions Thanksgiving football, for the ghost of Bobby Layne's sake!

First, we're super-excited about the addition of Donovan Peoples-Jones to to the Roar family. Not necessarily because he's such an amazing player--although maybe he is ... we have no idea!--but really because the name "Donovan Peoples-Jones" is next level. We simply love it and can't get enough, and are already well along the path toward composing and recording a song in DPJ's honor. Anyhow, The Roar took care of business at home against a pretty shitty Raiders squad. Many thanks to Jimmy G for being a below-average QB and giving the Lions D a chance to bounce back and feel good about themselves again. We marvel at Jahmyr Gibbs' breakout performance and hope it's the beginning of something special. Sam Laporta continues to delight. It's nice going into the bye week 6-2, with a road contest against the Chargers on the horizon. Hopefully the week off will allow the mighty OLine to return to full strength. And we hope and pray that Dan Campbell will use his healing powers to get David Montgomery back in the huddle. Although his absence has provided Gibbs' plenty of opportunity to shine. So, enjoy the bye, watch plenty of tape, get some rest, and let's look forward to beating the shit out of the Chargers in a few weeks. Roar.