092: Fathers’ unique role in parenting

This episode began out of a query that I see repeated endlessly in online parenting groups: “My child has a really strong preference for me.  They get on great with the other parent (usually the father, in a heterosexual relationship) when I’m not around, but when I’m there it’s all “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!”  This is destroying my partner; how can we get through this stage?”   So that’s where I began the research on this question, and it led me down quite a rabbit hole – I’d never thought too much about whether mothers and fathers fulfill unique roles in a child’s development and while it isn’t necessarily as prescriptive as “the mother provides… and the father provides… ,” in many families these roles do occur and this helps to explain why children prefer one parent over another. (we also touch on how this plays out in families where both parents are of the same gender).   My guest for this episode is Dr. Diana Coyl-Shepheard, Professor at California State University Chico, whose research focuses on children’s social and emotional development and  relationships with their fathers.   Parenting Membership  If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out.   The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!       Click the “Send Voicemail” button on the right >>> to record your message for the 100th episode: it can be a question, a comment, or anything else you like!   Jump to highlights 10:17 Introduction to the episode and guest Dr. Diana Coyl-Shepherd 11:07 Richard Bowlby's model of dual attachment: safe haven versus secure exploration 17:22 The purpose of rough and tumble play 21:38 Why "60 to 70% secure attachment" is more alarming than reassuring 23:06 What attunement and reflective functioning mean 27:10 Why attachment patterns transmit more strongly through mothers than fathers 31:05 What happens when only one parent engages in reflective functioning 33:56 Attachment hierarchies: why children often prefer one parent 44:07 Earned security: how attachment patterns can shift in adulthood 47:19 Maternal gatekeeping and its effect on father involvement 52:14 Why some fathers become "just transportation" by adolescence   References Benbassat, N., & Priel, B. (2015). Why is father’s reflective function important? Psyhoanalytic Psychology 32(1) 1-22. Benoit, D. & Parker, K.C .H. (1994). Stability and Transmission of Attachment across Three Generations. Child Development, 65 (5), 1444-1456. Bretherton, I., Lambert, J.D., & Golby, B. (2005). Involved fathers of preschool children as seen by themselves and their wives: Accounts of attachment, socialization, and companionship. Attachment & Human Development 7(3), 229-251. Coyl-Shepherd, D.D., & Hanlon, C. (2013). Family play and leisure activities: Correlates of parents’ and children’s socio-emotional well-being. International Journal of Play 2(3), 254-272. Coyl-Shepherd, D.D., & Newland, L.A. (2013). Mothers’ and fathers’ couple and family contextual influences, parent involvement, and school-age child attachment. Early Childhood Development and Care 183(3-4), 553-569. Dumont, C., & Paquette, D. (2013). What about the child’s tie to the father? A new insight into fathering, father-child attachment, children’s socio-emotional development and the activation relationship theory. Early Child Development and Care 183(3-4), 430-446. Fletcher, R. (2011). The Dad factor: How father-baby bonding helps a child for life. Mona Vale, New South Wales: Finch. Freeman, H., Coyl-Shepherd, D.D., & Newland, L.A. (2008). Father beliefs as a mediator between contextual barriers and father involvement. Early Child Development and Care 178(7), 803-819. Freeman, H. (2010). Mapping young adults’ use of fathers for attachment support: implications on romantic relationship experiences. Early Child Development and Care 180(1), 227-248. Freeman, H., Newland, L.A., & Coyl, D.D. (2010). New directions in father involvement. Early Child Development and Care 180(1-2), 1-8. Gaumon, S., & Paquette, D. (2013). The father-child activation relationship and internalizing disorders at preschool age. Early Child Development and Care 183(3-4), 447-463. George, M.R.W., Cummings, E.M., & Davies, P.T. (2010). Positive aspects of fathering and mothering, and children’s attachment in kindergarten. Early Child Development and Care 180(1-2), 107-119. Goldberg, A.E., Downing, J.B., & Sauck, C.C. (2008). Perceptions of children’s parental preferences in lesbian two-mother households. Journal of Marriage and Family 70, 419-434. Grossman, K., Grossman, K.E., Kindler, H., & Zimmerman, P. (2008). A wider view of attachment and exploration: The influences of mothers and fathers on the development of psychological security from infancy to young adulthood. In J. Cassidy & P. R. Shaver (Eds.). Handbooks of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (2nd. ed.) (pp. 552-598)). New York, NY: Guildford Press. Newland, L.A., & Coyl, D.D. (2010). Fathers’ role as attachment figures: An interview with Sir Richard Bowlby. Early Child Development and Care 180(1-2), 25-32. Newland, L.A., Chen, H-H., Coyl-Shepherd, D.D., Liang, Y-C., Carr, E.R., Dykstra, E., & Gapp, S.C. (2013). Parent and child perspectives on mothering and fathering: The influence of ecocultural niches. Early Child Development and Care 183(3-4), 534-552. Pluke, R.H. (2014). Men’s experiences of fathering sons: Encountering difference and disappointment. Unpublished doctoral thesis. University of KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa. Retrieved from https://researchspace.ukzn.ac.za/xmlui/bitstream/handle/10413/13939/Pluke_Robert_Hay_2014.pdf?sequence=1&isAllowed=y Umemura, T., Jacobvitz, D., Messina, S., & Hazen, N. (2013). Do toddlers prefer the primary caregiver or the parent with whom they feel more secure? The role of toddler emotion. Infant Behavior and Development 36(1), 102-114.