014 – The Freaks Who Look Fine with Rachel Alexandria

Why high performers can be the loneliest people in the room.Some freaks are easy to spot.Dyed hair. Tattoos. Bold opinions. Loud joy.And then there are the freaks who look fine.In this episode of Find Your Freaks, Tonya Kubo sits down with former psychotherapist turned soul medic Rachel Alexandria to talk about the hidden loneliness of high performers — the people who appear successful, capable, and unshakeable… while quietly unraveling inside.Rachel works with executives, founders, and leaders who carry immense responsibility while suppressing their own humanity. Together, Tonya and Rachel explore why competence can become a mask, how perfectionism and people-pleasing are often survival strategies, and why asking for help feels so dangerous when everyone assumes you’re “the strong one.”If you’ve ever felt invisible because you seem too capable to worry about — or if you love someone who looks like they have it all together — this conversation will help you see what’s really going on beneath the polish.Episode Highlights[04:15] Why high performers are often the most isolated people in the room[08:42] The difference between having it together and holding it together[13:30] How family dynamics and gaslighting disconnect us from our inner knowing[18:55] Burnout, perfectionism, and people-pleasing as survival skills[25:10] How perimenopause, ADHD, and long COVID complicate high achievement[31:40] Why leaders can’t afford to “fall apart” — and what they do instead[38:22] The hidden cost of excellence: “Other things suffered.”[45:05] Why asking for help feels so inconvenient — and so necessary[52:10] How to be a safe person for someone who looks like they don’t need help[58:30] What to do if you’re the one silently strugglingWhy High Achievement Can Be So LonelyRachel explains that many high performers learned early that competence equals safety.Being capable, polished, and self-sufficient became a way to survive — not a sign that they don’t need support.When everyone assumes you’re fine, your pain goes unseen.And when vulnerability feels risky, loneliness becomes the price of success.The Cost of Excellence“There is no gaining of a high level of skill or success without loss.”In this episode, Tonya and Rachel unpack the uncomfortable truth that achievement always comes with tradeoffs — time, relationships, rest, or health. Burnout often happens when we try to pretend those costs don’t exist.Slowing down, grieving what’s been lost, and choosing what matters most isn’t weakness.It’s wisdom.Asking for Help Without Knowing What It Looks LikeOne of the most powerful moments in the conversation centers on this truth:You don’t need to know how someone will help — only that you need help.Rachel shares why trying to solve everything alone eventually stops working, and how naming “I don’t know what I need, but I can’t do this alone anymore” can open the door to real healing.How to Support the People Who “Look Fine”If you’re worried about someone who always seems okay, Rachel offers simple, human ways to show up:Initiate connection without analysisSend a “you’ve been on my mind” textOffer practical care (meals, errands, presence)Make it easy for them to say no — so yes feels safer laterCompassion doesn’t require fixing.It requires noticing.Meet Our GuestRachel Alexandria is a former psychotherapist turned soul medic who helps high performers clean up their “secret messes” — anxiety, perfectionism, burnout, and loneliness hidden beneath competence. She is the host of the podcast Lonely at the Top and the author of three books exploring conversation, criticism, and stress relief.Meet Your HostTonya Kubo is a community strategist and marketing consultant known for building digital spaces that feel like chosen family. As host of Find Your Freaks, she brings together unconventional thinkers who know “normal” was never the point — and who believe that belonging is built through honesty and human connection.Key Quotes“Some of the loneliest people are the ones everyone thinks are fine.” — Rachel Alexandria“There is no gaining success without loss. Other things always suffer.” — Rachel Alexandria“What got you here can’t get you to the next place.” — Rachel Alexandria“You don’t have to know what help looks like to ask for it.” — Rachel AlexandriaResources & MentionsLonely at the Top — Rachel’s podcastRachelAlexandria.comJennifer Arezio — spiritual teacher and mentor mentioned in the episodeSupport the ShowIf Find Your Freaks matters to you, consider buying us a coffee to keep the show ad-free. Every dollar supports production so more weirdos can find their people.Find Your Freaks merchandise is available through Abilities and Attitudes.Let’s Stay FreakyFacebook GroupLinkedInInstagramPodcast HubWhat’s NextSome freaks stand out. Others blend in so well they disappear. Next episode, Tonya explores what it means to be seen when your freakiness is hidden — and why looking fine doesn’t mean you don’t deserve care, community, and connection.