Trails of Thought podcast

Sometimes, when I listen back over voice notes, I noticed a whiney tone in my voice. It hasn't changed since I was a belligerent teenager. I also notice that when I'm slightly stressed, my voice sounds a bit forced... Idk, there's a subtle shift in tone. Of course, it's not just our tone of voice that can change depending on our emotional state, but we're all probably aware of our own accents and how they sometimes change. Not just when we change locations, but also due to nervousness, trying to fit in, or trying to stand out.And slightly different accents can cause a bit of confusion. I've not only had to speak differently, in order to be understand by non-native English speakers, but I've had to change my accent to be understood by Americans. Though that's only happened once if I'm honest. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

OK, just finishing my thoughts regarding my recent conflict with Steve. Why is it playing on my mind so much? Why do I care? How can I get Steve to respect me like I'm Idris Elba & Judy Dench's love child? Obs, all my thoughts & worries about Steve are projections of my own insecurity. When I worry that he - or anyone else - doesn't like or will reject me, it's basically a reflection of my own self-rejection.Sometimes when I'm feeling particularly sensitive and everything just feels a bit harder or annoying, I'm able to remind myself that it's just a dark cloud passing over, making everything seem darker than it really it. But clouds always pass eventually. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I've been doing a lot of rambly voice notes lately, that have ended up in the bin. This voice note is an attempt to summarise them all. I talk about going through a bit of burn out lately, and how I'm planning to recharge and recuperate. And why I'm more than happy to limit my social interactions as we come to the end of the year.I talk about being emotionally sensitive and reactive, and how I've been trying to cope with that and resolve it in my own head. And yes, my old friend "Steve" comes up again! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Literally just talking about how much I hate cooking. Whether it's for myself or anyone else, I quite simply can't be arsed. If you find it a right bore too, then I've got a couple of hacks for you here. As well as potentially dangerous things to avoid with eggs! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sometimes a good old metaphor can really help you make sense of how you feel. It can even help to try and express it to other people too.I've had a lot of anxiety through out my life and so have had plenty to turn into metaphors. Sometimes it's like an emergency hand brake in my brain. And the rest of me is desperately trying to keep my foot on the accelerator pedal and move forwards. Sometimes it's like a mass of black flies buzzing around in my mind.At other times, it's like the most inefficient app that drains energy and RAM away from all the other apps, putting you in malfunction mode. How do you turn it off when you discover it's been constantly running in the background and is causing all your low energy?I woke up today and slowly realised I'd left the anxiety app on overnight. No wonder I felt so groggy! I was able to eventually sit down and figure out what it was trying to help me work through. And I did manage to feel a bit better after. Here's how... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thinking about a few occasions that I was either scammed, or people attempted to scam me, when I travelled. Yes, I know I have been incredibly naive and gullible. And also lucky that no harm's come of it.The premise of these scams all pre-date internet banking and are based on good old fashioned tom foolery. Well, more fool you scammers! Because I am tight and don't go flashing my cash or chucking money around. On one occasion, I didn't even realise someone had been trying to scam me, until a few hours later. Yes, I am that oblivious at times.Still, they're the stories and scenarios I remember from travelling. And they all happened because I like to go along with things, have a bit of an adventurous spirit, and see what happens. Or maybe I'm just a massive wally. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I finally remembered the name of the 90s talk show host I'd wanted to reference yesterday - Jeremy Springer of course. Which had me thinking about our British spinoffs - Trisha, and most depressingly of all, Jeremy Kyle.I also share about the times I was in the audience in live TV show recordings - basically pensioners, students, super fans and people who don't have day jobs. Lol.Some of this leads me down the trail of why women have always been expected to "look attractive" on TV - and are actually complained about - in a way that men are not. Which is kind of fitting considering all the ridiculous reactions to a recent young actress being secretly snapped in her bikinis while she's just hanging out by her own pool. Depressing that this is still the norm! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

After a pilates class with a particularly touchy instructor, I think of all the scenarios in which I can legitimately and appropriately get touched by strangers. And I love it. The feeling of physical human touch is the most reassuring and comforting thing to me. And if someone just wants to lie on top of me, fully dressed, I'm so up for it. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Just a quickie as I'm running late...for a pilates class, baby! But a blocked nose and ears had me wanting to message you. I'm really confident that my constantly bunged up sinuses is a reaction to stress. So in case you're wondering, here's what I've been doing about it. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you find yourself craving sugar, carbs, fat or generally caloricious foods? Yes I know that's totally normal and comfort eating as a well-known thing. But you never hear people dive deeper into it. Well, I haven't anyway. So this is where I rectify that, and talk about specific times I've noticed what feels like a purely physical urge to eat, as a direct response to a slightly stressful situation.Amongst the chat, I have a right bitch about the Student Loans department of the UK Government and how I'm pretty sure they gaslit me....or were at least taking the piss anyway. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I know what gratitude is supposed to be this amazing thing that improves our health and all that. But sometimes, I'm in that much a funk, writing gratitude lists just makes me feel even worse. Like "great, I'm so broken and ungrateful, that even all these lovely things in my life don't make any difference. What's wrong with me?!"But over the years, I've managed to find - what I reckon - is a good way of noticing nice things around, and affirming signs of humanity. It won't necessarily pull you out of a depression, but I think it's pretty fool proof if you want to be a bit grounded and find something cheering in your surroundings.Before that though, I reflect on being hyper conscious of people with LOUD voices, and generally irritating noises. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's another day of can't be arsed! Which entails a lot of sitting around in my apartment, looking at my laptop. The only issue is, I have neighbours who can potentially see it all. Is it really so shameful if other people see how inactive I sometimes am.I talk about the lengths I go to to stop people seeing my 'shameful habits' and wonder why it's so important that total strangers don't judge me. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

After yesterday's rant about a work acquaintance, Steve, I read an email that made me realise I'd been hasty in my wrath. Sorry Steve!This makes me reflect on how sensitive I've been lately. An innocuous text message from a friend can have me fuming. A bit of (unasked for) advice from my dad had me crying in frustration and mentally deciding that our relationship was done for!Thankfully, I've been somewhat able to keep myself in check and not burn down all my bridges. But man, it's been a tough week. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I basically have a big offload about a guy (who I call Steve...until I don't), and miscommunication at work.I know I constantly go on about ADD. But honestly, I was only diagnosed about 2.5 years ago. So I'm still figuring it all out and observing how much it affects so many aspects of my daily life. And f*cking hell, it affects a lot!Not everything is down to that though. It's also down to being socialised as a woman and dealing with all the usual things that come with that socialisation - self-doubt, imposter syndrome, dealing with different communication styles to the opposite sex! Crikes, that's also a lot to deal with too.So anyway, after a work miscommunication, I'm really wound up. I tell you all about it, as well as noticing how much a "small thing" has affected me over the last 14 hours.Oh, trigger warning, I briefly mention having experienced an eating disorder for 30 years....completely got my maths wrong, it was closer to 20 years. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You don't have to be neurodivergent to benefit from boundary setting. Perhaps you're a chronic people pleaser or generally prone to anxiety and depression. Or perhaps you find that you seem to keep ending up in annoying relationships, exhausting social interactions, or just fed-up of all the people! Good news, while locking yourself away and becoming a hermit is one solution, it's not the only one. You can also set healthier boundaries for yourself. Yes, I know this word has been used LOADS in the past few years, and sounds a bit too "therapy talk", but they're so important for healthy relationships, your self-esteem and all-round health and peace of mind.After my current spout of anxiety & sensitivity, I reflect on recent interactions and how I can keep setting better boundaries to maintain my health and sanity.The boundaries I talk about might seem like kind of small things, but they're a great place to start. Because like anything, being able to set boundaries is like exercising a new muscle. Start small & simple, and just keep practising it. In fact, the more you set boundaries in low-stake interactions (like a random man in a bar, or a loose acquaintance) the better you'll get at setting them with scary people like family members, best friends, bosses & romantic partners. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Keeping things literal today. If you're into feet, this is the voice note for you baby! Do you have bunions? Do you think they're just down to genetics? Or that there's nothing to be done about them? Wrong.Find out why you actually have bunions. Although men suffer from them too (just check out my dad's feet if you're brave enough),you'll find misogyny has a lot to do with it.While I'm not a doctor or chiropodist, I reckon I can tell you some better information than a lot of them. If you've got kids and you're concerned about them developing bunions too, you probably want to listen to this. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorry for leaving things a while. As I share with you in this voice note, I've had a lot of anxiety recently and my nervous system has felt out of whack. Which has made it really hard to talk coherently. I chat to you about how much more there is to think about in modern life, compared to 'back in the day', y'know when we were hunter gatherers and didn't have to deal with an overload of news, decisions, different social interactions, debating about politics and structural inequalities, or what to buy our brother-in-law for Christmas.OK, I know barely anything about hunter gatherers and the tribal life vibes. I don't even know how long ago that was. But I'm pretty sure they didn't have so much faff to process on a daily basis.I talk about what happens to me when I get this system-overload. Perhaps this is related to being neurodivergent, but it's deffo a fact that no human brain is designed to process all this information and constant input. No wonder the world's going to pot! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The ick is a concept that's become pretty mainstream over the past few years. I was thinking about why and when people get icks in relationships - where they come from, and what your subconscious is trying to convey to you when you have one.I chat about a friend who often gets the ick after a few weeks of dating. In one of these relationships, the young guy she was dating sometimes spoke about wanting to be a soldier in WWII. To be fair, that'd put me off anyone, too! But I psycho-analyse her and why this tends to happen in her tinder flings.That leads me to thinking about Erica and Jordon from 2023's MAFS UK, and how she said his haircut gave her the ick on their wedding day. On reflection, the guy was obviously trying to look like a famous young football player. Which is icky because it shows that he's basically trying to live off his vague resemblance to someone else. Doesn't show much character or self-confidence does it?I finish off saying that, even if an ick seems superficial, judgey or plain fussy, you should still acknowledge it as it might be telling you something deeper about yourself. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I've stopped thinking about Kieran from the latest series of MAFS UK, and have turned my attention to Luke. What was going on with that guy? Why could he seem genuinely decent, and then genuinely creepy? How could he show self-reflection and empathy, but then be so immature and thoughtless? His fixation on sex talk, as a way to bond or whatever makes me question whether he's just grown up watching too much porn. Ew.Think about it. He tries to turn every scene and scenario into the opening of a porn scene (stripping off at any excuse), constantly talks about sexual acts even when the other person does not want to engage, and equates a proper relationship with sex sex sex. And listen, I'm not saying sex isn't an important part of an adult relationship. But it's just one bit of it. And it's irrelevant if the other stuff (trust, respect, intimacy, support etc. etc.) isn't there.And of course, I give my own take on his final words in that letter to Amy, about doing things to bum holes.Whatever the reason, this is obviously someone who needs to develop a few skills before he's ready for a proper, adult relationship. Let's hope he figures things out! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Just having a rant about people who set up their mobile phones in yoga classes. Ew, why? And if my camel toe is accidentally captured in the background..then, well I guess you're welcome. Gym selfies, recorded exercise routines....I don't get it. You're already working out, who has the extra headspace to record themselves on their phone too? I get that some people are influencers and their livelihood depends on it. I also get that sometimes people capture 'interesting interactions' that they're then compelled to share online. And I get that many gyms now depend on it for marketing. Doesn't mean I have to like it though! I did notice a sign that my local free outdoor yoga class has now banned people from using their phones during the class, and I'm all for it! Like, who needs to have their phone out during a yoga class anyway?p.s Not that I'm "on the apps" anymore, but when I was, any kind of gym selfie was an absolute turn-off for me. It's like tell me you're basic, without telling me you're basic. Right? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Probably recorded this after watching the final commitment ceremony and episode of MAFSUK this year. After hearing a bit more about Kieran and Kristina's relationship and his decision not to stay with her, I have more empathy for him. I still find his hair cut annoying though. Will I be watching the New Zealand and Australian series? Absolutely not! I've spent far too much time pondering about the love lives of people I've never met. It has to stop somewhere. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Again, I can't remember exactly what I said now. Something else to do with Kieran. Am I just secretly obsessed with him or something?! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I recorded this last week, so I actually can't remember what I said. But it's probably something to do with relationships, boundaries, decisions and honesty. I have found fault with some of Keiran's behaviour and personality traits (including my bafflement at people saying he's "funny"). But one thing I admire is his lack of toxic masculinity - at least compared to some of the other people on MAFSUK this year. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Upon reading a sex therapist's tip for all women to use mirrors to 'get to know' their vaginas, I reflect on why even experts shy away from saying vulva. Because most of the time, when we say vagina, we're actually referring to the vulva. So, I'm on a mission to get everyone using the proper word and stop being so weird about it!Expanding upon this, I reveal that I'm still a bit ignorant about all the parts of the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle. To be fair though, I'm terrible at remembering LOADS about the human body and its systems, so it's not just female specific.Anyway, this leads me on to talking about how D.H Lawrence used the C*** word in Lady Chatterly's Lover. Not because he was a saucy so & so, but because he wanted to return the word to its original use and meaning. He wanted to celebrate women's c***s, along with their sexuality. No wonder the book was banned at the time - which I realised after was more likely to be in the 1920s, after the FIRST World War (not the second, which I said by mistake. Honest. I do know the dates of both World Wars).So, uncover your ears and listen to me talking about vaginas, vulvas and c***s. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Got MAFS UK Kieran on my mind. His indecision in his relationship to Kristina led me to think about our agency in relationships. When he keeps going on about being stuck and not knowing what to do, he's acting as though the situation is 'static'. That if he continues his relationship with her, he'll be going down one specific, carved out path, with no point of return. He acts as if he's no role to play in it. He talks about how she needs more emotional support than he can give, and he'll risk losing himself in the process. Guess what Kieran mate, that's on you. You get to decide how much you give, and how you set priorities in any relationship. It's not always easy, especially if you've got the habit of being a 'saviour' or haven't always had great boundaries. But that's something any of us can work on, at any point in our lives or relationships. Talking about Kieran made me reflect on my holiday with family, my own boundaries, and why I got so burnt out. I'd gone into the holiday that thinking being a great sister or aunt, meant I had to be constantly "on it" and ready take care of my nephew at every moment. I realised a bit late that that's unrealistic and not necessary. When you try to be a saviour, and make yourself readily available to anyone at every moment, you end up being useful to no one. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Got back from holiday and despite all the lovely moments and memories, I'm knackered! Being around people - even people you love - 24/7 can be exhausting. Especially if you're someone who relies on alone time to recharge. Consider my battery depleted! I kept up to date on MAFSUK while away and Kieran's indecision around his relationship with Kristina was doing my nut in. Sh*t or get off the pot as they say! It made me think how people pretend to themselves that they "don't know", when deep down, I think we do always know. It also made me reflect on why we do or don't fancy some people. Whether they tick all the boxes, or have a load of red flags, this rule of attraction still seems elusive. This led me off on a trail of thought towards really wanting things, until you actually have it. Guess what, the grass is never greener. Even if you get your dream job, dream partner, or dream grass, everything requires hard work and maintenance. That's life. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

First day of holiday and I wake up slightly early. Then the power goes before I can have my second brew! Once the electricity has been restored, I talk about having relied on audiobooks to help me sleep, ever since I can remember. Yes, I used to fall asleep to tapes. The next day, I'd have to rewind it and figure out at which point of the story I fell asleep the night before. Being on holiday has me thinking about how being around family can stress you out, even when they're lovely people and you get on with them. C'est la vie! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Still at the airport. Seeing a few British TV shows come out recently, focused on middle-aged men travelling together, has had me reflecting on why there's such a proliferation of these TV shows. And very few that focus on the female equivalent. This led to trails of thought on how we treat men and women's versions of midlife crisis so differently, the Gender Pain Gap and longevity. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Messaging from the airport as I wait for my family to arrive. In my last message I was smug because packing the holiday was going to plan. Should have known shouldn't I? Ended up staining all my clean bedsheets, 2 hours before I was due to leave. FYI, still haven't gotten it all out! Also, since this message is recorded in a cafe, the audio isn't great. Soz. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorry for the delay in schedule. I've been on holiday and naively thought I'd be able to keep recording voice messages. This is a message I recorded on the day of the departure. So I'm in a state of nervous excitement as I get ready to go on holiday. Quietly proud of myself for actually cleaning my flat last night. Quietly amazed that I managed to tick most things off my to-do list and get to the airport in decent time. Caution: I do use the word 'moist' in this podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Don't you find it a bit weird that society often refers to women between the age of 20-40 'girl'? I'm a big fan of the Golden Girls (RIP) and we'll let the name slide since it uses a nice bit of alliteration. But that's the last time anyone should refer to women as girls. Let's leave that in the 80s. We live in a world that loves to diminish and infantilise women. You know, shave off all body hair like a little girl, take on your husband's name, be quiet, pretty and agreeable, don't take up too much space, wear clothing that's hard to move in etc. etc. This common labelling of grown women as 'girl' is just another iteration of this. Calling any female from the age of 20-40 'woman' feels odd - yet that's literally what they are! Why is it that we feel more comfortable with the connotations of being a 'girl' but not a 'woman'. It's like everyone is a 'girl' up until they reach perimenopause and then we drop them into 'woman' territory. What's up with that? I talk about my own personal boycotting of the label 'girl' for anyone over 20. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sure, ghosting isn't good manners. And generally, I don't do it. But with a caveat. Like, when someone is a kn*bhead, and I realise that responding to them would take way more time and energy, than they've put into their messages to me. It seems, some people feel entitled to your respect and consideration when they haven't extended the same to you? Yes, 'No' is a full sentence. But also, total silence can be the best answer. Turns out some men really don't like being ghosted though, and he certainly gave me his own 'one word' response when I later passed him in the street. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I went a bit off piste yesterday talking about the drama triangle and my own personal grievances. So today I have my final attempt at explaining the drama triangle. I don't think I do the victim role justice in this description. Basically, the point of the triangle is when we get into unhealthy relationship dynamics that we repeat over and over, with no one taking accountability for their own emotional experience. The persecutor takes a place of righteous anger, wanting to punish others. The victim feels like everything is done 'to' them and basically disempowers themself or puts the blame on others. And the saviour - to deal with their own discomfort or anxiety etc. - tries to rescue everyone else, coming in to fix things and try and make everything ok. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If you're like me, you're overly polite and conscious of other people's needs and space...to the point that you needlessly go out of your way to make yourself uncomfortable. If you're also like me, you put anyone else who doesn't do this on your mental black list. The recent additions to my list are an older man in a yoga class, who didn't move his shoes out of the way, and a young buck in my apartment building who parked his motorbike almost on top of my scooter. Entitled or what?! I wonder whether I'm projecting my own 'drama triangle' on these random strangers. Putting myself as both victim and persecutor. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you ever find yourself constantly trying to fix things for other people? Like mediating between your mum and dad, or rescuing your latest 'broken beau'? Or perhaps it seems like everything happens to you, and other people just need to stop being kn*b heads. This morning was supposed to be a mindful walk, but my wandering mind decided to talk about the model from psychology, known as the Drama Triangle - victim, persecutor, savior. Towards the end, my walk takes me into a temple area. So, in an attempt to be respectable, I lower my voice. But I reckon I just go too quiet and muffled. Which would have been annoying to listen to. So I've cut the voice mail off there, and will continue chatting about it tomorrow.Also, I said ipad at the beginning, but I meant ipod...I don't walk around talking into an ipad! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you ever secretly wish you could have a non-life threatening illness, just so you can rest for a bit? Perhaps you've caught your brain fleetingly considering a loved one's death? Don't worry, you're not a weirdo, a psycho or a wrong-un. I talk about what your subconscious is telling you when you have these random thoughts. A lot of it ties into society's fixation with progress and productivity. Especially if you're socialised as female. The 'loved-one's death fantasy' is likely your brain trying to resolve tricky relationships. Obs, this is not something you'll ever act on! I also share the time I stayed anonymously in a hotel for a month, and still felt incredibly guilty. What a waste! Recorded on my old old iphone (and not my old ipod), so the sound quality is a bit better today. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Are you a cat or dog person??? It's not like I'm fighting off lovers, but I'd mark it as a red flag if someone asked me that. The question is basic and boring as! It's on the same level as asking someone if they consider pineapple as a legitimate pizza topping. Seriously, who cares. You'll also notice that people who identify as dog lovers, often demand on telling you why cats are so sh*t. Chill out, mate. I also think people who use a pet as a personality extension need to build a bit of self-esteem. It's an animal, not an accessory. Sorry for the poor sound quality, I'll sort out a proper recording environment eventually. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You might have noticed over the past 5 years, that a few big left-leaning figures have made their way to the right. What's up with that? Using Naomi Wolf as the main example, I talk about their penchant for fame, the need to be loved and admired, and the pattern of narcissistic tendencies - even in those fighting for good causes. Basically, it's not about the ideology, but aligning themselves with a cause. Any cause! p.s I think I sound like a cross between an older woman on Coronation Street, and a character from Wallis & Gromit on this voice recording. Don't let it put you off!Also, the name I kept forgetting is Steve Bannon (not Hannon or Gammon). I was also searching for the word 'conflate' - but it only came to me after I'd stopped recording. Oh and sorry about the plane flying overhead. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thinking about the massive affect of having trees in a city. Includes a great tree fact. Why I'm choosing to live with the discomfort of being a woman with body hair. It's been over a year now, here's how I've found it so far. FYI the discomfort of being hairy is conditioned, and not due to any logical or practical reasons. The idea of what is 'feminine' is a construction, but we all prescribe to so many aspects of it. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today's voice note talks about why people love getting into a bed with clean sheets, and why women say they love 'the feeling' of being in a clean bed with shaved legs. I think it's something to do with good girl syndrome. I reveal the ultimate freedom of not having a duvet. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This morning I try using rain sounds in the background of this voice note. It kind of works. I talk about why people are so fixated on height in dating (and it's all nonsense), shorter men who defy our limited ideas on success and masculinity. Why MAFSUK is great for learning about attachment styles and why we're so triggered by relationships. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

On this non-award-winning show I send you a morning voice note as I walk around my neighbourhood looking for coffee. I've been watching the latest series of MAFSUK and want to discuss some of the contestants, the cliches they all use and why they're so obsessed with looks, 'what they asked for' and whether their new partner thinks they're fit. There's a few dogs barking at me and I have to abruptly end to use the loo...sans-coffee! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.