Up Yours, Downstairs! A "Downton Abbey" Podcast

Special preview! Fake news, oppressive patriarchy, and an overall impending sense of doom: Join “Aunt” Kelly Anneken and Molly “Ofmitchell” Sanchez as we discuss this and more in Red All Over, a podcast based on The Handmaid’s Tale and weirdly not on current events.

Kelly and Tom belatedly return with the promised Mailbag Fun Dust-Up! Thanks to all the cousins who sent in telegrams, this (literally) wouldn’t be possible without you!

Kelly & Tom are on their own for their recap of The Crown S1E10, having been stood up by not one but two separate gingers. They discuss their forthcoming Mailbag Fun Dustup, the newest Patreon goal, the Cave of Wonders tiger with the pierced ear in Aladdin, the cure for Ryan Murphy,  TLM’s need to constantly butt in, their preference for Martin Charteris over Michael Adeane, diabolical sex beasts, and whether or not Tom looks like Porchey. Kelly says old people shouldn’t vote, Tom is the dictator of Schneiderstan, and everyone would love to have Verne Troyer on the podcast.

Kelly & Tom recap S1E9 of The Crown, which is Kelly’s favorite episode! They encourage people to give up on their dreams, feel bad for Toby Jones, talk about rickety horse ankles and horse therapy, identify the partying-est king ever, create about three different spinoff series, get annoyed by gay Lefou, and have fish and chips because it’s Lent. Kelly is glad Phillip Seymour Hoffman is dead, Tom doesn’t know anything about Godot, and everyone’s research is woefully incompetent.

Kelly & Tom are joined by Kelly’s internet love, illustrator & cartoonist Levi Hastings, for their recap of The Crown S1E8. The hosts are really coming around on the show, and they appreciate the character development of the Queen Mum, wish that everyone could impulse buy a castle when they are sad, take the controversial position that patriarchy is no fun, love the comedy stylings of Princess Margaret, get excited about Liz’s gay fashion designer, and suffer from Nazi fatigue. Kelly finally gets around to doing a Fashion Backwards, Tom thinks Justin Trudeau is too good for him, and Levi reminds us that one cannot do self care without a self to care for.

Kelly & Tom welcome back guest Allison Mick for their recap of The Crown S1E7. They patronize 1-800-AMERICA, clash in the eternal pugs v. Corgis matchup, say lots of things like they’re from Boston, wish Winston Churchill was dead (on the show), rate Pringles mustaches, try to make raven-poking seem family friendly, compare Heath Ledger to Pootie Tang, and pitch a Liz/Tweedy Hogg spinoff. Kelly still doesn’t have her shit together, Tom says the Chicago Tribune drools, and Allison thinks forest bathing solves everything.

Kelly & Tom are back on their own with this recap of The Crown S1E6. They like the episode, but cannot help asking “Why is show?” Scooby-Doo ghostwrites part of UYDS, Princess Margaret has 99 problems, a piece of fluff outweighs Joseph Stalin, the horrifying origins of the Rhodes scholarship is revealed, Wallis Simpson continues to have few lines, white supremacists are alienated, and Prince Philip doesn’t realize he’s beaten the game. Kelly doesn’t get much out of The Anarchist’s Cookbook, Tom explains what stress is, and everyone agrees Season 5 of The Wire isn’t worth watching.

Kelly & Tom are joined by The History Chicks co-host Beckett Graham for their recap of The Crown S1E5. They wax frustrated about their feelings on the DO Dubs, replace King Lane Pryce’s face with Colin Firth’s, note Liz’s lifelong taste in cardigans, discuss the relative tackiness of crowns fictional and factual, participate in some pantomimery, bristle at Mountbatten’s period appropriate homophobia,and wonder if Peter Morgan is playing a deeper game. Kelly has difficulty pronouncing everything, Tom devises a nickname for fans of The Royal We, and Beckett is absolutely here for all things royal.   NOTE: I did a very poor job of recording Beckett’s audio. I did my best to fix it in post-production, but I apologize, to Beckett in particular, for the low-quality audio, and I would like to make it clear that this was 100% my fault, and nobody else’s. -Tom

For their recap of The Crown, S1E4, Tom and Kelly welcome Failure to Launch co-host and noted critic of The Crown Molly Sanchez! Together, they cough-shame London, pitch an adaptation of Devil in the White City, discuss Sky Law, wonder about the Buffalo Bill of sheep, agree that humanity sucks apart from inventing Hot Cheetos with Lime and strawberry sour belts, spot a cameo from Jimmy Carter, and call the wind Donora. Kelly has a rare butt deficiency, Tom reminds us that women can be writers, and Molly’s tweets don’t get the respect they deserve.

A very hungry Kelly & Tom welcome back guest Natasha Muse for their recap of The Crown S1E3, and they spend a lot of time complaining about how their pizza didn’t get delivered. They also come up with a hit pop single, describe the Kato Kaelin of England, go to the BroB/Gyn, CGI a mustache, break the fourth wall a bunch of times, try to get to the bottom of Prince Albert in a can, discuss the transitive axiom in RE Winston Churchill, and enjoy some secondhand Malkovich. Kelly stops trying to turn the podcast into therapy, Tom explains how to get rid of awkward silences, and Natasha buys a person.

In their recap of The Crown S1E2, Kelly & Tom cover all three dimensions. They discuss the water of sexual harassment, Britain’s difficulty with filming its colonial history, interchangeable feet, gypsy curses, and a genuinely heartbreaking moment. Kelly nearly does a spit take, Tom writes a new Cole Porter song, and everyone agrees that Victoria is a dumb name.

Kelly & Tom welcome Red Scott of Boars, Gore & Swords for their first recap of the Netflix Original The Crown. They are relieved to report it is an actual show (unlike late period Selfridge) and delighted as they witness the toff version of a company offsite, explain what Gogglebox is, rate the many portrayals of Churchill, and take advantage of numerous opportunities to impersonate Kif from Futurama. All this, plus the return of Fashion Backwards and Tom Repeats History as Kelly extols the virtues of “Fum Fum Fum,” Tom points out that vaping wasn’t an option in the 1950s, and Red finally gets to talk about camera equipment.

Kelly & Tom dip into their bottomless well of floozy jokes for their recap of the final episode of Mr. Selfridge. They speculate on the George Towler/baby intelligence continuum, wish Lady Mae would join a sort of Parisian First Wives’ Club, chat about Trading Spaces, continue whining about the absence of Beatrice, declare Mr. Selfridge the Jimmy Fallon of retail magnates, don’t recognize Meryl, and come up with a Selfridge Babies spin-off. Kelly loves casseroles, Tom wishes the IRA still did fun stuff, and everyone laments the dear, departed tea emporium.

Kelly and Tom soldier bravely on through their recap of Mr. Selfridge S4E9. They are pretty sure time is still a flat circle, George Towler is still a super genius, Alan Greenspan gets name-checked, Mr. Grove is cross from beyond the grave, and Eyebrows has a brand-new bag. Kelly can’t remember the name of the book Mr. Selfridge is based on, Tom discovers Circopedia.com, and everyone continues to make fun of Jeremy Piven’s mercury poisoning.

In this recap of Mr. Selfridge S4E8, Kelly and Tom really lay into Eyeliner for pretending to solve racism. They finally bid Mr. Grove a not particularly fond farewell, wonder why New New Gordon’s kids are wearing dresses, applaud Mr. Crabb’s business reasons, and continue to marvel at Jimmy Dillon’s swank apartment from the 1980s. Kelly correctly identifies morphine, Tom explains how to win a Newbery medal, and everyone gathers for drinks at the Nepotists’ Lounge.

Kelly & Tom shout a list of the most British things they know in this recap of Mr. Selfridge S4E7. They also shout NO at Lady Mae and Kitty a bunch of times, encourage Mr. Selfridge to finally hire a lawyer, talk smack about Spinner from Degrassi, and briefly experience actual feelings. Kelly invents Floozies Anonymous, Tom makes a reservation for Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and everyone wonders how this series can keep getting worse.

Kelly & Tom shout a collective “WTF” in this recap of Mr. Selfridge S4E6. They marvel at the Picture of Dorian’s Uncle, wonder how much actual time has passed this season, question Fraser’s fitness as butler, gloat as Mr. Selfridge finally has to pay his bill, and nominate a much better head of security than George Towler. Kelly lets loose her opinions on Gilmore Girls, Tom explains how Europe works, and the drop waist continues its tyranny.

Kelly & Tom record their recap of Mr. Selfridge S4E5 live from a Burger King! Not really, but what an idea! They continue to not do their research as Bumby Wallace makes his stunning, fictional debut, Harry continues to not pay his bills, the shambling corpse of Grardle lurches on, Meryl continues to not be able to act in either a literal or meta sense, there is a severe lack of Tillie AND Beatrice, and George Towler: Medical Experiment continues unabated. Kelly name-checks Tuck Everlasting, Tom compliments a damn fine egg, and everyone agrees there must always be a Winslow in Chicago.

Kelly & Tom choose to be…a Ritz in this recap of Mr. Selfridge S4E4. They confirm that they are not watching Game of Thrones, have numerous criticisms of AA Milne and Christopher Robin, criticize Mustache’s life choices, wish for a Mardle/Kitty spin-off, and talk even more smack about floozies. Kelly reveals her favorite phone number, Tom reveals that Bob is his uncle, and everyone looks forward to the publication of “Crabbe makes a call.”

Kelly and Tom establish a trust with Mr. Selfridge S4E3, because they like to gamble like rich people. They also breathe a sigh of relief about Kitty’s childbearing prospects, hate Meryl AND Mr. Grove, confuse Violette for Rosalie, continue to question why Mr. Selfridge is drinking so much, marvel at Elizabeth Arden’s messy suite, wonder if Chekhov’s Philandering Pilot will ever show up, and everyone tries to name all the gingers on the show.

Kelly and Tom realize that S4E2 of Mr. Selfridge is as far as they watched, so it’s all new to them from here on out. They feel that the credits music is getting more and more inappropriate each week, clock two named black characters in the episode (good job, Eyeliner; your move, Baron Julian), lament the loss of the tea emporium alongside Mr. Crabbe, look disapprovingly at the Artful Porter’s development, and say goodbye to a mostly beloved character as Harry goes on and on and on…

Kelly and Tom return at last with their very belated coverage of Mr. Selfridge S4E1! They struggle to remember why they hated this season so very much, herald the return of Lady Mae, welcome two brand new floozies and a very ugly mug, lament the continued absence of Miss Towler and Monsieur LeClair, plan to see Harry “next fall,”and everyone demands to know when we can expect Our Dark Mistress Beatrice to finally darken the doors of Selfridge’s once more in accordance with the prophecy.

And so Downton Abbey ends, not with a bang, but with a Denker. Kelly & Tom recap S6E9 in slightly more emotional fashion than usual, but they still manage to pitch the spinoff “McG: Hospital Administrator,” wonder why Matthew Goode didn’t just take a job as Downton’s butler, hope that the eventual Downton movie is called “In the Boot Room,” promise to invite a unicorn on the podcast, visit OldPeopleBone.com, come up with a better name for Rose’s baby, and talk smack about period maternity clothes. Kelly guesses we’re all crash widows now, Tom provides insight into the history of advice columns, and everyone agrees that real life is the greatest Rifftrax of them all.

In Part One of their two-part recap of the Downton Abbey finale, Kelly and Tom fight off tears as they come to the end of a long, strange journey. They give Highclere Castle what-for, reveal Andy’s secret fashion design career, discuss the origins of Molesley’s baldness, long for the return of the Donk, praise Cruikshank’s villainy, suggest a Dr. Seuss book about Thomas Barrow, unveil the true meaning of “puttin’ on the Ritz,” and discover who the real crash widow of the episode is. Kelly explores the history of nail polish, Tom is a Benicio del Whoro, and everyone finds Mary’s smile unsettling.

Kelly and Tom celebrate the penultimate episode of Downton Abbey with an extra-long discussion of S6E8. They pine for an Edith: Pig in the City spinoff, shoutout Branson’s monkey nephew, lament the lost potential of Charles Blake, reveal a surprise Gibson Girl winner, decide that Mary’s bitchery is the real turn-up, wonder about Hitler hipsters, debate the best way to Cruikshank, promise to watch Room 237 again, deride Thomas’ gay bathtub of despair, and remember the foxes of yesteryear. Kelly tries to explain the origins of commercial air travel, Tom requires zero notes or research to cover the English Civil War, and everyone wants you to pay dues to the International Brotherhood of Spouses of Kelly.

Kelly & Tom recap Downton Abbey S6E7 with as much panache and flair as the Dowager Countess delivering an epic takedown. They try to comfort Spratt with promises of a denk-free existence, rename Edith’s magazine, miss Charles Blake, lose their minds over a puppy, recall the episode of Step By Step where JT has dyslexia, and speculate about crying dresses. Kelly explains how smoking changed (after the war), Tom revisits old-timey car races, and everyone is thrilled to hear Matthew Goode say “pop.”

Kelly & Tom are very happy to report that they loved Downton Abbey S6E6, as is made clear in their recap. They reminisce about a time when helicopter parenting hadn’t been invented, wonder how Mary would find a new corpse girl, poke a lot of holes in the hospital storyline, shake their heads at Andy, defend McG’s cat pillows, bring up the Olive Garden, and promise more sparkling impressions in the future. Kelly throws some shade at Baron Fellowes’ take on the plight of great houses, Tom finds a new muse in Lady Emma Hamilton, and everyone laments not having more notable ancestors.

Kelly & Tom recap Downton Abbey S6E5 (but don’t forget to taste the Instant Take) and wonder why a servant is like a comma, decide that Tom should be Spratt for Halloween, make a Cockerton judgement, marvel at Andy’s acceptance of homosexuality, lament the lack of Whore Institute t-shirts, and plan to cut a baby in half. Kelly delves into the weird world of Pyrex cookware, Tom talks Tangiers, and everyone is excited about a possible new project for Jim Parsons.

In their recap of Downton Abbey S6E4, Kelly & Tom may have had a bit too much coffee as they declare these to be the show’s “Holly J years.” They also contemplate the implementation of ovesters, wonder why Downton is suddenly filled with sexual innuendo, speculate about port-related injuries, explain Satan’s only weakness, remind everyone to never shake a Baxter, and reiterate that surprises ruin relationships. Kelly does a terrible job of pronouncing “Diaghilev,” Tom offers background on the history of British women’s colleges, and everyone gets shockingly verklempt about Lady Sybil. AGAIN.

In their recap of Downton Abbey S6E3, Kelly & Tom discuss the cost of a sucking pig, forget that The Secret Garden is a musical, revel in another Isobel/Dowager fight, wonder why the twins from The Shining are at the Hugheson wedding, meet Tubby McFlopsweat & Rarebit, and wonder if Baron Julian is just flushing out a Google Doc of unused Dowager Quipz.  Kelly covers the original hipsters–stamp collectors, Tom outlines the war of the Austrian succession, and everyone wonders what the opposite of narrative economy is.

Kelly & Tom are as lost as a Gutenberg Bible in their recap of Downton Abbey S6E2. They talk a lot about pigs and other fat stock, wish the Dowager wore more codpieces, revisit their favorite Ripon jokes, pour one out for poor Mr. Pamuk, imagine a meeting between Baron Fellowes and George RR Martin, and explain where horseradish comes from. Kelly claims that Edith’s repeated baby-stealing was completely legal, Tom covers the shockingly recent medical advancements the Dowager doesn’t want at the village hospital, and everyone agrees that being a child actor on Downton is the second-best gig for a British baby.

Kelly & Tom practically fall off a horse in excitement as they embark on their recaps of Downton Abbey‘s final series. In S6E1, they discover a new position downstairs, meet the Darnleys, wonder if LG is jealous that he didn’t get to go to Liverpool with Gilly, roll their eyes at Denker’s denkishness, celebrate the apparent end of Murder Prison, and they both decide to just give up and get on board the Carson/Hughes ship. Kelly talks smack about the Bloomsbury Set, Tom reveals a very weird Nazi cure for syphilis, and everyone agrees that “mending a cuff” is slang for something awful.

Kelly & Tom give their instant opinions on Downton Abbey S6E9 (the final Christmas Special). If you want to give us a shout out, or otherwise give us a piece of your mind, email us, check us out on Facebook, or Tweet us. If you want do directly support the podcasts we do, please check out our page on Subbable, and earn some cool rewards! As always, we appreciate any love you can give us on iTunes, and your patronage of our amazon affiliate link, amazon.baldmove.com. Remember, when you use our affiliate link, you get the same great prices, the same great shipping, you just send a little bit of love our way, courtesy of Amazon.

12 Days of Downton reaches its triumphant conclusion! Tom and Kelly are joined by Dowager Cousin Jackie, as they discuss Nativity!, featuring a (very brief) appearance by Phyllis Logan!

12 Days of Downton continues with Hogfather, starring Michelle Dockery!

12 Days of Downton continues with The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, featuring Lesley Nicol!

12 Days of Downton continues with A Christmas Star, featuring Rob James Collier!

12 Days of Downton continues with The Golden Compass, featuring Jim Carter!

12 Days of Downton continues with Mr. Stink, starring Hugh Bonneville!

12 Days of Downton reaches the halfway point with From Time to Time, written and directed by Julian Fellowes, and featuring Maggie Smith, Hugh Bonneville, Allen Leech, Daisy Lewis, Harriet Walter, and David Robb!

12 Days of Downton continues with Alice Through the Looking Glass, featuring Penelope Wilton!

12 Days of Downton continues with Paddington, starring Hugh Bonneville!

12 Days of Downton continues, with The Witches, featuring an all-too-brief cameo from Jim Carter!

12 Days of Downton continues, with Cinderella, starring Lily James and also featuring Sophie McShera!

Kelly and Tom’s 12 Days of Downton kicks off with our coverage of the Fairy Tale Theater episode of Snow White, starring McG!

Kelly & Tom are joined by returning guest and loyal Cousin Lauren Parker to join in eviscerating the cinematic snooze button that is Suffragette. Apart from the fact that there are zero characters of color and the protagonist is a “composite character,” there’s plenty to chuckle about, including the story of how Brendan Gleeson’s beard got cast, Cher’s long-lost bagel boy, the unexpected awesomeness of Helena Bonham Character and her husband, a new name for Carey Mulligan, the many failures of mannequin technology, and whether British people are allowed to be named Sonny. Kelly is getting extremely proficient at a variety of UK dialects, Tom reminds us that Dan Savage says it’s fine to cheat to save your marriage, and Lauren tells everyone not to watch “The French Lieutenant’s Woman.”

Kelly & Tom give their instant opinions on Downton Abbey S6E8. If you want to give us a shout out, or otherwise give us a piece of your mind, email us, check us out on Facebook, or Tweet us. As always, we appreciate any love you can give us on iTunes, and your patronage of our amazon affiliate link, amazon.baldmove.com. Remember, when you use our affiliate link, you get the same great prices, the same great shipping, you just send a little bit of love our way, courtesy of Amazon.

Kelly & Tom do their best to transform the mumblecore snoozefest that is 2008’s Brideshead Revisited into a Warner Brothers cartoon. They declare that Ben Whishaw is #NotMySebastian, name-check Bertolt Brecht, make fun of Haley Atwell’s atrocious wardrobe, advocate for more pop culture dong, and declare unusual characters to be their favorites.  Kelly has gay puns for days, Tom insists that nobody hates Champagne, and everyone agrees that Italy is England’s Burning Man.

Kelly & Tom give their instant opinions on Downton Abbey S6E7. If you want to give us a shout out, or otherwise give us a piece of your mind, email us, check us out on Facebook, or Tweet us. As always, we appreciate any love you can give us on iTunes, and your patronage of our amazon affiliate link, amazon.baldmove.com. Remember, when you use our affiliate link, you get the same great prices, the same great shipping, you just send a little bit of love our way, courtesy of Amazon.

Kelly & Tom give their instant opinions on Downton Abbey S6E6. If you want to give us a shout out, or otherwise give us a piece of your mind, email us, check us out on Facebook, or Tweet us. As always, we appreciate any love you can give us on iTunes, and your patronage of our amazon affiliate link, amazon.baldmove.com. Remember, when you use our affiliate link, you get the same great prices, the same great shipping, you just send a little bit of love our way, courtesy of Amazon.