063: How family storytelling can help you to develop closer relationships and overcome struggles

"How much can there really be to learn about storytelling?" I thought when I started on this mini-series.   It turns out that there's actually quite a lot to learn, and that family storytelling can be a particularly useful tool for parents. We're all trying to figure out how to transmit our values to our children, and storytelling can be quite an effective way of doing this. Further, storytelling can be a really valuable way to support children in overcoming traumatic experiences - and even to repair relationships after difficult moments like yelling. In this episode we dig into the research on the benefits of family storytelling and look at how to do it effectively.   Questions this episode will answer What exactly is family storytelling and how is it different from just reading books to my kids? We often feel safest when we read books to our kids.  It seems like a ‘script’ that saves us from having to fully understand the situation and come up with our own words to describe it. Family storytelling involves sharing narratives about your own family experiences, values, and history. It creates a powerful connection between generations as you transmit important values. It can help children make sense of their place in your family relationships. The episode explores fascinating research about how these personal narratives shape children's identity in ways that storybooks can't match!   How can family storytelling help during difficult times or after traumatic experiences? When difficult emotions arise in our family, it can be tempting to pretend the situation didn’t happen. We hope our kids will just forget about difficult experiences. Instead, children may worry more when they 'can't talk about what happened. Family storytelling is a valuable tool for helping children overcome traumatic experiences. It helps them to make sense of what happened, and repair their family relationships. This can help children build resilience.   Do all families tell stories the same way, or are there cultural differences? There are fascinating cultural differences in how families engage in storytelling! American families often position children as primary narrators (like asking about their day at dinner). Israeli families tend to create more equal narrative participation between adults and children. The episode explores how these cultural storytelling styles impact child development differently. We offer insights into adapting techniques that might work best for your family.   How do family stories change as children grow older? Parents tend to share different types of stories as children mature. Parents of younger children tend to tell stories with stronger themes of affiliation and connection. Stories shared with older children often shift toward themes of achievement and striving for success. The podcast unpacks the developmental reasons for this progression. We offer ideas on ways to balance different types of stories.   How does the way the story is told affect children? The atmosphere during family storytelling matters a lot. Researchers have studied the factors that create a positive storytelling environment. These include: CourtesyRespectAgreement on story details The episode reveals surprising connections between these communication patterns and children's emotional development. We offer practical guidance for creating storytelling moments that strengthen family bonds.   What happens when family stories evolve into "legacies" over generations? Stories can combine over time and generations. Then they become family legacies that shape how family members view themselves and their place in the world. The podcast explores the profound impact these narratives have on children's identity formation and family relationships. We share strategies for creating meaningful family legacies even if you haven't established these yet.   How can I start family storytelling if it wasn't part of my own childhood experience? This might be one of the most valuable parts of the episode for many listeners! The episode provides practical, research-backed strategies to create meaningful family narratives. Even if you didn't grow up with family storytelling traditions. You'll learn specific prompts, timing suggestions, and approaches that feel natural rather than forced.   What you'll learn in this episode How family storytelling creates stronger emotional bonds between parents and children. Stories can incorporate difficult emotions that we want children to learn how to navigate effectively.  They help you build deeper connections that last a lifetime!Why storytelling is a powerful parenting tool for transmitting your family values. It creates meaningful legacies that shape your child's identityThe fascinating differences in stories between families from different cultures, and how these impact child developmentHow 'family formation stories' can boost your child's self-esteem and sense of belongingThe research-backed benefits of using storytelling to help children overcome traumatic experiences.  Stories help to repair family relationships after difficult life events.Practical ways to incorporate regular family storytelling into your daily routines. You can do it even if you don't consider yourself a "natural storyteller"!How family stories evolve over time. Parents can share stories about closeness with younger children. These can shift to achievement-themed narratives as children grow olderHow respectful family communication during storytelling creates positive outcomes for children   If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you: Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…   Click the banner to sign up!     Other episodes mentioned in this show 027: Is a Reggio Emilia-inspired preschool right for my child?041: Siblings: Why do they fight, and what can we do about it?029: Why we shouldn’t ban war play   Jump to highlights 00:37 Introduction of today’s topic 01:44 Walter Fisher is a professor emeritus at the University of Southern California who theorized that narration can be divided into two types – “recounting” or “accounting for.” 02:41 Elizabeth Stone, is an author of the book that’s famous for storytelling called Black Sheep and Kissing Cousins, says the functions of family stories are firstly to persuade family members they are special, secondly to teach about the ways of the world and the family’s methods of coping with troubles and successes, and thirdly helping a person to know his or her own identity 03:35 Six qualities used to define family strength are: a commitment to the family and well-being of each family member, positive communication and an ability to resolve conflict constructively, regular expressions of affection among family members, a tendency to enjoy quality time together, a sense of spiritual wellbeing and an ability to effectively manage stress and unexpected crises 05:11 Mothers tell stories with stronger themes of affiliation than fathers, and affiliation themes are also more common with younger children than with preschoolers 05:47 American family stories often celebratory in nature, without an evident theme of hardship and trial that were present in both recently immigrated and fully assimilated Mexican American family according to Dr. Carma Bylund of the University of Iowa 11:58 Black children in Trackton had an inferior linguistic skillset to those of White children, but rather that their skillset is "different" and does not align well with the skillset that is valued in schools 15:22 Family stories can do is to help children to resolve strong feelings about something traumatic that happened in the family. 17:00 Storytelling can shift stressors from being things that just one family member experiences to a relational-level activity 18:24 Vygotsky believed that there is no such thing as a piece of knowledge that sits off by itself and we can grab hold and learn, and that instead learning is a thing that is constructed between two people 19:49 According to Professor Judy Koenig Kellas of the University of Nebraska that when stories are combined over time and generations, they become family legacies 25:45 Wrapping up the discussion   References Bylund, C.L. (2003). Ethnic diversity and family stories. Journal of Family Communication 3(4), 215-236. DeFrain, J., & Stinnett, N. (2003). Family strengths. In J.J. Ponzetti (Ed.), International encyclopedia of marriage and family (2nd Ed., pp.637-642). New York, NY: Macmillan Reference Group. Fiese, B.H., Hooker, K.A., Kotary, L., Schwagler, J., & Rimmer, M. (1995). Family stories in...