01: John Gottman - How to Be a Master of Relationship

Welcome!  My guest today is Dr. John Gottman, one of the world's leading experts on how to have an amazing relationship.  He and his wife Julie currently operate The Gottman Institute in Seattle, offering numerous resources and training.  Join us for a deep dive into their work! Dr. Gottman’s findings are largely based on the conclusions he has made over many years of research and observations of couples. He and his team have how to be a master (and avoid being a disaster) at relationship. Dr. Gottman discusses the following topics: “The Sound Relationship House” - what is the foundation for a relationship that lasts? Learn the importance of having high expectations in relationship, and also uncover ways in which what you'd *think* would be good for your relationship is actually counterproductive. Dr. Gottman identifies Styles of Confronting Conflict:  Volatile, Validating, and Conflict-Avoiding. All of these conflict styles can lead to successful relationships. Learn what to do if you and your partner are mismatched in your conflict style. Dr. Gottman discusses “bids” we make with our partner as an attempt to connect. Are you a "yes" to your partner's bids? Are they a yes to yours? “Bids” that fail are often the beginnings of conflict. How do things change if you start paying attention and responding to your partner's bids in a positive way? Mindfulness is the key to noticing these bids and avoiding conflict. “Small Things Often” - a reminder to turn toward these bids in the small moments of life. Dr. Gottman's concept of startup is a way of thinking about what you bring to your interactions with your partner. Do you start in a place that's already positive, and thinking highly of your partner? Or do you start in a place where you are suspecting the worst of your partner? Build up your emotional bank account with small compliments (deposits). According to John, there are three phases of any relationship:  Falling in Love (initial), Building Trust (middle), and Cherishing Your Partner (long-term intimacy). What phase are you in? The key to success is using strategies that are appropriate for where you are in your relationship. The key to more sex is having the freedom to say "no" without being punished for it. If refusing sex can actually have a positive payoff, then it will actually lead to a couple having a more satisfying (and frequent) sex life. Do you ever wonder how to make a good relationship GREAT? Focus on cherishing your partner. What if YOU are the only partner who wants to make changes?  Can you make a difference?  Absolutely. Learn how shifts in your approach can have a profound affect on your relationship. The key to success in a relationship isn't that nothing bad ever happens. It's how well you as a couple learn how to repair after those things occur. John discusses how you can learn to repair, and the positive effects that has on long-term relationships. Do you know how to decide if you’re in a bad relationship?  When you're with your partner, are you at your best? Or are you veering off towards your worst? Gottman offers this simple guideline for how to know whether to stay or go. Also what to think about BEFORE you decide that you're on the wrong path. Join us for these topics and more.  Dr. Gottman has practical information that can improve your relationship TODAY!  Links and Resources: What Makes Love Last: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by Dr. John Gottman The Gottman Institute, Seattle www.gottman.com   www.neilsattin.com/gottman    (visit to download a .pdf of this episode guide along with John Gottman's "Dreams in Conflict" exercise to help couples who seem to have irreconcilable differences. You can also text “PASSION” to 33444 for instructions on how to download the guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this show's airing, you will also qualify for a chance to win a free signed copy of Dr. Gottman’s book "What Makes Love Last".) The Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out!